50: How to use the Enneagram to use and grow emotional muscles

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author.

Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up, let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And today we're going to be talking about emotional muscles.

So you might be thinking, yeah, not for me. I'm good, Trace, I'm good. But if I know anything based on what, what my inbox tells me, what my email's telling me, what my text messages are telling me, this whole pandemic quarantine, the world going on. Halt. Has revealed that maybe your emotional muscles need a little bit more work. And it's nothing to be ashamed of, Let me tell you. And there are absolutely different areas of our life that maybe those muscles are stronger than others. You know, I like to kind of categorize our lives into, you know, business relationships, friendships, parenting, and our personal health. And they're all super duper important. And if you are like me, there are some areas where those muscles, like, I'm a fucking Olympian, right? And there's nobody that can beat me. And then there's other areas of my life where yeah, yeah, needs some work. And this is the thing, like you can't work those muscles unless you are in the arena using them, right? So it's to be understood that if you are listening right now and you know, most of the country is starting to come out of quarantine a little bit and trying to go back to normal after the experience we've just had for the last two and a half to three months is very, very difficult, you know, because we know, we know something different now. And it reminded me very much of, gosh, about eight years ago now, this time about eight years ago when my dad passed away. And, you know, it was such a surreal moment. It's like life stops on a dime. And I know many of you have experienced things in your lives, whether it's the loss of somebody, a divorce crisis, financial stuff, you know, whatever it is. We've all had a moment where the world around us is going on, but it feels like our world has completely stopped. And all of us collectively have experienced that now together. But it reminded me of about eight years ago when my dad passed away really Suddenly after a 12 day cancer diagnosis. And, you know, that experience changed me, obviously, the loss of him and his role in my life and coming to terms with so much that was left unsaid and trying to figure out how to process and heal a lot of that stuff without him here on earth. And then I remember flying back to Arizona from Chicago and thinking I could just kind of go on with my life, business as usual, even though I knew I had changed.

It's impossible. You can try and it's going to be grueling, it's going to be painful, it's going to be.

Not as easy as we were operating before. And I was really frustrated by that, but also relieved because I knew I wanted something different for my life. And I definitely know that many of you are in the boat right now where you feel uncomfortable. Maybe your business has been shook by the pandemic and it going on lock. Your financial situation has changed. You have been on lock with family members, whether it's a spouse or kids or roommates or whatever the situation is, and you've had no escape. And you're realizing that some of your communication skill skills maybe aren't so great or the way that you emotionally handle things hasn't been so as where you would like it to be, let's say. And you know, I am not immune to any of this.

When it comes to my emotional muscles in my relationships and friendships. It's so solid. And the last two years specifically, you know, it's, you don't, you don't know you're good until you're good, right? And you can do all the personal development and go to all the events and read all the books and listen to all the podcasts and in theory understand all of it. But it's not until you know that's why the diet industry is so ridiculous sometimes. You listen to the gurus and all that, but unless your ass is in the gym grinding it out or in the kitchen preparing what you know is good for you, you don't get the results you want. And your emotional muscles are the same way. Unless we're using them in real time, in real life, it's still just in theory. And for the longest time, I mean Growing up the way that I did in an alcoholic home, I was having to use certain emotional muscles.

