20: EnneaTalk Tuesday 101 — Answers to your Enneagram Questions!

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author.

Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur.

And master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building.

A bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in.

The ass, you will discover that here.

Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof.

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I am answering your questions that have come in about all things the Enneagram. And we've got a whole different, like, range of questions. Some are personal, some are.

Relationships, some are parenting, some are business. So we're going to dive right in. I've got a bunch of them so I can keep this short enough, maybe I'll save some of them for the next time. And you know, I know that many of you have explored the Enneagram and a lot of you are confused, which is very common. And it's a big reason why I'm so passionate about it. Because sometimes the wrong information is almost worse than if you had none. Right? Because it gets more confusing, sends you down a rabbit hole, all the things, right? And so if you are wanting to explore the Enneagram deeper, one of my favorite things to do is to do a typing session with you. And I have you take a test that I get the results from for, and then we deep dive in for an hour and 10 minutes and talk about what that means for you. And I give you lots of good tips at the end of it. So if that's something you want to do, check out traceyomalley.com at work with me.

And we can even explore it deeper. So it's really, really, really, really, really, really fun and helpful. It's amazing what just a little bit of proper, correct information and a little guiding can do for your life. So definitely something you will want to check out. So we're going to go right into the Q and A. And these have all come in through my Instagrams. I was asking you guys what you wanted to know and so we're just gonna dive right in. All right, question one. I took the test three times and each time it's different. You know, how many times? I hear that all the time. So that's common. These tests are a great start. I love that they're there because they're a great start. Now I'm gonna tell you right now, don't live or die by the results, right? A lot of times they're inaccurate. You've heard me say this on the podcast before on my Instagram stories. There's a lot of reasons why this happens. And if you haven't listened to the Ms. Typing episode, go listen to that. It's a feedback. So there's a few reasons why you get different answers. You know, you may be answering how you're feeling today. You might be answering how you were as a child. You might be answering a combination of all of it, right? And you might be answering based on behaviors rather than motivation. If you are definitely enneagram savvy and you are falling in love with a certain type, like you want to be that type. I mean, trust me, I can be manipulative if I want to and know how to answer the questions based on that type if I really, really wanted to. That happens. Believe it or not.

Trauma, past trauma. Because we go into certain coping mechanisms. This is honestly the number one reason why I think people get different answers. And a lot of times the results you get isn't actually your type. It is more of either a wing or where you go in stress most often. Not always, but most often. So what I will tell you if you are going to get explore this on your own and taking the test is really look at maybe your three scores and then this only works as honest as you are with yourself. And look at the motivations, not the behaviors. Because I'm here to tell you, you can have a 6 and an 8 right next to each other and their behaviors will look identical but the come from and the motivation is completely, completely different. And so I want you to really look at the motives, the motivation, the underlying feeling. Whether it's anger, shame or fear. There's all these different components. And if you're really, really stuck, just book a session with me. It'll take all the guessing out of it and will actually like you'll have so many aha moments it will blow your mind. But only use the test as beginning point because this actually is a self exploration process. And even me working it with you, it's. It's me helping you self discover, right? And that's why sometimes a guide is really, really great. Especially if you have a lot of trauma in your life. All right, next question. I love this one. I am a nine. Suggestions on how to deal with a two husbands. A two husband. She only has one husband.

He drives me nuts all the time with his valid. With all the validation he needs. Well.

I'm going to give you a little advice right now. If you love somebody, you want to speak their love language. If you care about somebody, you want to be effective in how you communicate. If you care about somebody, you want how you feel in your heart to translate into things theirs. I get it. There are some of these things that can be a little.

Annoying from time to time. But I will tell you this. With A2, when A2 is needing validation.

It means he is probably an over giver in a lot of ways. Or he may not be a two.

Because usually.

