65: Intuition and personal development—where to start?

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

Hello. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And this is going to be a solo episode on a day that normally there are interviews.

You know, I've been called so much. I'm so instinctively and intuitively led. And if you've been listening for any length of time, you know that that's kind of how I roll. And I've talked the podcast starting to change a little bit based on what my instinct has said from the beginning, which I kind of ignored a little bit and what you have told me. So I don't know exactly what it's going to look like yet. I'm going to continue to keep, you know, being led by that gut instinct because you know what, it's never wrong. And I'm going to talk a little bit about our intuition and instincts today. And not in a woo woo sense, even though I can go woo woo, but you know, I'm more of a straight shooting, no bullshit kind of girl. And that is how I roll. Not just with you, not just with my children, but any person that I come in contact with. And you know, for a long time I was always kind of like a no bullshit girl, but it came from a place of insecurity and it was, it came from a place of building walls, right? And if you are a person that knows you have walls, that you stay behind them a lot of the time, that you've also done some work or you're willing to at least like take a look and crack yourself open a little bit, or if you've been like a personal development junkie and have gone on maybe even a year, two years, decades of personal development work, and yet you still find yourself behind a wall or in a predicament or, you know, the code word that I See, a lot of the time in air quotes is I'm taking a social media detox or I'm going to kind of take a break. And I'm not knocking any of that. I think anytime we allow ourselves to have space to really take a look at what's happening, it's to be respected and admired. And I want you to know, even though I'm kind of joking about it, I have nothing but respect for anybody that really wants to get to the bottom of it. Now, some people go off the deep end and all of that, and I believe everybody's got their own journey and their own process. And I believe also that when you are ready to handle stuff, stuff comes up. The problem is a lot of time, it doesn't come at times that are convenient. It's messy as hell and we want to save face. We don't want to disrupt maybe parts of our lives that are not great, but certainly you don't want to rock the boat. And this I know to be true is. Growth is never fun, convenient without pain.

It doesn't mean that's horrible because you're probably listening, like, why the fuck would I want to do it? Then it's kind of when we surrender to it that it becomes a little bit easier. It doesn't mean it. It doesn't hurt without pain, any of that. So I know that a lot of you that listen to me, and the reason I know this is because you reach out to me. A lot of my coaching clients are going through this. You know, I obviously have history with recovery. It's only a small part of who I am and what I am all about. I believe we are all in a process of recovering from something. Some of us from substances, some of us from, you know, generational patterns, codependency, workaholic, you name it. We're all kind of needing to recover from something. Because I believe that so many of us use something outside of us to navigate and regulate feelings and emotions and thoughts, right? And anytime we are trying to.

Deal with something outside of us, there's going to be some kind of recovery that should happen. I believe it's just how I work. Because I think that when we can deal with all of our full range of emotions, that means the highs and the lows, because that's life. Life has contrast and how you experience immense joy and contentment and.

Just all the good juicy shit in life is like, how do you know it's juicy if you haven't had the contrast? So I want to encourage you guys to Lean into the contrast of your emotions. And my goal is to help every person out there navigate them, not stuff them, not regulate them with something other than what's in you. Because as you are willing to go through the process, more stuff is going to come up, because it's in that willingness that you become equipped and capable to deal with it. And I want you to know, if you're sitting there listening right now and you're like, yeah, that's great for you, Trace, but do you even know how many years I have stuffed? Yes, I do, because none of the stuff I talk about the last eight years was anything that was in my conscious mind. For the most part, I had pushed down, stuffed down, drank down, you name it down, every kind of thing that was uncomfortable for most of my life until I turned 40 and realized that that wasn't working for me and I was repeating history with my own kids, and I didn't want that. So I want you to know that I get it. It wasn't until that I surrendered to the process.

And really leaned in that more memories came. And I think sometimes we're afraid of revisiting the pain of the past. And I'm definitely not one that lives in the past. Not at all.

