26: The Enneagram and how it can improve your communication

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up, let's go.

It's the case with me, I. I will be completely transparent that I was more concerned with being right and heard than being effective. And did it work? Sometimes, yeah. Did it feel good? Not usually.

Did it have people walking on eggshells? Yeah. Did I like that when I wasn't healthy? You bet.

But to really make a difference in the world, whether it's in your own home or in your business, communication is going to be everything. Because if we can allow people to be seen, heard and understood, progress happens. Whether it's with your kids, your spouse, your business partners, your customers, whatever. And you know, in this episode, I'm going to give you some really great tips based on each Enneagram type areas that you really should be really mindful of. And you know, in my knowledge over the last eight years of the Enneagram and specifically myself, I was like, well, that explains why things didn't land how I intended them. Or that explains why, you know, people would bolt when I walked into a room. That explains, right? And I know that many of you, if you're listening to my podcast, you want the real talk. You're willing to do some work. You're willing to say, you know what, how I've always done things or how I was taught to be a certain way isn't working the way that I want it to. And so I applaud you. And here's the thing, like 80% or more of communication is not the words we use, but the patterns of our speech and the nonverbal ways we communicate. But communication is a two way street between the communicator and the listener. And communication always exists and is interpreted within a context. For example, like the culture of an organization.

You know, the structure of the organization and the history of the individuals involved. There's lots of moving parts in this, but the Enneagrams communication application allows you to really understand how communication styles develop from each type of with both strengths, but also unintended, kind of like hiccups along the way in both the sender and the receiver of communication. Even more, the Enneagram helps honor our communication strengths and minimize the things that throw things off in order to be understood and to understand others more accurately. And it's so. It was so eye opening to me the other day. I was speaking at an event, it was all like high level business women.

And after I gave my talk, I had a question that I've never been asked before, which it says a lot about how far I've come in communicating. Because as you've heard, I am an eight, which is the challenger. And we are. I'm an eight with a seven wing. And that is the biggest, strongest energy of all the types on the Enneagram. And we can be very, very intense, right? And I had just given probably a 30 minute kind of talk and this beautiful girl raised her hand and she said, you know, in hearing everything that you said and how you grew up and the things that you've been through and what you've had to overcome, she said, there is such a beautiful calmness about you and a peace. And she said, as I know that's not natural for you, how did you do that? And it was probably one of the questions that has touched me more than any other question I've ever been asked, to be honest with you, because that's the one that has taken a lot of work. As an 8, I am very intense. Not only that, I'm an 8 with a wing 7, I'm an Aries and I'm Irish. So I pretty much have all the, you know, I'm a fire sign. You know, I've got all the things that make me being a little more quiet, difficult or challenging. It's not my natural go to. And I was so thankful for the question because it just let me know and it reminded me and I received it as the beautiful compliment that it was that I have come so far. Because what I told her was, is I knew the room I was speaking to and I knew the tone in which I needed to deliver a message for you to trust me. And I meant that genuinely. I knew that especially when you're with a bunch of type A, high level professional women, we're all kind of like seeing who's the king and queen of the place. Like, we're kind of like keeping score, believe it or not. And I wanted them to know I was safe and I was. And I could see them and hear them and understand them. And I was really proud of myself too because I can get intense, especially when I'm speaking. I mean the world's our stage, right? And you put me on one and I can be on because I had to be most of my life. But I'm here to tell you that that isn't always effective communication. And it wasn't just about, you know, the words I was saying. It was the tone in which I was using, it was the pace in which I spoke, it was my body language and my eye contact and things like that that we don't always kind of take into account when we're communicating. Like I said, 80% or more of communication is not the words we use.

