150: Client Spotlight with Marissa: The twists and turns of an Enneagram 6

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

All right, you guys, buckle up. We got a fun episode ahead of you. We are talking to somebody that I have taken through the typing process and I'm just gonna let you know we got somebody who is a little nervous because she's a six on the Enneagram and they like to not be blindsided by things. And I'm kind of a going rogue kind of person. Natur. Naturally, I should have known.

Because my best friend's a Six. I'm. I'm pretty skilled in understanding what a Six might like and require and being blindsided with questions is not their favorite thing to do. But thankfully this beautiful lady trusts me and I'm just so easygoing, you know, So I love that she, I could tell her energy. When we got on a few minutes ago, I was like, what's going on? You look a little nervous. And she was up at 3am like wondering what the hell we're going to talk about. So I like when Sixes lean into their healthy nine because that's where they go in growth. And we're going to touch on that and what that means because, I mean, if she was in her unhealthy ways, me not sending some questions ahead of time could have spun her the hell out and really caused some damage. But we're going to talk about growth numbers and stress numbers and what it means to be an enneagram6. And if you aren't an Enneagra, I want you to listen to this because you do have a Six in your life somewhere. They're the ones that ask all the questions. They're the ones that need to know. They're the ones that bought all the toilet paper and have spreadsheets for three to 10 possible scenarios that come across and they will be the person that has your back more than anyone if you honor their process too. And having a best friend that's a six in my life, I had to really alter how I, you know, kind of run my show here like myself, because like I said, I'm just an instinctual, going hot kind of person. In four or six that could be feel really disrespectful. And I guarantee you have a six in your life, whether you love them or lead them. So this will be very important information for you so that you can bring out the very best in the loyalist in your life. And so, Marissa, hi.

Hey, Tracy. I've been thinking about this since 3am so.

Oh my God.

I'm ready to go.

Okay. So you were just telling me your husband said if we were due to an autopsy on you when you die, that it would come back as like the most active brain ever.

That's right. This brain never stops. And it doesn't really come out of my mouth, but it's. My brain is always going. I just keep it all inside most of the time. Or at least I used to when I was an unhealthy version of my version of myself. I'm. I speak a lot more than I used to.

Well, girl, you speak a lot now and I freaking love it. I love when. When you do because you have a lot of good shit to say. And we'll get to that. But why were you up at 3am let's let them into the mind of an enneagram6. And why at 3am you know, the brain starts going, hello, we got something to think about. What is it like to be an enneagram6?

Yeah, inside my brain. Things that were going through my mind at 3am what if she asked me about my story? What story do I tell? What version? What part of my story am I going to talk about? Who wants to know? What. What if she asked me something and I'm stumped and I don't have the answer to it? Like all those different scenarios of what I could possibly say. So.

Well, I know there's a lot of you that may be relating to her, even though you're not an enneagram 6. And that's. That's okay too. I like the. The brain of the Enneagram 6. They. They run through worst case scenario for pretty much everything. The what if. What if. What if? What if? What if starts pretty much every sentence of an enneagram 6, which is why they're great troubleshooters and why you all get me out of a lot of Trouble, because like I said, I'll just, like, not even think about things and the Sixes in my life. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Have you thought about this? Now, that very gift can also be the wrecking ball in your life because it can paralyze you. It can keep you stuck in things that maybe don't serve you, because at least what you know might be better than what you don't. And I know for you, part of your story was unhealthy relationships and really like narcissistic relationships in your life. And do you think that at least knowing what you were dealing with was more comforting even though it was shitty than the unknown?

Oh, for sure, yeah. When I was in my toxic marriage, I was married for 12 years. It was very toxic. I don't call him a narcissist just because it's not my job to diagnose him. And he's still in my life because he's the father of my children. So out of respect, I just say it was my toxic marriage too.

Always. Good. I love that you said that because I agree with 1,000%.

1,000%, yes. And he. Now that I know about the Enneagram, he was a very unhealthy eight, and I was a very unhealthy six. God love it.

Yeah.

Right. So he, like, super strong challenger. And I, as the loyalist and probably a little codependent, always wanted to make sure, like, keep the peace and all that. So, yeah, that knowing what I had was much safer, which is a key word in my life, safe and peace. Much safer than leaving as a stay at home mom. What could. How would I survive on my own? And who's going to want me with two kids and I'm being divorced.

