74: Leading, Learning. Laughing, and Loving with an Enneagram Type Eight

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to Millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And we are continuing this series on leading, loving, learning and laughing with each Enneagram type. And I will say this, that the momentum has picked up and so many of you guys are wanting to really dive in and even those of you that are really into the Enneagram and you're not sure how to use this information to move the needle in your life or help others move the needle in their life. I encourage you to reach out to me on my website, traceyomalli.com the work with me section. You can hit me up on Instagram. Traceyomally I understand that although this is very trendy and cutesy and all the things Enneagram is right now, it is so complex and there are way more facets to it than you can even imagine. And when you can leverage this tool.

The ability to be more effective in all areas of your life is something that nobody can take from you. And so I encourage you, if you are wanting to dive in deeper, don't hesitate to reach out to me. This has become my passion and something I am so proud of, quite honestly, because it is way more than a cutesy personality test. This is an amazing tool that can transform your home and your business and your life. So that being said, we are tackling into Type 8, the challenger today. And this is one that I know very well because it is me. And if you have been listening for any length of time, you know that the Challenger is the most intense energy on all the Enneagram.

You know.

I might get emotional in this episode because it's going to be very revealing of me. And you know, the entire journey of an eight is something that's pretty fascinating when you think about the Challenger. Just even the name like Immediately, depending on the type of personality you are, your guard might go up. And when I think about when it hit me, the impact that a challenger can make on every person. Not always the positive ways, but the negative ways as well. It's why I became so passionate about really not just understanding the Enneagram, but teaching others how to understand it and integrate it. Because I knew when I was understanding the challenger that I was in crisis and so was my family. And if I didn't really become aware of the impact that just my own energy has on other people, that I was looking at a future for my family that wasn't what I wanted for them. And, you know, most of my life, I would say as a challenger, that it's like my way or the highway. This is just who I am. Deal with it.

A lot of that challenge or unhealthy patterns that I had were to keep me safe and keep you all at arm's length. And the crazy thing about the challenger, the Enneagram 8 is the very thing that we desire the most, which is connection and intimacy and intensity is the very thing that when we're not healthy, we pretty much put walls up against. So, you know, it's a fascinating thing, the challenger.

Where, like I said, we're the most intense energy. You know, an eight, when you're around them, you know an eight is coming in the room before you even see them.

It's hard to have more than 18 in the vicinity at the same time.

Most of their life. It's. You've heard the phrase ready, aim, fire. We are the opposite. It's fire, aim, and you better be ready for whatever the hell we've got coming.

