23: How to step outside of your box and be all of the things, all of the time

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And today's conversation I have a feeling is going to be pretty fucking great. I was kind of sitting around looking at my list of people I've interviewed or choose to interview, and there's a common theme. There's not a ton of women I've noticed, which is interesting to me, but it's not coming from the place I.

Used to come from.

I've lived in my masculine energy pretty much 90% of my life and I was always in relation with men. Not, you know, romantically always, but like in general conversation. In the industries I've chosen to work in, I pretty much resided in my masculine energy. And when I was looking at the list of women that I've interviewed or am plan to interview or want to interview, there is a common theme. They have all been dominant in their masculine energy and all of them have worked really, really hard to embrace the feminine energy. And for those of you this may sound a little woo woo, and it isn't. I promise you it's not. Men have feminine energy and masculine energy. Women have masculine energy and feminine energy. And when I met this woman, God, probably about six months ago now, I knew before I entered the room there was somebody that I was really gonna love in that room, aside from who I was planning to meet. And when I met Regina Lawrence, it was like I knew her my whole life. We pretty much could have gaggled on like a bunch of hens probably for days and days and days. And we did for several hours. And there was this common theme with her as well. We're tough ass chicks that can bring the heat when we need to. And which is where it felt safe for us as children that grew up with addiction around us all the time. We kind of had to be in that to stay safe. And as we evolved into adulthood, I've got about a decade and a half on her, but as she and I both evolved into adulthood, we realized that although that is a good quality to have and important, it doesn't have to be our number one go to all the time. And in fact, our power is in that feminine energy. And when you can you. And when you can bring the two together in such a beautiful, elegant, natural way, that is when the real magic happens. And it was just a couple years ago this fireball graduated from law school. She's a trial attorney by education and trade. She did that for a few years and then woke up one morning and knew, like, this is not her soul's calling. And I remember when she told me, she goes. I was curled up in the fetal position in a pencil skirt and Louboutins. And I knew right then and there, at the age of. What was it, like, 30? Something, that shit. I have put all this time and effort into something very powerful, and. And I love doing, but it isn't my soul's calling. And so she packed up her shit. She walked in the office and said, I'm done. Moved across the country, knowing no one. And that's where I met her, here in Phoenix, Arizona. And I have never met somebody that inspires me so much to meet new people. It is not something that comes very naturally to me. It is probably the thing that's most uncomfortable for me, like, the thought of doing that. I've worked really hard at it, but when I really witnessed her naturally doing it and so beautifully doing it for the greatest good, not necessarily for an ulterior motive or to network, you know, Even though that's part of it, she genuinely loves meeting new people. And it inspired me so, so much that I have, since meeting her, said yes a lot more. I have dove deep with people in ways that I probably wouldn't have before meeting her. So you're gonna love this. This little fireball. And even though she is the fireball, she's like this big, huge, warm, sensitive powerhouse of a woman. And I am so excited for you guys to meet Ms. Regina Lawrence. Hello, my love.

Oh, my gosh. I love you. Thank you for the introduction.

It was so funny. We. She messaged me about 45 minutes ago. She's like, are we videotaping this, or can I show up looking like Ratchet? I'm like, go for the Ratchet girl.

Ratchet is hell over here, people.

Well, you know what? This girl can rock a power pout with some lipstick like nobody's business. I have one other friend other than you that I'm like, damn, I wish I could pull that off. And I'm here to tell you, you look in all au natural. It just you're glowing and you're so beautiful. So, you know, I know that you went to school to be a lawyer and that's what you were and. But the thing I remember most about you when I heard your story is, you know, you grew up in this Catholic home, one of nine siblings, right? Nine and seven of them struggle with addiction. Yep. I was like, holy shit, that is a whole lot of dysfunction going on. And no wonder, no wonder you felt like you had to live in that masculine energy. But you know, most people looking at that on paper, there's no way in hell you come out of that not, oh, not only as like this overachiever, but. But such a well grounded human. So growing up in that environment, what do you think is the thing that taught you most? Because you don't live in the victimhood of that where most people would. I grew up in a home of addiction as well. Different kinds. Not just like substance and alcohol, but also heavy codependency, which I think is the hardest addiction to break. Which I know that's a big thing for you as well. But you never played the victim, at least since I've known you, or even in our conversations about it. And why do you think that is? Because so many use that as an. As the reason to play small. But you actually went the other way with that.

For me.