But. And this is the most important part, and this is where it gets fucked up along the way and where a lot of the personal development doesn't help you. And this episode is all about Trace. I've done the work. I've done so much work. Why is this still so hard? Because of the work that's out there, that is fluffy and easy to digest and easy to buy, and coaches that are doing it is changing habits and patterns. But you have to get to the root of it for it to stick. Right? And it wasn't until I looked at the entire root of the problem or the issue or the cause of my belief system that it was going to stick. Any of these habits and patterns that I put into place, the only way they're going to stick and be.

Be able to go the distance, is as if I was willing to look at the whole picture. It doesn't mean we're going to linger long there, but you have to understand where it's coming from. And so the main theme on so much of the coaching I've been doing with people and even those of you that hit up my Instagram inbox and all the ways that you guys find me, it's I've done the work, Trace. And why is this happening? Or why have I relapsed? Or why am I going back to old things? And, and this is where the rubber meets the road. This is like the master's program of the work. And, you know, this is why people have one of two reactions to me. And.

It'S, it's, there's no gray area usually with this either you are completely drawn to me and it's like, holy shit, she speaks my language. It's like she's only talking to me. And that might intrigue you and also scare you a little bit, but you can't look away. Like you're still drawn to it. And I want you to know, if you're one of those people, stay leaning in because I'm gonna, I'm gonna eventually talk to you in a way that you're gonna be like, yep, enough's enough, and I'm really ready to dive in. Or the other thing, the other reaction I get from people is they completely bolt the other way. I probably make them so uncomfortable because they know I can see through it. And without judgment, it's almost eas. Like me, if you felt like I was judging you. But because I don't have judgment, it makes people more uncomfortable. And I'm okay with that because I realize that I'm just a conduit for change. First I had to go first. And, and I know that that's been my calling my entire life. As a nine year old girl, I knew this is the work I would do. A lot of twists and turning, turning roads to get there, but.

I always knew that this is what I would do. That all that pain, all that stuff, all that shit, even as a nine year old, was going to matter for something. But I wanted to give you guys a nugget today. And this is going to be a short and sweet episode because I know that there are many of you that are diving into your own growth and your own journeys and especially, you know, on lockdown in a pandemic and quarantine. You've had more time with yourself than you've probably allowed your entire life. And for some of you, that is really fucking uncomfortable.

And I will admit, for me, there have been areas of my life that.

Even this morning, as I was preparing for this, I felt called to kind of look over something that was kind of sitting with me and look at how I responded to it. And it is amazing to see how I went to an old pattern, because it's not, oh, we got dogs barking. Hold on. That's real life recording with puppies. I was looking at something that it's an area of my life where I haven't flexed the muscle that much because I just haven't been in a position to. I'm going to talk about that in a second. And you know, it's about two weeks out from how I was responding to a certain situation and I was looking at it through the eyes of setting, sitting in it for a few weeks and oh my goodness, do I see my own path patterns. And for those of you that have done some work or you've done personal development, and this is the important part about all of this, it's one thing to digest information and understand. Even at a cognitive brain thinking level. Like as a nine year old I understood all this shit, like cognitively in my brain I could think my way, like everything made sense. And in some ways when we, when we can understand things in our head, we allow shit to go on, not just for ourselves that we can justify, but we also start to make excuses for other people and how they're behaving.

