149: The Enneagram and Grief: Here’s how to show up for (yourself) and everyone that’s grieving in your life

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

I literally just sat down in my office. I am fresh off a celebration of life for a very dear friend of mine of 20 years. And.

I felt compelled while it was still fresh on my heart. I know. You know, I've been to two standing room only funerals in a week. Both people very close to me and my family. And I learned a lot about myself this week and others this week. And it was on my heart to share this while it was still fresh for me to serve you. I've used a lot of things in my life and you know, I just did an episode on vulnerability.

A week or two ago. If you haven't listened to that, I think it's episode 143. It's fantastic, by the way. Um, but real vulnerability is showing up when you don't know what it's gonna look like. And I have zero notes in front of me. I have one thing I'm gonna close out the the show with. Cause it was speaking to me last night. But other than that, I'm kind of going rogue here, which I kind of do a lot of the time. But this is a little bit different because of the high emotional content that I might deliver you. And you know, there's. I've learned so much about myself in death.

In grief, how I show up, how I show up for others and hang with me. Even if you're not grieving something right now, you will at some point or you will love somebody that is. And I am so grateful. Yes, I am like the Enneagram girl and all of that shit. And for those of you that listen, because it's fun, that's fine too. But this is for those of you that really are intrigued by the Enneagram and really want to know what it can do for you. How I used it this last two weeks, I can't imagine how I might have shown up. I know how I showed up before. Not knowing and having such my own self awareness and awareness of others. And the Enneagram really helped me this week. And because most of you come to me for Enneagram information and integration, I thought that I was might give some life lessons to you. This is way more than about the Enneagram. It's how we use it to spread love, to spread light, to be of service, to grow ourselves, to continue on a legacy.

And I thought that this might help you. Whether it's understanding yourself and how you navigate grief, which is what I kind of had a few aha moments this week. As well as how I could show up for people that aren't like me other Enneagram types.

Because understanding grief and loss by Enneagram type can help you know what you might need when grieving. And give yourself some grace. And we all agree very differently whether we know Enneagram or not. How you can effectively show up for other people. That was the biggest aha for me is how differently I was able to show up. Because in the past I used to just kind of show up how I would want people to show up for me. Which means like not show up. I don't want anybody around me as an enneagram8 like I will die before people see me weak or vulnerable. I've come a long way by the way. That's the beautiful part of integration is you can expand beyond your old beliefs. It's still my number one trigger. But you know, I used to show up how I would want people to show up for me. Which is like leave me the alone and understanding the other eight Enneagram type. I realize that most people are very different than me. And when we love lead care about other people, we need to show up for them how they need right? And it's way more than love languages. This is like at their core who they are. And like I said, there's been. I had three deaths in 72 hours. Three funerals in one week. And each one was so completely different. But each one hit a compartment of my life. One was my recovery life and my friend life. One was for my kids. 21 year old girl died and won a 20 year friend and business partner. And how I was able not only to grieve myself, but also show up for the people that were all around. Lots of peopling.

I know that if you're fresh in grief, you may not this may not land for you yet, but definitely you may want to bookmark this and come back to it.

So for me, like I'm always when, when it comes to death, like I'm not rattled by it because I've experienced enough of that connection in the eternal life with like people that are very close to like my dad and my uncle specifically, you know. Yes, I miss them. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it sucks. I can't hear their laugh, smell their smells, hear their words of wisdom. But I feel them very much with me.

But when it comes to like death, I, my, my close friends know this. I'm usually like the six week later friend when everybody goes away. And it's a very strong thing that I feel like I'm not the, like on site when somebody dies, that person doing the meal train, that's just not me. I, I think it's valuable. There's tons of people. I saw it happening. It was beautiful. But that's not me. And thankfully these, all these families have those people in their life. But I started asking myself, what is it about the, the initial aspect of death that that's not my strength? And when I thought about myself.

And why that was, I thought about my Enneagram 8ness. And you know, the Enneagram 8 is we are, we are big action takers. Like you need a big move made. You need somebody to handle a crisis. You need somebody to show up, like be a rock. That's who you want. Now you might be thinking, well, death, like you need a rock when there's death. But here's the thing. There's tons of people around people when somebody dies. And all three of these people in my life were more than acquaintances, let me tell you.

