71: Empower Men To Excel, Women To Understand them & Relationships To Thrive with Stefanos Sifanos

Foreign.

Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author.

Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur.

And master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building.

A bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent.

Truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here.

Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof.

Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And today I am very excited about our conversation. Today I am bringing you a man that if you took a look at him, you would not expect what comes out of his mouth to come out. I mean, he's as manly as you get. He's tatted up, he's handsome as all get out and he's got this beautiful Australian accent and he has this soft spoken demeanor, but there's so much power and strength and wisdom in every single word that comes out of his mouth. And in an age that we are in where we've got these women who are crushing life and dominating business and, and all sorts of things, what I have found, and you know, I'm a single lady myself. Like I, I have been single for quite some time and I know that and I'm okay with that. I'm not like wondering what the heck is with all the men out there. I'm not one of those, but I know that I hear that a lot. Like, where are all these men that are doing this internal work, right? And what I also know is this, is that there are many of you men that I've actually talked to out there that really desire to do the work. You see that it helps a lot of people and you're afraid because of your conditioning, because of your upbringing, your ego, whatever that looks like. And first of all, I want to commend your courage. If you're even listening to me right now, that is a huge step in of itself. But as you listen to Steph and I talk, I really just want you to listen with an open heart and a willing heart and just know that what Steph's life has looked like before, who he is today, probably a lot of you can relate to. I know I can, even as a woman. Him and I have very similar energies about ourselves and a lot of the same kind of patterns when we get under stress and triggered and things like that. But if you're a man listening to us right now too, I want you to be really willing and open to listen with your whole heart. And for the ladies out there, I know that every little girl dreams of that knight in shining armor or you know, your woman knight in shining armor. You know, I believe that love comes in all forms. So I want you to listen as well, to know that you have to also be willing to receive a man that has done the work as well. So we're going to touch on all sorts of things. But Steph is one of those that has immersed himself in men's empowerment work and the exploration of intimate and sacred relationships. He has merged the best of eastern and western methodologies and philosophies to promote balance, union and power in life and love. Gosh, can't we all use that? His education is exceeding extensive. He's got the experience, he's got the wisdom, he's got the heart. Actually the core of who he is is a heart to.

Serve. You know, one of his sign offs on pretty much every post and thing he writes is one is glad to be of service. And that is no bullshit with this man. He is led to serve. He, I think it's driven because what he would have probably killed for somebody like him to lead the way for him. Right? And that's why I do what I do, because I would have died for me back then. So I want you to know how blessed you are to have the opportunity to hear him, to hear his heart, to gain some knowledge and wisdom from him. I know it's a blessing for me to call him friend. And we're going to dive into all things about the power of the human spirit and you know, how to really tap into our beautiful gifts and really receive everything that we say we want and desire and how to maybe quit blocking those blessings along the way. So with that, I want you guys all to welcome my friend, Stephanos Sifandos. Is that how you say your last name?

That's a pretty good effort. That's a pretty good effort.

Is it sifandos or how is it?

No, I think you said it right the first time. Sifandos. Or you can say sifundos. You said it right. There's a couple of ways to say that's great. Thank you for the humbling introduction, by the way.

Well, welcome. I'm so glad that you're here.

Yeah, as am I.

So, you know, like I told you before we hit record, a lot of the people that listen to me are men. And I have vowed to only bring people that I think all people can benefit from. And I think that this is an important conversation to have as men are feeling the shift, and it's not like a him versus her kind of thing. I think men are feeling the shift, and they want to be one with women, whether it's in business or in love or anything. Right. And there's this gap that men really want it, but they're afraid to raise their hand and say, can you show me the way? Or drop the ego? Or their old conditioning, even. And I know you have quite the conditioning that you had to kind of overcome to be this leader of men and women at this point that you are. So where, you know, this. This show is called Becoming Bulletproof. And I think you're gonna relate to this a lot with. What I'm about to say is, like, for me, you and I thought bulletproof was probably the same thing. You know, the walls, the anger, the stoicism, the. You know, all the things that kept us safe. Right. That's how we felt bulletproof before. But today, I think you and I both can honestly say that we're bulletproof, but we're standing on the front line knowing we can take all life hits. And I know that you're back home in Australia right now taking some hits as well, and it's revealing new levels of growth that you need to do, but you're still standing on the front line taking the hits. And some of them hurt, and some of them bruise and leave scars, and some of them knock you on your ass, but you get back up, you face it. And that, to me, is what becoming bulletproof is today. And so for you, what was like. What was it like before you said, okay, enough with the walls, Enough with this defense mechanism and all the things that you used to lean into. And we can touch on all of that. Where was your turning point where you said, fuck it, enough's enough?

I think I had multiple turning points in my life. I think I experienced many different turning points. And one of the biggest ones was when it was a number of years ago when I was in an intimate relationship with a woman, and I really. I wasn't being real in that relationship. And what was really happening was that I was losing myself and being extremely dishonest and.

