25: How facing your flaws might help you find your greatest strengths with Lindsey Schwartz (Enneagram 9)

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Foreign.

Welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And today's episode is definitely one that I know a lot of you need to hear. You know, we live in the world of, you know, Instagram filters and everything's fine, I'm fine. It's all great. Fine needs feelings inside, not expressed. By the way, I never use the word fine anymore. And today's guest, we're going to be really touching on something that, you know, a lot of you are probably in the closet struggling with people pleasing. Yep, I said it. I know. I am a recovering people pleaser as well. I grew up in a home where I needed to do that to be safe. And our guest has a couple decades under her belt of people pleasing and she has overcome that. The other thing that comes with really recovering and overcoming people pleasing is it kind of gives you permission to fully show up as yourself and shine. And I know, I see y' all on the gram. It will allow you to step into your gifts that you were called to do. Your special gifts, not Susie on Instagram's not, you know, the booty popping chick over there. Like, no, no, no, this is, this conversation is going to give you so much freaking permission to just show up in all your glorious self, whatever that looks like for you. And I'm here to tell you there when I finally did that, like, the zero fucks given quotient really like upped itself. And I've never felt more free in my life when I let go of people pleasing and stepped into whatever I was designed to be by God. And our guest today is somebody I've known for, gosh, what is it, five or six years now, personally. And I remember the first time I met her, I was like, holy shit, who is this beautiful? I mean, looking at her. She's beautiful, but her soul and the way she speaks is so captivating and not in a manipulative way, but there's a calmness about her. And you guys know I'm pretty damn intense. Naturally, as an enneagram8, I'm going to cough right now. So.

Still here, you guys, this is real life. But as an enneagram 8, I'm naturally intense. And when I was first around Lindsay Schwartz, I felt this calmness, not just from her, but she immediately brought that calmness into my own body. And that is not something that came easy to me because of a life filled with trauma and always being on guard. And when I was in her presence, I immediately was able to put some walls down. And for somebody like me, that is not an easy task. So I knew I was in the company of greatness the first time I met her. And then as I've gotten to know her and watch her really evolve, I've watched her people please for a long, long time. And I could see the pain in her eyes. And she would smile her way through it, just like all of us. Like, I know you are. I know I've done it. She smiled her way through it. And yet I could feel this nagging calling on her life. And like a trooper, she would carry on. And then I saw her doing really scary shit, like writing a book like, oh, my gosh, what will people think? You know, when you're a people pleaser and you put shit in print, you can't take it back, right? And what are people gonna say? And she did it. She did it. And she wanted to create a movement called the Powerhouse Women. And I know all of you listening, and you boys too, you support our powerhouses. I know you do. I hear you. After her book, she created a community because, you know, when we are entrepreneurs and people pleasers, it can feel pretty lonely, right? And so this movement was created to let everybody know that, you know, we're not meant to do business or life for that matter, alone. And so after the book came, you know, the community, and then came the event. And what is it, like, the third or fourth one this year?

This will be the fourth. Yeah.

Unbelievable. Here in Arizona. So you all are going to want to come to Arizona in September. It's a great time of year to come. And the podcast and now masterminds and all sorts of things. So, you know, what she realized is in this people pleasing and we'll get into this is until she let go of that, she was not going to be Able to do what she was called to do. And I know all a lot of you need to hear this conversation today. I know it's scary. She's going to tell you how scary it was. She's an enneagram 9, so she's naturally wired to people. Please. Anyway. And how when a nine steps into their best and healthiest self, how her Yoda qualities come out. Like, you Nines are like the Yodas of the Enneagram and the kings and queens of the Enneagram. And so when you're able to put that behind you, amazing things happen. And you're going to hear how Lindsay has done just that. Lindsay Schwartz. Hello, my love. Hi. I'm so happy you're here.

I could not be happier to be ending my day with you and this conversation. And it brings me. It literally, like, fills my body with so much warmth and love to think back. I will never forget the exact place and time that we finally, like, met in person for the first time. And you poured that greatness into me. You've been such a big influence in my life, seeing me for my potential before I even saw it myself. So. So thank you so much for just having me here because it's such a gift to share space with you.

I remember the first time. I think you were wearing a yellow dress, if I'm not mistaken.

The first time, I absolutely was like.

I'm so attracted to yellow, but never wore it. And there's a whole other story there. I'll save for another time. But I remember I knew who you were, but I hadn't really met you. And you stepped on stage and I can't remember who I was sitting by, but you opened your mouth and started speaking. And I'm like, who the hell is she? This is amazing. I'm like, oh, like. Like the next Oprah. Like, just that ease and just grace. And, you know, that was what, five, six years ago? That. That. I think that was five years ago. That.

