156: Client Spotlight: Austin—The Powerful AND Sensitive Enneagram 8

Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance Coach and mom to Millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Two things are required for you to achieve the success you desire and deserve. A profitable business strategy that feels good to you and your ideal clients and a deep awareness and healing work around your money blocks and self sabotaging behaviors, thoughts and beliefs. The problem is 99% of you feel spun out, confused and frustrated because you don't have absolute clarity in your business or within yourself. You're constantly being inundated with information from the online gurus and the countless program courses and masterminds you may have attended. Although you may get a short term motivation bump, you end up remaining confused as ever without any major progress or profits in your business. That can end today. But it's up to you. I've put together a one of a kind program that you will not see anywhere else in the coaching industry. My best friend and top business coach Tiffany Carter and I have partnered up to bring you a six week live intensive program including both group and private coaching designed to get your mind and strategy clear so you can finally cash in on your vision. Think Mastermind with a one on one component. It's appropriately called let's get down to Business and we are only taking 25 people and spoiler alert, a few of those spots have already been swiped up in order to secure your spot. Plus the early bird pricing of $1,000 off, you must be on our VIP wait list. If you know you want in, secure your spot with a refundable deposit. If you want to risk not getting in, sign up for a regular wait list and be the first to hear when the cart does open. Go to projectmewithtiffany.com getdown waitlist. The link is also in my bio on Instagram. Let's get down to business together in 2021.

All right all you nef fans out there. So one of the number one things that I get asked about when I'm working with Somebody is, I want my husband, I want my wife to be typed by you. I want them to work with you. And the very first thing I always say is, like, well, no shit, of course you do, because it's awesome. And if you kind of come in hot with this information, you're going to ruin any chance you have of that actually happening. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Nobody. I don't know anybody that really enjoys that very, very much. And what I have told people that work with me that are married or in serious relationships say, just walk your talk, you know, you don't have to scream from the rooftops what you're doing. You know, that's the thing that happens when we start learning this Enneagram lingo and we understand the power of the framework and, and when we move the needle for ourselves, it's not that we want to change anybody else or manipulate anybody else, but we want them to feel and experience what we are when we aha. Moments. And we understand how the power of this framework can actually move the needle in our lives, in business, in relationships, in marriages and parenting, spiritual health, you name it. There's nothing the Enneagram can't help with. And it was, gosh, last summer I got a message from this beautiful, beautiful woman inquiring about working with me. And I remember I was sitting at the base of a mountain in my truck when we had the call. And she was telling me the areas in her life, you know, obviously business. She's high level network, network marketer, has a super successful business. And she mentioned her husband and she's a mom of four, eight and under. And she was all in. She was all in. And she's a go getter. She's a seven on the Enneagram and just fired up, you know. And so we started working together and very quickly, you know, I think sometimes people think they're going to get one thing, which is what I want. I want you to think you're getting something, but then I actually give you what you need through talking to you and feeling your energy and with her. And she's been on our, our podcast before. If you want to go, go back and listen to her episode. It's Monique. She's the enneagram 7. A couple, maybe few episodes back, I remember when we were getting off, maybe our first or second call, I told her how proud I was of her and that I loved her. And I really mean that when I say that. I don't throw that around lightly. And I remember when we hopped on our next call, she was telling me what her husband had said. He kind of was eavesdropping. Not really, but kind of was like, who are you just talking to? He's like, is that your coach? And you're talking about like, she loves you. And he also started to notice just how she was walking differently, talking differently, and her whole energy was shifting in a positive way, business wise in their marriage. And as the mom and he started, I remember she would come on and she's like, Austin's asking questions. He's asking lots of questions. And that's what this can do. If you kind of take control of your own journey and your own responsibility in how you show up in the world, you know, those that are closest to you will start to notice. Not always going to be receptive. Like this beautiful man that I'm about to share with you is. Sometimes it rocks the boat in a way that isn't necessarily the way that you want it, but that's what's required for change to happen, right? And I remember, I can't remember how. When did we start working together, Austin?

Last summer? Wasn't it last summer? Or was it how might have been on a mouth?