And the problem is so much of the growth work, personal development work that you're doing is, and I'm not saying it's bad, it's really important you understand it, but your heart doesn't feel that. And that was my disconnect for most of my life, because like I said, I have understood all of this shit most of my life. But when that vulnerable part of our heart, that little boy or little girl that's living inside of you is like hell to the no, like no way, no way. And that's where that disconnect happens, is we understand it, but we haven't quite felt our way through it. We want to just spiritually bypass all that feeling stuff and get to the growth. And there is absolutely, there is no passing zone that unless you feel your way through it, you will never get to the growth that you desire. And that was a hard fucking lesson for me. And it was definitely something that I went kicking and screaming in because I understood it all. I mean, I manipulated nine therapists before I got to this point and pretty much had them on their knees like, will you be my therapist? I mean seriously, that's how, how good I was at understanding a lot of this shit and the insight and the, even the intuitive part of it. But when it came to my heart and feeling the pain of it, there was a no crossing zone. But it wasn't until I allowed that to happen that things shifted and shifted really, really, really fast. What also came with that is people felt that shift and either they could be in it or they weren't. And most of the people I'm here to tell you could not handle it. And I honestly knew that their part of the story was over. And it's part of the process. But the thing that is happening, and a lot of the people that I coach or that are. They're coming to me now to coach because they're like, yeah, I need you. And this is why they realize that they understand things, but they don't know how to feel the things and how to feel the things in a way that is healthy. Because there is a grieving process to the ways we have done things. I mean, the ways that I. And I'm in a grieving process right now in an area of my life that, you know, I've always done things a certain way. And I'm. I'm watching some of this in real life form of about myself play out. And so I want you to know that I have so much love and compassion for you guys. And I get it.

But it's. It's one of those things where you have to really look at it. So the reason why it's not working for a lot of you is because you haven't used the muscle. It's like this. And I want you to really understand this theory. All of us know how to eat right and go to the gym, and we can study all the workout moves to have, you know, banging butts. And, you know, like, my goal is always Carrie Underwood legs. Like, I know all the exercises she does to get those damn legs. And they're. They're amazing. And those exercises are horrible, right? But I know them. I can study it. I know exactly the right form. I know everything. But until I actually flex the muscle and use the muscle, I'm getting Carry Underwood legs, right? And so I know you want the growth. I know you want to be able to flex your spiritual and emotional muscles with such strength and power that no matter if a Mack truck comes and hits you, you can navigate that, right? But until you. You actually are in it using those muscles, it's not going to happen. You can understand why it's happening. You can understand all the things. And that's what a lot of the coaches out there are doing. They, in theory, understand what to do, but are they actually doing it?

I would guess a lot of them aren't. And that's okay. I have no judgment. I get it. I would have done the same thing a decade ago. If coaching was a thing that was popular a decade ago, I probably would have done the same thing. So know that. Get that. So it's. It's one of these things. Like, I was talking to a dear friend of mine today that was going through a situation, and she's in a business partnership with. With someone that her body is. And her whole energy is.

Responding to, and she doesn't understand why. And I'm like, well, this person is a narcissist. And she's like, oh, my God. She goes, that's exactly how I felt like when I was at, you know, married before with a narcissist. Like, my body and everything about my energy feels the same way. And she goes, how did I not see this coming? Right? I know a lot of you are asking yourself how I know this. Why is it not I know better? Why am I not doing better? And I'm the same way with certain areas of my life. I get it. Because unless you are, I told her, I said, you left that relationship years ago with the narcissist, and then you started to do the work and understanding why that happened. But you haven't been able to practice that understanding until you are in another relationship. And it doesn't have to be a romantic partnership or anything. It could be a business partner, could be a friend, it could be whatever I said. Now you're actually taking all that information and theory and understanding, and now you're having to work the muscle. And the first time you work a muscle you haven't ever used, it's going to hurt like a motherfucker. And that's what's happening with a lot of you guys is like, you understand how to use the muscle, but you haven't actually done it. And then you try to and it hurts, and then you back out. And that's where the relapses happen. That's where old patterns show up. That's where all the things happen. And I'm going to be really transparent with you. You've heard me talk about this on previous episodes. If you've listened to me at any length of time. There's an episode about emotional muscles and emotional fitness, and it was fantast. And you know, in theory, I have understand the four core areas of my life, right? And all of our lives, our health, our relationships, our business or professional life, our romantic partnerships, those are like the main areas. And parenting, like, right? Family life. And I would say in all but one of those areas, not only did I have understanding of it, but I've been working the muscle for a good solid eight years, like, without fail. So the areas of friendships and parenting and health and business. I work my emotional and spiritual muscles every day. And so when conflict arises or something hard comes in those areas, no big deal. Yes, it hurts a little bit. Not always super comfortable, like when you've had a really rough workout, like, you cuss your way through it. But on the other side, like, that felt fucking good. That is how I feel in those areas of my life.

