22: The Enneagram and Parenting: How it helped shift my household for the better

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to Millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And I've gotten lots of questions lately around parenting and the Enneagram. And this is honestly parenting is why I studied the Enneagram. It's why I was open to the Enneagram. And as I know many of you have been tuning in week after week learning new things about the Enneagram. I know it can be a lot of information and then what do we do with it, right?

And I was one of those two. Once I kind of understood how valuable the Enneagram was, I wanted to know all the things. And I just want you to know if you are newer to the Enneagram or even Enneagram enthusiast and you love it, just know that it will continue to evolve and unfold as you need it. I am learning more and more about myself every single day. And you guys know I've been studying this, teaching this, integrating this into every part of my life in business and in relationships and parenting for the last eight years. And it never ceases to amaze me. The more willing I am to dive deeper into my own growth process, the more that is revealed. And I want you to know that it doesn't have to be as confusing it is online or that you're making it. You've heard me say sometimes the wrong information is almost worse than not having the information. And the Enneagram can kind of lead you down the path. And so this is why I am so passionate about teaching and helping you with it. Because once you have the right information, the possibilities endless. And I do type in sessions, I do deep dives with people. If this is something that you want to do. If you feel like you've got some information and you're just not feeling the traction with it, Take, take a session with me and see what that looks like. I have had people spend an hour with me and the messages I receive on the clarity that's come, the shifts that have made just from one hour are outstanding and obviously we could take it even deeper. I do several people over a course of six sessions that really teach you how to integrate this all aspects of your life and really understand where it came from, where this is rooted so you can have so much more compassion. And I think that's the piece for a lot of us when we're first starting the Enneagram. We don't always have the compassion piece for ourself. We still go into blame and shame. And I'm here to tell you that that won't make things better. It never does. Beating ourselves up over things that we can't change that have happened serves nobody. And especially talk to you around parenting in this episode. And I've been having lots of you message me because I did a post this last week about an interaction I had with my daughter.

And it was like I said, this is a continuous exploration journey for me. And you know, I have a lot of you hit me up saying, I want to know my kids type so I can be better for them. And, and I get that. And you know, technically, technically, you know, in air quotes I'm going to say, you know, getting a child's type nailed down, really, that's their journey. However, I will say this with all certainty and so much love that if you can kind of narrow it down to a couple like, you know, based on behaviors and, you know, even though we're talking about motives, if you really, really, really are looking at your child, you can kind of narrow it down and speak a language. Now, we're not, it's not our job to type them specifically because like I said, we're all on our own discovery journey. However, I will say that when I could identify pretty closely what my children were and then speaking the language towards that type, everything, and I mean everything changed in my home. And I'm just going to paint the picture for you. This was back in early 2012. My kids were at that time 14 and 15. And teenagers are challenging. Anyway, we had just come out of a recession, which leveled me financially due to the recession and some not so great choices in my part, fresh out of a divorce a few years earlier. That was not pretty. It was very messy, which, you know, that doesn't help things. I was in a career that I absolutely freaking hated, even though I was good at it. I was the sole provider, which created a lot of stress. I was in an unhealthy relationship that didn't help things. And all hell was breaking loose in the communication I was having with my kids. Now, I will say this. I have always been a good mom. I always have. I always strive to be better than what I had. And that's not saying the parents were shitty or anything like that. I believe we all do the best we can. This is the hardest thing in the world, is being a parent. And I will say this. I was good. And I was watching history about to repeat itself, and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want those kids to wake up when they were 40. Like, I was in pain and not knowing what the hell to do. And, you know, kids will do what we say, not what we do, or they will do what we do, not what we say to do. And I knew if they had a shot in hell, I was going to have to do some work. And you heard me talk about, like, deciding I need to change careers, I need to wipe out my social network, I need to be sober, I need to clean house and start from scratch, basically, and wipe out the hard drive and show my kids something different. If I wanted something different for them, I was going to have to be something different and show them something different. And so it was in rehab that I was introduced to the Enneagram. And the only reason I was open to it was.

