76: Leading, Learning. Laughing, and Loving with an Enneagram Type Nine

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to Millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof Podcast. And we are rounding out our series on loving, learning, leading and laughing with each Enneagram type. And this one is all about the type 9, the peacemaker. And that being said, I know a lot of you have been following along and listening not just for your own type, gaining clarity on your own type, but also people that you are loving and leading. So I love that you guys have been sharing this podcast with so many people and letting me know what you're learning about yourself. The general consensus is that you've never felt so understood in your life and that is the power of the Enneagram as a tool. Now imagine using this in leadership, you know, in your home, leadership in your businesses. This is what helped me transform my home and transform my businesses into multimillion dollar businesses, is using this beautiful tool in integrity to bring out the best in everyone that I came in contact with and to be able to have conversations with everyone. So if you are still unsure about your type or you want more clarity, or you really want to know how to integrate this tool, reach out to me either on Instagram. Traceyomalley. You can find my website@traceyomalley.com you this is one of the most eye opening things you can do for your life that will allow you to rapidly transform and accelerate your transformation.

You've heard me talk about my family and how things changed literally overnight using this.

In pretty much every way. I communicated with my kids as a single mom and they were teenagers at the time. You've heard the stories about how I started with no social network and built a multimillion dollar network market business in two years and this was all using the tool of the Enneagram. So as we talk about the Peacemaker and I really wanted to share that because the Peacemaker are. The Peacemakers are the kings and queens of the Enneagram. When they're healthy, they sit at the top of the Enneagram diagram, if you're familiar with it. They sit at the top perched. And they have the ability, more than any other type, to embody the other eight types. And they are in the body or gut triad. So they reside in the house with the eights and the ones. And if you know the Enneagram at all, you know that those that lie in that.

Triad, the underlying emotion is anger, which is hilarious. When you hear the name Peacemaker, you wouldn't put anger, you wouldn't think anger would be there, but it is. Obviously the eights are very expressive with their anger. The ones which we started with internalize their anger and the Nines kind of fall asleep on it. But it's there, I promise you. And as I go into this, you'll. You'll hear how that's expressed. When I talk about the Peacemaker. A lot of the time when they're not healthy and not in the most and not in their strengths, I should say they resemble Eeyore, not physically, but like they kind of just walk through life like, whatever. Nothing bothers me, I'm good. And at their best, when they're strong and healthy and embody their gifts, they are like Yoda. They are the wise one. My personal coach that I have had for over two years now, he is an enneagram9 and one of the most powerful, influential world class leaders that I have ever met. Also, the Dalai Lama is an Enneagram Nine Nines. I would say nines and fours probably have the hardest time getting into their healthiest state because there's so much conflict. Intern. For the fours, it's emotional. And for the Nines, there is a reason why it's very, very hard for them. So the Peacemakers.

Their leadership style. So if you are one, whether it's in your home or in business, they lead from consensus. They're the most inclusive. They want to keep everybody involved, which is amazing. They are beautiful at diffusing conflict, like the mediators of the world, for sure. And the healthy Nines are natural mediators, like I said, they see and value the perspective of other people and really can harmonize what seems to be points of view that you don't see. Like everybody's going to ever agree.

They're unselfish and flexible, super inclusive. The healthy Nines seldom are attached to their own way of seeing and doing Things like, they're like, they, they're like the good devil's advocate. They can see the whole picture and they've learned to make decisions based on what's right and what's like on the right priorities, right. So they are super inspiring, self actualized. You know, in, in the world that we live in today where it's so divisive, this is where nines really, when they're healthy, can shine because they bring everybody together for the greatest good and they really do care. Average nines, when they're kind of middle of the road, they can come off as sweet and easygoing, but they can be stubborn and kind of really out of touch with their anger. So you know, the mid range nine, they, they really kind of shut down on themselves. They overlook themselves. They believe in their core that they don't have an opinion that matters. They feel unimportant sometimes and they occasionally wake up and realize that they have to work on investing in them.

Since they are in the gut triad, which the core motive is justice. They're willing to stand up for justice on behalf of others for sure, but rarely would they risk doing much to stand up for themselves in that maybe not as healthy range. They don't ask for much though. They appreciate what others do for them. So they're not like, like they're, they're very giving of themselves. And they also do appreciate that where like the eight, like, they don't want help from anybody, right? But the nines welcome that in. Unhealthy nines are some of the most difficult, difficult to transform. It is a dark hole that they can get in and usually it comes with a really rough upbringing. And you've heard me talk about this possibly on previous podcasts. I am an 8, which is the challenger. But as a child in my home, like out in the real world, it was eight all the way. Like there was not much winging with my 8 out in the real world. But as a child in my home, the expression of my nine wing was very predominant. And had I been like somebody looking in into my home, I would have probably guessed I was a 9 based on.

My behaviors in the home. Because unhealthy nines have trouble making decisions, they become overly dependent. To dull their feelings of sadness and anger, they engage in numbing behavior. So like growing up in the home that I did, you know, my job because I took it on was to keep the peace, do whatever I had to do to make sure shit was safe, right? And that meant sacrificing myself a lot.

And when a 9 is super unhealthy, they have a hard time really navigating what's.

