34: Growing love and understanding through the Enneagram lens

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go. Foreign.

Welcome to another episode of Becoming Bulletproof the podcast. And chances are we're still kind of in this social distancing kind of zone. And with that, we are in very close quarters with people, right? With our families, our partners, our spouses, whatever, whoever we've chosen to be in relationship with or this whole social distancing has really opened your eyes to maybe how you show up in relationships and how you cultivate relationships. And I was thinking like, you know, since we have nothing to do but deal with each other since the world has come to a stop for the most part, or drastically changed the way we see things today, I thought this would be a great episode on how to have healthier relationships based on your Enneagram type.

You know, we all love love. Love is one of the greatest things in the world. Whether you are, you know, as a parent, a lover, friends, human, mankind, whatever. Love is something else, right? But understanding is love's other name. And if you don't understand, you can't really love because you're, you're coming from your own perspective, your own kind of thought process. And what I love about the Enneagram, it really allows you not only to see here and understand yourself, which you must have first, right? You've heard this. You can't get give love if you don't have it for yourself.

Same thing goes with understanding and compassion. You can't give what you don't have. So understanding yourself obviously will allow you to love yourself and in turn at least make strides towards really at the deepest level, loving other people. But if you don't understand, you can't love. One of the things I love most about the Enneagram is that it really gives us as a human.

You know, human mankind, a common language. If you choose to use it. It's a tool that reminds you that everyone sees and interacts with the world completely different. And it also invites you to grow as an. As your own individual, while also, you know, helping others to better understand themselves.

The thing about the Enneagram, like, you guys know that I was introduced to this almost eight years ago in rehab, and I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to be put in a box. I didn't want another freaking label. I was already in there for, you know, dysfunctions with alcohol and food and codependency and control and all the things. The last thing I wanted to do is have another label on myself. But what I love about the Enneagram, if you really open your mind up to it, this opens yourself up to awareness.

No longer will you view yourself with a narrow lens, but also the world. And instead of demanding that others see and do things as you see it, you actually learn to have compassion and celebrate everybody else, even in their own quirky ways that you have no idea how they function. I remember when I first started to learn about the seven, which is my daughter. I was like, I don't even know how this girl functions, like, let alone survives every day. But really being willing to understand how she's wired her own soul map really allowed me to have better understanding and compassion. Do I operate like her? Hell, no. Never will. But it also allows me to celebrate her and her natural gifts. Moreover, when we really understand the Enneagram, you can gift one another permission to engage in relationships. We can engage at our most authentic selves without masks, without the bullshit moving beyond, like, combative behavior, accusations, all the things that when love is involved, conflict is right around the corner because it's poking all of our vulnerabilities. But in doing all this, you can experience deeper connections. When you understand yourself, which means love, and understanding others, which means love, you can have deeper connections and actually thrive together, even when you're different, right? Like, this is crazy for me. When I look back at, you know, the relationships I've been in, I had zero understanding of who they were. Like, zero. Because I didn't understand myself, right? I was just on autopilot, reacting to everything. Anything that hurt would be attacked, right? Anything that hurt me would be attacked. And, you know, when we're talking about relationships, even with, you know, family members, kids, partners, spouses, coworkers, whatever, like, the goal is to be in good relation and to be able to be in good relation with anyone, even when you look at them, you're like, yeah, I don't get it. So we're going to kind of go through this based on each Enneagram type. As a type 1, your goal is to embrace imperfection as perfection. You embrace imperfection as perfection. We want to do that, right?

Because you are the perfectionist on the Enneagram. We want you to embrace it. And especially when you're in relationships, you know, you're super critical of yourself. You know, more so than you could be of anybody else. But other people do get the brunt of it. Where your strengths are this. You, you are led by like that inner critic. Like I said, you live if you're a one to make yourself and the rest of the world better. Your greatest fear is that you're innately bad. Thus you're always striving to improve yourself. That's where the perfectionism comes in. Because you're always like, you're always putting things on a scale and keeping score. In relationships, though, healthy ones are fun, carefree and easygoing individuals. Because as a healthy one, you can lean into the healthy parts of the seven while you're still driven by perfection. You have more grace for themselves and others when you're healthy. When you're not doing so right, you lean into that unhealthy four. So you face the challenge of being overly critical, dramatic, stubborn, lots of resentment. So if you're a one, I want you to know we know that you notice everything and you're committed to inner and external perfection. The phrase when people say done is better than perfect, it actually makes your skin crawl. Because, yeah, that does not apply to you. Your moral compass and need to change the world is a powerful trait when positive channeled. But in relationship, that you can get into trouble, right? Understand, while you believe that criticism is actually necessary for growth, not everyone will resonate with that. In fact, ones can drive people away pretty quickly. So the goal for you is to practice letting things go. Really kind of check in with yourself at a deeper level. Seek peace instead of perfection in your relationship. It doesn't mean you just like put your head in the sand or anything like that. But remember, you are not responsible for others. You're not. We can't control people, places or things, only our reactions and responses to them. So the sooner you find inner peace and discover the strength, just discover that and letting it go, you will have the healthier relationships that you desire. And you know, I've noticed with ones, when they are able to do that, people will naturally follow their lead anyway without you having to say much. So you will have a lot more energy to do all the fun stuff as somebody that's a one in a relationship. Now, if you love a one, this is what you got to pay attention to when relating to ones. Remind them that they are good. Words of affirmation are going to be big for them because ones see flaws pretty much everywhere. It's necessary to help them shift their thinking to give them tons of kindness as they learn to silence their inner critic. So if you are going to offer up criticism to one, be incredibly gentle when speaking to them, especially if you're about to offer some healthy criticism. Because how they take that is like down the train of darkness. Ones are also very tidy and clean, so they appreciate when you respect and honor their need for for clean more than anything. Just be incredibly gentle like I said and don't take their nitpicking personally on the hard days. Remember, however critical ones are towards you, that they are much harder on themselves.