And so I'm going to kind of go through each Enneagram type right now and tell you what your strengths are, what your challenges are in communication and a tip for you to really be mindful of. And it's funny because in reading the eight I had like I have to remind myself anytime I'm in communication process with anyone that I have to remind myself of this because I can easily go off the grid and off the rails with, with my challenging challenger ness. Right? So let's dive in. If you are an enneagram type one, you know, the reformer, the perfectionist, your strengths in communication are that you're super cordial, polite, honest, thoughtful, poised, well formulated opinions and ideas. No question about it. Like I know without a question of a doubt when I'm talking to a one, you know, they're very thought through with their words. They operate in the instinctual triad. Rarely will you see their anger unless they've repressed it and suppressed it so much because they internalize that. But where the ones can get into trouble with communication when they've had enough, they can be easily irritated. When people aren't living up to the standards, they can be using judgmental words such as should and ought. Like you should do this, you ought to do that. They can become opinionated, visibly display pleasure. So here's a little tip for the ones. If you're a one, something to be very mindful of any time of you're doing communication. And you know, we've got social media, we've got all different ways that we communicate emails, texts. Be more aware of your body language and the message you communicate through non verbal behavior. Like ones can have resting bitch face, right? And when they are like, what did you just say? Like, it's pretty obvious. So be very mindful and really allow yourself to feel into your body when you're communicating with people or even listening, because it's something that will allow you to pause before you go into irritation and judgment and start throwing down opinions that maybe aren't as effective. Right? Because you and I both know when we are throwing down opinions and judgment, rarely are we seeing, hearing, and understanding anybody else but ourselves, right? And the goal is to be effective. Okay? For you twos, the helpers, the givers.

Your strengths are that you listen so carefully. You guys are the empaths on the enneagram, the most natural empaths, I should say. You guys offer assistance, you ask lots of questions, you genuinely care. You are super relational and compassionate. But where you get into trouble and you get challenged because you're overly indirect or you can be too direct, especially if you want to help somebody. That's where, like, the codependency can kind of go in. You can become angry or complaining when tired or upset or if you feel unappreciated or if you're not being heard. A lot of times the twos kind of go off the grid and off the rails when they offer unsolicited advice. And so when I'm talking to twos, I ask them a lot of time to check themselves before they start, you know, being so helpful, right? It's like, are you doing this to get something in return or to believe that, like, that's how you will be respected? Or do you genuinely have no attachment? And if you don't have an attachment, then you're. You're in business, right? So here's a tip or two for the twos, the helpers maintain clear boundaries between you and the other person and. And really be willing to express your feelings more directly, even if you think it's not going to be well received or if you're concerned that it might hurt somebody's feelings, right? If you know you're coming from a place of love, how they choose to receive it really isn't any of your business. And I know for twos, that is so painful and so hard to do, but it's really, really important. That's once a two has healthy boundaries, they're freaking bulletproof, let me tell you. Because not only do they have the compassion and empathy, but when they have boundaries, like, unbelievable, because when you can relate to somebody, you build trust. It's amazing. Okay? Threes, you achievers, I love you. You get things Done. Where your strengths are in communication is you're confident, clear, concrete, efficient, solution oriented. You're enjoyable. You're straightforward. You guys are chameleons. So you can pretty much read the room and know exactly what you need to be to be well received. Whether it's, you know, one on one or you know, in front of 20,000 people. Where you guys kind of go over the cliff is you get impatient.

