62: Leading, Learning. Laughing, and Loving with an Enneagram Type Two

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast and we're continuing this series on leading, loving, laughing and learning with each individual Enneagram type. And today we are going to be talking about enneagram type 2, the helper or the giver.

This type falls into the heart triad so they show up. They are probably the most feeling type on all the Enneagram. And if you are somebody who's just starting to learn about the Enneagram or you maybe got typed or typed yourself and things aren't adding up or you don't know what to do with it, I do sessions pretty frequently. You can go to traceyomally.com and go to the work with me section and I can help you with that. It is so much fun and so eye opening and you know, it's one of those things where if you have the wrong information, you kind of can get off path and it can get frustrating.

So it's really important to have your proper type if you choose to use the Enneagram as a powerful tool. And trust me, I get it. I had, I probably tried to do this myself, I would have manipulated the test in order to get the type that I thought would be the most appealing and least exposed. And of course my therapist helped type me and that's how I ended up the challenger. Which is spot on by the way. And thank God it is. Even though in the beginning I was looking at that type like oh shit, I don't want to be that. They call it an ask an eight hole for a reason. But anyway, it's important to have the right type so you know where you can go naturally in growth, where you go when you hit the dark side, the things that you can lean into that are easily accessible so everything doesn't have to be so damn hard all the time. And so really getting typed accurately is super important if you choose to use Enneagram as a tool. And honestly, for the last almost decade, I've used it in every aspect of my life and it is still my favorite, favorite, favorite.

Tool. That makes things a hell of a lot easier. So that being said, if you're a lover of the Enneagram and you haven't maybe had somebody help type you, I highly recommend it. So you can go to traceyomalley.com work with me. Hit me up on Instagram tracyomalley to find out more. So we're going to talk about type 2, the helper, the giver. And I know this one very, very well because this is what my son is. And as an eight, when I am in a pattern of growth, I take on all the beautiful traits of the two. That's where my compassion that maybe you guys see me have or the empathy that I today, that is because I'm in a growth pattern pretty much constantly. And as an eight, that's where we go in growth. Wasn't always that way, let me tell you, because my son is a 2. Twos, when they are under stress, they take on the average to an unhealthy 8. So back in the day, painting this picture for you back in the day, let's say 2011, 2012, beginning stages of 2012, I was probably one of the most unhealthy eights I knew. My son was hitting a rough patch himself at the age of 14. So he was in his average unhealthy 8. So you can imagine that in a household. Yeah. So when we were learning about the Enneagram and my son was reading through me, him and his sister.

And where we go under stress, he was reading all the types, the three, or I'm sorry, the two, the seven and the eight under stress. And he looked up and he goes, mom, how the hell did we not kill each other in 2012? And seriously, it's by the grace of God. Because the two, the helper, is the caring, interpersonal type. Like I said, it falls into the center of intelligence with the heart triad. So for the twos, the threes and the fours, those are the three types that fall in the heart triad. And the two, like I said, they feel everything. They can feel what other people are feeling. So they're the empaths of the group. And I know that all of you are going to be like, oh, then I'm a two. That isn't necessarily how it goes.

The two definitely believes without question that they must give fully to others in order to be loved. So they're caring, helpful, supportive, and relationship oriented. But where this kind of goes sideways for them is that they can also be prideful, intrusive, demanding and manipulative. And it's so subconscious sometimes, especially when they go really, really dark, and we'll get into that in a second, but their focus of attention is always on other people's needs, feelings and desires. Like they can walk in a room and feel that they can tend to be codependent when they're not healthy. Their life lesson that they really need to find and, and, and really honor is to develop the humility that comes from allowing them to be loved. Like, they have no problem giving, but sometimes, like, saying what they need feels like you're gutting them.

So for them, for a type 2 to develop humility that comes from allowing yourself to be loved without being needed and to actually like voice that you have needs of your own. Because where this goes sideways is when twos, they will never speak up when they're not healthy for their own needs. But they'll also have this burning resentment that people can't read their minds and just know what they need. Because as a two, you can pretty much tell what people need. And where the manipulation comes in is you kind of just take over and help people with what they need to earn love. So subconscious, and most of the time it comes super innocently.