All right, Type twos the helpers. The best way that you can care for others is by caring for yourself first. And this is a hard one for twos because twos are naturally intuitive to the needs of others. And so much of their their belief of their worth comes from being helpful, right? They are the most empathetic and caring number hands down on the Enneagram. And they carve their way through the world through connections. They construct their identities based on interactions with others.

You know, my son is a two and when he's healthy, like there's boundaries, right? So he's a helper, like the best. The best. He's been the man in the house since he was 10 years old and he's 22 now. He's always been very, very good. When he was younger and not so healthy though, there were no boundaries and like the over giver, right? But as he's really matured and gotten healthy, you know, there are boundaries. Twos will call themselves by many, many names, parent, partner, friend, employer. But they will often forget that they have their own identity apart from the roles that they play in the world. Like I said, healthy twos know how to balance self care with care for others in their relationships. While unhealthy, twos can totally subconsciously be disingenuous. Despite believing their motivations are selfless, they will take care of others solely to stroke their egos. But if you don't appreciate it or pay attention to it or acknowledge it from time to time, the resentment will take over. And you know, the challenge for them then is to.

Really navigate the Resentment because their helping was coming from or giving was coming from a place of maybe not the most authentic places because they believe their need is coming from there. Right? The challenge for twos in relationship is to remain grounded in your own identity even while serving others. And you know, witnessing that firsthand with my son is so beautiful. Like, he knows exactly who he is every single day and he's able to serve at such a high level, which is so beautiful to see. So if you're a two in a relationship, you can find it difficult to express your own needs in that relationship. You know how to give until you got nothing left. And even then you will ignore your own needs, right? You'll just like try to find more.

You know, when we say you can't pour out of an empty cup, this is one that twos really need to pay attention to. Fill your cup first. I promise you will have enough in the spillover to serve so many people and help so many people. But meeting your own needs will only allow you to be better for the relationship and better care for others. You thrive in relationships when there is a mutual give and take because you feel appreciated. I know that when I speak love and appreciation into my son, which isn't a strength of mine to throw around compliments, it's really, really not. But knowing I have a two in the household and one I deeply care about and want to maintain beautiful relationship with.

Really speaking that into him is important, that give and take. And you know what? He shines because he feels like he's being appreciated for all the helping he does give. While it's easier for you as twos to ignore your wants and needs, this will only lead to resentment, like I said, and that is never good in any relationship. You got to trust that the people that love you want to care for you and they love you no matter what you do for them. They love you way beyond your caretaking superpowers. But lean into your relationships and actually let your guard down and let people know what you need. That's what relationships are all about. Now, if you love A2.

The best way to love A2 is to help them love themselves. Remind them that they are not a bottomless well and who they are is not wrapped up in who or what they care for.

Don't just tell a 2 to stop and care for themselves.

Show them how that looks. Right? That's been something that's been really important to model for my two in my home, twos are also. This is a big one. So if you love A2 they're verbal processors. My. My son can talk all day long about feelings, which is great. I mean, as a man, that's not normal. I don't even like using that word. But it's not the typical kind of stereotype that you would hear. But they're verbal processors, so being an excellent listener, if you love a two while engaging them in conversation is really essential for a healthy, healthy relationship. Because they fear the expression of their needs and wants. Twos really would love. They love when people will fight for them and to remind them that you're not going anywhere, because they can be kind of emotional. And I know that the twos in my life, when I speak that into them, that I've got their back all the time. And because I'm an aide, I'm a natural protector. Anyway.

When I'm in relationship with healthy twos in my friendships, in my parenting, those are some of my greatest relationships. So the best way to love a 2 is to help them love themselves.

My threes, the achievers. If you're not careful in relationships, you can have your blinders on and miss the miracles. So the goal is to shape shift into the real you, but it's going to require you to kind of slow down a little bit, right? Because threes are shape shifters. They can wear tons of different hats to fit various roles in society and in their relationships, and they long to be celebrated for success. My therapist originally thought I might have been a three because I can be such a chameleon.

But I'm not, because I'm not motivated by the same things that A3 is motivated by. So, see, that's really important. You don't just go off the behaviors. I got a lot of three behaviors, but the motivation behind it is very, very different. So the thing with threes in relationships, if they're not careful, they can lose touch with their true selves and begin to believe their constructed images, that they actually begin to believe that that is their authentic self. And, you know, I have so much compassion for them, I can spot them a mile away without judgment, because I know where that's coming from. They actually believe it.

