60: Leading, Learning. Laughing, and Loving with an Enneagram Type One (The Reformer or Improver)

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to Millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello, hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. And we are going to do our series of how to lead, love, laugh and learn from each Enneagram type. And today's episode is on type 1, otherwise known as the Reformer or the Perfectionist. And I want you to know, even if you're not a one, chances are either you're parenting one, you're leading one, you're in love with one, you have a friend, that's one. And the more that we can understand each other, the easier that communication will be, the less there will be misunderstandings. If you are a one, this is going to be something that is definitely something you'll want to listen to because it all starts with yourself and having self awareness. That being said, if you are unsure of your type or you've taken one of those tests online, I'm just going to caution you, if you've listened to any of my podcasts before, you know that I've said this a million times already, but those tests, they're a great starting point and they're wrong about 65, 70% of the time. It doesn't mean that the tests suck at all. A lot of times we're mistyped based on answering them based on behaviors rather than motivations. We've got some past traumas, we've done some work, we're answering situationally all these things. And so if you really want to make sure you're getting typed properly. I love doing typing sessions with people. You can find me@traceyomally.com on the work with me section. I love doing the typing sessions. That way you know you're getting it right and I let you walk away with tons of nuggets that you can immediately integrate into whatever area of your life that you want to, or all of them or what? But it's really important that you have the right type because I want you to imagine it's your roadmap. And if you are typed improperly, you're taking the coordinates and the directions to a place that was never intended for you. Can you get there? Yes. Will it be a grind? Yes. Will it be sustainable? It's going to be challenging. So it's really, really important that if you are interested in using the Enneagram as a tool for yourself, for self awareness, in business, in leadership, parenting, that you yourself are typed properly. And that being said, it is not our job to go around typing other people either. I know that when we get excited about the Enneagram, we start kind of doing things and start putting people in boxes. And that's not what it's intended for. It's to help us all get out of the boxes that maybe life has put us in or the world has put us in. And that's why it's something that I've been doing for eight years now. That's why I highly recommend you come to me and let me help you navigate this process. Of course you can do it on your own, but just know that it might take you a while to come to.

The correct type for yourself. And what I have found is it's really hard to kind of be objective with ourselves. You know, I was typed back eight years ago with my therapist and trust me, I would have tried to get a different type if it was up to me back then.

Like I said, it's kind of hard to be objective with ourselves sometimes. It's hard to see our own blind spots. So having somebody help you through it is definitely something that's valuable and I love doing it with people. So today we're going to talk about the one, Type one, the perfectionist, the Reformer. This type falls into the body category, the body center of intelligence. And if you are following the Enneagram or understand it at all, you know, there's three centers of intelligence. There's the head, the heart and the body. And the Type one, the Reformer, falls into the body category, which means that they primarily show up, operate, communicate based on instinct, instincts, intuition. Now I'm not saying the other types in the other categories can't do this, but this is just kind of a natural thing for the type 1. They are the rational and idealistic type. They're very principled and purposeful, self controlled. Perfectionistic. Yes, Type one. So if you are a type one.

You kind of believe at your core. And this is where it's really important because based on, you know, there is a lot of people that have behaviors of the one, but the motive isn't the one. But the motive of a type one is that you believe that you must be good and right to be worthy. And so if you're a type one, you're conscientious, responsible, super improvement oriented and self controlled. But also the dark side is that you can be critical, resentful and self judging. And as outwardly as a type one under stress can be critical. This is where when I'm coaching people that are in relation with a type 1 or leading a type 1 or parenting a type 1, compassion for these people is really, really important. And they're hard, I'm not gonna lie. A type one under stress is very, very hard because then they get a little dramatic and emotional.

But as critical and outwardly emotional and aggressive as they can be when they're under stress, I want you to multiply that by about 100. And that's what they're doing to themselves. And so although it's very challenging sometimes, especially for the one themselves.

I really tell people, if you're dealing with a one that's under stress, have compassion leading with positivity first. Even when they're out of their ever loving mind sometimes, their focus of attention is always what is right or wrong, correct and incorrect. They're very black and white. They have very high standards, which is awesome. They're always improving things first for themselves and then for the greatest good.

The thing that one has to keep in mind, and this is like the goal if you're a type one or you know, a type one is to only like, like really focus. You know, the serenity prayer, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Like this is the type 1 like mantra they should live by. To change what can be changed, to accept what can't. And the wisdom to know the difference. Because the type one, the perfectionist thinks that they can improve everything and it's just, you know, not possible. How a one kind of speaks, I can tell a one pretty clearly for the most part. They're very precise, clear, direct, honest, very detail oriented.