So two speaking style are super friendly, open, expressive, like I said, focused on others and quick to support or give advice.

They are the ones that say yes without even thinking a lot of the time and then overbook themselves and then have resentment or feel tremendous amount of guilt if they have either overbooked or.

You know, they have to let somebody down. You know, as my son is a two, for a long, long time, he didn't have healthy boundaries around the yes. You know, he would say yes to everything. Because again, twos believe they need to give themselves fully in order to have love. So you can imagine if your worthiness and your ability to be loved is on what you give to people, you're going to say yes to everything. And that doesn't work so well. Right? There's this balance, there's this harmony that can happen with having healthy boundaries and teaching not just my own son, but other twos to say, hey, can I get back to you on that? Can I get back to you in 24 hours? Like, that is one of the things I really work with Twos on. And when I first have them do it, like you can feel them wanting to throw up a little bit. Like just at the thought of saying, can I get back to you? And not automatically saying yes because it's like, but you're taking love away from me. So you can see how that goes. Being in the heart triad. For the twos, threes and fours, the underlying emotion is shame.

You may not always see it because like if you're a three or, you know, a three, you're like, well, wait a second, I don't see an achiever carrying any shame at all. The thing is, is they kind of just like push it down. They don't have time for it. Where twos can feel it, the fours will internalize it and take it on. Like, the twos will express the shame a little bit more. The fours internalize it and the threes kind of just like dismiss it. It's stuffed down. They have it, but they dismiss it. But the three types in the heart, center of intelligence, their main motivation behind everything they do is significance. So like the twos are, they need to be loved based on what they give, right? So.

Where.

What twos will tell us about themselves is that they don't have time to take care of themselves. I hear this all the time with codependency, that they're, they're, they're too preoccupied with the needs of others to take care of themselves. They, they're super. They take a lot of pride in giving and helping. The resentment that comes in is they feel like people take advantage of them.

They have a hard time expressing their own needs. And if they're really self aware, they can realize that they can be manipulative and alter how they present themselves to others in order to appear helpful and.

Being needed. I have worked with so many twos and I can spot them without judgment because I know this is how, you know, I can have compassion for them and really speak life into them because I realize that it's coming from this. They believe that that's how they are loved. And so, you know, putting on this manipulative mask on how they present themselves to appear like they, they're needed. And this is where, like when a codependent and an addict, like, you usually gotta have one to have the other. Like, they, they're like this dance that they do.

But sometimes that codependent or an unhealthy two can get their worth based on, you know, scraping an addict up off the floor, things like that. I know that's really extreme. But that's kind of how dark this can go.

In relating tattoos.

You know, giving them words of affirmation, appreciation. Because so much of what they do is based on giving and serving others. And people take it for granted a lot of the time, whether their motive is genuine or needing love, whatever it is.

As an 8, I'm not quick to throw around compliments, quite honestly. In fact, when I was unhealthy, I almost withheld it on purpose because I was like, screw you, you don't need this. I was an asshole a lot of the time, so I got this. But now, like, raising a 2 and knowing, like, how important that is, the littlest things, I just, I really acknowledge the little things that most people wouldn't notice that a 2 does because it's so second nature to a 2 to just kind of step up and do certain things. I go out of my way to say, like, thank you for doing that for me. And it goes so far. It goes so, so far. And, you know, it's. When it's. Especially when it's coming from a healthy place, it feels really good to honor them, you know, Especially if they have some healthy boundaries. Right? They appreciate, like I said, attention to their needs. So because A2 can read a situation and kind of instinctively know what other people need, when you can pay attention to their needs, that goes a very, very long way. They value warmth.