You know, they can kind of come across and even probably have been told they're fake. But threes are go getters, and they're goal setters, and they know how to motivate others to achieve impossible things. On the other hand, they can be so competitive and demand so much praise that they can be a little needy. They need recognition all the time. That's how I knew I wasn't a 3. By the way, relationships with threes can at time, like I said, feel fake and a little dishonest, especially when they disconnect from their feelings in the present moment. So when a three is going into an unhealthy pattern, they take on those disengaging qualities of the nine where they kind of shut down on themselves. And so a lot of times they'll just deflect and get busy and completely disengage any of their feelings. So when things are going shitty in a relationship, they almost play the part of like, yep, everything's fine, nothing to see here, we're good. You know, they just can take that on. So if you're a three in relationship, you are image conscious and driven by the need for recognition. I'm sure you already know that you're prone to making work the center of your life or achieving or goals the center of your life. So you've probably had more than relationship go south because of this, right? The workaholics, remember threes, my achiever friends, the people in your life love you not for the success and shape shifting you do, but because you're you, the real you. You are not what you do. And while there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best and crushing life and, you know, having all the goals and the vision boards, it's all really great. But it's crucial that you have some healthy boundaries and that you take the blinders off from time to time so you don't miss the blessing that's right in front of you. Also, for threes, I'm going to encourage you to engage in your feelings rather than burying them, because that's what a 3 can do with work and with succeeding at all the things threes, I want you to focus on what's in front of you right here, right now, rather than the future. And I know your brains go a mile a minute and you're so innovative and all of that, but peace and rest will come, actually, when you learn to disconnect outward success with your value.

And with that, I promise you, your relationships will thrive even more. So here's the thing. If you love a three.

Boy, you threes, I love you so much it's hard to get you to slow down. But if you love a three, the threes in your life feel an urge to create a facade that they believe you'll love. So if you're falling for a three, especially if they're super successful, know that it may take a while. Kind of like the tootsie Roll, pop, like, how many licks to get to the center. That's kind of like how you have to operate with a three. It's. It's going to take a while before you get to the real them, because they've put on a facade so innocently. That's just how they're wired.

That's why my therapist also thought I was a three, because I can. In the past, I've done that.

And especially in relationships, I used to do that. They do this because threes do this because they don't think they're valuable as they are, and thus they resort to performance. This is also why I believe there's a lot of people mistyped as threes.

But I think that there's a deeper meaning for some types like me.

But anyway, this is why it's essential to discourage shape shifting in your relationship with threes. You can acknowledge their success. Don't withhold, you know, praise and recognition and gratitude for them, but not attributing these things to their worth. So it's a fine line, like, you want to give them their love language, right? Which is, tell me how amazing I am. And you also want to know that it's not conditional. Right? Vocalize your love for your threes.

And discourage these constructed, compartmentalized kind of Personas. Moreover, take note that threes are future oriented and can seem distracted when they're in conversations with you. Try not to take that personally. It's very hard. It's the hardest part I have with threes is I can see their. Their attention is somewhere else, and I have to really be compassionate and mindful that this isn't personal. They just don't like dwelling on shit. They don't like dwelling on the past or diving too deep into feelings. They don't have time for that, despite being in the actual heart triad on the Enneagram, you know, which is funny. Give them the space to work hard because they're really good at that, but also encourage them to practice healthy boundaries. Yes, really, really important if you love a three. All right, my fours. This one is interesting to me. Yes, you belong because you're unique. You don't have to put on a front.

The type fours, which are the individualist. You are unique. Naturally. You don't have to be anything that you're not where you are. Strong fours live for connections and relationships, despite this. This belief that they don't belong any of the fours that I am close to and in relationship with, they are so driven by connection.

And they feel like the black Sheep all the time. And sometimes they are fours naturally become the black sheep. And I'm going to tell you right now that the black sheep's black sheep of the world. You are the ones that actually break patterns in generations. You break patterns in family cycles. You break all sorts of patterns. So I want, you know, being a black sheep isn't always a bad thing. I'm a black sheep myself. So even though fours, my individualists, think that you're too much, too complicated and too messy for most of society, you are some of the most resilient and relentless in the pursuit of authentic connection. I know.

When I am in relationship with A4 because of the way that I can communicate with them. It's why I think fours are drawn to me, because I see them for who they are. And when I hear them say, you just understand me, like, and I know how hard most of their life has been to feel understood, that that is a huge thing for them. And that's why, you know, I connect with them and they connect with me. So many fours are also super artistic and creative.

And so if you're in a relationship with one, know that that is part of, part of the program. At your best, fours, you help others engage with feelings. And it's so true. You wear them on your sleeve. Not always like the really happy ones, though, too. Like, you can be really sad or really dark or really angry or all the things. But I love that because you teach the rest of us how to really engage with feelings and to lean into some of the darker corners that a lot of people are afraid to even look at. Where you get into trouble fors is when you trust your. Your own emotions as truth because your feelings often tell them that you're flawed. You know that that voice inside of you that thinks you're so different. When this happens, you can become really moody and you detach from the world. And, you know, being. This is really hard as an 8 to be. This is something I'm mindful of with the fours in my life because I'm somebody as an 8 that likes direct communication. And when a 4 is feeling like it's going a direction that they aren't happy with, they can disengage completely. And it's like, what the hell just happened? It's crazy. Now if you're a four, I know that you're going to be tempted to conform for the sake of belonging. And maybe as a child or in work or even, you know, relationships, you have conformed. Maybe you stayed in a relationship too long. Because it just. That's how you felt like you belonged, right? But you live in tension and you're pissed and you're moody, and then the relationship isn't what you want it to be. I know that you want to be embraced, but you also long to stand out, right? You want to feel like you belong, but you also want to be like this unique person that you as a four, so are.