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Communication. You get impatient with emotional exchanges. You get angry. When you're frustrated. You don't always fully disclose because you live so much as they the chameleon. You kind of lie by omission sometimes. And it's usually it's not even conscious, right? It's so ingrained in you because at the root of you, you believe you have to be on all the time in order to be accepted, loved, all the things. So here's a tip for you threes, the achievers listen to others longer so that they feel heard. Remember I'm always telling you when people feel seen, heard and understood, they will go to the ends of the earth for you. So threes, when you guys are kind of like a bull in the china shop, biting your lip or sitting on your hands or something, listen to others longer so they feel heard. Express yourself in a more completely genuine way. Allow yourself to be transparent without worrying about what people might think. It's really hard for the threes, but the more you can do that, the more impact you'll actually make. Which will have you working smarter, not necessarily harder too. Okay, you fours, the individualists or like romantics, your communication strengths are deep, intense, empathetic. You establish emotional resonance and you are non superficial. You're super curious. You ask really great questions. Where you guys get hung up is that you can be overly intense and that can kind of scare people sometimes. You don't have much of a filter, so you can be moody or remote. You can redirect conversation to self. So like when you're not doing so great, you can kind of like do the one up stories or make it about you. You use words like I, me, mine frequently. And so really taking the time to listen a little bit more than you talk will be something that will build trust and things when you're communicating. So here's some tips for you fours, the individualist romantics de intensify your need for deep connectivity with everyone. Right? Reduce self referencing words and stories. So a small talk for fours is pretty hard. It's kind of painful, but just really allow, you know, really be open to knowing that, okay, this conversation is happening. Not every conversation has to be, like, groundbreaking, deep, intense, right? And you never know what you might learn from somebody, Even if it's, you know, something, a conversation that might not be so deep, right? Okay, you fives, where you're strong in communication, Fives are the investigators. You guys are super respectful, stimulating, interesting, non intrusive. You're subtly amused. You have some dry sense of humor, which I love. And you're super observant. I love getting into conversations with Fives. They're like the walking, talking Google, and they like to share it, right? Or sometimes they don't. They kind of hoard their information when they're scared of, like, not having enough resources. But where a 5 can be challenged in communication, like I said, is the reluctancy to share information or feelings. Their speech is controlled. They have controlled body language. They can be overly brief. And, like, because they're so well versed, sometimes they forget the audience, Even if it's an audience of one that, okay, like, sometimes the way that you communicate can go way over people's heads. So being mindful of that and understanding that, okay, you might have to explain things deeper, right? And you're not going to lose all your energy by doing so. So a tip or two for you fives is to ask more questions, share more of your personal information. And I know that's something that scares a lot of fives is the more you share more personal information, the deeper the connection will be. And actually, you won't use as much energy in communication because you'll have that rapport and worry less about intruding on others. You are here for big reasons, and you have a gift that most of us need. Trust me, you fives have lots of gifts. The world just needs to know about them. For the six, the loyalists, the master troubleshooters, your strengths in communication is that you're complex, inviting, serious, questioning, witty, ironic. You guys like, my goodness, you have the 10 steps that need to happen in order to have greatness. So I love Loyalists. Where you guys can get into trouble is you can be overly reactive in responses, Especially if you feel like you've been blindsided. You can be so excessively skeptical and questioning of others that there's a disconnect. And when things don't go according to your plan, you could become agitated or angry easily. And that, you know, anytime there's disconnection in communication, nobody's effective. And the goal here is to be effective. So some tips for you sixes, you, loyalists, is question others Motives less like, not everybody's out to get you. I tell my sixes to breathe before they react too quickly. Like pause. The power of the pause will be a six's best friend. And trust your own insights more. You don't have to like ask 10 people to be sure. Trust your own insights more. And know that if things shouldn't go according to plan, you're gonna be just fine. More than fine, you're gonna be great. Because you probably have like a 10 step plan behind that anyway. So trust it some more. All right, Sevens, your strengths, you enthusiasts. I love having conversations with seven. My daughter, like you've heard me say, is a seven. They keep things fun, light hearted, fast paced, lively, engaging. They're great storytellers, exciting stories, upbeat, talkative. They are the life of the party.

Where they can get into trouble. Where sevens get challenged is they tell overly long stories. It's like, all right. Especially to an 8. It's like, all right, bottom line me, they can be hard to follow in a sequence, like a linear sequence. It's like squirrel, squirrel, squirrel. They're the ones probably those of you or your Instagram. Stories can go on and on and on and on and on, and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you really want to be effective in your communication as a seven, you know to maintain your focus will be.

Sevens can become easily distracted and talk so quickly. Like when my sister is or when my daughter is amped up and talking so fast, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Like I'm missing all of that. So some tips for you Sevens, like, don't stop your storytelling because stories are what connects us all and you guys are the greatest storytellers. But what you should probably work on is listening until others have completely finished what they're saying. You guys can tend to be interrupters, sometimes tell a little fewer stories, but ask more questions. And when you ask more questions, you will know the exact story to tell that will drive a deeper connection, that will have a bigger impact and will have your communication more effective. And that's the end goal, right? All right, my fellow challengers, you eights. Where we are strong in communicating is we are candid, we are direct, we are authoritative, we are straightforward, we are action oriented, we are decisive. And there is no question about that. You know, when an 8 is commanding a room, you know it, right? Because it's like, oh, shit, we're about to handle things, right? But where eights really get hung up and challenged is they can become so commanding and demanding and challenging and dismissive of others.

And they can be kind of judgmental.

Eights also can become deeply angry quickly. And, you know, when an 8 is operating from this place of demanding, yeah, you might get people to do what you want to do, but as far as sustainability, it's not going to be there and you will lose respect. And again, if you're not seeing, hearing, and understanding people.

Long term, you're going to get burnt out because you're going to have to continue to rally the troops. So when that beautiful woman said to me, like, you have the sense of calmness, the message stuck a lot stronger because I wasn't so intense. Now I can pull that intense fuck you card when I need to, right? As an 8, I can, but I don't need to as often, right? Because here are the tips for the eight. Listen, even to those whom you may not respect.