But on a deeper level, I recognize that like I, death is final. I can't fix that. I can't take care of that. And that is my strength. I handle shit. And that's also very eye opening that, that's about me. Right? But what can I do in those situations? Yes. I can't bring these people back. I can't make the grief process for all these people better. I can, but I can't take it away from them or speed the process. They're on their own journey in their own time. But the enneagram 8 in me just wants to handle shit. And you know, that's why I wanted to be a paramedic or a trauma surgeon, because I could still fix something. And it was like in the heat of the moment where most people crack under that. That's where my strength is.

But I recognize that in the past I might not have been as present as I have been. The last two weeks.

I was reading the Room, you know, and I throw that phrase around. I know you get what I mean when I said that. Like who am I talking to? Who are the people most impacted by these losses? Yes, I have my own grief, my kids had their own grief around these people. But the immediates, the people that live inside and outside with them all the time, and who are they and what would they need? And this is where the Enneagram came into play on how I was able to step up for them. So although I'm going to touch on Enneagram, I just really want to encourage you that this, this work of self awareness, not just first yourself, you gotta be self aware first before we start diving into other people. Cause otherwise we start going into codependency and shit like that. And that, that honestly doesn't serve anybody. But because of my level of self awareness and understanding how I typically would want people to show up for me and recognizing that most people aren't like that, it allowed me to be better, of better service to other people. And I was able to stand in the g very different ways with thousands of people the last week and all the while still feeling my own feelings about it. So I wanted to give you some understanding to those of you going through grief and loss and those of you that are trying to support them. So for each Enneagram type, you can see how each, each type might react within their type, within their stress number. Because grief and loss is stressful. And if you've been listening or following around the Enneagram, you know that each of goes into a stress number when we're under extreme stress. And I don't know bigger stress than death of a loved one or something you care about. And it makes sense when I know my stress number is a five. The five cave is what I call it. No wonder I want to be isolated, alone, hoarding my energy, hoarding like lock and cave. And so understanding your stress numbers are really important when it comes to the Enneagram. And also like the last two weeks, I've been able to lean into my growth number. You know, my big eight action taker energy was not necessarily the right tool this week. It will be in six weeks. And that's where the eight can shine. And that's why I shine at the six week mark when everybody else goes away. I can be that, that rock. But in a time like these, I needed my 2 which is the growth number for the 8 which is the helper, the compassionate empathetic.

Person that can hold space like that.

So it is to your advantage to learn what we can using the wisdom of the Enneagram so that we can grieve in ways that are life giving, enhancing our ability to accept loss and and enabling us to keep moving forward. And if you aren't familiar with the Enneagram, you know, I recommend you go back and listen to a lot of these podcasts. If you want to learn more about your Enneagram type book a typing session with me, go to traciomalley.com the work with me section. We don't just talk Enneagram. We talk about the components about your life, not just in general terms. When most people hear grief and loss or loss, they think of a death. Death of a loved one is definitely a loss.

And when probably the most extreme grieving can be felt. However, death is not only is not the only reason for us to grieve a loss. I've been grieving other losses the last month or so. You know, there's losses of jobs, loss of the world as we knew it in 2020, being rejected, loss of a home, moving, loss of friendships, relationships ending, even good changes like moving forward in life, but having to say goodbye to where you've been. And you know, if you haven't read the poem Reason Lifetime, I highly encourage you to because you know, sometimes people's part in our story is over. Sometimes our part in a certain story is over. And there's a grieving process even for the beautiful things. All of these can cause us to feel a loss and like that in betweens part of like the old way and what life has for us, right? And we start the grieving process.

Grieving is not fun. Not in. Not even a little bit. It's a painful thing. You know, two hours ago I was sitting in a church and it was one of the most terrible funerals I've ever been to, but also the most beautiful. It was filled with love and light.

