151: How your journey with the Enneagram is a constant evolution and growth process

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert, and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

You know what I love about the Enneagram framework is that no matter what happens in life, you have.

A map to kind of help get you back on track. When life throws you curveballs, when things don't go your way, when losses happen that normally would take you out, you always have the reliability of the framework of the Enneagram to help get you back on track. And you know, I know for a lot of you that are listening, you may be you're new to the Enneagram or it has been something fun that you heard about, or you know, it's cool you see these cute quote graphics online, or if you're like me, you heard about it, you maybe were a little resistant to it, but once you kind of got the Cliff Notes on what it is, you wanted to know what was in it for you. And if you're very much like me, you're like, bottom line me, how is this going to freaking help me? And here I am a decade later.

Not only utilizing it in every aspect of my life, but now I am bringing it to you. Not only teaching you the information, but the integration process of how powerful this can be in your life so that you can eliminate a lot of the sabotage, the procrastination, the unworthiness, the beating the shit out of yourself, the playing small. Honestly, seriously, if I thought about my life the last 10 years, even though I have some strong recovery work and 21 years of personal development under my belt, nothing like the Enneagram has helped keep me on track. Not just in success, not just as a parent, but in compassion, in honor, in love. Without pulling out the whipping stick on ourself. Because it's one thing to catch ourselves off track. But if you are like me in the past, a lot of times that came with some self abuse, some annihilating of yourself, some, you know, hiding under shame and guilt. And I'm going to tell you right now that this can help you stop, that you're still human. It might come up from time to time, like it has me the last few weeks. However, it won't. You won't stay there very long. So that being said, I am coming fresh off of a beautiful trip to Cancun, Mexico with my bestie. And she's an Enneagram 6, I am an Enneagram 8. And we both have strong recovery under our belt. I think I have nine years, she has six. And she is one of the top business coaches in all the land.

One of the very few that I completely trust with my whole life. Not just in business, but in my world. She is incredible. And every few months we make sure we meet somewhere. She lives in California, I live here in Arizona. And we make sure that we meet somewhere. We talk every single day, which is unreal for me. I never, you know, I'm more introverted. I. I don't necessarily need that in my life, or so I thought. That's what the eight in me tells me. I don't need shit. I don't need anyone. However, with her, it's very different. And so we went to Cancun. We always do some kind of like, brainstorming. Anyway. We. We do a lot of that there. It's. It is as much it is as it is friendship and relaxing and re. Energizing. You know, we just can't help ourselves. Our brains are kind of going and we're both each other's safe place. And I was finding myself, you know, before I even left, I was feeling a little restless and I knew I was playing small and she was going through her stuff. And.

You know, I, We. We had some hard conversations. That's the beautiful part about having the right people in your life. You can say the hard things with love doesn't even always mean it's going to be received that way because I threw some zingers way she threw one or two mine. And it was interesting, you know, looking back at it, how we both kind of reacted to that. And this is about me, though. I'm not here to tell her story, but I just wanted to kind of like give you the framework of the dynamic. Meanwhile, this all happened over a beautiful thing of chips and guacamole.

So anyway.

This was probably our last full day in Cancun. While we were sitting out in the sun and life is good and you know, the scenery was beautiful and we're both, we both know how blessed we were and are in our lives despite some of really hard things that have happened in our lives. And you know, this, this was the part of the trip where we talk about what we're going to do together. Collaboration.

And you know, for those of you that like to do collabs, know that in order to have an effective collaboration, there has to be an even energy exchange, right? I get a lot of people like, I want to collaborate with you. I'm like, yeah, no, I bring a lot of energy to the table. How are you going to match that? Right? And that's how a real good collaboration happens. So there's your little educational moment. Anyway, she and I have talked for years now about doing something together and you all have hit us up. You guys follow her too many of you do. She's been a guest on my podcast more than once.

