46: How the Enneagram can help effectively communicate with those you love the most

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up, let's go.

Hey. Hey. And welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And you know, this one I think is going to be a really great episode because we're gonna be talking about communication and specifically communication with people you really, really care about, you know, and understanding the Enneagram. And when both parties understand the Enneagram, the beautiful parts that come with that and also the really challenging parts that come with that. And I'm going to be completely transparent right now. I feel like, and I know this is going to help you all and usually when I am raw and triggered in all the best ways and just like say screw it and turn on the mic, usually it seems to help the most. So I didn't want to overthink this for you because if I'm feeling this, I'm certain I'm not the only one. And I work best when I just say fuck it and go and help you in real time with what I'm dealing with. So, you know, we are on the hopefully tail end of quarantine and things like that. And you know, I live with.

You know, my two 20 somethings, which you know, brings challenges in of itself. We're great, we have a great relationship and I'm still mom, right? And so there's that dynamic. The people that I keep very close in my life, there is full transparency and my inner circle is very, very small. You know, I have friends and I think this whole quarantine thing has really been an eye opener for many of you as well on maybe the people in our lives that we need to take an inventory of. And it doesn't make anybody bad or wrong or any of those things. However, we can see how our energy is very sacred and you know, where we are depleted maybe in relationships and communication with people doesn't mean we don't love them or love them from afar sometimes. But.

You know, I know for myself, I have been made very much self aware about myself, even more about how I communicate. And when I am experiencing something that's uncomfortable, I'm not even saying stressed, but something that's really uncomfortable for me and where I tend to go. And although I'm so grateful.

For the people in my life that will call me to the carpet.

It also, oh, I'm getting emotional, I can feel it. It also is very hard to hear.

And I know that it comes from a place of love. And this is why it's so important that you have surrounded yourself by people that you trust completely. And I know that anybody that I choose to let in will always communicate from a place of love, even if it's hard to. And the last maybe two weeks, I've had some harder conversations with people I really care about. Friends, family, things like that. And basically being told that I maybe am pulling away.

I'm quiet, I am shutting down, I am insensitive even though I'm not saying anything. And.

This is hard because most of my younger life.

Although you put me in a situation where I had to defend somebody or out on the playground or you know, in social like school or sports or things like that, like hardcore 8 totally to the surface, like, you would see the 8 plain as day, no question about it. But when it came to people I care about.

I would get quiet. And a lot of that has to do with the eight that we're super protective. Everything that we communicate with and every decision we make, it's coming from a place of protection. And in our most vulnerable relationships, especially when we're scared or uncertain, we can tend to go to that very quiet place that is protective. And the people that know me best can feel that energy pull, right? And it's not even intentional. And it's more of a processing thing for me because in the old days I would, you know, just react in anger and then I have to apologize in the cycle. So it's sometimes it's easier for me to just kind of sit back and observe.

The situation. But when you have let people into your heart completely.

They can feel the second that you pull away. And, and it's not pulling away out of rejection of them or any of that, but because an 8 energy is so powerful and strong.

It'S not something that goes unnoticed. And the people in my life that are the ones that mean the most to me have really brought this to my attention. The last few weeks. And it is not hard to hear, or I'm sorry, it's not easy to hear at all. Because I go back, like, for a split second, I go back into that little girl who just fuck, never felt good enough. Like, I can't do anything right. Like, I can't do what I want to do without it affecting everyone.

And I wanted to talk about communication styles and the enneagram and each type and how, you know, when, you know, everybody that's close to me really understands the enneagram, which is great and not so great because, you know, they know the toolbox that I'm working with, which is awesome. I actually really do love it. There's nothing not great about it.

That being said, I. Even though some of the stuff that I've heard is hard to hear, and it's beautiful, it's all beautiful, but it's super vulnerable for me. Right.

I also recognize how brave and courageous it takes.

How brave and courageous it is for someone close to me to have to address something hard with me. Because as an eight, they know where we can go when we feel under attack. And not that anything is being said that is attacking. However, you know, that's my automatic go to is like, I'm being rejected. Attacked, like, no, I will go into protection mode, even. I don't care if it's my. My children in the past. Like, that protective kind of aura about me can take over. And, you know, the last few weeks, I've. I've had to have hard conversations and hear things that aren't critical. They're just bringing things to my attention, and I'm so grateful for it. And it's really hard because I'm navigating things in my life that are newer to me or that I haven't explored in a long time. And I feel the most raw and vulnerable than I've ever felt in my life this last year. In general.

