13: Moving Beyond Fear of Intimacy, Embrace Self-love & Build Soul Nourishing Relationships with Katie Lynn

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Becoming Bulletproof. And this episode is going to be juicy. I just feel it in my bones. Because when you get two powerful, just centered, grounded women together that have learned some good shit along the way through our own crap, I'm telling you, they're unstoppable. And the guest I'm bringing you today, I met, gosh, it was about two years ago now, kind of when I was coming out from a tough spot. And I didn't know her at the time, but I could sense a similar energy. I don't even know if that's accurate, but I could just sense something about her that I was like, huh, My soul knows this woman and I love her. And I don't feel that very often. I'm pretty closed off for the most part until I feel safe with you. And I immediately, immediately felt loved, safe, seen, heard and understood by this powerful woman. I was at some retreat to kind of learn more about business and more investing of my own personal coaching and things like that. And she was there as part of the facilitator for facilitating of that. And we started talking about things and. And I can't remember if it was the Enneagram or horoscopes or both. I think it was the Enneagram, if I'm not mistaken.

Yes.

And she's an enneagram 3, which makes perfect sense when I know, you know, as I've gotten to know her the last two years, like as her story unfolds, not just for me, but for all of you so that she can serve you guys at such a beautiful level. It makes sense. A lot of things make a lot of sense. But I met her at this retreat and you know, she's a licensed psychotherapist. She has, you know, worked with millionaires, millennials, mothers, and serial killers, which I'm a serial killer, like, TV junkie, just a little FYI, as an Enneagram 8, that's no big surprise. But, you know, she's got this beautiful, calming energy. And even though she's got all these titles and letters after her name that qualify her, what qualifies her the most? And this is where her and I definitely, because I don't have all the letters that she does after her name, but where we're very much in common is we have this PhD in experience, real life, like traumas and all sorts of things that really help us see people at a different level than even maybe a trained psychotherapist would. And I'm sure she would agree with that. So we're going to have a juicy conversation today because I've watched her the last two years and. And I've seen some evolution going on with her, and I can't wait to hear what that's about. And she doesn't know this, but she's inspired me in a certain area of my life that she has no idea about. Which. Well, two areas, actually. So I can't wait to get into that with her because nobody knows about this either. So with that, I want to introduce you to the beautiful Katie Lynn, who is also, like, the queen maker. Hi, Katie.

Yes, Hi. Oh, my goodness. That intro was amazing. Thank you so much. And I felt the same way when I first saw you. I was like, is a soul mate. We've done lifetimes together. I can already feel it. And so really, really amazing and beautiful to just have this opportunity to chat with you and dive deep, because I know.

Yeah, we've got a lot in common. I mean, we're both single mamas. I know that you're in a committed relationship now, but you were a single mama for a long time, and I have been. I haven't dated. And we'll get into that for a very long time myself. And I know you went on a hiatus from that to really explore all parts of Kati.

I did.

One of the things I'm fascinated by, and I'm sure you are, too, as a psychotherapist, you know, the people that hit me up most for my help are therapists, quite honestly, and I think coaches as well, because I think you and I both will agree we kind of ended up in this space. Space to help people. Because maybe early on in our journey, we would have died for somebody like you or me in our life. Right?

Absolutely.

And what happens with A lot of even therapists, trained, very high qualified therapists, is they get into it and they realize, oh, I can't bypass my own work, right? And I'm sure that that was kind of like, holy shit, right, with all your training. And I kind of did it backwards. Like I went through all the shit and healed it and then kind of became a coach. But I know with my experience with a lot of therapists that you go into it for such a beautiful reason and then you're in it and you're helping people and realize, like, I've got my own work to do and I don't know how to do this as the professional. Right. And is. Is that how you ended up in psychotherapy?

So I ended up in psychotherapy because I've just. I've always been fascinated with humans and human behavior and studying just what makes them work and tick and all those. And I went straight out of high school into pursuing my degree in psychology, did that in four years, then went straight into my master's program and did that in two years. And then when I graduated from there, it was like my life just exploded. And I remember I was working at a juvenile facility for boys for Los Angeles county, and I was sitting across from one of my co workers and we were talking about something and she goes, katie, you do realize that there are 10 primary life instances that bring people to therapy, and you've had nine out of 10 in the last year.

And in that moment I went, oh, shit, she's right. And I have not dealt with any of them. You know, I have not processed any of them. I have not been in my own therapy, I haven't hired my own coach. And that's actually what my divorce was the catalyst for me finding my own coach, hiring her, then heading on to retreats, and then just evolving from there. Because at that point I realized therapy, although it is so amazing and suitable for so many people, it just wasn't as progressive and forward moving as I loved in my life, right? I love to see movement, I love to see progress, I love to see action. And so when I hired a coach, I get. I went, oh my gosh, where have you been all my life? Right? Just like you said, I wish I would have had somebody like me. Where have you been all my life? And how do I learn how to do this? How do I become the leader that can walk her talk and has walked through the fire and turns around and walks back to pull more people through? Like, that's it for me.

