134: How the framework of the Enneagram helped me get out of my own way in my 40s

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up, let's go.

You know, I was always told, I remember being younger and I was always told, the 40s are the best. The 40s are the best. Just wait till you're 40. It'll all make sense. You'll give zero about a bunch of shit, you'll have the wisdom, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I remember when I hit 40.

Almost a decade ago now, and.

I was like, I think they're all full of shit. So I'm going to paint the picture for you. I'm going to take you back about nine years because you know what? Guess who's going into their last year, their 40s here this week. Your homegirl right here. And I remember when my 40s started. Um, I'll just paint this very unpretty picture for you. Um, I was working a corporate job that I absolutely hated. I was pretty good at it. Um, I was dealing with the after effects of the recession. Um, I lost a house and a business during the recession. I also went through a divorce during the, through the recession. Um, when I lost my business, I needed to get a job. I'm the sole provider physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially for my kids. And so I needed to do whatever it took. At the same time, those two beautiful babies needed braces on their teeth, both of them, at the same time. And.

I was in a relationship that was pretty toxic. The way of coping with things were to drink, binge, binge drink, and then black out or not eat or totally eat, like you name it. And like this whole volcano was ready to erupt. And then right after I turned 40, my dad passed away suddenly from cancer. Like literally 12 day cancer diagnosis. And I was like, okay, all you jerks telling me the 40s are the best. This is not off to a good start. And I remember Knowing that something needed to change, but I didn't know how to do it. I knew that everything needed to change. I was very aware that, like, this was not going well.

And I know there's many of you listening right now that you're white knuckling it. You're at the end of a very frayed rope. You're barely hanging on. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. And you know that change need to be made. But you either are really afraid to make the changes or you're so overwhelmed that you just put your head in the sand. And I was doing all of it. So I want you to know I am in zero judgment. But I also know that by putting your head in the sand or doing nothing or being so fearful that you just are paralyzed, your shit is going to blow up. I don't recommend it. I really, really don't. Growth is painful. Making changes. Change is so scary. Change. The thought of change is scarier than actually making the change. And I think sometimes we blow up our life to force us to do it. I mean, I know as an enneagram 8, I operate best in chaos.

And it's something I've really had to work on. And in today's episode, I wanted to share with you all the beautiful things that I have learned through in my 40s because I am in my last year right now. And that's crazy to me. And they weren't lying. All those people weren't lying when they said the 40s are the best, because they are now. It's what you do with them that makes all the difference. Because the way it started and the way that my 40s are ending are two totally different versions of me. Still me. But the things I've been willing to do, the ways I've humbled myself, the I don't knows, and then learning how to do it, the you know, when you know something different, when you know, when you know better, you must do better kind of thing. That's all happened in my 40s. And it was messy and it was scary and it was lonely and it was humiliating at times. And it was.

You know, I had to clear the path of a lot of people, places and things along the way. All of it's scary. And it was all necessary for me to be who you see today. Most of you listening right now didn't know me back then. And I was still a really good person. I was. In my heart, I was a good person. But there was so much armor on me to protect the most Vulnerable parts of me.

Whether it was through, you know, substances or behaviors like anger and domineering behavior and aggressiveness or being secretive. I mean, that's the other side of the eight is being this very secretive, private person that is isolating.

You know, and it. It all came to a head one day, just all came to a head, and.

All bets were off. And, you know, if I can teach you anything today on this very special episode, because I do turn 49 here in just a day or two.

You can turn it around. And I know, you know, even though 2020 was like, like unbelievable in so many ways, for some of you, it was unbelievably great. And if you listen to last week's episode on all the gifts that Covid gave you, if you choose to look at it this way, you'll understand what I mean by that.

But I know moving into this end of the first quarter of 2021, we're feeling the residual of what last year was. You know, things are starting to come back.

Reopening schools, you know, reopening, things like that. But there's all this, like, residual and recoil from. From that. And I'm not going to lie, when last year happened, I kind of had a little PTSD because that was like my 2008. And then the residual effect. It took four years for the crash of 2008 in all areas of my life to catch up to me four years later. And those four years were terrible.

Because I chose to let them be. And if I give you anything today, I want you to know that I know many of you are smiling through the pain or just putting your head down and grinding through it, and you're doing what you know to do, and I get that. It's like, just make it one more day. Just make it one more day. But the shit's gonna blow up, and I don't wish that for you.