Girl, you're speaking my language. I feel you so deeply on that. And you know, the core motivator, you know, of the thinking triad, which is the 5, 6, and 7, is certainty. But especially for the Sixes, they need to have certainty on a next level. Safety, support. And when you're in a toxic relationship.

You know that like it. That's why a lot of. Not just Sixes in general, but a lot of people like having certainty is more important than the unknown. But at some point you did decide, like, I've had enough. What was the breaking point for you? That you were willing to go into the uncertainty, which is like. Feels like death to a Six, Like a blind side, Uncertain situation feels like death. So it had to be pretty. Like, this is not going to work anymore.

Yeah. So we had moved to Arizona from the Midwest for his job. And before that, he had always traveled quite a bit for work. So there was a few days out of the week where it was peaceful. It was. I could breathe in my own home and I wasn't walking on eggshells. When we moved here, he did not travel. He was home all the time. And a lot of times he was home by 3:30. And so I just felt like I was constantly suffocating. And even though.

He always was successful at work, and so we didn't have a lot of financial stress, but it was still so stressful being here and having him home all the time. So I just. I mean, I went from like, oh my gosh, I hate him so much. I don't know if I can do this anymore to just being completely numb and I'm going to die if I don't leave. If there's not a change here, there's no coming back when you're just totally numb. Just checked out of everything. And my kids were little and I just was like, I cannot live like this for another minute.

No. And it's one of those things that I've said a lot. If you don't repair it, you repeat it. And I know for me too, like, look, I was starting to repeat my part in things. You know, like you said, it does take two. It always takes two to break down a relationship. And I knew that whatever I wasn't repairing, I was going to repeat. And for you, becoming numb. I know that when we look into the eyes of our kids, we think we're, you know, just staying there and doing the, what, you know, people might expect us to do is the right thing, but energy doesn't lie. And how old were your kids when you made that decision?

8 and 10.

Yeah, that's how mine were 9 and 10 when I made that decision. It's where, like, they're onto us.

Right, Right. It's also like the most heartbreaking conversation you will ever have in your life is telling your kids that mommy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore.

I mean, so how long ago was that?

So that would have been nine years ago.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. We'll get into what's come as a result, because I think, you know, I've said this before and, you know, my kids are now in their 20s. And yes, it is the hardest conversation ever, but happy parents bring up healthy kids and happy kids, and they thank me to this day for not staying where we weren't happy. And so although it's very Hard and had its challenges. You know, fast forward. I can see the benefits in that. And learning about my type, you know, nine years ago didn't help or didn't hurt things. So when you came to me, gosh, was it about two years ago that we did your typing session?

Yeah, two years.

Holy crap.

I know.

Did you know much about the Enneagram? When we kind of chatted, I had.

Just been kind of looking into it and just like, like you always say, like the memes and things like that. And I'm like, I wonder what I am. Because I take. By then I'd taken a few tests and I was like, I don't know. It doesn't. Like, I can't think. I came back as a five. And I was like, no way. Because, like, research is like death to me. I don't want to research anything. Just tell me where to go. I don't want to do that.

Yeah, well, you know, mistyping happened. It's the. It's the number one issue with the Enneagram and all these online and people just wanting to kind of, you know, know what they are. And, you know, it's really important. If you're going to use this beautiful, amazing, powerful, incredible, life changing tool, you have the right. And so when you came to me and we were navigating that, we came up and decided that you were an enneagram6, the loyalist. And what was your biggest aha moment? When we came to that.

I think the biggest and best takeaway for me was like, oh, great, there's nothing wrong with me. There are other people like me. I'm not broken. This is just the way I'm built. And that's okay because I always thought, like, my brain must be broken. Why do I obsess about simple things like what time someone's going to come over and how long they're going to stay. Because I need to know questions that need to be answered. So I just love that. I'm like, okay, I'm not. I'm not just a mess of a person. I'm just. I'm a six.