My early childhood, I remember looking around at the dysfunction, and I was always an old soul. And I remember thinking, how did I end up here? And why are these people my family? And what I've come to realize is that family has given me the greatest lessons. And I am the woman I am. I have the drive I have, I have the skills I have and the ability to connect with people the way I can. Like you said, I'm a natural connector that came from being a child in a home with a lot of exposure to addiction and to things that children should never be exposed to. I was the smooth, the one that smoothed it out. I was the negotiator. I was the safe space. So I learned human adult connecting skills at a really young age. And so as wild as my childhood was, like, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't grow up in that fucking crazy ass home. You know, I wouldn't have gone to Law school, I wouldn't have become an entrepreneur. I wouldn't have the grit that I have if I didn't see and live in that space.

You know, it's funny that you say that, because, you know, as much as it was hard, I know it was. I mean, yes, you are all those things, and it was still hard. And one of the things that people will say to me all the time is, like, how do you read situations the way you do? How did you learn that? I'm like, well, grew up in an alcoholic home, and you can pretty much read situations by a look, by one foot on the ground. And it's a gift. And, you know, for those of you listening that have grown up with hard things, those can actually be assets for you if you choose to look at them that way. And Regina is a good example of that. So when did you know you were gonna go to law school?

So it's really interesting. So I was not the girl that grew up and thought, I'm gonna be a lawyer. Like.

I have four sisters. None of my sisters went to college. My mom got married at 18. In my family, women do not get an education. And so for me, I was looking at the space around me, and I was like, I don't want to be this. I don't wanna get married at 20 years old and start having kids. I. I have to do something different to change the cycle for my own life. And so I was like, okay, maybe I'll go to law school. And I never wanted to practice law. I wanted to do political journalism. But all the political journalists who are women all had law degrees. So I basically set out on a whim, and I was like, I'm gonna go to law school. And, like, decided that summer and was able to get into Rutgers with my GRE score. They were running a program. It was so divinely orchestrated because I took the gre.

But I was like, I don't want to go to grad school. I want to go to law school. And so I inquired at Rutgers, and they sent me an email, and they said, send us your GRE scores and send us your college gpa. We're running a pilot program. So this was in June. Two weeks later, I got an email back. Based on your undergrad and your scores, we would like to welcome you into the fall class. So in two months. And I was like, I'm going to law school, baby. And everyone in my life was like, wait, you're gonna be a lawyer? And I was like, no, no, I'm never gonna Practice. I don't want to be in front of people. I don't like crowds.

That's how I went to law school.

You know, something that you said is so profound. You know, I've often said if you don't repair it, you repeat it. And growing up, like you said, four sisters and a mom, you know, as women, and I'm a mom, I know the great responsibility is we're teaching kids, you know, what they can expect from women and how to show up as a woman and you. Very early on, and I did, too. Like, I grew up in a home, I was like, I am not going to be like that. And that's easy to say, and it's so much fucking harder to do because not only do you not know another way, you're kind of like shooting it in the dark, but. And this is where it gets really hard, is you're faced with resistance. Because when you do shine your light in a different way, especially so, you know, my whole family's like this, too. Like, the arrows, the swords, the bullets come flying at you, like, who the hell do you think you are to be doing this? And I know that's not easy, right? So when you were faced with that, and I know we've had conversations about this, like, when that shit's coming at you, like, who the fuck do you think you are, Regina? This is not what we do. Yeah, how do you. Because I know many of you listening, you have a dream for your life, you know, like, you feel like the black sheep of your family. And I'm here to tell you, if you're the black sheep, you're the one winning, right? It doesn't mean you're bad. And when you are the black sheep, it means it's. It's going to be you that breaks the cycle, that breaks the generational pattern. It's you that creates a brand new legacy for your name and your lineage. And I know it's hard to stand up in that. Yet you did it. What was the hardest part about that? Because I know there's a lot of them listening right now that they know they want that, but they keep getting reeled back into that shit show.