So again, we are going to paint this picture back to 2011. The unhealthy 8. Who is the furthest thing from warm living with an unhealthy two? Who is craving it? Yeah, it was a shit show. But being an 8, that's probably the optimal health. I lean into my healthy two all the time. It is where I go in growth. And so because my son has healthy boundaries now, we very rarely get into disagreements, but I have to watch, like, my tone, because my tone and the rapid pace in which I can talk and the intensity of which I can talk can come across as not very warm. So when I'm dealing with twos, not just my son, I really focus on eye contact, a softer voice, I slow down my words. It's really. It goes a long way, believe it or not, avoiding being critical and not taking them seriously. Like, if you're really condescending to a 2, that will send them to the stress 8, which is where they will get defensive and argumentative and almost look like an eight sometimes. So if you have, if you're a two or know a two that's been under stress for a long, long Time. This is where I see a lot of twos get mistyped as eights. If they've experienced trauma or they grew up in an abusive home.

Or with an addict. I see so many twos get mistyped as eights. And, you know, you're thinking they couldn't be further from the. From the opposite of each other, but under stress, a 2 can really look like an 8. And, you know, back in the day, my son and I looked very similar, but very different. The motive was different. His heart got hurt a lot more than mine, quite honestly, because I don't operate.

I obviously have a heart, but, like, that's not my first go to. Mine is always instinctual, but really having that warmth and not being super critical, taking them seriously.

When I sense a 2 is getting under stress and because I know what to look for.

Instead of getting defensive with a two being really soft and saying, what's really bothering you right now? Is there something I can do to serve you right now? And almost always when I can sense my son kind of going in that pattern, just saying that takes him right out of it. So it's really, really great to understand that when you're dealing with a two. And I know in leadership.

This is a big problem that I notice with people that aren't twos that are leading twos is they get really frustrated with their sensitivity. And it's honestly the twos, when they're healthy, change the world. I mean, Lord knows in the world we're living in today, with everything that's happened in 2020 so far, Lord knows that compassion is the superpower this freaking world needs. And twos have it, like, so naturally. But you have to speak life into them and really encourage them and help them get to the healthier spot. Like, obviously, they have to do their own work, but when you can speak love and light into them in a way that's not manipulative or condescending or any of the things, but like, helping them move to the growth pattern for them, which we'll get to. The world needs the twos, let me tell you, because twos excel at making connections and empathizing with the needs and feelings of others. And when we are seen, heard, and understood. I've been saying this for a long, long time. When we are seen, heard, and understood, anything is possible. We do things that we never thought we could. We kick down vulnerability walls. Like I have. Like, when I finally felt seen, heard, and understood and allow myself to do that more and more, I'm able to step into my Growth, right? So twos, when they're healthy, when they can do this, it's life changing. So if you're leading a two or parenting or two or love a two, it's really, really important to help them in this journey to build strong boundaries, to appreciate them, because that's how you're going to get them into growth, right? Because they're focused on relationship. They're so good at supporting others and again, reminding them to turn the attention towards themselves and asking them what they need and helping them have healthy boundaries. They'll never be an asshole like an 8 can be with a boundary. But encouraging them to use that muscle is something that can be really, really powerful for them because then they can say yes to the things that really matter and they won't overbook themselves and then have resentment and feel really, really bad, right? Being emotionally sensitive, they want to be in, be accepted and liked by others. And so, you know, watching a two that you care about parenting, you're leading, they can adapt or change to earn this approval. And you know, if you care about a two, lead a two, love a two, whatever. Like, you don't want to judge them for this because it's literally just a defense mechanism and a thing that they do to know how to earn love. And so when you can help them recognize that with love and compassion, they will be able to recognize it for themselves, right? Like I said, setting personal boundaries feels like torture to a two at first. But I will tell you this.

My son, who is a very healthy two today at the age of 22, which is amazing to even say, he actually loves his boundary muscles now and he loves the phrase, can I get back to you in 24 hours? And here's the key to that. If they say no, then the answer is no. I know, all the twos seriously are like, oh my God, I want to die just in the thought of saying that, right?