Some of you found me through her, some of you found her through me. It's kind of that thing. And you know, when we sandwich people, I do a lot of consulting for her as well. Like her, her clients, you know, and you know, we've talked about this for a long time and honestly, the thing that's held it back is me. Not because I don't believe in it. I believe wholeheartedly in it. I am passionate about what she does. I send her a lot of clients, she sends people my way. It had nothing to do with my lack of belief in her and me and her.

The lack of belief I had in actually in this collaboration was me. And that was very eye opening. I don't want to let her down. The thing about an enneagram 8, we're so energetic and powerful in our stance and I'm going to go through all nine types and kind of what keeps us playing small for each type because I think it's really important that this isn't just about me. But I want you to know that even somebody who talks about this and integrates it in their life day in and day out, I still find things about myself that I can use to grow, not to beat myself up, you know, until my time on Earth is done, and until your time on Earth is done, just know that there's always going to be an exploration process and when things come up like this, you will recognize how some patterns come into play. But when you have the understanding of this framework, you'll be able to course correct with love and compassion and empathy for your yourself a lot faster. Now back to the story. So we were talking about what we were going to bring to all of you. And it's incredible. Let me tell you. There's nothing like it out there. It definitely is what will help people move the needle. It is sandwiching her greatest skill sets and my greatest skill sets. You know, she's a business strategist with also a lot of this kind of work under her belt. I am the person that helps you dig out all this stuff so you can stop the patterns and stop the sabotage and procrastination. But I'm also a business strategist, so we bring the best of both to the table.

So we were talking about this and there became a point in the conversation. In all her Enneagram six ways, she's kind of troubleshooting what problems might arise in doing this. And you know, if you love enneagram sixes or lead them, they have to talk everything out. And I love that about them. And it also, especially if I'm involved, can give me some kind of, I don't want to say anxiety, because it's not necessarily anxiety, but I can all of a sudden feel myself shutting down. Not because I'm bored, not because I don't believe in it, but because it's feeling very vulnerable. There's a lot of vulnerabilities in the troubleshooting process that kind of. Yeah, Eights don't like to be put in a vulnerable situation. That's why we go in hot to situations. That's why we don't always think things through and then end up in the shit show. Right. So her kind of doing that. I was just listening. I wasn't even saying anything, but I was shutting down energetically. And she has known me well enough, long enough, and well enough to know the lights are going out. And that's kind of what we call it Trace. The lights are going out. And most people can kind of feel that, but they don't necessarily know what's happening. You can be standing in front of front of an enneagram 8 and when they're done, they're done. And they can be smiling through it, they can be teaching you through it. But when they're done, they're done energetically. And because the energy of an Enneagram 8 is so powerful, especially a one on one Enneagram 8, which is what I am, it feels huge. And she's told me this before, thank goodness. So I am very aware of when this is happening and how that can impact impact to others.

So she let it go for a Little while. But then did circle back the next morning, the day that I was leaving. And I had a full.

Not, I want to say emotional breakdown. I mean that in the healthiest, most beautiful ways. It wasn't like I was losing my shit. It wasn't. It was very much like I let her see the vulnerable vulnerability in me more than anybody else sees. And I was able to articulate why that was happening. And I was so grateful that she circled back. But on the plane ride home, I was digging a little deeper with myself. You know, when you have a four hour flight, you got some time on your hands, right? And I was thinking back on all the times in my life. I've had mentors, coaches and therapists in my life, and there always comes this point where I feel like they're not pushing me as hard as I want them to, to take me to the next level. Now, part of that is me. Because an enneagram 8 unhealthy can be very aggressive and domineering and explosive. And for most people, they're like, yeah, peace out, girl scout, I'm done. Or it's very intimidating even. I mean, I've been through nine therapists and all, but the last one could not handle. Handle it. And, and that being said, when we get like that, it's a lot. But some of. I mean, I've worked with like the most incredible coaches and mentors in my life, and there always comes this point where there's a disengagement on their part, and I'm not judging them for this, but it comes with this energy disconnection that an 8 can have that says, I'm fucking done, Back off. Even if we're not even saying it. I do this to the people closest to me in my life. I've done it to my own children. I'm recognizing this. And it was on the airplane that I had this epiphany because I am very coaching coachable as long as I trust you. And. And I have had the best mentors and coaches that I trust with my life. But when I feel like the pressure coming, the disengagement happens and they bail.