I want to say it was even more like six, because a time hop just came across or like a Facebook memory recently, like, within the last year. And it put that timestamp. So, yeah, it feels like a lifetime ago, given how much I've. How much has changed. And a lot of that is what we're going to dig into. But I have so much love for that girl. That version of me when I look back, like, she had no idea what was in store.

I love that you say that because, you know, I work with a lot of people and they will come to Me. And they're like, can you fix me? Can you help me, you know, get unbroken? And I love that you just shared that, because I often tell people, including myself, you know, I stare every day when I'm doing these podcasts. I'm staring at a picture of me when I was four years old. And, you know, there have been some hard times in our life and really great times, and we needed that version ourselves of ourselves for those times. And when people tell me, like, fix me, I'm broken, or there's something wrong with me, I'm like, no, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong with you. This is who you needed to be to take you to the next level. And, you know, at that time, you were polished and saying all the beautiful, eloquent things, but I could feel in you that it didn't feel. I mean, it was you at the time, Right? It's kind of like, we don't know what we don't know. Right? We can go on autopilot. You know, as an enneagram9, you're wired to do that. Right. And I could feel like there. There was this inner calling, like, this is great. And I know that there's something more for me. Right? And I know there's a lot of people listening right now who are feeling that. So what would you say you needed to really not just overcome, but figure out what the next course of action was before you moved from that to this?

Yeah.

That is a great question, because I had no freaking clue. No freaking clue. And I think in life.

Gosh, I sound like I'm such. I'm like an old woman now telling this tale. I feel like this is what I'll say to my grandchildren in life. Grandchildren, you know, we get opportunities. And sometimes those opportunities come in different packages. I think, especially if you resonate with Tracy and you're listening to this, chances are you probably are feeling some of the same. Maybe you know what your calling is, maybe you don't. But I always just knew that I had this insatiable drive to contribute and to achieve. In fact, when I took the Enneagram, I was pissed because I was sure I was a three, which, Tracy helped me understand the tie in which we'll get to later. But I just have always felt like I was here to do something big, and then what was actually happening at the time. And I think back to the girl in the yellow dress on stage, like, first, like, major, kind of like, speaking opportunity. And I felt. I remember being up on that stage, and I felt like yeah, like, this feels good. This feels like at home. I actually feel more comfortable the more people who are in an audience. And that was new for me. It was like this new experience of myself getting to make an impact on a bigger scale. And it terrified me, quite honestly, because here's what was.

Go ahead, Go ahead.

Yeah. So much of what we're going to talk about and understanding now, maybe more how I'm wired, but here's where I was in life. And I think this might speak to someone who's listening. I knew that I could operate at 70% of my potential, and it would look on the outside like other people's hundred. And that was a really safe place to hang out, because in that former, you know, life and company that we met each other in, you know, I would get the awards, I would get the recognition. And deep down, there was a part of me was like, this little inside voice that was screaming for someone to pay attention to. Like, don't you bitches know I have so much more to give? No one is calling me out, like, calling me into my greatness, because it was like, wow, you're so amazing. Like, look at you guys, you're doing this. And I was like, I am not nearly scratching the surface. Like, I am so not even getting uncomfortable. And it was fine until. It wasn't. Until it was literally eating away at me that I was not fully stepping into my potential. Now, I could have done that in that other business. I could have challenged myself differently. But what happened was.

It was just this feeling of restlessness. And I think that's something we need to pay attention to when we feel it. Sometimes it's a. We want to escape something. But this was very different. This was. I know that I meant for more, and I was looking for the opportunity to exercise that. And what happened was someone, like, approached me about writing a book, which was not the thing that I was ever meant to do. In fact, I had a blog. At that point, if you're thinking to yourself, you did. We never knew about it because I had a blog for three years and. And I published one article per year. I had three articles on this blog. No one read them except for my own mother, which, because I was so afraid, like, being wired as, like, afraid of what people were going to think and afraid of all the opinions that could come my way. So it had me create this life that just was. I thought, was safe, and it was literally eating me alive. So, like, if you can resonate with that feeling of knowing that you're playing your 70%. And it feels so uncomfortable, but yet safe. The only way to find what you're actually capable of is to throw yourself into something that you have no business doing. Like, there's nothing about it that felt safe for me. And it literally changed me. Like, actually making the commitment to write that book and like, cry my way through a year of writing and actually facing all the things that got in my way in other areas is what ultimately changed the game for me.

I got complete, total body goosebumps when you said, I knew that I could operate at 70% and my potential of my potential. And on the outside, it would look like other people's 100%. Like, that's a Holy shit. Taking personal inventory. And our ego really likes that we can operate at 70% and get all the accolades and Atta Girls and all that shit.

Like.