Yeah. Yeah. And that was my experience too. When I discovered I was an eight, I was like, oh, okay. Like, this makes a lot of sense. And I think when, especially when we've experienced trauma and a lot of dysfunction like you have and I have, and most of us have, by the way, we start to go to work on blocking ourselves into isolation because we feel so unique, like there's something wrong with us. And what the Enneagram did For you and me and countless others is like, okay, this makes a lot more sense now. That being said, we don't want to just be that. Like that's the problem that I see a lot of times we'll, we'll use this as a. Well, that's just the way I am. I'm just a six. Yes, you are. And there's an unhealthy and a healthy version of that. So when you were in your unhealthy six, how did that paralyze you in your life, would you say?

That's a good question.

How did it paralyze me? I mean, I would say paralyze is like the word for what I was when I was in my toxic marriage. I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want. My job was just to make sure.

Everyone in the house was happy and that everyone was perfect. I remember.

Like if my husband at the time had a rough day at work, I would tell my kids who were very little, like five and seven, or even younger, please be perfect. Daddy had a really hard, hard day at work. Like, just, just please get along. Like, just don't. Like, just be perfect. Like, that's impossible. No one can be perfect. Especially if I have a three year old, you know, it's crazy.

Well, that's interesting that you bring that up because we've talked about this before and I've talked about it on other episodes like we're more than just our type. And the goal is, is to be able to embody all the other nine types or at least be able to speak freely and.

Have an understanding of all the other eight types. But for the six, we go to a certain number and growth and stress. And for the 6, the stress number is an enneagram 3. The unhealthy parts of it and that whole image and keeping like making sure things go a certain way. Like you get like the blinders on fixated towards a goal. Things have to go a certain way.

And you were talking earlier before we hit record that you know the three very, very well because one of. Is it one of your close friends is a three?

Yeah, my lifelong best friend is a three. And a very strong, I think, healthy three.

Three.

She actually, I suggest she's. Yeah, you. She had a typing session with you and her husband as well, who, by the way, I dated.

I. Okay, I remember. Which is so funny.

Isn't that funny? He's. He's the one. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought so. So when you, when you're like master troubleshooting doesn't work anymore. When our unhealthy parts of our main type, your six don't work anymore, that's kind of when we go to that unhealthy number which is the unhealthy three. So where, where do you typically recognize. And I use this as a compass because I go to an unhealthy five. So when I start to isolate, it's so outside my norm that when it happens, now that I have an awareness of it, I don't have to beat the shit out of myself about it. What unhealthy three traits do you notice come into play when Marissa has been pushed beyond where she thinks she can go?

That's so interesting. Like I'm remembering like things I've never thought about before.

Yeah.

Like it's putting it all into perspective like how I was and which I never put this. I never linked these two until like just now. But when I was my first marriage and it was very. We were like big fish, small pond, so teeny tiny town in Wisconsin. My husband had a, was one of the top, you know, he was the highest level in the company that he worked for. And, and so we, I would like host people and it would just be, it have to be so perfect. Everyone thought we had the perfect life because we like the three very image driven. I remember people saying people that I didn't even know said, oh she has the perfect life. And I remember thinking like, oh my gosh, if you only knew. If you only knew. And it was all about.

Fitness, had to be at a certain level. So that's when I got my personal training license. I was.

One of the way I would not. One of the ways I would numb out was through, you know, really tough workouts and you know, restricting my diet. So like that the way I looked had to be perfect and the way people perceived my life and my marriage. I suppose. So that's. Yeah. That's crazy.

When you have so much uncertainty in your day to day life, you'll A6 will focus on the things they can control and hyperactively do that. And that's a perfect example. And you know our mutual friend, when I see her go into hyperactive like work mode, like become that workaholic. I, I know that she's kind of slipped into the unhealthy three as well. Now the beautiful part, and this is the thing with a six that can help you for all my fellow sixes out there, when, when you're in that vortex, I like to call it, of needing to know all the things. The growth number for the six is the nine, which is the Peacemaker. And. And I like to call them Yoda. And because the nine sits at the top of the Enneagram, they have, like, this bird's eye view of the other eight types and the goal for a six. And I usually tell people, like, focus on your growth number as much as you do your own type, because you want to know where you're headed, where you're, like, at your very, very best. And for a six to have all the skill sets that you do, like, you guys, like I said, you know, all the things you do, but you can get so caught up in that that you miss the miracles. And when I have a six that is spinning out in the vortex, I'm like, okay, we need Yoda right now. And that, like, seeing the bigger picture of things, like, and finding evidence where maybe you didn't know, but things worked out even better. Right? So where do. Where do you find. When you find yourself in that? What helps you kind of pattern interrupt, the cycle of crazy head, the monkey brain, the crazy thing in your brain that won't shut down. What is your pattern interrupt? Because I know a lot of sixes need this for sure. Because it can get crazy.