Energetically, physically. And this allowed me to understand why I have not been able to be pushed by anybody to the brink. And so I called my best friend and I let her know this epiphany and she's like, I'll push you if you give me permission. And with so much love and reluctance and fear in my heart, I said, I. I promise you can push me no matter how I react or how I disengage. I know that I might come back at you and it may not feel good, but I'm asking you to please do this because it's the first time in my life I feel safe enough to say I need to be pushed. I know there's things that I'm doing that's holding myself back and these are like the blind spots of myself. And like I said, I am so self aware. I know my framework of all my 8 vibes and this was something that I wasn't ready for until now. And so here I am learning more about myself and that framework has allowed me to understand where it was all rooted. Right. When we know what motivates everything we do, we can kind of do the six degrees of separation to understand what the real thing was. Because I could have said, well, this sounds stupid. I could have projected, I could have not taken accountability. I could say all these coaches and mentors were shit. But I know that that's not true. I know that I'm the common denominator in that. And what is this about? You go to the root core, the root motive, the root fear of each enneagram type and if you're radically honest with yourself, you'll be able to, with love, compassion and honor, move through it. It doesn't mean it's comfortable. Really uncomfortable conversation that I said I had. I need her to push me. I need it. I don't like it, not even a little bit. I will bite her. I will bite my own children if I feel that that's just part of the nature of it. Does it have to happen? No. Part of me just saying it, even out loud to all of you, will keep me from doing it Right. So that had me thinking about all of you. Right. And what is your hidden struggle? And what might be having you play a little bit smaller that you're not even aware of. So I'm going to zip through these. Obviously it's one thing to understand it. I've been guiding people for close to a decade on this. So you might need a guide to help you really move faster through this. But by all means, you can take this journey and run with it. There's so much beauty in the discovery process, but if you're in crisis or you're tired of the same shit over and over, I'm going to tell you to go to Tracyomali.com right now. The work with me section, inquire about doing one on one coaching with me. We spend three months doing all of the Things I just did to myself on the airplane. Now imagine having access to that every single day. It's powerful. If you have questions about that, hit me up at tracyomalley on Instagram. Now, the hidden struggle for each of you based on your Enneagram type goes as such. We're going to start in the heart triad, the heart center of intelligence. You guys are motivated by a need for significance in some way or another. And the underlying emotion for you all the twos, threes and fours, is shame. The twos express their shame outwardly. The threes shut down the shame and try to bypass it. The fours internalize it. So for my Enneagram, twos, the helpers, how you play small is by suppressing your own needs. And you focus too much on the needs of others. Meanwhile, your resentment is kicking in by you not raising your hand and say I have needs. You will stay stuck in just the supporting role instead of living out what you're here to do. It doesn't mean that you say everybody else and you don't help them. But there is a fine line between serving from a place of no expectations and no significance from that versus you are giving to get something. So it's something to be aware of. The threes, the achievers on the Enneagram, it's hard to think that they would ever play small. But they do in a different kind of way. They do struggle with self doubt. They're constantly assessing if they're good enough because they're so motivated by what they do achieve. That's where they're worth, they believe subconsciously comes from. So when that self doubt and shame comes up, they push aside their feelings. And in doing that, they aren't as compassionate to other people's feelings and they can bulldoze through things to get to the goal because that's where they believe their worth is tied. The problem is, is when they get there, very rarely do they feel the fulfillment. They've left a little trail of wreckage behind them in their relationships and sometimes even their health. And this can end up paralyzing them. For my fours on the Enneagram, the beautiful romantic individualists.