Especially in my friendships, you know, I've opened myself up and allowed myself in real time to lean in and let people know that I need them, which is new for me. As an eight, we pretty much operate that we don't freaking need anybody because that's just too vulnerable, and we won't be protected if we need somebody. So.

Just a few hours ago, I had another hard conversation. Like, geez, it's coming at me. Coming in hot. And my initial reaction was to shut down or to go to that place. An 8 under stress gets a kind of quiet, even more introverted and very secretive, or at least Appears secretive. And it's just more gathering information and assessing. It's where an 8 can go into analysis. Paralysis. Because we take on the average unhealthy 5 when we are under stress. And both these conversations, or more than. There's been three of them actually in the last two weeks, that. That is what is happening for me. And, you know, you've heard me say it before. Instead of beating myself up, which is initially where I wanted to go, like, I suck as a friend, I suck as a mom, I suck at this, I suck at that, or like, I can't do anything right, that's initially where I want to go. And that's old patterns and old negative thinking. I recognize that, okay, this is a compass. Why am I feeling like this? And I'm very aware of what it is. And to be able to receive that feedback because that's all it is. And it's coming from love, which is beautiful. Knowing that I have people in my life that unconditionally love me and care about me enough to speak truth. It doesn't mean it's easy to hear, but that's how we grow. And, oh, you know, as somebody who's never. There's been one person I've let in my life completely, and he's been gone now almost exactly a year that he saw all parts of me. And, you know, since he's been gone, I really recognize that I needed more of that in my life. And it's safe to do that. And it's not easy. I feel like I'm in kindergarten, to be honest with you, and this is all brand new to me. But I wanted to talk about how, you know, understanding the Enneagram can make your relationships better. And especially when, you know, your friendships, your, you know, more adult children, your lovers, your spouses, your partners, whatever people that you care about. How understanding this can build stronger relationships that last for the long haul. And, you know, you want the best relationship possible with people that you love. You want to be heard, respected, and loved unconditionally. And, you know, like I said, that is not something that I was willing to play in in any relationship. And, you know, I've said this before, even with my own children, they didn't even get all the parts of me until the last few years. I didn't even recognize that that's what I was doing. But.

You gotta. If that's what you want, you have to give it right? You gotta give what you want back. Being heard and respected and loved is all possible as long as everybody's committed to making that happen. And even though that's what I wanted, I wasn't necessarily giving that. And it was no surprise to me that, like, I loved people and I cared about the people in my life. But I always felt a disconnect, especially when I went under stress, just like I have been the last few weeks. I feel it.

So how can the Enneagram help you have healthy communication and healthy relationships, and you've heard me talk about this before, that I believe the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level without that emotional charge. Right. Because in the past, had the things that have been said to me the last two weeks come at me, there would have been an emotional charge where I probably would have lashed out. I would have attacked or bit back or even just cut people out. I'm just being completely honest. So understanding the tool of the Enneagram can help you see yourself at a more objective, less emotionally charged level. And it can be super valuable in your path to self knowledge and self understanding and self compassion. The self awareness piece has been huge. I was feeling the rumble in me and the quiet roar. It's like a storm brewing. You know, I've described that that way a couple times the last few weeks. Like, you know, I don't exactly know what the storm is gonna look like, but I feel it brewing. It's kind of like you can smell it in the air, right? And it also helps. The Enneagram can also help you accept, love yourself. And this also what I love about the Enneagram, too. And, you know, this is something I learned in recovery about keeping my side of the street clean and owning my part. But, you know, understanding the tool, the Enneagram, really makes it a little easier to 100% take responsibility for your own behavior. And when you take responsibility for your own behavior, it invites you to focus on what you're capable of changing. Because remember, the only thing you can change and the only thing that you have control over is you. We don't have control over people, places, or things, only our response and our reactions to them. So it also allows me and many people that I work with to be more understanding of the people that I care about. It gives me language that I can use, that I know speaks to them, that's free of judgment and allows me to more effectively communicate with people I care about.

You know, where I got into trouble as an adult is when I wasn't aware of how my personality sometimes limited my choices in life, how it cut people off How I robbed myself of beautiful relationships and friendships and also how it made other people feel. I didn't like that. Like, when I understood this, I was like, oh, shit. No wonder. Like, no wonder.