The thing that fire really was my fire to do this and to not give a fuck what anybody said. My parents. My dad left my mom, and she found out that he was cheating on her when I was 13, the night before my 13th birthday. And we didn't know that my dad had cheated on my mom, I think, for years. And we had no idea. And there's nine kids, all the same parents, right? So we were this perfect Catholic family. And when that happened, my mom had nothing. She had never worked. She had stayed home and raised the kids. And I remember sitting with my mom, and my mom is this strong Irish Catholic woman from Philadelphia. Like, she's a badass. Like, she's got these arched eyebrows, and she always had her black hair, like, pulled back in a bun like she was badass. You never wanted to fuck with Kath. And I remember seeing my beautiful mom in a ball. And she cried and she cried for years, and she. It was like a fight with my dad about money and things. And my dad ended up being a great supporter of us when he left and everything. But I remember seeing her and she had legitimately nothing, she thought. And I remember being 13, thinking, well, it's time to grow up. You got to take care of her. And I will never, never rely on a man to take care of me in the way that she relied on him. And so that thought stayed in my mind through college. I put myself through college and took out loans. I was like, fuck that. No one's ever going to do that to me. And it was subconscious at that point. Then when I was going to law school, I was like, I got to take care of myself. I got to take care of my mom someday. That fueled me. That, like, fire to be like. And that was that masculine energy, right? Like the linear. Like, masculine. I'm going to be the provider. I'm going to take care of me kind of a way. That's what propelled me forward. And when my siblings and when people are like, law school, you know, law school is, like, really hard, right? I'd be like, yeah, and I'm going. And I got into law school, and then I was studying for the bar exam, and everyone was like, you know, people fail. Like, people fail the bar exam. Like, if you fail, it's okay. I'm like, I'm not gonna fucking fail. I'm gonna pass it the first time. Like, I'm gonna pass two bars the first time. And then whenever people, like, came at me, I was like, I got a mission and I'm. I gotta get out of here. So that's really. That's what propelled me forward.

This is how we're a lot alike. Because I remember seeing my mom's reliance on my dad financially too. And I was like, things like, we couldn't have food in the house. Like, there was never enough food in the house because it wasn't in the budget. She got I was like, what the fuck is that? And I remember, you know, my dad always wanted a boy, so he kind of talked to me like a boy. And I remember one of my very first memories of my dad was, you make all the money. That is where all your power is. Don't ever give it up. You control it. You make it, and you have all the power. And he's. And I was this little girl, like, noted, noted. And. And so, of course, like, in order to make that happen, I did have to reside in my masculine energy as well. And what I found is, yeah, it was great to not be at the hands and be vulnerable to somebody else like that. But I'm sure you can also see through your work, deep inner work, that we're also robbing ourselves of some joy, too, when we reside in that powerhouse, strong, masculine energy all the time.

Totally. I was robbing myself of good partners, and I was robbing myself of partners. Like, I had this breakthrough moment a couple years ago because I was engaged in law school. I called off my engagement and. And then after him, I had a partner for five years that I lived with. And after those two big relationships, I sat back and looked at my life, and I was like, why do I date such weak men? Why do I date men that are so sensitive, so feminine, so emotional, like, to a degree that it was off balance? And then I was like, oh, because you're so in your masculine that a masculine man can exist. And, oh, you have unconsciously been choosing partners that could never take care of you, because when you were 13 years old, you were like, a man will never take care of me. So I unconsciously fulfilled that through my whole life.

You know, I know you know this. I'm raising a son, and he's, gosh, 22. And I remember the day that I. Because he's sensitive by nature, it's. He's an enneagram, too. So he's naturally sensitive and empathetic. And I also realized that my energy was drowning out his masculine energy because I've been a single mom since he was nine years old. So, you know, I've been his only model of that. And I remember very clearly about four or five years after my divorce, being very mindful that I need to turn this around because I don't want my son to be in a relationship with somebody like I was, because that's what he knows. That's what he knows. That's what he knows, what to expect from a woman. And so since he was 14, the last, gosh, eight years now, really showing him a strong woman, which is really important, I think, and also equally vulnerable and feminine. It has changed the way that that young man has boundaries, has strength, and he's equally, like, sensitive. So. I love that you said that and how I. Girl, I can only imagine what I've robbed myself of. And I'm not beating myself up for it, too, because I know that there was a purpose and a reason for that. So, you know, you go to law school, you don't really want to be a lawyer. You want to be a journalist, but then you end up a trial lawyer, right?

Yeah.

And I know that you were kind of thrown. Thrown to the wolves, probably because you were so fucking good. Is that what happened?

Yeah, I. In my first year of law school, I had my first argument in front of a judge. And at the end of the argument, and, like, it's very much like you prepare a brief, and you know your arguments, but you're just thinking on your feet and arguing with an adversary. And there's a judge. And I got out of that, and the judge said to me, you're really good. You're really good on your feet. And I was like, really? And he was like, you've made arguments that other people don't make. Like, you. You should really be in front of a courtroom. And that spurred me into becoming obsessed with trial work and understanding the art of being a trial attorney. And I. You know, young attorneys out of law school, they don't try cases, especially civil. If you're a prosecutor, yeah, you can get in the courtroom. But I was a civil practitioner, and I connected. I've always been a connector. I was getting my master's of law, and there was a guy who ran the civil trial division for the entire city of Philadelphia, and I met him, and he saw me in my program, and he was like, do you want a job? Do you want to work for me? And he hired me, and two weeks later, I tried my first case. Like, threw me to the wolves. Like, picked a jury, closed a case in front of a jury, shit my pants, didn't sleep. Like, all the things. And at the end of that, I was like, I'm a trial attorney. Like. And it just changed it for me. It truly changed who I was as a woman and as a person on so many levels.