But then this tension leads you to believe that there's something wrong with you, and there's not. I want you to know that. And.

I know that you as a four, can convince yourself that you'll never thrive in relationships or have genuine connections. And so that's when envy kind of can take over.

And where you kind of think the grass might be greener, right? But I want you to know that as a four, the ordinary moments are just as beautiful as the extraordinary ones. You are not too much. And it is okay to feel misunderstood. It's also okay to have a small circle of very intimate relationships rather than big groups of friends. Not everybody's gonna get you. That's just impossible. And that is totally okay because you are unique, right? When you're so unique, how there's. There's no social norm. There's no norm to you fours. That's what I love about you. But you do thrive in relationships with people who. Who really appreciate all of your layers and have no judgment on it. So discover peace by embracing the ordinary and pushing through your own fear of abandonment. Now, for those of you that love a four.

Having relationships with fours can be overwhelming if you are not ready or prepared for the complexity of their emotions. But. And sticking with them is so, so worth it. Fours offer a profound connection and gift that the other enneagram numbers like they're the safe place to engage with hard feelings. It's probably why I feel connected to fours, because I have so many hard feelings that I've dealt with that it's really hard for people to get that. And it, you know, it's a little intense, but fours can kind of go toe to toe with that intensity.

Fours also know how to hold joy and despair in the same hand. Like, they can appear like a roller coaster of emotions, and they are. And they are capable of holding space for you. So know how to navigate that, know that your fours, like, they know how to experience all of the emotions so you don't have to withhold anything. They actually prefer it, so you don't need to match their mood. The most important thing, if you're in relationship with a 4 is to be true to who you are. Nothing sets them off more like they can spot like inauthentic bullshit a mile away. So if you are true to who you are, there is nothing more meaningful or attractive to fours than authenticity. Fours also prefer one on one conversations rather than group gatherings. So.

Telling them that they're understood is really important to them. But if you don't really mean that, you better not say it because they will just they will be done with you in a second the minute they think you're full of shit. But be really intentional and be a good listener for fours and remind them that they are known and seen for exactly who they are. So my fives, this can be hard because you guys like to isolate. So balancing your isolation with belonging is going to be really important if you're a five and want to maintain and have healthy relationships. So Fives are private, self reliant and analytical people. Like they don't need anybody, right? They gather information and knowledge before committing to anything, including relationships. Like talk about the private investigators. I thought I as an 8 was pretty tough in that department, but I don't hold a candle to a 5 for them. Relationships feel risky and it can be challenging for them for you as a five to open up and share your feelings. So while fives the investigators bring numerous strengths to relationships, they have vision, insight, curiosity, intellect, all the things they struggle to show up for them at all though. Like they, they have all these things that are super, super powerful for relationships, but they don't show up. And even when they do, they have a limited well of energy to spend on others. So just something to know. And if you're a five, relating to others I know can feel impossible and you might find yourself contem whether relationships are worth it at all. Spoiler alert. They are. You are brave for showing up even when you're afraid and in your preferred state of isolation. While some relationships will require more from you than others, you'll be glad you pressed into connection.

Because fives, when they're healthy, they take on the healthy traits of the eight. And the eights really have a strong desire for connection. So fives that have come before you, I promise you they will say the same thing. Because of your need for alone time, self care is going to be so important. Don't feel ashamed for needing a personal day after connecting with others, but you're going to need to communicate that so you thrive in relationships when you practice that balance. Whether it's balancing solitude with relationships or balancing your thoughts with Feelings and actions. Now I get one of the. I get lots of questions about how to love a five best. Because, you know, they're mysterious. They really can be mysterious. So in relationships, fives need space. It doesn't mean they're rejecting you. If you love a 5, it doesn't mean that they don't love you or that they're annoyed by you. They just need space to process. And the more you tried to pigeonhole them, the worse that's gonna go. So they need time to translate their feelings into thoughts before responding to anything. So if a 5 says, can you give me some time? Give it to them. I promise you it will only benefit the relationship. They desire conflict to be minimal and super straightforward. So no bullshit games with the five. They'll be out. No minimal.