In different ways. Some of them I completely shut down. And so re engaging into real world as a grown up and as a mother and at the time a wife and all of that almost put my muscle in shock because here I was trying to operate in theory and I hadn't put the work in and it wasn't always a pretty sight. You know, I got divorced when my kids were 9 and 10 and, and you know, they're 22 and 23 today. So it's been a process of really working those muscles in a way that helps them still heal. I mean, it's a hard thing going through a divorce and looking back and knowing that, you know, it always takes two, and knowing that you played a part in some of their pain aside from a divorce is not fun. But learning how to use our emotional muscles is crucial. So I've had the recent experience of, you know, using the muscles in my personal health. Three years ago, I would say my emotional muscles in regards to my health were not very strong. I was a power through it kind of girl. I was tough as nails. So like, I mean, I have a high tolerance for pain. I can handle all sorts of shit, don't get me wrong. Like in that regard, I'm solid as a rock and strong in that department. But the muscle that is most important, the emotional muscle when it comes to our personal health that is really important is the ability to really listen to what our body is telling you. And quite honestly, it took my body completely shutting down for me to pay attention and actually get my ass into the emotional gym in regards to my health. And today I would like to say that I am an Olympian when it comes to working my emotional muscles in regards to my health. Without our health, we have nothing. And I know we hear that thrown around, but until it happens to you, you don't get it till you get it right. And before my mind takes over, and even before my instinct takes over, I do a check in with my body. And my body never lies. The body is aware before our conscious mind, before our thoughts are aware. So really using that muscle to trust my body. And I'm here to tell you, your body's not always going to tell you what you want to hear. And that sucks. It's kind of like that friend, that is your truth telling good place to fall. It is like the secret truth serum is our body. And so really building that emotional muscle around our personal wellness is crucial. I used to take pride in being that power through it kind of chick. And trust me, I still can. But if my body is saying this is not for our greatest good, I don't do it. Lately I have, especially during this quarantine pandemic, I have used moving my body as a emotional practice. I've gotten a lot of questions actually about all the exercising I'm doing and showing up on social media and doing all sorts of stuff. And zero of it has anything to do with the physical outside body. For me, it is completely to have a connection to spirit, to God, to the divine, to a higher power. Because this is trying for me. And that is part of using that emotional muscle in regards to our personal health. When it comes to parenting, looking back the first 10 years of my kid's life, I was a very good tactical parent. Very, very good. Like they never missed anything. They never were without anything. I was always present, but I wasn't always emotionally present. And looking back, you know, I'm not going to shame myself into a corner. I'm not going to feel guilty about that because I didn't have the skill set or the tools I was willing, but I didn't have maybe anybody that showed me the way. So I had to seek it out. And it was something like rattling me like a divorce and, you know, financial crisis during a recession and having to go back into corporate America that really forced me to seek out a muscle building, emotional muscle building program around parenting and around the same time as when I got sober as well. And that's actually when I was introduced to the Enneagram. And it really, really helped me to.

Gauge and use the Enneagram as a compass in regards to emotions. And that's why the Enneagram is really, really powerful because it gives you kind of a roadmap based on your actual type. And so when it came to parenting, I've built that emotional muscle strong. And my son Joey and I were having a really deep conversation this morning. It was beautiful. And you know, for most of their, the first half of their life, they never saw me emotional. I was stoic. I was at least what I thought showing them was strong. And when we do that as parents, we aren't giving our kids guidelines on how to process emotions. All they see is a parent that's stoic as fuck and that can handle anything. And meanwhile they're having real life roller coaster emotions and they have no idea what to do with it. And, you know, I realized early on, well, the beginning of the second half of their life That I wasn't doing them any favors by being like that. And so this morning, when Joey and I were having this deep conversation, I was so emotional in the healthiest of ways. You know, when you hear emotional most of the times, I was raised in the idea that emotional meant bad, emotional meant weak. And it's quite the opposite. Being emotional and processing our emotions and allowing people in that vulnerable space is actually one of the most courageous fucking things you can do. It's the strongest thing I've ever witnessed, not just in myself, but in other people. It takes an insane amount of trust to let people see that and not use it against you or to take that and run with it. And so because Joey is such a safe place, and, you know, he's 22 now, it's not like he's carrying the burdens of his mother or anything like. That was a beautiful, healthy conversation for both of us. But, you know, he got to see me ride the roller coaster of emotions. And he was so beautiful and elegant and loving and was able to hold space in a healthy way for the person he cares about most, his mom. And it was. It's taken me a while to allow him to do that because of how I grew up as a surrogate spouse, surrogate parent, that I didn't ever want to burden my children with that. And I haven't. Almost to a fault, like I said, I went the other direction. But it was a beautiful moment. And so my emotional muscles in regards to parenting is solid. And he even said to me today that, you know, we take for granted in these four walls, me, Casey, and him, how well we communicate. And it's not until people are invited into our lives, whether it's through friends and, you know, business partners and, you know, other areas of our life, that we realize that most people don't have the skill set that we do. And that part of our role here is to show people what that can look like. Even after a disastrous kind of start to all this, you know, it's never too late to learn these skills. It's never too late to humble yourself enough to say, you know what? I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I wasn't shown a different way. So, you know, we don't repair it. We repeat it. And so, you know, sometimes when we enter into relationships and friendships and we know where we're at with our emotional muscles, you know, it takes a lot of grace and compassion and understanding and patience and love and tolerance for everyone else to realize that maybe they haven't Been shown the same way and you know, hopefully they're receptive and you know, they're going to teach us a thing or two about how strong our muscles are, right? It's like I said, it's one thing to know it. And like in these four walls, the three of us have communication on lock, but put us out in the real world and you know, we're dealing with other people. And that's how we build the muscle, is actually using it with those that challenge us the most. That's why, like in the gym, when we add weight on or try different things or do something that's not routine for our body, it's going to hurt a little bit. And that's how we get to use all of our muscles to their greatest capacity, is when we stretch them and challenge them. And so even though in parenting, I know my muscles are really strong, you know, the flow of children into my life, whether it's through my kids friends or other kids, and my friends kids and you know, I always have a constant flow of children in my life. And not only is it really healing for me to really honor that little girl in me that never got a chance to be a kid, but it also allows me to shine some wisdom on maybe those that.

