52: What to do when you’re afraid to speak up and how each Enneagram Type can shine in uncertain times.

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go. FOREIGN.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. We are living in some really, really crazy times. I know that some days that we're waking up and it's like, what next? Right? I heard a quote. One of my favorite authors is John Gordon. He wrote the Energy Bus and the Carpenter and he interviewed Doc Rivers. And you know, I know that everybody is just like, God, 2020, can it just be over yet? Can it just be over yet? And. And I get that when we're in the middle of so much uncertainty and pain, we just want the shit to stop. In fact, as I'm recording this, it is the eight year anniversary from the day that I knew that I needed to get some help and I walked into AA for the first time. But I know that when we are in pain, we just wanted to freaking stop. And I think so many. That's kind of the temperature that's happening right now. We're afraid to turn on TVs, we're afraid to show up on social media, which is who this is a lot. This episode is for you. If you are somebody that is an entrepreneur that uses the online social media space to carry your message, to sell your stuff, if you're a network marketer, if, like, it's such sensitive times and I'm watching a lot of this unfold and I think it is really powerful to observe. There's a lot of judgment going on and there's equally a lot of compassion, which I want to say. You know, there's. Where there is dark, there must be light. And I think in such hard times like this, the darkness gets focused on and I'm not minimizing what's happening right now and how there's so much injustice and so much shit that has gone on for so, so long, like, enough's enough. And I get that. But that being said, I think that.

Even in the hardest of hard times, and although I don't have experience, I'm a white girl from Chicago, Illinois, I'm not a black person. I do have tons of friends. I have many young millennial black children that are in and out of my house all the time with my kids.

All that being said, I have not walked their shoes. And I will not even attempt to pretend like I know what that's like. What I do know, my experiences with this is through the hardest, hardest, most God awful, gut wrenching, how am I gonna get fucking through this kind of moments of my life? There's always something beautiful that comes from it. And I know that this has been going on for far too long and racial injustice is just unacceptable. There's nothing acceptable about it. And, you know, this last week on Tuesday, you know, on social media, there was like blackout Tuesday. And I didn't participate in it, even though I realized that the whole point of it was to bring solidarity and all of that. And I get that. And I am not minimizing. We all need to come together. However, I chose not to do a blackout on my social media and I chose not to just throw up a square. And I'm not knocking anybody that did. I have zero judgment around it. You got to do what feels right for you. And if you threw it up because you saw other entrepreneurs or leaders doing it, you know, that's something you're going to have to look in the mirror and come to terms with. It's not my place to take your inventory. I knew for me, that was not going to happen. That didn't feel right for me. Not because I'm better than anybody else or I have more to say or anything like that. But I know for me and my experience, and this is what I do bring to the table. And because I'm probably a lot older than most of you listening right now, this is where wisdom shines. And this is where I'm seeing some things happening with online influencers. My good friend Tiffany calls them poly the influencers. You know, people that we hear from 24, 7, we know every aspect of their life. We know when they poop, we know.

All the things about their life, and they're gone. They're gone. And I'm not judging them either. That's their experience. And that's something they're gonna have to come to terms with about why that happens. But I know now more than ever, especially if you have done some work on yourself, and especially if you have experience through hard things, that it is time to speak up and, you know, you gotta take a stand one way or the other. And it's hard because it's going to ruffle feathers. And there's no bypassing. There's no bypassing the intensity of this. There's no bypassing the emotional charge that is coming with this. And, you know, when we have this on the back end of fucking three months of quarantine and people locked up in their homes and losing their ever loving mind and not leaning into a lot of the coping mechanisms many people use, it is a recipe for an explosion. And we're experiencing it. And it's terrible. It's terrible what has gone on for far too long. And I wanted to talk today about that. And when we don't know what to do, why we're afraid to use our voice. You know, we're seeing people use their voice and they get crucified for it. We see people not using their voice and they get crucified for it. And I know there have been many years in my life, I'm like, I'm fucking damned if I do and damned if I don't. And I've always kind of operated from a place, especially the last eight years since I got sober. And I, you know, take my personal inventory every day. I speak my truth all the time, you know, because we're as sick as our secrets. And that's part of, Part of the fucking problem right now is we are as sick as our secrets. And this shit that's been going on for so long, even though it's been out there, we're. We're tucking it under. We're tucking it under a big old blanket that nobody has to look at. And the United States as a whole is sick. And we're seeing it because it's been like, pushed away, tucked away.