It can get crazy. So I have a playlist. So music is very important to me. So I will put on a specific playlist and play it really loud. I have a little trampoline, which I hopped on before I got on this call with you. Go outside because the sunlight, like, no sunglasses, Just stand outside and let the sun hit you and remind yourself that even if something does go wrong, it's not going to be the end of the world. Right? It's like life's not going to end if. If something happens that you weren't expecting. Like, sometimes surprises can be good.

Okay, I'm laughing because that is way easier said than done for an enneagram 6. Because in your mind, when you're not at your best, it can feel like death for sure, right? So it's one thing to say it, but it's another to believe it in your whole heart. And I. I agree. Like, moving energy around is like the number one homework. I give a lot of my CL outside, specifically because it's like, with no phone, no podcast, no book, no phone, like, no texting, just like you. The nature, the sun, and your own kind of self and moving that energy that can keep us stuck. Right?

For sure. And isolating is a big thing that we do. And so I call it going into my turtle shell. And I can definitely turtle shell. I could do that for weeks if I allowed myself to. So, yeah, go see a friend. Like, phone a friend, get your lifeline.

Or even run an errand. I notice like when I'm feeling like that. And this is probably why you were mistyped as a 5, depending on when you took the original assessment. If you were in one of the cave, you know, in your shell.

Yeah.

Phases. Because when I go into that, it's like, okay, I just need to be out around the people. I don't necessarily want to pick up the phone because it feels like £500. But hey, let's go to the post office and humans for a second. And sometimes that helps. And sometimes I'm like, okay, that didn't give me the. So let's go to Target instead or something. Right. And then eventually I'll just like end up phoning a friend.

So you've had this information for about two years now. And I, I see you reference it a lot and it. And it. And I'm sure it helps keep you unstuck a lot more than you used to be. So what has been the impact of understanding and in not just the information, but integrating the. Um, let's start with your relationship since. Since that's kind of what we started with. I know you're remarried now and you have older kids now. What has been the impact of understanding not just your enneagram, but maybe those that you love and lead. How's that impacted your life and relationships?

Yeah, it's definitely improved them. And my relationships now, even before enneagram integration, have already improved, but it's just taken them to the next level. Not only am I able to.

Communicate and understand other people, because now when I understand that my best friend needs to have all these plans and I'm like, that's too much. I can say, okay, I understand that you need this, but I need. We need to meet in the middle somewhere. And when I have a thousand questions for my husband, I can say, I know this seems like a lot for you, but here's why I need to know when so and so is going to come over. Not just like, oh, I'm going to stop by sometime today. That means I have to stress all day long and wonder, is she going to come now and how long is she going to stay? Because it feels like so much pressure to not know and to not be in control. Because some people can stay a long time and have no problem taking up your entire day.

And he's like, I understand where you're coming from. Whereas he could care less. Like, come whenever you want. The door's open. I'm like, no, my door's locked. You have to call before you come. Right? So we're so opposite. So for me to be able to communicate why I need to know certain things, it has helped so much for him to be like. To know how to communicate back to me.

It's so. I love that you brought this up because now knowing what I know, I would have been the absolute worst friend or partner to a six before knowing this. Because when people question me, the eight in me is like. Feels really disrespectful or like, you don't think I have handled. And you know, with my friend and she. She can. It can feel like a fire hose of questions coming at me sometimes. And I know why. Like, I understand why she needs to know. But before I knew this information, I would have barked back and created a lot more uncertainty for a six in my life. So if you are a six.

Being able to communicate why you need to have these questions answered, especially if you're in healthy relationships, is. Is key because to all the other types, it could feel kind of disrespectful. It can feel judgy. It can feel all sorts of things. So, like, when. When my friend is about to come at me with some questions, she's like, listen, I'm. This is rattling in my brain. I'm like, go for hours. I can hear it all. And so that's really important for the relationships, especially if you're in fight fight mode. It's really, really important. So when it comes to parenting, your kids are your kid. Do you have an idea what your kids are?

I had.