And here's the thing about that. Like, that is badass, and I fucking love that. Like, if I was to be a lawyer, that's probably how I would show up, too. Just based on instincts alone and how we grew up. Right. And that is also a really dangerous place to be, because you and I both know what our ego does with that kind of situation and where you and I can go with that. So you're like, yeah, I'm unstoppable at this point and bulletproof. Right. And how long did your ego ride that wave? And, like, you were good, no question. But you know where I'm going with this, right? So how long did you ride that wave?

The very first case I tried that I won.

The jury came out. I was always a defense attorney. The jury comes out, and they say, we find in favor of the defendant, the city of Philadelphia. And I felt nothing. And I thought that that pivotal moment that I had worked so hard for was gonna fill me up. I felt nothing. And in that moment, I was like, ooh, girl. That was the first ping. It got worse. As more success came and more money came and bigger clients came, it got worse and worse. And I was like, where is this fucking fulfillment? Like, I am doing it all. I am doing all the things that they told me to do, and I'm killing it, and I am so unhappy.

That is so enneagram three of you. Right?

And that is where the battle between our ego and our. Our soul happens. Because I've had tremendous financial success and accolades and people dropping at my feet, crying, and I get all that. Like, I get that. And I've also never felt so empty in my life. And so I feel you. And there's, like, this. Yeah. But not only have I dedicated a lot of money and education into this, not only am I really fucking good at it, not only am I getting rewarded for it, there's that battle between. I mean, if you're weighing those things, all those things are tipping the scale a lot bigger than, yeah, but I'm not happy. And most people would choose the scale weighing down with all the things. All the things, and passing up on the happiness. We see it all the time. Yet there you were. You were under 30 at that point, right?

Yeah.

Making that kind of decision. And that alone, you guys.

Scary, scary. Taking her income to zero, decides this is not for me, at the top of her game.

So how do you like. I know there's a lot of people out there in jobs that they hate, and neither one of us are saying, burn all the boats and say, fuck it. And, you know, she. She definitely had a game plan. It wasn't just. She wasn't sitting there in a meditative namaste state saying, I'm gonna fucking manifest the shit out of this?

No, no, no.

Like, there was an element of that and a lot of planning and hard work that was going to be your next move. So when you're realizing, oh, shit, oh, shit, I'm gonna walk away from this, but I'm not quite sure what's next. What was your process?

The very first thing I did, I gave myself permission to really think about what makes me happy. And I realized I had spent an entire lifetime pursuing somebody else's version of goodness. So the good job, the good boyfriend, the good fiance, the good this, the good that. No one had ever looked at me and said, regina, what makes you happy? And what did your soul come here to do? And as I was really waking up, spiritually waking up and, like, waking up inside my body, I was like, you're allowed to ask yourself that question. And at this point, I'm living with my boyfriend, who I love. I have this great job. And I was like, your whole life might change. That's okay, because you have a long life to live, and, you know, you have a big purpose. So I started to create white space, and I started to write about myself. And I was like, I'm really unfulfilled in this relationship. I hate my boss, and I don't love the work I'm doing. Like, how am I going to change it? So for a while, I sat with it, and I was like, what makes you happy? What are you good at? Why are you good at it? What in being a lawyer? What are your skills that you are so good at that are transferable? What do you not like? Why don't you like it? And I started to just ask myself those broad questions and started to feel into it and listen, and I didn't feel like I had to get it done immediately. I knew a change had to happen, and I was slowly shifting, but I started to, like, listen to my intuition and feel into myself.

So as somebody at the age of 13 makes the decision and takes on the fact that I need to take care of my mom, probably many of your siblings at that point. So at 13, that is kind of your operating system is just handle it, handle it, stuff my shit, handle everybody else for you to 15, 16 years later, like, try to unpack who Regina is and what makes her happy after, you know, almost two decades of not even knowing who Regina is. That's not easy to do, to try and, like, figure out what makes you happy because you've buried it under so much shit for so long. I did it at 40, and it was. It was really Freaking hard. So I can imagine for you what that process, how long did you sit on it before it's like, okay, pulling the plug on all of it?

I would say it was like a good three year process before I left practice, almost three years. So it started.

It started when I was 29, right before my 30th birthday. And by my 32nd birthday, I was on my way out the door.