Because we are very decisive. We're the most instinctual. We're very intuitive, yes, but we're very instinctual and decisive and reactionary. You've heard me talk about the body triad with the one early on that for the eight, the nine, and the one that fall into the gut or body triad, the underlying emotion for us is anger. And with the eight, it is very much outward. You see that in an eight. And that's why so many people are mistyped as eights. Eights are the most mistyped as well. So many people are typed as an 8 that aren't a lot of sixes, a lot of threes, even some ones are often mistyped as eights because that anger is such a obvious behavior. But the motive behind that is so different than any other type of. And then with the nine, believe it or not, the anger is There, but it's so buried down. And with the one, it's the anger is internalized. So the thing with the eight is there is no guessing what we're feeling pretty much all the time except the vulnerable parts. We guard that with our life. Many of us have almost died guarding that vulnerability, that vulnerable place. Because somewhere along the lines as an 8, we believed that vulnerability is weak. And early on, for most eights, not all. One of my very good friends is an eight and she didn't have this experience as a child. But most eights grew up long before they had to. They were put in dangerous situations or situations where they had to become adult like. And so that innocence is lost. And for most eights, they. And I remember the moment that this happened for me. I was about four years old where I could discern as a four year old that people were in two categories. Either you were the one that was weak and walked all over or you were the strong, powerful type. And I was going to make damn sure that I was not that. I mean, I've always had that 8 energy. You guys have heard me talk about it. You know, there's. I believe we're born with certain disposition and then life, you know, that nature, nurture is a real thing. Life comes and how that personality and that disposition and temperament is expressed take on all the different facets, which is why the enneagram is so complex. But it really is this beautiful map of our soul contracts. Right? So with eights, you know, for me as a four, I remember. Or for me as an eight, as a four year old, I remember discerning that I was never going to be in the weak category. And you know, eights are conditioned to think that being vulnerable is a weakness. And actually if you know the enneagram at all, an 8 in a growth pattern takes on the healthy traits of the two, which is the most empathetic, compassionate on the enneagram. And so that's who you see, that's what you see in me today most of the time is that really compassionate, vulnerable part of me. But for most of my life, a good 40 years of it, you would have never seen that because I had decided that that was weak. Ok, so healthy eights, we will start with the healthy eights. And honestly, I am one of the healthiest eights that I know. And so this is great because a decade ago I was probably the unhealthiest eight next to my own dad that I knew. So healthy eights are amazing friends. We're great leaders and we Champion those who cannot fight for themselves. Like even though we can come across bully, like when we are not healthy, we are actually the very people that stand up to the bullies, right? But we can have that bully like demeanor for sure. We are very strategic, intelligent, courageous and we have the stamina to go the distance. Like you say it can't be done or underestimate us. Grab the popcorn because shit's about to get really, really fun. The healthy eights also, and this is so true, we have learned to use the power in the right measure at the right times and we're actually capable of collaborating with others and valuing other people's contributions. Because an 8 early on knew that it was, if it was to be, it was up to them. Like they couldn't, they don't want to rely on anybody. So like that vulnerability isn't just like emotionally, they don't want to be put in a vulnerable situation where they ever have to rely on anyone. Because early on in their life, most of the time this is true for everyone. But most of the time, very early on in their life, the very people that were supposed to protect them, keep them safe, didn't. And so that's where this lone wolf kind of thing comes in. But when they're healthy, they can collaborate and respect contributions from others. They can receive love and.

All of that and connection, which is the very thing that they've been missing their whole life, that they really want, but they're not quite sure how to get it. So a healthy eight really is able to receive that. And if you love lead parent and eight, if they let you in their heart and let you see the vulnerable sides of them, know that that is a very rare thing. And there's probably only five or six people in their life that they will ever show that to and take that responsibility to heart and very seriously. Because if you betray that or don't respect or honor it, it'll be hard to get them back for sure. Healthy eights also. And I, and this is so true, like the very thing that I guarded, you know, my vulnerability most of my life, I have realized that that's actually my greatest strength today as a leader, as a coach, as.

As a parent, as a friend, a partner, any of the things that ability to be vulnerable, especially now that I trust my discernment, that I have the right people in my life to be able to show that that is where, where the eight becomes that world class leader, the needle mover.

That the type of people that change the world, think Mother Teresa the original Mama T. Mother Teresa is an 8. Martin Luther King, an 8.

Average eights tend to be steamrollers. Definitely was that for a lot of my life. Rather than diplomats, super dualistic thinkers. So people are good or bad, right or wrong, the future is really bright or bleak. And this is where eights and fours have a lot in common and where they can look very similar. You know, eights prefer to lead. They have a hard time struggling. They really have a hard time following. And sometimes they'll use. And this is so true. I used to do this all the time. They use aggression and power to emotionally protect themselves. So, like, if you love or lead an 8, eights don't need to be in control, but they will not, under any circumstances, be controlled. Even the healthiest of, like, I won't be controlled. No fucking way. No way. I don't need to be in control. And the healthier I get, the more that I can really surround myself with the right people that I trust to lead me or guide me. But it's very hard for eights to be led. And it takes a very special kind of mentor, leader, coach to navigate an eight. And so if you're a parent of an eight, God help you. It can be challenging, especially if you're not. Or if you are, it can be challenging. My dad was an eight, and so that definitely brought a different dynamic. Like I said, many eights are leaders, and others follow them with little or no hesitation. And this was something that, as an eight, I recognized early on I could have success, I could be a leader. Didn't mean I was always a good one. Because just because you can get people to do what you want doesn't mean it's always for the right reasons. Like, even as a mom, like, my kids were always the most behaved kids. They were the teachers, the coach's dream, all the neighborhood and parents of friends. Always wanted my kids to come over because they were great, because I had conditioned them, and they did it out of fear. Right? So there's something to be said for the intensity of an 8. Same thing in business. I mean, I could get people to do what I want, but it was because they were terrified of the consequences if they didn't. With me, that's not good leadership. Right.