I think we were about a month and a half in, Monique and I, when all of a sudden Austin, his scheduling came through and I was like, oh, buckle up, here we go. And I heard enough about him to kind of have an idea of possibly what type he was on the Enneagram. And sure enough, I met my match with Austin and he is an enneagram 8. And I remember, like, I could see, like there's something about an 8. For those of you that love or lead one, you can feel their energy. Even when we're smiling at you, we have an intensity that is unmatched. And I felt that from him. And I also felt a lot of pain because I know that pain very, very well that he was feeling, but such a hunger to make some changes. He was in a job that he couldn't stand, even though it was what kept food on the table and all of that. He is the head of his household. He wanted to be a supportive husband to his wife. He could tell when he talked to his children sometimes the way that he would deliver the message wasn't landing the way intended. And you know, if any of you parents are out there, especially fathers, I highly, highly encourage you to bookmark this episode and listen because it's going to be really powerful for you. And so for a good maybe five, six months, Austin and I met And. And he raised his hand and was willing. I don't know if he was super receptive. Like a man and an eight. My goodness. Do they have to vet somebody before they'll trust them? Like a man talking to a woman and an eight talking to a woman. Like, I knew that for him to do this with me meant I had a big responsibility to honor him, because I don't take that lightly. I don't. And I wanted to make sure I could help him in the ways that he was asking for. He didn't always like me very much.

But I took great pride in working with this beautiful man and father and husband and business owner. And you guys are in for a treat as we, Austin and I, chat about what it's like to be an Enneagram 8 and an Enneagram 8 man. Lots of you ladies out there are involved in relationships with enneagram8men. I hear you. And I know that we're a lot. And we're a lot of good, and we can be a lot to handle. So, Austin, thanks for being here.

Absolutely. It's an honor to be here. Thank you for having me.

I gotta say. We hopped on and we Talked for about 15 minutes before I hit record. And like I said, about an 8 or energy is so big and powerful. And he lit up my computer screen with just joy. I could feel, like, the power and strength which we as eights absolutely love to have, but pure joy and vulnerability. And we're going to talk a lot about vulnerability in a few minutes. But it's so great to see him not just understanding the information we talked about, but integrating it and how the tides have changed pretty drastically in their household since we last spoke. So what was it in Monique that you started to notice and were curious and was like, well, there's something to this, clearly. Maybe I should figure out what's going on. Was it to make sure she wasn't being guided in the wrong direction, or was it because you saw something in her that you wanted or both?

It was twofold. So the first part was I saw a change in her pretty quick. You know, she jumped in the deep end with you and really embraced the coaching and the way she was communicating with me and the way she was communicating with the kids and the way she was communicating with the coaches on our team, that changed pretty quick. She started to implement the work that you guys were doing early on. So that was the first part. I was like, okay, so this is working for her, and she's starting to implement this quickly. There's something to this. The second part was she started typing.

Me.

Yeah. She knew she wasn't supposed to. She's a seven. She doesn't always follow the rules. So for a week, about a week, I was a one. Another week I was a three. Then I was an eight. And so those two things combined, I was like, well, I need to find out which one I am. And what she's doing with Traci is working really well. So I wanted to take a look at it.

Was there ever a moment? Because I see this a lot in couples, and it's not always the woman. Like, sometimes it's reversed, that we start on this journey of personal growth, personal development, and we realize our spouse, our partner isn't doing the work. Like, at least at the pace that we're doing, or they're on a different journey. Did you ever have this fear that if you don't explore this, she might leave you behind? Not like in the marriage, like, leave you, but, like, she's going to outgrow me at some point. Did you ever fear that? Because I know that's a big concern of a lot of people.

And we both went through stages of that. So when I had worked with someone prior to you, she saw that and saw where I was growing and reached out to you. And then as I saw her working with you and I saw where she was going, I wanted to stay on the same frequency and us to stay on the same page. And I realized that where she was going with you was going to outgrow where I currently was, because I wasn't really doing that much work. And I thought, like, you know what? For us to be in the best marriage, the best parents, running the business together in the most effective way, let's do this together.

