42: The dark side of social media and how the Enneagram can help

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up, let's go.

Hello. Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And you know, we are spending a lot of time online these days. Whether it's through work, we're on zoom meetings. I mean, our kids are even working online for school.

So with all this, I don't want to call it free time because I know a lot of us are really, really busy. Whether we're taking care of kids or businesses or, you know, just figuring out the new norm is time consuming. But I also know that a lot of time is being spent on social media as well. And when that happens, something like comparisonitis starts to kick in. And what I have found, you know, you guys have been listening to me for any length of time, you know that I am somebody that has dealt with addiction not just in my family, but personally. And over the last gosh, decade, I would say social media use and the scroll hole has become one of the biggest addictions there is. And it's a way that we numb. It's a way that we get ourselves some shame hits. It's where we allow ourselves to play small because we go into comparison. And I know if you're listening to me right now, one of those things might apply to you in regards to social media. And I'm here to tell you I am not immune to it. There are times I'll catch myself. I'm like, what the hell am I doing? Like, I am actually looking for a way to feel like shit. And social media can do that. Social media can do a lot of really great things too. So I'm not knocking it completely. It's a beautiful way to connect. It's a beautiful way to do great things and build community and have support 24 7. There's a lot of beautiful things about it. But what I have found, especially, you know, as we face so much uncertainty as of today when I'm recording this, we are still in quarantine all across the globe and we don't know when that's going to change necessarily. And, you know, last I checked, it's in the millions of people that have filed for unemployment. Businesses are going to be shut down. It's inevitable. Life as we have known it is about to change completely. And with that uncertainty, you know, people are looking to get creative and build businesses online. And, you know, thankfully, I'm so grateful that for the last eight years I have built a business online. And, you know, as we navigate life, moving forward in a different way or trying new things or even if you've been online and working online and building businesses, I think with so much uncertainty, we feel sometimes like we have to do something, something different, maybe even be something we're not. And as somebody for 40 years of her life.

I wasn't intentionally being something I wasn't or trying to be something I wasn't. That was just like a coping mechanism that I, you know, leaned into most of my life to survive, to be safe and even to have some security. And when our safety, security, certainty is threatened, like, it feels very much like it is right now. We go into.

This damage control mode or like panic even. Even if we're calm, cool on the outside, I'm one of those that can always look calm and cool, but inside, I could be having like a panic attack and you would never know it. But what I'm seeing a lot online and I want you to know I am absolutely standing in zero judgment of anyone when I say these things. I see people scrambling.

You know, I've been in the network marketing space for, gosh, almost eight years. I've been online running businesses. And I see.

You know, when. When people are trying to move into that space, you know, they're trying to take on a Persona.

And I wish I could say that it was just because of the here and now, but the fact is, is, you know, if we look back, you know, especially like when I look back at myself, like there were hints that this is how I was going to, you know, play this out, you know, these. Trying to be something I'm not. As a kid, you know, I heard things that made me buy into the belief that I needed to be something else in order to be worthy of attention, love, acceptance, xyz. And I think as we move into uncertainty, a lot of those compensatory strategies are coming up for people and so, you know, this is an Enneagram episode because it's Tuesday and I wanted to kind of break down some of the lifelong struggles, struggles that you may face based on your Enneagram type. And it doesn't mean that it's cut and dry, black and white. This is how it is. This is just general.

But as I witness and really observe what's happening not only in the world, but in the online space, I see a lot of this come up. And this episode is meant to give you permission to be exactly who you are. I was speaking to a few Mastermind groups over the last few weeks and you know, as we were talking the Enneagram and you know, there were. There are certain types right now that are showing up hardcore online and like, thank goodness, like a lot of them are doing it for great reasons. A lot of them are doing it for maybe reasons that are deep rooted and again, no judgment, but there were some types in particular that were saying, well, I feel like I have to be that in order to be successful or to add value or to be worthy or to be all these things. And this episode is to really give you permission to be exactly who you are. You don't have to be, you know, Susie squat queen on Instagram in order to be valuable. Does Susie show up differently than you? And maybe she has success, yes, but you can be equally as valuable and successful in a way that feels authentic to you.