And so if you can learn anything from me today, from ol wise one in her almost done with the 40s, because 50 is knocking on my door. 365 days from 50. And, you know, I'm so grateful that rock bottom came. You know, there's for rock bottom for one person can look totally different for another. And in this short, short episode, I just felt called to really pour love into you today because I know many of you are facing a version of that. And I'm not here to judge what rock bottom looks for anyone, because sometimes when we're on the outside of other people's lives, we can see it coming. But unless you're in it. It's really hard for you to see it for what it is. And it's very hard to make changes when you're holding on for dear life and just bracing for impact.

But if you know something's got to change, then you have to do some changing. You do. Nothing changes if nothing changes is one of my.

Favorite quotes, quite honestly, because it's true. You know, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is called insanity. And that's true, too. And I'm not judging you if you're in that, because I've been there. But I also know the wreckage it leaves behind.

With your families, with your soul, with your bank account, all of it. And so if you're in your life and you know something's gotta change, today's your day. Today's your day to start doing the opposite of what you know to do in a lot of ways, taking contrary action. You know, a lot of times, you know, for me, I go into the mode of throwing walls up, you know, as an enneagram8. That's where I go.

Especially when I feel like I'm being put in a vulnerable situation. And entering my 40s, that's exactly where I was at. So I didn't have the skill set or the knowledge of how to do things different. So I was on autopilot until I couldn't be anymore, until everything crashed and burned. And thank God it was during that time that the Enneagram was introduced to me. And I did enter it kicking and screaming, but I was willing, because, let's just be real. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I knew the thing that needed to change was me. Right? And so the framework of the Enneagram allowed me to crawl out of the wreckage and help others, including my family first, my kids and me, crawl out of our own wreckage that I caused. And that was a hard pill to swallow. But guilt and shame served no good, right? If you're burying yourself in guilt and shame.

You'Re only making the problem worse, quite honestly, and throwing yourself in guilt and shame and codependency and maybe even addiction, if that's something that is. Is yours bearing yourself, it's just a matter of time. And I don't want you to.

Have to deal with the. The wreckage of it for yourself, for the people you love, for the destruction it does. Financially, it's just. It's a lot. And if I've learned anything through my 40s, you know, it took me almost to 41 before I really started to Get. Get my wheels moving. I was halfway through my 40s when all hell broke loose. And at my 41 year mark, I had just hit the six month sobriety mark and had six months of Enneagram knowledge and work under my belt. And I'd already seen myself turn it around. And the Enneagram was the roadmap out of my wreckage. It really, really was. It allowed me to not bury myself even further in the guilt and shame and regret and anger. The Enneagram was my roadmap out. And this whole podcast over the last year and a half has been about leadership.

And the Enneagram. And if you find yourself today wondering what the hell is this life all about and you've got family and you're. You're so stressed out. This is why I love the framework of the Enneagram. It is way more than this fun niche that I am in. I passionately believe in it because it helped me get out of the wreckage. And at the age of 40 years old, there's a lot of freaking baggage and wreckage on top of you. There is. And if you've blown up your life, Lord knows that that stuff gets heavy. And I will continue to bring you Enneagram framework because it is that important. It was life or death for me. And I know it's cute and I know it's trendy, and I know people don't always get it or we. We poke fun at it and. But this, seriously, if you are open, honest and willing, and if you do the freaking work and you quit putting your head in the sand, the framework of the Enneagram can actually help you get out of your own way. You have to be unconditionally committed to the process. You have to be. There is not a day that goes by that I don't pour into my own growth, you know, and anything I put in front of it, I'm going to fuck up or lose. And I know this. It comes before even my children, right? If I'm not okay, they're not going to be. Even though they're in their 20s, the people that I care about, I will act out in those relationships. If I am not okay, I absolutely will sabotage all three of my businesses. If I am not okay, my health will suffer. If I am not okay. So my personal growth, my work has to come before any of it. And it makes it all better. Honestly, no matter what comes my way today, it makes it all better. And the framework of the Enneagram and integrating it into my life has allowed me to do that so as I am knock, knock, knocking on 50's door here. What they said was true. The 40s are the best.

But it's what you do with it. And if you're over 40 and you feel like shit is hitting the fan, it's never too late. Let me tell you, if I was able to turn it around like I did, with as much stubborn, pig headed, domineering.

