66: Leading, Learning. Laughing, and Loving with an Enneagram Type Four

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hey. Hey. Well, today we are going to tackle Talking about type 4, which is the individualist, otherwise known as the romantic. They are the least typed on the Enneagram, usually because they are.

Marching to the beat of their own drum.

They fall in the heart center of intelligence, which means they operate from feelings. And of the three types in the heart triad.

They definitely.

Seem the most emotional. Right? We've got the twos, which are all about emotions of other people. So they are externalizing their feelings to help others. The threes, if you listen to the last episode, they shut it down and the fours internalize all these feelings. They take it on so they can kind of ride the roller coaster of emotions and they won't always show it. Like the stereotypical four. Seems very dramatic, but there is the self preservation four that can appear very stoic, where you won't see the emotions, but the inside of them is kind of riding that roller coaster. So that individualist or romantic type 4 believe that you can regain the lost ideal love or perfect state by finding a situation that is unique, special and fulfilling. So they're always kind of seeking authenticity. They are always kind of thinking that the grass is greener. Maybe there's something else. The. The fours can be very idealistic. They. They feel deeper than any other type on the Enneagram. They are the most intuitive, quite honestly. They are very empathetic and super authentic. But like I said, they can also be dramatic, moody, withdrawn and self absorbed. Right? Their focus of attention is like what's missing. So that their passion, you know, like the passion that kind of drives them is this envy. They think there's something missing from them sometimes. So the life lesson of the individualist or the 4, the goal is to reclaim their wholeness in the present moment by Appreciating what is here right now, the fours can kind of take on the squirrel. Like, to keep A4 really focused on what's right in front of them right here, right now, can be a challenge sometimes because they can kind of go off on a tangent in their own head.

Because they are so intuitive.

When you have a four that can really tap in to what's happening in their body, if they can listen to their body and doesn't mean to shut it down or push it aside, but when they can experience what's happening in their bodies, because that's where a lot of our first direction with our intuition comes from, rather than overindulging in the story of what's happening and what's going on in their head. When a 4 can accept. If you're a 4, and you can accept yourself as you are without needing to be something special or unique, because you already are, you guys are the most unique, special, intuitive. You hold space like no other type. On the Enneagram. Next to the eights, the fours are the most misunderstood because they can appear very self absorbed, moody, dramatic. Sometimes a lot of people can assume that they don't care. And actually they care so deeply. The speaking style of a four, if you love, lead or are a four.

They are very expressive of feelings. Not all of them, but most of them. When they do choose to like the more withdrawn fours that I know, they may not always be super expressive of feelings, but when they choose to, holy crap. It's unmatched. It's unmatched to any other type that I've ever seen. And it's authentic and genuine. So I want you to know that when A4 speaks.

Speaks and speaks from their heart, know that you are getting the authentic version of them in the moment. In the moment. And because they. They are so artistic and they can change. And where a lot of times the four gets held back is a lot of their life, they've been told they were too much or people couldn't handle all their emotions. So they've learned to kind of like, take on these different Personas. That's why sometimes their style can be expressive. A lot of them can be very creative, artistic, musical comedians.

You know, so they are very expressive of their feelings, personal.

Like I said, they have a flair for originality. They have a fine palette. They like the finer things. They love to travel, they love food.

And like the experience of food. Not just food, but like the experience. They just love experiences.

Like where they have kind of been shut down is when they were Told maybe they were a little overly expressive, a little too much, a little adhd, a little talkative.

Or emotionally intense. So it's why Fours can appear kind of lonersome like too, because they pretty much assume that most people couldn't handle their emotional intensity. And so that's where a lot of these Personas can come on, right? The four is really long for what's missing. For what's missing. They don't, like ordinary.

Fours, probably more than any other type, have.

The most abandonment issues.