Not so healthy and what's for the greatest good. Because they are justice seekers. I mean, they will fight for what's right and wrong when they're healthy and they have good discernment on what that looks like. But when we're unhealthy, they don't even, like. They don't even know. They're just like, keep the peace at whatever cost. Right.

You know, a lot of times, like, a good metaphor for the nine when they're not healthy is kind of sleepwalking. Like, they fall asleep on their own spiritual condition, and they are on autopilot. And when you kind of are on autopilot, you're like, how did I even get here? What's happening? And that's kind of how a 9 can operate, especially when it comes to themselves. When it comes to their environment or the people around them, they can kind of turn it up a notch. But for themselves, they do fall asleep on themselves.

Nines can suffer from a more aggressive form of.

Really numbing themselves down. And if they're not careful, they will end up sleepwalking through life. The nines are also known as the sweethearts of the enneagram because they are so accommodating. And, you know, I think about myself as a child.

And, you know, I was like the quiet little mouse. I was very accommodating, very sweet.

Very easygoing natured in the home because that's what I knew I needed to be to be safe. So the underlying thing that, like, I think I've talked about this before. With each Enneagram type, there's, like this underlying emotion or underlying kind of behavior that, like, for the eights, it was anger.

For the nines, it's kind of sloth. And that's why I talk about Eeyore a lot. You know, we usually use that word when we're talking about physical laziness. And this isn't what I mean by that, because the sloth about. When we're talking about the sloth of nines, it's more of a spiritual nature because they're disconnected from the passion and motivational drive necessary to rise up and live their. Their one beautiful life. They've been given.

Immature nines or unhealthy nines don't fully connect to the fire in the belly that they need to chase after their life. And, you know, sometimes as a result, they fail to become their own person, and they just kind of Are this mediator, peacemaker just floating through life. And they can become the chameleon of whatever situation that they have. And because early on they, they recognize that their needs didn't matter, their opinions didn't matter. This is kind of like how this happens where nature and nurture kind of kicks in.

You know, they, they can, they will withdraw like they have friends, but they're not the ones to reach out. They, if they move, they have no problem never reaching out to people again. They, they are just so concerned with what's around their environment in present time. So it's kind of bizarre sometimes when you see a nine that. And they don't, they don't mean it like to be like shady or insensitive. It's just like they're, they're so hyper focused about their environment, what's in front of them, and that's their main thing. It's kind of a way that they appear very self, self absorbed and selfish. But in their mind they, they just think that they're always constantly sacrificing themselves.

You know, when you can get a 9. And like the healthy nines that I know, like I talked about my personal coach, I have a very good friend who was pissed she wasn't a three, but when she embraced, she was a nine. Like she could really step into the superpowers of that nine and be that inclusive, truth telling, justice person. And my God, like everything about her life and business has changed since she embodied the gifts of her type, the nine.

Because she recognized it was really hard thinking she was a three and trying to be the three when she really was never a three. The thing about the nine, though, when they are in a growth pattern, they can take on the behaviors of a 3, all the healthy things about the 3, but they're not motivated the same way as the 3. And that's where a lot of people can get in trouble trying to model and be like threes. Like you can model them and perform like them, but if the come from isn't different, eventually you'll have burnout and it won't be sustainable. And that's why it's so important to be typed properly, y'. All.

The inner peace that happens in a home or an environment and the equilibrium in their environment that that is what a nine values more than anything for nines. That sloth nature has to do with their desire to not be overly bothered by life because they don't want life to get them right. Remember nines in the anger triad, the gut triad? You can't lay claim to your life unless you have guts, unless you have access to your fire, right? But nines are slothful when it comes to fully paying attention to their own lives. So figuring out what they want in life, chasing their dreams, addressing their needs, developing their own gifts, like this is what if you're leading one loving one, this is something that's very, very important. And the problem is, is because they're so easygoing, a lot of times they'll attract partners or end up in work environments and business environments where they get taken advantage of. Not intentionally sometimes, but because they're so easygoing in nature. That's kind of what happens. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. And the nines, they aren't squeaky like you. You're. They're almost like a little mouse, like I was as a child. And so people kind of just unintentionally and sometimes intentionally just are push, like push them over, right? So if you're leading or loving one, really helping them and helping them find their voice and ask them their opinion. And if you ask A9 their opinion, if you really want to help them grow, whether you're leading, loving parenting one is when you do ask them their opinion, take it. Because if you just listen to them and you shrug them off, you're reinforcing that. Their opinion, their, their feelings, their needs are irrelevant.

If eights are too in touch with their gut instincts and over express the anger, Nines are out of touch with their gut and under express their anger, they're out of touch with the good side of anger. Because I've told you guys before, anger is a very healthy, productive emotion when channeled and leveraged for good. And because I'm an eight and that is like my underlying emotion for many, many years, it wasn't leveraged properly and it wasn't used properly. And I think so often, especially the eights, the nines and the one anger is right there for them. There's so much negative connotation directed about anger that, you know, the eights rebel against it, the ones internalize it, but the nines do shut down on it. And when you can get a 9 in touch with the good side of anger, the part that inspires and drives change and moves things along and gives them courage to stand up for themselves, like, that's when a nine, nines gifts can shine because they are so inclusive and justice seeking.