And here's the catch with that. Like, when you are able to be exactly who you are wherever you show up, whether it is in the online space, you know, offline, in your homes, dating, whatever, health, when you are able to be 100% authentic to who you are, not only does it feel a lot better and it is not as hard, but it is also sustainable. And when we are talking about business and working, like if we think about working the rest of our life, if you can do something that's sustainable and is more flow in the flow for you, I'm sure we would all agree that we will wake up a little more excited to do it every day. I know when I try to be something I'm not even subconsciously like, it's usually not a conscious thing when I do it. It's like a coping mechanism that I'll slip into when I go into comparison, right when I try to show up in a way that isn't true to who I am or my Enneagram type or anything, it feels like somebody is yanking teeth out of my head and I will procrastinate I will kick and scream like it is torture. And so this episode is meant to give you permission to just show up as who you are. There are ways that you can show up in the online space or the offline space exactly who you are and be equally as valuable and equally as successful. I promise, I swear to you. And you know, I something I said to this group last week, I was specifically talking to a 9 on the enneagram, a Peacemaker, and she was actually a therapist, and she was trying so hard to be maybe more like a three, right? And I literally said to her in that moment, quantity doesn't necessarily equal transformation. And I gave an example of me, like, as an example, I am not one that goes with the masses. I really, really am not. And like, thankfully, I had one person speak life into me. One person. If it was like something that I was seeing elsewhere, you know, it wasn't about any of that. But I had one person speak into me in a way that all of a sudden the light bulb went off. And because of one person. This is why likes and all that shit doesn't matter. Those are just vanity metrics. They really don't matter. But the power of a conversation with only one human being can have the ripple effect that goes on to impact hundreds of thousands of people. And when I gave her that permission to be okay with one conversation at a time rather than feeding the masses in a certain arena, she said, that felt so good. And I think so many times, especially with social media right now, we look at numbers and likes and comments and we equate our worthiness and our value based on that. And I'm here to tell you guys right here, right now, none of that freaking matters. The power of one conversation with one person can change everything. Not just for you, but for hundreds of thousands, millions of people. Think about Oprah Winfrey like that one person went on to help, you know, millions of people. Brene Brown, millions of people. So, you know, as I go through these types and maybe what your lifelong struggle is, I want to give you some tips and really just lean in. Because you don't have to be anything that you're not, I promise you. So if you are a type one, the perfectionist, the reformer, you probably have struggled with an overwhelming sense of responsibility.

My son has a one wing and you know, as a one, you might feel obligated to do the right thing at all times. You monitor your thoughts and feelings.

You actually probably make sure you're always performing and thinking at your very best. And you worry about being bad, evil, letting people down, that's a big thing for ones. And the constant dialogue in your head is if I could only be XYZ enough or more, things would go easier. And the only, you know, the problem is it's that cycle never ends. There's always a next level, right? And so the other thing that you do sometimes is you try to make up for other people too, if they're not pulling their weight. So your conscious is like your best friend and your harshest critic and you have like this inner critic with a megaphone inside of you. So I want you to be, if you are one to pay attention to your tendency to push yourself maybe beyond your limits, pay attention to your workload and pause when somebody asks you to do something really, like you need that pause button and really think about it before taking on more responsibility. And if you have a voice inside you that criticizes you for taking a little break, don't own it. Like you can have a beautiful loving conversation, not a beat you up kind of conversation with that voice and remind yourself that that voice isn't the end all, be all. And it isn't even you, right? Give yourself some breathers. And if you are one, your homework today is to go try to have some fun. I'm not even going to say try. There's no try, there's only do. So go have some fun. And I know it'll be hard at first, but doing that will push you towards growth. Because if you're a one, where you go in growth is to that enthusiast side of you. So know that if you step into that, that means you're growing. And since you're like the perfectionist, you're going to want to grow anyway. So your homework is to go have some fun without limits. Okay, My twos, the things that you struggle with, and it's something you will be aware of most of your life, is that you have like this aching sense of worthlessness and a compulsion to earn love right through putting yourself last. And my son is a 2. And you know, when he wasn't his healthiest, you know he would be an over giver. And what happens as a two when you kind of think you need to earn love through sacrificing yourself is resentment builds up. Resentment builds up because you have shut down your needs for so long and you so desperately wish somebody would ask you what you need. And because you've kind of created this pattern, very rarely will that happen. You also kind of expect people to read your minds when you're doing this and you can't. And when that doesn't happen, that resentment is like a volcano ready to explode. And eventually it can. Throughout your life, you've probably held onto the belief that you need to put others before yourself. And while this can be noble, sometimes it can be taken too far. You know, there's this fine line and you know, with my son, I've had to tell him, I'm like, okay, what's the motive behind you giving? Like, are you like, low key? Have, have an expectation of something being returned or even like your worthiness? Like, are you doing it because you believe if you do this, you'll have more worthiness? And you struggle with the fear that people will only love you because of what you do for them.

Yeah. And when you nurture the needs of everybody else but yourself.

Like I said, you're. Your health will suffer, your.