I love that as Somebody who's experienced a lot of life in her close to 50 years. I've been through nine psychotherapists in my life, and every single one of them, every single one of them said, you should be a therapist. You should be a therapist. And I always agreed with them because I was able to manipulate all of them except the last one, and really kind of manipulate all of it. And I never wanted to be a therapist because I could see very clearly that a lot of them, and not with a judgment heart. Maybe at the time it was judgment. Now it's compassion. Sure, that they hadn't done a lot of their own work. It was evident in the way that I can manipulate even what was happening. And I also saw that with therapy, there's way too many rules. And what pissed me off the most about therapy is, like, even if they could relate to me, they couldn't tell me about it. And that pissed me off. I was like, you don't know what it's like to be me. And even if you do, you can't tell me by law because of all these things. And I think to build that trust and credibility within something so intimate as healing work, that's why I never did pursue it. I probably will go back and get all the degrees just because I think it's interesting, and I'm also fascinated with it. But as a therapist, I'm sure that there were times that you felt handcuffed. And also the slow progress. I mean, it's valuable. Like, therapy is the greatest thing ever, but it is slow. And when you're in crisis, you need shit to move fast. So when you hired your own coach and you saw, like, holy moly, this is amazing, what was your next steps?

Yeah, my next steps were I began to just totally immerse myself in the work coaches workshops, supporting as a facilitator just as many opportunities as I could step into to practice and practice and practice and take the head knowledge I got from school and internships and all those things and really bring it down into the body so that I could live it authentically and put myself through my own challenges, Right? Like, looking at, okay, how can I walk through this and then reflect upon it, get out the golden nugget so that I can pass it on to other people and come from a place of really true empathy, right? Not just being able to say, I hear you, I hear that, but, like, I hear you, and I've lived that. And that comes from a different place in the body. And so what happened was I hired my Coaches and then thought, oh, I'm going to be a coach. And I actually didn't want to be a coach. I had so much resistance to this idea of like speaker, author, coach kind of thing. And so when Spirit said, no, you're supposed to be a coach, I bawled. I bawled for a couple days about that. And then I said, okay, I surrender, I'll do it. And then I got hired to work in the women's prison in the highest security unit in the state of California for women. And at that point I thought I never wanted to work with women. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And in that particular setting, I got to really intentionally practice therapy combined with coaching. And what I saw there was amazing, right? I worked with well known serial killers. I worked with people who really, really deeply came in with so much light and then found themselves in addiction. And then as a result of addiction, stepping into circumstances and places that got them into PR and really got to see how transformative coaching is and how effective it is and how much red tape there is in therapy and how much my hands were tied with regard to certain interventions. And.

The way that I work is very intuitive and it can be a little psychic at times. And so my clients started to sort of ask, like, how are you doing this? What do you know? And the CEOs are like, what are you doing? How can you be this effective? You must be doing something that's not acceptable. And my response is, absolutely not. You know, it's amazing what full presence and unconditional love can do for a human being. It's just amazing. And that, as a therapist is not so presented. Right? As a therapist, you're trained to be, quote unquote, the blank slate. And a blank slate is great for non judgment, but it's also not so great for empathizing and loving and building rapport and all of those things. And so for me, I stepped into that. And then I realized after two years, there is too much red tape here. I can't move in the way that needs to be moved. And there is more out here, there is more work that I need to be doing in the world. And so I transitioned out of that in the beginning of 2018 and took my coaching full time. Just said, OK, here we go. And have been doing that ever since. And it has been super challenging, right? Super confronting. As you know, stepping into the role of entrepreneur is a whole personal development workshop in and of itself, right? So stepped into that and have been just learning so much ever since.

So you mentioned the divorce being the catalyst. And for me it was like the sudden death of my dad and then like the life is too shortcoming, whacking me upside with a two by four and it's like, is this what my life is become? And as a single mom and all the things. And I thought at the time like I was going into the triage unit to kind of handle the that stuff. And what it uncovered was, oh, the compound effect of a lot of stuff that happened early on that brought me to this moment. And did that same thing happen to you? Because I've always been fascinated with the human mind, human development, the human spirit, since I was like 9 years old. And then kind of like shelved it for a while and then in my own crisis mode, needing this kind of intervention, it unraveled a lot of this red tape of my own, so to speak, that I needed to kind of like heal. Long ago, when you were kind of dealing with the divorce stuff and that was the catalyst for change, did you. All of a sudden, and maybe you were probably aware because you are a therapist, but was it eye opening to you how much other stuff there was?

Absolutely, it was. And at the same. Yeah, I would say yeah, but there's something about it, right? Because Tracy, I had been on.