Moreover, they need a gentle push, though, to engage with their emotions. So if they trust you and they have vetted you, they need to know that you are a safe place with their emotions because they will often revert to thinking. So really keeping them grounded in that heart space and nudging them and reminding them that their vulnerability is actually a gift, not a burden, because they can think it's too much. Also, if you love a five, they keep a very small circle of friends because they have limited energy and need to spend it on those they're closest with. So fives can be super sarcastic and have very dry senses of humor, and they are very comfortable with stimulating routines, but they dread repetition. So, like, they like routines, but they like the same thing over and over and over again. Like, no, I know that sounds, like, contradictory, but it's actually not. So fostering a healthy relationship with them by respecting and also nurturing these traits, give them their space. It's not personal. I promise, the more space you give them and the more that you actually understand that, the more. More that they will trust that you're a safe place to be emotional. Right. All right. My Sixes, I love. I'm in relationship with so many Sixes. My. You've heard me talk about this. All my closest friends, like, almost all of them are like Sixes Virgos, all of it. So, you know, they need to brave fear to find that community. And because Sixes are so driven by support and security, you know, they can talk themselves out of good relationships. So it is thought that there are more Sixes in the world than any other number on the enneagram. And I would probably agree with that, to be honest with you. Which is a beautiful thing, because Sixes, especially in times that we're living in right now when we're on lockdown and the world is changing. Six are so concerned with the common good and our safety and to offer hope and. And certainty. Like they're always searching for it. So they got spreadsheets for it even in relationships. So they like, if you are in relationship with A6, know that they are the enneagram type that is so deeply committed to loyalty. And once you have a friend, a lover, a partner that is a six, like you are, like, they have known and vetted you as being safe. They are so committed, they would take a bullet for you in a second. And that's what I love about them. In relationships. Six are sincere and engaged and they value authenticity and genuine connection. But they also struggle with fear because they're always troubleshooting, like the what if, what if? But what if? But, but what if this happens? But what if he thinks that. But what if she thinks that? Right? They struggle to the fear. So sixes face this unique challenge in that they can struggle to forgive and forget. To them, forgiveness is a sign of weakness, and they believe they must guard and protect themselves from potentially hurtful people. Right? So if you're a six, be gentle with yourself. Right? You are not wrong for your skeptical nature. It's okay, it's okay. But there's something beautiful to be gained by embracing the unpredictable moments of life and messy relationships. And I know, I just felt the collective gasp from all my six friends because they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Unpredictable is like death. Because they have tried to predict every worst case scenario. Practice trusting yourself first, like trusting your own wisdom and your own gut instinct first and foremost. And then accept that you have all the tools that you need to handle situations and relationships and even the unpredictable moments that come up, you don't have to conquer your fear at all. Like, that's natural and healthy. Just tell it to get in the backseat. Don't let it be the one driving your bus. Most importantly, my sixes, my loves, slow down, breathe before responding to others because this will help you get out of your head and make decisions that are more grounded, more heart centered. The world is made up of mostly good and honest people. I know that your thinking, your skeptical thinking has you like, not always thinking that. And they do desire, connect with you. But once you learn to trust yourself and trust others, you'll actually thrive in relationships. If people are in relationships with you and they feel like they're being.

Scrutinized, even silently, which Sixes do they do it in? Silence they won't, like, outwardly do it like a one does, but a six will be, like, noted. Taking notes. Taking notes. Like, they have an internal hard drive of record keeping that is like nobody else. They remember everything, y'. All. Just so you know. Now, if you love a six.

This has been so powerful for me because I am one of those. It's like, just let it go, you know, as an eight. And that is like, one of the worst things I could ever say to a six is, like, telling them they don't need to worry or it's not that big a deal. Is so disrespectful. If you love a six. Yes. I'm going to say that again. And this is something I have to, like, really pause with all my sixes, because my instinct and my natural tendency is just to let the shit go or bulldoze it or just cut people off or, like, fuck it, like, whatever, and tell, like, don't worry about it. Worst thing you could ever say to a six. So if you love a six, pause before you say that, because this is a truth. They must discover themselves, and they don't need others to belittle their fears. Right. Like I said, it feels very disrespectful. And they don't feel supported when you say that. So instead, remind your sixes that you love. Your loyalists of your commitment encourage them to trust their experiences. And, you know, the thing that I tell my six friends all the time is like, I've got your back. You're safe, you're supported, you're loved. And that allows them to kind of drop into their own inner knowing and trusting their own instincts and experiences, and it helps them get out of their head a little bit. Sixes, you sixes are not. If you're loving a six, they're not insecure, but they're calculated. And sometimes the sixes, they struggle to see the best in others. So foster loyalty by avoiding too much spontaneity and respect their need for routine. Okay. One of my good friends, she's a six, and, you know, she wants somebody to take the reins sometimes, but then she likes certain things a certain way, and I get that. So just, you know, surprise parties for six. Don't. Just don't. They don't like it. It's nice in theory, but just don't give them, like, a spreadsheet of how things are going to go, and they'll be very happy. Thank you. It's useful to also remember that the sixes that you love struggle to voc their thoughts in real time. They also need processing time and safe spaces to evaluate their feelings. I think that's why Sixes are also drawn to me too, because I do offer that pretty well. But don't write them off as indecisive. They actually can make decisions pretty quickly. They just need time to think through their decisions a little bit. But they know they're super decisive and once they make a decision, know that you are going to be in for a good ride and it's going to be safe and amazing because they have made sure that like no shit's going to go sideways. All right, my Sevens, the enthusiasts.

Embrace your feelings as your next adventure instead of trying to find adventure outside of yourself all the time. That is something as a seven.