You know, twos really don't care about their own validation so much because they're so busy validating everybody else and taking care of everybody else. But because you're his wife, you will see this side more than probably most people. Like everybody else would probably be surprised that he needs all this external validation from you. But when a 2 has been given, given, given and isn't appreciated or poured back into, even though they act like that's not what they want because they just want to take care of everybody, resentment builds. And so what twos really, they're like. And this is such a subconscious thing. This comes from early on in his life. I'm raising a two man, so I know this, that they are just so giving all of themselves all the times because they believe that that's how they earn love and respect and worthiness. And what happens is they just give, give, give, give, give. And if nobody is really ever saying, well, what do you need? Underneath there is a lot of resentment and anger. And. And then they actually can go into shame for actually having needs. Right? So what I will tell you, you know, and I'm assuming you're in a good marriage, you're asking this. Unless you just want to vent. If you just want to vent, then just continue because it's just going to get worse. But what I will tell you with a two, especially a two man, that is such a beautiful giver, they're very sensitive. They can be very manly. Like my son is very, very manly, but he's very, very sensitive. Tone is everything.

Compassion for them, asking them once in a while, what can I do for you? Will go a long, long, long, long way. And I'm not just like limiting that to two men, but two women as well. But two men probably won't ask for it as much. They might just shut down or get really angry. Because a 2, when they're under stress, kind of takes on the unhealthy eight and can get really angry and explosive. In the past, when my son would do that, I would take it like we would go brawling because the 8 and me did not like that. But now when I recognize that he's needing validation or he's getting angry, it means he's under stress and maybe just asking questions like, what's going on with you? Or what can I do for you? Today will go a long, long way. And you'll notice that the more that his cup's getting filled up, the less he's going to need this. Okay, we got another nine question. I'm not surprised because you beautiful nine peacemakers, you always want to do everything just so beautifully for everybody else. So how do nines learn to be okay with confrontation? Well, somewhere in your life, you believed, based on maybe environment or your own belief or, you know, xyz, that having an opinion or your own voice was irrelevant. Didn't matter. You were better seen than heard. And I know this because I lived in my nine wing a lot of the time as a child in my home, and I was never okay with confrontation. So I just would do whatever it took to keep the peace. And that meant a lot of self sacrifice. Right? So I still have a nine wing that I use from time to time. But I know that I want you to know as a 9, that your opinion and your voice wants and needs to be heard. And.

Basically that's that little child in you that is holding you back, saying, no, no, no, that's not safe. We don't do this. We don't do confrontation. But your brain is saying, well, that's not right. Like, this is breaking a boundary. I don't want to do this. So there's this internal battle between that little part of you that's been conditioned this way and the adult version of you that's saying, no, this is bullshit. Right? And there's a way to lean into confrontation. And because nines have this very peaceful energy to them, they're very inclusive. So you don't want to have confrontation.

But you guys, like, seriously, you have so much wisdom. I've said this before. You're the kings and queens of the Enneagram. And you can objective in a way that most of the types don't naturally have, like you guys have. And so, you know, if you really know in your heart that whatever's Happening, you need to have stop or you need to have a hard conversation. You have to remind that little part that lives inside, inside of you that your opinion and voice matters. And just like anything, this is a muscle. It's not going to be. It's going to be so insanely uncomfortable at first. Especially if you've been doing it for many, many years, like just avoiding confrontation. So be gentle with yourself and know that this is a muscle you have to build. Nobody decides they're going to run a marathon today and then goes out and does it tomorrow with ease if they tried. It's going to be really freaking painful. And just know this like the first time that you're really facing confrontation, it's going to be really freaking uncomfortable. And here's the other thing that I like. When I have to have a hard conversation or deal with something, I really make sure that my come from is from a place of love rather than fear. Like if you want to just attack or have an opinion based on fear, then maybe check yourself a little bit and figure out what that's really about. Now if it's coming from a place of love.

