81: Eight Years Sober, and So Much More

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go. FOREIGN.

Hey. Hey. And welcome to a very special episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. Today is a special day for a lot of reasons. Because quite honestly, this podcast would not be in existence without this day.

Honestly, the person that you all have come to know would not be who she is today without this day. Yesterday, I celebrated, by the grace of God, eight years of recovery. Originally, I walked through the doors of a rehab center because the alcohol I was using to basically deal with life had created enough wreckage. It had destroyed lots of things that I cared about, hurt people that I cared about. And.

I knew that my way of doing things wasn't working. My best thinking had gotten me there. And so eight years ago was when I finally said, enough is enough. And it wasn't my first run at it, to be honest with you. And I know many of you have tuned in, gosh, almost a year now. This is episode number 81, which is crazy to me that I've spent that many hours behind the microphone, phone talking to all of you. And I've dabbled on conversation about my recovery. But, you know, my birthday, my actual birthday, birthday.

Isn'T something I ever celebrate. I just never have. My birthdays growing up, quite honestly, were pretty shitty and never celebrated. And it was just a reminder that, you know, this was my life. But to this date, September 23, 2012, was the day that, honestly, everything about my life changed. It was when I said, I need help for the first time. It was when I was willing to leave anything and everything and everyone other than my kids behind in order to change my life. And that's pretty much what I did.

You've heard me talk about this a lot. I grew up in an alcoholic home. And you know, the thing with addiction is it's a family disease. And it's usually gets passed through generations. Do I believe there's a physical disposition to it? Yeah, I do. Do I think there's an environmental disposition to it? Yeah, I do. Do I think there's an enneagram disposition to it? Yeah, I think there's some correlation in all of it. You know, nature versus nurture is a real thing. And you know, at a very young age I was very keenly aware that alcohol was something that was used not just in my home, but throughout my Irish. So it's kind of like you're born that way. And I'm not knocking any Irish, I'm being light with this. But I often joke that I was born to drink and fight as, you know, an Irish girl. But I recognize that the way that it was used in my home and around me wasn't a way that I enjoyed. It was good for a little while. Everybody was in a good mood for a little while and then it wasn't. And I always said I was not going to be like that. And it wasn't until I was 15 until I actually.

Decided to take my first drink. There's pictures of me as like a 9 or 10 month old drinking a beer and you know, fun pictures taken. And you know, today that would be like not a cool thing. But When I was 15, I was at a party and it was my friend's party and we kind of pre gamed as they like to call it these days. And I recognized that I was a little bit different. You know, I grew up. 1972, I was born. So you think about like mid-80s is when this is kind of happening. And I remembered looking around the room, it was crowded and everybody was drinking things like wine cooler and Keystone Light and Zima. I don't even think they make that anymore. And here was this girl right here with a fifth of Southern Comfort and I wasn't sharing it with anybody. And before two hours were up, I had finished it. And needless to say, my very first drinking experience was a blackout. And it scared the shit out of me. I didn't recall very much. I remembered kind of like throwing my body around.

Physically. And I woke up the next day not feeling so good about myself.

But it was like, okay, noted. I need to kind of like do this a little bit differently. And through high school there were certain moments that it got to excess and really bad things happened.

Along the way. Things that, you know, I didn't want to happen, but did. I got behind the wheel of a car, by the grace of God, didn't hurt anybody. But there was a lot of shame that I carried. And it's so weird because I knew I didn't want to be like that, but I didn't know another way. And I think so often we as parents, if you're a parent out there, we talk a good game to our children. We tell them what not to do and through our experience we talk it. But they're going to do what we do, not what we say to do. And quite honestly, that's what was modeled for me and that's how I kind of categorized myself as a strong person. Because as an enneagram ached, I pretty much compartmentalize every person I see. Not so much anymore because I'm healthy. But back in the day, before I had the tools in my tool belt that I have today, I pretty much put everybody in either the strong or the weak category. And I saw what happened to those in the weak category in my own home and in my family and in the communities I was around. And I knew that I did not want to be that. And so what I envisioned as strength was somebody who could drink, somebody who could hold their own. Even if they got into fights, they could still hold their own. And that's what happened. You know, even though I didn't like how it felt to be a product of that environment.