But the failure to risk fully engaging with life comes partly from the nines need to avoid conflict at all costs. Right? Nines fear that Expressing their preferences or, you know, saying this is my agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea and their inner environment. So that's why they. It becomes so subconscious the older that they get, that they just shut it down, shut it down, shut it down. And, you know, I've used this analogy before. It's. It's almost like a smoldering campfire. Like, if you walk by a campfire, you may not even know that it's, like, burning hot, or you may not even realize that it is a campfire. And all you have to do sometimes is poke the coals or poke the ground a little bit and move it around before, you know, the fire comes out. That is how you describe a 9. Sometimes even with their anger.

Nines value feeling comfortable and tranquil and keeping the status quo. They preserve connections with others that they set aside their own viewpoints and kind of merge their viewpoints and things with others. This is like that chameleon part of them. This doesn't seem like a big deal for the peacemakers out there, who usually grew up feeling like neither their presence or priorities matter too much, which is what I said before.

You know, I remember as a kid in my home, it's like, I would say sometimes, like, whatever I do or say really doesn't make much of a difference. So wouldn't it just be easier and more comfortable not to assert my priorities just to kind of keep the peace? Like, that is how I operated as a kid. And a lot of nines, they're like, yeah, it's just not worth it. It's not worth it. Nothing becomes nothing about themselves or their needs or their opinions become worth it when it comes to anybody else.

So.

Nines have some common traits that. And behaviors that characterize them as like, the group of the peacemakers, like self forgetting, difficulty making decisions, and a tendency to be super distracted. Like squirrel, you wouldn't think so. Being so easygoing. But they can spin out, and you may not even know it. And this is kind of where some stonewalling, passive aggressiveness comes out. The stubborn streak of them come out. And not all nines will exhibit all those traits. You know, many nines recognize themselves in.

You know, just there. I'm a good, easygoing person. Like, they almost play the martyr, but it's so subtle. It's not like the two, where, like, the two is just giving, giving, giving, and they believe that. They say, like, twos and nines can be mistyped a lot because twos are self forgetting in A way. But there's this manipulative kind of undertone to it. So subconscious because the two believes that they need to do that in order to be loved. The nine believes they do that. They do that because they believe that that's how they keep the peace and keep their environment safe and avoid conflict. Very different motives can appear very much the same. Right? And so again, this is why it's so important to be typed properly. Especially if you're using this compass and tool to navig growth and, you know, pull yourself off a cliff when you're about to go off of it. Right? So when nines self forget, you know, all three numbers in that gut triad, the anger triad, the eights and nines and ones are self forgetting. You know, eights forget rest and self care. Ones forget to kind of chill out and have a little more fun. But nines forget their opinions, preferences and priorities. And this is where the chameleon, they merge their feelings, viewpoints and pursuits of others and they erase themselves. Like, imagine that. Like, they really just think they're a bodysuit kind of here to keep the peace.

And it's sad, like, and. And it's really hard to pull them out of it because they are so, like, shut down, like, falling asleep. Like they're in a coma sometimes. The unhealthiest nines I have seen, they're like way awake, but like in a coma, if that makes any sense.

Like I said, being the kings and queens of the Enneagram, perched at the very top of the summit of the Enneagram, they get to enjoy the unobstructive view of the world. And this is why they are like the wise one, the devil's advocate, because they can see all sides. And from that point, they not only have the benefit of seeing the world the way every other number sees it, but they also can incorporate into themselves the core characteristics, strengths associated with every type. So they, this is Riso and Hudson, who are huge Enneagram peeps. If you know anything about the Enneagram, they. They say nines can embody the idealism of ones, the kindness of twos, the attractiveness of threes, the creativity of fours, the intellectual horsepower of fives, the loyalty of the sixes, the optimism of the sevens and the adventureness of the sevens and the strength of the eights. So, like, they truly can embody all of that more than any other type. But unfortunately, from that position, nines tend to see the world from the viewpoint of every number but their own. Right?

The only type, the nine, is not like is the nine itself sometimes, because they just kind of slip into whatever kind of type they need to in order to avoid conflict and help everybody around them avoid conflict.

Because they can see through the eyes of every number and are unclear about who they are and what they want. The nine peacemaker can drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner. So you see this a lot. Nines. A lot of times nines and twos similarly will partner up with somebody who's assertive. And imagine eights and nines together.

They'Re both in that triad. But.

A nine will keep the peace. And that eight is that more intense energy, that assertive energy.

And.

The nine will idealize that because they don't see themselves as strong and assertive. They will most likely pick a partner like that. But after a while, they don't know where they end and the other person begins. And sometimes people will experience or describe the peacemaker as blurry, passive, in soft focus. Right. Like you see them, but you don't.

Nines can be conspicuously inconspicuous. They diffuse their quiet energy, can give others the impression that they're everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Being with a 9 can feel like falling into a big, comfortable couch, though. Like, that's like. And it's true, because you feel seen.

And understood when you have a healthy nine. That's why some healthy nines make the greatest mediators, you know, in the legal system, mediators for life coaches, world leaders.