I was 26 when I got divorced and it was like it was this moment when I made the decision to get the divorce. I had been on antidepressants for three or four years. I had been wrestling with an eating disorder for I think six or seven years. At that time I had been on anti anxiety medication. There was so much numbing happening, right? And so it had been snowballing for years. And then I remember having this moment when my ex husband and I, we had an argument and I had had too much to drink and I went out and I was going to drive the car that I had at the time into like a wall because I was just so over it. I was so done. And when I was having that thought, a vision of my son popped into my head and I said, absolutely not. I can't do it. I've got to take myself home, right? So I took myself home, put myself to bed, got up in the next morning and stood in the mirror and go. And I went, who is this? Like I didn't even recognize myself and I hadn't even looked at myself in the mirror that deeply in years. And I just thought, if I am requesting a divorce and I'm not going to do this marriage thing anymore, I want to make sure that I am giving my son the best that I have to give. And I want to demonstrate to him, not just tell him, but demonstrate to him that transformation is possible, that being an authentic leader is possible, and that creating whatever life you want is possible. And I went out that day and I got the book Let Go and let God. I got off of my medication. I had already had to get off of my medications because of the pregnancy and all of that stuff. And so it was like when I found out I was pregnant in 2010, God was just like, here's your angel. And, and every crutch that you have has got to go. You have got to remember who you are. And as I started to unpack that stuff in coaching and in my trauma work and all of that, what I realized is I never felt good enough to be me. And it didn't start when I was 8, 9 or 10. It started when I was 3, 4 or 5. And deeply wanted the acceptance and the love of my sisters who are from my dad's first marriage. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get it. And I had one sister that was, that I was much closer to, but I had another one that I absolutely adored and just cherished. And she was, she was about eight to 10 years older than me and I just, she would show up and then not show up and show up and then not show up. And it was like my first heartbreak and my first association with abandonment and rejection came via that relationship. And at a pre verbal age, right. And so all of it just, I traced it back and I go, oh my gosh, I am replaying this rejection and abandonment and I just want to belong and I'm going, belong to who? Katie? And for what and for why? And so yeah, it goes back deep, deep.

I love that you just shared that because mine was like preverbal too. Like I'm looking at my four year old self picture right here who like every time I get scared, I know that it's her and her beliefs that were built on an experience kind of like yours. And as an enneagram 3, you know, like this person like always having to prove yourself, prove yourself, prove yourself, Earn the love, earn the love. And when you wake up one day and you look in the mirror, I had the same moment, like who the hell am I? And I had no idea. And so as you're coming out from the layers that you had polished up, prettied up, you know, achieved up, like, I mean all the things like you had all the letters after your name, and still you're looking in the mirror like, I don't even know who the fuck I am.

Exactly, exactly.

It's fascinating and I think so valuable for people to hear this. Like somebody as powerful as you and me, I mean, I still face this. Every once in a while, I'll get triggered by something. I'm like, oh, there's another layer there I didn't know about. Sure, let's bring it on. And so I love the fact that you just explain that, because I think especially when we build these compensatory strategies along the way to survive, and then we end up beating ourselves up for those things later.

Right.

Like the eating disorders. I mean, that's like stuffing our feelings. And the drinking too much, it's numbing out. Like. Like when we can look at it in the eyes of that little 3, 4, 5 year old, like, we can stop beating ourselves up for it and recognize and have that loving. Like you said, love and compassion can do anything in this world. But first you must. You must do that same thing for yourself.

Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Right. And so that unpacking began and you get into entrepreneurship and you're like, well, as scary as that is, at least now you like, I'm walking my talk. Yeah. And there's a whole different posture. And that's about the time you and I met was when you were stepping into this. And you did have that posture. Like, yeah, I got all these titles after my name. But that's not the good part. The good part is I actually walk the shit that I talk. And that's the same posture I carry too. And I think that's why we connected so well, is we weren't just, you know, saying the things, we actually have lived them. And like you said, when we're sitting across from somebody, whether it's via screen or in coffee, it's like, I feel you. And I understand at such a soul level what you're going through. So love that about you.

Thank you.

So let's get back to the dating part because, you know, you went through a divorce. I did too. I went through a tough breakup, probably around the same time as you. And so I haven't dated since. And that was, gosh, six years ago. And I know you had probably a four or five year run of not dating. And I did the same things as you. Like, my intention is there. God, I am open. I am open to all the love that I deserve. And all of a sudden I was faced with, yeah, but you got to Leave the fucking house.

Oh, yeah, he's not going to break in.

Right?

And I was like, oh, it's one thing to be like, open, but then you actually have to go, like, take action. So I know for you that was kind of like an aha moment for you as well, right?

And there's nothing like doing this work. I've done a lot of this work and I've put it into action. And there's nothing like putting this work into action in such an intimate way with love. Right? And I know that there's a lot of you listening right now that have had your heart broken. The reason I haven't dated in six years has nothing to do with my fear, to be honest with you. I needed to really figure some stuff out myself to not repeat it. Because if you don't repair it, you repeat it, right? So for you, as somebody who's done the work and then it's like, okay, the intention is there. Now I'm going to take one step forward into that scariest thing I'm sure you've ever done. And it was what, about a year and a half ago? Yeah. Really? Like, you're like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna do this. And what was that like for you? Because, I mean, for myself, I'm listening, but I know they're listening too.

It was. Honestly, it was terrifying because I was. It was July. I remember it so clearly. It was July of 2018. And I was doing a visioning, right? I was doing the second half of my year. I was like, I want a vision for my business. I'm going to create this and I'm just going to build a company. And I was so excited. And so I set my space and I had my post its out and I sit down, I do my prayer and I start writing. And this, this just space opens up and I hear, kati, your business is not going to go anywhere until you open yourself up for partnership.

Oh, my God.

You have. It says you have mastered the solo walk at this point. You are too comfortable here, and it is time for you to be open to partnership. Not to say that my business was not going to grow and prosper, but to create what I wanted to create. There were lessons that I needed in partnership, and I went, oh, no, I don't want. That's not what I came here for.