Emotions suffer, people will call you a people pleaser. And usually if you go into the unhealthy realm of the two, you'll be taking for granted a lot. You know, we teach people how to treat us right. And I don't want you to feel empty and hurt. And that's what can happen if you tend to do that over and over and over again.

You know, even speaking up for your own needs feels like guilt ridden. And with my son, I'm always asking, like, what do you need right now? And at the beginning, it was very hard for him to say, this is what I need. But now, you know, he's really stepped into it and it's awesome. So what can you do about this if you're too. You can reflect on the fact that no matter what you do in life, there is no pleasing everyone. No matter what, you will never please everyone. And keep reminding yourself that it's okay if some people aren't your friend. And I can hear every two listening right now going, oh my God, oh my gosh. And not everybody is going to be as open with their feelings as you are. Right. So I want you to look for other ways that you might be showing that you care.

Healthy boundaries are going to be your best friend. One of the things I've taught my son to do is especially if like, his initial reaction is he doesn't want to do it, but his natural reaction is just to say, yes, I. I've given this tool to many twos before. Say, you know what, can I get back to you in like 24 hours? And I know that's even hard for a two to say. And if you really don't want to do it. You don't have to, like, lie or come up with an excuse. You don't have to ghost people out. You can just say, that's not going to work for me. And that's not a lie, and it's not an excuse. And, you know, a lot of times A2 will say, well, I don't really have an excuse, so I should say say, yes. But if you don't want to and every part of your physiology is saying, I don't want to do that, then you have every right to say, you know what? That's not going to work for me because I don't want to. And the thing with twos is you do not have to take care of everyone else's needs. And especially, like, if you subconsciously are doing it, like, helping people with their needs because you believe that that's the only way. And, you know, my son and I just had a conversation a couple hours ago about this very thing. You know, he's been very protective of me my entire life or his entire life, you know, and he's been the man of my house since he was 10 years old. And we had a very open conversation about, you know, he does not have to take care of me, even though, like, that's his go to. And it was a beautiful, loving conversation and that.

You know, it's not his responsibility. So for you twos out there, some people need to be able to solve their own problems, and it is not up to you. All right, my threes. You guys are amazing, but sometimes you show up in the world as this achiever because you feel like you need to gain status, because you fear that maybe you have no worth, Right? If you aren't achieving, having success, look a certain way that you don't feel worthy. Threes are people of ambition and achievement. And if you identify with this type, then you probably strive for success in everything you do. You want to make a good impression, achieve goals, show up in the best possible light. Where this can be a problem is that underneath all of the achievements and appearances, you might struggle with a nagging fear that without the accomplishments and obvious success, that you're not worth anything. All the validation in the world feels unsatisfying, you guys kind of, especially if you're not in the healthiest spot, you'll keep moving the finish line, right? Because you're never satisfied, because there's always a next level, right? You guys win at winning.

Where does this come from for you guys? Because most of your life, you've probably Been praised for what you do and not who you are, right? You feel like you can't ever accomplish enough or achieve enough. And no matter how hard you work, there's always a higher goal, like I said. And you can burn out. You can burn out, you can build resentment, you can have jealousy, you can have anger, you might neglect relationships, your health. My therapist actually thought I was a three because a lot of my behaviors mimic that. But the motive behind why I do what I do is not based on what a 3 does. And this is why, like when you are getting typed or typing yourself, looking at the motives behind each type is really, really important. So what to do about it? If you are a three, that, yeah, you're sitting there, you may not admit it because you guys don't have time for feelings. A lot of times you don't even want to deal with it. It slows you down. And I understand. But eventually it's going to catch up to you. So I'm going to encourage my threes to give yourself regular breaks. And I can hear you already saying, yeah, hell to the no, right? But do it. I promise you. You want to play the long game and taking these pauses here and there to focus on like yourself, your breathing and checking in, asking yourself and being willing to be completely honest with yourself. Like, are you feeling tired, angry, sad, happy? Think of things you can do for yourself to improve your physical or emotional well being and not because you want to look a certain way on the outside, right? Or because.

There'S a goal tied to it. I really want you to just say like, this is self honoring. There is no like data sheet or there's no keeping score on this. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do for me.

You know, taking naps, trusting, talking to friends.