When they are their healthiest, they really can embody that gift. Average nines have less stamina and energy than any other number on the enneagram. They can take off like a rocket on a project, right? But then halfway into. Into it, they can kind of plummet and be like, yeah, I'm out. There's a lot of unfinished products, projects in a nines hit list. They start things, don't finish them. You know, think about your house. If you love lead nines, they. They're quick to start, slow to finish. There's. There's some underlying stuff, especially if they're partnered up with somebody that. That this comes into play, but they feel exhausted. And so, like, although they'll. They'll start strong and finish weak, nines are smack in the middle of that anger and gut tried. So, you know, if you think about it, they're neighbored by the challenger who externalize their anger, and the other side is the ones who internalize their anger. But there's a lot of freaking energy between those two. And that nine is Right in the center of them.

That is exhausting. And with that as their wings, they've got it too. So it can be a soul tiring experience for them.

They're so tired that when they're not actively performing a task or handling shit, they can sit down to take a break. And sometimes they'll literally doze off. They literally can just doze off because of the internal exhaustion that's happening. You wouldn't recognize it, their expression, because, you know, unlike the eights, like, there's no secret what an 8 is feeling a 9. They have the strongest poker face of all. You would never know what's happening internally and how exhausted they are.

Sometimes you'll see a nine kind of just like staring off into space into, like, a trance. Because when they feel overwhelmed, like, if there's conflict that's going to arise or people are telling them what to do, that's the other thing we'll get into that really triggers. There's a lot of dysfunction. And the very thing that they're trying to do, which is avoid conflict, creates a lot of it.

So when they feel overwhelmed, like I said.

Or for no reason at all, they can tune out and withdraw into a place in their own mind that is like this inner circle that nobody ever sees, right? That's where they kind of like, disconnect from their anger and life energy and ignore any call to action.

This is where that sloth, like, kind of demeanor happens. The sloth like behaviors, like externally start to happen.

Because sometimes they can lack drive and focus. The average nines often become jack of all trades, but masters of none. Like all the nines that I know can. Like, they can be very good in any situation, but they don't have any gifts. You know, the average ones that you would say, yeah, they're great at that, but they can be good at all the things, and good is the enemy. And great. You've heard me say that before. But they do know a little bit about everything because they're generalists. They can find something to talk about with everybody if they have to. Conversations with nines are really nice. And as long as they don't switch over to cruise control, like. Like when they kind of zone out, you can feel like you're talking to a wall. But for the most part, if they're engaged, you know, they. They're great conversationalists. Um, being butted up against the eight and the nine. Like, being sandwiched between the eight and nine both. Like the eight. I'm sorry, the eight and the one. The Eight, super decisive one, take charge. You know, like, just improve, improve, improve. Where the nine.

They have a hard time making decisions because they're so worried about, like, what it's going to do, like a sure sign. And I'm not saying if you say this, that you're a nine, but when you ask a nine what they want for dinner or where they want to go or what do they want to do, I don't care. Whatever you want. That is pretty much how they operate with all of their being.

Because it comes from. I don't want to disrupt whatever this person wants or the environment.

So it's really important when you are aware that you are loving or leading or parenting a 9, that you ask them their opinion. But don't give them too many options because they will get overwhelmed, right?

Because there are so many angles from which to examine issues, nines often never get around to deciding most of anything. They get overwhelmed. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make a decision or for the situation to just naturally work itself out on its own. And this is where you know, when you have. This is how an assertive type and a 9 end up together. Because it seems so easy, right? So easy in the beginning and at the beginning, that's great. Especially if you're leading one, too. Like, wow, this employee, this leader, this person is so easy. And the problem is when they kind of.

Can'T make a decision or they sweep it under the rug. When you have an assertive type, this is where the conflict comes, and this is where that anger can come out. Not like an 8, but in a very different way. Stonewalling, passive aggressive, almost defiant behavior.

Nines can and do make decisions, but because of their ambivalent nature, it can take them a long time. And that can be frustrating, right? So there's a stockpile of unresolved questions and pending decisions already taking up so much real estate in their heads. So, like, think about a hoarder. Like, there's so many things that weigh on them that they can't even see the doorway sometimes.

They don't want to have anybody have unpleasant feelings, and they don't, especially in their love interests. They don't want to have unpleasant feelings. So they. They do. They are really good at acts of service sometimes, and that makes them endearing, too. They really do want to know what you want so that they can adapt and merge with whatever you desire. So whether you're their leader, their lover, their parent.

That'S their telltale response of a nine. And when I think about growing up in my nine wing, that pretty much in my home was. Was what I did. It's easier for nines to know what they don't want than what they do want. So people who love a 9 would do well to offer them, like I said, limited set of options from which to select.

But realize, like, if you really want to help your nine grow, realize how important it is to not rob them of whatever choice they do make. So let's say you ask them, what do you want for dinner? You give them three options. You say, like, pizza, tacos, sushi, and you really want pizza, but you're asking them because you care, and they say sushi. I mean, I used to do this all the time. It was horrible. Like, I would give people options and they're like, well, do you really? Like, I would try to negotiate it. So if you really want to help, help a9 be confident in their opinions and believe that their opinions matter. When you give them a short list of things to decide on, take it. So, like, obviously it doesn't have to be like, world changes, but like, something like dinner or where you want to go or what do you want to do on Friday night? Like, here are the options. Which one excites you? Do it right, they will start to be able to make decisions faster and quicker, and they'll be able to trust their own instinct. They're in the gut triad, for crying out loud. They have that capability, but because they've fallen asleep to their own needs.