Eights, when they're not so healthy, have very little patience with people who are indecisive and don't pull their weight. And that's where the. Where they can be super judgmental. And that's where we throw you into the weak category. And I Have to really do a gut check with that sometimes. So because I've moved into a healthier range of an 8. And if you are an 8, this is really important to have patience. And it's our job as leaders in our home and in our businesses to help people become more decisive and to trust that inner knowing. And, you know, I recognize that with my two kids, you know, I've got a feeler for two and a thinker with a seven. And because I'm just such a decisive person, I realized that me just being super decisive wasn't teaching them anything. So as a leader in my home as well, like recognizing that a 2 has to feel things out and my 7 has to, like, think things through and can get spun out and having that patience to kind of navigate them. Now, unhealthy eights and I've been here are preoccupied with the idea that they are going to be betrayed. So talk about a wall, a guard up. And, you know, there are still moments that I can very easily slip into that because we're so instinctual. We're the most instinctual people on the Enneagram. We. We are in fight or flight pretty much most of the time. So we. When we're unhealthy, we assume we're going to be betrayed, suspicious, and very, very, very slow to trust others, even healthy. But when an unhealthy 8 is wronged, we go to revenge. And, my God, I've been there. And I'll be really transparent when.

This has been such a beautiful, healing thing for me. I've even shared this with my children, and that was not easy to do. So, you know, 13, 14 years ago, when I was going through my divorce, you know, I felt very betrayed, even though you know it was going to happen no matter what. I felt betrayed, humiliated. I trusted you. Trust me, I had my own part in all this. But I'm just speaking on this part. And because I wanted to punish him, I really did. There were decisions that I made that.

Definitely put my kids in a harder position that wasn't in their best interest because I was so fixated on making him hurt. Not an easy thing to admit. And, you know, because my kids are older now, they're 22 and 23, and explaining that to them, like, oh, you know, there were times that you lived out of a suitcase and that wasn't in your best interest. But I really wanted to punish your dad, and I wanted him to know how hard this was going to be being a single dad. And that's really hard to Admit. But that just kind of tells you how unhealthy I was. And, you know, being able to even say this to all of you, like, I can't even believe I'm telling you all that really allows me to have compassion for myself. And that's why the Enneagram is so beautiful, because it really gives. Gives you a map and let me know kind of how much stress I was under. And to have compassion, does it mean I don't.

I don't love knowing that that was in me, but that tells you that that part of me was so stressed out. And the fact that I have recognized that and have turned that around, it's not like I was just saying at this point that that's just who I am. Fucking deal with it. I mean, there were moments in my life I was like that. But that really lets you know.

Like, this can be used as a beautiful tool to turn things around. And, you know, sharing that actually with my kids, I could have buried myself in shame about that. But telling them that allows my kids actually to have more respect, believe it or not, and trust in me, because that's about as bad as it can get. To admit to your kids that I put my own revenge and I wanted your dad to hurt, and that put you in positions that made your life really uncomfortable and hell at some times. And I think a lot of times as parents and as people, we protect that, because what would they think of me? Right? Actually, that very conversation really made my kids respect and trust me even more. So if you're somebody out there that's keeping. You know, I say this all the time. We're as sick as our secrets, so it's really important. Unhealthy eights believe they can change reality, so they make their own rules. Yeah, we are rule breakers. We don't think rules apply to us sometimes when we're unhealthy. When I was in corporate America, I would test this. I would test authority. And because people were walking on eggshells all around me and afraid of me, the rules didn't apply to me. And it kept me safe, right? But eights in that. In that energy, they destroy as much as they create, believing the world is a place where people and objects are to be used.