And this doesn't feel right for me and you have to have some honoring going on for yourself, however they choose to receive it is really none of your business. And if you've conditioned people for as long as you probably have to just allow you to just not deal with it, then you just need to understand that it's going to come with some resistance at first. And it's okay. It's okay. If you know it's coming from a place of love, then you're going to be just fine. Over time you gotta build the muscle up. What is the best test? I've taken a few and none, none are consistent in my opinion. Like I said earlier, you know, they're gonna, they are, they aren't consistent. They aren't going to be. It's a self exploration process. But the one that I like to give out, it's a paid one. And if you do a typing session with me, I include it with it. It's at the enneagram institute.com I think it's like 144 questions. It'll take about 30 minutes to 45 minutes. But I will tell you this. When you're answering the questions, answer like you would have when you were about 20 so you know you're still fresh in adulthood. But you haven't lived as much life as maybe you have in your 40s or 30s or something like that. Right. Where you can kind of get into your head about that. So try to answer in your 20s. But even then, they may not be completely accurate. Either have somebody guide you through it, like me, or really take your top three or four scores, because I've seen sometimes the fifth highest is actually the type. And really look at the motivations, like I said. All right, next question is, I want my partner to take the test. How do I get him to do it or her to do it?

Well, I hear this one all the time. I'm trying to get my husband or partner to take it. You're not gonna. Especially if there's like this power struggle. And, you know, I will say this is start living in your own self mastery. I think it's most important whether you're a parent, a partner, a friend, a leader, a business owner, a CEO, whatever it is. It's. I love the fact that you want him to take the test so you can maybe better communicate with him, which I totally, totally, totally get. Because you've even said we're on different pages and, you know, you may just be speaking a different language. Right. So I appreciate the fact that you want him to take it or her to take it.

But you have to have your own self mastery first. So you've heard me talk about, you know, the reason I really studied this was because of my kids. Now I didn't have them take the test. And having having kids take the test is a whole different story. And I'll probably do a whole podcast on parenting with the Enneagram. But I didn't really. I mastered my own self and understanding myself first before I tried to really effectively understand everybody else. Now, does that mean you can't explore it? Absolutely not. Explore away. But sometimes, especially when we're in this personal development world and we try to bring it into our home, it's not well received. The only way that it's ever well received is if you're doing the work first and the self mastery first. So I would say get your type right. Make sure it's right. Like I said, either with a guide or just really, really digging deep into it.

Understand yourself. And as you just own your own self mastery, I'm telling you right now, the rest will follow. Because that's what I did in my home. I owned my own self mastery. I knew how an 8 affected people when I was talking. I knew how an 8 showed up in the world. I knew an 8 under stress. I knew an 8 in growth. And just me navigating that myself changed the Tone in the home, and especially if you're in a partnership with a love interest, sometimes just walking your talk is a lot more important than trying to get them to take a test. So I would start there, because if they see changes in you, they may be more open to asking what the heck's going on. Right.

All right, next question. I get this one a lot. Ugh. I don't like the type I am.

That was kind of like my reaction when I read all the parts about the eight that weren't so great, and I changed that. It's not that they're not great. It just means that an 8 under stress shows these qualities. Right? So I want you to know that all the types are beautiful in their own special, unique ways. And when you say you don't like your type, it's because you went and read all the negative, unhealthy traits, which are important to understand. You've heard me say this is not to be used as a weapon when you can realize, like, I want you to look at the things that you're saying you don't like about your type of. From the eyes of you as a child. Right. Because that's what I did. I looked at the qualities of the eight as a child, and all of a sudden, my heart sank. And I had so much compassion for her because those were compensatory strategies. They were things that I had to use as a child to navigate or be safe. Right. Or to earn love, or so I thought. Right? So instead of not liking the type you are, I want you to read those maybe unhealthier traits and think about yourself as a little. Little boy or a little girl and think about what he or she had to deal with. And when you can look at those things with compassion and then also understand that those are you under stress, think about the little you under stress. Right? And if you were sitting with little you in a chair next to you, you wouldn't say, ugh, I don't like who you are. You certainly wouldn't. You would probably grab that child and put them on your lap and tell them they're beautiful just the way they are. What's bothering you? What's stressing you out? What happened? Right? And so it's really good. Just use those things as a compass, like all those unhealthy parts of the eight that I really didn't like to look at. Now I know when they show up, it's a compass to let me know something's not kind of where it needs to be. So it's all in perspective and compassion and how you look at it.

All right, next one is, I have a large network marketing team. How can I use the Enneagram to help everyone be better?