And if I had it my way, I probably would detour around grief and bypass. Trust me, in almost 50 years I've tried to bypass a lot of these feelings along the way and it. It never works. You never get to acceptance, which is the seventh stage of grief. Right? That being said, I've learned that grieving also has its benefits. Despite being so difficult.

Grieving teaches you quite honestly. My life has been put in very clear perspective in the last few weeks and I'm Amazed at how much I've learned about myself when I'm grieving, especially in the most healthy way that I am right now. There's some things I don't like learning about myself, like why I don't reach out at times. A lot of that has to do with my eightness and the fear of vulnerability. Even though I'm pretty strong and leaning into it, there are certain things when I can't fix it that that feels vulnerable for me because then I'm not so strong. Like, I can't be like this superhero that eights kind of think they can be sometimes. But in the end, you know, understanding grief gives me a better understanding about myself and learning better ways to live my life, as well as how I can be best of service to those that I love and lead. Grief surprises you.

And long after the funerals or the losses or the wins.

You will get triggered at random and unexpected times. And it's always an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself. And it might surprise you how you feel or show grief. Most people think of sadness when they think of grief, but it can also show up in anger. That's my favorite one. Loneliness, shame, fear, anxiety, and the full range of emotions. And I've talked about this movie before on this podcast called Inside Out. It's a kids movie, but it is so great about understanding the full range of emotions that we all require for acceptance. We're all going to experience grief, so you might as well just, like, embrace the fact that you need to feel all of them in order to get to acceptance. Grieving hurts. That's obvious. Grieving is and always will be a painful process, but it's a process that brings me to the next point, and that's that grieving does end. Or rather, it should end, right? If you don't step into your own awareness and the most healthy version of yourself, then it's possible to carry on grieving for the rest of your life. And we've seen people do that. And, you know, for a long, long time I was doing that. Whether we stuff it, bury it, fill it with people, places, or things, that is not what we want. And it really isn't healthy either, because there are people still here that love us. It's not to say that we don't stop remembering people that we've lost or things that we've lost. But the grieving aspect does disappear. And it's so helpful to know while in this hard time that it doesn't last forever. And I have learned the most about myself I have embraced the beautiful blessings that life has to offer through grief and especially the greatest losses of my life. Ironically, in three days it will be the two year anniversary of the loss of the most impactful human in my life. And although I do miss him every day, like the the ache in the heart does let up a little bit. But grieving does heal you and grows you if you allow it to. This may not come as a surprise, but you need to grieve to be healed from the hurt. And does the grieving hurt as well? Yeah, ye. Yeah, but it's a healing hurt.

So why you need to know how your type handles grief and loss or the others? Right. It's good to know how your enneagram type handles grief and loss so you can better understand what you're going through. When we can wrap our brain around it, it's a. A little easier to not be blindsided by it. You know, just knowing that you're doing XYZ because you're grieving can be so helpful, let me tell you. It gives you a little bit to stand upon so that you can see your way forward and see a little bit clearer. It also shows you what you may need to do in order to fully grieve so that you can get to acceptance and transformation. And I all my more empathetic types out there, just because the hurt goes away, doesn't take away from how much we loved someone. I see people stay in grief for longer periods of time to measure the amount that they loved the person. And I'm here to tell you, all the people that have passed on and left us, they would not want us doing that. So this is how this can help you too. Why you need to know how other types handle grief. Well, I saw that come into full effect this week and it allows you to have more compassion for them. It allows you to not be judgmental on how they grief. Like, you know, some of the people want to be very vocal about it on social media. Some people want to be in a cave and neither is wrong. And when you understand how that person operates, you can fully support them without judgment. And it's, it's a beautiful thing to have an unlimited compassion for them and understand that they are grieving if it, even if it doesn't look like how you would. None of these people grieved how I would have. And it was beautiful to witness them in their true self. It really, really was. And I know 10 years ago I would have judged the fuck out of these people. And that's humbling Right. And that's why this work is so important. And this also will allow you to help what they might need from you during this hard time. So one type one's reactions, they want structure when grieving. One of the people that was dealing with this is a one, in my opinion.