Because I knew that communication was breaking down. And, you know, I believe this with all my heart. You can get through anything as long as there's an open chain of communication. And I believe that with all my heart because I lived through that. And once communication changed in my. In my home, everything changed. And we were still like. I had no idea how I was going to keep a roof over my head. You know, the toxic relationship came to an abrupt and violent standstill. You know, I lost my dad, you know, very suddenly, you know, and. And because the communication lines change with knowing and understanding the Enneagram, along with a lot of other work. You know, I'm not going to say it's just knowing the Enneagram, but my willingness to deep dive into that. And here's the thing, the Enneagram made the deep dive and the other stuff a lot easier. So just so you know, when you keep hearing people say, you got to do the air quotes work, start with the Enneagram. It will make the rest of it not so scary because you'll understand where a lot of it's rooted from. And so when I started with the Enneagram, you know, obviously I had to look at myself. You know, I was the common denominator in every shit show in my life, right? And I was one of those that would blame, you know, circumstances and people and places and things and, you know, but, you know, the common denominator and all of that was me. And for anything to change, you, you're gonna have to take some radical responsibility. And the Enneagram really helped me do that. And so as I was unpacking my own kind of personality and seeing what that looked like, it was very evident to me.

That based on what I was reading, how people might perceive me was really big.

To understand, right? So it's one thing to understand yourself, which is really, really important. And so for those of you, you know, struggling with kids or are really not wanting to screw up your kids, like, if you had asked me, my biggest fear my whole life, it wasn't sharks or snakes or heights or the dark. It was, please don't let me. Quite honestly, I did not want to repeat history. And, you know, the very first thing you must understand in parenting before you try to fix your children or figure their type out, is you must. You must understand yourself. And how you show up may impact the other types, right? Because I knew my kids were not like me. I knew that they were not an 8. No question about it. And I also knew by reading what the traits were of an 8. Healthy versus unhealthy. It was very evident. My unhealthiness was bleeding into and affecting my kids in a different way. And it took me understanding my type. So I'm going to give you a little story about what happened this week, because I've had a lot of you hit me up in the DMs asking me, okay, so you kind of explained that, and that was awesome that you could course correct at that quickly what happened. And this is super vulnerable for me because this just tells you the depths of the layers that, you know will be continued to be revealed to you, to me. And as long as you stay unconditionally committed to this, you will grow. And not only will you grow, especially if you're a parent, the impact of your growth is priceless for your children. You know, my kids are almost 22. I'll be 22 in a couple weeks and 23 years old. And, you know, even through some painful moments, and this last week was a painful, painful moment, the beautiful growth and understanding of each other on the other side, and the compassion and love that we have for each other has grown as a result. So this was probably Monday or Tuesday, and my daughter and I, we like to get, you know, we. I have a huge master bathroom, and she likes to get ready in my bathroom when she's here. And of course, course, it's some of our greatest conversations and laughter have come in those moments. And not gonna lie, our biggest brawls have happened at my master bathroom. And my son was like. He's like, there's a pattern in that bathroom. I'm like, yes, but there's a lot of great things that come in that bathroom. And, you know, I've been working on some stuff of my own and getting vulnerable in very.