But when they don't set boundaries and they say yes to everything, that's where the emotional outburst, because they're so under high pressure and the world doesn't even know the pressure that they've put on themselves by saying yes to everything, that that's where these emotional outbursts and where a 2 can look like an 8, right?

Like I said, they're caring, helpful, relationship oriented, generous. Their defense mechanism. This is important. They suppress unacceptable feelings and convert them into a more acceptable form. That's where the masks come in. They repress their personal needs and feelings to avoid feeling needy. Yet when people need them, they thrive on that so it's like this contradictory thing that goes on for them. But it's really important them to maintain this helpful self image.

Their genuine need for connection takes the form of you need me. And when they seek approval, they can kind of miss authentic connection, right? Because they're so just fixated on how I can be needed here that they'll miss the actual point of connecting in relationships due to their tendency to kind of shape shift or being overly nice, superficially friendly and flattering.

And this is something my son and I have talked about where they can, when they do this, over time, they can also display an attitude of entitlement. And as a two, you have a wing that's either a one or a three. And my son leans heavily into that one wing, which is that right or wrong. The last episode I did was on the one the Perfectionist and that right or wrong, black and white where you know, sometimes that judgment can come in, that entitlement can come in, but he's recognizing that in himself too. So some of the things that you can ask yourself as a two to build a practice of awareness for yourself or if you are leading a two again, it's not your job to start typing everybody. That's what I'm here for is what I love to do and help people really help either discover their type on their own or guide them through a process to do that. But if you're leading one, leading a two, you know, really helping them pay attention to where their energy has been going on others needs. Like they're the type of people that can drag people along sometimes when they need to cut ties. And you know, when we enable people, we actually rob them of their process, right? And so when I tell A two, like you have to like let them kind of sit in their shit a little bit. They're like, but they need me. And I'm like, listen, listen, you beautiful two with a heart of gold. You are robbing them of their own learning and growth process and you're actually not helping them when you overly help. I know it gets very confusing for you twos.

If you're a two asking yourself what do I really want and need? And because you have been so fixated probably for so long on other people's needs, that might be a hard question for you to answer. But the more that you do it and flex that muscle, the easier it will get. You know, how do you support and nurture yourself?

Quarantine has been life changing for my two that lives with me. And I'll explain Why? In a second.

Two'S asking yourself, how do I allow others to support me? And if you are being really honest, if you're unhealthy, there probably isn't many ways that you allow others to support you. But you have this burning resentment of you wish you were supported, right? What ways do you feel or act as though that you're indispensable, like they can't get by without me. That's where like that whole codependency happens a lot of time. Do you take pride in being needed? Do you wear that as a badge of honor? I know that's a hard thing to really like own up to sometimes because you get so much positive reinforcement from that. Also asking yourself, what ways do you alter or change yourself to fit what others might seem to want? Or how do I express humility? So generally, twos are super caring, empathetic, warm, thoughtful, appreciative, generous, like I said, affectionate, well intentioned. How to's get into conflict? Like I said, the people pleasing, flattering. They can become clingy, worried, possessive, insincere. When they're on the unhealthy range, they can become seductive, self important and self deceptive. Twos at their best are encouraging, loving, also self nurturing, though joyous, humble, forgiving, gracious and compassionate, right? Really, really important. The passion of the two is pride. Because they believe that they'll be loved only if they're completely available to attend the needs of others. So.

This is where they fear that others will actually reject them if they have needs. And so when they find themselves unable to acknowledge the extent of their emotional needs and desires, they fall into that passion of pride and that point they feel the duty to care for others while denying that they have any significant problems. And unfortunately, the more that twos deny that, the more they tend to express themselves with the aggression, ulterior motives and hidden needs and all of the things like that. Where twos get into trouble in relationships is.

Ironically, because they're so focused on relationships, right? People.