I don't know. My oldest is. I kind of thought he was a six, but then my younger one took a test and he came back as a six. And I was, like, really surprised because he seems more laid back than I am and my older son is, so. But then when it came back as a six, I was like, no, it's so hard to be in our head. I don't want, you know, I was like, I don't want you to be a six. It's so hard to be a six.

It's.

It's so painful. It really is, you know, when your brain just goes and goes and goes. So I'm not really sure what they.

Are having the awareness that maybe they aren't wired like you. Even though both of them kind of come back with those numbers, that was one of like, when. When I first had the, like, oh, my gosh, there are other people like me, the next thought was like, oh, shit, I'm communicating to everybody else as though they're innate. And I know for a fact I'm not raising kids like me. Even the sixes, I don't know if you know this, but the 6 is the one type that is really. They have one. They're the one type that can be either counterphobic or phobic. So the more aggressive six like you, more outward with their expression is the more counterphobic. And your son. I have another friend who's a six, who's the more phobic, the more reserved, quiet, and yeah, it's equally as crazy up in that head of yours sometimes for sure.

And in fact, if I'm trying to get a point across to my husband and he cuts me off, right, because for me, I have to support.

I have a list of reasons why I think this way, and I need to say them out loud so that he doesn't think I'm being unreasonable. This is how my brain goes. So I need. And if he cuts me off at, like, point two, and I have three more points I will say to him that doesn't feel very good to me. I'm like, I know that you are already in agreement with what I'm saying, but I still have three more things I have to say. So if you continue to do that, and this just happened a couple days ago, do you want me to go silent like I was in my first marriage? Because I was silent in my first marriage. Did not speak up, just. And he's like, that's my worst nightmare. Please, please do not go silent on me.

That is some of the best advice I could give to anybody that loves or leads a six. Let them just fire hose all their points out. Really, it's really, really important because that's how they have certainty and feel like you can hold space for them and how they'll trust you if it's in leadership, if. If you're disrespectful, even if it's leadership in the home, Right? So I love that you could express that to him. And for all my sixes out there, the goal is to be able to express this before you are backed up against the wall, because if you are a more counterphobic six, you might turn into what looks like an eight. And that's why a lot of times eights are missed or sixes are mistyped as eights, especially if they become, like, more aggressive and Things like that. I love that you did that.

So when it comes to business, you know, ironically, the very thing that we started this conversation off with is kind of the. The coaching space you are in today in helping people deal and maneuver and navigate toxic, unhealthy relationships. Not just, you know, in romantic partnerships, but any kind of relationship. So how has understanding. Because you are a six, and. And can have a certain way of thinking when you get a client that's, let's say, like me or you're working with somebody like me. How has understanding the nine types of the Enneagram allowed you to navigate business a little bit different than you would have two years ago?

Yeah. When I'm talking to someone that's different than I am, it's. It's easier now than it would have been before, because before I would have felt they're just not listening to me. I know one of the things we say in my house is I'm always right, because my advice is so on point that.

I'm always right, because I always am 10, 20, 30 steps ahead. I see how the ending is going to go.

But I understand that not everyone thinks like me, and so it's not there. They're not being disrespectful. They just have a different thought process. So there's a. You know, you have to walk through it a different way from their perspective, and that's. That's okay.

It's.

It's good that we're not all alike. It's respecting them.

And the other thing that I have navigated with sixes, according to this, because it does feel very personal, but it's not. And it feels that way, like, I'm not minimizing that. It can feel personal.

But one of the things that. I mean, especially also as an 8, where I like to take action and make shit happen and do all of that, and when I understand that not everybody's wired this way and everybody's on their own kind of journey, and I'm sure you and I had to learn some things the hard way, that even though I could have had the best strategist sitting next to me, I've been like, listen, right? You're not wired like me. And I'm. I'm gonna go fuck up my life for a second. Okay.

Yeah.

Right. So I love that. Let's talk about the wings for a minute. So as a six, you have the ability to lean into a seven or a five. And I like to tell people, it's like, you know, your six tools backwards. And Forwards and in your sleep and waking you up at 3am you know all the six tools. And sometimes the six tools aren't the right tool for the job.

Right.

And that's why it's really important to not just understand your type, but all the moving parts of it. Not comp. It's not complicated, but it is complex. So the extra tools in your tool belt that you have readily accessible to you are the five, which is the investigator, which is, you know, needing information, gathering information.