And they believe that their preferences and presence matter less than other people's, the last thing they need is for any of us to co sign on that bullshit. So you really want to help them lean into making decisions from a loving spot. It's one of the greatest things to see a 9 really step into their opinion and stand up for it.

Nines are so good at seeing and identifying with every viewpoint that people often walk away from them feeling like the nine only not only understood them but also agreed with them, Even though the 9 never actually came out and said so. Like, because they're so, like, understanding and good listeners. Like, you believe that, like, oh, they okay. But because they're so empathetic and able to recognize the merits of all the different perspectives, right? With that beautiful view that they've got, healthy nines can reconcile different points of view, but the unhealthy ones just like, yeah, like, they're almost like saying, yeah, I understand, and they do, but they really don't have an opinion about it either. Sadly, sometimes nines will abandon their own opinion.

And defer to someone else's because they're uncertain or because they want to blend in or get along.

They have a hard time prioritizing tasks over others. So since all undertakings seem equally important to a 9, it's hard for them to decide what to tackle first. And this is how you see procrastination happen. And this can feel if you are partnered with them or leading one. Very, very disrespectful sometimes because it's like you've given them a list, right? Like, let's say you've given them a list and they truly in their brain, want to do what makes you happy as their leader, their lover, their parent, whatever, that it becomes this. This confusing task of what to tackle first. And they kind of often resemble like, you know, those Roomba, those floor vacuums that, you know, are just kind of bouncing off walls. That. That is basically how a 9 is feeling when they are overwhelmed. And, you know, I know many people that are partnered in business and in life with nines, and this is one of the most frustrating parts because it feels so disrespectful because they don't communicate very well about it. They just shut down, fall asleep. This is where their stubbornness can come in, the procrastination. And if they get pushed too far, and especially if they're partnered with an aggressive type, which happens a lot, this is where their anger, explosive anger comes out. And it's so scary sometimes because it's so not their natural demeanor that when it actually does happen, it's terrifying. Sometimes.

They really just want to make everybody happy.

And so when that happens, then they have.

Regret and shame sometimes too. That passive aggressive. Remember how I said when you. When you first start working with the enneagram, like, it automatically starts opening up like this can of worms. And you're like, Jesus is painful. Like it feels exposing and like there can be some. Like when we start to read the unhealthy parts of our type, like, like, oh, geez, when we see the dark side. And this is. This is why nines and fours have a hard time because they go to the darkness.

So this can be really hard for nines who often over attach to and enjoy their reputation of being the good guy or the nice girl. So the chances of them, especially if they're pretty far gone, the chances of them really doing the transforming work required for them to step up and have an opinion, I'm not going to say never. I'm not going to say it's impossible, but it will be a chore for them. And whoever is leading or loving them will have to have a ridiculous amount of patience because this will not be easy. And if you're a nine, I want you to keep in mind that as with every number, you know our biggest strengths, our curse or our biggest strengths is butted up to like the curse. So like my biggest strength is my decisiveness, but sometimes my biggest curse was like that decisiveness that would kind of go into situations and blow shit up, right? So, you know, a lot of times people will ask me, especially when they're reading that the peacemaker is in the anger triad, how can people who are so kind and friendly kind of be in that triad, Right? Despite their reputation for being sweet and accommodating, Nines aren't always kind of like all rainbows and unicorns. They aren't. They can be angry like eights, but you wouldn't know it, but they're loaded with that unresolved anger from years and years and years of pushing their own beliefs, opinions, preferences, priorities, needs aside. But they're afraid of the experience of letting it out and they believe it'll be too overwhelming, so they just kind of shut it down. So what's happening as we do that so subconsciously is that that resentment of going back to childhood or more recently for having sacrificed their own agenda to support yours. And because they don't know when or how to say no to people, they feel angry that others seem to take advantage of this. And if that wasn't enough, they feel annoyed when people tell them to wake up and start doing more than just the bare minimum to get by. So all this like pressure, like think instant pot, all this pressure, like it upsets their, their inner calm. And like, you flip that switch and it's like off to the freaking races. And it's, like I said, it's not pretty. The stubbornness is their go to passive aggressive behavior, especially when they feel like they're being pressured into agreeing to a plan or doing something that they don't want to do.

So.

They choose from what they want to indirectly express their anger over something or take control of a situation. Like avoidance, procrastination, stonewalling is really, really big tuning out silent treatment, not like deliberately not performing tasks that are clearly theirs to do or what they know this other person, whether it's their leader, their lover wants. And when you love a nine and you get frustrated and you say is something wrong? A lot of times you'll be like, you know something's wrong, clearly. And the peacemaker in your life that you're leading or loving will be like, I don't have any idea what you mean.

And their passive aggressive behavior ends up making all everyone else angrier, which only creates more conflict and problems for the nine than if they just come out and said that they were mad in the first place. But this, like, this is hard. This is hard.

A lot of times Nines, this is where that procrastination and they're easily distracted will come into play. So like.

When faced with having to wake up and address some stuff that's important, a 9 will sometimes focus on inessential tasks and leave the more essential ones to last. Like this. This.

Like common sense, like to all the other types, especially like the ones, the sixes, the ones and sixes specifically, and maybe even the fives. Like, it doesn't make sense that this defensive maneuver.

Would help things, but they turn their attention away from identifying their own stuff and so having to feel the anger and like it literally is like this overwhelming kind of.