And this is really important for threes. And I see a lot of times when a three is in a healthy space, they're surrounded by a lot of people, but they don't really have a confidant or they have a different bestie. Like they rotate besties. So I'm going to encourage my threes to find people that you trust and that you can be vulnerable and open with where you can say like, okay, I don't have to be a certain thing for them to love me. You don't have to appear to be on top of everything, but find somebody you can be 100% genuine with. And having that friend really can help you really learn how to be and know that you're loved for who you Are and not just what you do. All right, My fours, my individualists, where you tend to struggle most of the time when you do struggle, and this is something you'll pay attention to most of your life, is that you have this nagging sense of being misunderstood, insignificant, and even disconnected. Like, you feel like you're almost like outside of yourself. Because fours kind of venture, venture through life feeling fundamentally different from the people that surround them. And if you identify with the fours, then you probably have felt misunderstood or like an alien in your own family as a child. A lot of times when I talk to fours, they definitely feel like they were maybe the black sheep. All types can feel like that. But there's something about the fours that they're acutely aware of their own deficiencies and differences. And sometimes as a way of coping with that, they have tried to create an identity out of their inner experience. And what makes them unique. And where this can be a problem is that sometimes you can struggle with understanding who you really are. And the more that you seek a unique identity, the more it can feel out of your grasp. Right. And so, like, there's a next level of uniqueness to you. It's why a lot of artists, musicians, creatives fall into the four. The fours also have a wide range of emotions. They can feel melancholy, lonely and envious of others who seem to just meander through life with no problems. Right. And they think they can tend to think the grass is greener on the other side. And even though the fours love being unique, there is a part of them that kind of secretly wishes that they could just enjoy the easiness and security that other seem to enjoy. And that's the key word is like seem. Fours can build up a story in their head about what it is like for others. And envy is like their underlying emotion that pops up for them sometimes. You know, for fours on their worst days, they feel completely alienated, sometimes hopeless. And they probably struggle the most with self hatred, where the ones have like an inner critic. The type fours actually kind of can really go to a really dark place. So if you're a four and what you can do about it, and I, you know, fours, I can spot them. I love them. They really love good, authentic, deep conversations.

But if you're a four and you kind of go down that roller coaster of, you know, self hatred or hopeless or really dark places, remember that your feelings may be lying to you sometimes, right? Right. If you find yourself feeling hopeless and feeling unloved, try to pause and look at the facts. Like feelings Aren't facts. Feelings aren't facts. That's something I learned in rehab, actually. I was like, what? Yes. Feelings aren't facts. And here's the other thing. Sometimes feelings can last two seconds to two minutes. And that was one of the things, because I'm a reactor and so are fours.

This is a really good tip for you guys.

Feelings last two minutes to or two seconds to two minutes. And so if I'm really wanting to react, and if you're a four, wanting to react, really kind of sit in that pause for two minutes and really start asking yourselves questions, right? Like, is this factual? Let's look at like, okay, who loves me? Who can I trust? What is stable and dependable in my life? Like, look for facts that discount, you know, that. That shame.

Cycle you're about to go in, what experiences bring you joy and, you know, seek out friends who will be compassionate with you, but also direct and let you know what's up. That's why fours and eights get along really well, because, like, the eights will tell straight. Shoot it. But for the fours and eights, we're both such emotional types that it doesn't seem too heavy for us. But you know, you know, when you have somebody that will be dependable and. And tell you the truth out of love, it's important, and that can also be compassionate with you. So for fours, it's really important to set up consistent and healthy routines in your life. If you kind of sway off a routine, you can go dark really, really quick, and it feels like an avalanche. And you can kind of find yourself forgetting about your physical and social needs when your inner, inner world feels so overwhelming, even if you're smiling on the outside, but it feels like you're implod.

You know, you can start ghosting your friends, your people you care about, your health might take a shit. So set reminders on your phone. Fours need structure, even if they resist it. Give yourself a routine. Give yourself some structure. If you need to put reminders or have an accountability partner. Do things that are good for your body, like drinking enough water, going to sleep at a decent time, getting outside, spending time disconnected from electronics, and really find those people in your life that you can have deep, deep, deep conversations because you crave that so much. And you know what? When you are able to do that, you will realize that you are not as misunderstood as you thought. My fives, you have an. Where you struggle most of your life is having a fear of being overwhelmed, incapable, or helpless. Which is why you guys tend to have an endless search for knowledge. Fives tend to have a relentless need to pursue knowledge. And not just any knowledge. Like, you gotta have all the knowledge. And it's usually something specialized and unusual, like fun facts. Like, you fives are the king and queens of the fun facts. Like, shit that you would never know. Like, you're the Jeopardy. Jeopardy Kings and queens too. And where this comes from is you feel like if you are able to learn enough, then you can handle life and survive and you. And you won't be blindsided by being incapable. And the more you believe that the more knowledge you have in a niche category, the more you feel you can gain independence and confidence. But the problem is, is that no matter how much knowledge you get, you still worry that you aren't prepared enough to take your place in the world. And so this is where, you know, the isolation comes in. You start to ghost and shut out people so that they won't overwhelm you or drain you of your energy resources. And instead of, like, at a retreat, you retreat in your own mind so that you can feel safe, so that you can view things more objectively. And you tend to cut yourself off from your emotional needs. Like, you just, like, cut the cord and then you hoard knowledge and personal space. So, like, for the quarantine, I've said this on a few episodes, like, this is like, you're loving this right now because you have to have your own personal space. But where you can get into trouble with this as a 5, especially if you're kind of going down an unhealthy path, is that this can lead to physical neglect of yourself.