So for the last eight years, you know, anytime I feel the urge to talk or use my voice, I check myself. Because for a lot of my life, I used my voice to build walls, to protect myself. Sometimes it was with intense anger. Sometimes it was with manipulation or lies. Sometimes it was with sexuality and just like charming personality and all sorts of things. So I do a gut check pretty much anytime I open my mouth or write anything or even hop on this podcast.

And I really check myself. Is this for the greatest good? Is this for love? Or is this because it's expected of me? It's what I think people want from me. Because I operated most of my life like that too. Like what would keep the peace. And unfortunately, in the times we're living in, especially if you have a life that is beautiful, you know, with great reward comes great responsibility. And if you have a platform where you have been paid well for your voice or people give you accolades and love and all the things for your voice that you've been so free with, when a situation like this comes up, there's not a lot of gray area. And I know that it's risky and you're afraid of saying the wrong things. And here's the thing, you if you're coming from a place of love. And when I posted the other day on Blackout Tuesday, I chose to post, I was like, I'm not doing blackouts. I did blackouts for 25 years and nothing good happens in a blackout. Although I understand it was for solidarity for me in my house, on my watch, I am choosing to be present and awake more than ever for me.

But I think that especially when there's such an emotional charge to this, and if I'm being really honest, this has brought light some stuff for me too. And I think this is why people are afraid to talk about it. It's uncovering the fact that even these really high level people that have multimillion dollar businesses that, you know, people will like lick their shit, all this, all the crazy shit, all of a sudden they're being exposed for the work they haven't done. And I'm not judging them because honestly, you really don't know you haven't done enough work until you're faced head on with it. Albeit a lot of these people. Now it's in the public eye and we're seeing what that happens, how that happens. But for me, I know what this has brought up for me. You know, I grew up a 70s, 80s kid and you know, I'm a Gen Xer. So a lot of you listening are probably on the tail end of millennials or younger, right? Maybe a few Gen Xers. But you know, we grew up in different times. And one of the most popular TV shows when I was growing up was called all in the Family. And there was a character on the show named Archie Bunker.

And like I've watched it over and over and over again. I loved the show.

For.

What I loved about it was that somebody didn't filter themselves. Was the things. Were the things he said awful? Absolutely. I'm not minimizing that or like how it even ended up on TV. It's crazy to think that that show in 1972 was allowed on the air. There's no that it would be allowed on the air. But my point is this is. I grew up in an era, and my father, who is a great man and the industry he was in, he helped many families of color. You know, he held their hands on their deathbeds. And, you know, it doesn't negate the fact of. Some of the words that came out of his mouth were awful. Right? And I think back then, you know, things were said and. And although, like, I was watching a TV show and hearing the words come out of my father's mouth, it didn't ever feel right. Right. I was always the child. As an enneagram 8. We're just as Seekers and truth tellers, and we always will fight for the underdog. I got into so many fights on the playground, standing up for people that were getting picked on. A lot of them were kids of color. A lot of them were, you know, the nerds, so to speak. Anybody that was getting picked on for being a stereotype of something, whether it was for the color of their skin or how they showed up, I would go to bat for them. But in my own home, I was hearing things like this, and it didn't feel. It's like, okay, but what do I say? It's my dad, right? It's my dad. And I know he didn't mean to sound as awful as it was because he's just repeating a lot of the stuff that we heard back then. None of it's okay. But as a kid, I didn't know what to say. So I know that a lot of the reason people are going radio silent right now is they're being confronted with their own upbringing, maybe words that have come out of their mouth.