Sevens can bounce from relationship to relationship if they get bored, right? So if you can embrace your own feelings as your next adventure, this will help you prevent that and, and keep you from missing maybe something pretty darn special that's in front of you, right? So Sevens are the most wonderful friends and partners and co workers and they're fun, optimistic, driven by adventure and lighthearted, you know, raising one, she does bring that element to the table. So Sevens are experts at connecting with their inner child, that playful like. And I think that's also why I'm so drawn to Sevens the healthy. One side note because for the longest time I didn't tap into my own inner child. But the Sevens, their inner child is running the fun inner child is running the show, right? And they remind the rest of us how to play. But where the Sevens can struggle to confront their feelings, especially when they perceive their emotions as negative, they don't like to feel that. So like that playful inner child, you know, think of a five year old on a playground, just like run from the problem, right? Sevens as adults can do the same thing when they think the emotions are too dark or bad or negative. But at their best, Sevens are forage like they forge, like they bring hope. They long for a safe world and choose to see the best in people, which is one of their most beautiful qualities. But at their unhealthiest, they can be hard headed and super opinionated. They lean into the unhealthy traits of that one, that perfectionist. And they, when they are not in a good spot, they won't ever admit they're wrong. They will fail to see their part in a problem. They fail to see details and won't always follow through with their commitments. So if you're an unhealthy seven, I'm going to encourage you to really tap into yourself. Not just that innocent, playful little child, but also the one that's been hurt and maybe has some wounding that is driving some of this behavior that keeps you from being committed. Also, if you're a seven, we know you are light and joy in your relationships. Where you have to be careful is your continuous pursuit of pleasure can make your loved ones feel like their presence isn't good enough. Like you're always looking for the next best thing. And so it's going to be important that you are a good listener because you are so future oriented. You are seeking the next best experience in life.

And your true peace will come when you learn to balance this energy and embrace the present moment for what it is. Right? So pay attention to who you're with and what you're doing. Sit on your hands as a reminder. I don't care what you have to do as a Seven, pay attention to who you're with because you don't mean to, but your distractibility can make people feel like you don't give a shit. And we know that's not your heart because you actually really do give a shit. When pain and hardship come and spoiler alert, they will try to sit with those feelings instead of trying to escape them. Because your instinct is to reframe it or to just make light of it or brush it over or to run from it. But I want you to remember, Sevens, pain has something to teach you. I promise. If you love a seven, and I do, and my seven, my love of my seven is why I started studying the Enneagram in depth a long time ago. Because I just didn't understand. Right? Remember how I said at the beginning of this, the other meaning for love is understanding. And because I love her so deeply, I knew like, I didn't need to make her me. I just needed to understand who she was at her soul level. So just like sevens can teach other numbers how to play, other numbers can show sevens how to make room for holding negative emotions. By nature, sevens believe they are simple with very few feelings. And that's not true, Sevens. You have a wide range of feelings. Showing a seven that all humans are complicated with a large array of feelings is one of the best gifts you can offer them. Now, I will tell you this. When my 7 is not in a good spot, she doesn't like this one bit. She hates it. But I am in this for the long haul because I love her. And she is going to experience all the plethora of experience. And you know, her brother is A two. So she gets emotions and compassion there. She gets intensity from me. So even though sometimes she wants to run from it, it is a gift that we've given her even on days, she doesn't always see it. If you love a seven because they are naturals at repressing emotions, it's essential to be aware that their pain can manifest itself as anger or shame, which I experienced that this morning from my seven. They need a lot of alone time to balance out their time spent with others because a healthy seven takes on the healthy traits of the five that investigator, you know, the natural introvert on the enneagram. So when I see sevens really tap into that alone time and balancing it out, I feel really good about that. I know that they are growing. So when you love a seven, when you see that, encourage it. It's actually a gift that they're giving themselves which will actually make them much better and more balanced in the relationship. Relationship with you. Sevens don't do well with codependence and they actually feel trapped by it. They don't like to have be responsible by the needs and expectations of others at all.

So it's been interesting because the twos unhealthy can be codependent. My seven, that's like the last thing she needs. So watching them evolve into that has been really, really beautiful. So if you love a seven.

If you're codependent probably won't work. Just letting you know. And you're going to have to do your own work around your own codependence. And having your own hobbies and activities is going to be necessary for a healthy relationship. If you're their end all, be all, they're going to feel like a caged animal. So sevens are the free spirits. Let them be free, but also, you know, rein them in from time to time.

Ah, my eights, my fellow eights, you challengers lose control for the sake of love. My heart just like raced. I got like, oh, my God, that's terrifying, right? As an eight, losing control for the sake of love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I've never really done it in most of my relationships. Like looking back, I never gave my all completely because, you know, they could betray me, right? That's what eights kind of. We're always operating from that place. That's why I think eights are because their behaviors are so intense. I also think the eights are probably the most mistyped on the enneagram. There's a lot of people that believe they're eights that probably really aren't. Eights are action oriented leaders. You know them or are one of them? Because eights love to take charge and are always on the hunt for solutions. And I will tell you, as a eight, especially when it comes to relationship, I have to like pull in my reins a little bit. Even though that's an asset that I have. Like, I gotta let others have a turn, right? Eights are high energy people. Like, you know us before we even enter a room. Like, you know an eights around, you're like, whoa, what was that? And eights find meaning and standing up for the underdogs in the world. That is like me to a T. At our best, my fellow eights, we are supportive, playful. I had to learn that one super generous. In their relationships. When we're in, we're all fucking in and it's scary for us. So if we have chosen, you know that that was a huge deal and we had to battle with ourselves to be all in. And when we are all in, we are the most generous because we do. Believe it or not, Eights challengers, stoic and all we do crave. We crave connection on the deepest of levels when we are not healthy. A little FYI, for those of you that love me out there, eights can become super aggressive and combative.