Others. This is how like some people perceive, if you're like a Judge Judy or Judge Joey, you can kind of perceive them as judgmental or critical, closed minded sometimes.

You know, the thing with a type one, they have a powerful inner critic I like to tell people like their inner critic has a megaphone and it monitors every thought, every word, everything that they do. The one strives for perfection and feel responsible for making things right. Like literally they can't go to sleep at night without everything in order usually and having their day all set for the next day. So my son, he has a one wing and his behaviors are very one. Like he's very methodical, has to have everything or like detail oriented. His handwriting is perfect, his motive is definitely too, but his one wing comes out to play. Ones also focus on being good while repressing any of their impulses and desires for pleasure. Like they keep their own needs kind of at bay. Sometimes they get really pissed off if rules get broken and high standards are ignored or violated. Like literally they will lose their mind.

How they seek love and approval is by being good and right. At their best, ones are super tolerant and accepting and discerning and wise. I like having ones around. This is not a strength of mine is all those details.

You know, I'm somebody that operates with high integrity but as far as like systems and.

Techniques and like the details, that's not my strength. So for me having a one around to kind of interpret my integrity filled vision though a type one can really take those details and run with it. When you have a type one and you give them a job, you know it's going to be done and it's going to be done at the highest of standards, which is great, where they can get into trouble, especially if they're left in charge. And so if you're leading A one, you have to be really mindful because if you give them too much power and they're not the healthiest, it can kind of go sideways and you can have a whole, a whole rebellion go on and they can get kind of controlling if you're not careful. So it's really, really important to be clear in your communication with them.

Because ones take things very literal, very serious.

When you're dealing with a one, if they come to you with concerns, dismissing them is not something that you want to do. You have to kind of use kid gloves. And I mean that with the most respect because literally if they think that you think they're bad, their entire self worth goes to the shitter. Right? So body language and tone and pointing out positivity before you go into maybe some things for improvement. Type ones take criticism very hard even if it's really healthy and really positive. So like I said with my son who's got a one Wing, if I'm going to point some constructive, healthy criticism out, I have to be very gentle and very mindful of the words I use and the tone in which I use them and my mind frame going into it. Because they can, they can, they can go to the dark side pretty quickly.

Respecting their integrity is something that's important. If you just blow it off and you know, telling them, oh, we don't have to follow these rules like, no, they do, they really, really do. You better be a person of your word. If you say you're going to do something, they take you seriously, like walking your talk, do as I say. You know, if you say you're going to do something, you better do it with a one. They will not forget ever.

Admitting your mistakes to them because they already have it figured out. You know, they have already calculated what can kind of go wrong because their whole worth is tied on good, bad, right or wrong.

Like I said, the most important thing, if you are leading, loving a one, the reformer, the perfectionist, they're very, very sensitive, very sensitive. And you know, for the, the one that falls in the body triad, the underlying emotion in that, in that center of intelligence is anger. And although with like an 8, you'll see it explode with a 9, you don't see it very much with the one that anger is so internalized until they're pushed to the brink. And when a 1 is under stress, they take on the average 2 unhealthy 4, which is that individualist where they can become very, very dramatic and very emotional and kind of out of nowhere explode on you, right? So it's really important that you recognize that and understanding when that happens because all of a sudden they can become opinionated, impatient, irritable, rigid, sarcastic and super judgmental. We want to keep them in the growth pattern, right? And so for A one, when they are in a growth pattern and on the level of health that's like high, they take on the healthy seven, which is hilarious because if you look at the seven, the enthusiast and A one, the perfectionist, you would think they're almost opposites. But the great thing is, is the one, the natural form of growth is to take on that healthy seven, which means more playful, more free spirited, get them laughing like if you love A one or you're leading A one.

Trying to get them to lighten up and have more fun. It's important, however, you have to be careful that it isn't at the cost of judging their integrity or something that they deem is important. So there's A fine line there to get them to that healthy spot. But it's really, really important that we work to, you know, not have them taken things so, so seriously because. And that it's okay for them to make a mistake and get dirty and have some fun with things. And if it goes sideways, it's gonna be okay. It's not a reflection of who they are as a human being. Right? Because like I said, they believe that they must be good and right to be worthy. Their defense mechanism is like they feel one thing but express the opposite. So it's called reaction formation. So this is how they avoid direct anger. And that's how they keep control of their emotions and instincts. And it really helps them kind of portray that self image of just being righteous. But that relentless demand of that inner critic to be good sometimes is going to explode. Like I said.