Of your eccentric personality, which you do have. You might have distorted perceptions and the isolation. You can get kind of carried away with it. So what you can do as a five is practice being present in the moment. Look around yourself and notice the details around you. Reconnect with the world through physical activity. And, you know, take it up a notch and invite a friend. Do yoga, martial arts, take a walk. But if you awaken your body, you're gonna find that your mind is sharper and you're less plagued by uncertainty. So really, like opening your eyes and leaving the electronics, you know, either in your backpack or away. And just look at the wonder around you, because when you are taking care of yourself physically, your mind will actually be sharper and you won't have to hoard as much. Make the effort to spend time with people who care about you. Let people in. They won't drain you of energy. I promise. If you choose wisely. And it's easy for you to not expect anything from anyone, but there may be people who really want to support you and show you love. So let them.

Practice stating what you need and expressing your thoughts. Connect with your feelings in a safe place or with somebody you trust. And I've coached several Fives before, and this is a really hard thing for them at first, but once they do, the freedom that comes.

Allows them to really tap into all that knowledge they've been hoarding for so long. So, you know, definitely seek that out. The type Six, my loyalists, my closest friends, are Sixes. You guys have a relentless, relentless anxiety about abandonment and worst case scenario, the what if, so what ifs, but what if, but what if, right? And I have so much compassion, I can't imagine, you know, I have my own set of issues as an Eight, but, like, as a Six, to always be thinking, like, what's the worst case scenario? Right? And, you know, whatever you focus on is what you're going to find. So for a Six, if you're constantly looking for worst case scenarios, you might find them. But sometimes you guys like it because at least you were prepared. I know it sounds silly when I even say it, and if you're a 6, listening, you're like, yeah, it's crazy, but that's what we do, right? Sixes have a strong desire for security. Like, their number one motive for everything they do is to have security, certainty, support. Like, every decision they make, every conversation they have, that is the driving force behind it. So, like, if you say to a Six, don't worry about it.

Like, they want to throat punch you because they are worried about it and they will worry about it. And so as an Eight, understand that, like, that was my favorite thing because I just handle shit. Eights just handle shit. But with a Six, when we say, you know, don't worry about it, they're like, no, I will. And I have a spreadsheet of worries, right?

So like I said, they have a strong desire for security alongside an equally strong suspicion, authority, and institutions. So if you are a Six or you identify as a loyalist, you are, like I said, deeply loyal, protective of your loved ones, but you also feel uncertain about their support, so you worry about being left alone or without the resources to handle life. So if a 6 trusts you, and I take this very seriously, because like I said, I have three or four of my very, very close friends that are Sixes, and I know that if they trust me, my. My word has to be a hundred percent solid. So If I ever say I'm going to do something to a six, not that I don't follow through with other people, but like, I know how important it is for them, and so I take it very seriously. The Sixes loyalists struggle with confidence in their own judgments. So sometimes you guys can look for extra answers in books. You might ask too many people, and then you become more.

Confused. You might have an incessant urge to work so that you can provide security for yourself or your family. A lot of my six friends can be a little workaholic from time to time. So really checking yourself with that. But no matter how much you look for answers and security, it always seems beyond your grasp. You're still like, but what if. But wait, there's more.

You might feel like you're constantly struggling to find a firm ground or something or someone that you can rely on. Because let's just be real, early on in life, you were probably really let down and you got blindsided. And the blind side for a six feels like death sometimes. Like, if they have one phrase, I might have said this before. Like your bumper sticker would be like, how did I not see that coming? Right?

So when they are able to surround themselves with people like especially Eights, who will handle shit, it's pretty good. On your worst day, you might feel like intense fear, depression, worry, because you've role played every worst case scenario in your head and you can't even come up for air when you're doing that. So what can you do if you're a loyalist?