Like our ego loves us and wants to keep us there. And as an enneagram9, it would have been very easy for you to stay there. The other thing that. You know, it's funny that you felt at home on a stage using your voice, which is not typical for a. Typical for most nights. But writing three blogs was scary. Most people hide behind words on posts and blogs, but most people would be terrified to be on a stage. Yeah, that was. Was that because this has been your calling, or do you think that nobody could document your words like they could a blog or what was it, do you think?

Yeah, gosh, let me even just unpack that. Cause I've never actually questioned myself on that. Well, they both felt uncomfortable, to be honest. I think. And maybe this is part of my nine. There's a part of my heart that just craves to connect with people. I'm actually an introvert, yet I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of love for human beings that I don't know that translates as, well, writing. So I feel like there's a part that I can express. And actually, now that I'm thinking about this, I get the immediate feedback of whether or not they're resonating with it. And even at one point, I would even say, like, do they like me? Like, if I make them laugh, like, that's that immediate validation where you don't get that putting writing out there. So maybe that's it.

Well, and the other thing about the. One of your superpowers as a 9 is you're super inclusive. Like, this is why you creating the powerhouse women is so your zone of genius. And that inclusive quality of the nines, like, that is. Yeah, it does make sense why on a stage, you are getting immediate feedback that. Yes, yes, okay, good. I'm pleasing them. Right?

Like, do you get how funny I am? Because you didn't laugh in the back there, sir. There have been a few of those, but, like, in general, yeah, I just feel at home getting to speak to a group of 5 or 500. 5,000. And I wonder if that's why. Yeah, it feels like I'm one of them. I'm just sort of, like, speaking for the group.

Makes a lot of sense. You enneagram Nines listening. Seriously, like, your voice and your opinion matters, because I know that's like the biggest fear of a nine. And when you actually use it, you are Yoda. So. And listening to you, like, it's no surprise. So to take yourself off the stage, which is actually where you felt good to going into a creative cave for a year to write a book and, you know, not getting that immediate feedback, not knowing if, like, this is going to be a shit show or not writing this book. What kind of like, you know, the caterpillar to the butterfly is kind of what I am envisioning in that process for you because you were, like, kicking and screaming trying to get out of that cocoon, and you're almost probably trying to rush it, Right? I think we do that a lot of times. We try to rush our way out of the cocoon, and our wings may not be strong enough, but you sat in that thing for a whole year doing it. What was the metamorphosis like? And the highs and the lows? Because, you know, the book is so glamorous, right? And it's torture.

It's so messy. Okay, so I actually love that you asked this question because for my fellow nines, or even anyone who, regardless of your number. Shit. We all go through this, like, that path to. I know. I meant for more. And even, like, I always tell people, like, when you see a glimpse of someone, if you feel envy, if you feel. And sometimes we judge ourselves for having those feelings and, like, just allowing ourselves to say, why does that person resonate with me? Like, why do I feel like I want. Why are they showing up on my radar? Why is their light attracting me, even if it makes me judge myself, is to say, like, there's something in that for me. I see part of myself in them. And so although that wasn't my experience with the book, it wasn't like, I read a book and I was like, oh, I could have that. I literally. Okay, so here's what happened. And this Is the lesson for everyone is.

So first and foremost, someone called me on my shit. A woman actually approached me about writing this book and said, you know, this could be a powerful tool to establish yourself as an expert in health and fitness. And at that point, I had been thinking a lot about.

What my actual calling was, and I was feeling less and less passionate about working one on one with people in terms of health and fitness. Because what would happen is I would sit across from these people, and, Tracy, you've been in so many of these conversations. And I would ask them questions like, what do you want out of your life? Like, what is really. What are you on this planet to do? And they would say, well, gosh, I'm inspired. Inspired by what you've created here with your business. But I don't think that's for me. What I would. Why I always thought would be cool is. And they would ultimately end up telling me, you know, this idea for a business or a passion project or something that they saw a need for. And I would hear it. We probably all have these people in our lives, and you're like, holy crap. Yeah, someone needs to create that. But then in the next breath, they would tell me why they weren't ready or why they were scared or why they didn't know enough or didn't know the right people. And I would find myself time and time again having these, like, looking them in the eye, grabbing their hands, and saying, that's how we all feel. That is exactly what it feels like to step into something that's bigger than you. And so I shared this with the woman on the phone who said, you should write a book. I said, I wouldn't. First of all, I'm not writing a book. No, thank you. But if I did, right, there's my higher self talking. But if I did, I think women need to hear this side of entrepreneurship and that we're all actually struggling. Like, you know, we're comparing ourselves to the highlight reel version of someone else's life. But that feeling of crap, am I the one to do this? Is actually how, you know you're going in the right direction. So I say this to this woman on the phone, and she called me on it. She goes, lindsey, if you don't write that book, who's going to? And there was this little part of me, I think, when we get quiet enough, when we're finally over ourselves and over doing things the way we've done them, another voice has an opportunity to come through, and it's the one that's always trying to get our attention, if we pay attention to it. And it's the one that was like, look, bitch, you keep asking for. You keep asking for an opportunity to be stretched to make a difference. Like, here's another one. A few years ago, I bought all the equipment to start a podcast. Never did right as a nine, I was like, waiting for that. Like the. It was like the nine balancing with probably like a one wing of, like, wanting it to be the perfect environment to do that. And I finally. It was like that breaking point where I was like, fuck it, enough is enough. Like, I'm gonna. I remember walking out of the office because I told my husband, Elliot, I was like, yeah, this woman wants to talk to me about writing a book. I mean, obviously I'm not going to. And then I walk out of the room and I go, so I'm writing a book. And you know Elliot. And he's like, yeah, awesome, of course you did. But so then what I did, and this is critical, especially if you know yourself well enough to know that perfectionism will kill your big dream or being around people who aren't going to call you into your greatness is going to kill your growth. Because what was happening is I could stay at that 70% because I was surrounded by people who thought my 70 was like their 150% right. There was no one who was like, you're not fooling anyone. I see you. You have so much more to give.