Fire happening inside of them. It's crazy. They're easily pulled away by distractions because everybody else's priorities are more important than theirs. And such distractions are a great way to self forget even more. It's like their coping mechanism. They don't have to address their shit. So hey, let me get sidetracked and do whatever my boss, leader, parent, spouse wants.

But eventually, like they have either. Either they wake up and they're like, what is my life? Or they completely shut it down. And they almost make you feel like sometimes when they have gone this far, like they could take it or leave it if you're even here. Or like they don't mean to, but it feels like they could take this or leave this. They don't really care. They're just kind of a body here, right? When a 9 gets sidetracked, this is how they forget the big picture. They don't see or feel the urgency of the big picture. And so the peacemaker can no longer give value or prioritize tasks. So it takes a very good communicating leader to bring out the best in a nine. You know, being very choosy with your words. This is where having a more assertive type leading them can be a counterproductive thing. So, and especially with tone, like if you approach this with a judgmental tone, this is where the stonewalling and the passive aggressive and the stubborn stuff kind of happens. So how did all this happen? Like, obviously there's a disposition and to a nine. But then, like, what environment did most nines grow up in? You know, they're the most easygoing kids. They have the sweet spirits. They have a talent for sensing the needs of others. Like, like I said, my wing as a child in my home. Like, that was all very, very true.

If you notice. And you know, I've talked about typing children and all of that before. I believe that you can kind of like hone in on it. We're not going to be telling kids what their types are or anything like that. But you'll notice a nine child.

Will kind of like assess the room, like around family events or things like that. And they will always pick up on someone who's going through something and just give them a little extra love. They. They aren't even aware of what's happening, but they can feel that because they are so instinctual in the gut triad, you'll see them crawl on the laps of people.

They just kind of know who in the room most needs the peace and reassurance that everything's going to be okay. So a lot of times the nines grew up in homes where they either were or perceived themselves to be overlooked, which, that's kind of how I felt sometimes as a kid and where their opinions, preferences, and feelings were less important. That happens a lot. Especially which I had this, you know, if there's a sibling that is getting a lot of the attention because of behavior problems or rebellion. And that was the case with me. Like, my sister was. She's a four, I believe on the enneagram. And just like constant needed constant. Like the squeaky wheel was definitely getting the oil. And so, like, you can see how that can happen. They're usually the good child. And this usually will play out in a way later in life that we see causes problems in relationships. It causes, you know, never really hitting the mark in their career if they really want it to, which, you know, they. They're indifferent. Right. A lot of times they grew up in homes.

Like, sometimes it's like that middle child. And I'm not saying every middle child's a nine, but, you know, like that middle child kind of like you kind of like they're there, but they're not. Sometimes that is kind of how they show up. Their wants, their opinions, their desires, their presence don't matter much as what they started to believe somewhere early on in their life. But they're easy to be with. You know, they're not always the first ones to jump up into activities or answer Questions. But they do bring a harmony and cheer wherever they go. And so, you know, when they were kids, they felt uncomfortable when there was conflict between parents or family members. So they'll try to play that role of mediator.

And they do this in school sometimes?

Yeah, it's something else. You know, when, you know, especially as a kid, if they're growing up in an environment where it's rough.

A nine child will feel angry, but their anger is usually overlooked or ignored. And so they either choose like they discern, like either I'm going to keep this to myself, mentally check out or I'm just going to get the hell out. And that happens sometimes. All three will happen, right?

Mature nines make amazing partners. Whether it's in business or romantic or whatever, they make amazing partners, parents and friends. They're loyal, they're kind. They go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They're super fun and flexible when they're healthy. And they don't complain much. They like the simple pleasures. So if you give them the choice between getting dressed up or snuggling on the couch, so almost always pick snuggling on the couch. They always have a special place in their home where they can kind of retreat and find their quiet time. A healthy nine is someone who has kind of woken up and found their inner voice and come into their own. And that's why when they are healthy, they are the most incredible leaders. They really, really are incredible parents, incredible partners. It's when they're asleep on themselves that they get into trouble when conflict arise. Because that's when all the stonewalling and stubbornness and passive aggressive stuff comes out.

So the nines in the workplace or in business, you know, if you need somebody that's reliable, the enthusiastic team player, you know, somebody that brings people together, they're approachable and diplomatic. So this person.

You know, wants to get along with a wide range of people. So those who enjoy stirring up controversy or playing office politics like that's nines don't want any part of that. Healthy nines are great workers, colleagues, business partners.

Because they are supportive and non judgmental, inclusive. They build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation.

They're not particularly ambitious. It doesn't mean they're lazy. But like, although some are, but they don't, they don't desire to be the center of attention because sometimes that means there's conflict. They don't need, you know, the recognition like a 3. They don't need a big expense account. They just Want what? What's good and reasonable. They're content with what they get because they see all the different points of views. The nines can solve problems and put together deals where everybody wins. So like being a good negotiator, a mediator, this is where, like, you need win win situations. Call a healthy 9 in.

The nines draw their energy and sense of identity from a group. So they would rather merge with the team and share credit for success than go out of their way to shine. For sure, so they're okay with a little recognition, but where they feel most comfortable is flying under the radar. So if you're leading a nine, giving them a position where they can play a support role, but they won't have to stand up in front of a room and command it like an 8 would, you know, giving them, like, knowing this about the nine, you want them to be in those positions where they can be that inclusive mediator and the conflict resolution in a different way. Right.