Explain your thinking and instinctual reactions more fully. Instead of just being like this, you know, cannon going off, like, really explain your thinking. And it's. It's amazing. The more that I communicate my train of thought and. And how my intensity used to play out, it was always coming from a place of insecurity and fear, of vulnerability. And the more I'm able to tap into this softer and equally, if not more, stronger part of me. Like, I'm not operating from a place of insecurity or protection all the time. I'm inviting people into my. I'm inviting good conversation in. I'm inviting intimacy in by being approachable. And again, like, I want to be effective. I don't need to be right. I don't need to be the strongest, most powerful person in the room. Because quite honestly, when I'm like this, I'm sometimes even more powerful than the one screaming at the top of their lungs. Right? Effective is the key. All right. Lastly, the Nines are peacemakers. Your strengths in communication. Oh, my gosh, I love you guys. You're so relaxing and open, inclusive, affirming. Like, if you see somebody sitting outside of a circle, you bring them in. You're so supportive, you establish rapport easily. So you're the one who can really bring group activities together. Where you guys get hung up, though, is your low expression of feeling intensity, not forthcoming of your own opinions or perspectives. You guys are the king and queens of saying the thing like, I don't care. Whatever you want. Like, no, that's not effective communication. Your opinion matters, and so does your perspective. And so something you can work on as a nine is to share your own thoughts and feelings sooner recognize that you're saying, uh huh indicates agreement. I love when I know I'm talking to a nine. And you know, because as an eight, I pretty much can have an opinion about everything. And knowing when I'm with a 9 specifically, I'll always ask for their opinion. And sometimes they're resistant to it, right? Because they're so used to shutting down their own opinions and feelings and so really forcing them in a loving, compassionate way that their opinion and perspective is important to me because the Nines are like the Yodas of the Enneagram, when they can trust that that matters, like their opinions and everything matters. So you can see.

I want you to know that when you are able to really tap into the strengths of your communication style based on your Enneagram type and really being constantly aware of how you might be perceived, you won't be as drained. When I was like Miss Intense, Crazy Irish Aries, Unhealthy Challenger, I was exhausted all the time. I really, really was. It's like, that's a lot of energy to output all the time. And I'm here to tell you this, the more that you can lean in and really.

Pause, like for any of these types to pause and really be mindful.

You will not exude or you will not use up all your energy. You will not walk away from conversations drained and exhausted. I actually end up more fueled in conversation now because I've learned how to effectively communicate. And like I said, whether you're in or in your home, leading in your home like these, understanding yourself is so, so important. You know, I've told you before, I'm raising a two and a seven. And especially when I'm dealing with a two, if I am in all my very intense energy, what I can do to a 2 is pretty devastating. And it was for a while. And like, that doesn't ever feel good. It really, really doesn't. And you know how to communicate in business. And I can talk to all types in a way that is effective and moves the needle for them, right when people are seen, heard and understood. And your communication style and how you show up has everything to do with that. You're going to recognize you don't have to work as hard. You're not going to have to explain yourself as much. You won't have to use as many words. And I'm telling you right now, there's so much freedom in that. So I know I want to hear from you guys driving right now. Just screenshot this and get back to me later. But I want to hear from you, like what did you learn from this? Like did you have any aha moments about like oh shit that's. That makes sense. That makes sense why when I walk into a room, people run. Or that makes sense why maybe people don't take me seriously. Or that makes sense why I'm isolating myself. You have gifts. Each enneagram type has beautiful gifts and all equally important to each other. And here's the thing. When we start and when we are able to talk and communicate with each other.

We can work together as teams in our homes, in our businesses, in the world. So I would love to hear what you learned from this. Standing on the front line of your life is how you become bulletproof and really allowing yourself to become next level self awareness. I know all of you are working your asses off and I'm telling you right now, you don't have to be working so hard, but you have to be self aware and you have to be unconditionally committed to the process. So I can't wait to hear what you think about this episode. If you loved it, please share it with somebody. If you are in business, your teams, your organizations, your co workers, you all need to listen and really understand how each type of communicates. Because when you can speak, what's in it for them kind of language to everyone, the possibilities are endless. Until next time. I'll see you in the next episode.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@tracyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.