I witnessed lots of physical fights, but that's what I deemed as strong. So even though I had this conflict in my soul, like that's not who I am, but this is what strong is. And so I dabbled with that for a while and of course go to college and you know, it's real fun to drink the entire football and baseball team under the table as, you know, like a 5 foot 3, 130 pound girl and be the last girl standing. And I wore that as a badge of honor. I really, really did. I got away without a lot of damage during that time. But I think any damage that I did do I was drowning out in the alcohol. And it was only a social thing, it wasn't like a everyday dependency. But at the same time I was, you know, being tag teamed by, you know, dysfunctional eating, eating disorders, you know, all sorts of things going on to not feel. And that to me is what addiction really is. Anytime we are searching outside of ourself for something to either take the edge off, to cope with something, to not feel something, to feel something. You know, sometimes we lean into this stuff to feel something. But anytime we don't turn inward, you know, to that beautiful soul that We've all been given and look for something to self medicate or, or anything. You know, that's a very general opinion and description of what I think addiction is. But, you know, today I know that there is absolutely nothing outside of me besides God and the divine, that I need to deal with anything. So I don't have to lean into.

Coping mechanisms that don't serve me or my family or my relationships or things like that. So I got through college thinking, all right, I'm home free. I meet the guy I'm going to marry, I'm going to hightail it out of Chicago and get away from the environment, because environment is stronger than willpower, right? And I thought I could leave all that behind and set up shop in a new state and just be different. And to some degree, I did. And I'll never forget it. It was 1993, so I was 21 years old. I was engaged to be married. I was on my way to Arizona, and I remember a movie came out called When a Man Loves a Woman with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. And I was in the movie theater watching that, and about halfway through, I was in the fetal position in my theater seat because it was like my childhood and where I was headed as an adult all wrapped up in one. And I didn't know how to make it stop. Like, I could see the two little girls and you know, I have a sister, so it was very symbolic of that. The older daughter was very much my role. The younger, beautiful, free spirit. Ironically, her name was Casey in the movie. And that is actually where I got the name Casey for my daughter was from that movie, that little girl. But I was. It was this whole huge experience of like my childhood and my future all wrapped up into one movie. And it, to this day, it's still my favorite movie. I just watched it recently again. I've probably seen it a hundred times, but I didn't know what to do. I still didn't know what to do. And it wasn't until three years later, I was married by then and my daughter was born. And of course I knew I got a daughter. I wanted four boys. When I. When I decided I wanted a family, I wanted boys because I just knew how to deal with boys better, you know, And I knew that I would be looking into the eyes of a little girl. And it scared me. It's like, oh, shit. Like, what am I going to do? How am I going to do this? And, you know, I had had them back to back, you know, literally, she was three months old And I was pregnant again. And so I was in Arizona being a good mom, enjoying motherhood and doing the deal. And then I will never forget it. My daughter turned 4. So this is the year of 9 11, so 2001, she had turned 4. And I will never forget it. I remember looking at her and having so much rage. And she is and was the most beautiful.

Full of life, free spirited, little angel on earth. She really, really was. And she was a perfect kid. She was so easy. Like seriously, if I could have 10 like her, that's what I would do. She was perfect in every way. But I remember very distinctively looking at her with such rage and resentment. This innocent, beautiful little clone of me that got to live a life that I never did. And that's where that resentment was rooted. That little girl that still lives in me was looking at the little girl that I was raising with such anger and resentment. And it was in that moment I knew that okay, like this is going to come out in some way that this girl does not deserve. I knew the anger, the resentment had nothing to do with her. But I didn't know what to do. I did not know what to do and I didn't have the tools.

You know, as far as what was modeled to me as a mom from my own mom wasn't nurturing. It was pretty much emotionally absent. It was neglectful and abandoning and I didn't want to do that. But we do what we are modeled, taught and told. And so I was like, oh shit. My mother in law was amazing and very nurturing, but still like it was ingrained in me. And so it was when my daughter was 4, so that was 20 years ago is when my journey in personal development and recovery started that I walked into the doors of Al Anon. That's the only thing that I kind of knew could possibly help. That is a group 12 step group that helps families and loved ones that have an addict in their life. And because my dad was that and because of remembering that movie, I wasn't a very active addict. Other than my eating stuff when the kids were little, I didn't lean into alcohol at all really because I remembered what that felt like as a little girl. But you know, the dysfunctional eating was on high alert and codependency and power tripping and you know, I, I say a lot like I've had pretty much any compensatory strategy you can have other than leaning into your own intuition and inner knowing. And God is what I've pretty much explored. So I walked into the rooms of Al Anon. I remember.