Even though they're afraid of conflict, the mediator role is for them. When an opportunity for like an advancement comes up, a 9 might pursue it, but only when they're ready. Because for the most part, a nine is not a high energy. People like where an eight, you can feel their energy, like even before they run into a room. A9's energy is pretty low. And I don't mean like they're like low vibe, like low, like shit energy. It's just they are kind of like idle. It's not like the extremes, right? And they don't feel. They don't like feeling pressured to perform.

Or they don't like to be controlled. Like high pressure sales is not a good place for a nine. It really, really isn't. There are more creatures of habit. They appreciate structure, predictability, routine. They don't like to bring work home, and they definitely don't like interruptions on weekends or vacations. So, you know, when a nine decides to step into an entrepreneur role, they need to be aware that that's not their strength and have a support staff around them and communicate this to them. And so that's why you don't see a lot of nines in that kind of role. They are usually a support role.

Having, like being aware when there's a nine in the workplace, it's. You have to be mindful that it's easy to take advantage of a 9 because just like in a relationship, because they're too accommodating, they don't want to rock the boat. So they'll say yes when they want to say a no. They'll regret it later. They sell themselves short at work. So being mindful and protective of their heart, they can hold their own. But until you know that, they'll speak up and have their own voice. If you are leading, loving parenting a 9, like, be very mindful. You don't need to be a helicopter parent or. Or a codependent. Like, that's not the role. Your. Your role is to guide them. Really, really guide them. Now, nines with an eight wing, like that, it's funny, right? Just like me as an 8, but with a 9 wing. As a child, I use my 9 wing in the healthy way now in my coaching and that, like, seeing the bigger picture.

But a nine with an eight wing, like, they can tap into that fuck you card if they need to when they're healthy. And this is. This is the entrepreneur nine. Like a nine with an eight wing, you can see them as an entrepreneur because they have that decisiveness. They can tap into it. It's not their natural come from like an 8 is, but they can tap into it.

They. They have access to more of that expressive.

Assertive anger in a healthy way, especially when they're in that healthy place. Whereas if a 9 with a 1 wing, they are more fixated on right and wrong rather than that, like, fighting for what's like, fighting for things like with the eight wing. So.

Nine with a one wing versus a nine with an eight wing can look very, very different. Very, very different. So, you know, like I said earlier, sometimes our gifts, like, sit back to back with our dark side of the gifts. Like, the very thing that is your gift can also be, you know, your Achilles heel.

To really help A9 transform. You know, they're open and receptive in every way. They really, really are. They have a crazy awareness of the interconnectedness of all the things. Like, they really. They love the outdoors. They pick up on the presence of God and the divine. They. They value being overdoing.

They share themselves more generously than the rest of us. And because nines are able to see both sides of everything, they're super comfortable with paradox and mystery, which can come in handy when it comes to dealing with some hard things in life and politics and religion and all the things that stir up a whole shitload of controvers. Um, but if you're a 9, I want you to be really encouraged, because when you're healthy, when you're in that pattern of growth, your capacity for merging can put you in the same league as, like, the other Strong spiritual leaders, like I said, like the Dalai Lama, the Pope, like, regardless what you think about religion.

But if you're a 9, I know that you're resisting that unsafe nature of that real spiritual transformation. Because think about it. Your name is the peacemaker. Your greatest motivation in life is that I want to avoid conflict and experience inner harmony. But when we start to transform, we have to uncover some hard things, right? Because.

Spiritually, the absence of conflict is not necessarily the presence of peace. Right? There's an internal conflict. Even though you're avoiding conflict, we, you know, conflict is a healthy thing when handled properly and when leveraged properly. And so when we are looking for a spiritual transformation, this is the dilemma for nines that really want to embark on this journey. I see. I've coached a lot of nines, and this can feel gutting for them because they so badly want that transformation. But it has to unearth and dishevel some of the things they worked really hard to keep peaceful. Right? And just because, you know, there is no conflict, at least on the exterior, doesn't mean that there's an inner peace. Your environment may be peaceful.

But, yeah, this is where the conflict happens and where a lot of times they'll backslide and say, forget it. I can't do this because it takes work and it takes risk, neither of which a nine likes to do. But if nothing else, if you're a 9, if you love a 9, if you lead a 9, please know that your opinions, your value matters. Wake up. Enjoy this adventure. You are deserving of becoming your own person just like everybody else. You're the great encourager and the lifter upper of all the others. And I want you to know that you deserve that same thing. And so for those of you that are parenting, loving, leading one, it is your job and responsibility to pour this into them. And like I said, it's going to be exhausting sometimes and it's going to be frustrating. And you might want to say, forget it. It's too much, because there will be times it will feel like they're being disrespectful. But I promise you, there is an internal battle. Now, if they're unwilling to budge, then, I don't know, like, they're gonna have to figure that out on their own.

But really help them find their own thoughts, their own passions, their own opinions.