Have experienced some things that I have but haven't been shown, you know, a different way. So it's, it's a beautiful thing.

In business. This has been a muscle that I use a lot. You know, when my back's up against the wall, I use a different kind of emotional muscle. It's kind of like the fuck you muscle. Like, I'll show you, my enneagram 8 muscle really comes out because although I don't go on the achieving train for achievement's sake or for recognition or for the atta girls or anything like that, I strictly go into achievement mode to not have to rely on anybody, to not be put in a vulnerable position. And you know, using my strong business emotional muscles when I'm not being challenged, I've realized is a challenge. And I've had to build that muscle in pushing myself next level without crisis. And that has been something that's been hard because when I'm comfortable, I'm not as likely to push the envelope or say shit that is controversial. And I'm really having to get in the emotional gym and figure out how to navigate that muscle because I know what I have inside of me and I know that I am here to do much more than I've done. I've also had to really Come to terms with where I hold myself back in regards to business and money. And a lot of that is deep rooted in how I saw money being used as a child. I saw it abusively. I saw it being used as power, which I've used, too. I've seen it be used in a very controlling way. And so I've really had to navigate and rework my emotional muscles around what that means to me. Because the last thing I ever want to be is abusive. I have been. The last thing I ever want to be is controlling. And I have been. And so it's kind of like, you know, we. We all, most of you all watched the Last Dance with Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. And when Michael Jordan went to play baseball, his trainer Tim Grover said, I'm going to ruin your basketball game by. By retraining your body to play baseball. Right? And I want you to know if you are overhauling an area of your life and relearning something or learning a new way to do things like I have had to around money and power and control and growth, it hurts. It hurts. And it's also going to affect my game in a different way. And, you know, especially when you can pretty much make shit happen.

The ego doesn't really like it when we switch up the game. I'm sure when Michael was taking hacks and striking out and all the things, he wasn't feeling really good about it at the time. But you stay on the mat, you stay in the ring, you stay at the plate, and you just keep hacking away at it. Because when we want something different, it's going to require a different version of you.

I think the area that most of us struggle the most with our emotional muscles is in relationships of the heart. Whether it's a romantic partnership, marriage.

Really close inner circle, friendships that are intimate. You know, my closest friends.