And have no lasting value. Because we don't want to hold on to anything when we're unhealthy, because then we have to feel it, right? So the beautiful thing about the eight is when they are healthy, they have the ability and the energy to change the entire freaking world. For the better. And an unhealthy 8. Think of Hitler have the ability to completely destroy the world or the world that they live in. So it's something that's really important to understand about an 8 and to recognize. I mean, they're not easy. They're called the challenger for a reason. If you love or lead an 8, you're in for a beautiful ride. And if they let you into their heart, my God, do you have a gift. And I'm not just saying that because I'm an eight, but the eights that I respect and care about, I know, like, I trust them with my life.

Eights will always have your back, Always. If they trust you and love you. And when they say that, they fucking mean it.

The reason why we're called challengers also is because we're super aggressive, confrontational, high voltage.

You know, we approach life the way a linebacker does to a quarterback. We just sack the shit out of it, right? The deadly sin of an 8 is lust. And I don't mean that in the sexual sense, but we always, as an eight, crave and are striving for intensity. So that can be good intensity. That could be not so good intensity depending on the level of health. But they're high voltage dynamos who want wherever the action and energy are. And if they can't find any, they'll cook it up. And so that's been honestly the hardest part in being a healthy eight is growing without chaos. Because put my back up against the wall, put me in a fire, and that's where I can usually move the needle the farthest. And I was reading a book, one of the Enneagram books, and. And this is the biggest challenge because for an eight, we know it's almost like a slingshot. The further you pull it back, even if it means back in the darkest of holes, the further you pull that slingshot back, the farther forward they go. And so an 8 can kind of tend to operate like that and throw themselves down the frickin hole because they know that they're going to propel even further. And I've done that most of my life. And the last almost decade, it's been really, really a challenge for me to grow without drama and chaos. I'm doing it, but it's hard.

Like I said before, the eights have more energy than any other number on the Enneagram. They're fiery, zestful, earthy, full throttle people.

And yeah, we just go all out. In life, when eights walk into a room, you feel their presence before you see them, they're larger than life. Energy does not fill a space. We own it.

But not all eights speak loudly. I mean, our communication style is very commanding. Obviously, as I have evolved and grown, I can tap into that softer side. And really, especially the people that I'm close to, they, they see that. And it's, it's interesting. When I let newer people see that side of me, they're almost like, wow, I didn't even know that little beautiful gift was there. And that, that soft listening, not so commanding, take charge kind of person. And honestly, that's raising a two son that has taught me that beautiful gift. So not all eights speak loudly or karate chop like the air with their hands to drive home a point I used to. And they're not always physically intimidating, although they can be. Those are stereotypes. But the defining feature of an 8 is the overabundance of intense energy. They radiate wherever they go. Whether they're introverts, extroverts, big or small, male or female, liberal or conservative, Eights ooze confidence, fearlessness, and strength. Even if they are feeling a little insecure, they will ooze that because they're trying to convince themselves they're not weak. And they want you all to know they're not weak. The thing about, like that fiery energy, even when I'm calm, I've had the same bodywork practitioners for a couple years now, and every time they do work on my body, like they start stripping off layers because you can feel the energy coming off of me, which is so important for an 8. If you love them or lead them or parent them.

Eights moving their physical body is necessary because they will implode otherwise, because we have to get that energy out of us, otherwise we're going to break down physically or we're going to explode onto people we care about. And it just doesn't end well.

Spiritually healthy, self aware Eights love to do what others say can't be done. And when our energy is harnessed and channeled, they can change the course of history. Like I said before.

It'S incredible. Anger is a dominant emotion. Like I said before, Independent people, very lone wolf kind of operators. They, they feel always this need to be strong and go up against power. So that can make them look very intimidating. But they're the first to get on the front. I mean, the whole premise of this podcast is becoming bulletproof. Standing on the front line of your life. On the front line, you will see eights taking one for the team. All the time. And one of the things I've had to recognize in my growth because I can still slip into this unhealthy pattern that I've always been on the front line, taking the hits and, you know, blowing shit up and then laying on the ground and letting people walk across me because I've paved the way. And although there's a time and place for that, and that's why, you know, you think about world class leaders that are eights, it's a good thing. But we also have to have that healthy balance to know that we can be led as well and somebody else can have our back.