Just not being authentic. I was unfaithful in that relationship. I was lying in that relationship to myself, to her, to other people, to what I thought was my truth. I was really living someone else's truth. And I just. I was so lost, so confused. I was so angry at myself, at life. And I would project. I was blaming others. I was blaming her. My businesses weren't going well, and I was, well, it's the market, it's the. It's the economy at the moment, or I'm not with the right people. It was everything but me. That was the. That was the issue that I was. That I was really facing. Where it came to a turning point for me was when I.

Basically, she. She discovered that I was unfaithful in the relationship and my whole world just really turned upside down. And. And so, you know, my behaviors previously to. That.

She would tolerate, you know, she would tolerate my agitation or my frustration or my projections and. And so forth, but really that there was a. Was a straw on the camel's back moment for her. And what it did for me was it really allowed me to look at my behavior and not normalize it anymore. Because what I was doing as a man was looking at myself and thinking, oh.

My behavior is normal. It's normal to be with other women when you're in a relationship. This is. This is what the norm is. This is what men do. This is what people do. It wasn't just in my mind, it wasn't just what men do, just what people do. What someone else doesn't know doesn't. Doesn't hurt them. And I was completely out of integrity, and I was completely lost in my. In my values. And I was presenting something else and believing that to some extent, but living in shadows was just living in shadows. And this was a habitual pattern that I developed as a. As a protective strategy. And I'll expand onto that into that later. But it was something that was just really. It just wasn't me. And when she. When she discovered that.

It was. It was a turning point because I came face to face with how I was behaving. It's almost like for the first time in my life, the veil had been lifted. I stopped making excuses. I couldn't. I wasn't. There was no more just. There was no more space to justify anymore. There just wasn't. There wasn't any space to pretend anymore. And coming face to face with all of me, not just the parts of me that were convenience, I stopped polarizing myself. And I saw all of me. And the amount of shame and guilt that I felt particularly the shame, though it didn't only catapult me very authentically into the present moment with respect to who I was being. And I wasn't owning my truth and stepping into my truth, but what it did was it also opened up the floodgate for many suppressed experiences and memories that I had conveniently forgotten about and doubt during my. During the course of many years, through my teenage years and.

My early adulthood. And that was what was very confronting for me. And at that moment, I'd done enough work, intrapersonal development work, and I'd been studying psychology for a number of years. And I just knew at that point that, okay, there's stuff here that I've really been missing. You know, it's very convenient that I can teach other people this, but I'm not doing it for myself. And then that brought up whole. Whole heap of other things as well. And so I just decided to go really deep into all of that because the pain, the intensity of what I was experiencing was so incredible and so. So confronting that I didn't really. I didn't have a choice to numb it anymore. I just couldn't. I couldn't undo. See what I had, what I'd seen within myself. I just couldn't. Not without. Not without going to extremes, like literally becoming.

A heroin addict or committing suicide. Literally going. Because that's the. I've been numbing so hard for so long that I'd had to. I would have had to go to massive extremes to continue to be in avoidance.

I think that that's so powerful because I'm sensing this wave of men and women, that they're at that threshold where, like, it's. There's the fork in the road, and it's either, like, what you said, the heroin addict or suicide, or I figure out a way to actually change this in a way that's sustainable. And something that you said was so powerful, and I know that you and I come from the same beliefs as, like, a lot of how we express ourselves today have everything to do with how we were raised and how the conditioning was in our home growing up. And something you said that was so profound is like, I just thought my behavior was normal. And, you know, some of. And that's kind of. That was kind of like the pivotal moment for me too, when I was looking in the faces of my children, like, holy shit, I'm about to repeat history if I don't repair this. Like, if you don't repair this, you repeat it. And you're living proof of that. I Was starting to be living proof of that within my own legacy of my children. So when you say that you believe that your behavior was just normal and this is just the way it was, obviously that probably was either taught, told, or modeled to you somewhere, right?

Yeah, yeah. All the above.

Yeah.

Told, taught, and modeled. Yeah.

Was that like with your dad, mom? Because you said it. It wasn't just men that you thought that was the way it was for.

No, largely my father, but definitely my mother as well. Because the dynamic between them was so volatile, so hostile and so violent, emotionally and physically abusive that it was very difficult for my mother to be a const. Source of inspiration or a constant source of go to safety. For most of the time she was. But there were times when she wasn't either because of. Because of who my father was being within that dynamic, within that relational dynamic, that familial dynamic. So.

It was a volatile, confusing time growing up. And it was also an aberrant, violent time. You know, emotionally abusive, physical abuse as well. And that just became my norm. You know, frustration, agitation, aggressiveness, violence. That was the norm for me. I don't. Even today, I don't. I don't. I look at violence, and I don't really think anything of it. I don't. I just think, it's, okay, we're going for a meal. Like, it's that level of. Because you become conditioned, you know, you become. You become. You become accustomed to a certain way of being, it becomes a norm. There's no. There's no extreme factor associated with it anymore. And so it's not about undoing that, but it's about recognizing and realizing not so much what our human nature is, but what do we want our human potential to be? Because everything that we are is part of our human nature per se. Because whatever we're exposed to, it's part of what we're capable of as human beings. But we still get to choose. We're at a point of consciousness and awareness where we get to choose what type of person we want to be. And so I don't want to. A major revelation for me was I didn't want to be dictated to by habits and patterns that were unconscious or just environmental conditioning. I didn't want. I didn't want to be that person. And so I wanted to be a person that was more active and conscious and aware in the choices that I was making and more connected to that and more empowered. And so that would give it. That was very difficult because you always are doing a lot of unconscious Stuff.