Intense areas of my life. You know, with business, I'm stretching myself even bigger and in scarier things for me, in my personal relationships, I'm opening myself up to things that I never thought I would before, that I've kind of shut down for many years. And, you know, I'm feeling very vulnerable in that. And with vulnerability sometimes can come some insecurity, and it can be so subconscious, we don't even realize it's there sometimes. And, you know, with business and, you know, trying new things and stretching myself and speaking a lot more, quite honestly, the voice that taps into my head sometimes is, who the fuck do you think you are? I'm just being completely transparent with you. Oh, I'm getting choked up just thinking about that. Because I would never say that to myself, but that happens a lot. Like, who the fuck do I think I am to be doing this, to be helping people, right? I know a lot of you listening, have had that moment, and I'm just sharing that with you because I want you to know you're not alone. And you know that's not true, right? I know this logically. I know this up in my brain space, but my heart space was feeling this, that, and my energy clearly was oozing some of that, even though I was smiling. We started the morning off happy. I was in a very good mood sitting there, putting some makeup on and, you know, all the things. And before my daughter even hit my bathroom, I could feel her nervous and frantic anxious energy coming. And she's a seven and sevens when they're under stress can have that anxious energy, right? Especially if something has thrown them off. You know, it sends my daughter into this tailspin and you almost can't reason with her. It's something else sometimes. And, you know, a seven under stress takes on the unhealthier traits of that ocd one, right? The perfectionist. And when one thing gets thrown off, it's like, you can't reason with her. And she catches herself most of the time. But I was feeling it. You know, one thing got thrown off her schedule. And, you know, a lot of times with my daughter, I've learned both my children, actually, because, you know, I do have a lot of wisdom, and they do come to me quite often for it. But I have to kind of preface a conversation with my children sometimes. And you parents out there, especially with teenagers and up, I want you to really freaking listen to this right now. I ask their permission sometimes. Like, do you want, like, Coach mom and Yoda mom, or do you just want mom mom who's just gonna say, I love you, honey, and give you a hug, you know? But I didn't. And this wasn't something that I would have had to because she was frantic about something. She was going to go do a photo shoot, and it was happening earlier than expected. And I'm telling you this because this was so subconscious what was happening. But the enneagram helps this. And I was like, thank God. So she said something like, because her hair was, you know, she didn't have time to do her hair. And I know that some of you listening are like, yeah, no big deal. Like, whatever. And the old unhealthy eight of me would have just been like, suck it up, honey. Just like, whatever. Like, very insensitive. But I looked at her and I said, you know, you should put your hair up in a cute little messy bun. It'll look adorable.

And I meant it. And I said it just like that, with sweetness and all of that. Mind you, I mentioned earlier, I had this inner voice of mine saying, who the fuck do I think I am, right? That kind of undertone was already there. Even though I was smiling and being sweet to my daughter, my daughter snapped back at me and said, what are you thinking, Mom? I can't do that.

And it hit the nerve. It hit the. What do I. What the fuck? Who the fuck do I think I am to be doing this nerve? Something as simple as that. Nothing to do with each other. She had no idea any of that was underlying. And I really wasn't even totally aware at the time. And all of a sudden, I felt backed into a corner. I felt vulnerable, like she was seeing my weakness. And if you know eights at all. And this is why it's so important to know yourself first. Like, I know when I feel vulnerable and backed into a corner, I'm either gonna Bolt or I'm gonna bite. And in this moment, I bit and for a second I got quiet. And then she asked me another question or said something else and I didn't even respond. I was just getting quiet. And she goes, didn't you hear me? Like kind of aggressive like that.

And that's when I lost it. And I was like, well, I can't win. And then it got into this match and then of course me and my eightness, I went to this power and this intimidation and it was very, very quick. Like I said less than 10 seconds, we went there and I went into asshole mode. 8 hole mode is what I call it sometimes where like, I don't care who you are, I don't care if you're one of my birth children. You back me into a corner, I'm going to bit. And that's how subconscious it was, something as simple as that. But it triggered this underlying feeling I was having, right? And so I was like, okay, we need to go to our corners. Like, you just get out of my face, please. Because I knew myself and you keep poking my pain and I'm going to attack and that is the last thing I want to do. And I told her that. I said, you're poking the pain. I need you to go. Just please get out of my face for a little bit. And of course, you know, she was hurting because she had no idea, like why did I react that way? And understanding myself, I was like, okay, that was not that big a deal what she said. I know this. It had nothing to do with me telling her to put her hair in a messy bun, right? But this underlying thing that I have going on that who the hell do I think I am to be doing what I'm doing? Who the hell do I think I am to think that I can open myself up for these things in my relationship's life? And who the hell do I think I am to be worthy of love? Quite honestly, like that was all underlying all that. This is how important this is to be so self aware. Because in the olden days this would. I would have gone on a rant that would have destroyed a lot of her self esteem. And I have early, like in her early, you know, junior high ages, I did go on those rants and it's something I'm not proud of. And we've really worked hard to repair a lot of it. You know, when we know better, we got to do better. And this is so vulnerable of me to share and it's really, really hard. But I know, there's so many parents out there, you know, that are smiling their way through and, you know, we've got the filter on the Instagram and we're taking the cute family pictures. And those are all beautiful, beautiful things. And I do too. And there are these moments that happen that as a parent, we're like, sh. Shit, did I just fuck it? Thankfully, today, like, I know that I.