They want structure and order in the right way to proceed. They want guidelines for making decisions. Ones are in the gut and body triad, so anger is more likely to flare up, especially if there's any sense of injustice involved. And I know this to be true. It was unexpected and unimaginable and way too soon. They can easily dip into the negative type 1 traits, such as being critical, judgmental, perfectionistic, and I saw some of that and had so much compassion. Type ones move into four, the unhealthy four and their stress. And since grief and loss is a stressful time, they are likely to become more familiar with their four. And that might look like being more withdrawn, moody, emotional, envious, irritable, all over the place they can seem, which usually that one is so put together.

One's are very compliant and dutiful in their stance, which means they're more likely to continue doing life and doing things for others instead of maybe properly processing things. And I've seen that as well.

For the type ones. If you are a type one or love or lead a type one, using music to get in tune with the emotions, moving their body, moving your body outside. Specifically process processing the thinking with the more dominant types like a 5, 6 or 7, to help kick your thinking into gear and realize that there's not one right way to grieve. And you can't fix grief, you just have to go through it. So my enneagram twos want support and approval of others while figuring out how to move forward.

While they want support from others, they also want to support others grieving to help strengthen their bond with those people. Since twos are in the heart triad, shame is more likely to flare up, especially if there is any sense of having their own needs involved. They may easily dip into the negative type 2 traits such as being prideful, manipulative, and maybe even a little martyrish while grieving. So type twos move into the unhealthy eight in their stress. That empathetic, compassionate person can all of a sudden.

Can look a little angry and they can be demanding, blunt, controlling, argumentative, which is so not their natural nature.

Type twos are also in the compliant and dutiful stance, which means they're more likely to continue doing life and doing things for others instead of properly processing things.

If you are a type 2 or love a type 2, pay attention to your needs or their needs if you know you have a type 2. Because they will still kind of carry on in their helper ways, not just the needs of others having alone time so they can focus on their feelings because they go to the four in a growth pattern. Otherwise they'll be soaking up feelings. You'll be soaking up feelings of everyone else. Also processing your think with the thinking dominant types, the five, six or sevens to help kick your repressed thinking into gear again, movement to help release any energy that is kind of stagnant or pent up. My enneagram threes they want to know and set goals quickly. They want to like tactical. They ask questions. They want to express their emotions but not be overwhelmed by them. And since threes are in the heart triad, shame is more likely to flare up, especially if there is any sense of failure involved. But they may easily dip into the negative type 3 behavior such as being vain, inauthentic, validation and needy. While grieving Type threes move into the unhealthier nine in their stress and grief they are likely to become more familiar with their stress number. So what that might look like for a three is being disengaged complacent retreating so that the threes are in the assertive stance like the eights and the sevens, which means they're more likely to act out instead of properly processing things. They might get distracted set a goal. Believe it or not, I was witnessing some of that this week too. If you love a type 3 or you are a type 3, allowing others to take charge during this time will be super helpful. Practice being and not doing.

Process with the feeling dominant types. Others other threes or twos or fours. Threes are feeling dominant, but they can kind of contradict that sometimes and realize that grief doesn't come with a checklist. You might see threes really just the to do list during this time to kind of avoid feeling. My enneagram fours want to discover what is missing, whether within themselves or in the grieving process. And they actually want to feel all their emotions and fully express them. And they're in the heart triad as well, so shame is more likely to flare up, especially if there's any sense of rejection involved.

The dark side of the four is that moody, temperamental, withdrawn.

Kind of state while grieving. So type fours move into an unhealthy 2 in stress. So that might look like being overly people pleasing trying to buy Others love testing the strength of relationships, pushing buttons, doing the push pull game.