All the things that I am, I am all those things. I am very stubborn. I am very prideful at times. But I was humbled enough to say, you know what? If I want something different, it's going to require something different of me.

I'm obsessed with the Enneagram. It's obvious. Obviously I've made a living out of it too. But that's not why I chose to talk about it. You know, a few years ago when I was stepping out into the coaching space. I mean, I've been a coach for almost a decade, but to really narrow down who I wanted to talk to, I tried a few different kind of.

Delivery of my work and nothing was sticking. And it was so funny because, you know, I've said this before. Keep it simple, sweetheart kiss. Keep it simple, sweetheart. What was the very thing that started all of this and that really turned my transformation around? And it was the framework of the Enneagram. It made it not so complicated. So if you are one of those people that feel like you're in a rut or you don't know how to get out of it, I am here to help you with that. Whether it's in your business, in your personal life, whatever. Even doing a typing session with me will have you sitting there with so many AHAs. You will feel seen, heard and understood. And I know for a long time I ran from that. The last thing I wanted to do was be seen because I was filled with so much shame. But it is only in being seen, heard and understood.

That you can set yourself free. But you have to be willing to look in the mirror and honestly help. Having somebody help you look in it makes it a lot easier so you know you're not alone. I never want anybody to feel alone like I felt in September of 2012. It was. It was devastating and a hard time. And I'm not gonna lie, over the last decade, it has felt lonely at times. And honestly, the last few weeks have been feeling that little pang of lonely. Because as we clear the wreckage, sometimes we have to clear the wreckage of people that no longer serve our life. And it doesn't make them bad. Or us bad. Or us a bad person for saying, you know, this isn't working for me anymore. This is how we stay out of the wreckage. And understanding where you go when you're in stress, with the framework of the Enneagram, and with a guide like me to help you through that, you don't have to stay buried anymore. You don't. The good news is you don't need.

You don't need somebody in your life, you know, that's part of your family. You know, you don't need that to get out. But you. This is all on you. It is up to you to make the decision. It's up to you to raise your hand and say, you know what? Can you guide me through this process? I could not have done this alone. There's no fucking way.

And I had a lot of wisdom. Even. Even as a show. I. I'm pretty smart and I'm pretty insightful, but sometimes you need somebody to light the path for you, for you to keep walking on it, because if we're left to our own devices, we'll just turn around and go the way we know. But the way we know has gotten us where we are. And I felt it really important as I finishing up this last year of the 40s. I was able to turn it all around. And I know you can, too. And I see you, and I see the pain you're in. Even as you're smiling, even as you're joking, and even as. Even having some success, I can feel you. And I want you to know that it's safe and that I can light the path for you. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. Reach out. Shoot me a message on Instagram, raise your hand and say, I'm ready to do some work. I'm ready to do some work. Or you can reach out to me on my website, traceyomalley.com, the work with me section. And it's time to. It's time to do some work, right? Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I am guaranteeing myself I'm going to go into my 50s no matter what happens. Because let's just be real. The 40s have been the best, but it has also been the most pain I've ever felt. I've had losses and traumas in my 40s that are unheard of, more than harder than anything else I've ever faced. And with the tools and with my willingness and my unconditional commitment to walk on the path, even though nobody lit it before me, really, I had A few people kind of shine their lanterns like this way. This way.

I want to be able to hold that light up for you all the time. There's a beautiful journey in this, and it's scary. And you're equipped and you're capable. And if this is landing on you right now, then it's time. It is time. And I know you're scared, and I know that going somewhere you've never gone before is terrifying. But I can see the bigger picture for you. And I know what's on the other side of it.

Let me show you the way.

I'm so grateful. I am so grateful for the last decade as I move into the next one here, I really, really am. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I wish I didn't inflict so much pain on some people that I cared about. But you know what? That's part of their journey too, right? And I know through the healing that my kids and I have done, they wouldn't trade any of it either. Even though there were some pretty hard times during that those times. It is all. All of it makes you who you are. All of the things you've experienced up it to this point have mattered for something. Do not waste it. Do not waste the blessings and all the bullshit. One more day you can make it matter for something beautiful, I promise you. But you have to do the work. Doing the same thing over and over and over and over again will just create more insanity. And if you want something different, it's time to do something different. Let me help you.

I know this is landing on some of you.

And I see you.

Reach out. Until next time, here's to becoming bulletproof and happy birthday to me.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram at traceeomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.