In the area of my romantic heart, I have studied for the last eight years all my patterns, how I've shown up, all the things that I did, blah, blah, blah. Like, I could list all the things, but have I actually been able to use the muscle? No. I was studying Carrie Underwood legs, but not actually doing the work. I was studying the patterns and all the things about my own heart when it comes to that. But I hadn't been in the romantic gym flexing it and using it. And the last few months, I have explored that and gone all in. And for the most part, I'm doing pretty well. However, I will say.

I have noticed certain when I feel like I'm having a vulnerability hangover, like I've shared too much or I've opened up too much or that got really scary, really, like, let this person know how I feel and, oh, my God, the vulnerability hangover is a real deal.

And, you know, thankfully, the good part about, like, texting and things like that is like, you can, like, go back and read your shit. And it was a couple weeks ago where I literally laid my heart out there. I was like, oh, my God, this is so fucking scary. But I'm going to do it because I am not going to be the way that I always was. Right. I know where I go when I get guarded. And so the last thing I want to be is guarded, especially with somebody I care about. Right.

You know, if I expect somebody to be that for me, then I have to be that first. Right? That's just how it works. And I realized in kind of reevaluating myself, and it never felt. It felt icky after I did it. But that's what I knew, that protective part of me that like, oh, vulnerability hangover. This is really scary. Let's throw a wall up. And even in how I dialogue sometimes, there were two kind of instances in the last few weeks that I felt like I was doing it, but when it was happening, I didn't recognize that I was. And sometimes it takes removing myself from it and looking at it with clear eyes. A few weeks after the hangover, so to speak, has worn off the vulnerability, hangovers worn off and see it for what it was and for how I showed.

And what I was making it. And it was very eye opening that I'm going to have to be in the so to speak, gym of this life, this romantic part of my life, and continue to flex the muscles and let there be a recovery time like there has been. But until you are actually using the muscles, all that information, all that personal growth, all that stuff is not going to serve you as well as it will as if you just get in there and do the work. And that's what I'm doing. So hopefully this part of my life will catch up to the other muscles in my life. But in the meantime, I'm always willing to look at it. I'm always looking at myself and how I can grow better, stronger.

And be more open. And thankfully, because I have this awareness and especially as an enneagram 8, I mean, my God, when I think about being vulnerable as an enneagram 8, like, if you know the enneagram at all and if you've listened to me at all, you know that the eights, like our biggest fear is being vulnerable or feeling like we ever need somebody. So when it comes to, like sharing my heart like that is, you might as well just shoot me in the face, because that's how it feels, right? And then when I actually do that and I'm in the healthy part of my eight, and I do that and then it's like, oh, fucking scary. And we shut it down. It's like my unhealthy 8, which goes to a 5. The unhealthy parts of the 5 shows up. The investigator, the, oh, my God, all the things. But having this awareness of it allows me to not sabotage something really great. It allows me to have compassion not just for myself, but also to have more understanding compassion for the other person involved who's really trying and being what I'm asking and saying, like, this is what I need and them doing it. It's been very eye opening to see yourself do that. So I'm going to encourage you guys to start flexing those muscles. And when it scares you, like, lean in, lean into it. Yeah, it's scary. Yeah. I could still get my heart broken. Totally. Okay. I will be okay. Right? Don't want that. None of us want that. But in order to have the contrast and the juicy part of life, we have to be willing to feel the full range of all of it. And so that's what I'm doing. And so I'm going to give you. I've been giving this advice a lot lately because a lot of times people want to know.