I would have. Right.

Well, exact. Well, but so why I felt. I felt seen by you. I actually felt very uncomfortable around you at that point because it was like you could see me. And I was like, shit. I don't like how that feels.

Right.

So makes perfect sense now, thinking about it. So I put. I paid money because to me, that was the one thing no matter how much I wanted to quit. And I actually tried to quit a few times. And then I thought about having a conversation with Elliot saying I invested two grand in this writing program and now I'm just not going to do it anymore. It just doesn't really work for my life right now. Like, at the point where I knew I was about to quit, I had to be so invested in getting over my own shit that no matter how I literally ugly cried, I've never actually had a panic attack in my life, but that was the closest I've ever experienced to, like, physically feeling like someone was suffocating me. It was like everything in my old identity was fighting tooth and nail for me to stay the same person. As I was. But here's the other thing. So, number one, I invested and I created accountability that would not allow me to fail. Second thing is, I'm like, oh, what was my second thing? It was really good. Hold on. It'll come back.

The.

You know, the funny thing about going through that whole process and having plenty of other big ideas I'd given up on is I kept just asking, what if I already knew what it looked like to keep playing at 70%? So I asked myself a better question. What could happen? What if you just finish this?

And it literally changed my life. Did that even answer your original question?

You know, I don't even know, but it was so good. So for those of you listening, you can pause and rewind about five minutes, as the last five minutes were such gold. And. And I think what so many of us need to hear, like, we hear it's just a decision, and yes, it really is.

But there's a whole thing.

There's a whole big mind fuck that comes with that decision.

Yeah.

And, you know, and then we go to work to, like, fuck it up and sabotage it or play small or that, you know, that thing like your environment will either push you or paralyze you. Right. And I think playing at 70%, where everybody was like, yay, girl, yay. I know probably 90% of you listening right now are playing that fucking game, and it is dangerous. You know, when my son was little, I always played him up a level or two in sports because the one year he had to play at his level in high school was the worst year he'd ever played. Because, you know, you play to your. You perform to your environment. And so I applaud you for staying in the messy of it. And I mean, you were clawing your way through that and fighting everything that you'd conditioned yourself for 30 something years to. To be. Do, show the world. And I can't imagine you not doing what you're so gifted at doing today.

Because, you know, when you're a trailblazer and you.

Show other people how it's done.

That, like, not only does that feel really good and not from a place of ego at all. And I know the reason that you do what you do. And whenever anybody asks me why I do what I do, it's. It's because I would have died for somebody like me to show me the way 20 something years ago. Yeah, I would. And I know that's what gets you up every day. It. What? It's what, you know, when that nine and you Wants to say, let's just be quiet over here. And your Yoda 9 comes in and says, I got this. You know, we're gonna include everyone. This will be great. And I know the internal battle that that comes. So, you know, you make the decision, and it's messy and all those things, but then it's like, okay, now what does it look like actually to fully show up and shine in my gifts? Because if you're like me and Lindsay, you may not know what the hell that is because you've masked it for so long or people pleased over it for so long or whatever it for so long. So how did you know what it was you were actually stepping into was your authentic, true self? How did you know?

Yeah. So again, I love this question because I thought it was supposed to look so different. So I wrote the book just thinking, like, this will be a personal win, that I'll just be able to say, I did. I was, like, fully happy building the business that I was building. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine ever doing anything different.

And I believe that the answer to that question is if we are willing to step into the unknown and the scary things and then just allow that process to work on us and allow anything that shows up along our way to be for us, whether for a positive, for a negative, like, to refine us. Because we haven't even really gotten into getting over the people pleasing. I was still really deep in people pleasing at this point. So I really want you to know, like, this has been. This has been such a journey, but that was refinement. Yeah.