Can do this level of self awareness with myself. So, you know, my daughter went off on her day and did the photo shoot, and she really didn't speak to me the rest of the day. And not because she was not trying to, but she was off busy doing other things and I was working. And so we never even saw each other the rest of the day. And the next morning I woke up and I had had about 24 hours to really process where this was rooted from. And that's where I came to like, oh, I'm stretching myself and I'm feeling very ignorant in these areas of my life, of, you know, personal relationships and new things in business. And she poked my pain. And because I had that time and the power of that pause that I talk so much about, I was able to identify what went sideways here. And because I'm so self aware of how my eightness can affect people in the room and where I go under stress, I was really mindful to not let it escalate too far. Literally 10 seconds. 10 seconds. And so the next day, I walked right into her room and I could feel the sadness in her heart because I heard her right when I go into my eight wholeness, it's not pretty and it's not something I'm proud of. And quite honestly, it's a big part of why I've.

Held myself back in relationships most of my life. Because I'm not that at my core, right? And those moments happen when we're scared and under stress. And especially as a parent, like, that's the last thing I want to do is hurt my children. And so I marched my butt into her room and with such a calm, warm, open energy, I sat on her bed and I hugged her. And I just said, I apologize for how I showed up in that moment yesterday. It had nothing to do with you. And because I've taken the time to really figure out what the hell happened there, because it was a lot more, you know, clearly it was not about a messy bun and you saying, that won't work.

And she's like, I didn't understand what was happening. And I said, well, you can't read my mind, honey. And it turned into this beautiful, loving conversation. And you know, because I knew where she was under stress, like knowing her the way that I do and her sevenness under stress.

I could feel her stress before she even entered my bathroom. And I simply asked her, I said, baby, I want to support you and I want to be the best I can for you when you're under stress. And I said, I'm gonna ask you to be really mindful when you are under stress so I can help you better. Because there's no reasoning with you when you get like that. And quite honestly, you're bringing that energy into my space and then I pull over it. So I need you to do your part two, like, I am here to support you and love you and guide you in whatever way you want or even just listen if that's what you need. And I need you to be very, very aware of your own kind of energy as well. And she, she did, she was very aware of where she was at. And it turned into this beautiful conversation. And this has been hard to share with you, but I think that in the filtered world we live in and you know, at the rate that the world is in, you know, the levels of divorce are over 50% at this point. And there's a lot of parents out there trying to figure this out. And you know, my kids, dad and I, you know, where there's no anger left there. But, you know, let's just. I'm gonna call it like it is. I've pretty much been making all the decisions the last decade around parenting, and it's a lot and it's something I'm so proud of. And you know, we've navigated really hard times together.

But it's because I am so self aware and knowing how I can when I'm under stress, how that affects the energy out of my seven. And then to bring in the other child in the conversation, my beautiful son, who is a 2 helper, was feeling all this energy without even knowing what the hell just happened. He was like, what happened? What I feel something has happened in this household. He could feel the energy and the anger because two are very empathetic. They can feel it. And he's such a fixer that. And he loves like. Like I could get just so choked up thinking about it. There's no two women that boy loves more than me and his sister. And when we go at it, it hurts his heart, right? He doesn't want to see his two most important people in his life angry at Each other. And you know, he's like, there's a pattern here, you know, and he's very objective and kind of looking at both sides. He's never just Team mom or Team Casey or anything like that, but he's like, there's a pattern mom. And it's something you should look at, like, how wise are they? You know? But this is really important to understand that my willingness to go first and be self aware and be so in tune with when I'm under stress, how this affects all types. But this episode's about parenting. And, you know, to take you back almost eight years ago when I was typed as an eight very accurately, by the way, and then figuring out that I had a 2 and a 7 on my hands, and how when an 8 under stress affects a 2 and how when an 8 under stress affected a 7, it keeps me in check a lot more often than it doesn't. And this event, in this moment, this last week, was just another level of how much is happening at a subconscious level. And I'm going to tell you this, you know, for the first.