But this is what I know is we're as sick as our secrets. We're as sick as our secrets. Have I behaved in ways that are 100% for the greatest good all the time? Fuck, no. Hell, no. But when I have known better, I do better. And I've heard this over and over. We gotta do better. We got to do better. And if that means coming to the carpet and saying, you know what? I don't know what to say. I know that I have behaved in ways, maybe unintentionally even, that didn't honor you as a human being, as the human race, as the beautiful black man, woman, child that you are, I don't know. I don't know. But I vow from this day forward to do better. And going Silent. And taking a sabbatical when you are 247 on social media is just not acceptable.

And you're going to have to deal with that. The consequences of that. There are consequences to everything we do. Everything. And I mean good consequences, too. And I knew that when I said what I had to say that there might be consequences good or not so great. And I was okay with any of them because it was my truth. It's how I feel, and I stand behind that. What's happening in the world is wrong, and it's terrible, regardless of the circumstances of what led up to what happened. And an innocent man of humanity dying on the street is not okay. Period.

And I think that because of the emotional charge, because of the quarantine, because.

You know this online bullying can happen. I mean, people get really brave behind a keyboard, and one wrong thing can take down somebody's entire business. But I'm gonna ask you this. And if you aren't an online business person, this is for you, too, because you're raising children. Our kids are watching. I've had many great conversations with my kids. I've had many great conversations with their black friends who are like family to us. And they're scared. And they want people talking about this because it's. The only way it's gonna change is if we bring awareness and beautiful, compassionate, honest action. If we're wrong, we admit it, and we do better. We do better. The other part of this that I see, you know, because of my. My expertise in the Enneagram, I am seeing how certain types also.

Play out this and how they show up or don't show up. And like I said, with an 8, you know, an 8 can go either way. And I was talking to somebody earlier, like me 10 years ago, when I would be explosive. And even though I'm equally as angry now as I would have been 10 years ago, how I express anger is for something positive. I can channel it into something positive. And what we're seeing happening in the world right now is anger that isn't being channeled in a beautiful way. We have every right to be angry, and we should be. And it's a healthy emotion when used for a good thing. Right. But I wanted to kind of go through some of the Enneagram types and maybe some of the reasons why you might be holding yourself back for speaking or doing something. And like I said, I am not judging anyone. This is.

Uncharted territories. This last six months of our life. And, you know, we're only at halftime, we're Only at halftime here. We got six months of this year left and it's not. We're not going to get a do over. All we can do is take one step in front of the other, moving forward. But.

I know that a lot of you want to do something for racial justice. I know that you want to speak up, but you're not sure how you want to actively do something to change the system and change how we move forward, change how we talk to our kids, the world we grow up in.

And when we're able to kind of like call ourselves out and what makes us uncomfortable about it. Like, for me, the eights, the injustice, because that's everything about us is self preservation and protection. Like eights are being triggered and they're on the front lines a lot of time and it's not always effective. Right. An unhealthy 8 can do a lot of damage even when they're seeking justice. Right. But each Enneagram type has a unique gift, and the world does need what you have to offer.

And depending on how healthy you are, may determine how loud you show up or how open you are. And I want you to know there's no right or wrong to this. The only thing I'm going to ask of you, whatever you choose to do today, it's for the greatest good and it's to make a difference, positive. It doesn't have to be public. I'm not saying you have to be public with your voice.

I honestly just allow the divine to lead me. And for a while I was like, maybe I'll just be quiet. And then it was very clear, no, you need to speak. Especially talking to all the beautiful kids that are in and out of my home. They're like, please speak up. Use that voice of yours. Because people listen to you. And so I'm like, okay, I don't have the answers. I don't know. I know what's right or wrong is that it's coming from love. And it's not. Not everybody's going to receive it that way. And that's okay. That's okay. So I want to give you maybe the reasons why you're holding yourself back or how you can maybe reframe this or maybe look at it a different way. For each Enneagram type. So ones, because you are so driven by good, bad, right or wrong.