So they. That translates into a belief that they'll never be fulfilled. They pretty much assume, especially if they're unhealthy, that people are gonna bail on them. So they kind of set it up that way. They'll pre frame situations to assume that that's gonna happen. And so a lot of times they won't allow themselves to feel joy or get excited about things because they assume it's gonna be left or they're going to be abandoned or things like that. They play comparison games a lot when. My goodness, fours, when they embrace who they are and kind of take the blinders off and really just look at themselves, at who they are. They are the most dynamic on the Enneagram. They really, really are. Because they're the most authentic at their core. They really, really are. And the most intuitive at their core. And because they value meaningful experiences. And I'm telling you right now, in the times we are living in right now, the world as a whole, I think, is craving that more authentic. And we will never take meaningful experiences for granted again. And when A four is in the healthier range, they can show what this looks like better than anyone. The other kind of trap that A4 can get into is they can linger long in their own suffering because part of them believes that that sets them apart from others, right?

And so they can be addicted to the drama and the suffering a little bit. And so if you love or lead a four to really remind them that they don't have to be that appreciating their emotional sensitivity, they can be a lot. I gotta say, my sister, I grew up with a 4 and probably one of the unhealthier versions of a 4. And she was a lot. And because I was so unhealthy, like, I had almost zero tolerance for it. Ironically, Eights and Fours, like I said, they're the most misunderstood types on the Enneagram and the most intense and emotional on the Enneagram. So when they're healthy, they actually work together and understand each other so well. They're very different, but they can understand each other very, very well. So if you Love or Lead A4, appreciate their emotional sensitivity, creativity, creativity and idealism. Like, the more that you encourage that, and not for the dramatics of it, but, like, really honoring their authenticity and their different view. They look at things very differently than most, and it's beautiful. Will you have to kind of go along for the ups and downs of it? Absolutely. But when they feel like you are going to stay in it and you're not going anywhere, whether you're leading or loving them, that means everything to them. When you're relating to fours, revealing your own feelings and reactions, and they have a hard time with people that are just very rational.

And I know that sounds hilarious, kind of, but they want to know, just like eights do, they want to know that somebody can handle the emotional intensity that they bring to the table. Where like an 8 has that intensity that's more aggressive. The 4 has an intensity of emotions that can be withdrawn. Right. When a four is upset. Please don't take everything that they say too literally, since they may be expressing just a momentary, momentary feeling they don't like. They. They ride this roller coaster. And whatever they're feeling in the moment is. Is just that, a moment. In five minutes, they could be feeling something else. And so, like, holding them for their every single word will destroy the respect you'll have from them. If you love one of them, it will divide you for sure.

Keeping them in the present is going to be really important with respect, without, you know, being condescending or undermining them or making them feel small. So keeping them to the present and being positive while also acknowledging their experience.

Of what they believe is missing is going to be really, really important. And I think the Type 4 more than anybody, when they are seen, heard, and understood.

That goes so far. It goes so far because most of their life, they felt like an outcast or a black sheep or very, very much a loner. Nobody understood them.

And you can seek to understand and empathize with them. You don't have to agree with them. They don't really care if you agree or not. Where I think sometimes because they can be so emotional and at times over the top where people will just agree with them. I want you to know a four can see right through that bullshit. They would rather you just try to understand them than agree with them. Right. So A four, when they're under stress, they take on the unhealthy parts of the two. So still in the heart triad, but that resentment, that bitterness, that defensiveness, that's where that acting out and being really dramatic can come in a four, when they're in a growing pattern, this is where, when they can harness their authenticity and creativity into that healthy part, which is the one that, that improver, reformer, perfectionist, when they take on those healthy traits of that one, when they're in a growth pattern, not only do they have the authenticity and the creativity, but they also are very.

Quality control. They're very much high standards. So a four that is growing, has high standards, gets things done, and also has a level of creativity, authenticity, uniqueness that. My goodness. That's why artists and musicians and comedians, that's why when they're healthy, they bring so much to the world. But the goal is to have them surrounded by people that appreciate that part of them, right? So if you are a four or you're leading a four, their leadership style, you know, they are the kings and queens of authentic self expression. They're amazing storytellers. Their goal and everything is to be as authentic as possible. It's why sometimes they can take on this acting role because they just want to find this authenticity.