We almost never believe anyone when they say they have our back. We don't trust it. It's going to take a lot of proof, not just through words, but in actions, for us to ever trust you enough. And honestly, I don't know if there's anybody in the world that I trust to have my back completely, even as healthy as I am, because I'm always watching for actions. And words don't mean shit to an eight. Words don't mean shit to an eight. And you're almost better off not saying anything, especially if you can't back it up. Because if you don't back it up, you actually lose more credibility and trust.

And because anger is so easy for us to Access as an 8, an average 8 can be little to too quick to the draw. We fire off rounds at people without thinking beforehand or about the consequences. And you know, I've had to make many amends in the past because of that.

But we use that anger to hide behind and defend the softer, more tender feelings.

Basically what happens with an eight is when we, when we're not so healthy or we kind of project that and pump up our chest and do that, I want you to imagine that there's a little version of that eight that is standing right behind them because they weren't protected, they weren't. And so they're acting as this powerful mama bear, papa bear kind of parent. And that's kind of how they operate. And when you can look at an eight through those eyes, you will find you have more compassion. Don't bow down to them because they test people to see if they'll go toe to toe with them. That's how you earn respect from us. It doesn't mean like, well, we kind of like this too. We put on the boxing gloves, like, I want to know somebody can ha with me. And if you back down from me, I still may like you, but I won't respect you. I just won't. And so I actually appreciate when people challenge me. It doesn't mean that it sounds like I appreciate it, but I actually do. I like to be called to the carpet, especially when it's warranted.

Eights don't have dimmer switches at all. We're on or off, all in or all out. Go big or go home.

You know, that all in, all or nothing approach can leave an 8 prone to being overindulgent and excessive. And if you've listened for any length of time, you know that that is my story. You know, I have pretty much used every kind of addictive behavior and substance there is to.

Cope, to deal with that intensity and, you know, to recognize that everything we have is inside of ourselves has been.

Such a journey that hot blooded, passionate and combative energy can feel overwhelming and threatening to people who aren't eights. And that. So if you're an 8 and I had a call the other night with a team and I explained this like, if you are an 8, you understanding the impact you have on everyone else is the most important job, you know, and as an eight, we want to not be controlled. So we want to go to work to understand everybody else. But if you are an eight or you love an eight, them really coming to terms with understanding the impact that they have, know that that's going to be a pretty humbling experience for them. And for you, if you are an 8. But when an 8 can wrap their brain around that and like, this is the game changer for me, when I understood how that intensity fireball energy that, like, how that was affecting my kids and this is how I was able to put together that the thing that's on my heart isn't being translated at all into theirs. And that was the defining moment. I want to be effective. I don't necessarily need to be right. And I need to be able to trust that this beautiful gift of discernment that an 8 has can choose the right people to trust their heart and their vulnerability with.

And even though to most people that intense energy can feel intimidating, they that actually can feel like intimacy to an 8. Because for us, sometimes conflict is connection. And that's why we do need to talk things out. You can't sugarcoat shit with us. You need to give us the details. We need to have that. If you try to, if you think you're protecting an 8 by leaving out details, it's not gonna work. They will not trust you. They need to know the details because that's how they know they're safe with your, with, with you.

It's, it's. I can't express enough how important that is. Like, they value it like there's nothing else that matters to them.

You know, we can. We sometimes, especially if we're bored or we're craving that intensity, we will pick fights. I don't do this anymore.

Because it just causes so much drama. But back in the day, I definitely, definitely had done that. So if you love an 8, and this is how Eights show up in relationships.

They're not easy in relationships. They aren't. But if you have them in a relationship, they are a gift for sure.

It's going to take a lot of care and energy to be their friend, but it is always worth it because what they bring to the table is unmatched. And they do want you to challenge them. They admire that strength. They don't respect you if you're not willing to stand with them. They want others to be their equals, stand up for what they believe. They want partners. They don't want to be the one that has to take the reins all the time because quite honestly, their entire life they've had to be adult, like, and have had to make adult decisions even as little kids.