You know, I came here to do.

This business thing tonight, and spirit's trying to tell me something else. And so I said, okay. I had my. Had my somatic release with it. I cried. I Hit a few things. You know, I have my pool noodles that I hit with. And I said, okay, okay. I wrote a post. I said, I'm going to own this out loud. I wrote a post on Facebook. I said, this is what happened. I'm ready. I'm open. And that's when the real deep, deep, deep work began. Because that meant owning my deepest desires. And my deepest desire is to be in partnership, and it is to have that nuclear family, and it is to create with somebody who's by my side. And also, in order for me to really step into that, I needed to be vulnerable and be open with everybody that I know and to trust that I'm safe and I'm protected and I'm held and I'm guided and to be in deep listening to that voice. Because I also knew that, like, I knew it wasn't going to come from online dating. I just knew. I knew that the person was going to come through mutual friends, and that's exactly how it happened. But the only way that it could happen like that is to be vulnerable enough out loud with people in my circle and in my space so that they could know me authentically and connect me to the person that had the same frequency. And so that's the magic that I think a lot of women hold in themselves and are sort of afraid to open up with is like, oh, but being vulnerable. Oh, but being. You know. And I remember. I remember hearing, if you don't show up fully, he won't find you. He won't see you. And I thought, okay, okay. So I got to really step into a next level of vulnerability.

Level of authenticity with people. And I went to work healing, right? Some of the things that I couldn't see, see, even. Even just because I wasn't entertaining a possibility of partnership before that moment. And once I. Once I said, okay, I'm open, open for partnership. I will do whatever you ask of me. It was like all of a sudden, this new layer of blind spots came through. It was like, oh, well, then you need to look at your relationship with your dad, and you need to look at your relationship with your masculine. How are you with time and structure? How are you with following through? How are you with commitment? Right? And you need to look at how you're. How you're facing out in the world with the men that you meet on the street, with the men that help you in the grocery store. It was that moment, Tracy, when, you know, how when you go to the grocery store, they ask if you want help out, and I used to always say, no, I don't need help out. I'm good. I started saying yes. So I said, yeah, I would love help out. And I let men help me. And every time I would be out in public and a man opened the door or offered to help me, I would say, yes, absolutely. And I had to watch my inner voice go, he's not doing this because he thinks you're inadequate. He's doing this because he wants to help you. He's doing this because he wants to make you happy. Right. I had to reprogram that dialogue, but it was deep. It was deep. And I brought myself to a point of understanding that I wasn't looking for romantic partnership. I was being the commitment to experience other people and how my energy alchemizes with theirs, whether or not they were male or female.

Oh, okay. If you are listening right now, ladies, I want you to rewind about three minutes and listen to that again. And then rewind it again for about three minutes again. Because what you said was so beautiful. And it was about, gosh, four months ago, I was in Sedona with some girlfriends. And, you know, they've known me and they know me as, you know, the world sees me, but they know Mimi. And one of my friends said the same thing. You know, o', Malley, like, you've pretty much proven to the world that you know how to handle everything by yourself and you don't have to if you don't want to. And it just like, hit me between the eyes. Kind of like your.

Your intention. And I was there to like, let the Sedona rock speak to me about, you know, all the things. And I was like, that's not what I had in mind. Uh huh. And I was like, so convicted in such a beautiful, compassionate, humbling, loving way that like, yeah, that is my desire. And the uncontrollable sobbing. Like, this is scary. This is scary. And. And as far as, like, the business and the, like, all the things that you just said were so beautiful and what a gift you just dropped on not just me, but anybody who's listening right now. So you put that in. And I've been doing the same thing since that, you know, wallop between my eyeballs. I've been doing that and I believe the same thing. I'm like, it's not going to happen on online. It's just not. I'm not doing it that way. You know, I just don't. For me not judging it, but yeah. So I've been kind of like experiencing the Layers of that. And like, wow, wow. This is very eye opening about myself. And you know, I've softened a lot in the last seven and a half years. But there's another level especially, and not just with a romantic partnership, like you said, even how I'm showing up in my friendships. I would always keep people at arm's length for different reasons than you. You know, because you're like feeling like you had to earn it your whole life. Where I was like, that's not safe. And so if I go there, I just, I don't know, it's not Safe as an enneagram 8. And so really having that same conversation with that part of me that is, you know, not only has a wall, but like a moat around the wall. And it's like you're safe. You have the discernment. You have surrounded yourself with the right people. This is, this is for something so beautiful. Trust it, trust it, trust it.

And that's hard.

Oh yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Especially, especially if you have that trauma. In our lineage, like I know in my lineage, both sides, there's woman to woman wounding even as close as like mother to daughter. And so like to trust again.

Right.

Is so it's one of the toughest things. And it's why I love group work so much. And when women come together to work together is because I know and feel in my cells how much healing needs to happen there. Like, yes, we need healing, man to woman and masculine to feminine, but if we're not secure in our feminine, we can't be secure in our masculine or with men. And so it's just, it's this, it's. You're so right. This next level, healing to trust again.