They can wear different hats, but the four's programming says that the way to have value in the world is to be recognized and affirmed as a unique and special individual. So if you're leading a four.

As exhausting as it can be, sometimes really allow them to continue to tap into that. It's so, so important because they have gifts that none of the rest of the types have.

They see the work that they do through the lens of their internal experience. So their work is based on their connection to their emotional and inner experience of things that they do and the people they interact with. So everything is an emotional experience for them. Even though they may not appear that way, everything they do is driven by emotions. Like I said, they want to be seen and understood as who they feel they uniquely are. So words of affirmation is a big deal for them. And they want to be appreciated by others as who we understand them to be. Like I said, understanding them is more important to them, to agreeing with them. So like, if, if you're leading a four and they have an idea, they really don't care if you take their idea. Whereas a 3, you take the like, if you ask them for advice, you better freaking take it With a four, they don't care if you take their advice, they really don't. But they want to be heard and appreciated for it and understood for it and not minimized for it so know if you're lead A4, that that is something that's a big deal. So if you aren't sure if you're leading a 4 because a 4 can take on that 3 wing where the 4 can step into that almost looking like an achiever. One of the ways that you can tell the difference between a four and a three is that advice thing. Like the three doesn't care so much.

If you think they're authentic. They just want you to find them as respectful and successful. So taking their advice will give them that data that that's true. With a four, it's the opposite. Appreciate them for their ideas and that's really all they care about and that you understand them and you aren't condescending with it. Fours seek to connect with others in meaningful ways and they don't like superficial shit. So if you're leading a four, if you're just fluffy, you're going to lose your four, no question.

The fours are sensitive to the experience.

So if they don't feel a connection, this is where that add kind of appearance can, can show up. They'll check out on you.

Fours also.

Usually where a lot of this comes from is a 4 has usually experience some sort of loss of connection early in their life that shapes their style of coping with the world. So either they have like a memory of being loved by or enjoying something meaningful with either a parent, caregiver, friend, and then something happened to change that. Right? And so that's where that abandonment can, can happen, whether you know, as a younger sibling came along or life event happened.

But when that 4 child felt this loss of love or that painful shift, that's where this kind of kicks in. Because they're motivated to try and regain what is lost. That's why they're always like seeking that the next thing because they're always trying to regain what was lost. Fours can strive to prove themselves worthy or communicate their suffering to assert their specialness. Right.

The focus on feeling and emotions makes the four's coping style less suited to the conversation of normal workspace. It's why fours can do really, really well in entrepreneurship, especially if they're surrounded by people that appreciate their uniqueness and maybe somebody that has some of the other skill sets that keep them on task.

Because the four leadership style is less compatible with a typical corporate setting.

Usually that's why they end up in artistic roles or entrepreneurship for sure.

In a work environment, fours tend to focus on human interaction and the creative aspects of a job. So they usually have an opinion about how something works aesthetically and how to improve it. They're really good at offering insight on how people are getting along and what's happening, usually emotionally at the deeper level. So they're really good at client relations and things like that, interaction with colleagues, things like that.

But everything about them is about the human connection when you're leading them. Like I said, great storytellers too. So if A2 can tap into that creative writing, good bloggers, copywriters that really can touch, because they're not afraid of emotion. And we all know that emotion is what drives people to buy. It drives people to take action. And if a 4 can really hone in on that, they're unmatched. Like I said, the four is called the individualist or the romantic. They're motivated by the need to find their true heart. So when you're loving a four.

This is really, really important. Fours tend to feel that they are different from others. So a lot of times they'll sabotage love, they'll sabotage good.

Sometimes they love being different, and sometimes they hate being different. And sometimes they'll act out to prove that they're different. Right? They long to be deeply seen and loved for who they are, yet they are on a lifelong quest to become more of whom they believe themselves to be. So if you love a four, know when you're going into this, it is going to be an ever evolving process. Like today, king of the world, tomorrow, feel like they're in a pit, right? So just know that they're always going to be evolving, which, I mean, if you listen to Tony Robbins, if you're not growing, you're dying. Fours are great at this. They're not afraid to evolve and change and pivot. They're not afraid of it. Almost to a fault. Fours are idealists who long for a world that is not reality. They mourn the shortcomings that they see. Like I said, fours are in the heart center. So they feel all their feelings very, very deeply, even if they don't show it.