You guys, I want you to listen to that. Took her three years of a process. She didn't just say, oh, I'm going to be this business coach and la.

La, la, la, la.

And miraculously it happened. Like, great. If that can be reality. But people that say that's how it went is it's never that. There's always a process and a time that, you know, she had to navigate all of these things. So you decide that it's gonna happen. You walk into the boss's office say, I've had enough. You walk into mom and say, guess what? I am packing my shit and saying goodbye, and I'm moving to the desert after living in Jersey and Philly and all that way. Like, what the hell? Did people think you were having a midlife crisis at 30?

They still think I am.

They think I'm fucking nuts.

And you are. And that's what's great about you. It's.

You know, my. Before leading up to leaving my job, I was like, my mom's really spiritual. And so I was like, mom, I'm getting this. I'm hearing a voice. My mom was like, okay.

God keeps telling me to quit my job. And the voice is getting louder. And I would literally be driving in my car saying, I'll do whatever you want, but you need to make it abundantly clear how this is going to happen. Because, like, I wasn't a girl that had all this money in savings and was like, like, I'm a Virgo type a planner. But I wasn't planning on leaving for another couple years. I was going to try to try to ride that train as long as I could. And so I told my mom. I was like, mom, please pray for me. So she's like praying for me. And when I made the decision, I told her. I told my dad first. And my dad was like, honey, you're not married. You don't have kids. If you're going to take a leap, this is the time to do it. And then I told my mom and she was like, I don't really understand, but do what you need to do.

And so they were. My dad Was super supportive because, like, like, you, my. I was. Now, remember, I have four siblings, so this is ultra offensive. My dad always tells me I'm the son he never had because I'm so. I've always been so ma. And my dad is so proud of everything I do all the time, that he was like, if anybody I know can create a business out of nothing and make it work, it is you. You get shit done, girl. And my mom, like, is nervous, but, you know, she just doesn't really get me. And she's like, are you okay? Can you pay your bills?

Oh, bless her heart. So I know after playing the role of caregiver, so to speak, for everyone to leave that all behind to move out to Arizona knowing nobody. And you guys, like, I shit you not. How long have you been here? A year or two.

I moved here officially in May.

Okay, so she's been here less than a year, and she probably knows more people in Arizona than I have. Being here 28 years. Just saying. It's crazy. And it's such a beautiful gift because when she made the decision, and this is what's really important, you guys. Like, she made the decision to walk away from some things that were really good. But good's the enemy of great, right? Good's the enemy of great in your relationships, in your career. But then she had a plan, followed it, and then executed, right? She had the awareness. She wasn't happy. She's acknowledging kind of where this comes from. And now it's time to take effective and compassionate action, you know, Because I'm sure there was some beating herself up along the way, right? You're beating yourself up for this decision. Like, am I really fucking crazy?

Mm. I would ask myself that all the time. And even sometimes still, I'm like, are you a little insane? Yeah, you are. But that's why you're doing the things you're doing, because you're a little crazy.

So what? Like, after deciding it's not law, like, how do you figure out what it in air quotes is that makes Regina happy and fulfilled?

The thing that I love about. I loved about being a lawyer is I am. I'm a great human connector. I am able to connect with people. I'm able to read people. I've always been able to read people's energy really well from growing up in that household. Like, I would know if somebody walked in the door if they were on drugs and what drugs they were on. Like, I just had awareness of people and energy from a young age. And so I thought about in practice. What do I love? I love connecting with people wherever they are. I understood NLP before I knew what NLP was. So like I knew how to mimic tones and use those same verbiage and like, talk to someone. And I was like, okay, like. And I remember taking depositions and you know, I was really good at taking depositions because I could be whoever they needed me to be so that we could. They would tell me things and I was like, okay, so I'm a human. I'm a great human connector. I love asking questions, I love solving problems, and I love getting to the bottom of things and I love sitting face to face with people. And as I started going through my own process, I worked with a business and life coach one on one for almost three years. Every week or every month. I talked to him and he said to me, you're a natural born coach. And I said, really? And he was like, yeah, like you were born to do coaching. So when I first started my journey, I got really into neuro linguistic programming, really understanding that a lot of stress and anxiety and the responses are habitable responses that we have been, you know, we learn it from our primary caregiver. My mom's state of being was always, I'm anxious, I'm anxious. So I learned that. And once I understood that I could change the pattern and the framework around how I responded to situations, I realized that I could teach other high performers that you can work 15 hours a day in a peaceful body and be productive and not be stressed out all the time. So that's where. And that's where my coaching started. But then it morphed. Like it started there, but then I started. I'm a. I like to study and learn everything. So I was learning about brand building, I was learning about niching down. I was learning how to use canva. Like all these things that you use as an entrepreneur. And people would be like, how'd you build your brand? How do you do? How are you writing copy? How are you doing this? And I'm like, huh? I could teach people how to build a business. Like, I have been building my business. And so it started with an idea. The idea has morphed and shift and changed. But like, I've never stopped being in action. I've just kept flowing with it and being like, okay, like this is what people want. Like, and this is what I'm actually really good at. And I've allowed myself to not be married to anything and just to flow with it.