Decade of their life, I would never let them see me crack. I was that perfect parent. You know, I was a very tactical mom. They never missed anything. They always had the things, they were always the best. Well, most, the most behaved and well mannered children. They still are, you know, and I did lead by example in that area, but I never let them see me. I mean, they would feel my energy, but they would never know what that meant.

And I've done a lot of work with parents that, you know, we try to save our kid, our kids from the pain that we're experiencing. And I'm here to tell you whether you're a mother or a father. And because I grew up in a home that was really unstable, I knew the energy before it was ever talked about. And even when it wasn't, I could feel the energy. And I want you to know, as a child that grew up that way, and as somebody who almost raised her kids that way, they know something's up. And the uncertainty of having to guess for them is a lot more damaging than we actually telling them some of the truth. Now, obviously, it has to be age appropriate and we don't want to burden our children with our shit. It doesn't mean our kids are used as venting sticks or anything like that.

But understanding that mom is hurting and she's crying because her feelings got hurt or whatever, it will allow them to navigate their own feelings a lot better. I never once Wanted my kids to carry any of my burdens because I kind of grew up way too soon. By the age of four I was carrying some burdens. And it's not that my parents put that on me, it's just energy I was up on and then I was, you know, taking it upon myself to create beliefs and my own soul curriculum based on that. And you know, over the last decade in speaking transparently with my children, you know, when something has hurt me, I tell them I'm hurting. I want them to know what hurting looks like and that it's normal and we all feel hurt. That was hard for me, it's still hard for me. But when we don't share it, blow ups like this can happen. Telling my kids I'm scared about things, whether it's money, you know, that's something that was never talked about in my house growing up unless it was stressful, right? And so when I was stressed about money during a recession and a divorce, my kids could feel that energy. So today we talk about things, that things are tight right here. Let's talk about this. We are not being good stewards of our money here. Let's talk about this. You know, because those things cause me anxiety or stress and the more that I can take the power away from the stress of things, the more that impacts our children.

And.

This has been single handedly the most freedom I have given my children and seeing, letting them see me navigate hard things again, I'm not letting them carry any burdens. I'm not dumping my shit on my kids. You know, I was, they were 9 and 10 when I got divorced. So more than half their life they have had a single mom raising them and it's been a roller coaster, you know, really great things and really, really hard things. And I'm here to tell you as a, as a, not a good parent, I'm a fucking fantastic. I am one of the best parents that I've ever met. And I say that with so much pride and grace and humility. There's a lot of humble pie that I've eaten along the way to be able to say that today because I've well equipped my kids to be very emotionally strong because life is going to happen and we can't protect them from everything. We can't. But I think in understanding myself at such a deep level has allowed me to show them what that looks like. And as we have navigated their types over the last eight years, they are.

More easy to course correct when they get off path. And one day when they or if they choose to be parents, they will take a lot of these lessons with them. You know, I know this wasn't an episode, you know, going through all the Enneagram types and how that, what that says about your parenting style. And I will do an episode on that at one point. But I really wanted this episode to be for you to understand the impact of understanding yourself first. You know, when I have people come to me, whether it's in business, and they say, I want you to help me fix my employees and my business and all the people that work for me, I say to the person in charge, we must first start with you. Because leaders go first, they always do. And same thing in parenting. When I have parents coming to me in chaos in their family, they're in a divorce, whatever that looks like, or there's a co parenting thing that's not great. You know, before we dive into the kids, we must dive into you first. Because that's how it works. That's how it works because you must first understand yourself really. And I know that maybe some of you are in crisis right now and you just want to go into damage control. The best damage control you can do is really understanding yourself and understanding where you go under stress and how that affects everything. Your children, your business, your love, whatever.