It's so interesting that you say that because this is where you and I are very, very similar. Like, we have control. Like, we want to hold on to control. Yet when we go off into violence and anger, it's like, so out of control. Where like, that cycle of shame then comes into. Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah, very much so. So I've spent many years placing myself in situations that have allowed me to be out of control. And I don't mean me being aggressive. And I'm talking as examples. I'm talking about plant medicines. I'm talking about very, very deep meditations and stillness practices and consciousness work. Deeper, deeper meditative, spiritual work. And where I'm really quite unquote out of control. I'm not. I'm not really in control. And I haven't taken that to extremes where I'm. I don't know, I come BASE jumping or anything like that. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Right.

However, that. That wasn't. I was more. It was more for me, more internal. Don't get me wrong, I love climbing mountains. I love being in the physical extremes as well. I do a little bit of that. However, that my drive is more internal. So it's what takes me out of the controlling mind and into a place where I have to surrender and I have to be present. So I have to practice presence. And the only way to really do that, there's a number of ways, but is to accept and surrender the present moment and allow to just be. And that's been a big, big lesson, a big gift for me as well. Because of where I've come from, my background, I've wanted to control everything, to feel really safe. So how I've generally controlled my environment is to be very proactive and usually is to be dominant. So I've practiced being very dominant in my environment because one, that's what I saw growing up in my family dynamic and also the suburbs and the areas that I grew up in. And, you know, if you wanted to survive, you had to be the toughest. And the second part to that was not only did I grow up in that, it just became the norm for me. And so aggression and overt behavior and dominating, unhealthy ways that were coming from fear was all. I just wanted to protect myself. So I'm going to attack first. And so I push a lot of people away, whether it's emotionally or physically. However, again, the mimicking of my environment, that is the volatility, the confusion was that parts of me still really wanted to be close to people. So there were times when I would be compassionate, empathetic, and endearing and caring and carry qualities that were very attractive to other people. But again, that would confuse them. But it would also confuse me again, because I left my past unchecked. I was just mimicking what was familiar to me, because familiarity, just to give the audience some. Some background as well, which I'm sure you've. You've gone into, of course, a great deal. Familiarity is the. Is the realm of where the ego, self, the self that identifies with the world feels safe because it's familiar, it's comfortable. And so we'll see familiarity irrespective of whether it's healthy or unhealthy to our psyche or to our social relationships. Because the familiarity takes precedence.

Mm. Well, because, like, home is where your heart is. And even if home was like yours and mine, where it was violent and destructive, our heart still wants home. And so we go out to seek what we know, what we are comfortable with, and what's familiar. And you did that. I've done that. And so, you know, I'm raising a son, and he's going to be 22. And I remember the day that I knew I was having a son. I took this immense amount of responsibility to be aware that I'm going to be raising possibly somebody's husband someday, somebody's father. And I. I know that, you know, and I've been a single mom now for 14 years.

And so it's a huge responsibility because I believe that as a mother, we teach our sons what. How they treat women and also what they can expect from women. And I really wanted my son to know, like, not in a. You know, because I'm type A myself, I can go into my. I mean, you and I are very similar. I want the connection and compassion, but it scares me because, like, whoa. Right. Because of my conditioning as well. And even with my own children, believe it or not. So with my son knowing that I am the model of what he can expect for women, that is at the forefront of my mind every day. And a lot of the men that are listening right now, you can love your mom all you want, and, you know, my son's carrying stuff that I've brought along with him, you know, before I really started doing my own work that, you know, we're healing and working through. But for the men listening out there, maybe what's happening in your life has a lot to do with what you were taught, told, modeled by your mom. Right? And so something that you said earlier about your mom, you know, it was volatile and unpredictable and she really couldn't show up most of the time. Right. And so how did that play out? Well, obviously that the last relationship that you said, you know, where you were exposed and where enough was enough, like that was playing out, like you didn't have much respect. Right. Did that come from, like, how the dynamic was with your mom growing up?

Yeah, for sure. I'll elaborate that in a moment. Yeah.

Yeah. So I want to talk about that because, you know, we're in an era where people are willing to do the work and the men out there want to do the work, but they're afraid to. They're afraid to even. To even say that there's something to work on for fear of even hurting their parents. I hear that one a lot. They're afraid to speak truth because they feel guilty that, well, I had a good life. They did the best they could. Yes, they did. And. Right. So when it comes to you doing the work, what kind of stuff around mom and even dad did you have to do? But specifically Mom, Because I think a lot of this is rooted there. I just think personally. But as far as love, relationships and making relationships work.