Like, let's touch on that. Because it's one thing to say I'm no longer people pleasing. And no, it doesn't work that way. Because the first time, you don't air quote people, please. Because you've conditioned the people in your life to accept that you're a people pleaser. It comes with a lot of backlash.

Yeah, right. Yeah. I had a lot of people conditioned that I would accommodate their needs. And so this perfectly ties in even to what I was saying. I was delivered the exact right people to show me how I didn't want to be anymore.

And then I was delivered the biggest gift that I've ever been given in the messiest way. I never would have wanted. Had you asked me if this is what I wanted, to be delivered into my life, I would have been like, hell, no. And looking back, it's truly the greatest gift that I've ever been given, which is, as I was starting to step into this light.

So part of people pleasing and maybe being a nine, which is like wanting peace, is I always wanted to like, downplay any credit, even to the point people ask, why the Powerhouse Women event, which is like what we're known for, this is why it started. My publisher said you should do a book launch event. And I said, event all about me. No thanks. Why don't I put on a women's event and have it be about the message of the book? Do you notice how I even call it the book? I don't say my book. Yeah, I, like, I can't undo it now because I've called it the book for so long, which is all perfect because again, this entity was meant to exist. It's all. It's all for me. And then I distinctly remember once you get over like that first, like putting yourself in the fire, you get a little ballsy and you're like, yeah, how can I get uncomfortable again? And like, because that it hurt, but it grew me. So I distinctly remember praying at the beginning of 2018, and I said, show me what's in the way. Show me whatever is in the way of you using me to your full. Like, totally not ready for the answer. Because what was delivered was a lesson that showed me. And it was through like some judgment, some criticism that came my way that felt very, like a very personal attack. It felt very much like not. Not at all true to my character and.

Actually showed me how.

I put everything. Like I literally had everything tied to my reputation.

Like the true heart of people pleasing tendencies, which I don't identify as being a people pleaser. I have deep rooted people pleasing tend. That's not me.

I love that you said that, by.

The way, because all of us are just tendencies and coping things. Like, I love that you said that.

And this is what helped me see that. So I really got a chance to come face to face with what I thought my deepest fear was, which is I was what I thought at the time putting my authentic self out there. It was misinterpreted and actually like turned against me as you're full of shit. It's, you know, just like some. Some pretty harsh criticism spread to other people in my community, like just from, you know, a place where it really hurt to like receive that criticism. And it was interesting because, like, as a. As a nine, the first thing I wanted to do was kind of go on a maybe like, reputation PR cleanup campaign. Like, if you hear this, this isn't, you know. But there was something in me that said, you Asked for the lesson, now sit in it. So I actually chose to just deal privately and actually like, not, not confront the situation. I responded with love from the source of it. Still not really understanding. And then for I kid you not, this was over a three month journey of silently, like, taking myself on, of, like, why does this hurt so much? It, like, hurt to a personal level that I, like, was uncomfortable that one person had that much control over how I saw myself. Like, it made me question myself. So I did the deep personal work of, well, first of all, what responsibility can I take? And the truth is, as much as I wanted to say I am so authentic with this person, all of my relationships literally came into view at that moment where I said, wow, how well is it working for me to ask Every, every interaction runs through a filter of who do I need to be so that this person likes me? That's not fun to see about yourself.

No, but that's how you change it.

And so I was able to say, like, yep, all right, I got some stuff to own because, yeah, I like, literally. And it was. I couldn't ever pinpoint who I needed to be for that individual, which actually made it messier. Right? So it was like I saw everything that there was for me to take responsibility for and in this process had to actually say, would I be okay if. Let's say even like, let's say this is true, let's say other people buy into this as true. Do I like me? Do I like me? And while of course there's things that like, I am always working on, at the end of the day, it was the most beautiful process to come to a place of saying, even if everyone else in my life bought into this, I would then really look at like, oh, really, am I an asshole? Like, all these people, one person says it great, but like, I actually, like, love me. I love who I am. And this is for the people pleasers. I thought I had to become less of a people pleaser to be successful. I thought I had to care less. So, like, I love, at the beginning you said, you have no fucks to give. I thought I had to actually step. I thought I had to find that when truly I care, I care deeply.

Sometimes I care too much about the wrong thing, which is when I get hurt. But actually the fact that I care and it's authentic to my core is what has made me so successful. So I came to this beautiful realization that I don't have to become less of who I am. I didn't even have the technology Imagine if I would have had you in my life to say, like, Lynns, like, it's not a big deal. Like, this is just your unhealthy. This is your superpower. It's your unhealthy. But, like, I came to this realization on my own, which you were able to, like, give me actual tools and technology to describe as I was like, you know what? That part that kind of effed me over because I was too. I was. I was putting too much weight in the opinions of others because I care actually is the flip side of what is my greatest strength. Like, I actually do give a fuck. I give a lot of them.