So I love, I'm Glad that you just said that because I was thinking it as you were saying it. Like, you have kind of married your business a little bit and you and I have had long conversations about that. Not. It's one thing to be married to our business. And you and I both crave connection with other humans, romantic partners, things like that. And because both of us have things modeled for us in our early childhood, that is definitely not what we want. We figured out the business aspect of it and even how to step into some feminine energy. Yet when it comes to romantic partnership and that world, that's still kind of something that's like, ooh, this is really scary because we can be boss babes all day long. You and I both can do that. We've proven to the world that we can fucking crush anything that we want, business wise. And there's this beautiful girl in both of us that is learning to navigate, manners of the heart. And I know one of the things I was most intrigued by you is your willingness to try it all on, so to speak, right? And I know you were in some long term relationships, but then you moved out here and on your travels you're like, I'm just gonna start dating, let's talk about that. Because that, that scares the fuck out of me. And I was like, you're what? Like, tell me, tell me all the things. Like, this is amazing. And you guys just write down the name Regina Lawrence right now.

Predicting she's going to be a New York Times bestseller. Just trust me on this. We don't even have to say the name of the thing, but my God, like this experience alone and navigating that. So yes, you can crush it business, even in your feminine energy. Now take it to the romantic side because our goal, honestly is to be not just human connectors in the business world, but also for our soul's purpose to love.

Yeah, it's been a wild ride. So I've always been a very monogamous girl. Like, I didn't date in high school, in college, I didn't really date. I was very driven and focused on school. And then at the end of college, I met a guy and dated him all through law school. And we were engaged. Then we broke up for. We broke up. And then I met my last partner and I was with him for five years. And I realized when I looked back at my life, I had spent about 10 years in monogamy and I had never had that experience of dating. Dating was scary for me because as a recovering codependent, I just wanted to Have a partner. I wanted the safety of it. I wanted to be able to control. And that's why I dated the men I dated. Like, I ran the shots, I wore the pants, I controlled. And I realized I. I really got deep in my journey with recovery from codependence over the past two years because I didn't think I was codependent. And then I read Codependent no More, which is my bible. It sits on my nightstand. I reference it every time I'm dating somebody new. There are certain chapters I go to. I'm always revisiting that because codependence for me is one of those things that in intimate relationships, the deep wounds come forward. And I see that. So I decided that when I moved to Phoenix and knew no one, that I was gonna date and date and date and date. And it scared the shit out of me.

It's so funny that you brought up Codependent no More. That was my very first. That and Perfect Daughters, which I recommend for you as well. Codependent no More when I was 28 was my very first personal development book. And it's the one that I recommend 99% of the time because I didn't think I was codependent either. And holy fuck, was it like a big slap in the face. Because I recognize Codependent as more like your mom and my mom, you know, that kind of like whatever, right? We've already explained that I didn't see a codependent as this masculine, energy filled woman. And that was a reality check for me as well. So in this dating and dating and dating and dating, what did you learn a about yourself and what you really want for your heart?

I learned so many things.

One of the first big things I learned was I can't know. I can't find what I want in a man unless I get very clear on what I want for myself and what I want for my life. I realized that all the decisions I had made in my life up until 30 years old were always swayed by a man. Whether it be where I lived, whether it be what I wanted in life. I wasn't so rooted and firm in my non negotiables and core values that I thinking I'm this strong woman. And I was. But within romantic relationships, I would sway along with these weaker men. And so I realized that if I want to call in a certain type of man into my life, I have to be very clear on who is Regina, what are my core values, what do I want in life? And then pick accordingly. So for Example, I met a guy this year. We had an amazing sexual connection, an amazing intellectual connection. And we started talking about kids. And he said, kids are a hard no for me. I never want kids. Old Regina would have been like, do I want kids? Am I sure I want kids. After that, I was like, listen, you're amazing. We have a great connection. I honor that. But I want to have kids. So like, this isn't going to go anywhere. And it was like we understood each other. It was amicable. It was like, you're a great person. Like, this isn't going to work. So like that, like, things like that, like, really being clear on who I am and what I want and what I'm calling in. And if it's something big, like children or like things that are like, really important to me, I'm not swaying. Like, I'll find someone else that will work with this.