What I also love about the Enneagram too, is, you know, when you understand and look at it as a tool and a compass. Like, recognizing where I go under stress, hearing the things that I've been hearing the last few weeks about why I'm pulling back, or feeling a disconnect with people that I care about so deeply. Again, my initial response is like, I suck. I'm an asshole. Because that's what AIDS can be sometimes, right? We can, we can be fucking assholes sometimes. And even though that isn't my energy, the disconnect feels very.

Personal. And it's not. It's just kind of me observing. So with new insights from this toolbox, you can have more options and choices in communicating.

You know, becoming more self aware. It allows you to see yourself as others experience you, which has been very eye opening for me. It also allows you to see your strengths and, you know, maybe the little rougher edges without self judgment, like I said. The other thing that it allows you to see is the protective walls that you put your put up around yourself over the years that keep you safe. And, you know, where I'm at right now in my life and the things I'm exploring and allowing into my life, it is not an area that I've played in in a long, long time. And.

Although it's beautiful and amazing, there are moments that I feel like, abort mission. This is so not safe. And you know, understanding the Enneagram really allows me to say, no, no, no, we're safe. Like, assess the situation for what it really is. I know this isn't that you know all the things so you can have compassion for yourself and really look at the areas of your life where maybe protective walls you felt were necessary early on in your life. The good news about the Enneagram is that it allows you to have this dent, this deep inner wisdom that becomes available to you in every moment. And it can help you access your inner wisdom through the three brain centers. And you guys have heard me talk about them, you know, the head, the heart, and the gut. And when you can access the wisdom of your body through the things you're experiencing, you can access the heart through your emotions, and you can access your spiritual center through your quiet mind. And so even though my mind has been pulling back and like it is, I'm accessing my spiritual Center. But for the people that love me, they may not understand what's happening. And so I'm having to communicate that without being defensive or beating myself up for it. It's okay, because with practice, you can move into that presence, right? This is an area that, like I said, I haven't touched on in a long time. And so it requires more of a quiet mind for me. And that's something that the people closest to me are not really familiar with in a long, long time. Because I'm really just so decisive and move through my life with so much certainty and a boldness that when this has come into my life, it's requiring me to kind of go into my quiet mind and understanding this, I can communicate that without going to dark places. Like I said, with practice, you can move into that presence. And because I haven't practiced this area in a long time, you know, it's requiring me to communicate a little bit more effectively. Because when you are. When you are present, you are neither living in the past or future, and you can be open to what is actually going on in the present moment. And it allows you to simply know what you need to do, which is like, thank God, because I can tell you right now, had these very people come at me 10 years ago, it wouldn't be pretty. Right? The other thing that the understanding the Enneagram really is helpful with, you begin to understand your partner, whether it's, you know, a romantic partner, you know, children partners, business partners, friendship partners. I mean, I have tons of partners in my life, people that I care about. You know, any kind of inner circle relationship that I have, I consider a partner in my growth and partner in my life, Right? So in a relationship, your partner can remain a mystery, and you can remain a mystery to them, too. So, but understanding, when both parties understand the Enneagram, you can get a glimpse of what it is like to be in their shoes a little bit more clear than just the words that they say or the behaviors that they are portraying. So understanding the people that I care about, the partners in my life, like, knowing these things, even if they can't communicate it or aren't communicating it to me, I can understand how they are seeing and experiencing the world in a way that's a little different than me. And things that may seem completely obvious to me maybe aren't necessarily that to them. And so hearing the feedback that I've gotten the last few weeks, one is a four, one is a six, one is a two, one is a seven, like they experience and see Life very different than me as an 8 does, right? Very, very different. And understanding that they're not wrong, they're not right. They're just having their experience with me that maybe is very different than how I'm experiencing it. But knowing that allows me to accept their feedback without feeling completely attacked. Right.

My partners in my life are not trying to drive me crazy, which is great. Like, and I appreciate that. I appreciate the bravery it takes to have a communication interaction with me sometimes, especially if I've been quiet because it's like, oh shit, she could either completely blow her stack, which in the past I've been known to do, or she's going to completely shut down. Right. Thankfully, with this understanding of myself and the people on the receiving on the other end of the communicating, I know why they're feeling that way. Like with my six person, like I understand why she is feeling what she's feeling with my two person, I understand why he is feeling that with the four person. And it's like I understand why they're saying this based on their interaction with me and you know, understanding that allows me to grow in compassion for them in dealing with me and also compassion for myself. Right? Because we each have our own kind of like triggers and struggles. And just because I might find something easy and understand exactly what's happening with myself, which I do, I very much am clear that I am going into my quiet spiritual mind. It doesn't mean that the people that care about me most see it that way or understand it because it's kind of newer. I haven't been in this spot, like I said, in a very long time.