That is a beautiful point. Because even though I have like the man to woman wounding, the real work came with the woman to woman and the healing there. Because otherwise I was living in this masculine not only to kind of keep men away, but it was also keeping women away. And so it felt very lonely. And I didn't realize how lonely it felt until I release myself from those chains. And that was a like solid release. Was only about a year ago for me. Like I had no idea the depths of the prison I'd put myself in when it came to intimacy. And not just romantically, but even in, I mean, it was a year ago, you and I were at a retreat together that was very like, whoa. And I know you were on like this verge too.

Uh huh. Right.

I could just feel that about you. We didn't even have A conversation about it, but I could just feel it. I was like, holy shit, something big's about to happen. And so it was about a year ago, maybe a little bit more, that you ended up in a romantic partnership.

I did. Uh huh huh.

And how did that happen?

So that. This is one of my favorite stories of all time. And this is. It's so funny because I used to pray to God. I used to say, okay, God, let it be a good story. Like, I really want it to be a good story, because I haven't. I feel like I've got a great story in terms of teaching people what I've been through, what I've walked. But I would love just a good story. So how this happened is In March of 2018, I went out on a date with this gentleman who was awesome. He's amazing. And we have these amazing conversations. And I had a mentor at the time who told me that I needed to add more men in my life, and not just romantic partners, but, like, I needed men for my brother box, I needed men for my lover box, I needed men for my romantic partnership box, and then men for my friendship box. So it was time for me to start getting collecting men and establishing relationships. And so I said, okay, I'm gonna go out, and this is my mission, right? And so this is what I did. And this man, we went out a few times, and then we went out for his birthday. And we're at this place. We're here to dance. We're here to have fun. And he goes, do you know Sanyika? And I go, who?

Right?

It's a unique name. And he says, yes, and you can. I said, no. And he goes, well, your friends on Facebook. And I go, okay, well, I don't know him. And he goes, oh, he usually comes to my birthday party. He couldn't make it this year, but I feel like you would really like him. And I go, okay, this is. You know, I'm going, I'm receiving this. But there's also this third perspective that's happening going, this is odd. We're out here for your birthday and we're talking about this guy. But, okay. So that landed in my consciousness that didn't think much of it. Three months later, I'm with friends, and I'm looking online, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, there he is. That's the guy that this other person told me about. And he's at this event, and we have mutual friends. How interest, huh? Okay, so I think nothing of it. Again, fast forward To I'm at an event, and I'm speaking at an event, and one of my best friends is speaking on the panel with me. And she turns to me at the end of the event. She goes, have you met Sanyika? And I go, okay, this is weird now. And she's like, I went to an event yesterday and he spoke, and she said, girl, if that's not your husband, I don't know who is. She said, are you open to it? And I said, said, I don't know. She goes, okay, okay. She let it go, and then she's in a mastermind that I'm in. And then the next Tuesday, she goes, have you messaged him yet? I go, and I know her. I know her intuition. She is spot on. She knows me, like, so, so deeply. She said, have you messaged him yet? And I said, no, I haven't messaged him yet. And so she goes, okay. I go, I know she's not gonna let this go until I message him. So I sent him a message. I said, hey, you know, you've. God has a way of letting me know when people are important and I need to connect with them. And you're one of those people. You've come up at least three times in my vortex. Would you be open to connecting over coffee or tea or a zoom call? And he said, yeah, let's hop on. Let's meet for coffee. And I was like, he wants to see me in person. You know, like, I gotta go in person. Okay. So I was like, we had a call the next day. We met at Rose Cafe in Venice for coffee. And it was one of those things where it was very much a divine appointment. And it didn't start romantically. And so we were both sitting there looking at each other, like, first of all, I feel very connected to you, but this is very weird. It's very unexpected. He had just deleted all his dating apps and decided that he was going to take himself off the market, essentially clearing space.

Right?

He had just cleared space for all of this. And I had just said, you know, I'm here to meet people. I'm here to see how my energy dances with yours. And, you know, and from that point forward, we just started talking and it was just like, oh, this is what it is supposed to feel like. This is what it is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a co creative process where we're both committed to becoming the best versions of ourselves, loving each other deeply and just enjoying this life together. And so that's how it Came to be.

What a great story. I can't wait to share a good story with you one day. I'm sure there will be one.

Yes.

Yes.

There's going to be an amazing one.

I think so too. I think it's actually in process and it's kind of freaking me out too, so.

I feel you.

Yeah, we'll save that for another day.

But we'll have episode two.

Yeah, for sure. Because I'm probably gonna need some help with this one because like you said, it's. It's once we're actually like putting the intention and then taking action in the intention that like shit gets real, real quick. And so there you are over coffee and you're like, holy shit. Like, here, it's happening, it's happening. And that was what, about a year ago?

Yeah, that was in November of last year of 2018.

And so when you were, you know, before putting that intention and you heard, you know, your work isn't going, you're not gonna have your business. Do what you want until you like explore this. And if you don't show up fully, he won't find you. And you're like being bombarded with these thoughts. So now your souls have met and you're like, whoa, I just felt something and it's moving and moving pretty fast. What happens then in your business, in all the parts? Because I mean, it's exciting at first, but then it's like you're pumping the brakes. Like, this is really scary. This is really scary.

Oh my gosh.