Yes.

It's just, where do I give them? Where am I giving my power to them. So if you like, if you're like me and you're like, wow, do I have to become more.

Like, your strength really comes from, like, you actually don't give a fuck. No, mine comes from. I do. It's something for me to manage.

Right. Beautiful.

Did that make sense?

Beautiful answer. And yes, that is your superpower. The superpower of you personally and Enneagram Nines is they actually do care. And that's like. Like you said and just discerning. But what am I giving the power to? And the other thing that you said that is really, really, really, really important for you guys listening is when she looked in the mirror and really realized that the things, the external things that were really backlashing her, coming at her, saying the things about her, whatever the things were. The fact that she asked, why does this hurt so much? Is her getting to the root of this? Because if she just brushed it off and moved on, guess what's going to show up tomorrow?

Same package, different wrapping paper. Right. And so I love the fact that you owned your part. It's the only way. Right. It always takes two or three or whatever. You know, there's always both sides. And why does this hurt so much? So Lindsay could really understand, like, okay, where's this rooted? Like, these roots are freaking deep. Because this, kids, this is happening when I'm stepping into my greatness. This is happening for a reason. Yeah. Did you figure out why it hurt so much? Is it because you just cared?

So.

It wasn't even so much the judgment of me. It was. Was that. Is that person who feels that way because I can deal with one person's, you know, interpretation. It was, is this now going to go and tarnish my reputation with others? And I actually. So my work was to trust that who I am authentically enough that if someone tried to because of their. And that. Here's the deal. That is actually how I show up in that person's life. You and I talked about this on. When I interviewed you for my show. As a nine. I don't want to trigger people. I hate it. I actually still it, like, it still is my least favorite part of how I'm wired. That like. Or just the journey that I'm on, knowing that. And this is more like on the flip side of it, now that I've come through that, giving myself permission to fully step into another level and be seen and be in my light.

Knowing that it could bring stuff up for other people and understanding with love that, like, that might just be my role in their life. I hate it. I don't like that at all. Still, to this day, the unhealthy nine in me is like, what can I do to make this better? Do I send, like, a gift basket? Do I, like, send some like. And I just have to even notice when that shows up and be like, it's okay. Like, I literally, like, soothe that part of myself that wants to fix it. Because honestly, how I feel about that relationship is. It was the biggest gift in my life. It truly was. Like, I like, it makes me emotional thinking about it. I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone through that.

And it.

Then again, the caring part of me hates that it actually ruined a relationship in order for me to learn that lesson. So I can only hope that it actually gave that person big of a gift and an insight as it gave me, because it truly changed my life.

And the hard part is that those lessons sometimes leave wreckage. They leave wreckage that there's, like, no going back, right? There's no going back and pretending that that relationship is something different than it is.

That is the hard part about healthy boundaries, about stepping into our calling. And, you know, I know that you know this, and I want everybody to listen to this, because I. This is something that is probably the hardest part of all of this, right? Is, you know, your intention and it was out of love and between you and our maker. Like, at the end of the day, I know that you know that you did it out of love for yourself, which is important first, right? We can only give what we're giving ourselves. Like, can't give what you don't have, right? And if you're not giving love and compassion to yourself, you certainly aren't giving it to other people. You may mask it that way, but let's just be real. Like, you can't give what you don't have. And knowing this because, I mean, I do trigger a lot of people, and I actually really like it. I liked it for the wrong reasons in my unhealthiness before, because it kept me safe. Right? That's for an eight. That's kind of our thing. We like it. Like, if I trigger the fuck out of you, that means you're gonna leave me the hell alone, right Now. I enjoy triggering people because I know that if they choose to take this from the loving space and compassionate space that I'm triggering them from, what's on the other side of it is glorious. And when your unhealthy eeyore9 is chirping at you like, let's send a gift basket. Let's make this right, you know, the Yoda part can be like, you know what this is? This is out of love. And understanding that however they choose, because they have a choice to. However they choose to receive it or not receive it is none of our business. They're on their own journey and their own process, and we're part of the story, whether they like to see that or not. And the good news is, you know, when we can really look in the mirror like you did, like, what's my part? Is this out of love or fear? Because it's one of the two.

Right.