Oh, I love that you said that. And if you are in a partnership marriage, anything like that, it's not a contest at all. It's like, we want to grow together. So that means there are going to be times where one of us has to step it up a little bit faster, harder than the other, and it's going to change throughout. You guys have been married, what, like 10 years? Close to it, yeah. Close to it, yeah. And, you know, part of the story, which I know you don't mind me sharing, because you guys both publicly talk about this. They met in recovery early on. Early. Early on in recovery, which is a little taboo, I gotta say. And, you know, like you said, she' had more relapses than you. I don't think you relapsed once, you kind of went in where you've been ahead of her in the recovery aspect, too. And, you know, this can be very humbling, and it can take marriages out. I see it happen all the time when one is outpacing the other, and sometimes not just outpacing each other, but to go with what I said at the beginning, you know, it's better to lead by example than to lead by dictatorship. You know? And if Monique had come in and said, even though she was sort of breaking the rules by typing you and doing all that shit, which, if you're listening, stop it, okay? It doesn't serve you well, and it's amazing that you were even open to doing this when she was kind of doing that. But I love that you guys, and you, especially as an 8, we don't like to feel vulnerable, right? We don't like to be. We don't like to be in a position where we might be betrayed, violated, or put in a vulnerable situation. And Monique actually reaching out to me and growing and then doing the work put you in a vulnerable situation. And. And when an 8 is unhealthy and feels like that's where we can kind of attack. Did you ever have that moment where you tried to, like, knock her off that pedestal, even though she wasn't boasting or anything? Did you ever catch yourself kind of, like, trying to dim her light?

I did, and it was in the relationship with our children, because I saw the communication between the kids and Monique and where the relationship was growing and how safe and open they were with her and not as much with me, and it hurt.

And so, you know, there was a time, and it might have. It probably happened more than once, but I distinctly remember a time where I'm like, you know, who do you think you are? Do you think you're the super parent that, you know, you're just going to control the kids and, you know, you think you have this awesome relationship. And basically it was me hurting because I wasn't effectively communicating with my children and leading them in the right way to have that open relationship where they felt they could come to me. And she really was so. She was not doing anything wrong. She was bettering the relationship with our children, which is awesome. But I came in and dimmed her life.

Thank you for being so real about that. You know, I have done that in my past, for sure. We're human, and what a beautiful catalyst for growth. And I'm grateful that she had started this work and maybe didn't engage like she Might have. Right, Right. So for all of you guys listening, you've heard me say that, like, these online assessments are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. And when you have a spouse, partner, friend who is an enneagram junkie, start trying to type, you can get very confusing. And Austin, in his original assessment, actually did Type as a 3. And that's the crazy thing about these assessments is depending on where we're at in life or what we're kind of focused on when we compartmentalize our. You know, I knew that he was at a crossroads in his business and not wanting to be in the career that he was, so. And I mistyped as a 3 as well. Like, we have the same top two scores. It was 38 for me as well. And it's because of where I was in my life. And he is absolutely not even remotely a three. Not even a little bit.

You can have those behaviors for sure. Like, I can when our back's up against the wall. But day to day, in and out, you are an eight. So what did that information give you? When we came to the conclusion, yes, I'm an eight, I am a challeng. I got some stuff. What was the biggest, like, where you could exhale moment? Like, oh, my God, this makes so much sense and I don't have to continue fighting this fight the way I have been.

When I found out and then started to work with you and understand what are the characteristics of an ape, I breathed, you know, it was. It was a relief to know, okay, I'm not weird. This is just how I am, you know, and I got to understand myself better and, you know, realizing how independent and that I didn't want to be controlled and starting to understand where I would go and stress and when I was unhealthy. And really a huge breakthrough for me was understanding that I longed for connection and that I was an empathetic person. And there were times in my life where that showed up and realizing that I also have a big wall that's up and I want to look strong and that nothing's going to bother me. And then I got this on my own. You know, in reality, I want to empower other people. I want to be there and connect with them and have those relationships. But if I have this wall up all the time and I'm not approachable and I'm not open to that, it's like the dichotomy of an 8 is the way I looked at it and just starting to understand myself better and then being Able to understand other people better and how I can effectively communicate and build relationships with them and knowing where I'm at and where they're at.