Surround yourself with people that will pour love into you that are true to their word. Right. As soon as you experience a moment of calm, your mind tends to instantly latch onto, like, the next horrifying worry. And the next time that you have a moment of peace or accomplishment, I want you to pause and relax and breathe and take that mental snapshot of that moment and refuse to let your mind wander to all that could go wrong. Think of who and what you can trust. Connect with something in your environment that calms you. Yoga is really good for you. Sixes, whether that's a song, a poem, person you love, part of nature. Take frequent breathers throughout the week to enjoy peace and quiet and beauty. And spending time in, you know, peaceful surroundings will help you feel more at ease and less overwhelmed with the darkness and negative possibilities of the world. And I know that for a Six that that can be a challenge. But when you are able to really do that, you will be. You'll be able to sleep a lot better at night, too. My sevens, your biggest struggle most of your life will be this anxious feeling that the grass is always greener on the other side. It's why you're, like, escaping from thing to thing. But wait, what if I miss out on the thing if I'm stuck here in this commitment? Sevens are focused on the world of possibilities and adventure. My sevens, they love imagining all the experiences that you can enjoy future opportunities. Like, you guys are the big dreamers, and I love it. I'm raising a seven. It's hard to wrangle, y'. All. I will tell you that if you identify with this as a seven, the enthusiast, then you probably struggle with a persistent fear that you are missing out. You don't like the idea of being trapped or unable to explore more options. And boredom is like your arch nemesis. You become impatient and restless when life doesn't give you variety and stimulation. So that's why you try to stay as busy as possible, juggling many different ideas. You know, if your phone or the text message goes off, you're. That you're like, you're the instant texter backer, right? Because you're like, oh, maybe a fun experience is waiting for me, right?

What you may not realize, though, is that in your effort to constantly experience more, you're ignoring pain or insecurities that are deep in your soul. And the more distracted you become, the more you feel like you can ignore those feelings and the monotony of it. So on the outside, you appear optimistic, enthusiastic, and for sure, that is how you want to feel on the inside. But the minute you start to feel boredom, your anxiety emerges. So in your efforts to distract yourself, you may become unfocused, selfish, and addicted to instant gratification. And the other thing that is really important about sevens, too, is because you kind of portray like you're this free spirited, fun loving person. If you do find yourself in a friend group or in a relationship where you have a hard day, not everybody's gonna know how to handle it. And sometimes you can have resentment, right? My daughter, she's always like the happy friend, but, you know, every once in a while and you know, she's better about asking for her needs and she's willing to go and feel the hard things sometimes. But I had to tell her, like, you need to understand that you have kind of conditioned people that this is how you are. So until they really can read that a little bit better, you have to be willing to say, this is what I need right now, and be able to sit in that with people for a little bit because you know what, the people that care about you absolutely want to be there for you and they don't want to assume that everything's great all the time. But you're going to have to be willing to kind of sit in some negative emotions for a little bit so you can handle that and so people can help you. So what else can you do? If you're a 7the enthusiast, you can practice completing ordinary activities. Like my daughter. Like, one of the things that make her feel really good about herself actually is running errands. Like if she goes to the post office and does this, like she feels, feels really accomplished, right? Because she doesn't feel as scattered. So like practice doing that. Like give yourself one day a week where you do like the errand run or you know, you just handle these ordinary things. Bring your attention to the task you've started and notice when your attention wanders. Like, be really mindful of where your brain starts to go and then keep guiding your attention back to the task at hand, no matter how hard it is. And they can be hard, but as you do this, you'll notice these uncomfortable feelings start to emerge. And some may be physical. Like you get tired, hungry, thirsty, because you're trying to distract your mind. While others might be emotional. And these triggers might tempt you to change your activity so that you don't have to concentrate on them or deal with them. So you can either write them down, you can talk to a trusted friend, and after you finish your task, think about how you can deal with them. Right.

Like I said.

Talking to somebody that you can trust is important. I know it's easier to stay busy, but the true healing really involves finishing what you start and then taking the time to tune into who you really are and what you really feel. And meditation for my sevens is going to be really, really good too. Yoga and meditation is great for you guys. My eights, my fellow challengers. Where we will constantly struggle is to constantly have. We really believe we constantly have to push against the world to have independence. But what happens is we miss out on good things in the process.

Oh my gosh, it's so true. You know, as a challenger myself, I look at things in my life. You know, the walls that eights put up are some of the biggest walls you'll ever see. And you know, because we feel that we have to self protect. I look back on my life and there are some things that out on I robbed myself a lot of joy.

So eights want to feel solid and that we can't be, you know, correct. Eights, the challengers crave freedom over their own lives and they often feel that they can't look to others for support. It's very hard for a challenger to say, I need xyz, I need help. Please let me lean in very, very hard. So if you have a challenger in your life that says like is willing to be vulnerable with, you know, with all your being, how much they trust you and how hard that is for them, if you also identify as an 8 or challenger, you probably felt that you were pushed to grow up way too quickly. I was having a conversation yesterday about this very thing that at the age of four, I felt like a parent.