So just like with the spouse or partner wanting to take the test, especially in a leadership role, how you show up really dictates how the rest of the team will follow through. So you know, your own personal self mastery, you going first. You know, I have a large network marketing team and my other business, and I know is because I had my own level of self mastery, it was really easy to attract that as well as develop that in others. Right? So if you have a large network marketing team, it's not do as I say, not as I do. Like you have to walk this talk of self mastery yourself. Now, that being said.

You being able to navigate all parts of your type and catch yourself in stress and not just saying, that's just who I am. I'm a three. Deal with it. Like, don't you know, I was just using a 3 as an example. A lot of you threes are network marketers or business owners, so I just happened to use that. But once you have your own self mastery, I would say study up on the others. You don't necessarily have to have your whole team take it because that can kind of send them down a rabbit hole. But how I used it, you know, I never had my network marketers take the test, but I would ask questions to understand the motives behind everything they do in network marketing. You hear find your why and business find your why. If you ask enough questions about their why, you know, like the six degrees of the why. But why do you want to do that, why do you want to do that? And why do you want to do that? Eventually you're going to get to their core motive. And if you look at the core motives of all nine Enneagram types, you might be able to gauge, you know, give or take with what that person's type is. And then when you can speak to that person's type, then it's going to require you to do some work and really understanding. And here's the other thing. Do you want them to get better for your personal gain, or do you want them to get better for them to be their greatest self without an agenda, without it tied to income? Like, obviously it's great if they can produce, but if you want everyone to be better, is it just for your gain? And that's something you have to ask yourself, right? Because I've seen some manipulation going on in all types of business, not just network marketing. We will speak to people in a way to get them to produce what we want them to produce. What I will say is this is when you genuinely want to help people be a better version of themselves. Whether or not they ever produce in your business or not, the abundance will come. But you have to have your own self mastery first.

I run a business. Can you come do a workshop? Hell to the yes. That is my favorite, favorite thing to do. I can do a one day intensive with businesses. I'll do some pre work where I type, you know, people and then even post work. When we bring everybody together and how we integrate this into the business, I love doing that. That's. I can customize that for you and your business. So you can just hit me up@traine O' Malley.com if you want more information about that. All right, we'll take a few more and I'll just save the rest for another day. All hell is breaking loose. Tracy, can this help me with my kids? And I'm going to revert back to the partner, the business, your kids? Yes. I'm telling you right now, and you guys have heard me say this before. I started my knowledge and education of the Enneagram when my kids were 14 and 15. It's never too late. All hell was breaking loose in my house as well. And I'm here to tell you, if hell is breaking loose in your house, it has everything to do with you or the relationship of you and your partner, if there is one. I was a single parent, so it was me and only me.

And I had to take ownership of that. And that's where my own personal self mastery came. When I looked at my type and then figured out what my kids were, or at least ballparking. When I realized that how I can show up sometimes, how it affects the type of the 2 and the type of the 7, which are my kids, I was like, well, no shit. No wonder things aren't landing the way that I want. And when their types aren't getting what they need, they have their own stress points, right? So everything, whether it's leadership in the business, leadership in your home, it always starts with you. How are you showing up? Are you in integrity? Are you in your own personal self mastery? And I am a living, breathing example that when you step into that and you humbly take ownership of your unperfect self and let your kids see that in not a passive aggressive or angry way, things change.

And I know that, I mean I grew up in a house, it was like, because I said so, just do it because I said so. Let's just be real. That never works long term. We may do it because we're afraid. Your kids may do it because they're afraid. But that will never ever work long term. At least if you want a harmonious house. The way to a harmonious house is to own your shit every day. And that means your own personal self mastery.

Alright, last one I'm going to do today because I like to keep these short for you. I have plenty more for another day. Is, does one type gravitate towards a certain other type when it comes to friends or partners? And I will say, when all types are healthy, all can get along, right? I believe that all types are beautiful. All types. You know, I can work with anybody at this point. Anybody. Because I have really worked on my own personal self mastery, right? So I will say again, get your personal self mastery on point. Because then you'll start attracting, you know, a wide range of friends and partners in your life, which I do have. I have a wide range. However, I will say this, so I'll use myself as an example. So as an enneagram8, we want to make sure we're not put in a vulnerable situation. We. We definitely strive for justice and safety in a way that's kind of different from other people, right?