One of the things that you said was when you learned about the eight and like, ah, there's nothing wrong with me. This is just the way that I am. Absolutely. And the beautiful part about this is none of us have to change our true essence and our soul's calling. We don't. However, some altering of the expression of it is required because had I learned about the enneagram maybe a year or two before I was introduced to it, I would have used that as permission to be a total fucking asshole. And because that's how eights can be. And we're just powerful and domineering and that's just the way I am. But that's act. That's not what how we use this. This is not how we use this in integrity. It's not how you used it. So when you understood this is who I am, what parts of the expression of who you were needed to change immediately and what actions did you take right away, specifically as a dad? Let's talk about that. Because I know I have a lot of parents that listen how I was.

Domineering and the intensity I showed up with.

With the kids, especially my older son.

And he has four kids, an eight year old son. The twins are how old?

Six.

And the baby's two.

He'll be two soon.

Wow. So he's got a lot, a lot of leading to do in this household. Okay, so how did it show up that domineering with your kids? What effect do you think that that had on them at the time?

It showed up where I would raise my voice a lot and it was more controlling of, here's how I'm going to run the house, here's how things are going to be. And they didn't respond well to that. They weren't open to speaking to me and letting their heart out and felt safe with me and comfortable talking to me and, you know, realizing that, hey, these relationships aren't where I want them to be and it's because of the way that I'm communicating with them. And you know, I, I could easily say, well, that's just how I am. I'm going to make them tough. You know, they're going to grow up this way. But in reality, that's not what's best for them. They need to be loved and supported and felt understood and feel free to come to me as a father as a safe place and that wasn't happening. And it hit me right in the mouth. It was hard because I didn't want to be that dad, and I didn't want the kids to feel that way.

One of the things about the eight that has been, you know, with great reward comes great responsibility. And the Superpower of the 8 is our intensity, Especially when it's coming from love, compassion, empathy, service, grace. Like when our intensity is coming from that place, it is a superpower that makes people feel completely safe, protected, like they have somebody that completely has their back, that if anything goes sideways, it'll be handled. Is our superpower. Now, that same intensity, when it's coming from fear, insecurity, doubt, ego, shame, whatever that is, it can be a wrecking ball in our life. And the thing about the eight, my best friend says this to me all the time, and I know this through you because, you know, I get you. She said that you are the loudest, quiet person I've ever met, Meaning our intensity, even without saying a word, speaks so loudly. And as a parent, I have seen how that plays in my household, too. I've got a sensitive son that does not operate like I do. I know you do, too. And to see even just my energy diminish his spirit was heartbreaking to me. And I know that with your oldest, this is something that you've had to be very mindful of. And for all my fellow eights out there and anybody out there, you have an energy that doesn't lie. And we can be smiling through it. We can be doing all the things kids pick up on this, no matter their ages. And I know that you being very well aware that your intense energy without you saying a word, can have an effect on the other five people in your household. How have you really articulated that? So when I am going to, like, the dark side of, like, I call it the five cave, where I'm shutting off energetically. And the other thing about an 8 is when. When we do disengage, even if we're sitting right in front of you smiling, when we are done, we are done. And what I've been told is because our energy is so big that when we disengage energetically, even when we're right in front of you, it can feel like a void the size of the Grand Canyon. And when we are talking about those that we love so much and lead, it can feel very abandoning. How have you navigated when Austin needs to disengage and articulated that to Monique and maybe even the kids that it's not personal. I need to kind of go get my shit together without crushing their spirit. How do you navigate that? It's a challenge for us, for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. I think with Monique, she can pick up on it sometimes as it's happening in the moment. She knows me so well, and she's like, you're shutting down. And that's something that I actually was blind to is I knew I had the intensity, but I didn't realize how much it affected other people and how they picked up on it.

Yeah.

And how they could just, you know, completely feel it when I was in the room and the impact that it can make.

Sometimes even before we enter a room, people know something's coming and it's us. It's an eight for sure. Yeah. So when she would say, because in the past, if somebody had said to me, you're shutting down, I'd want to flex my big old, tough, strong ass 8 muscle and be like, fuck you. No, I'm not. You don't know me. But now I'm like, yeah, you're absolutely right. And it's so not personal. How do you. How did you navigate that? When she called it out, was it calling out in love love, or was she judging in your mind?