Eights did not feel safe being soft or vulnerable in any way as a child. And to deal with this, eights develop tough, resourceful attitude towards life. I am probably the most resourceful person I know.

The eights, the challengers are the strong ones and they can handle a great deal of physical pain without complaining. But deeply fear, like, seriously, you could beat the shit out of me and it fine, no problem. But emotionally hurt me, reject me, control, try to control me. Yeah, no, that's where we will bite. Beneath the tough exterior of the eights, the challengers is beneath that tough outer layer, someone who really craves emotional affirmation and love. Because so many eights, myself included, did not have that as a child. And so it's obviously what we're craving, but because we haven't had it or when we thought we should, habit, it wasn't given to us.

It'S hard for us to get there. So know that if you are parenting an 8, loving an 8, have an 8 as a friend, know that's, that's really that we crave connection probably more than any type. But you'll never know it. Especially if we're not healthy because we put the walls up. It's also want to let people in, but that means being vulnerable. So it's like this, this push, pull all the time. Like let, let people in but then be vulnerable. No, no, no, we don't want to be that. Right. So it's like this cat chasing the mouse game. Because eights are so focused on being.

Impervious to pain and independent, we have a tendency of pushing people away before you have a chance to hurt us. Right. And looking back at my life, yeah, I can see that on the worst days of an eight, we can become very competitive, guarded, vengeful, bitter, bully. Like.

Yeah, like a rabid dog sometimes. So my Fellow eights, what we can do about this. And this is going to feel really, really silly to some of you, and I'm here to tell you, my eight friends, like, this was hard in the beginning, but now it's probably like, this will be the thing that allows you to experience all of joy and know that you're safe as well. So even though it's going to feel really awkward at first, it's important for you to get in touch with your feelings, because the more you focus on guarding yourself and pushing against the world, the less you may actually realize the emotions that are underlying your behaviors. And this has been fascinating for me. Like, I. I can now understand why I do everything that I do, and it's like, wow. And I have compassion, right? Eights, my challengers, if you have somebody you can trust, practice opening up to them about your feelings, grievances, struggles in real time. A lot of times, myself included, Eights will only like. If we found somebody in our life that we can be vulnerable with, we usually will only do it after we've figured out a way to handle it because.

We don't want to have to need anybody. But I'm going to encourage my eights, and this has been really hard. Only the last two years have I really leaned into. This is in real time leaning into people that I can trust.

And it's been one of the greatest gifts of my life. So I'm going to really, really encourage you to do it. Don't assume that other people don't want to hear these things and don't apologize. I have to catch myself because I will sometimes, like, start to say with my closest friends, I. I'm sorry. I know this is a lot. And it's like, nope, I'm not going to apologize. People do want to be there for you because that's how trusting and intimate relationships happen. Eights appreciate it when other people listen and accept where you are. Store that feeling away when you feel tempted to block people out. And I have to kind of go back to that one, because every day I wake up saying, I'm going to shut my shit down every single day. That is my intention, because it doesn't feel safe to open up. And every day, because my new standard is now living like this. I'm like, look at that vulnerability coming out of my freaking mouth right now. But that's where freedom is, my challenger. Friends 8, we also have to really avoid workaholism. Guilty. Working is an important part of life, but you also need it. You also need moderation. Rest and restoration, quiet time in nature and meditation and play, which is something I've only learned. I know I was given a seven as a daughter to teach me what play looks like because I did not have any idea what that looks like. My nines, my peacemakers, where you struggle most in your life is tuning out of your own inner feelings and instincts to cope with the fear of loss or conflict. And if you've listened to episodes before, my nine wing is pretty much where I resided as a kid. Like, this is where I would go in my home. Because nines believe in maintaining internal as well as external peace at all costs. You guys work to maintain harmony, not only outside, but inside. You look at the bright side of life and are usually the most easygoing and in tune with the spiritual world. If you identify as a peacemaker a9, you can tend to struggle with saying what you want. Like, your bumper sticker would say, I don't care. Whatever you want, right? And standing up for yourself sometimes can be hard because you don't want to rock the boat. Like in my home as a child with my nine wing, yeah, I would not. I did not want to rock any boat. You might find that you disappear into the background when tensions in your environment arise. Either you become the peacemaker or make yourself scarce to avoid disrupting your own kind of inner harmony. You might be tempted to go along with other people instead of stating what you actually believe. If you disagree, for you guys, it can feel like arguments aren't worth having or that your inner anxieties and issues aren't worth dealing with, so you kind of just shove it down. And unfortunately, this can lead to a feeling of inner loss or confusion about who you really are as a person.