They often miss the beauty that exists right in front of them, though, because they're so fixated on what's miss.

When a 4 is on the healthier range. And they can appreciate, especially if they have somebody that appreciates that part of them. That's where a lot of magic can happen. Because fours love deep emotional connection in relationships, business, and in their heart space. Like I said, they want to be seen and love for who they are. They spend a great deal of time considering their life, their dreams and their Identity more than any other type on the Enneagram. Their intuitive nature, when they trust it, is unmatched. They really do see everything that can happen. Where they go sideways is when they get it all in their head and think that there's something missing from them. Right? But they, like, in relationship with fours, they appreciate depth and intimacy and express their positive and negative emotions. And they fours are searching for their true soulmate. They really, really do want that. You know, the types that don't get well, get along well with fours are the very tactical surface, like, get her done kind of thing. Because the fours want to go deep and they want to know that they're with somebody that can. That can handle that.

Fours can get emotionally attached quickly.

But what happens sometimes is when you. You're with a four.

And they forget, like a four can sometimes forget that not everybody's emotional readiness matches theirs. That's why fours and eights can work well together if they're healthy.

Because they can handle it, right? It can cause frustration for them at times because.

You know, a 4 really is invested in the human connection. And if they're in relationship with maybe another type that isn't on board with that, it can get really frustrating for them.

Where the unhealthy fours can get into trouble is getting lost in daydreams and believing that everyone else has something that they don't. Sometimes they can blame and deflect onto their. Their partner for their unhappiness. Like I said, When a 4 is under stress, they take on that unhealthy 2, which is where that defensiveness, resentful can come in.

The thing with the four is a lot of times their four or their anger is directed inward and on themselves. But as we all know that whatever we're doing to ourselves really does spill out onto other people, right? When a four is kind of doing better and they're average.

They still absolutely feel strongly about their relationships. They're committed to fully feeling and expressing their emotions. So this is something about the fours, though. And this is where fours and eights are alike, but different fours need to withdraw sometimes to have more space to process their processors because they feel so deeply, they need to process where an 8, they want to be aggressively attacking it, right? Because we aren't eights aren't naturally feelers. This is where they can look alike, but then all of a sudden, very, very different. So if you're with a four, love a four, you are a four. Give yourself some grace. If you need to withdraw and process, it's okay. The good news is, the healthier you get, the less time you're going to need for the processing. So if you love A four, not being so aggressive sometimes, and I've had to learn this in dealing with fours, that the less aggressive I get, the less time they need to process.

Because fours so long for a sense of being known and mirrored by their partner, if they don't feel like their partner understands how they feel, this is where they can feel alone, unloved. But the healthiest of fours are in tune with who they are or who they believe they are, at least for today. And they allow themselves to be vulnerable in their successes and shortcomings. And they don't take it so deeply personal. Like they don't beat themselves up because I told you in the other episodes on the two and the three, because they fall in the heart triad. Their driving force is significance, where a 2 significance comes from helping others. The 3 significance comes from performing and achieving. The 4's significance comes from being who they are and loved for it. And when they don't feel that because they internalize it so much, they go into that shame cycle. And you've heard me say a million times now, if you've listened for any length of time, that shame is the silent killer. So when A four is healthy and they're vulnerable in both their success and shortcomings, they bring a sense of true authenticity, beauty and meaning to their relationships. And as somebody that is close with fours, this is a beautiful thing to watch. When they can. I coach a lot of fours as well, and really allowing them to step into that because they're so intuitive and they're the master manifesters to keep them in a positive space. Because, you know, for those of you that believe in manifestation and things like that.

Especially the fours have to be very, very careful because you are so intuitive and manifesting geniuses, if you are in a negative spot, you won't just manifest positive, but you will manifest even the negativity. So you have to be very, very careful. So if you love A four, keeping them positive while also being understanding of their pain is going to be really, really important. Because they're highly intuitive and compassionate and have the ability to sit with others.