Some of the best leaders of nines are the ones that really see them, you know, nines, their whole life, it felt like the mouse that nobody paid attention to. And I have such a Soft, warm spot for the Nines. I have a lot of compassion. Although I know how frustrating they can be to love and lead them. But because my wing was so strong as a child in my home, I know the inner turmoil that happened for them to get so shut down, right? So when they seem so oblivious and like they don't give a fuck and they are in no rush to do anything.

This is where leaning into compassion when you're loving and leading them is going to be so, so important. And I do have this for them. As frustrating as it is, a lot of crap had to go down for them to be that asleep on themselves.

Know that as you are helping them find their own thoughts and opinions and dreams, that it's going to be scary for them, them. And they're going to want to hide and they're going to want to like, hide behind under other people and kind of throw themselves into tasks that other people want. And although, you know, this is why it's so important to know the enneagram, like that might be really good behavior for somebody else, but for like a 2 and 9, a lot of times I will not let them help other people. Like for a three, I will say, I want you to help this person and be completely fully engaged. Where a two and a nine. And I've actually done this, like their homework is, is they can't be of service to somebody else right now and they get really mad. It's like taking their, their superpower away in their mind, right? But it's, it's, it's that dysfunctional part of them that really, it's like taking, you know, a shot of whiskey away from an alcoholic. Like, that's how it feels when you tell a Niner or two that they have to focus on themselves and their needs and they have to speak up and, and say, this is what I need. This is my opinion. This is what I believe. Like, it's going to be hard. So if you're loving and leading them, just know that that's going to come up and telling them, like, oh, like, don't worry about that. Like, no, they do like, but we want to really love them through that.

Nines do love themselves as much as they do love other people, but they'll allow themselves to go on this adventure of being their own person when they're healthy.

Really helping them understand that the road to peace and harmony is going to be filled and littered with conflict and disharmony sometimes. So, like framing that for them and letting them know that they're not in this alone, I know how scary that might be for you. So you're almost like saying it's going to happen and framing it. And so when it does, they'll actually learn to lean in and trust you. But if you say you're going to be there, you better be there. Whether you're loving or leading them, it's really, really important.

And I know if you're a nine, I know you don't like to admit it, but you are angry and I get it. And I was angry too when I repeatedly felt overlooked and like I didn't matter. Like that does weigh on you and it does, even if you stuff it down, it's there. And I know you've been angry for sacrifices you've made to keep the peace and hold relationships together. And, and you know, I remember as a kid in my nine wing, I think it was nine, like my parents were like, they should have been divorced, it was volatile and terrible. And I remember being nine years old and this is where that, where we speak up and have a voice. And I was the mediator from the age of four on. And I remember saying, if you guys get divorced, I will disown you. And that was like me basically saying, I have sacrificed so much to keep the peace here and you really are going to fucking do this. Like so I understand why you're angry. That was me as a nine year old, right? So imagine decades, whether this is you or, or somebody that you love and lead parent, know that they're angry for the sacrifices they've made to keep the peace and keep things together. And when they do get the urge to stand up for themselves or act on their own behalf, they don't do it. I know if you're a nine, you're afraid that you will let that stored anger out and it might actually hurt or kill somebody. So like when a nine's anger does come out, that's why it is so scary and that's why they, they shut it down. Because if it hurts somebody, you know, they can't keep the peace in the environment. I want you to know that you'll survive speaking up. And the more that you can speak up and honor your voice and honor your opinions, the less this inferno will be burning inside of you. And, and you know, as you really step into that and for those of you loving and leading them, being mindful of this, like when they do speak up and have a voice, cheer them on, I want you to imagine a beautiful little child in front of you that finally stood up for themselves or say, this is what matters to me, and cheer them on. That's how they'll start to build confidence.

And they can build on that. And they don't have to really keep slipping away from themselves. I want you all to know, like you nines out there, I see you, and your life does matter. And you aren't just here to be this facilitator of peace. You are here because you are the wise one. You are. You are the Yoda of the Enneagram. And so I want you to know that. I want you to step into your gifts. I love leading nines. You guys challenge me because you will slip back into that dark hole sometimes. But you guys can change the world. And for those of you that love and lead them, I really, really, really, like, have patience and love and tolerance. And, you know, you may come to the point where, you know, they're not willing to step into that. And that's the hard part because they are so nice and easygoing. And this is where sometimes you'll stay in a relationship or keep an employee that's a 9 around too long, is because they are nice people. There's some of the nicest people, their hearts pure.

They're not troublemakers, but we're not helping them by enabling that. And so for those of you that are nines out there that have people in your life that are pouring into you know that they believe in you. They really, really do. And.

It'S when you guys step into your voice, you have the ability to change the world. You really, really do. So that is the nine, the peacemaker. I love them. They're amazing. And if you know a nine today, go tell them that you're grateful for them, that you appreciate all the sacrifices they make. And if you are a nine, know how much you're valued. And if this. If you know a 9 or are 9, share this with somebody that needs to hear this.

I would love to hear what you felt about this. I know that this one's going to strike a chord for many of you that are maybe, like, really quiet about your opinions and things like that. But if you share this, tag me. Let me know you loved it. Or if you hated it, that too. And again, if you're not sure what type you have or you're leading or loving or you are, come find me on Instagram. Tracyomalley. Go to my website, the work with me section, traceyomally.com and I would be absolutely honored to walk this journey with you. Until then, here's to becoming bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's Become Bulletproof.