Firstly, you know, that.

They'Re saying, you know, because I was there as well, they did the best they could. And that's coming from an adult sense of consciousness.

Exactly.

But we're made up of various parts. We're made up of various experiences and memories and conclusions and belief systems and value sets that have been created within us, that we've assimilated to, that we've attached ourselves to, that we've created ourselves during our developmental years. And so as a child, we don't have the capacity to feel and think about, oh, my mum and dad are just doing the best they can. They can. We want our parents to guide us and look after us. It's very intrinsic. We deify our parents. And that sometimes that. That sense of, oh, they did the best they could is coming from a place of, well, I'm just trying to. I'm still deifying my parents and I'm polarizing that who they are, because I'm basically saying, well, they're not really human.

Right.

For me, when you ask that question of what do I have to do? I had to feel. I had to feel the pain of the loss of what I gave away, the power that I gave away, what was taken from me, what I didn't experience as a child that I really needed. I had to feel that deeply. And that was very confronting. I couldn't get to a place of forgiveness or understanding in a sense of real substance without feeling. So I had to go into those experiences. I had to go into that pain. I had to go into those memories and really feel them and dislodge the feelings. Feeling that wasn't expressed at the time because it wasn't unsafe, it wasn't safe to, or it wasn't appropriate to at that time. I had to go in and feel those feelings and really release them associated with the repressed. With the repressed memories and the conditions that I had growing up.

When you're going to do the work and you are confronting this and you're feeling all the things, like, it's one thing to say that you're feeling all of it, and then there's. It's quite a process to actually feel that and navigate life. Like, it's not like we can just say, I'm just going to take six months off and just to feel all my feelings. And then at the end of six months, I'm going to just integrate it back into life and everything's going to be better. So as you're navigating the feeling part, what did that look like for you? Because I know a lot of people out there, like, they know they need to do the work, but they're afraid of the repercussions of.

Actually, we all want to. We all want to just get to forgiveness because we have an idea that forgiveness is liberating and there's freedom attached to that. And it's true. But forgiveness without feeling is false. It's tokenistic, doesn't exist. And so when you say, oh, it'd be nice to take six months off, and I did that. I didn't take six months off. I took years off. I literally, at some level, I disappeared from the world, but remained in the world. And so I've done both. I've done times where I've really retreated for extensive periods of time, for years, essentially. And I gave up my businesses, I went into debt, I lost friendships, I stopped being with peer groups that had done nothing wrong, but I valued deeply. But our values weren't aligned anymore. And I saw that they weren't conducive to the person that I wanted to be moving forward to what I wanted to release and let go of and not be a core dominant aspect of my personality or expression. I did that. I went into, quote, unquote, hiding. I sought masters, I sought guides, psychologists, counselors, shamans, spiritual healers. I was doing anywhere from six to 15 hours of personal development work. A day of meditation and seeing people, of reading, of being in my pain, of sitting on the lounge room floor and fucking crying, screaming and being confused and thinking I'm possessed by demons and all of that, and integrating that back into society, still maintaining some level of social interaction and friendships, because that's also an important part of it. And then there have been times where I've been in more healthier spaces and places within myself where I hadn't had to do that level of deep dive where I'm just going, like now, for example, the last couple of weeks, being back here in Perth, Western Australia, where I grew up largely. I grew up in Greece as well. But growing up here, it's brought back a lot of stuff. And the reason why it's brought back a lot of stuff is because the level of awareness that I have now compared to a year or two or five years ago, is different. So the work that I've done leading up to this has opened me up to be ready for the next layer of revealing that I have an opportunity to work through and work with. And so that feeling it's confronting, you've got to really feel the stuff. All the emotions that are very, very fucking uncomfortable come up. And most of us don't have space and time for that. So there are different ways to do it. We have to methodically go through what I call a cyclical process of exposure. So we'll slowly expose ourselves to the feeling. And you can do, you know, there's ways to bring that on. You can see a professional and they can guide you through that, whether it's through hypnosis, nlp, talk therapy, various other modalities, maybe gestalt style of therapy, childhood regressive work. I did all of that and more.

Or you can do it on your own, where you're journaling, where you're meditating, where you're actively bringing up memories through a process of timeline integration. There's different modalities you can use. They're infinite and endless. That doesn't matter too much. What matters is that you're willing to go there and feel. Now, if you've got commitments and responsibilities, such as children or a marriage or a business or whatever it is that you have commitments and responsibilities to, you'd go through a cyclical process where you bring yourself to a particular space or feeling, then you would nurture yourself through that. You create space for reflection. You would surround yourself with healthy people. You may then give yourself some Love than some nature time. And then you do some movement, breath, work. And there's so many different things that we can do. Right? And you go through a six. I have a six step cyclical process that I'll take people through to help them really express themselves in that way and still function in the world. And part of that is seeking and having professional help and having people that can support you on and in your journey. And so there's ways to do this. There's many different ways. What's that saying? How's that saying? There's many different ways to.