You'Re exhausted. And especially with times like these, you know, with. Wear a mask. Don't wear a mask. Trump. No. Trump. Quarantine. No. Quarantine. No. Do you live in a State that you know all the things and you're tired. You're tired of always having to be the one that speaks up for right or wrong. So that might be holding you back a little bit, especially with something that's so emotionally charged like this. If you get it wrong and somebody actually calls you out on could be devastating for you. So I want you to know, first and foremost, it's not your responsibility alone to educate, interrupt or correct others. You can do it smaller and find some close allies and support, but take turns. If you can find a fellow one that you can tag team each other and help educate. But I want you to know it's not your complete responsibility. Share the load. You don't have to carry the weight all by yourself. Enneagram twos. Oh, gosh, I know. You know, raising a very sensitive enneagram2 in my home. You know, one of the reasons he doesn't know what to say is because he feels like nothing he could do would be enough, right? Because he's such a helper, such a genuine giver. And you know, what I have told him is that his special gift is that he can have compassion for people. And many people are feeling so overwhelmed right now because there's so much work to be done. And so really focusing on his circle of influence and focus on them and the small wins. And the one little, you know, you throw a pebble across the water and if it's still one pebble skipped, can have a ripple effect. And just, you know, focusing on that and focusing on the things that you can control that make a difference, you don't have to solve it for everybody or hold space for everybody. But, you know, stick to your circle. And you know, you and your compassion and empathy are gifts, honestly, quite honestly, what this world really needs right now. And all you eights out there, when you're in a pattern of growth, you do have that, that special quality. And we'll get to that in a second. My threes. Oh, these are the ones. Quite honestly, a lot of them are the ones that are going quiet. And I'm, like I said, I am so not judging it, but their fear of doing or saying something wrong and affecting how they appear. Because if, you know, enneagram threes, they are driven by significance. They are very concerned with how they appear, their image, their status. And one wrong post could make shit go sideways. And so a lot of times they won't do anything or they'll take a sabbatical. And here's the truth for you threes out there that are especially concerned and I've been coaching a lot of you lately is that we're all going to mess up at this. There no roadmap. But when you are trying to architect it or manufacture your words to try and look good, it's never going to turn out well for you. Especially for people who can see bullshit a mile away.

You know, I understand that once we do mess up for you guys, it's hard to undo, but it's really like when we do. And I've seen a few really powerful leaders out there who have fucked up and they're like, this is the key is it's more and how you respond to being called out when you make a mistake than going radio silent or getting defensive and making it about you. Listen, learn, apologize and decide how to do it better for the future. Threes, you guys, people are looking to you right now and I realize the responsibility not just that you feel for others, but more importantly, you've worked your entire life to keep this image and your drive for success that you know, business as usual could backfire on you. Be be okay messing up. And I know for three, you all collectively took a huge gasp of like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, no way. Mess up, mess up. We're all going to listen, learn, apologize and move forward differently for the future. That's how we learn. We learn from mistakes. We never learn from doing everything right. Just a little FYI for you, my enneagram fours.

You guys may be afraid of getting scary people really angry, even though you guys have the full range of emotions.

When people that are really angry get more angry or you may not know how to hold that much space, it's something that freaks you out. You know, obviously safety is important.

Even before the pandemic, it felt like a risk to engage in certain forms of like activism. But you know, prioritize your safety but also ask yourself if the threat is real or just uncomfortable. And I think that's where a lot of people need to ask themselves, like, okay, is this just going to be really, really uncomfortable? Which is probably the answer is yes. Very few of us are going to be at threat by especially if we're coming from a place of love, right? But this work is going to require you to step outside of your comfort zone and you may and you almost guaranteed to upset some people you love and experience rude comments. And that's why I know when I speak, when I know with all 100% certainty that I am coming from a place of love, even if it's not received as that. I don't take it personal. I don't get defensive.

And so for you Enneagram Fours, remembering that is going to be really important for you. The enneagram 5 is what's holding you back from maybe speaking out and taking a stand is that you're afraid. You don't know everything and maybe do or say the wrong thing and you prefer to observe anyway. Right? And I get that you probably have ordered every one of the books that have been recommended on Amazon to educate yourself, but I'm here to tell you there's so much to know. There's over 400 years of this history. And if you wait until you feel like you know it all, the moment, an opportunity is going to pass you by. And you do know more. You do have this inner wisdom that we do need. And because you come from such a calm place.