What? I don't want to do this. And so how did you navigate, you know, that first six months of getting to know each other and business and like you say, a co creative process? Because I think, you know, especially the age we live in now and the women that we are today versus what our parents and mothers were, we do crave that co creative process and experience with our life mate. Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So what does he do for a living and how does that combine with you in this beautiful process?

Yeah. So when and when I said yes to the relationship and to stepping in with him in this way, it was like Spirit said, okay, boot camp. And the first two and a half months, Traci, was intense because both of us are extremely strong personalities. We're extremely driven, extremely goal oriented, like very just. I used to tell people, and I still believe this, but we've come a long way is our energies are the type where we could take each other to the top of the world or we could burn each other other down. And we need to be very, very aware of the power that we have in our dynamics, not just in leadership and with the world, but with each other more specifically. And so we actually had a very intense, like, whirlwind, back to back to back to back to back. Just ripping off layers, right? Not even a gentle release. It was just like spirit, just saying, this gots to go, this has to go, got to go by. And we hit our boiling point around March and we broke up. And it was like our. Our attachment styles flared, our trauma flared, the level of intimacy. We had hit our threshold with each other and there was nothing that, there was nothing specifically that set it off. Neither of us did anything, quote, unquote wrong, right? There was no infidelity, there was no violation of agreements. It was just like our traumas had hit that point where it was like, there's something we got to look at here. And in that space, I got to see and really.

Reflect deeply on the fact that if I didn't consider myself and hold myself as a queen, I could not receive a king. And that means that he could have showed up as the most amazing king in the world and I would still send him away. Because if I didn't hold myself to that standard and believe in myself in that way, I couldn't receive it. And so that was like a giant piece of humble piece.

All right, if you're listening, pause right now and take a big deep breath.

Holy shit, that's so powerful. And yes, it's so true. So you're kind of sitting in that.

Yeah, I'm sitting in this. And then I'm also at the same time, right, Watching myself at some level fight for the independent single woman I knew myself to be up until that point. I was like, oh, hell no. I have worked really hard as a single mama. I've got a net worth, I've got a business, I've got this. And I'm not letting it go. And what's underneath that that I saw was that I held this perception in my mind that relationships could not be fruitful. And having a relationship did not add to my prosperity, did not add to my life and my worth and all of that. I held this paradigm that it was dangerous, that it wasn't safe, that it was going to jeopardize my well being.

And what I was creating. And I got to really stare that in the face and go, oh, wow, this has nothing to do with him. This has everything to do with the wounding that you've had up until now and the Beliefs you created as a result of that. Right. And so I got to look at that too. And so there was a lot of. We eventually circled back and came back around, had lots of conversations and met each other in a different space and committed to each other in different ways and became aware of how are, what are our attachment styles, how do we love each other in this? And really united via the perspective that it's him and I versus the world. It's not me versus him or vice versa. It's him and I, our dynamic, and we're here to conquer the world and create in this world. And so when we really rooted in that, everything changed. But there are certain things, and this is the thing that I know you know this, but I thought I could heal everything before I got in a relationship. And what I saw and what I learned is that there's so much healing that I did. And I did it amazingly before I met Sanika. But once I stepped in, there are certain lessons I didn't have the key to because he wasn't present. There were certain things that there were certain buttons that needed pressing that only he could press so that I could see where my stuff was. And that's the beauty of intentional conscious partnership, is that you're not just here to love each other and have amazing sex and grow together and all these things. You're here to activate each other. And that activation comes from them being a mirror and so boldly showing you where your blind spots lie with love, with compassion, and all of that. And it's a powerful experience.

Like, I know that in theory.

Yeah.

And I know we can't flex these muscles until we're actually in the game. It's like, you know, a pro football player practices, practices, practices, and has an unlock. But until you're in the super bowl, you're not gonna know if your shit's working.

Exactly. Absolutely.

Because I'm a mom and a mom to millennials now. You know, my kids are in the 20s, and so my son took a three year hiatus of dating. And last year, around the same time you and your love got together, my son got together with somebody. And he'd done a lot of healing work at 21, like, my God, amazing. I'm raising somebody's amazing husband one day.

Yes, you are. But he also had.

I know, but he also had the courage to say, okay, now I have to put my practice into play. And, like, what you said, like, to watch my own son and all, like, him having to do that. I'm like, you are so Damn brave. And we've had great conversations. I'm like, I guess I have to put my seven years of hard work into play for it to really come together and for all the other stuff to kind of come together. So I love that you shared that. So over the summer, I don't even know what happened or kind of what spurred, like, sparked something in you.

I don't even know. However, there was something that went off inside of you that said, something's got to give here, and I make some changes.

And it was.

For me, it was about September.

Mm.

That, you know, I was kind of, like, at the end of the day, kind of doing my little scroll. You know, it's my version of Netflix on this.

Yeah.