It was in love.

Yeah.

That actually went really well. And looking back on, it's kind of surprising that it did go so well because she would say it and I. And it's like, yeah, I am like, I mean, I'm just gonna step away from the situation, whether, you know, go outside, go work out whatever it may be, just to breathe a little bit, and we'll reconvene later, you know, whatever the topic of conversation might be, and just get a little space with the kids. It at times was more difficult. You know, I had to realize, you know, whether we were something the principal or something I was explaining to them, or if it was any type of discipline or something like that, that, hey, you know, they've got your point here, or, you know, they understand where you're going, like, there's no need to keep going here. It was similar in the way I needed to just move away from it and say, hey, we'll talk about this later. Because it wasn't going anywhere that was going to be productive for anybody.

Right. One of the things that I know you and I talked a lot about was being effective versus being right. And when we're flexing our I am strong muscles, sometimes we can pulverize a situation. People not necessarily meaning to, but when we're in that moment, it can be challenging if we're kind of just reactionary. And I know you have worked really hard, like, okay, do I want to be effective right now or do I want to be right? And sometimes that means saying a lot less than maybe you and I would have in the past. Let's talk business. Because it's so funny, both of you came to me to kind of talk shop, which happens all the time. And it quickly turned into, oh my gosh, like we have all the skillset and all the strategies to crush our business. And for you to even walk away from the career that you had, like you had all the skill sets, strategy, grit, resilience, tenacity, you guys had all that. It was kind of like this soul journey that you both needed and it has allowed you to, you know, more than 2x your business. Monique was running the network marketing business. You were helping in the pockets of your days and in your weekends while you were still working a full time job, a very high level job job. And I remember when you came to me, you said, I want to leave this job. And I know how scary that can be and how exciting it can be. So what was the process for you when we were working together, how you plan to integrate a lot of what we were doing into making that transition out of corporate America and into being a full time partner with your wife and full time dad and full time husband.

It was really working on.

Leading myself first and being better in the relationships that I had at home in my marriage with the kids. And we got more on the same page there and it translating to the business and how we're leading others in the business and really just learning about where my strengths lie and being able to.

Move from a place. When I was in corporate America, it was something where it was hustle, hustle, hustle. And it wasn't about the people, it wasn't about the connection, it wasn't about the things that I really wanted in my life where I felt alive and realizing that with what we do, that's where I am going to come alive. So, okay, so I understand that part now. How do we actually build the business to get to the place where we can do that? Well, it was connecting with the people, leading our team and when they saw what we were doing and how we were showing up differently the way our business was going, it led them to pick it up, so to speak, and to be motivated, like, you know what, I can do this too. And they started to have more belief in themselves, which was really cool. And leaders started to sprout up within the team. And it was, you know, it was very organic. I would say, just by the process we went through to where it led into how we were running our organization.

So it was about six weeks ago that you left Corporate America and came home full time to build this business with her. And something that you said before we hit record was really, really powerful. That you know, some of your old patterns and like the rigidity that an 8 can have sometimes impro that we've got things under control were happening right away. And thankfully your awareness is so strong you pulled out of that and use this. You don't have to punish yourself and keep doing things a certain way. You walked into this freedom and worked hard for this freedom. You also said this was a very humbling time for you. Even though it was the exact thing that you wanted and the joy and energy coming out of you is definitely this was the right decision for you. What was so humbling about this process that in the past you probably would have just flexed some more strong muscles and you probably would have tried to come home and tell Monique how to do this shit in the past. Right? Is this where the humble part really kicked into gear for you?

It did.