And I know a lot of you are listening right now, feeling convicted and that I have so much compassion for every parent listening right now. Because it is the hardest job in the world. And most of us, especially if you're, you know, in my age range, you know, we're like the first generation of parents that have been exposed to personal development. And we didn't have parents that did any of this work. No fault of their own, it just wasn't available. And their parents were like, oh my God, you know, do as I say, not as I do. What happens to in our house, stays in our house. It wasn't talked about. So I'm a first generation parent in my home that has done this work and it's not easy to go first. It is required. And the more that you are humbled enough and unconditionally committed to your own self awareness.

I can guarantee you, and that's bold, I guarantee you it will shift your home 100%. It will shift if you're, you know, I've been a single parent now, God, 14 years, it shifted everything. Even as a single parent, if I was to get married again, this would shift everything in my partnership with a spouse or a partner.

And that in turn will affect the children in the homes, right? So I know that you're listening right now and you're like, fuck, Trace. Where do I start? Yes, you can deep dive yourself. You're going to have to be, like I said, relentless about getting to the bottom of who you are. And the Enneagram is just a tool, right? It's not the end all, be all. Like, if you know the Enneagram, then you're a rock star parent. That's not how it works. It's just a tool to move the needle faster. It is the fastest tool I've ever used in any of my personal development, you know, and I've been 19 years in personal development, but the last eight to 10 have been my deepest dive into it. And the Enneagram has been the fastest tool that moves the needle. And so if you're out there and you need some help, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. This is why I'm so passionate about doing the work that I do around Enneagram business people as well. I know that so many of us, our biggest fears was we don't want to fuck up our kids. Right? I know that. And I know that you're scared to death happen. I'm here to tell you you won't. If you go first. You're a leader in your home. You go first. It changes everything. And reach out to me. I would love to deep dive with you. It isn't as hard as you think it is. Like I said, this is probably the greatest tool to get the ball rolling and doing the work. And it's where compassion came for me. Because I had a history of not so great choices. I had a history of blow ups that would last more than 10 seconds. Trust me, you know, an eight. Under stress, we're very protective, not just of people we love, but of ourselves. And if we feel threatened.

We will. We will go down that hole if we have to. So if you're listening right now and you need some help, please reach out. I can help you. I know this for a fact. If that isn't your thing and you kind of want to dive into this on your own, absolutely. It's possible. I didn't have a me. I didn't have a me. Even though my therapist introduced me to it. Like, we didn't really use this. I did a lot of my own work on takes longer. If you're in crisis mode, know that this is something that if you shift a few things, it can really, really help. I want to know more about what you want to hear about in regards to the Enneagram, whether it's parenting or business or love relationships. Even though I haven't been in a love partnership for quite some time, I work with lots of people that are and have helped many, many people. And I am very confident that when that, and if that should happen for me, it will be a lot different than I've ever had before because of my wisdom and willingness to do this work in the Enneagram. And if you're listening right now and this has landed on your heart, I would love to know about it. If you could screenshot this, tell me what you learned. Please share this episode with your mamas and papas out there that maybe need to hear that. I know there's a lot of dads out there too, that are single parents. I hear from you all the time. I work with a lot of you. And I know that you want to show up differently for your kids as that safe place to fall, not just that stoic, you know, provider dad. You want to be that loving, safe place to be. And you know, it's. It's an important thing for you too. So I hope this very vulnerable episode helped you. I probably am going to have to go for a run right now because that was a lot for me to share. But I think it's in our stories that we can kind of put the dots together, connect the dots and make sense of it. And I want you, I really want you to know that I get it. I get it more than you can even imagine. And every day I'm learning something new about myself that makes me a better mom, a better business owner, better friend, probably a better partner one day for whoever's supposed to be in my life, right? So keep doing the work. Keep standing on the front line of your life. This is how we become bulletproof, y'. All. And like I said, if this landed on your heart, share it with somebody that you care about. Share it with. Let me know what else you want to hear because I am all about bringing stuff to you that will actually help you. And until next time, let's just go out there and become bulletproof.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to Millennials, an author, Enneagram expert, and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs. As we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram Instagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.