People are where the twos focus all their energies. So they're so generous with their time and attention and really want the people they care about to be happy and well cared for. The problem is, is when twos go overboard with those efforts to be close to their loved ones, they can try too hard to please the other, selling themselves out for affection, appreciation, because people will take that for granted. You know, you teach people how to treat you and that's a hard lesson. Like people can't take advantage of you unless you don't speak up for yourself. This is where like declaring that you actually have needs, people can't read your mind. I've said that to so many toos. Like people cannot read your minds. I know that you feel like you can read people's minds and know what they need, but most people aren't wired that way. Right.

Where else twos can get into trouble is like not giving people enough space. They can kind of because they fear abandonment. Sometimes they can be a little clingy, like I said. Also expecting the mind reading, like I said. So they get disappointed when.

Their partner spouse can't read it and. And they just don't anticipate their needs. They can become possessive and jealous.

And not acknowledging their hurts their needs.

That can really cause a lot of problems in the relationship. So here's where twos get really interesting. And I've watched this firsthand, so it's beautiful. So A2 you've heard me talk about. When they're under stress, they take on the average unhealthy 8. When they are going healthy, they take on the beautiful traits of the four, the individualists, you know, the most creative intuitive on the Enneagram. And this is when the twos become aware of how much they have denied their needs and their own darker feelings and how much they have deceived themselves about their own motives. When they kind of take on this healthy four, they begin to accept themselves a lot more. They don't reject any aspect of themselves, even their destructive feeling towards others. They can hold compassion for it and they don't feel guilt over that. They're super honest with themselves.

Because the four is like this ultra self aware, right? They discover humor and humanity. I have not seen my son have a bigger sense of humor than I have the last six months. And a lot of that had to do with quarantine because it took away his ability to go out and help all the time. So all he had to do was really focus on him, his creativity. He's been playing music and writing and doing all of this and he's having fun and. And he's lightened up a lot. So he's noticed that as well.

This also gives the two the ability to see themselves objectively and without shame and with more love and balance and harmony. And they're actually able to support others better from the fullness of who they are. Because I mean, you think about it when you're filling up your cup, then you're serving from the overflow and not from a place of depletion. So gradually and naturally they become more authentic, expressive, sensitive and creative in ways that are so much more enriching to themselves and others. And they're not as freaking tired, right? So it's amazing. So that's the goal for the two.

So the basic need of the helper is to be loved. So when they're relaxed, they're genuinely caring. If you experience it too as needy, passive aggressive or guilt tripping, reminding them that they're great just the way that they are, that they don't need to do something for you in order to have your love, this is going to be really, really important, like the reassurance.

And again, be very mindful of your tone. Be very mindful that you're not distracted when you're talking to them.

If you are loving a two or you are a two, this is going to be really important. If you are a two to say that this is important to you. Because again, you've been doing a dance a certain way for a long, long time and if you all of a sudden start changing up the rules, people are going to get confused. So be patient to know this is not going to happen overnight. I tell people all the time, like you don't go to the gym and start like squatting 500 pounds and expect to just crush it, you know, to build like this strong butt. It just doesn't happen overnight. This is a muscle and it's going to take consistency, it's going to take increasing the pressure over time, but you got to stay consistent with it. So twos, if you're a two and you want to be able to express your need for love, that means you're going to actually have to speak up and do it from a place of not. When you have been pushed too far from that unhealthy eight, right?

If you are loving eight two and you notice that they're taking on that unhealthy eight, that passive aggressive, maybe a little defensive, reminding them that they don't have to do things for you to have your love. And.

I gotta say, when I was first learning this, it was really hard for me, but because I care so deeply. Like again, do you want to be effective or do you want to be right or do you want to just be the way that you are and expect everybody else to adjust? That's not how relationships work. That's not how we are able to leverage everybody's strengths in our life if we operate from that. Like I can use the helper in my life and the enthusiast in my life. So Easily now because I speak their language. So we all can cohesively work together so beautifully where none of us feel depleted. So if you're feeling resilient in kind of adjusting how you speak or ask for what you need, then just. You might as well just sign up for a life that's going to be a lot harder. It really, really will be hard. Everything will be exhausting, and you'll get depleted and you'll get burnt out and you'll burn bridges, and nobody wants that. Right? So when you're reassuring that, too, that they're just lovable because they are them and because they're amazing, not because of what they do for you. When you do this in a loving.