Because she had been in the business longer than I had. I was doing it as much as I could while working a full time job. But there were skill sets and leadership points where she was ahead of where I was. And it was humbling when I was involved in a day in and day out basis on the zooms with the team in different text threads and you know, going through different trainings realizing, hey, I have a lot to learn, I have a long way to go and damn, my wife's really good at this. And so there's two ways to go about it. You know, she's very different than I am as far as structure and how we go about our days and things like that. But she has unique gifts that I don't have and she can operate in a different way than I can and be effective in that way. So really just promoting and encouraging her to keep, you know, keep doing what's working for her and pointing out her strengths and just being honest about like, hey, I see where you're really good here. I know I'm going to have to improve in this area, you know, because I came from a job that, you know, I pretty much mastered. So I knew what I was doing day in and day out, out. And then walking into something ended up being my wife where she's Further down the path than I am. You know, that could have been very easy for me to come in and try to set a schedule and do it like corporate America and these things. But she had a lot, a lot of it was already a well oiled machine. And so I had to understand how I fit in and how we work together and also where I was and where she was in the business.

What I love about a seven and an eight in relationship, my daughter's a seven two. And she's my greatest teacher. And ironically, as an eight, you have the ability to use that seven wing. But you and I did not flex that one very, very much most of our life, I would say, unless we were drinking, right? That's when my 7 Wing came out. But it was not the healthiest of ways. But I think, you know, because we're so different from a seven, we really, really are. But you know, we have access to that wing. And when we humble ourselves enough to learn from an enneagram7, they also are more receptive to learn from us because we can be their wing too. The seven has an eight wing. And I think that's where that mutual respect really comes into play. My daughter don't even know how she functions. Monique, no idea how she functions either. Yet they both teach me something. Monique taught me a lot in our time together. And I know that your humility has allowed me. Allowed not only you to learn from her, but her to be more open that. Hey. And she said this so often, like she loves you so freaking much and she respects the shit out of you. But because of your humility, it opened up her heart and her mind and her own vulnerability to learn from you as well. And that's why you guys are crushing it and doing well. Not just crushing it, numbers wise, which that's great, but the leadership that will really leverage your legacy that you guys leave behind is really where it's at. And if it was like this power struggle between the two of you, there's no way you might have temporary success, but you wouldn't have a legacy kind of business, which you guys are building. So our, you know, we talked about the stress number which is like that five cave, right? The five kind or the eight kind of goes into that unhealthy investigator when we are under extreme stress. We. We know that one. But like you said earlier, like eights really, really are some of the most sensitive on the Enneagram. And we do crave connection. Connection probably almost more than anyone on the Enneagram. You wouldn't Know it a lot of times by how we show up in the world, but because we're always, like, putting up the walls and protecting, we end up robbing ourselves of the very thing we want, which is connection, even with those that we love and live with. Sometimes I know that I blocked my own children from that part of me. So the eight goes to the healthy two when we're growing. And compassion and empathy does not come natural to an 8, not even a little bit. And because we're so protecting ourselves at all costs, even when we start to feel the feels. Think of the Grinch. Remember the Grinch when he started to, like, have his heart open up and grow? Like, I bet the Grinch was probably an 8. And, you know, he craved the connection, but, you know, he was like, no, no, no, no, no. It's kind of like what we do. And I know for me that if I'm left to my own eight tools, there's no way in hell I'm ever going to move into the healthy two because all my walls will come up. So how do you use your nine wing and your seven wing to talk to your eight and say, hey, listen, listen, you need to lighten up here and lean into your heart space a little bit to move into that healthy two, because the eight by itself won't. It won't happen. How do you utilize your wings today to help you lean into that compassionate helper, father, husband, leader?

So the seven wing is my onesie pajama wink. And I call it that because when my daughter had her sixth birthday party, she had a sleepover with all her friends, and they had. We got the matching onesie pajamas. Well, I had one in the drawer from Halloween or sometime. So I decided to put it on and have fun with them and dance. They're having fun having dance party and doing stuff. And I got involved in that and talk about lowering my guard and just having fun and not having to have the wall up and, you know, be so serious. And, you know, the energy that I had from that. So that's, you know, when I'm with the kids and when Monique and I have alone time, you know, I can let my wall down and I can have fun. And I think, you know, that's the moment that stood out to me is like, you know, I can. I. This is part of who I am. If I tap into it. And this can lead to a lot of joy and fun with the family. It makes me feel good, too.

Right?