Okay, so this is great because I know why I would be the chameleon with men.

Based on what I knew my dad wanted. You know, because I told you my dad wanted a boy. So I built and bought into the belief that I need to be as close to perfect as possible and as interested in the things he's interested to have his approval and love. And clearly I carried that into most of my male relationships moving forward, compounded by the fact I didn't want to be like my mom and be like, you know, so the whole thing. Have you been able to pinpoint where that chameleon, like with men came from in your codependency? Was it based on your mom, your dad, both? All the things.

I think the chameleon came from my parents relationship and from my relationship with my siblings. So because I was always this old soul and I was always around the older siblings, I was always the safe person, everybody. And even as an adult, I've completely removed myself from that role. But early in adulthood, I am the one who she would call me to talk about her and I couldn't tell her what she was saying. And I'd have to pacify this one. You know, I was the smoother, the fixer always. So I kind of learned to just. I wanted them to all love me. I wanted to be accepted. I always wanted to be accepted my whole life by everyone. Like, because from a. From childhood I was kind of like a. I. Like, I'm a. I was a quirky kid. Like, I had seven older siblings who were drug addicts and like, so crazy I was exposed to such inappropriate things. But also like, I. My favorite album in Kindergarten was, you know, the immaculate collection. And I knew every word to, like a virgin touched for the very first time in kindergarten. Like, I was a kid. And I was also really smart and, like, I loved to read and, like, so I just wanted people to, like, love me and accept me all the time. And that's where that chameleon came from. It was like, I could read people from a young age. I knew what they would like, and then I would slip into that role. And I did that always as a kid.

I would have been fascinated to watch you as a child. Like, you remind me a lot of my daughter in a lot of ways. Just that. Just take no shit. But also that sweet, sensitive quirkiness. Like, I just love all of you. So now, like, you're out in Arizona almost a year now, and you've built, God, quite a community, and I'm so honored to be part of it. It's such a beautiful blessing. And you really have helped bring me out of my shell and meeting new people. So I want to thank you and just edify you for that. And you're this business and life strategist, and you're way different than most of those that I see, you know, on the gram. I'm a business. No, you're. You actually know your shit. And I love that. So, you know, for somebody who's always growing, do you see yourself doing that forever? Where do you see?

No. And, like, you know, you hinted at it earlier, like, the thing about me and the thing that my mission in life is that we are all of the things all of the time, but we live in a world where, if you're a spiritual woman, you have to look and be and act a certain way. If you're a lawyer, don't be too pretty, don't talk too much, don't be too spiritual. Fit into that whitewashed box. And so for me, and then in the business world, we're living in this world of marketing, where it's like, I'm Susie, and I help entrepreneurs do X through Y. Like, I understand, like, you want to make it clear to people what you sell so they can buy it from you. But we're getting to the point where it's so fucking narrow that people are not being their authentic, true self anymore. So my mission in life with everything that I do, is to empower people that you can be all of the things. You can be smart, you can be silly, you can be sexual, you can have. You can say the F word. You can be a brilliant businesswoman and be like making dick jokes next minute. That's the beauty of being a human person and having the human experience. And so right now, I'm a soulful business strategist. I'm good at it. I'm spiritual. I love working with spiritual people. But I also had epic dating experiences. And I'm writing a book about the lessons that came from a year of dating and having a lot of sex and just living my life as a 32 year old, 33 year old woman. So, I mean, a lot of things are gonna happen in my life. A lot of things are gonna change. Like, I see myself as a speaker. I see myself working with big groups of people, and I'm fucking rolling with it. Like, as each thing comes, I'm like, yes, yes. Like, yes, this feels good. No, that's not in alignment. And it's gonna look massively different in 10 years.

And all the people said amen. Oh my God, that was so like, rewind, pause, rewind about two minutes and listen to that just monologue gets slayed because that was fucking beautiful. And.

And it's true, you know, for girls like you and I that grew up the way that we grew up, we very easily could have put us up, put ourselves in a box.

Mm, totally.

And you and I are very similar in the fact that you will not put us in a box. And if we. If it means pivoting four times, that's just what we do. Because we can do all the things. All the things. And speaking things. I love that you have put together an amazing event that's coming to Arizona March 7th. So let's talk about all the things with Regina Lawrence.