The fours are in the withdrawn stance. The fours, fives and nines are in the withdrawn stance, which means they're more likely to retreat from others instead of properly processing things. So if you are a type 4 or love a type 4, making a list of things you are grateful for, both things around you, and especially within yourself, ride the wave of emotions, but let it take you somewhere healthy. If you're helping a Four through grief, don't tell them how to grieve or how to process their emotions. They are the masters of it. Don't rush their process. Processing with the more dominant types like a 1, 8 or 9 will be helpful. For a 4. It's where I step in. It's. I'm. I'm really. Because they're. They're more withdrawn and they're not big action takers all the time. So having one of us do that, and especially for the fours, realizing that grief doesn't last forever because of their emotional capacity, they can stay in that for longer than they need to, but without rushing it. The fives in grief and loss want to. Want to have clarity before making decisions. And they want to avoid the excess emotions, both theirs and others. Since fives are in the head triad, anxiety and fear is more likely to flare up, especially if there's any sense of incompetency or the unknown. The dark side of the five, like I said, which is where I go under extreme stress, is being withdrawn, cynical, or stingy while grieving. Well, a five under extreme stress moves into the unhealthy seven, and that might look like being a little indulgent, almost manic, sometimes restless, dissatisfied. The fives fall in that withdrawn stance as well. So they are more likely to retreat from others instead of processing things the way that they really need to to get to acceptance. So if you are a five or love a five and recognize that you're watching a five in grief.

Hold space for them to feel their emotions. And if you are a five, feeling them in your body, which is usually when you bolt to the seven to avoid that, engage with the emotions that you have instead of detaching from them. Again, processing with a dominant type, the ones, the eights or nines, to help you kick your repress action spot into gear and realize that you can't understand all of it. The. The fives want to really have all the information. And because we're all so drastically different, they will never realizing you will never understand all of it. And it's hard to make sense of and hard to have a spreadsheet and understand all of it. It's such a emotional thing and Fives really don't want to do that. But when they can, they can get to acceptance and move through the grief too. My six is in grief.

They want certainty in plans and in loyalty, and they want reassurance about the future and sick. Since sixes are in the head triad, you know, anxiety and fear is more likely to flare up. There's nothing more uncertain than death, right? Like it can come out of nowhere, especially if there's a sense of disloyalty or the unknown. The dark side of the six traits are things like being self doubting, anxious, hyper vigilant when grieving, super tenacious about loyalty. So a six under extreme stress moves into an unhealthy three. So that might look like being image conscious, afraid of failure, doing the right thing. What would people think? Staying extra busy. And the six falls into that compliance stance, which means they're more likely to continue doing life and doing things for others instead of processing their own feelings as well. And if you are a 6 or are serving or being there for a 6, notice what you can do and learn right now as a as to oppose as opposed to what to do in the future. Since the Sixes are such forward thinkers and troubleshooters, helping them stay in the moment. Or if you are six staying in the moment, keeping a list of when your instincts and thoughts were correct in the past to help build trust in yourself and others. Processing with the thinking dominant types, the five sixes or sevens will help keep your repressed thinking into gear. And you know, if you are a six or love a six, you know, remembering that life can move forward even with uncertainties, which is like the worst case scenario for a six is uncertainty. But there's nothing that can create more uncertain uncertainty than grief sometimes. So getting to a healthier version of yourself or loving somebody through this process will be really, really important.

Sevens during grief and loss want to explore the range of options. They prefer the quick decisions. And since they're in the head triad, anxiety and fear is more likely to flare up. And the dark side of the seven are things like being unfocused, indulgent, escapist, maybe even a little needy while grieving. A7 moves into an unhealthy one under extreme stress. And obviously this is.

On, you know, not unlike the other types. So moving into the one for a seven might look like being super rigid, super critical, pessimistic and Perfectionistic where that free spirited and lightness of the seven, all of a sudden you know it's hyper vigilant about certain things. The sevens are in the assertive stance which means that they are more likely to act out instead of processing things properly for them to get to acceptance. So if you are a seven or love a seven, following a routine will be important so that life can continue in a healthy way. Since sevens fear and and want to avoid painful emotions like grief is highest very high in the list. So processing with the feeling dominant types, the heart triad, the twos, the threes and fours can help kick to that repressed feeling part of you into gear and realizing that fully grieving involves allowing painful emotions and surrounding yourself with people that can hold that space for you. My fellow eights in grief and loss we want some sort of control of either themselves or the situation. Eights want to get things rolling and to move forward.