If you are a one or you are leading or loving a one, you know, helping them without judgment, having them ask questions like how are you judging yourself? Like, be really compassionate with them.

You know, when, when they can see where they're judging themselves because it becomes so second nature to a 1 to just kind of internalize it and go there.

You know, they say things like, God, I'm so damn stupid or how the hell did I not? You know, all those things that berate themselves. Super. Comparing themselves to others.

Really with love and compassion, helping them see that not everything is always black and white and that having an open mind to other things might open up their world in a ways that. In ways that they don't even know, that's going to feel very scary for them. So you have to kind of be gentle and ease into it with them because they want to strive to improve everything. And so like the come from is a genuine beautiful place, but it can go sideways if they're not the healthiest. They don't like to be proven wrong. They don't like to make mistakes. They don't allow sloppiness. They don't like to really be around people they perceive as lazy or not serious. They don't like chaos. They don't like to be in situations that seem out of control or to be embarrassed. Right? So that's why getting them to have fun when I'm. When I'm with A one or leading A one or even with my son with the one wing, you know, getting them to have fun and laugh is really, really important. But not at their expense. Right. I remember my son telling me a story when he was in kindergarten. He brought like a care Bear to school for like show and tell. I mean he was as boyish as you get, but he brought a care bear because he loved him. And this one kid just said something to him and honestly he still remembers it to this.

So really being gentle with them, asking them their opinion, you know, the hidden side to the one, this is really important. Again, if you're leading one or loving one and what you can learn from them is they appear very well balanced and sure of themselves. They really, really do. They have the posture, they're always dressed to the T. Like they're very kept together, right? Not just in their.

Communication but in their appearance. They suffer from extreme self criticism, like I said, and feeling like they're never able to measure up. They have like Olympian sized standards in their head and so nothing is ever good enough in their head. So a lot of times this has them feeling lonely and alienated and like, you know, and that's something that's very similar to the unhealthy four that they go to under stress is feeling like something's missing for them. And so they're always trying to search for it.

Sometimes they'll take on too much and then they feel burdened by the responsibilities because a lot of times they'll take on everything because they're worried that, you know, if they let somebody else do it, it won't be done as thorough, it won't be done as great. These are the type of people that like back in school when you do a group project, they pretty much take over.

But when this, you know, when this happens and they build that resentment and that anger eventually will blow and especially if you disrespect them.

So where relationships can be struggles for ones, you know, like I said, they take things very seriously and their relationships and responsibilities and relationships are no different. They're so insanely committed to the people who they love. So that's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. With a one, they will, they will go to the ends of the earth and they are willing to make great personal sacrifices for the well being of the people that they love.

Ones can be idealistic and hold high standards for their relationship though too. So it's important for them to have a partnership that is based on shared values and beliefs. So like keeping even on the chores, making sure like everything is kind of equal. They don't. Even though they like to take over, they also want to not be taken advantage of.

But when ones get stuck in their kind of fixation, the following areas can create some problems right and if you love a one or you are one, this will probably be an aha moment for you. They can hold the partner, your partner to very high standards that your partner doesn't share. This is like, this is why communication is really, really important. And for ones, they kind of, when they're unhealthy, they expect everybody to operate like they do and it just never. That's not going to happen. Right. They have a hard time finding a partner because of unrealistic standards, you know, finding that one that measures up to those standards. Super picky. Not saying that being picky is a bad thing and having boundaries is a bad thing, but because their standards can sometimes be inflated if there's one box that they don't check on their list of what they want in a partner, they could miss, you know, their, their SoulMate. Quite honestly, one can become moody, depressed and kind of uncommunicated, uncommunicative because of that anger that they've been stuffing down for so long when they don't allow enough playtime in the relationship. So ideally, if they can get a healthy seven as a partner, that's ideal. But a seven usually would drive a one crazy, right? Because they're just so free spirited and fly by the seat of their pants. And that goes against like everything about a one sometimes. But they need the playtime. This is how they grow and this is how they loosen the grip on that perfectionism, you know, which is just a form of, you know, self abuse, self sabotage.

You know, Fee, these are these ones really. They schedule themselves so much that even their spare time has to be used for like serious things like chores and you know, time blocking and yard work and you know, personal development that they miss, miss the fun in life, right.

Because they have issues with criticism.

If their partner criticizes them or.

Has something to say. That's where the melodramatic can come in. But they can also become critical of their partner like nagging and nitpicking and so.