Way.

You'Re going to notice shifts. You will, because you become this safe place for them to express what they need. Right. The more compassionate and loving and present I was for these conversations, the more the helpers in my life felt like I was a safe place. And as an eight, that. That is not always a thing that comes natural, right? Eights can be really intense. So, yeah, it's been amazing to really watch twos say, this is what I need, and you'll be surprised. I know at first as a two, like, that sounds like, oh, my God, painful because you. You could be rejected. And because you've conditioned people for so long to just take advantage of you, which you have to own that people can't take advantage of you unless you allow it. Gonna say that. There's my eight coming out. Like, I'm just gonna tell it like it is right there. But in order to change things, you're going to have to, like, change how you communicate what you need to. So let's have some fun.

I like to, you know, the stereotypes and the memes on each type make me laugh. I could go down the rabbit hole of memes forever because I think they're great. And it's good to have a sense of humor. So because the twos are, like, super empathetic, you know, when they kind of go off on their eight, like, I freaking help everyone so much, nobody bothers to ask or say thanks, even though they didn't ask for help in the first place. And, you know, they can have, like, this temper tantrum and you take my love for granted, and I don't know how much more I can take. And, you know, they can become.

Very emotional. My daughter, when she was little, she's not a two, but she used to say it was the cutest thing ever. Mommy, I'm a notional I'm a notional at like 3 and 4 years old. So you know, if you, if you have a 2, that's like losing their shit. Just lean in and love them. Say, oh honey, come here. They may not like it at first, they might be a little aggressive at first, but you know, again, this is going to take time. This is not going to happen overnight. Everything happens with consistency. But if you are a two.

Having boundaries will change your life. If you love or lead a two, having patience with them when they feel like a little emotional or they don't stand up for themselves, take the time, slow down with them, really engage with them, speak positivity into them. Because two, when they are healthy, have superpowers like nobody else on the Enneagram and they have the capacity and the capabilities to change the entire freaking world. But they have exhausted themselves so much trying to earn love by giving of themselves that they can't do what they are meant to do in this world if we don't remind them that they are just loved because they're them. And I know I had to learn this and I knowing this and learning this, not only does it make me feel really good as a mom and I lead many twos in business, but the most important two in my life I'm raising. And to see just what a few small consistent adjustments and how I show up for the two in my life to see the confidence, to see the healthy boundaries, to see his creativity, to see what he is doing in his life at 22 freaking years old. I would say that making the adjustments and learning to speak the language of the people that you lead and love is really, really, really important. And first you got to know you. You got to know you like me. Knowing that I'm an 8 and how that can affect it too was a big deal. Knowing that my intensity pretty much sent my poor kid into like anxiety, heart palpitations pretty much every day. That was not an easy pill to swallow but an important one to acknowledge, right? So when you are leading and loving people, you got to learn about them, but it starts with you. So again, if this is something that is interesting you, I want to hear what you've learned. If you are too or you love or lead a two, I want to know the aha moments you had. If you can screenshot this if you are on Instagram and you want to tell me about it like because you will help others when you share your aha moments. This is how we all learn and, and when we can leverage all the people in our lives that aren't like us. You won't have to work as hard, I promise you. I don't work near as hard as I did a decade ago. And yet I'm way more efficient, effective, rich. I have a lot more money, I have a lot more happiness, my health is better, all the things. So I would say it's worth it. And if you are interested in learning more about your own type or actually getting the proper typing, you can again book me@traceyomally.com, go to the Work with me section. Find me on Instagram tracyomalley and for all you twos out there so grateful for you. You guys keep me in my little heart space that for close to four decades I pretty much shut down. So thank you for being you and you are loved just because you're you. And until next time, here's to becoming Bulletproof.

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