Understanding that I was kind of like these people, but I remember, you know, and this is no disrespect to Al Anon people out there, but it still didn't feel like the right place for me. Right. But I did get some great nuggets in that room. I never went back. I went one time and I never went back. And I know that's not necessarily like to say it's not for you to go once and do that. So for those of you that have explored it, please go more than once. I tell people all the time, if a 12 step group is something they want to explore, then definitely do it at least five times and try different ones. But that being said, I was introduced to two books that day and two books that I have referred out. Two books that have changed my life completely. There are two books that I have helped other clients and people that I coach through. One was Codependent no More by Melody Beatty, and the other was called Perfect Daughters, which is adult daughters of alcoholics. And both of them changed my life completely. I don't remember who the author is of the Perfect Daughters, but so for the next 12 years, I would really kind of take a few steps forward in working on this and then a few back, a few forward and a few back. And about five years later, I realized that the relationship I was in, which was my marriage, was not functioning well at all. It was a very codependent, sick, toxic relationship, even though he was a very good person.

You know, and I did not know what to do. I did not, you know, the recession was on, coming on, stress in business, stressful marriage, a marriage that isn't working, a marriage that isn't thriving. All of it came to a head in 2008 and I got divorced. And that put me as a single mom trying to work a business with a husband that that wasn't working. Creating more stress and anger and resentment without tools will cause so much destruction, even if not actively using. Because in 2008 I really wasn't drinking because I knew I was going to start exploring what it felt like to be a single girl. And I was like, oh, I don't want to use alcohol in that way yet. My eating disorder had a stronghold on me. I was angry as all get out talk about resentment and no tools, no tools to navigate. I was a victim and I didn't take much responsibility in the breakdown. But looking back, it always takes two, just a little FYI. So for the next four years, it was the Rapid decline. Once I decided to attempt to date after, you know, I hadn't dated since I was 20 years old and by now I was, you know, 34. 30. No, 36. And the only way I knew how to date was like over a keg keg stand in college, right? Like that's how I knew how to date. And, and so to explore what that looked like, I needed some liquid courage. And then that excelled. Getting, shutting down my business, foreclosing my home, all the shame, all the guilt. And I ended up in a corporate job in the car industry where, you know, entertaining people was part of the protocol. And so it was almost like, if you can't fucking beat them, join them. And between the year of 2010 and 2012 was my rapid, very rapid decline into.

Tremendous alcohol abuse.

Extreme eating disordered kind of behaviors.

Anger out my ass, like ridiculous. And when I turned 40, I was in this relationship with a guy that was quite a bit younger than me. And it was toxic. He was basically a lot like my dad, good person, but just, you know, just very Jekyll and Hyde, which is what I grew up with, which is of course what I was going to end up with, right. And in the summer of 2012, I got the call from my dad, who was my active addict in my home. As far as substance goes, my mom was an active codependent in the home.

And in that summer, my dad called me and said he was diagnosed with cancer. Twelve days later he was gone. And at the time, I had decided that drinking was a problem for me because about 30 days before my dad passed away, I had run a marathon that day and then drank myself into a blackout and woke up to see the looks on my kids faces. And it was pretty scary. I could tell that I hurt them. And I didn't know, I didn't have any recollection of what I said until I looked at my phone and all the shit. And so that day, it was June of 2012, I decided to get help. And it was the first time ever I'd walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and was handed my first big book, aa, and got my first few phone numbers from people that were sober and had, you know, recovery under their belt. And they were laughing and living life. And I couldn't understand like how that was possible because my whole life I could never imagine a life without alcohol. I mean, I grew up with it. It's what I knew. I'm Irish, for crying out loud. But then when my dad died, I was able to kind of White knuckle my way through it for the next six weeks. Not that I really wanted to drink, because I really didn't. The desire to Dr. Wasn't there, but the desire to not feel was. And that is the problem with taking a substance or taking a behavior or taking any of our compensatory strategies away without diving into why we do it, right? And so at the six week mark, 111 days into not drinking, I decided to go to Vegas with the boyfriend. And yeah, I was off to the races. So needless to say, in Vegas, sitting on the curb after jumping out of a moving cab on Las Vegas Boulevard, Tracy decided that, you know what, I need to do this a different way and I need to ask for help. And.