So like I said, each of the types have their strengths and growing edges. And as you learn about each other's types.

You can gain insight into both of our worlds. And that like this has been such a game changer and how I communicate with my kids and you know, having 20 something year old kids, like that's real life. It's not just like I'm there for their basic necessities. They're, they're coming to me with real life hard things and, you know, challenging me a bit. And understanding their makeup allows me to kind of not take it in a way that I might have a decade ago. Because as we gain insight on each other, we are invited to more profound compassion for the people we care about. And it's beautiful. The other way, the enneagram can really help you in your partnerships. Relationships is you can find a common language. And I'm so thankful that I have Introduced the Enneagram to the people I love the most and that they are very with dealing with me.

All of them. Most of them, I would say, have deep knowledge of the eight.

And the eight. Challenger is the strongest energy on the Enneagram. Not the best energy, not the worst, but just, you know, an 8, for sure when you're around them. And I am so grateful that the people that love me have done their due diligence and understanding.

Not just me, but what Eights tend to do under stress. So they don't necessarily take it personal. It doesn't mean they don't have the hard conversation. But.

You know, for them to understand my love language and the way that I communicate. It's one thing for Tracy to be the Enneagram queen and be able to be, like, this rock star communicator. And I can have conversations with anybody, and I can. But it's another thing when the people that you care about want to speak your language, too. And as somebody that didn't feel very heard or understood or seen most of her life, knowing that the people that love me the most are working hard to understand my language is really important to me. And it feels really fucking vulnerable, as you can hear in my voice. But it allows us to have a common language, to work through our challenges as partners, couples, parents, children, in a beautiful and compassionate, loving way. When we can work on relationships, using the Enneagram to bring out the best as individuals, as partners, as couples, as, you know, parents, as children, as friends, it really does create a deeper level of intimacy within the relationship. And, you know, being quarantined the last two months, I know I've been craving intimacy, and not in, like, the sexual way, necessarily, but like, craving that beautiful, loving interaction of energy when, you know, when you're with people. Thankfully for technology, this is the good part of technology. We don't have to feel so disconnected, but it is different.

But bringing out the best in each other. Understanding the Enneagram has been something that's super powerful.

This is where it's hard, because it is a great tool to help you stay accountable to yourself and to the people you care about. When you discover your personal type.

It can help your partners in your life to support you in your individual and growth as a team. And that's what's been happening. You know, they. The people that love me are holding me to the highest standards of which I operate my life. And I appreciate that in ways that they don't even know.

And it's hard. Growth is not easy. Like you think about going to the gym, like when you are tearing apart your muscles to grow them, that doesn't feel good. And this doesn't feel good either. And I'm so grateful for it.

And here's the part that's really, really important though. When you start to understand the Enneagram and you use it in your relationship and partnerships and parenting and love and all of things is giving each other permission for feedback. You know, the people that are my inner circle know that I am open, even if I am like gritting my teeth and like wanting to retreat or hide. I'm so grateful that I've given the people that I love and care about permission to speak up and with that honoring their process as well. Even if I don't understand or always agree initially.

It's a beautiful thing knowing that nothing is off the table, right? And after giving each other permission, you know, letting each other know what kind of language and actions will support each other. So obviously dealing with a six, a four, a seven and a two, which are. And a three, those are like the closest ones in my life, my inner circle, those are the personalities. Not one is an eight, of course. So that's five different languages I kind of really work hard to understand.

And when I am approaching them to ask permission, I am gentle in those ways as they are with me. And this has allowed all of us, all the people in my life, to grow at a deeper, deeper level.

And working to find both of you. If it's a group of people, a group of friends, a love interest, a parent, child, finding compassionate and clear language to let each other know when either of you can get caught in old stories. So the conversation I'm going to have to have as soon as I hit stop record.