I would take a bullet for. And there's about four of them, to be honest with you, like my closest inner circle that knows all parts of me. The four of them that have seen me in real life, time in crisis. And here's, here's the key to that. That didn't happen till two years ago. I'm 48. Two years ago was the first time I let anybody other than my uncle see me in real time. Emotional.

And it is the most intimate you will ever be with somebody. And you don't have to be romantic with somebody for that to happen. You know, intimacy is into me, you see? Right. And there's nothing like in real time emotions with no.

Resolution to what you're talking about. Usually when people would see me in emotion, it's when I've already handled it or I've got a plan to handle it, because I didn't want to have to rely on anybody, right? And that's how I've operated in relationships, whether it be friendships or romantic relationships, my entire life. And in regards to my friendships with women, I had to unlearn everything I'd ever believed about women based on, you know, the example I had early on in my life. I had to unlearn some of the walls that I had put up. I had to crash them all down. If I was going to have an intimate friendship with these four women in my life that are everything to me, it was going. I was going to have to trust the fact that they would see me and that even if I didn't have shit figured out, they could hold space for me. And it didn't mean that they wouldn't be there for me. It didn't mean that they would think I was weak, which was a big thing for me. But it has changed my life. Two years ago, being able to do that, it's still scary. It's not as scary with my friendships anymore, especially those four. They've all seen me, especially the last six months.

Really, like, process life because I'm using these muscles in another area. And I haven't had to show anybody this for a very, very long time. But building the emotional muscles in regards to my friendship has changed everything about my life. I realized how isolated I'd been even if I was in a crowd of thousands of. Of people, how alone I felt because nobody ever saw the real me. And it's been life changing to have these four people right there. And now I've even allowed my children to see that. Like I said, they're in their 20s, so it's a little different than younger kids. But, you know, allowing them to see me process all the things and not have all the answers, because, let's just be real. My entire life, I've been the rock. Since the age of four, I've been the rock. And the last area of my life that, and this is the one that will challenge me the most, is.

Relationships of my heart when it comes to romantic love. And, you know, as a woman, you know, that first person we're in love with is our dad. And if we didn't have a dad present, then were kind of like floundering, you know. And even though my dad was there, it was a bizarre relationship in a Lot of ways. And my. I was talking to my son earlier today that my first memory of my dad was.

Me understanding very clearly that, okay, I need to be whatever he needs me to be to be worthy of love, acceptance, approval, and attention. That is my earliest memory of my dad. The man that was going to teach me how to be treated, the man that was going to teach me what I could expect from men, the man that would teach me what to be for a man, right? My dad was a great guy. He was. He taught me some of the greatest things about myself. But when it comes to matters of the heart with the opposite sex, this is the muscle that needs the most work for me. Because even though I was married for a long, long time, that marriage was not looking back based on love. It was what I thought I needed to be. It was. It was something very, very different. But when I looked back, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on this.

When I look back on all my relationships, and there's very, very few, I am not a dater in general. I am not one that played the field. I would rather be alone most of the time. But when I was in relationships, I was all in. But there's maybe three that really have significance in my life. And I got pretty emotional the other day thinking about it as I'm navigating other things in my life today in regards to my heart, that not once in my life have I ever said, this is what I need in a romantic relationship. Because that first memory with my dad was just be whatever he needs you to be to have his acceptance, love, approval, and attention. And that has carried into all of my adult romantic relationships. And there was a grieving. There is a grieving process in that and a whole new breakdown of the muscle process, because I can very easily. Like, muscle memory is no fucking joke when it comes to this. And the only way you're going to know if you've got this muscle is to use it. And I've talked openly and not so openly on previous podcasts that I have explored dating over the last six months or so. And it is rocking my emotional muscles. For sure I don't use them the same way. But muscle memory, memory is no joke. And it is way easier to go into what my muscles know, my emotional muscles know. And every part of my emotional muscles say, be whatever you need to be to have acceptance, approval, love, and attention. And here's the thing is, I don't operate by those standards in any other area of my life today. And even if I Wanted to, I could do that.