Dress up. I don't know, I can't remember how it goes, but many ways to skin a cat, right? There's many different ways you can skin a cat. And so it's. But fundamentally it's about being willing to feel, which most people are not willing and wanting to do. I was that person for a very long time. And even now, even now I went through a process for a couple of weeks where I was refusing to feel this stuff. And so I was masking it with agitation, frustration and anger. I was essentially just being what I was exposed to as a very young child again. And so we're very good. The psyche is very, very good at protecting us from feeling intense pain or discomfort, especially if it's unfamiliar or especially if it's repressed.

I love that you said that. Like, you know, and I'm. I'm just like you. Like, I've done extensive work and all the things that you said, I've done all that too. And we're still not done. And we're never immune to, you know, a new layer. Right. And I know that a lot of you are listening right now and you heard the extensive stuff he did. He did. And you're like, oh, shit. Like, I, yeah, no, I can't do that. And I'm so grateful that you said there's all different ways to skin a cat. There is. And like, the most important part is the willingness and, you know, the willingness to take an honest and open look at all parts of you, not just the parts that you're shaming yourself. I mean, some people are just so hyper focused on the shadow side. Some people are hyper focused on the ego. Beautiful things too. Like, you have to look at the whole package, but it starts with that willingness. And so you had the willingness, you've done the work, and the next thing you know, you are actually like helping other men. And where did the, the relationship, like, love relationship go after that? So obviously you have the falling out with the woman who caught you cheating and lying and all the things like, where does that go from there? You go from going off the grid for years to do your own inner work, and now you're helping other men and women. And I know you're married now, but there was a long road in between that.

Yeah. Yeah. So immediately where it went from me personally was. Was stillness and solitude. We really went into a lot of. A great deal of solitude. And after that relationship, every relationship I had, whatever it was, was integrity and was authentic. Now, I wasn't perfect and I wasn't great by any means in that relationship. In the following relationship, I was in integrity and I was real. I was very honest and I owned who I was and I was responsible for my actions and my thoughts. And I didn't have immense shame about my past. I had remorse, but I didn't carry that shame anymore. Really lifted. That shifted that. And. And so every one of my relationships following that were just very honest relationships, which was very new thing to me because I get. I witnessed such a dishonesty. My mother hiding from my father, my hiding things from my father because she didn't want to upset him and rock the apple cart. And so I was just exposed to dishonesty. People doing. Even my grandparents hiding things from my mother, my maternal grandparents, because they didn't want her to get upset with how they were raising me. In certain ways, I was just surrounded by dishonesty all the time. And some of it wasn't intentional or malice, malicious, but it was still that habit of, oh, you know, what people don't know won't hurt them. So I had to debunk a lot of beliefs as well. But then really, those relationships moving forward were just far more empowering and I learned a lot quicker. I grew so much faster and in such more of a profound way because of the level of honesty, the commitment and the willingness I had to being honest in relationship. It was a new concept to me and very liberating. And in that freedom I grew. I just grew massively because I had to space to. It was very uncomfortable, don't get me wrong. But I was committed to that no matter what.

It's so cool that you say it because I've experienced the same thing to show up in integrity and honesty. And like you said, like, lying by omission was just the norm for me as well. Because of what they don't know won't hurt them. It keeps the peace. Right. You know, you never know you're going to get if like the truth is told, like all hell could break loose. And so showing up in all kinds of relationships, whether it's business, friendships, love, to show up completely unmasked who I am. It feels like I'm back in preschool and kindergarten and there's a giddiness to it. And also like, holy shit, this is scary and it's beautiful. And I'm sure that you can say the same. Like I had no idea what the hell I was missing for so long because I just only knew one way. And I know that, you know, as I explore what this looks like for me moving forward, like it's scary and exciting and I'm like, oh, I don't know how to do this like this. So it's like learning all over again. And as you integrated into love again, how did that look?

Well, for me, I mean, the best way to express it or define it is freedom. Because I wasn't constrained by limiting beliefs. I wasn't constrained by unconscious patterns. I wasn't constrained by very powerful dominant fears.