Everything we do is either out of fear or love. If we know it's out of love, then we can have high involvement to the process, but a low attachment to how it's received. Yeah, and I love that you're doing that, because what you've created, my Love, is a movement for tons of women to show up in their courage and their bravery, like you have. And I also know, like, because the work I do helps keep me accountable, like, staying in this kind of work, which is my soul's work, like, I had to learn how to communicate, like, authentically and use it and leverage it for the greatest good. I had to, because, like, no, like, I knew how to communicate in the most unhealthy way. It worked. Right? But it was unhealthy for me, and I was. I was screaming inside, too. But what you have done by going first in this community is magical. So the book started. The. The book.

We don't know who wrote it. It's just some random book out there.

The book launch event ended up turning into. Now we're going on the fourth year, this September, the Powerhouse Women event.

Like, how did that happen? Going from book launch to, oh, shit, we've Got a movement here.

Yeah.

And these women are begging for this.

Yeah. What's cool is again, once you do the first brave thing, you're like, I got this. So like, when I felt the fear around planning this event, it was like, oh, cool. When I felt fear before and I was willing to see what was on the other side of it, it worked out really well.

So what's been cool is now I always have that anchor to go back to and like, remind myself that, you know, when it feels that way, that I'm actually going in the right direction. And for me, because I'm leading this movement that's designed to help other women get out of their own way and into action around their big ideas, I have to always be going first. I don't get to go first one time. I always have to be putting myself into the next environment or next, leveling up experience for myself. That makes me literally want to shit my pants. Like so scared out of my mind or like stretched all the things. So.

The book was really geared toward what I was saying. I noticed in other women they had these brilliant ideas and then the only reason they weren't moving forward was because of what they thought their fear or doubt or insecurity meant about how ready they were. So I did have this vision of like, what if we had that conversation again as a 9? Now I'm seeing like, I wanted to bring them all into a room and be like, come, come, let's just like talk this out. And I want you to hear from women who, yes, they're successful, but I don't want them to stand on stage and tell you their five point journey to success because we can see their success on social media. I want them to share like, yep, I ugly cried yesterday because I'm in it too. That's actually what this looks like. And here are some of the things that have helped me get over myself. And so it's grown. I mean, I think that's the cool thing when you actually take the lid off of your own expansion. Everything else where before trying to control it, trying to like, you know, be this full version of myself, but only have to get 70% uncomfortable. Always felt like I was pushing instead of something pulling me when I fully stepped in and was like, well, here we go.

Now. This vision literally just pulls me forward and it's become so much more than I could have ever imagined. And I actually feel part of why I joined the mastermind that you and I are part of. I actually feel it's very hard to like, Put it into words. I feel something so much bigger actually, like physically, like pulling me to stand like taller. I think it's bigger than I even can imagine right now in terms of what this will become for the world. And that's going back to your question about how do you know? You start with what's trying to get your attention right now. For me, it was those conversations with women where finally I was like, gosh, don't people know that this, that. Yeah, you feel scared as shit when you're building a business. Are people not talking about that? And then someone said, no, they're not. You should. And in me I went, no, that's too scary. I don't want to do that. I heard myself saying all the same reasons that I wanted to help other people overcome. So then I created that, the event. I literally did a half day event for this quote unquote book launch. And then women said, when's the next one? And I remember being like, shit, like it wasn't supposed to be the next one. So I waited until February, it was September. Waited till February. The next year, planned the second year, extended it to a full day. I just keep leaning into like what feels freakishly scary. I want to puke out of my mind. Like intimidating, but kind of fun.

It feels kind of exciting and just literally like the more that I test what I can handle, the more I blow my own damn mind as far as. And it's not just me. Like, our mantra is we're not meant to do this alone. Part of this journey for me has been actually allowing others to support this vision too. Because I.

Think that everyone wants to do the same thing as me. And there have been women who said, no, we just want to serve what you're creating. And that was like a whole other thing. But what I'm obsessing over now and what will be the theme of this year's event is something that's showing up all around me. This is my next level of growing in my nineness and getting over people pleasing. Because what I'm realizing is there's been so much success in three years. Meaning it went from just this little side project, wasn't making any money. In fact, it's costing me money to multiple six figure business on its way to seven. That's like weird to even say because that's not. That just was like never the plan. It's very weird. I'm way more comfortable sharing about my insecurities and my doubts and my fears and that that thing that makes people feel Like, I'm one of them. Than I am saying, hey, I actually know how to grow a business, and I've, like, figured some things out, and here. Here is, like, how successful this has become. And I got this text message. This is, like, for my nines out there, of someone actually acknowledging my growth. And it pissed me off. And it literally said. And it. It was. Because this was. I want to frame this in the right way, because. Okay, I want you to hear. This is how I read it. Oh, it's so great to see you crushing it financially, like, now. That's not actually how it. Do you ever read text messages and you, like, read it in the voice that, like, your insecurities want to hear it through?

Oh, yeah. My inner bitch has such a voice that's like, oh, okay, there she is.