When I look at my relationship, when I got married, I was at an unhealthy place and I wanted to be in charge. And so of course, that's the partner I picked, you know, where I could make all the decisions and, and not be controlled. Right. I didn't have to have all the control, but I knew I wouldn't be controlled by him. It's also why it didn't work out. Right? So when I say that the eights want like unvarnished truths, I can't express that even more. Because unless you like lengthy estrangements, never lie or send a mixed Message to an 8. Tell the whole truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Information is power. So eights need to know all the facts. If you want an 8 to feel safe with you and to be vulnerable with you, that is a non negotiable right. They don't want you to protect them from the facts or coddle them by leaving out things that you think might hurt them, because actually that actually makes them feel more confident in you. There's a lot at stake. Their entire being is at stake. That's how eights operates. Definitely how I operate. And if they don't know the truth, then they don't know what's really happening. And if they don't know what's really happening, then they're not in control and. And they don't want to ever be controlled. Right. So if you hold back any information and if an 8 feels like you've left them out in the wind and exposed, like, that's how we take it. Because if you lose an 8's trust, it's going to take a long time to get it back. So lead with the truth always, even if it scares you because they're so intense. I can handle the truth a lot more than finding shit out later. That's a fact. My kids finally know this, thank God, so they just come right to the carpet with it. And it always goes so much better.

Okay, this is the other part of the eight. Whether you love them or lead them, eights are. Don't complain and don't explain people. They don't make excuses at all. They just handle shit. We'll handle it. When we say we got this, we mean it. When we say we've got your back, we mean it.

And thankfully, my friends and the people that are close to me know that. They're like, okay. It's why I joke all the time. Like, sixes and eights, when they're healthy, get along great. Because sixes don't like to be blindsided. And eights can handle a blindside like a champion. Right? We don't make excuses. But this is where we can turn into Judge Judy and Judge Joey is we don't expect you to either. So if you start laying down excuses, forget about it. Like, we will. We will throat punch you metaphorically, or maybe even when we're unhealthy, we will actually do it. But if you're in a romantic relationship with an 8, if you love an 8, you have to know who you are. You have to be independent. They don't want you to draft off their energy and they want you to bring their own. They love debates, they love adventures, they love sarcasm and throwing, you know, throwing some jokes around.

So it takes a very strong personality for someone to handle an 8. And, you know, a lot of times we'll see eights and nines, but I don't think that that always works because a 9 can be kind of passive. It's why eights usually end up with somebody in the heart triad, whether it's a 2, 3, 4, a strong 2, 3, or 4, because not only will you all make us feel, which is not a place we like to go, but it's something that we need.

Stronger two threes and fours. Will keep us on our toes, which is something that is really, really important for us.

Something else that's really fascinating about eights, this is so true. I am a child whisperer and an animal whisper. As an eight, we look at the innocence in. Oh, I could get emotional just thinking about it. Like, I will sit on a floor and talk to young kids when I'm at a party filled with adults. I will immediately go, like, I was thinking about a Christmas party I was at and there were some kids at the party and I was like sitting on the floor playing with the dolls with the little girl. Not to play dolls, but to have like cute conversation or the little boys. Because I recognize the innocence and that and I want to be protective. I want to protect that innocence from them. Same thing with animals. And it's why I love rescue animals. Like, they've been in positions that they shouldn't have, should have never been. And so it's also why I'm an animal whisperer too. That's our tender side that eights have. And if you're fortunate enough to have an 8 in your life, know that beneath all that intensity and anger, there's a heart like, oozing with tenderness and love. And eights will step in front of a speeding train or take a bullet for the people that they really, really trust and love.

So when I'm not going to emphasize this too much because it's that important, if you love or lead an 8, feel honored when they display that tenderness and that vulnerable thoughts and especially if they share deep, dark feelings with, you.

Know that it took them a lot to get there and that they really, really trust you.

So when they let that, that guard down, it's a big deal.

Why we're also attracted to two threes and fours, those feeling types. It really helps us get in touch with that, that emotional part of us that we've kind of blocked behind these walls for so long because we're eager to support people who want to realize their potential as a leader.