I have to be very clear on my language, knowing who I'm talking to, and also self honoring myself for myself along the way. But the beautiful thing about really lovingly in an integrity, learning the enneagram, your personal type first and foremost, and the types of the people that you care about will help you really know what to look out for and what to encourage along the way. You've heard me say it before that the Enneagram is never to be used as a weapon or a wall. It is only, only like I would never use it as, you know, people that are just getting to know me and realize that I know this information, they're like, are you testing me? I'm like, absolutely not. Like, the only reason I am learning what I'm learning is so I can speak to you in a way that feels good for you, because I care about you. So it's important that you don't use it as a weapon. It's to be used only with gentleness, kindness, and compassion. And if that is not your agenda, please don't ever tell anybody that I taught you about the Enneagram, because that is not what I stand behind at all. Because compassion and love really is the superpower of all things good in the world.

The Enneagram will also allow you to remain curious about what is going on in yourself.

I learn more about myself every day knowing what I do about the Enneagram. And I'm somebody who teaches it and integrates it in businesses and families and individuals all day long. And I am still so curious about myself. And it allows me to remain curious about the people I care about the most, too, which does create intimacy. So when you use this gentle and open language, you invite the people in your life to go more in depth into themselves. You ask questions. I mean, I would say every day in my interactions with people and especially those that I care about, like, wow, that's a. That's a really good question.

So you help the people you care about go more in depth into themselves, especially when it's coming from that gentleness and kindness and compassionate place. They don't feel judgment.

And I've had to ask some really hard questions lately of those that I care about, and not once did any of them feel judged, which is, thank God, because as an eight, we can kind of be judged, Judy, and all that. So I love that it allows. Knowing this allows me to ask more deep questions and them of me as well.

It also allows you to continue the process of letting go of fear, anger, and pain that is blocking me and you. And I will tell you this right now. The last few months, I have been exploring parts of my life that scare the shit out of me. And thank God I have this understanding about myself and the people I care about, because there is no doubt in my mind.

If I didn't have this tool really handy for myself, I would have sabotaged the shit out of a lot of really great things going on in my life and blocked some blessings. So remaining grounded and open, you can resolve anything that comes your way. Anything with people that you love and where it can get emotionally charged. And there's so much vulnerability on the line. You know, even though it's scary and it feels really uncomfortable sometimes, none of it has to get out of hand. And it's beautiful, and I don't have to operate, and neither do you, out of fear or irrational thoughts or like white knuckle with the control issues. Because the Enneagram can help enhance any relationship in your life, and especially those that mean the most to you.

So, and I'm telling you, taking full responsibility for how you show up in the world is super damn powerful. And even though, like I said, the feedback I've been receiving is hard to hear, it is so beautiful because it's going to help me grow and become more aware, especially in certain areas of my life that are challenging me. The greatest gift, though, of the Enneagram is that it helps you do your personal work without judgment. It helps you grow in your relationships without getting into fights about who is right or who is wrong. Because there is no such thing, really. It's my experience and your experience. It's your personal and my perception. And when we really care about people, and we at least are willing to look at it through the eyes of somebody else, like it is a beautiful thing, you don't always have to agree.

But what I love about communication and using the tool of the Enneagram is that it will allow you to bring out the best in each other.

I am so grateful. I am so grateful that it gives me the tools that I need. And the people that I care about need to make our relationships secure so that there isn't anything we can't overcome. And if this quarantine and coronavirus has taught you anything.

Maybe areas of your life where communication or where you get triggered, or maybe where you shut down like I do, or maybe you explode like I can, you probably have a new level of aha moments about yourself the last two months. Then maybe you have your entire life in the stillness of the world. And if you are maybe wanting to get some help with that, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm going to be honest. The last week I have onboarded probably 10 new people that are saying, yeah, Trace, I have whole new awareness about myself, and I don't necessarily know how to navigate that. And I want you to know that I am here for you without judgment. I will show you the roadmap in the toolbox that will help you not only have more love and compassion for yourself, but also for those that you care about, that you work with, that you parent, that you love. And so if that is you and you are wanting to take a little deeper dive, it isn't as hard as maybe you think it is, please just reach out to me@traceyomally.com under the Work with me section. You can obviously find me on Instagram tracieomalley I would love to walk this journey with you. It has been life changing for me and continues to be life changing every day. And like I said, I learned something about myself every day that allows me to grow not just personally, but in.

The relationships that mean the most to me and also professionally. So if that is you, let's get on board and let's use this to make all the relationships in your life that much better. And until next time, y', all, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

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