Yeah, Totally not nice, but what was happening? And I said this to you the other day. I had this aha. In a conversation with you. I said, again, I don't like to trigger people. So I now find that my light is triggering some people in maybe my life or my community, because I've stepped into this flow zone where I'm like, you guys, I don't even. Like, this is growing, and these are still people that. Wherever, like, they're on their journey, it's like, oh, I'm gonna make it happen. And they're like, fuck her. Like, how is she? Literally, it's just like, she is doing all the things that I want to do. And so anyway, I don't even know if that's the truth about this person. That's how I read this text message, and I said it to our mutual friend Lori. I was like, yeah. And then she was like, so cool. You're crushing it financially. And Lori, in her beautiful sevenness. Sevenness goes, well, Linds, if I take out the tone that you set them in. I would, like, love if someone sent me that text message, and it was this moment where I stepped back, and I was like, well, I guess I could have added some meaning to that, but I realized, like, wow, I am so uncomfortable with people now seeing the full extent of my light. That's, like, my next thing to overcome as a nine is realizing, like, you know, I'm not serving anyone if I'm not sharing that full side of it. Right? It's the whole, like, notion if we fully allow ourselves to shine, we give other people permission to. And so, like, that theme, like, just being very. Being bold with our gifts and fully stepping into our light is, like, the whole theme around the Powerhouse Women event. And honestly, this is what you guys need to know. It's because I'm still working this shit out for myself. I have nothing handled. I am, like, literally just turning my life into something that if I'm going to go through this discomfort, I hope to God it helps at least one other person, because I think we all need to hear it.

And, you know, I think what you just said is exactly the most important part, because I think in the world we live in today, where the vanity metrics kind of run things, and then we end up doing shit for the wrong reasons, and then we end up unfulfilled, even if it has success, right? And the fact that you just said, I hope this helps at least one person, that is how movements are created. Because it's coming from a place of love. It's coming from a place of, I wish this was there for me 20 years ago or 10 years ago or yesterday. And that's why the Powerhouse Women is what it is today. And that's why it will go on for as long as you feel that it's important to have it going on. You guys get to the event. It's in Arizona here with me and Linds. We both live here. It's fantastic. September and March are my two favorite times a year. And she also has an incredible podcast, the Powerhouse Women Podcast. You know, she's so soothing to listen to, and she just always drops so much information.

So I know that there's still a girl out there.

Thinking, yeah, that's great for her. That's great for her that she was able to do that. I don't know if I have that in me. And what would you say to her right now? Because there's one of them out there. I know for sure.

Yeah, I've been you. And really, it's. You can always choose to find evidence for what you want. If you're looking for evidence for how you're not it, you're not ready. You're going to find it. And the moment you say, but what if. Okay, let's just say this chick in Arizona, if she did it, why can't I? And I think that that's the point, the pivot point, when I.

Always would compare myself to people as ammunition to prove my own deepest fears and insecurities, where those same women show up on my radar now. But now I'm like, ooh, she did it. I guess that means I can. And that took work. It's not overnight. Just know that you can choose to focus on which one you're looking for.

Evidence for my goodness. That was such beautiful advice. And I know that you, like, you live that. So. Something I've been asking people because, you know, sometimes we.

Go around life feeling like we're invincible in some ways and we forget that life is pretty fragile and we're. We're not guaranteed anything. And you know, you know, we just lost Kobe Bryant a couple weeks ago. Like, nobody's untouchable, right? You know, showing up at the front line of our life, like I tell you. But that's what becoming bulletproof is. It's where all the good stuff is. And, you know, Kobe Bryant certainly stood in the front line of his life doing all the things. And when our time is called, our time is called. So one of the things I want to know from you is if your time should be called tomorrow, what would you want people to say about you at your funeral?

I actually think about this a lot. Quite honestly, it's cool to be in a place in life that I'd be like, cool. I would fully go knowing that right now in this season, I'm giving you my all.

This is going to be such a 9 answer.

That when people are around, they feel seen that they always felt accepted. I'm the first to give you a hug. You've been warned. If you're around me, I am a hugger.

And just that, like, I was that person for at least one and I don't need to be that for everyone. That someone said, because she could do it, maybe that means I can too.

Oh, my goodness. Well, you certainly have seen me all the years we've known each other. You have certainly made me feel loved. I want you to know that anytime I've ever been around you, I have felt seen and heard and understood and appreciated. And all the years that I've known you, thank you for allowing me to see you as well, even when I made you nervous.

Because it's so beautiful to have a front row seat to see what you're doing in the world today because Lord knows we need what you've got going on. So I love you. Thank you for having, like, for coming here and spreading your love and gifts to the world. I appreciate you so much.

I could just talk to you all day long. It was such a gift.

Same. I love you.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to I iTunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work.

Let's become bulletproof Sat.