We need that voice of reason that you have. And more importantly, if observing means you're not taking action, your inaction is received to silence and compliance. And I know that's not what you want.

You're not going to do or say the wrong thing. We need your wisdom. So I know some Enneagram Fives personally that I'm seeing. They took a few days to really gather their thoughts and I totally respect that. That's their nature anyway. And coming out and speaking so beautifully. So my Enneagram Fives out there, please do you bring a calmness to this and the wisdom that God, do we need, Is it always going to be received? Hell no. I want you to know that nobody, especially when you speak up, you're not going to please everybody. You know, my six is what's holding you back is you're afraid of how people might react because you are driven by certainty and safety and you troubleshoot. This is a situation you can't troubleshoot right now because you don't know what people have experienced. You don't know. You don't know what has been said to them in the past that one wrong word could trigger them or one.

One day that you don't say anything. Like silence can do as much damage as trying to speak your voice. Right? So for six is, your initial fear of how people will react is what holds a lot of you back.

How you're going to overcome that fear is by the strength of your conviction and your courage to do what's right, even if others may not agree. And so you know, I'm close with a lot of Sixes and letting them know that they're safe and supported and that I've got their back really allows them to step into their voice and their courage. Sixes have courage like nobody else once they trust themselves. So using your courage as a six as a six to act despite your fear.

Boy, do we need more people doing that right now. And Sixes actually naturally can do it as long as they get out of their head. Right. So my Enneagram Sevens, my daughter is a seven. You've heard me talk about her before.

Because they don't like to deal with uncomfortable emotions. This is hard for them and they really do. Genuinely. It's not because they can be deemed and labeled as flaky or avoidant. They really do want to focus on solutions and not the problems. But, you know, to connect the dots for a proper solution for this. It's going to require us to look at how we got here and work at some problem solving for how we got here. Solutions are absolutely important. I think it's really important to look, you know, when my kids come to me and want to vent, I'm like, great, you can come and bitch and say whatever you, but you better come to the table with some solutions. So although I applaud that, solutions are definitely important, at the same time, you must have a solid understanding that you have to understand the problems in order to move forward. Like I said, connecting the dots.

And as you have seen, solutions can have unintended consequences. If we haven't gotten to the root of how the problem started, we don't want to be slapping band aids on shit. I mean, we've slapped band aids on this crap for years and that's why we are in this problem right now. Just like brush it over, wait till the fire burns out and then I'm telling you right now, it's like throwing gasoline on it. So getting to the root of it, I know Sevens really don't feel comfortable in that. You do bring a solution oriented kind of spirit to it. But don't not act because you don't want to deal with it. Like, allow yourself to feel all the feelings. Okay, so my Enneagram eights.

There'S two schools with the eights. Either you're coming in hot and angry and like a loose cannon, or you might be holding yourself back because showing people that you disagree.

About some of the things that matter to you can make you vulnerable. Right? I know before I posted I was like, okay, am I okay with the vulnerable spot I'm going to be in by speaking my truth? And 100% that was yes, that's me doing a lot of work, you know, so eights are either coming in hot and worrying about the consequences later or they're holding back because they don't want to be put in a vulnerable position. And it is difficult to be vulnerable and show our soft underbelly. It really is. And you know, through the last decade, I've really worked at showing people that softer side of me.

And especially with eights, because we are strong, intense, powerful, justice seeking, truth telling leaders. When we're healthy, especially, the world does need to see that softer part of us and the sensitive part of us. And we bring more people with us when we connect on that human level anyway and showing our humanity, depth and emotion and you know, as probably one of the healthiest eights I've ever known. And I mean that and I will like, I'm proud of that.

I do know because of the work and because when an 8 moves into growth, we take on the healthy 2. So we get the best of both. We can have that justice and also that compassion. The world does need more of that. And so if you're an eight and have done work, please step up, please, because if anybody can handle the backlash, it's an eight. My nines.