Since the eights are in the gut and body triad, anger is more likely to flare up. The dark side of the eight would be look like, you know, dipping into the negative type A traits such as being controlling, intimidating and rebellious while grieving. Like I said earlier, the eights move into five in stress and so that might look like being super cynical, detached, secretive, withdrawn.

In the cave is what I said earlier. Since the eights fall into the assertive stance, they are absolutely more likely to act out instead of properly processing things instead of being present which is, you know what I was able to do this week. I process my feelings with the twos, threes and fours heavily the last few weeks. And for my eight, if you love an eight, you are an eight. Getting some sleep and taking care of your body. I've slept more probably the last two weeks and moved my body more than I have in a long long time because that exercise can release a lot of that pent up emotions and energy and realizing if you are an 8 or 118 that being vulnerable while grieving will not break you. And finally my eights or my nines. Nines want to take all points into consideration before doing anything and they also want to avoid conflict and help reduce others discomfort. I think one of the people that passed away was a nine and he was so gifted at this. Like we heard stories all day today about just who he was. Like the silent but mighty and that's like the healthiest nine. He was a beautiful nine in my opinion. And since nines are in that in the gut and body triad, anger is more likely to flare up. But it's More subtle than innate.

Especially if there's conflict involved or injustice. And the dark side of the nine traits, such as being indecisive, passive aggressive or forgetful may come to the surface, but a nine moves into an unhealthy six under extreme stress. And what that might look like for a nine. A little out of character, super suspicious, self doubting, anxious, over committed. Nines are also in that withdrawn stance, which means that they're likely to retreat from others instead of processing things. And if you are a 9 or 11 9, remembering to love yourself equally to others, you are just as important. And if you know a nine, like not letting them take over to be of service is really, really important. Same thing with my twos. Pay attention where you feel grief in your body. Processing with other dominant types, types, other, other ones, eights or other nines and realizing that numbing out will not help you process grief, it'll just delay it. And you know to get to acceptance, you have to, you have. There's no bypass around it. There really, really isn't. And it's been a very eye opening few weeks and a lot of hearts are hurting. And there was a lot of celebrating too. And I saw the full range of the enneagram spectrum. It's what I study in and out. It's what I do in and out all day long. And so I can't help but, you know, read people. It's my gift. It really isn't because I use it in a beautiful, healthy way today. It's allowed me to not just process through my own grief at a very rapid pace, probably more rapid than most, but it allows me to really hold that kind of space for what others would need for them, not for what I might need. And I just want to finish with this. If your heart's hurting.

Understanding yourself so that you don't have to hold judgment or shame or avoid knowing that how you navigate hard things in life to get to the beautiful parts that even grieving can bring you so you can get there faster. Those that have passed on, if it's a death, like they would want you to squeeze the juice out of every aspect of life. They would if they had one thing that they would want for you, for them, for any of us, is more time. So learning about yourself and having love and compassion and honor for yourself so that you can freely give that to other people. Don't waste one more day. If you need help with that, reach out. You can find me at tracyomalley on Instagram as well as traceyomalley.com if you want to dive deeper in this, like I said, this is what I do all day long, is helping you understand you so you could be the best you for everybody that you love, love and lead in your life. And especially yourself too.

So I want to read you a poem. It's beautiful and it was very fitting for the last few weeks where my old unhealthy eightness would have just taken over and gone into like fix it mode or just like a bowl in a china shop.

I was really encouraged by myself. It was very eye opening to how it was much I have grown and I'm not one to be proud of myself outwardly. So the fact that I'm even sharing that I'm really proud of myself and how far I've come along the way and my own grief and being there for other people, I'm. I'm much better than I was. And I can't help but be grateful for the wisdom of the Enneagram and the integration of it in my life and in helping many of you do the same. So this is a beautiful poem and I'll finish with this and until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof, y'. All.

I did not come into this room to see the world through your eyes. I cannot do that. I came here to listen not merely with my ears, but with my heart. Tell me your story and I may leave. Loving more and knowing better. May I leave here carrying you in my spirit as I walk out of this room and into another.

I'm grateful for each and every one of you.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tag me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand.

On the front line of your life.

And do the work.

Let's become Bulletproof.