Maybe even hoarding your resources like energy and wisdom. And then on the other side of you is like the innovative, visionary enthusiast, you know, the fun card. Not just the fun card, but also like the, the optimist. The rose colored GL passes for a six. That can feel like a huge stress stretch. But sometimes you need to have that visionary spirit. So of the two wings, sometimes we lean into one heavier than the other. Sometimes we toggle between the two like I do today. Sometimes we don't use any. And that's an indication you got some more growth to do. Right. But I know that you probably lean into one or both of them. Would, would, does that sound about right?

It does. And I think I lean into both. And.

I was thinking not so much the five, but the way you worded that in terms of hoarding information.

With business.

And then not wanting to take action until I know everything. That sounds very familiar to how I.

Am building a case and sometimes building a case about why you should, should do something.

Yep. That's very much like the stage I'm in right now. Like, oh my gosh, I don't know if I'm ready. I need to learn more things and.

But also I very much lean into seven. When it's a safe group of people or just like a few very close friends. People would be shocked for me to say I'm an introvert or that I've been called shy in the past because they know me so well. But they're like, I can't believe that. I'm like, well that's because I trust you. So I can there, I can very much lean into the seven when it's safe.

It's funny, you know, with your wings and your core type, it's all in the head. Like all three of those types are in the head triad. So to operate on the instinctual aspect of your nine, that healthy nine, sometimes you need a little help because it's not your six's natural go to, to just be like, I'm going to see the overall picture here. It's like know what's right in front of me that I need to troubleshoot. And for me like going into a healthy two is not an easy thing for me. So what I usually tell people is use your wings to your advantage to help push you into your growth number. You know, it's one thing you can use the healthy five which is building a case of why things will work out right. I think so often we focus on the negative aspects of the other numbers. But I know for a fact because I have a seven wing as well as a nine wing and I need all the help I can get to push me to my growth number. Because if my eightness is left to my own will, shit ain't happening.

Right?

Right, right. And our core type is what protects our biggest vulnerabilities and our biggest fears and is what our driving motivator. And sometimes that can keep us stuck in things that aren't for us any. So using that visionary spirit and even the good, the good parts of the investigator, build a good case. A good case of why you're like going all in. Because girl, you got some things to do in this world for sure.

What would you say was the biggest blind spot you had before that you were oblivious to that. Now you see pretty clearly as an enneagram 6.

Biggest blind spot.

I think that.

Trying to keep myself.

Safe and.

Leaning into certainty.

Did more harm than good.

Because just because we, like we had talked about earlier, just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's healthy and it's okay to take a risk. So even though I'm quite risk averse, adverse whatever word that is.

Go ahead and take a risk instead of just staying safe. Because what you think is safe maybe isn't safe because when you're in a toxic relationship it feels safe because it's normal. It feels safe because you have a nice car and a custom home. But that's not emotionally safe. Maybe physically you're safe, but emotionally not safe at all.

It feels safe because it's what you know.

Yeah.

And I think you know, even with like dealing with divorce and the hard conversation or how this will impact your children. Right. I think we stay like in the. I'd rather have short term knowing.

Even if it's not great. I mean and it's so subconscious sometimes than the long term effect. The long term benefits of this, I mean scariest thing ever to walk away from a relationship that you know, especially when kids are involved. But I'm sure you see the bigger picture today. And what for sure. So, you know, I talk about the vice versus virtue in the Enneagram a lot because I don't think it's talked about enough that vice is that thorn that keeps us stuck, and the goal is the virtue of each type, and we all have one. And for the Enneagram, 6.

Fear is your vice, and it will keep you paralyzed, and you know it. It keeps you from all the juicy parts of life. And, you know, we've heard the phrase, with great re. Reward comes great risk, and that's all fine and good, but for a Six, it's like, yeah, go fuck yourself. Like, no way, right? But the virtue of the six is courage. Like, you guys are the most courageous on the Enneagram because for you to be boldly go forward without having certainty for any other Enneagram type that, like, for me, like, that doesn't scare me as much as it might you. So how do you push yourself into a courageous act when everything in your body is saying, oh, hell no?

I think it's. I think. I think about, well, what if I don't say no?

What if I say no to this amazing opportunity?