But it would just be a matter of time before it would rip me apart. And so navigating what dating looks like and falling in love and allowing myself to even entertain the thought of.

Romantic partnership with somebody.

I basically am having my emotional muscles ripped apart daily. And I mean that in the healthiest of ways. Like, this is a good thing. Whether or not things go how I want them to go on a day to day basis, that is irrelevant because I am rebuilding emotional muscles and retraining them. I am basically Michael Jordan taking hacks in the fucking batting cages every day with basketball muscles, right? Like I am using my old basketball muscles trying to play baseball right now. And it is frustrating and trying. And.

There'S a lot of grieving going on in the healthiest of ways. Grieving is a healthy thing. And so, you know, with the enneagram, I thank God I have this tool and understand where as an 8 I go under stress. And I'm seeing very clearly an eight under stress takes on the average unhealthy five, which is the investigator where I can become isolating, shut down, secretive. I can hoard energy, I can hoard information, I can be in private. I have to process everything mode. And I have found myself over the last six months as I'm building this muscle, go there from time to time and thank goodness I have that compass to understand, okay, I'm under stress. So I have some compassion for myself and also know how to get back on my path of growth, which is that beautiful, healthy eight, that compassionate two that an eight goes into. And so I wanted to give you guys a few things because this is also why a lot of you are missing typed in your enneagrams. A lot of times you are typed. And the score you get on these tests is where you go under stress. Almost, I'd say 60 to 70% of the time. That first number is actually where you go under stress. Especially if you've lived like I had and you experienced trauma and a lot of things in your life. And so a one under stress, which is the reformer, takes on the unhealthy to average 4, which is that individualist where you can be melodramatic and kind of depressed and your OCD kind of like rigid ways, all of a sudden you become hyper emotional and then you beat yourself up for it. The twos under stress take on the average to unhealthy 8. And that's when your usual compassionate, empathetic person can be combative and defensive. Which is why my son And I, when we're not healthy, we can go head to head. But understanding that, like, when he understands that about himself, he knows when he starts to slip into that, like, okay, what's going on? And we can pivot out of it before, you know, we go into the cycle of damage and shame and guilt and all the things that come with explosive emotions, right? We are going to have emotions. It's how we navigate and manage them is what's so important. So a three under stress takes on the average unhealthy nine, which is that peacemaker where, you know, the usual achiever, you know, blinders on going head into things, getting shit done, all of a sudden shuts down on themselves and starts to not take care of themselves. Things like that. And knowing that usually that achiever will beat the shit out of themselves because they are such doers that when they do that, the shame cycle for them starts to kick in. But knowing that they can pull themselves out, the fours, the individualists, when they are under stress, they take on the unhealthy two, the average unhealthy two, where they can become melodramatic, even more so. They can become combative all over the place. They will test waters, they will shut down sometimes and withhold love, withhold emotions. Ghost you. So, you know, the fours probably have the hardest time navigating emotions. They're the most emotional on the enneagram.

But when they are healthier, they really, gosh, they can hold space for people, which is beautiful. The fives under stress take on that scattered, unhealthy 7. When a 7 is unhealthy, they become scattered and flighty and bounce from thing to thing. So when you see your typical investigator kind of like go off the grid like that, it is an indicator that they're under stress. And because they are such hoarders of energy when they do that, you know, they all of a sudden, when they catch themselves, they're like panic, right? Because oh my gosh, how much energy have I exuded doing that? The sixes under stress take on the average unhealthy three, which, you know, sixes by nature are worst case scenario thinkers. And when they're healthy, that's a good thing because they're the master troubleshooters. But when they are under stre, this takes on a whole different dimension where blinders are on, it's frantic. And pulling a six out of that. You know, I've mentioned before, I have lots of close sixes in my life and I can recognize that and really guide some of Their emotions back onto their path. But it's really important to know this stuff. This is how you navigate and build your emotional muscles is understanding where you go. It's why the Enneagram is so, so freaking great. When used properly, the Sevens under stress take on the average unhealthy one. So that reformer, which, it's so funny because your 7 is usually the go with the flow. Looking for a party for them to all of a sudden go into OCD mode, like rigid, like freaking the F out if things don't go a certain way is almost like the opposite end of the spectrum. And you know, I've talked about raising a seven and it is so obvious when she is under stress and how crazy that can get and, you know, recognizing that and understanding that and now her understanding that this is where she goes under stress has really allowed her to let herself as a seven. Usually they don't want to feel pain, but when she recognizes this is happening, using this tool of the Enneagram, she can say, okay, what am I feeling right now? And she's really, at 23 years old, learned how to allow herself to feel the wide range of emotion, which is not something A7 normally really loves to do naturally. Like I said, the eight, I've already talked about myself. The challenger, where we go under stress is the average to unhealthy 5. The intense person.