So that being said, the people I gravitated towards before when I wasn't in self mastery were people just like me. Very aggressive, angry people. So that left me with a lot of conflict in my life and a lot of drama in my life, right? Or I would use those coping mechanisms to push people's buttons and hurt people, right? Hurt people, hurt people. I'm not proud of it, but that's just where I was at. It also allowed me to put up bigger, better walls, right? So if you're in an unhealthy type, you're going to just attract a lot of unhealthy of any type. I will say this. As I have gotten healthier and my core motive is what I told you, right? I tend to notice that a lot of my friends and all healthy types are great. For all healthy types. But the one that feeds my core motivation probably the best are Sixes, the loyalist. Because an 8 is always kind of afraid somebody's gonna take them down. And in the loyalist, I mean, their name speaks volumes, right? But the Loyalists are the master troubleshooters. They are the ones that think about worst case scenario all the time. They're thinking 10 steps ahead. And as an enneagram 8, we can kind of be super decisive and get ourselves into trouble and make decisions, especially if we're unhealthy, that get us into some trouble, whether it's in a relationship or just anything. Back when I was unhealthy, I was a walking, talking shit show. I was, you know, putting fires, lighting fires everywhere I went. But as I've gotten healthier, of course, my core motive never changes. Just like my type of. And what I love about the sixes in my life, the healthy ones, is that when I'm about to make a very quick decision because I trust them, they're like, have you thought about this, this, this, or this? I'm like, hmm, good point. And so they keep me out of some vulnerable situations that I might find myself in if I just reacted. Also, sixes, because they're a loyalist, I can tend to trust them a little bit more when they're healthy. Again, this is all with an asterisk of when we are healthy or in a healthier state. So there's that. Now, when we're unhealthy, yeah. You're going to gravitate towards something that is a shit show. So I'll give you an unhealthy two, for example. An unhealthy two is a helper. You get somebody that, like a three who wants to just succeed, and they'll just delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate to succeed. Yeah. A three and a two could be in a very unhealthy relationship. And they can also be in a very healthy relationship. Right. Ones probably get really irritated with sevens generally, and they can love each other. The thing about ones and sevens, which I love, is a one in growth can lean into the healthy parts of the seven. But when they're not healthy, those very things will trigger them. Right. Same with an 8. When an 8's healthy, we gravitate towards the healthy parts of a 2. When I'm unhealthy, I look at those people as weak. You see how that goes? So again, all the things like the nines will pretty much just do whatever when they're unhealthy to be friendly with everybody. Fives will pretty much hide in a cave, right? They're very selective because they don't want to put out a lot of energy and they'll kind of disconnect. So when you have a five friend, know that they worked really hard to trust you and to engage in that relationship and so really appreciate them. Fours can be kind of extra, Right? Me and fours that One's probably the hardest type for me. I love them dearly and I've learned to understand them. But initially they are probably the hardest for me because they can be a little extra and I love them. I love their extra because they're all the musicians and creatives and you know, that's the part of me that I like to tap into. But you know, it goes to which type will help you in your core motivation the most. When we're healthy, right, when we're unhealthy, we're going to attract all the unhealthy parts of all the types. And so yeah, that's that. So keep your questions and answers coming or questions coming because I could talk about this all day long. I will be doing another Q and A episode probably next month because these questions never stop and I love answering them for you. And again, if you're really, really confused, know that that's normal.

The wrong information is almost worse than no information. So let's get it right. I would love to work with you. And also, information doesn't equal transformation. You actually have to do some work to have that level of self mastery. So I am so excited to continue this enneagram journey again. Hit me up on Instagram traceyomally. I check my DMs daily and I'm in there all the time answering questions. If you love this episode and have more questions, screenshot it, share it, tag me in it so I know what your heart needs to hear and I will see you on the next episode.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@tracyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work.

Let's become Bulletproof.