Yeah. So like we talked about earlier, I am still pretty new to Arizona, and when I moved here, I really intentionally decided that as I build a business here, I'm gonna build a business that I love. I'm gonna co create and I'm gonna collaborate with people. Not because. Because I have a soul connection to them and I love them. And I either want to have a coffee with them or talk business or everything in between. Right? And so being here, I have met really the most epic, incredible business owners. You being one of them. Like, I am meeting these beautiful people all the time, and I'm looking at the community here, and I'm sure you guys can tell I'm no bullshit. I say it like it is. And I'm so.

And that's why I love her, y'.

All. I'm so tired of going to events that are labeled as business. And we are just Hyping each other up the whole time. I'm all about motivation. I'm all about like, like raising the energy and raising the vibration. But as entrepreneurs and business owners, there are tangible action item things that we can be doing. If people just, just lifted up the fucking veil and said, this is what I'm doing, this is how I'm doing it. It's not always fun, it's not always fucking unicorns. I literally probably didn't even brush my teeth today. Right. Like, you know, and I want people to be honest about that. So I decided, what if I put together an event with all of these beautiful souls that I've had the privilege of connecting with this year, and it's all people who will speak their truth, who've built businesses who had really fucking hard times and aren't gonna lie about it and say they're on a beach in Bali living their truth, like 24, 7. You know what I mean?

Yes.

And so I looked at all of my friends here and I was like, let's create an event. Let's have a one day workshop where people can come, we can talk about all the different things, all the things business people can actually leave and be like, wow, I can actually take action in my business. There's this book I can read, there's this coach I can reach out to and work for the Enneagram. There's this man who does branding and marketing and he's worked with Louis Vuitton and Vouve Clicquot. Like, I want to learn marketing from him, you know. And so March 7th, we're having an event at the Vintage in Arcadia, Phoenix, and it's going to be a whole day workshop from some of the best of the best people that I've met in business to really lift the veil and say, this is how, this is how we've done it. And also a pivot in this is that being an entrepreneur is not for everyone. We're living in a time where everybody's like, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm this, I'm that. I also want this event to give people permission to say, holy shit, I don't want to do this. And like, that's cool. Like, this can be a hobby or a side thing that I do that just brings me joy. But I don't need to leave my nine to five. I get value in that and I can do something on the side. So I wanted to do both. I wanted to educate and I also wanted to be a massive hall pass to say, nah, this shit's not for me. And I'm okay with that.

God, I fucking love you. And I love this. And I'm so honored that you have included me in that beautiful community of real ass people speaking truth and the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. And I love that it isn't just the hype squad, because I'm over it. And honestly, if the. If the economy takes a turn, all these entrepreneurs are gonna be working at Starbucks anyway if they really don't have a handle on what their soul's calling is and having the courage to say, this is my truth. Right. Because that's the only thing that will sustain us, I think, is our truth and living it. My girl, you are such a gift to my life. I know that. All of you listening right now. My heart's racing. I had to take some clothes off as I was listening because I'm all fired up. I'm 50 shades of fired up, y'.

All.

And go follow Regina Lawrence on the gram and all the things you definitely like. I listened to her and she is an old soul. I mean, she looks like she could be a teenager. She's so damn pretty and cute, but her soul is very wise and loving and powerful. She's all the things. And so if you are in Phoenix or I'm here to tell you, March is the month that sold me on Phoenix. I literally came out in March having no idea that I would be packing up my shit a month later. I know you guys want to come out March 7th. Regina, where can they find information on you working with you, coming to the event? All the things.

So my website is reginalaurence.com and there's a link on there for the event. There's a link about my coaching and what I'm doing. And then on Instagram. I spend a lot of time on Instagram and it's. And it's ginaalaurence.

You guys, I hope this landed on your heart. I learned something from this beautiful woman every time I'm around her. And I know that she just tapped on your heart right now and spoke some truth that, you know, what the girls on Instagram aren't telling you or the guys on Instagram aren't telling you. This is no filter, no bullshit, which is why I fucking love her. And if. If this has resonated with you, it'd mean a lot to us that you take a screenshot right now or if you're driving, you know, go do it later because we know, we know we would love to hear what's working for you in this conversation and even what's not, like we might have pissed you off and said like they're fucking crazy, that's okay too. I want to hear all of the.

Things.

All the things. And Regina is a good example that we can do all the things in our life. And thank you for leading the way for me for the areas that that have scared me the most. Even though I could be your mama.

You know, you teach me something and I'm so humbled to call you friend and all the things. So I just love you. Thanks for being on and I love you.

Thank you so much. I love you and I'm so thankful to be able to be here and share this platform with you. It's amazing.

You're awesome, you guys. All her information is in the show notes. Take a screenshot, share it with us. Let us know what landed on your heart so we can bring you more of that. Love you girl.

Love you too.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.

Sam.