This is something that I love about fours is they can hold space like no other type on the Enneagram. If you love a 4 or are a 4, like if you love a 4, they do support your emotions.

And like no other type on the Enneagram, they will help you see and value the necessity of giving space to process the emotions. I have learned more about processing emotions.

By being in relationships with fours like I never have before. Because I am such an aggressor and because that's what eights are. We just want to tackle shit and get to the bottom of it. Being in relationships with fours has allowed me to see the value in the process time, and it makes me feel, which as an 8, I don't want to do. So it's a gift. It's a gift that the fours have. So if you have a four in your life and you love a four, appreciate that about them. Even if it's not a natural thing for you, they're bringing something to your life that you need. And if you are a four.

Really get to that spot where you can articulate what's happening. Say, I'm processing. I need the time to process and explain why it's important.

Fours also have the capacity and ability to cultivate the deepest of emotional intimacy. And because they are so expressive, expressive of themselves, they can love like no other type. It's probably why they're called the romantic, right, Like I said, where communication and conflict can happen. If you're loving or leading a four is they want to be truly heard. So like I said, it's more important that a 4 is heard than fixed when they talk about their feelings. So, you know, if you're one of those that is like, naturally a tactical person or you're a problem solver, or if you're a helper or any of the things when you're in relation, whether it's leading or loving a four, just hear them. Just hear them. They don't want you to fix them. They just want to be able to talk about their stuff. Because when others try to fix what they're going through, the four can feel like their whole experience is diminished and it's being minimized. And that's why they're so misunderstood sometimes. It's why eights are also misunderstood. It's like, we don't want people to fix their shit. We just want you to hold space, right? Their feelings are super real to them. And even if you don't get it, I mean, when I think about my sister growing up, I mean, my God, her feelings were very, very real to her. And, you know, looking back, I as an 8, I was like, seriously, you're a bit much. And, you know, if I had to do it all over again, I would have more compassion and understand that it's very real for a four. And it's important to listen and understand without judgment, critique, or pressure. The fours, even though they're in their heart all the time, they're also in their head so much that sometimes people can assume that there's something wrong if they aren't talking. And I've had to learn this very much, that because they are so emotionally expressive and can go there, when they get quiet, it can get scary, right? It can get a little scary, but know that nothing's wrong. This is just what they need, time to process.

Their deep feelers and thinkers, and that can be tiring. So allowing them that time will also show them that you trust them, and it will help build a really solid relationship.

Sometimes they express their authentic feelings as a way to get through disagreements, and.

This can be really great, and it can be really challenging, especially if you aren't comfortable with that. But.

Sometimes that can mean that they get super emotional, super confrontational, While other times it means withdrawing to think they can return to the problem later.

But fours like to have the air cleared. They don't linger long in it because they're moving on to the next thing. They want to go about their day because they are so in tune with the emotional atmosphere. If they don't clear the path, it's going to hold them back. So they really do. This is great about them. They want to get to the bottom of things. They really, really do. And because they're so honest and present, they want others to be the same way.

Connection means everything to A four. So long conversations and.

Expressions of love, openness, physical closeness is really, really important to a 4.

They need to feel that emotional connection in order to open up to somebody that they're being led by or loved. Like, if they're being loved by somebody. Once they trust that you can handle their emotions, that's when that intimacy can happen.

It's everything to them. Like I said, they feel both positive and negative emotions strongly, like an electrical current.

So whether you're loving or leading a four.

Knowing that that's part of the program with them. And when they feel like, like you're comfortable with them sharing, the less that's going to happen, the volatility of it can happen.

Like I said, they build emotional intimacy by sharing vulnerably first to kind of see if you can handle it. If that attempt at connection is dismissed or unreciprocated, they check out. Or they can actually feel hurt and isolated.

Along with the eights. This is where fours and eights are so much alike. They need to feel safe and that you can handle them because fours and eights their whole life have been told they're a bit much.

So if you love or lead a four.