They don't necessarily find themselves comparing completely to others, but they can. They do that from time to time, but they honestly have this compare. They compare themselves to a fantasy, fantasized version of their self. And so they think they're like com, continuously hopelessly flawed and that's where the envy can come in. And so they're, you know, if they only trusted their intuition, I mean, they do trust their intuition. And this is how sometimes, you know, the intuition can flow and move from thing to thing, and then there's nothing wrong with that. But because they think they're flawed, a lot of this stuff doesn't come to fruition, and they'll withdraw completely within themselves. And their beautiful gifts that they bring to the world, their creativity, their intuitive spirit, gets silenced, and none of us benefit from that. And then they don't get to shine their light. But when they actually can take some action, boy, you can see the confidence explode in them. And that's when we see the gifts of them come to the world. That's how they play small, though constant, believing that they're flawed. All right, we're going to move over to the head center of intelligence. These three, the Five, the Six, the Seven, they have a motivation and drive need for some kind of certainty, and how that gets expressed is very different. Their underlying emotion is fear and anxiety. The Fives internalize that. The Sixes can sometimes internal it. Internalize it, and most of the time can externalize it. The Sevens shut it down like the Threes shut down.

The shame. Now how the Fives can kind of play small is they will not ask for help. You know, they will kind of go down the. The black hole of Google and research.

To figure it out themselves instead of raising their hand and saying, hey, do you know this about this? Because that might expose their incompetence, which is like death to them in their. In their world sometimes. Or most importantly, this might put their independence at risk, like if they need to rely on somebody else for their information or wisdom that, you know, energetically, they. They like to work alone. So if they feel like they need to ask for help, that. That drain them energetically and that they're always constantly hoarding that energy. They want to make sure they are certain for.

Independence, for certainty that they are equipped and capable for anything that comes their way. That's why they kind of hoard their resources. So having, you know, reliable consultants, counsel for a Five that will help them feel things, not just analyze things will be key. I work with a lot of Fives because I respect their need for independence but also know how to push the Sixes. They need certainty for all things. You know, if you think to the front end of this episode with my friend, you know, her troubleshooting, you know, fire hosing, the troubleshooting things, it's important. But when they're kind of left to their own devices, how they can play small. And I've. I've seen my best friend do this is by ignoring their own intuition, by constantly assessing all the shit around them, right? You can troubleshoot till you're blue in the face. You can have 10 different worst case scenarios and if they are enough to rock the certainty of the six, they will become paralyzed or spin out or be hyper focused on things that don't matter necessarily. And then that actually creates more uncertainty. And that's where that fear and anxiety comes into play. So for my Sixes out there, you know, one of the things I'm constantly saying to my best friend and other Sixes that I care about and lead is what's the best that can happen? Let's. I love your, your troubleshooting. You've got the, the worst case scenario plans in place, no doubt about it. Let's focus on what's the best that can happen and how we can execute that. For my Sevens, you know, they need certain, they need certainty that they are not going to be stuck in anything. Not stuck without options, not stuck without fun, not without enthusiasm. They are the enthusiasts after all. So a lot of times Sevens will settle for things that give them excitement in the now, right? And versus what will give them the long, the joy long term. I see this happen a lot. They're like, you know, the shiny object syndrome. They, this allows them to feel like they have all this control and nothing can hold me back. Nothing can do that. And then they kind of miss the focus on what really gives them joy for that temporary kind of hit. And so a lot of times, you know, the Sevens are the master visionaries and innovators on the Enneagram. They like anything is possible in the mind of an enneagram 7. But because they're looking for instant gratification. The sad thing is, is sometimes a lot of that won't come to fruition. Their amazing ideas won't come and be birthed because they haven't built a container of solitude. Because if they're not healthy, that can feel very trapped. They can feel very trapped in that situation. So something for the Sevens to think about. All right. The last three in the body triad, you heard a lot about the eight at the front of this. We put on that protective armor. The. These three types, the eights, the nines and the ones make decisions based on, based on truth and justice. They all have a need for autonomy. It's like runs really strong in these three. And the underlying, underlying emotion for all three of these is anger. Now the eights are very external with that anger. They can be Very explosive. The nines shut it down completely, like the sevens do, and the threes do in their respective emotions, and the ones completely internalize it. Now, like I said with the eights, the thing that keeps us playing small is that protective armor. Like, you heard the story. I have played small for 49 freaking years in a lot of ways. And this epiphany that I discovered on that airplane, although it's scaring the shit out of me, it will be the very thing that will set me free. And so, for my fellow Enneagram eights out there, find one person, at least in your world, that you can share all the vulnerabilities with, and it's going to take you a while, and you're going to have to vet them and test them. And that's part of our demise, is testing people in a way that isn't healthy, but it's really, really important. The nines, you know, because they have this. They are seeking justice for the environment, and that means sometimes keeping all their thoughts, opinions, emotions, and ideas to themselves to avoid any and all conflict because they think of like that instead of, you know, their own kind of beautiful gifts. You know, I've said this before. Nines that are healthy, really, I. I've said this before. If. If Jesus or the divine or whatever you believe in of a higher power, I believe they are the nine on the Enneagram. And what happens is when a nine keeps all their thoughts, feelings, emotions to themselves. And. And I've worked with so many nines that don't even know what they believe anymore because they've spent so long suppressing it. When. When they do that, they also suppress their resentment. They can't access all these beautiful things. And so it takes some consistency and some willingness to use their voice sometimes for them to quit playing small. For my Enneagram ones, the reformers, the improvers, how they play small is their. Their gift is also their downfall. They have such high standards and high integrity. The high standards, though, in which they put on themselves.