Kind of what they can do to bring stuff up or how to start feeling stuff, especially if you have decades like I did of not feeling or suppressing so much stuff. And so every morning this is really, really good. And you may want to pause this and get a piece of paper. You may want to, you know, remember where this is in the show. And if this is hitting you, I want you to screenshot it and tell me what's landing for you and share it on Instagram. Tracey Underscore o' Malley I would love to hear we are getting from this, but the two things every morning I wake up, I wake up and, and this is my like morning meditation intention of the day. And I do this every day and if I don't feel it and I feel like shit and I'm just cranky and irritable and on guard all the time. But these are the two things every day that I do, especially the last eight months or so. Number one, and whatever you pray to some kind of higher power, I don't care what you call it, God, Jesus, Buddha, whatever, God to me, God to you can be good, orderly direction. Like I said, you got to believe in something though. You really do. And if you don't, I'm probably not the girl for you. Just believe in something out there, the divine, the universe. God, Jesus, Buddha, whatever.

I say, God, please allow whatever memories, feelings, thoughts and emotions to come up.

That I need to address or heal or navigate or deal with that will allow me to step into the greatest good and the calling in which you have on my life. And that means there's no conditions to that. That means could be some. I mean, I need to remember what joy feels like too. I need to remember hard things. I need to remember painful things sometimes I need to have awarenesses about myself. But I intend every day to have stuff come up. And it isn't always convenient, fun or without pain, but it is in that willingness that change can happen. And I want you to know this is so important and I've tried this eight years now and it works every time. I want you to know that whatever should come up, you don't have to be afraid of. It means that you are capable and equipped and ready to deal with it. I promise you. I promise you. I promise you. And if you need a good coach, that's what I'm here for. Reach out to me. Reach out to me. This is what I do.

And so sometimes really hard stuff comes up and sometimes really good stuff comes up and sometimes really, like scary stuff comes up, especially with matters of my heart, because I'm in that muscle building process right now. A lot of old stuff is coming up that I didn't even realize that I needed to deal with. But I wouldn't have been ready back then, right? The other thing that I.

Meditate call into my life, and this has been one that a lot of you are reaching out about because you're seeing me change physically. And I don't just mean my body. I mean, my whole energy is appearing different. And this is the other part of it. The other thing I call in is God. That's for me. God, I ask for your guidance and direction. Divinely lead me to move my body and the energy that is trapped in my body out. You divinely lead me to move my body however you see fit for me to move this energy that no longer serves me the greatest good and the calling in which you have on my life out. And so for those of you that follow me on social media, you are seeing me do all sorts of crazy shit every day. And for some of you might trigger you like some kind of, like, freak. And I want you to know none of it, none of it has anything to do with a goal that I have for the outside of my body. It is all an internal job. It is that intention that I call in God, divinely lead me to move this body and this energy out that needs to go, that doesn't serve the greatest good and the calling you have on my life. And so sometimes I'm on the water. I've been in the water a lot lately because water for me is very healing. Sometimes it's on mountaintops, sometimes it's running the canal, sometimes it's running the beach, sometimes it's, you know, just swinging a golf club, sometimes it's punching shit, sometimes, you know. But it's all for the intent to move the energy that no longer serves my greatest good out of my body. So I wanted to come and talk to you guys today about that because I think so many of you understand what is happening, but you haven't used your muscles. And the only way that you are really going to build that muscle is to use it. And if this episode is landing on you and you need more, if you want more of this kind of stuff, I mean, this is what I do day in and day, not just with myself. You know, I walk my talk and all the things I would love to hear what you want to hear more of. I've got so much I want to share with you guys, enneagram and otherwise. And I want you to know that this all, all this stuff really affects my bottom line in business. It affects the bottom line in my parenting, it affects the bottom line in my health. I've never been healthier in my fucking life at the age of 48 and it feels great and it affects how I rece.

Out into the world. And I know that, you know, the last few months have put a lot of things in perspective about what is important. And I don't want you to live one more day not honoring the gift you've been given of this life. Your body, your heart, your soul. Because it's in standing in the front line of our lives that we become bulletproof. Until next time.

Thank you for tuning.

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