You guys hate conflict. You hate, you hate giving your opinion anyway. And especially right now, you are probably keeping them all to yourself. You are on lockdown with Netflix and, and you don't want to. But here's the thing about nines. You guys are like the wisdom Yoda of the Enneagram. And your voice does matter because you are the type on the Enneagram that, you know, one of your superpowers is making people feel inclusive. And now more than ever, we need unity and sel and you know, avoiding conflict is not going to create peace. You guys have put your head in the sand when you're unhealthy enough to know that and you keep going back to it. And conflict isn't always a bad thing. My son, he was on one of my podcast interviews a couple months back and I think so often we avoid conflict, but conflict actually is where beautiful change can happen. And conflict is often necessary for social change especially. And as a nine, your ability to bring people together and hold space for multiple different perspectives and, you know, you have the ability to be objective is so important right now. So I know that there's no rule book for what we're doing, but I do know this is, we're all human beings and humanity needs us all to step up. And if you've made mistakes or if, you know, speaking your truth out of love is looked at as a mistake, then you listen, you learn, and you do better next time. But I know that the only way things are gonna change is if we face this head on. With love. With love. You know, beating the shit out of each other. And. And there are beautiful police officers out there, and there's, you know, and I get it. It's. It's fucked up, and it's heartbreaking. As a parent, it's heartbreaking. As a human being, it's a heart, it's heartbreaking.

And I know that the only way that we're really going to have changes if we have open, honest, loving conversations. And if you see people opening up and saying, I don't know what to say. And if before you're ready to jump down somebody's throat or just, you know, get the keyboard muscles going and you start, you know, bombing people behind a keyboard, I really want you to think twice about that.

The reason I didn't do the blackout, because it's very black or white. And I realized that what happened to George Floyd was black or white. Wrong. It was absolutely wrong. But how we navigate conversation around this moving forward, I think we have to open up our minds and not shut us out and not quiet down. If you're not going to be coming from a place of love, then maybe you should be quiet and really put on your listening ears right. Instead of your mouth. I know that I needed to take a time out for quite some time growing up, and even up until I was 40 years old. So I'm not judging you. Like I said, you don't realize the work you need to do until you're faced with something that challenges you, myself included. And I just want to continue to hold space for people. I continue to want to have more revealed to me about what I need to work on. This has revealed more.

To me about how I can do better and be better for humanity, the black community, anybody that is treated unjustly, and I will do better. I will do better, and I will speak up more, and I encourage you to do the same. If you're coming from a place of love and if you're just running on fear, I want you to reach out to me. Because it's one thing to have the awareness, but what we do with it, it is a whole nother ball game. And, you know, awareness. I've said this over and over and over again. And that's why, like, doing a blackout, yeah, brought awareness, but awareness doesn't equal transformation. It never does. Awareness is bringing it to the surface. We have to acknowledge where this is rooted from, where this all came from. That means looking back at the truth of all of this shit. And I'm not just talking about current events. I'm talking about any aspect of your life. You have to be willing to acknowledge where this was rooted. And then action is where the transformation can happen. But you can't skip a step. You can't go from awareness to, you know, coming in hot action that might be temporary, you might do some damage along the way. Awareness, bring it to the surface. Look at it, got to look at it. Acknowledge where this all was rooted from, especially for you, and maybe your experience in it. And then compassionate, effective, loving action. And I believe that if we do more of that we do, we will make some good changes in the world. And if this is something that's triggered you between the coronavirus and quarantine and now riots and whatever else we're going to be faced with, life will go on, it will continue.

And we're going to be faced with other things along the way. And the tools that I help people with is the awareness, the acknowledging and the action. So that when things do come up, even the most unthinkable things come up, you have some tools in your toolbox that will help you navigate it. It will allow you to look at yourself completely and move forward and do better and be better every single day. And that is how we become bulletproof, you guys. And you know, I want you to be kind to yourself. I want you to be kind to other people, even if you don't agree. I want you to speak with love, not defensiveness, not excuses. If you are wrong, promptly admit it and, you know, vow to just do better every day, Listen, learn, and move forward being better than you were yesterday. Until next time, here's to becoming bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram, traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand.

On the front line of your life.

And do the work.

Let's become bulletproof it.