You feel like the chameleon all the time. You're like, I don't even know what I want, what I desire. Like, when I ask a 9 that's kind of not in the healthiest spot, what lights them up? You guys kind of get a deer in the headlights look because you've conformed to keeping things around you just okay. That you don't even know what you would want. And so this is a really great time for you to explore that.

You also might find that you're not getting your needs met because you're so determined not to make a fuss, right? Like I said, whatever you want. So, my nines, I want you to practice. Like, if some. If you're going out with somebody or like somebody says, what do you want for dinner? Where do you want to go to Eat. Just like, don't say, I don't care. Whatever you want. I want you to make a decision. That's your homework for today. You guys also suppress your anger, sometimes for long periods of time, only to have it bubble up and pour out, either in rage, which is rare. I see more. Usually with nines, you're more passive aggressive, right? Which can be pretty aggressive. So if you're a 9, you know your superpower is inclusivity, community wisdom. You guys see the bigger picture of things. So remember that while humility is a good thing, it's also not wise to discount your needs though, right? And your abilities. I want you guys to practice saying no when you don't want to do something. And if you're asked an opinion, I want you to give it. Because always agreeing to what other people want might feel easier in the short term, but in the long game, it can result, like I said, in passive aggressiveness. Frustration, resentment. You will not take care of yourself.

So take some time each day in the morning to determine what you want to get out of your day. Because you guys can procrastinate if you're not careful too. Remind yourself that you are allowed to have desires and opinions and take time to meet your own needs. Take time to develop your own unique hobbies and talents. And don't let yourself disappear into someone else's life. Right? So as we move through current times and you know, there's so much talk about pivoting, pivoting, pivoting in uncertain times. And you might be trying to conform into something that doesn't feel completely authentic, but it's what you believe you need to do. I really want you to think back at this. And you know, each of these types, whatever type you fall under, you have your own set of superpowers and trying to be something you're not. Although for short term, you might be able to move the needle, it will never be sustainable and it will feel like a grind every damn day. You don't do not have to be anything that you're not. I promise you there is value and worth. There's success in each of these types. And I'm sure we would all agree that if things are easier for us, we're going to do it a lot longer and it's going to feel a lot better. And quite honestly, when we are able to show up as who we are, that confidence is built. I was talking to my son today about.

The fact that I am able to show up completely as who I am, not just in business, not Just in online space, not just in my home with my kids, not just in my relationships and my friendships, but everywhere in my life. And it feels so much better. Even if things don't go the way that I want them to, sometimes knowing that I don't have to be anything but who I was always designed to be makes it a hell of a lot easier to deal with. Right? And so even though there's so much uncertainty going on in the world, and maybe if you're listening to this in your life, you're scared, I'm scared, too. I mean, there's so much unknown.

But knowing that I have leaned into my gifts and my superpowers and not trying to be something that I'm not lets me know that regardless of what comes up, even if some of the worst things have happened and they have the last year, that I am equipped, capable, resourceful to handle it. And I want you to know that you are, too. But you won't be able to do that if you're trying to be something you're not. And so if you are listening right now and you're like, you know what? I have been trying to be something I'm not, or you might even go down the road of saying, I'm so fucking full of shit right now, I don't want you to say that in a way that beats you up. I want you, yes, to admit it to yourself. And I want you to have compassion and love and really recognize that that was you just trying to have certainty and safety and that it doesn't serve you to keep doing it that way, that you have gifts and talents and value by being who you are. And if you are somebody that is like trace, I identify with all of them, and I don't know what the hell I am. And I don't know where to begin. Please know that I love working with people and not only helping them figure out what their core enneagram type is, but also taking them through the experience and the journey of explaining where you go under stress and where you go in growth and your wings and subtypes and all the complexities of the Enneagram to really give you your soul. Roadmap. So I would love if this is something that is resonating with you, if you want some help or if you are somebody in business that has a team, organization business, that you are working with people and you know the communication is not going the way that you would like it to, and you're not sure how to lead people through so much uncertainty because you're struggling with your own, please reach out. I do team.

Team workshops and all sorts of stuff. You can go to Tracey O' Malley.com under Work with Me. You can fill out a little questionnaire. We can talk about what customized needs you might need. Or if you just want to figure out what type you are, we can do that too. Also, if you loved this episode and it landed on your heart, please take a screenshot when you're safe and not driving. I would love to know what you learned and what you got from this episode and how this resonated with you. And if you believe that this can help help somebody you care about, please share it. And in the meantime, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it. And tag me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest in a loving 5 star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof. Sam.