You know, being very clear in expectations with A one, like I said, because they take things very, very literally. Ones at their best, healthy ones, are guided by.

That level of standard and.

Maintaining the ethical standards. But at their best, they're also flexible and gentle about applying those principles with others and themselves. They can be truthful and reasonable. These are the type of people, when they're healthy, that we turn to for direction and clear feedback. Like I love the straight shooting part of them when they can have that open mind when they're healthy, they have a strong sense of morality like.

They are the eyes and ears kind of, especially when they're healthy and not playing the control game. These are the ones you want as eyes and ears of your home, your organizations when they're healthy. I'm going to put a little asterisk there because like I said, they can go to the control freaky if they're not healthy. This is when they're at their best.

When they come with things with a strong sense of morality, but they can temper this with a deep love and respect for the dignity of their fellow. You know, humans and all of that. That's where the sweet spot is for the one being impartial and fair and objective and willing to kind of.

Not just be all about their desires and their standards and immediate gratification for the greater good. When they can that open mind that is ideal. Because at their very best, these high functioning ones embody true wisdom. Because as a one, they, this is, this is the great thing about the 1. They have those high standards and high integrity. And because they have a wing as either a nine or a two or both, they can tap into that inclusive Yoda wisdom of the nine, right? That peacemaker, that objective thinker, the seeing everything, the bigger picture of things and also leaning into the compassion empathetic part of the two.

That's the goal is to be able to discern when to lean into compassion, when to lean into wisdom, when to lean into inclusivity.

That's. And it's right there at their wings. So they're able to tap into it when they can kind of take the blinders off and really tap into that instinct that they're in. They're in the instinctual triad. They have it, they have it and it's natural for them when they kind of stop white knuckling things.

Also at their best, they can be super gentle and.

Compassionate.

And not be so disappointed in humanity. A lot of ones, you know, when they're, they're not in a good spot, they're always disappointed, always. And if you've ever been disappointed over and over and over again, you know, it's not a fun place to be ever, right? It's like negative, just keeps going and going, you know, whatever you focus on, you find.

So helping them.

Get to the positive place.

Letting them know that other people do take things seriously too. But there can be a more fun approach to it than the rigidity that they come at it with.

And helping them see the bigger picture.

With gentleness and compassion. Some do's and don'ts with a type One, if you are leading or loving a type one, thank them for what they do. Words of affirmation are very, very big for them of their high standards and their high integrity. When it gets noticed, it's important.

A way to their heart. Also like one of their love languages for a Type one is to ask them their advice and their opinion.

Caution.

Only ask their opinion if you are actually going to be willing to think about it. And if you're going to challenge their opinion, make sure you do it with affirming some positivity on the front end. Ones are very, very strong. I know that it sounds like you have to like walk on eggshells around them. No you don't. But just be mindful of. Even with healthy, honest, constructive criticism, they magnify it and internalize it on themselves. And so I know again, we want to be effective, not necessarily right. And it's going to be really, really important that when you're dealing with A one or you are a one that you're aware of this.

The biggest do with A one is to help them have fun. They really want to, but they're afraid to because they think if they have fun something's going to fall through the cracks. And if something falls through the cracks, then their self worth goes to shit. Or their, their standard of which they live is just like shot. Right. I'm at. You know, it's kind of like when you're dieting and you have one cookie and because you weren't perfect, you say screw it and then the whole week is shattered and then you start on Monday. Like that is pretty much the one in a nutshell. Like if they're not perfect, all hell's breaking loose in their heads. So, you know, help them have fun. Not by disrespecting their standards and their integrity and their character, but you know, and with that, like complimenting them, appreciating them and then pushing them to have a little bit of fun too. And baby steps, especially if you've got a one that's really under a lot of stress. Some don'ts. And this is where it's. We can laugh, you know, we can do the extreme stereotypes. I want you to, if you're a fan of the show Friends, which I don't know who isn't. Monica is probably the one est one.

Ever. I just want you to picture Monica, okay? And how insane she was.

Some don'ts that you don't do with A one is don't ever say that they're irresponsible or they don't know what they're doing, although they're gonna try to take over and do everything. Imagine Monica and friends, don't let them do all the work.

They're going to want to because they're worried that it's not going to be done right. But if you let them do all the work, the resentment will come out and it will be explosive eventually. And so we don't want to do that. Even though they'd probably do it great. We don't want them to do that because we want them to have some fun with this too.

And the worst thing you can do with a one is question their integrity. Yeah, don't. Absolutely do not do that.