And what pain am I going to feel because I'm trying to keep myself safe? Because I'm feeding into the fear. I'm believing the fear.

Which is a lie. I'm believing this lie that.

I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, right? People stay in, you know.

In these terrible relationships because then they don't want to be alone. What if no one wants me? What if someone. What if someone does, right? So feed into, like, the what ifs in the positive way. Like, there's so many amazing opportunities on the other side of making that courageous act, choice, decision.

One of the things that I tell Sixes all the time when. When they're kind of in the vortex and that cycle is, you know, asking yourself what it. Because you guys go to what. What could. What could. The worst case scenario. And one of the pattern interrupts that I help Sixes, like, look at first before they go down that spiral is what is the best that could happen by having some courage and stepping what is the best possible scenario? And what I usually tell a six also is, like, trust me, if anything does go sideways, you've got, like, 10 plans anyway. Like, you'll be more than okay. And especially if you partner with somebody like a healthy eight who's got your back if things do go sideways, you know, so having a good supporting cast around you of people that are good when there's A blind side will be really, really good for you, too. But asking yourself, what is the absolute best thing that could happen by having courage right now?

I love that. That's beautiful.

Yeah. And it's a good pattern interrupt. It doesn't always help because you still. Your natural tendency is to go into, like, oh, my God. But I remind myself of that when I'm in my unhealthy five. And that building a case, because I can build a case too, and it can keep me stuck. And that's kind of where I go. That's like, o. What is the absolute best that can happen? Because usually we have a much better shot of the best happening if we have courage than if we stay certain.

That's true. And if you. I mean, if you stay certain and you're in the same spot, do you really want to be in the same spot five years down the line? I don't think most people want to just be in the same spot for the rest of their lives. That doesn't sound like any fun. Even if it's good right now, it's going to be real stale in five years.

God. No doubt. Like, when I think back on the last 10 years, I'm like, on version 6.0 at this point, and I honor all the other five versions of myself. But, you know, if we're not growing, we're dying. Thank you, Mr. Tony Robbins, for saying that. But it's true. It's true. And it takes courage to move forward into the unknown. And, you know, you're a little bit younger than me, but I'm sure if we look back on the previous years of our life, anytime we have had courage, like, let's build a case for that. Because when we have had courage, good things happened. You're remarried now. You have an amazing husband, you're in a healthy environment, a healthy relationship, and now you're helping others with healthy relationships that wouldn't have happened without taking some steps forward into the unknown and having that courage and stepping into the virtue of the six. So that's something to remember if you are a six. Like, start building a healthy case of reminders of when courage really honored you and things for your life.

So I know that I get hit up all the time. Like, people are interested in the Enneagram, but they're like, yeah, this is cool. But how is this gonna benefit me, really? If I really learn this, how is it going to benefit me? And why do you believe that people should invest the time knowledge into, first of all, getting typed properly? Obviously, because if you have the wrong information, you're on the wrong roadmap. Right. And how do you think this would benefit anybody at this point?

Oh, my gosh. I think everybody should be typed properly for sure.

Because it's going to enhance all of your relationships. Because not only can you step more powerfully into who you are, but it also allows you to allow the people in your lives to be themselves. Right. It kind of takes the judgment away from your friendships, your relationships. If you have work outside the home, it really does open up all of those relationships and expands them, like.

Exponentially.

Yeah. One of the things that I recognized early on in my enneagram journey 10 years ago was the compassion I was able to have for myself, understanding that my asshole ways were a protective mechanism. Now, having compassion doesn't mean I stay there, but it means I'm able to not beat myself up and go down the shame spiral. And I found also that when I had more compassion for myself, I was able to freely give that to other people. And like you said, step into. Even when it feels personal, when people don't operate like I do, because it can, but I know it's not. I can have compassion for them and knowing that they've got a fear that they're kind of protecting at all costs, too, and it certainly isn't mine.

Right, right, right.

You can't give what you don't have.

Exactly.

So learning how to honor and have compassion for yourself and feeling seen, heard, and understood in your own will allow you to hold that kind of space for the people that you love and that you lead. And I see you doing that so beautifully for other people. Not just personally. You know, I get a glimpse into your personal life a little bit, but also professionally in the work you're doing today. And I know that a lot of people listening are diving into the Enneagram and recognize, like, aha. Like there's some unhealthy patterns and relationships in their life. And that's what you help people with today.