And then with the nine, you know, that's more of The. The Yoda, serene and present and realizing focus on the one. The one person I'm talking to be in the moment. Don't be thinking ahead, don't be making these plans, don't be strategizing, you know, which is very common for me to do. You know, as far as instinctive, the eight's very instinctive. Right. So I think that also goes into our intuition as well, somewhat, and being able to be there for people and slowing down a little bit in the nine wing. And I think when I can go to those places, it's moving me closer to where I can completely open up my heart and be more empathetic and compassionate. And I also have to look at the times in my life when the biggest influence was had on me. It's when other people were being compassionate and empathetic for the situations I was in and realizing if I'm going to lead people and I'm going to have an impact on their life, whether it be my kids, my wife, or a business, being able to be at a spot like that where they're willing to feel comfortable enough with me and feel understood to where they're going to open up and we can have real dialogue and conversations.

Yeah, I've noticed that when I use the seven wing and I loosen up a little bit or even like you said about the nine, that builds credibility and trust with people because they feel that especially when an 8 decides to do that, our energy doesn't lie. And I think we're able to make people feel connected to us a lot faster than we even think we had to. To do before. And it. And it does feel good, doesn't it? It is scary sometimes though, right?

It is. Because am I going to look weak right when I do that? You know?

Yeah.

Because I'm supposed to be strong and have it all together. That's. That's what the eight tells me. That's who I am when I'm going to those places. Am I keeping up this front of being strong and having it all together, when in reality it's the healthiest thing I can be doing.

Right. And I wanted to take this into the blind spot of an 8 and it's this vulnerability piece. And you and I talked a lot about it and it kind of goes off, what you just said, that when we do let our guard down and have compassion and empathy, there's this fine line. This is where we can get a little tricky if we're not careful because we've gotten a taste of what that feels like. Right.

Right.

And it does feel good. And if we've done some work, we know the power of vulnerability with people. And.

This was a huge aha. Moment for you. When I did a podcast episode on this, this was the most eye openening thing for me. And this is what moved the needle at such a rapid pace for me. And it also made me realize where I still had a hell of a lot of work to do was around vulnerability. Because if you guys, I want you to follow Austin, he's one of the best storytellers and writers that I have seen. He's very transparent and open about his whole journey of recovery, not just from drugs, alcohol, also eating disorders and his role as a father. I mean, he shares all of it and he's a great writer and I know he gets a lot of feedback on that. And I share a lot of my story as well. And one of the number one things people say to you is, oh my gosh, you are so vulnerable. And you and I both had a little chuckle about that. So your biggest aha. Blind spot moment that we have to watch as eights is what in regards to vulnerability.

My story telling my story is not being vulnerable. I've already overcome that. It's easy for me to talk about where I was, what I did, and where I am now because I'm on the other side of it. And so I look strong at this point. Point, you know, because I, you know, I overcame these very hard things, which they are hard, but at the point that I'm telling that story, I'm on the other side of it well.

And I gotta say, like, we come by this innocently because I was telling my story too, and I was like, oh, my gosh, everybody tell me how strong I am. Which is like, crack to the eight, right? We're like, oh, shit, we're just going to keep doing more of that. Not even realizing that that actually isn't real vulnerability as just storytelling, it's powerful, it's effective, it's helpful. We're not trying to manipulate. But now you know that, like. Yeah, when I'm on the other side of this, I didn't need any of you to help me through this. So what have you learned about vulnerability in the last, like, six to eight months, would you say?

Yeah, and one other thing about that, My intent with the storytelling, as is yours or anybody else's, for the most part, is to show people there is a way out out. You know, show people what's possible. Inspire people to improve where they are in their life. So the intense good. What I learned about vulnerability, it's raising your hand in the moment, not after the events have occurred and you've overcome it. It's while you're in the middle of it. Yeah. Which we were talking before this. I can count on one hand, and it's a lot less than 5. How many times I had been willing to do that my life. And the first time, it was because I was about to die from my addiction.

Addiction. Right.

You know, so that. That speaks to how hard it can be to be vulnerable in the moment and raise your hand. And I've also found that the further along I've gotten and more, quote, unquote, success that I've had as far as whether it be financially or marriage, family, things like that, and further on down the road I've gotten from where I was at rock bottom, it sometimes gets even harder to raise your hand. It.