Eights in business know how to empower and bring out the best in others, especially if they're healthy and they'll block or tackle to help somebody get where they want to go in life. But here's the thing. Like, and people that have been led by me or coached by me or parented by me, know this to be true. Like, I can bring out the best in you. I. That's why I'm a fantastic, unmatched coach. However, you better bring 150% of yourself to the Table, you better walk your talk, because the minute excuses come, I will still love you and cheer you on, but you're not going to get, like, me on the defensive line with you as much, because I'm going all out. You're going to go with me, and we'll go there together. And if you don't, a one supportive eight will move on and find somebody else willing to put in the effort. And I know as an eight, when I've done this, people have taken it and gotten their feelings hurt. Thankfully, now, as a healthy eight, I can express what's happening instead of just, like, feeling like I'm ghosting somebody. Right.

But we're serious competitors, too.

We are. And when an 8 is healthy, we're a blast. We can laugh, have fun, tell all the jokes, but when it comes to competition, I don't care if I birthed you.

Whether it's, you know, a championship game or, you know, playing horseshoes, you're gonna discover that an 8 hates to lose more than they love to win. We do not want to lose. Where an 8 can go sideways in a relationship is, you know, we can be, like I said, really intense. And sometimes people can become a little tired with feeling they're pushed around or intimidated by an immature 8 or an emotionally unhealthy one. And sometimes they'll walk away or in business. Like, though sometimes people will call in the troops to try and overtake them because it's going to take an army to take out an 8.

So that's kind of where they can get into trouble as well. I want you to know, like an eight, we're constantly. When we are in front of people, whether it's business, love, anybody, I don't care who you are. An 8 is basically asking themselves, can I trust me with you? It's not necessarily, can we trust you? Because we will. We've already made that decision. But can I trust me with you? Because at the end of the day, we want to find somebody for sure that we can feel safe enough with to kind of put down our defenses and reveal our true heart. And I'm speaking from my experience, because my entire life, I've never felt like I could do that completely, you know? And so when I allow myself and there's maybe five people in my life that get all of that. Get the I trust me with you kind of filter that they've passed, it's a. Even though you've passed through, it's still really hard a lot of times. Now, female eights, this is the one Type where gender like this, this is probably eights. Female eights are the most misunderstood and unfairly treated number on the Enneagram. And I'm not just saying that because I am one. But in our culture, like, male eight is respected and actually celebrated because, you know, guys who kick ass and take names like, they're the ones who get shit done. But a girl that does that sometime.

We know what they're called now, ladies. Especially unhealthy female eights. And I was one of these. So I can honestly say this. You spot it, you got it right.

Ladies. It doesn't mean that we have to be this alpha female all the time. A healthy, balanced female 8 can change the world. For sure. For sure. Because we're able to let people see the vulnerable parts of us. It's the unhealthy female eights that really are the most misunderstood and mistreated. But they bring a lot of it on themselves. Myself included. Right. If you are an eight leader, we all know that you're going to be comfortable in that position. And you like having the power and control. We know that.

The people part of things can be challenging. Like, you'll get people to do what you want. But is that sustainable? No. People will either burn out, fall away, run scared. You'll have a bunch of minions, which we don't respect anyway. Like, I can't stand it. So the healthier I got in leadership, my goal was to empower and set people free. I don't want to be the queen bee. We don't. Eights don't. But you're going to have to pull your weight. When you have somebody that you're being led by that's an eight, you can know that they're going to never ask you to do something that they're not doing. They're powerful. And that intensity, because we don't even realize it sometimes that our intensity is about 100 times more than we think it is.

You need to recognize that it isn't about you. So if you're like a sensitive, maybe two even. Yeah, twos. Ones. All the Enneagram types. Any Enneagram type will feel sensitive when it comes to dealing with an 8. So if you are being led by an 8, know that. If you are leading an 8, know that how you can get along with eights in business and in general is don't beat around the bush. Absolutely. Don't do that.

I laugh at this all the time. Don't give them a book. Give them bullet points. Like, I am a bottom line. Me kind of girl like, okay, I don't need the entire labor, just give me the baby. Right? Because what happens when you start going off on a tangent and giving us the book is we think you're gonna lie to us when you are bullet pointed. It's like straight to the, to the facts and that's the way that we like it. If you are loving or leading an 8 or parenting an 8, be competent and be able to work independently. We don't like to micromanage at all. We can't stand it actually. It's torture.