Give them a safe place to be themselves because you will bring out the best in them. Whether you love them or lead them. When they feel like you appreciate the wide range of their emotions, I mean, think of Mariah Carey and her vocal range. That is the emotional range of A4. And it's unmatched, right?

When they have a safe, open and vulnerable relationship that actually means more to them than any kind of other intimacy.

Even though, you know, physical intimacy is important to them, if that emotional intimacy is there, it makes everything else better.

You know, Laughing with a four, they are dramatic, they are fun, they keep it exciting. If you like roller coasters in general, you're going to love being around a four because they keep it exciting. But if you are somebody that longs for deep connection with yourself and others, a four is who you want. Around the four has a depth that brings beauty and meaning to the world.

You know, when we think about, like, somebody like Robin Williams or some other comedians or artists, you know, there is that dark side to them. And when they aren't as appreciated for that, even though, like on the outside they're appreciated, you think about Robin Williams. I mean, he was so beloved, but clearly there was this. This part of him that didn't feel like he was ever understood for who he was. You can see where that dark side can happen. So if you're leading or loving A four.

Really see them and don't try to fix them or tell them what to be. Just love them for who they are. If you love a 4 or lead a 4, let them know that you're not going anywhere. That's going to be really, really important to them. And mean it. Don't fucking say it if you don't mean it, because they will sniff you out and they will know that.

If you are a four, because you're so driven by emotional connection, you also have to be aware that even if you have somebody that truly, truly loves you, nobody is ever going to be able to complete you like you complete you. Your partner compliments you, and if you pick the right people to be led to lead you or love you, they will compliment all those very, very great parts about you.

You know, if you love A four, take them seriously. They're witty and fun, but like I said, one of the most misunderstood on the Enneagram. Teasing them for being sensitive, especially when they're being vulnerable and expressing emotions, will be a big no, no. Because their sensitivity is their superpower, their intuitiveness. Like when we minimize the sensitivity of A4, we rob them of trusting their intuition. So love the four. Love your four by showing up for them and being present and letting them know how much you care with intentional listening and empathy. Quality time goes a long way with A four.

They appreciate you sharing with them too.

So when you love a four, know that you're going to be riding a hell of a ride. It's going to be the ride of your life.

But knowing that their sensitivity is their superpower, you also have to be very protective of that for them. Whether you're leading them or loving them.

You will never be bored with A four.

Loving and leading a four will challenge you, probably in more ways than any other type, because of their comfortableness with the full range of emotions. And people are afraid of emotions, but they are the driving force on what this world operates on, whether it's good or not so good. So if you love or lead A four, help to bring out the best in them by honoring that part of them. And it's like I said, it's something else. Something else. They're incredible.

Yeah, like I said, fours are the most under typed. They're the least typed on the Enneagram because they are in their beautiful world. They really, really are. But like I said, I've been coaching a lot more of them because their creativity and authenticity, I think now more than ever, and their respect and love for the human experience because we've all been kind of faced with quarantine and what that looks like, they bring that element to the world that we so desperately need right now. So if you know a four, you lead a four, you love a four, help them bring out that, that beauty, that. That is their superpower and that sensitive and compassion and empathy and intuition. It's unmatched. So, yeah, if you aren't sure where you're at on the Enneagram or you're not sure you know you're leading or loving somebody and you don't know how to maybe communicate or bring out the best in them, whether it's in love or leadership, please reach out to me. This is what I spend my days doing for organizations, for teams, for families, for couples, for individuals. You can find me on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can go to my website, traceeomalley.com at the work with me section. I would love to help you get typed properly and really give you tools how to integrate this into your life, whether it be your health your relationships, your business, your friendships, your parenting, the whole gamut. I use the Enneagram for every aspect of my life. It's one of the most powerful tools I've ever used and I encourage you to if you're listening to this, I know that it's important to you and I hope this episode was really, really great. If you are A four, you're amazing. If you love or lead a four, I hope you use this as a great resource and how to bring up the very, very best in your individualist, your romantic, your amazing type four. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram at traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.