They can find it especially difficult to relate to thought and feeling driven numbers. So seeing as how I'm raising a thought and feeling driven type, I needed to learn this. Understanding equals love, right? So this is really where my health accelerated because I realized how my relationships with my children was suffering and pretty much everybody else. Because unless you were like me, I really just. I judged you. Just straight talk. Eights are mistyped as bullies are bossy characters. I think my daughter just called me a bully this morning. Just gonna be really honest. She just doesn't understand me. She was in her unhealthy one. Just to be clear, eights can be mistyped as bullies or bossy. And this is especially true for women who are aids. So yes, I will 100% say that. And there were many times I was a fucking boss. Like bossy bully, biatch. There was. I can own that. But a lot of times our intentions are misunderstood because we're coming, the eights are coming from a place of self protection all the times. And eights fear being controlled and so they distrust their emotions. And so that's sometimes when that bully or bossy wall comes up. So the eights are probably the most guard on the enneagram in relationships and avoid vulnerability. That will expose their weakness. And let me tell you, this has been the most work I've had to do on myself in all relationships with my kids, even with family, with friendships, navigating what love looks like for me in the future. Like, I have got to unguard myself if that is going to be possible. Right? Because that's like, how can anybody understand you if you're not showing them who you are? That's for all the Enneagram types. So for my fellow eights, we all know you're a born leader and people want to follow you. But sometimes, and I've had this in my relationships before, they will go along with your plan because they feel like they don't have a choice. And nobody wants to be in relationship with somebody that feels like they have to be there. It's very lonely. Remember for my eights, that not everyone else is action oriented. So for some, pausing to think and. And feel before committing to action is what feels natural to them. And that is where I've leaned into a lot of compassion. And most of the people in my life are in the other two triads, the thinking and the feeling triad, because they're teaching me. They're teaching me all the time, which is beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, my fellow enneagram thinkers and feelers. Because this is an area of my life I needed, like, hardcore. So listen and observe others before reacting. I'm learning this. And include them when making decisions. Because eights are so decisive. We kind of like just make decisions so fast. Honestly, like looking at myself, a tao, when people ask me, like, you've been single for a long, long time. Well, yeah, I just make decisions. I just do.

Yeah. So include others when you're making decisions, Especially in relationships, Ensure you are clearly articulating your expectations and making others feel seen and heard. And so for me as an 8, I have no problem making others feel seen and heard, Articulating my expectations, Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm learning. And that's scary because you open yourself up to vulnerability. Right. So if you can allow yourself, my challenger friends, yourself, the freedom to be vulnerable, the relationships you have will be beautiful. Yes. So for all of you out there that love an eight and for all of you out there that love me, Eights need to be met on their level. We really do want somebody that'll go toe to toe with them. We don't want somebody just like sugarcoating shit. We don't. We want somebody That'll actually call us out on it. We value honesty as long as it's coming. Like we want somebody that'll call us out on it as long as it's coming from an authentic place and for our greatest good, not yours, right? Because we don't want to be controlled. We don't have to control everything, but don't try to control us. Right, Eights, challengers. We value honesty and no bullshit, Straightforward communication and don't beat around the bush. If you love us, tell us and tell us why. Like, and no bullshit. You've heard me say all the time. Like, I'm a bottom line me kind of girl. Like, that's why.

Remember if you love an, if you love an eight, that their aggression is not personal at all. And because I'm a healthy eight, I can kind of keep this in check. But I can pull Chicago out when I need to. And she comes out strong and hard sometimes because if that does come out and you're. You love an 8, more than likely they're not thinking about you. And I know that sounds sad, but instead really they're going into self protection mode and trying to control their environment. Those walls can come up pretty hard. To have a healthy relationship with an 8, be direct and stay true to who you are. If you are going down your own like, path of like, you want to go to the dark side or you want to isolate or just be straightforward and be honest and stay true to who you are. While you can't force an 8 to be vulnerable, you can't. You can create a safe space for expression. And I'm telling you, if an 8 trusts you, know that that is probably like, I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. Because if an 8 trusts you.

Know that they have worked really hard to get there. And creating a safe space for an 8 for them to be who they are is one of the gifts you can give them. If you're in relationship with 1, earn the respect of an 8 and you will find yourself, like I said, in such incredibly deep and stimulating relationship.

Trust me, those that have a deep relationship with me get it. But it's hard for an eight to get there. But if not though, don't worry because eights are guarded with their emotions and only have room for a small, very small circle of intimate relationships in their life. And if they've chosen you.

Know that it's a beautiful thing and know that it's okay. And if you aren't in the circle, it doesn't mean they don't like you instead, just know that they have maxed out their current capacity for emotional connections. But just know this. Eights are always taking inventory, because eights are constantly growing and evolving, and the healthy ones, that their. Their intimate circle can rotate, Right? So you keep doing the work on you and stand in your truth, then you will win and earn.