I really did feel freedom in my expression. I didn't. I was because I was judging myself less. That's a lot of what I had to undo as well. I had to really undo the heavy judgments on me that I was then projecting onto the world and avoiding within myself. But you know, thinking I wasn't judging myself, but I was right and really that the self hate, the self loathing, the self confidence, judgment, the lack of compassion I had for myself, really working through a lot of that and freeing the core of that, breaking the density of that up, allowed me to then not project on others. So I was less reactive. I wasn't as aggressive, I was more patient. I wasn't agitated and frustrated. I was able to really sit and be in stillness and presence to my partners. I carried more depth within myself. I spoke less and just listened more and really, really was attuned to what was happening and wasn't being so hyper selfish because I wasn't coming from such entrenched places of survival and fear. So I didn't have to focus on what my needs were. Only I was able to honor my needs and set healthy boundaries and know what I wanted and express those values, but also honor the needs of others without feeling threatened. If someone was upset, if someone was angry, if someone was disillusioned or venting or projecting even, I didn't have to take that personally. I didn't have to defend myself and step in and be an overpowering source. I could just be there and be in my Power and not feel threatened. And if I wasn't feeling threatened, then how could I choose to respond to this person and serve them as opposed to just being hyper selfish and coming from fear and thinking, oh, they're attacking me. I've got to. I've got to protect myself. Bang. And get in there. And then that completely disrupts any form of healing or revelation or revealing that can take place for myself or for the other. And that's the beauty of relationships. We're relational beings. We mirror each other, we reflect each other. But if we're both coming from wounding, because unconscious unresolved wounding attracts unconscious unresolved wounding, we just continue to perpetuate that. And so the opportunities that I had was to break these wounding cycles at deeper and deeper levels and deeper layers for myself and for the other person. I wasn't doing that work for them, but they were doing it for themselves. But because I was showing up in healthier ways, they were able to see aspects of themselves that they couldn't see before. And that was, you know, that was the beginning of really conscious sacred union and conscious relationships, more aware relationships.

My heart started to race. And as you were speaking, that last little run right there, my heart started to race and heat's flying off my body because what you just said was so darn powerful. And I like, if you didn't catch all of it, hit the little rewind about 45, 50 seconds and re. Listen to that because it was so damn powerful and profound. And, you know, obviously, until we're done here on earth, the work continues and you've come so far and you're in a beautiful, loving, powerful relationship with a very strong woman.

And yet, you know, like you said, you're back home and where, you know, where a lot of this conditioning came from. And so when you are immersed in something that you're like, oh, here's another layer, you know, we're not perfect. Nobody is. We're not immune to slipping back into old patterns from time to time. When you catch yourself in this, what is something that you do to, like, pivot and course correct out of it so you don't leave a lot of collateral damage?

Yeah, well, I haven't left a lot of collateral damage this time, but I have left damage. I was actually. I actively chose. I was so stubborn in my being. I really. I almost regressed. I did regress, I feel. And it was hard for Christine and it was very difficult for her because she could see what was going on intuitively and she could feel it. And she Also just through her own just being a master coach, really understanding the space, but it wasn't enough for her to know. And I knew as well. That was the difficult part. I knew, quote, unquote knew, and I felt what was happening, but I was just very resistant to shifting that. And so I was unpleasant to be around. I was agitated, I was frustrated, I was angry. I was very impatient at a very short fuse until I really voiced it. And so what I was doing, it just took me longer than I would have liked to, was I was creating space for myself. I was being in nature, I was reflecting, I was doing some journaling. I was. But I just. But I wasn't budging it. And so for me, you know, I had all the knowledge and even the wisdom, but I wasn't. I didn't have the wisdom. I wasn't acting on it. So the wisdom was accessible to me, but I was choosing not to act on it. So the next part of that was having that very vulnerable, honest conversation and taking ownership out loud of, okay, I see it. I've been angry, I've been aggressive, I've been frustrated. I haven't been patient, I've been projecting. I haven't been present. Can you forgive me? And beyond that, I'm really forgiving myself and I'm seeing everything that I'm doing, and I know where it's coming from. And I just have to go through this process now. That was everything for my partner at that time. That's all she needed. That's all she wanted. If I'd done that two weeks earlier, it would have been very different. I just. I had to feel for me, in this instance, I had to feel the density. Now I'm not excusing my behavior, and by no means am I. It's just for me, I had to feel that density to then be able to get to a point where I could really be honest and vulnerable with it. And that doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes I can be immediately, like literally within minutes, vulnerable and honest with something and take ownership. And other times it takes me some time. And why I feel it's taken some time here, being back with familiarity with friends and so forth. And I'm very connected to my friends. That's. I'm very blessed with that. But the environment is. Because I'm in a process of really letting go a lot, letting the past go. It's a little loud where I am today, so my apologies for the sound in the background. So I didn't want that to be overbearing. So, you know, where. Where I am today and being here in this environment, I'm at a place where I'm really letting a lot of my old life go. And that's hard because there's a lot of things I do love about this place and my friendships and my social bonds and connections. Years, I'm talking 20 plus years of deep, connected, loyal friendships. And I'm not that I'm letting that go, but I'm really creating a very new life for myself. And so there's resistance, internal tug of war. And that's why it's been very difficult for me because I'm really embracing my new life and also knowing that there is some change. It's essentially change. I'm just resisting change.

For sure.

Yeah.

And you're blessed with like, I mean, you have a partner who has done extensive work and she helps people with this work. Most women that are listening aren't at the caliber of a Christine, or even me, you know, that I'm hoping I would be like her in these situations as well. And I know there are women out there that are dealing with a man that is maybe exhibiting what you just described, the, you know, lack of patience, the, you know, shutting down all the things. And a lot of times women as you know, will cling on to that or they'll get angry and defensive. So what would. When a woman is recognizing that this is possibly happening with her man or partner, or any partner, whether it's man or woman, what would, what advice would you give to like to hold space without making this into something bigger?