Yeah, absolutely. Because I, coming out of a toxic relationship and now having a pretty fantastic marriage.

Why wouldn't I want to help people do the same thing?

It's coming from such turmoil internally from before to now. I can be myself with my partner, which I never really felt like I could in my first marriage. It was always just pretending to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom. And so, yeah, I want other women to be able to step fully into not only themselves, but into their future, whether or not that's romantically or with a parent. We just came off of Mother's Day yesterday and Mother's Day is not a fantastically happy day for a lot of people. And so, yeah, if I can help people navigate these toxic relationships, it's my honor.

Yeah, I love that you said that because, you know, although, you know, and I know you are too, a mom of beautiful kids, at the end of the day, there was a heaviness in my heart too. And navigating that and continuously navigating that is hard. You actually, actually are one of my favorite accounts to follow on Instagram and no, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna straight shoot people. Like, seriously, the content and information and value you give in regards to, especially a lot of codependency. You know, when we talked about narcissism earlier, like, they get the bad rap all the time. They really, really do because they're so obvious sometimes, but they can't actively be that way without a codependent kind of like enrolling in that. And you know, they feed off each other. And your content that you are putting out of there out is so great.

You know, and having that part of the relationship take responsibility for their part and how to not repeat those patterns. Because it's one thing to walk away from a toxic relationship, but if we don't understand our part in it, guess what's going to happen? Same package, different wrapping paper shows up.

Exactly. Yeah, we don't want to, we don't want to just keep repeating the same bullshit over and over again. God.

No. God. And that, you know, I'm going to be transparent with you. That's why I didn't date for seven years. Because I was like, you know, the common denominator and all this shit is me. So let's take a look at that. Not to beat myself up, but to really do some work around healing that. And that's what you help people, women specifically do today. So where can they find you on Instagram and where can they go to learn more from you other than Instagram?

Yeah, on Instagram, I am marissamize. And if you want to get a deeper dive or you want to get away from kind of the prying eyes on social media, you can go to the link in my bio. I have a private Facebook group you have to ask to join. So, you know, make sure your mother in law is not watching what you say online or your exact. Or if you're in a high conflict co parenting situation, come in here. It's, it's totally safe and you can have a community of women who are in, you know, different stages of this journey and to support you.

I love that, you know, when we can feel seen, heard, and understood in a safe place. There's. I honestly, there's nothing more valuable than that. And I think for a lot of us, when we have our eyes open to some unhealthy relationships and it's not just like a romantic partnership, but when I opened up the whole, you know, can of worms for myself, I realized my friendships were codependent. The way that I parented wasn't so healthy. And so to have this safe space for women to come to feel seen, heard and understood and do some work and own their part in it so that they can move forward, I think that that is so valuable. You guys go follow her. You're gonna fall in love with what she does, what she says. I love following you, and it's been so cool to watch you be courageous in putting some of this polarizing content out there around this stuff. Because, yeah, you're right. It does take two. It does take two. Always in a relationship and you helping others own their part so they can move forward is just beautiful work. And then, you know, happy people bring happy kids into the world and create, and the world needs that.

My God, for sure.

Girlfriend, I adore you. Thank you so much for just being so transparent and vulnerable here. I know that all my sixes out there and those that love and lead sixes really needed to hear a lot of this. You guys are very complex in a lot of ways. And I know that when people really take the time to let you fire away your questions.

The gifts of yours can really come to fruition because there is nobody, nobody that will have your back like a six does. But you have to earn their trust. And it's not that hard. It's not that hard. You just have to give a shit enough to know that this is kind of what they're protecting. So thank you for being so vulnerable and for getting up at 3am and calming yourself down and jumping on the trampoline before you got on so that you could just deliver all the beautiful goodness that you are. I appreciate you so much.

Well, I appreciate you and just proves that what a safe space you are for people like me as well. So, I mean, all the love and appreciation for you.

I appreciate that. And if you are wondering what your type is, for sure, getting typed properly is an important part of the process. And I do typing sessions with you. Coming soon, I'm going to be doing group typing sessions so that might be fun too. Not just to learn about yourself, but all the other types you can go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section. To find out more, just hit me up on Instagram at tracee Underscore o' Malley and until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's let's Become Bulletproof.