One of the things that I.

Learned from ones.

Because I'm such a decisive, instinctual person, like my type is in the same triad, the center of intelligence, the body center of intelligence, as the one. We are very different. We have high standards in different areas. I mean, I have high standards as an eight.

But when you can get an eight and a one working together and they're both healthy, this can be really, really good. Because we can read people as an eight. You know, we can kind of like gauge a situation, especially when we're healthy, you know, because we've got the protective.

Part of us. But the Ones are like have all the ducks lined up and.

Yeah, ones just make everything prettier, better run smoothly.

You know that the standards are high.

They Ones have a lot of physical energy.

But they, this is, this is also because an 8 can be explosive with their feelings and impulses. Ones can exercise intense self control over that. And so they can kind of help other people kind of keep emotions at bay. They do have to feel them at some point. But really watching how they can carry themselves professionally is something we can all learn from the ones.

If you're a one, practicing relaxation yoga is going to be important for you.

Really being conscious of your breathing. And when I'm working with A1 or loving A1 because I can watch A1 and catch them not breathing sometimes because they're bracing, they're like, like, they're like, I, I can almost see their hands white knuckled. And when that happens, people stop breathing. So I really work with ones to be mindful of what their body is telling them because they are in the body triad and because they suppress so much.

Slowing down.

And they have a hard time with that because it can bring up anxiety for them. But.

When you're surrounded by Ones, just know that things can go very smoothly.

Humor them a Little bit. You know, you can have fun with their perfectionist ways.

But it's really, really important that we, we let them have fun.

Without disrespecting their standards. Like I said.

Ones make the world a better place and they keep things in integrity. And in a time right now where the world is.

So volatile and so much uncertainty, one's kind of keeping the morality and the integrity at the highest of levels that humane, principled and fair is really, really good. You know, they're, they're very rarely all in it for them. They just, as much as they can seem very critical and it seem like they're all about them. They're really, really not. They're always looking for not just the greatest good.

For themselves and doing things at the highest good for themselves, but at the heart of them is for the greatest good for all. So surrounding ourselves and helping ones get to the healthiest form and healthiest part that they can be and allowing them to enjoy some of the fruits of their labor is the goal. I love ones. They're hard. They're hard and they will call you to the carpet, which is a good thing. Even though I don't personally like it sometimes. I appreciate their straight shoot, no bullshit kind of ways, especially when they're healthy and if they can, you know, laugh it up with me, then even better. So yeah, all you ones out there, you are something special. And if you love lead or parenting A1.

I want you to work really, really hard. Even when it feels like they're criticizing you or judging you, to lead with love and tell them how much you appreciate them, you'll notice that will soften up their heart a little bit. And if you're listening to me right now and you're like, well, it shouldn't be this hard, well, I'm going to ask you again, do you want to be effective or do you want to be right? And especially when we're talking about leadership and love and parenting, anything. If you want things to go better, go first. Go first and help your fellow ones lean into that and let them know how much you appreciate them. And like I said before, if you don't know what you are or you're not sure what's going on or whatever. I love doing not just typing sessions, but I do a whole range of like an enneagram experience with you, with your teams, with businesses, organizations, with families. I can customize any kind of deal with you because I'm all about the ripple effect of really having self awareness, not just for yourself, even though that's most important first, but then the organization, team, family as a unit. Because when we're kind of all understanding each other and speaking each other's languages, it all just goes better and we can all lean into our gifts and what we were made to do. It just, it just works. It just works. And there's something about respecting the gifts and other people.

That really just makes a harmonious kind of life. And you know me living in a house with I'm in the instinctual body center of intelligence. I have one in the heart center of intelligence and one in the head center of intelligence. And when we really just work hard to understand each other, very rarely do things go sideways. And so if you have a business or organization, you're leading people, you have a team, you have a family, you have a spouse, anybody. If you're having a hard time communicating, this might be a tool that is for you. Again, I would love to work with you. You can go to traceyomalley.com under the work with me. You can find me on Instagram traceyomalley. If you are listening to this and you are.

Screenshot this, share it Tell me what was spot on. You're like holy crap, that's me. Or if you love or lead a type one, I want to know what you are learning about them and how maybe you can make some adjustments to make things run a little bit smoother. The Enneagram is one of my favorite tools of all time. And you know this is the first of the series of nine on how to lead, love, laugh and learn from each enneotype. This was the one, the perfectionist, the reformer, something so special. So I would love to hear your feedback. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof. Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the top and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's Become Bulletproof Sam.