Oh, my God. It does. It absolutely does. Because we have more to lose. When our back was up against the wall and we were at rock bottom, nobody really expected much of us anyway, so anything above where we was was strong. So we're, like, cool. But you're 1,000% right. Especially for an 8. We have a hell of a lot more to lose now. We have more eyes on us. A lot further to fall, so to speak. I applaud you for continuously leaning into it. I know when I did that episode, you texted me right away, you're like, well, shit. I'm like, I know, I know. And I really didn't have such an aha moment about that. And I've been at this 20 years of, like, really deep diving. It wasn't until about three years ago that I really understood that even though us sharing like we were and have been was way bigger vulnerability than we'd ever done before, it still wasn't true vulnerability. And it wasn't until about three years ago that I understood that fully. When I was in the middle of so much and having to raise my hand and I didn't have to, but I wanted to because that creates intimacy with people. And the other thing that I've realized as an aide, it's. It makes us feel really good when people lean into us, and we can, you know, be the rock for people. That's kind of our sweet spot. We. We can do it, and we're great at it, and it does make people feel good, but we also rob people of that when we hold back our own vulnerability and say, I need you right now. And, you know, in this epiphany I don't know if you've experienced it probably with Monique the most. When I started leaning into and I have like six people in my life, that's it that will ever get any of this and that's enough, right? But when I started shifting and asking them about that, they're like, I've been waiting for this day. For 15 years. I've been waiting for you to lean into me. I've been here and it's it. And they were honest. They're like, it felt hurtful that you didn't trust me enough to lean in. I was like, well, shit, okay, I get that. Why do you believe that somebody listening right now who, whether they're a father, a mother, a business leader should really inquire about kind of this work.

First.

So you can understand yourself better. And I don't know how many spots you have available, so I don't know what this impact is going to have, but I think getting typed is great. But that's entry level. You can get a book, you can do some reading on your own. But with really working with an expert like you who has a thorough, thorough understanding of this and is an extremely high level coach to walk through this with someone, that's where people are going to get the most value. It will be helpful understanding yourself and that can lead to relationships, family, business, children. It can do some good. But I think if you know, to maximize that experience, working with you was the game changer there. Because I know if I just would have been typed, I probably would have read some of the books. I would have communicated a little with Monique. Would it have lasted? Would I have integrated that information on a long term basis to make changes in my life? Probably not for me. But actually diving in with you and going to some hard places and realizing some hard things, being willing to do that, that made a huge difference.

You've been absolutely one of my all time favorite, favorite people to work with because of your willingness and trust in me to take you there. I know how hard that is. And to see like I literally could start crying right now just thinking about where your family's life is today and where you were a year ago. It looked very, very different to know that you both are bringing the best out in each other for your businesses and for those beautiful kids of yours and for the legacy that you are leaving behind that makes all of this worth it. Even when you were frustrated with me and mad at me and all of that, I do have some spots left. If this is a journey that you do want to take, by all means, reach out to me on Instagram, tracee, underscore, o', Malley, or go to the website traceyomally.com, the work with me section to find out more. I don't have many spots because, you know, everybody's kind of realizing, you know what, we can have all the strategy in the world and all the information in the world. And yes, being typed properly is entry level, but information doesn't equal transformation. It's the integration of it. And you, my dear, are such a beautiful example of when we do integrate all of this into our life, we are able to have everything that we desire. It doesn't mean it happens overnight. It doesn't mean that life's not going to kick us in the teeth from time to time. But it feels so good to see your smile and not just know that it's a smile, but like it's oozing out of you. So I so appreciate you. Just bless the socks off so many people people today.

Well, thank you. It's an honor to be on here with you and you've done so much for me and our family. I can't thank you enough.

Oh, it's my pleasure. You guys do the work, do the work. It's worth it. It's hard. It was a lot easier not knowing this shit, but it created a lot of chaos in my life and Austin's life. And it's the time is now. If you're listening to this, this is a sign. It's time to raise your hand and say, you know what. What? I need help too. And I'm here for you and I'd be honored to take you on that journey. And until next time, here's to becoming bulletproof.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.