That space with an eight. All right, my nines, my peacemakers, you are the type that usually says, I don't care. Whatever you want, right? No, no, no. We want you to add your voice to the conversation, my peacemaker friends, because you have so many strengths. Nines are the chameleons and of the Enneagram. So are threes, but this is a different kind of chameleon. And as a child, I've mentioned this before on previous podcasts, my wing was very hardcore nine. I pretty much lived in my nine wing because that's how I was safe, right? So nines are the chameleons of the Enneagram, and they are experts at adapting and relating to all of the other numbers. So when they're healthy, Yoda, it's amazing. This is both a strength and also a challenge. Because while nines, my peacemaker friends, know how to make everyone feel seen, it's not uncommon for them to lose themselves in relationships. I see it a lot. Nines cling to the lie that neither their presence or their opinions matter when they're not so healthy. So this can make them seem like Eeyore instead of Yoda, Easygoing characters, when in fact, they are erasing themselves for the sake of keeping the peace. I did this as a child.

Yeah. And the thing is, the nines are operated like they're in the instinctual triad. Like, you have instincts, your opinions are actually. And your wisdom is so super valuable. But your challenge in relationships is that you can become distracted, aloof, passive aggressive. Like when they are triggered or pushed too hard, too fast, they become super passive aggressive. And they have an anger card. Rarely will you see it because they shut it down, but it usually shows up in passive aggressive behavior and language. At their best, nines know how to risk conflict for connection. It's a big deal for a nine. So if you're in love with a nine, you care about a nine. You are parenting a nine. You're partnered with a nine.

If they.

Risk that conflict for connection, it's brave. That is so brave. And when they have an opinion, let them have it, because rarely, like, if they are fighting to have an opinion, you know, it's a big deal as well. So my nines out there, your extraordinary power, your superpowers that you can see all sides of every conversation and that's beautiful. While that can be make it challenging to find and assert your own voice, you are excellent at articulating everyone else's. So you're like that mediator, that.

Devil'S advocate in conflict resolution. The important thing is make sure you have your own voice too. You also take notice when others are being left out. You got to do this for yourself too though. Nines remember that there is no such thing as conflict free relationships. So avoiding conflict is counterproductive. It just instigates more conflict. I know, I know. Nines are like, oh God, that sounds so scary. But you can do it, I promise, because you have that inner knowing. So lean into your hard conversations, my peacemakers, and name your feelings. Take the little baby steps by voicing your desires to the people you feel safest with. So the next time somebody asks what you want to do, tell them when they say where do you want to go for dinner? Have an opinion. Those are baby steps. They are asking about you because they actually genuinely care and are interested and they want to understand you. So your voice matters. And once you find it, your relationships will know no bounds. Now, if you love a nine, when relating to nines, there are a few things you got to remember. First of all, include them in your decision making process. So like me as an eight with a nine, that can be terrible, right? If I'm not aware that I'm with a nine, you know, I'll just make all the decisions and they'll let me, right? So include them in your decision making processes. They will naturally gravitate away from voicing their opinions. So encourage them, encourage them and reassure them. Giving multiple choice options are really, really good for them because they're like, I don't know, I don't know. That's when they say I don't care what, whatever you want. So give them like 3 options, 4 options rather than open ended options because that can be a little overwhelming, especially if they haven't been practicing this.

They also nines need affirmation when they are honest. So if you recognize them for being honest, let them know how brave you think they are. So celebrate it and celebrate that they speak up for themselves. Also learn if you're with a 9 or loving on a 9, or parenting a 9 or whatever with a 9, be very aware of their passive aggressive nature. They don't explode with built up rage like my eights. My fellow challengers do but instead, they'll bury it and they will let it out in nonverbal and indirect ways. Like, yeah, they will. So.

Creating positive expression by honoring their need for peaceful environments and giving nines time to process will be really, really important. And understanding that they will not be as direct in conversations, but they will eventually share their feelings and stuff with you once they feel safe. When they do, try to bury their emotions and pretend like everything is fine. That's their instinctive thing. Fine feelings inside, not expressed. Right. When they pretend like everything is fine, gently remind them that naming their hurts or what's on their heart will actually lead them to health, heal, and a deeper connection with you, with other people. So I know that in these times that we're in, we're in close relationship and all relationships are being tested because we don't have the world distracting us maybe in the ways that we did before. You know, with things getting shut down and many people out of work right now, or having to work from home and in close quarters or, you know, whatever that looks like for you, understanding yourself first.

Will allow you to be more open to really understanding each other at the deepest level. And, you know, in times of crisis and hard times and uncertain times, the deeper we can understand each other is the deeper we can love all across the board. So I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. I know that I was like, oh, this, this is good, juicy stuff. So if this has made an impact on you, I would love a screenshot. I would love if you shared this and tagged me in it and let me know what you thought of this. Who are you in relationship with? What type are you in relationship with that challenges you. And as always, if you need help discovering your type or how to integrate all of your enneagram wisdom into your life, you can also follow me on Instagram at traceyomalley and shoot me a DM and say, hey, Trace, I need you to guide me through this. I'd be happy to. In fact, I love. It's my favorite thing to do. You can also go to tracyomally.com under work with me and we can figure out your actual type. Reminder. All those tests are wrong. I've told you this over and over and you still keep believing them and wondering why things are going sideways. Let's do a typing session together and then you can take that accurate information and run with it and figure it out. Or we can integrate figure out how to integrate it into your life together at an accelerated pace. So, you know, remember to understand each other. Is to truly, truly love. And that first begins with the relationship you have with you. So until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@tracey O' Malley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits, and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's Become Bulletproof.