Sometimes they're unrealistic. So they always believe they're coming up short. And because they will avoid criticism at all costs, a lot of the things, all their beauty, because of their high standards and high integrity, we need you Enneagram ones to step up and be willing to have some beautifully constructive criticism come your way so that you can make us all better. And so, you know, because the ones are so black and white, thinking, if it's not good, it's absolutely terrible, awful. They're like the devil if it's not right, it's absolutely, horribly wrong. So ones finding harmony in that gray area will allow you to stop playing small. We need you, please, all the Enneagram types, you know, I. I am making it the commitment to all my eightness that I will continue to put down the arm, especially with the six people most important to me. And you know, in this epiphany on the airplane, it around it allowed me to look at the six most important people in my life and see where I do it to them too. And I'm committed to breaking down the walls that are made of titanium and filling up the moat that I have surrounded around those walls to let these people help bring out the best in me. And I want that same for you. Now if you don't have those people in your life or you know, you do, but you know, everybody's got an agenda in some way subconsciously, you know, because we're all kind of protecting these. Having a guide take you through this is super powerful. I work one on one with people constantly as the safe place, as the one that sees all your blind spots and can hold space in ways that probably nobody else in your life can not. Because they're not equipped or capable, but they're little too close to the situation, right? So if you are wanting to know what this looks like, really, if you're really ready, if you are tired of the same, if you are tired of procrastinating, sabotaging, playing small, you know your gifts need to be shared in this world or in your homes. It's time to stop the go to tracyomalley.com go to the work with me section. This is not easy. It is an investment. But it is one that you will take with you the rest of your life. Not just in your business and not just in your homes, but everything you touch also. You know, I mentioned that me and that best friend of mine who many of you know are really putting this thing together we've been talking about. And imagine having the best business strategist in the world and the best emotional intelligence strategist in the world working together, sandwiching you to help you stop all the things that is coming soon. I would love any feedback or suggestions you might have. You can hit me up at Tracy Underscore o' Malley on Instagram. And if you loved this episode or got a lot out of this episode, it would mean a lot for me if you shared this, shared this with people you care about, share it with your networks. This is some of the most important work you'll ever do to bring your beautiful work, your calling on your life, your vision, your passion to your homes and into the world. And it would be my honor to take you through the journey. I'm excited about where I'm going and I'm even more excited about where you're headed too. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tag me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.