You know, I got stopped dead in my tracks, and I was like, what the fuck is going on? And I saw a picture you had just posted. Mm. You know, obviously, I've been following you. I knew you were in this amazing relationship. I love your work. I. I read everything that you say, which is. I can't say that for most of my feet, but anytime you speak, I listen and I pay attention because I just love and respect you and your work. And I was like, what the hell is going on? And I was like, huh? And this is the part that you don't know. Is that it? I'm not one to look for quick fixes for anything. And I am in integrity in most areas of my life with the way that I communicate with people, with my parenting, with my business, with people I coach. And there's always been this one area. You know, I've got a history of eating disorders as well. And my health, especially my relationship with food, has always been kind of like this silent kind of struggle. I've talked openly about eating disorders. I'm not active in, like, binging and purging and things like that. However, there's this little closet I keep this part of me in, and I knew that I needed to really be in integrity with this and really be consistent in a certain area, not to lose weight, not for an outward appearance. And I know, because I know you, that what you were doing had nothing to do with the outside. That was just a byproduct of it.

Yeah.

And so I started paying attention, and I started doing some research based on what you had posted. I figured out what was going on.

Yeah.

And mid October, and I prayed and I sobbed about it because I was afraid to make that kind of commitment. The mental take.

Yeah.

And on October 15th, I began that same journey and finished up 75 days, right?

Yes, yes.

And. And it was the most life changing thing next to recovery and healing work that I've ever done in my life. It revealed to me.

How I used food. Even I could binge on arugula. And it's the same thing as binging on.

Yeah.

And that's how I justified my behavior. So in August, something was going on with you that you knew that something had to change. And so you kind of took your journey to a new level with some things. What spurred that? What sparked that for you?

You know, it was August 18th and Seneca had come home and he had just had lunch with a friend and he looked at me and he goes, I think I want to give up sugar. And I go, that's a good idea. And then I started to think about myself and my relationship to sugar. And I started to think about the kind of client I want to attract and the kind of person I want my son to know me to be and the kind of partner I want to be. And I have this philosophy that can be kind of intense, but it's amazing is that how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I was, I was encountering a lot of people who just weren't willing to commit in business. They just weren't willing to. I would have calls with queens who were wanting to be the queen, but who said, oh, I don't have the money, or oh, I don't have the this or oh, I don't have the that, and I'm going to, huh? Where am I doing that in my own life? Where am I not willing to commit and show up? And so I found that program, stumbled upon it, said, you know what, I'm going to give it a go. And so I approached Sanika and I said, this is what I want to do. What do you think about this? And he said, I am in. And that is one of my favorite things about him, is he just. If I present something and he is in, he is all in. And we said, okay, we'll start August 18th, because we were going into a medicine journey over the weekend and so said, when we come out of that, we are starting it. And we did. And it was the most transformative thing ever. My body, like you said, had nothing to do with it. It had everything to do with can I keep a commitment, can I follow through, can I do something even when I don't, quote, unquote, feel like it? That's when I really got to remember the power that I came into this world with, with and I got to go. Oh, wow. I have been selling and it was, it was a humbling, humbling experience. Right. Because I'm going. I have been selling out on myself for a really long time and how to forgive myself and how to get back on track with, okay, this is my power and this is who I came here to be, and I can do this. Right. And so it has been an incredible journey and it's been incredible for my relationship. Not just my clients. Right. Like, not just the clients that I attract now and the type of woman that I attract and the type of community that I attract and welcomed into now. But it has just grounded us and anchored us so deeply in our partnership. And every time I thought about cheating on that product protocol, I just had this thought of, like, if I cheat on this protocol, I'm calling in cheating in my life.

Bingo.

And them radical responsibility. I thought, nope, that's.

That's what it was for me too. It's like, okay, I'm out of integrity in some area of my life. And I was keeping commitments to myself for something more than like two weeks, 30 days. It's like. And it was. Had nothing to do with the outside, which is probably why it worked so well because I kind of had a similar transformation body wise. It's crazy, but it was the same thing. And, and you know, I've always used a lot of my experience to teach and to help others. And I vowed that I was not even going to talk publicly about it.

Yeah.

Because it's easier for me to show up for other people than it is myself. But if I tell nobody really, other than like, the kids that live with me and a few very close friends, then I am keeping. This is only about me. And it's a promise to myself.

It's your sacred commitment. Yeah.

And, you know, I chose to do it it right before, you know, Halloween, through the holidays. And I was like. And like I said, I cried about it. It's like, because it was like this humbling moment. Like, this is how little I keep commitments to myself.

Yeah.

And it was very. I was very compassionate with myself and loving and it was really cool for my kids to see that whole process too. And, you know, I had my schedule up in the kitchen and up in the mirror that I looked in every morning as a reminder every. Every time I wanted to say, you know, fuck it, like, I don't, or, you know, anything or say, I don't have time. Trust me, Apple and Netflix tell me how much time I waste every week. So, yeah, exactly. There's no excuse. And it's been life changing in who's coming into my life, all the things. So thank you for sharing that online because had had it been anybody else, I would have not even looked at it, but because it was you. Yeah. And I trusted you and I knew the reasoning why even though you hadn't really talked about it, I knew.

Yeah.

And so thank you. You didn't even know. I didn't even have any idea.

That means so much to me. And there's something, Tracy, that I would love to point out that you mentioned that is just so raw and real. And that is when you said, I prayed about it and I sobbed and I had this emotional experience before I started because that's the true human journey, Right. Soul in a human suit journey is that when we commit to ourselves in this way, it's not rainbows and roses all the time.

Right.