Yeah, what Christine does for me really well.

Yeah.

Is hold the situation with compassion and non judgment. And I really feel that when any man or any human being is met with compassion, non judgment, it diffuses the situation where we don't. We don't have to come from.

Fear, our fears. We don't have to feel safe, we don't have to act. That pushes people away in order to feel safe. And so because my constitution has been one of such resilience and stubbornness and protectiveness, it can sometimes take a little bit longer to penetrate those barriers, you know, those walls that armor the Christine does a really good job of that in terms of really holding that. But in order. Let me back that up a second. In order to really hold with compassion on judgment. I said this earlier in a different way. You've got to do your own work. You've got to do your own inner work to be able to hold someone else and not be triggered by their Stuff, right? Because if you haven't done that inner work yourself where you feel really sovereign and connected and confident in your own being, you won't be able to hold that for others. You take it personally, you'll feel attacked and then you'll slipstream into your wounding and you'll want to defend yourself. Whether that's retracting and running away, whether that's being overtly aggressive and maybe even being mean. And so for me, part of that, you know, get to take full ownership is the last couple weeks in my reactive states. I've been mean, I've been sharp, I've been, I've been short, I've been rude, and I've been projecting that onto Christine. And even though she knows that it's not me per se, but it is me, it's this internal battle, it still hurts. And so I still have to take accountability for that. I still have to take responsibility. Just because she knows, just because she's aware, it doesn't mean that I get excused from that. Because if I excuse myself, I'm not learning and growing to the fullest of my capacity. And that's, that's one of the big battles I've had in my life. Is that ego, is that taking ownership? But the more we practice anything, the more adept and the more accustomed, more comfortable we become with that experience, that attitude or that way of being. And so I consistently practice humbling my ego. Not because it's not a vanity thing, it's more of it's undoing that. It's letting my inner child know, letting those parts of me know that are scared so that it's okay, it's safe. You can relax, we can relax, we can soften into this, we can take responsibility for this. The shame that we're experiencing now is not, is not an accumulation of all the shame we've experienced in the past. So it's okay, we're safe, you know, having those conversations. But when I'm met with non judgment and compassion, I can quickly move through my stuff. But what also allows my partner to be compassionate, non judgmental is she knows how willing I am and she sees and experiences my willingness on every level on a very regular basis. And that gives her not hope, but that gives her. Because hope can be dangerous. But that gives her a very real, real feedback into, okay, he's willing, he's here. So I can be willing to. Even if I'm a bit volatile, even if I'm confusing, even if I, if I feel unsafe because I'm not consistent she knows that I'm willing because that is something that is consistent within. She can see the fight for that, at least that I'm being as willing as I can, and I'm attentive to that consciously.

You know, that's so beautiful. And, you know, one of the things I've always said and, you know, in coaching, I hear a lot of one side of the story. Right. Of how things went wrong, and it always takes to. To implode it, and it always takes to. To make it work. And so I love that you said that, you know, she's got to be doing her own work to. And it is. It's true. Both. Both partners have to be willing to grow and evolve. And, you know, you are evolving into a new stage of your life, one that you probably didn't expect to be moving to the States and, like you said, leaving part of your life that you actually really love behind and transitioning in that. And I know there's a lot of people listening that, you know, as we grow into our lives, sometimes we do have to grieve, leaving some people places and things behind, and that's not easy. And a lot of times, you know, that's when sabotage comes in.

Yes. That's where I've been.

Yeah, exactly. And that's human. Right. And so for those listening, you know, I know that you're navigating that, but what is something that you would say to that? You know, to leave the good for great or to move past the good for great? And how to navigate the grieving process, Even though you're going to great, there's still a grieving process.

Sorry, Tracy, I lost you there for a second. I got you. I got you now. My apologies.

Did you hear me, though?

I did, yeah. Yeah. So the grief, for me, the grieving process is.

We avoid grieving.

That's.

That's the issue. I mean, that's something I did for so long. So part of the healing process and the transition from good to great is just taking some opportunities and taking some time to actually feel, to actually, actually grieve, to go through the pain of, okay, what am I losing now? And what am I actually stepping into as well? Because that's very important, too.

So good. It's so good. So I know there's a lot of men and women listening right now, and they might be a little nervous, but they know that they need to start addressing this. And I know that you coach people one on one as well, especially the men out there. I really want you to.

Take that Leap, be willing. Steph is somebody that I would trust with my life, to be honest with you. And I would love for you to reach out for him. Reach out to him. And also, you know, we've spoken lightly about his wife and partner, Christine, who actually was my personal coach for over a year and she is quite the legend herself. They both are. And as a power team, they have put together a three month program for women seeking to call in their man. And that program is called Be the Queen. Is that correct?

Yeah, that's right. That's correct. And I just want to thank you for that.