Like myself. The 8 is the most high. Like, we're the strongest energy on the Enneagram. And for us to have that intensity to all of a sudden shut down, isolate, investigate, be secretive.

It'S something else. But having an awareness of it is so beautiful. And.

When I used to do this, most of my. I mean, I operated in my unhealthy 5 a lot of the time. The shame and the beating of myself up because I am such a strong, powerful leader in my own right. To go to the opposite end like that in an unhealthy way was very crippling to my spirit a lot of the time. And for a long time it was hard to pull myself out of that. But recognizing that's where I go and having that compass to really allow me to navigate where I'm at has been so helpful. And last but not least, the nine, the peacemaker, when they are under stress, they take on the average to unhealthy six. So the nine, who is usually kind of go with the flow, calm and easy and inclusive all of a sudden is like doubtful. Like, they start second guessing their own thoughts. They start to look at people like, what the Hell is happening and all of a sudden they don't trust and they become very passive aggressive to try and navigate things. And you know, usually nines are the most calm as far as like easy going. And a nine under stress takes on a whole different beast. It's almost like because their underlying emotion is also anger, you wouldn't know that, but it's a fascinating thing when you can know these things where you go under stress. This is how you're able to build emotional muscles. It's not that we minimize our emotions because to be human, you have to feel all of them. You have to feel all of them. And they're all healthy in their own right. They are all important, even the angry ones. Earlier today I was angry and I kept saying to Joey, I was like, I am so angry right now. And you know, just identifying it doesn't mean I have to act out on it or lash out with it, but just acknowledging that it's there really is so important and giving it space to call it what it is. And it was amazing how fast I was able to move through it. But I wouldn't have known that without the enneagram, quite honestly. It's a beautiful tool.

And you know, if your emotional muscles, especially in certain areas of your life, aren't strong, I encourage you to really have this level of self awareness about yourself. You know that I love, love, love typing, helping people type themselves properly because most of you are mistyped. You've heard me say it before. And even if you have been typed properly, if you don't really know what to do with it or how this looks like in real time, right? It's like, you know the muscle, you know the muscle, but you haven't actually worked it. I can help you do that. And you can reach out to me on Instagram @traceyomalley. You can hit me up in the DMs or you can go to my website@tracyomalley.com at the work with me section. And I would be honored to take you, your team, your family, whatever, through the process. It's so important. And you know, when Joey and I were talking earlier, the three of us really have a deep understanding of each other and we realize how important it is, especially under our roof. And I know that in business it has been life changing and allowed me to really be the leader that I am today. And it's allowed me to go into other businesses and teams and help them be the leaders that they are meant to be. And if that is you and you need to build your emotional muscles up, lean in, reach out. That's what I'm here for. I love building these kind of muscles because communication and how we navigate our emotions is everything. We use it in every aspect of our life. And if we go off the rails from time to time, we're human, it's going to happen. But the less often we do that and the less damage control we have to do, the better. Everything flows in mind, body, soul and business. So I love it. It's not always fun. It's not always easy. It's painful a lot of the time, and it's so damn worth it. So until next time, here's to becoming Bulletproof.

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