There were days when I would start my workouts crying, right? Crying and just being like, okay, how do I get myself into a state of gratitude before this 90 minutes is up? You know, and really just moving, no matter how I felt and knowing that that's okay, that you don't need to be. We don't need to be Susie Sunshine all the time when we're making these changes because it's this roller coaster ride, experiences, and that's how we get to really live a full life. Right. A full life is not how busy your schedule is. A full life is how deeply have you met yourself in the darkness and in the light. You know, that's so beautiful.

And now like you are embodying the queen and you have your king.

And I know that because of your journey and the commitments to yourself. Like you are walking your talk in all areas now. Right. And honoring those commitments. Commitments. And now you're in the business of helping other women do the same. And that's where the queen maker in you comes. And really now that you are walking that talk fully. Right. And I feel the same way about even that journey too. Like I can help you become that queen and I know that's your passion now. So what's the queen maker event course program? What is all that about? Because I know that our conversation right now has ruffled some stuff for some women that are listening.

Yeah. Yeah.

And they so desire what we are talking about and I know that you can deliver that. So what does that look like for them?

Yeah. Thank you. It is the Queenmaker group coaching program is a 13 week program and it is. I have it set up As a group, because I feel like we go further, faster together. And it's a deep dive into the archetype of the Queen and into the embodiment of the Queen. And it's the deep stuff, right? It's like the trauma stuff, it's the self sabotage stuff. It's the sexuality and sensuality stuff. It's the places and spaces where we have that resistance to meeting ourselves, right? Where we know it. I talk to women and they go, I know I'm powerful, I just am afraid of that power. I don't know what it's going to bring up in my life, right? And so we go on this journey and there's weekly videos. You get three one on one calls with me. Because the container is small, I keep it at 10 women max per group. It's an intimate space because it means it's so important to me that these women feel what it's like to be seen, held and loved by other women. And to walk out of this experience knowing their power, being connected to their sexuality and their sensuality, knowing that self sabotage does not mean to hijack their life and knowing that they have a community that's safe to bring whatever to and be held in. And so that's what the Queenmaker group coaching program is about. There's also group calls, there's also activities.

I'm like known for sort of like minefield kind of activities where you think like, oh, it's just this little thing that you get to do. And then they go and they do it and I get voice notes and I get videos in the group going, what the heck just happened? You know, I didn't expect it to be this video deep, but again, you and I don't play in shallow waters. If I'm going to really say that I can support you and help you, I'm getting to the root of something, you know, and I'm not here to band aid anything for anybody. And so that is the group coaching program. The next round starts February 15th. So it's enrolling now. And I've had women applying even before I open enrollment. So it's amazing. And then the live event is a full day. It'll be February 9th, it'll be in the LA area. And that is just for the women who want to come and experience me in person. Because I totally get that, like there are people out there that need to feel my frequency in person before they sign up for an adventure like going in the Queen Maker group coaching program. Or there's women who just want to come learn and experience and create more community. So those are the two things that I have on deck right now in service to the queens that are ready.

You are such a spectacular human being. And I'm just so grateful that, you know, I hate all the fluffy shit out there that really doesn't move the needle or really help in transformation. And, you know, women know that they need to do the work, but they're not necessarily putting their hands up saying, yeah, sure, every rip, every scab open, dig into all of it, and don't disrupt my life, please. But I know. But I know I need to do this work, right? And so I honor your commitment to this kind of work, because this is really where transformation happens. And the life that all of you are saying you want, this is what's required. It really, really is. Because we're all kind of recovering from something.

Sure, Absolutely. And there's one thing, if I can promise anything, it's that it's so worth it. It.

It is.

It's that no matter how afraid I feel in the beginning of something or how many times I open up an application for a coaching program and then walk away and then come back and then walk away, as soon as I hit submit, the work starts. And as soon as I'm in that process, I get out the other side and I go, hallelujah. Thank you, God, for that process. Because I have a deeper sense of joy and fulfillment and understanding of who I be in this world now. And there's. That's priceless.

It really is. And I know if you're listening to this podcast today, it is not by accident. I divinely believe that everything that we're supposed to hear learn is put in front of us for a reason. And you guys know that I don't bring anybody that I don't believe in or trust. And this woman is at the top of that list for this kind of work. There aren't many that I would ever recommend, and she is at the very top of this list. So you definitely want to connect with her. And if you loved this conversation, it would mean the world to us to know, because doing this kind of work with people can get pretty lonely. It is not the sexy, pretty work and the fluffy kind of events that are rah, rah, rah. You know, people are afraid to say they work with us because then they know what's happening. It would mean a lot to us if you let us know that you love this screenshot.

This Share it Katie?

Yes. Where can people find you?

You can find me on Instagram at the Queenmaker Live. Or you can find me at www.the Queenmaker.live. i'm also on Facebook if you type in Katie Rohano, which is my last name, R O J A N O. But yeah, those are the three spaces I plan the most these days.

I'm so grateful that we played in the same space that brought us together. Because seriously, I'm so. I'm so grateful that I met you and that I can call you friend. And thank you for just delivering so much today. Not just for me, but I mean I took a lot out of this personally and just thank you for that. And I know that you helped thousands and thousands of other people today. So thanks for your time.

Thank you. I'm so honored to know you, to call you a friend, to be inspired by you and just to walk this path with you. Thank you so much. Tracy, you're amazing.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.