If you are loving or leading innate, support them by taking action. Like I said, words don't mean shit. So if you're gonna talk it, you better walk it. Keeping them informed is probably the most important way to earn the trust and for them to respect you as their leader. Keeping them informed and don't hide things or undermine their authority. That 100% is the number way I'm number one. Way I'm triggered still is if like you undermine my authority. Especially because my entire life I've had to have an authority and handle things. And so I've had to really work on that as a leader, as a parent, as a partner, as a friend. And don't be afraid of conflict with innate. So if you're loving, leading, parenting innate, don't be afraid of conflict. It might get kind of heated, but I'm telling you right now, if you are okay stepping in the fire with them, not only will you earn their respect, you will have some amazing success, you will have some amazing conversations, you'll have some amazing sex with an 8, like just being honest.

But the thing with, with that is they want you to be challenged because they know that when you're challenged that that will bring out the best, the best in you.

The best things will happen.

I think as an eight today. And I will end with this because I know that.

We can be hard to deal with. We really, really are.

You know, I can't imagine it's easy to have an 8 challenger mom. It really isn't. And I'm so grateful. Oh, I'm getting choked up. I'm so grateful that I have made it to the healthy version of an 8 because my kids get to reap the benefits of that as a two and a in. And they trust me and they move. They trust me and they come to me with stuff not because they're intimidated by me or afraid of me, but because they actually know that I can lean in with compassion and feelings. I've learned how to feel. And I've learned how to think sometimes before I just react to things. And so it's been a really beautiful thing. I remember when I was in rehab, my therapist gave me the book the Gift of Vulnerability. And I'm sorry, the Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown. And it was so powerful because she wrote, like, embracing our vulnerability is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging, and joy, the very experiences that make us the most vulnerable. And when we're brave enough to explore the darkness, we will discover the infinite power of our light. And I remember reading that. And as much as I was protected behind those walls that I put up, that I still put up some, I know every time I do, I'm robbing myself and the people that I really can help or love.

I'm robbing them of that, and I'm robbing myself of that joy. So, you know, if you are loving, leading, or an 8, they're worth the work. They've been through a lot. I'm not saying that to give them a free pass, because that's the last thing we want. Because if you give us a free pass, we assume you think we're weak and we'll just, like, challenge you even more. But know that there's a beautiful child in there that had to grow up long before they should have had to. They really do crave connection that isn't bullshit. Don't flatter them. If you care about an 8 and you really respect an 8, you're in love with an 8. You're parenting an 8.

You'Re leading an 8. Know that they're worth the work and be willing to step in the fire with them because Lord knows they've been in the fire alone for a long, long time. And they really do appreciate those that will step into it with them. So.

There are days I wish it wasn't so challenging to be a challenger. But I wouldn't trade it for anything today. And I take the vulnerable parts that I have operated against for so long and now use it as my superpower. Because one of my good friends said, you know, our greatest gift is, you know, back to back with our biggest wounding. And our greatest gift is backed up to our greatest struggle, Right? And for most of my life, the ability to be vulnerable and to trust is actually where all the great stuff has begun to happen in my life. And it's why I am the person I am and why I can help you move the needle today. And so if you love, lead parent to challenger.

Give them all you got. That's all they've ever wanted is to know that you actually do have their back.

And they're worth the work. So I know I'm already feeling the heat and I'm sure I'm going to hear a lot about this episode and if you are unsure, you know, maybe who you're loving, leading or who you even are on the Enneagram again, I would love to help you with that. Go to Tracey O' Malley.com, reach out to me on Instagram Traceyomally and if you loved this, if you love an 8, you lead an 8, you parent an 8, you are an 8 and you know that maybe somebody needs to understand you. This is a beautiful because like I said, eights are the most misunderstood.

On the Enneagram, without a doubt. So Share this episode Tag me, let me know what you think. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof. Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can. You can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.

Sam.