And I'll expand on that a little bit. I just want to say something to the grading process of the good to great. I think there's something that's really important here is that we also have to embrace the great that we're stepping into because we sometimes focus on what we're losing is very natural for us as human beings. Is very natural for us because our brains are wired that way per se, to really focus on, okay, well, what's the danger or what's unsafe or what are we losing? And so focusing on the greatness that we're stepping into and the choices that we're making around that and the why, what's the why behind that can be very inspiring for you and not so much just soften the blow, but give you perspective. And that's been very helpful and useful for me as well in my transitions and in my journeys too, is having that perspective and really focusing on, wow, what am I stepping into? What have I created for? I've created this through the choices I've made consciously and unconsciously, what I want to choose to continue to create. And that's been a. That's been very. That's been revelatory for me as well. And knowing that I'm not losing anything per se, but I'm just transitioning. It's just change. And where else in your life has change been safe and been a really great thing? Because we've all had it. We just conveniently forget because change can be daunting. But where in your life have you made changes and you just wowed yourself with what that change has done for you? We'll go back to those times and those memories as well and let them inspire you for this change that feels and seems very daunting and overwhelming now as well.

I love that. Love that.

So thank you. Thank you. So with Be the Queen, it's an amazing. It's such a humbling program for me, you know, I was talking to you a little bit about this before, earlier, before we jumped on and before we started recording. And I do a one on one session with every woman that comes into the, into the journey, into the program, the three month journey. And it's been such a humbling, honoring experience to firstly be trusted by these women and then just help them navigate and guide certain, certain parts of their lives where they're at the moment. It's been such an honor to do that and very humbling as well. And it's really deep in my appreciation for what we go through as human beings when we're on our journey and our journey to love and self love particularly as well. And the fact that I can serve in that way is just such a beautiful thing to do that with my beloved as well, and then watch her and observe her teach from a place of deep experience where she was single for nine years and really doing all the things and in that time doing all the deep work on herself as well.

It's just a beautiful place to be from where personally I've come from, especially my relationship to myself, to women, to relationships. I mean, it wasn't that long ago where I would never thought I would have been married and I was not contemplating children because of the experience that I had growing up, you know, and even most recently, definitely not boys. But now my heart's opening more. That is the deeper work that I do. Okay, I can, I can see that there's real possibility in all of that.

Expansion.

That's so beautiful. Gosh, that's so beautiful. And you know, I've worked with Christine, I've known Steph for, gosh, about a year now. And this is such a beautiful way and a beautiful, humbling program. I love that. So please reach out to Steph if you have found so much value in this. I know this is tapping on your heart right now, this conversation, and take a screenshot, share it, let us know that you know, it landed on your heart where you needed to today. It would mean a lot to us. And Steph, I just want to thank you first and foremost for your willingness to do the work on yourself, your willingness to break cycles in your family and in your legacy that you will leave behind, your willingness to constantly own your truth, whatever that should be in the moment and then, you know, in essence, pay it forward and share that with the world. It is making such an impact more than you know. This conversation was very, very important for me to hear as I try to navigate, you know, moving out of single life. I'VE been single for a long, long time. And, you know, a lot of my work with Christine was around what that looks like. And, you know, the walls that I have are very similar to yours. So I personally want to thank you for this conversation. I took a lot away from it. I got choked up a few times listening to you. And I just want to thank you for using some of your greatest pain to cast such a beautiful purpose and passion in the world. And I believe the work that you're doing can really change so much for legacies. Not just a couple, not just a man, but the generations that come after. And just thank you for being here with me today.

Thank you, Tracey. That means a great deal to me. I'm very humbled by your kindness and again, such deep respect and admiration for who you are and how you shop and just the way that you express yourself. And I really resonate with what you're saying around the legacy and the generational stuff. That's really fundamentally, that's what I'm experiencing now, being here back in this one of my homes, being here in Perth, Western Australia, is. I'm experiencing that. That generational change. And I'm making that. That's when. That's why the generational change, as you know, that can be some of the toughest stuff.

It's gut wrenching.

Yeah. And that's. That's why it's been so intense for me, is because it is generational that I'm shifting in order to prepare me for the next phase of my life, which is I do feel in some capacity with parenthood and also deepening my union with. With Christine and just the world, my service. And I think we have to break those entrenched patterns that people like yourself are all too familiar with. And that's the willingness that we need and when we have carry that, I just think it inspires so many, but it really inspires our own journey and we get to transform in that space.

Well, I am grateful and I definitely want people to experience you and your beautiful wisdom and heart of service. So where can they find you?

Yes, very simple. Stefanos. The name isn't so simple, but Stefanos sefandos.com or any of my social media handles Stefanos Sefandos and I will tag.

Him on anything that we talk about. So you could just hit like follow here and go. And, you know, like I said, if this landed on your heart, please let us know. In order to have the life you want, you got to stand on the front line of it. So continue to do that. And Steph, I love you and I'll see you in a couple weeks.

Love you too. See you soon. So excited.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram at traceeomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your.

Life and do the work. Let's Become Bulletproof.