I knew that I needed to leave whatever, whoever behind in order to change my life because my kids deserved better. And if I was repeating this, even though it was the last thing I wanted, I knew my kids would too. And so on September 23, I decided that was it. And I walked back into the rooms of aa. I got a sponsor. I did what I was told to do and what was suggested to me. I started working some steps and I was feeling relief. And, you know, I didn't think that I would have to shed as much as I did. I got rid of a lot of people, places and things, but I was kind of still holding on to the relationship. I was kind of still holding to holding on to a few of my friends. But it was just a matter of time before that environment was just too much. And, you know, I heard things like, you're not the same person. You're not fun. Fights would be started. And of course, since I remembered everything at this point, I couldn't be blamed for them. And, you know, those relationships, other than my children, I released every relationship in my life. My closest friends, the boyfriend, everyone. And I remember the kids looking at me. And I was about six months sober at this point. I was in the middle of my fourth step, which is usually where most people relapse if they're working steps. And, you know, it's where we kind of take that moral inventory and personal inventory where we kind of like expose all the stuff that, you know, we have buried in shame and alcohol and food and resentment. And this is where we take accountability. And all this blew up in my life when I was in the middle of that. And I remember my kids looking at me like, oh shit, like, how is she going to handle this? And, you know, I remember turning and looking at them with a broken heart. Like, I was hurt. I. I was scared because I only knew one way. But I knew that one way wasn't for me or them anymore. And I looked them both in the eyes and I said, you know what? I don't know how, but I know why we're going to be okay. And, you know, stick with me and I've got us. And, you know, thank you for trusting me up to this point and I promise I won't do you wrong. And so for the next eight years, recovery was the thing I put in front of everything. And I heard something in recovery early on and I believe this, that anything I put in front of that, I'm going to lose. Now, recovery today, my opinion of what recovery looks like in order for you to recover is very different than it was eight years ago. And this is one of the things that I think is really, really important to point out, whether it's about recovery or sobriety or anything, is as we grow and evolve, you know, what we stood for, and if we were rigid in our thoughts and our ways back then, or if we believed something so strongly back then, just because we change our mind doesn't mean we didn't feel that strong back then. You know, when we know better, we do better. When we grow, we evolve. And you know, back then I believed the only way to stay Sober was through 12 step program. And it worked very well for me. There were some things I didn't like about it and I also started to push back because at the same time I started building a network marketing business. You guys have heard that if you've been following along for any length of time, I started my network marketing business on the morning that I picked up my six month sobriety chip with no social network, that single mom that went to rehab decided that network marketing was going to be something. She gave a shot.

Everything on paper said I wouldn't succeed. But I knew one of the things I learned in recovery was we practice these principles in all of our affairs, meaning, you know, taking an inventory, personal accountability, ownership, you know, the things that don't necessarily have to come from a 12 step program, but for me at the time it did. And I practiced those principles and everything I did, personal integrity, everything that I did was in integrity. And if I was wrong, I would admit it. If I was doing something for a place, from a place of selfishness or ego, I quickly corrected it. And when I was needing to apologize for something I did, which by the way, is not something I ever did before this. And very quickly I could See how drawn people were to me, because there was this what you see is what you get energy about me. There was no bullshit to hide. I had put it all out there. And that's kind of where this kind of goes a different way as far as how I chose to recover, because in the. The AA community.

You know, AA is Alcoholics Anonymous. And I chose to break my anonymity. And there were some people that were supportive of it, and there were many in that community that thought or assumed or judged that I was breaking my anonymity in order to make money, which is a big no, no according to the traditions of it. And I.

Absolutely. That was not my reasoning for breaking my anonymity. My reason for it was I was pissed off that not more healthy, strong people were talking about it, because had I seen a strong, powerful, independent woman talking about it, maybe I would have looked into getting help sooner. And that was my motivation for speaking out loud and breaking my anonymity. Did it attract people into my business and life? Yeah. But that was not my motive. And you know what? At the end of the day, and this is what's so fucking important, you know, everything that I do, every motive I have comes from love and compassion and empathy and service and how people choose to judge that is none of my business. And I don't have to defend it. I don't.

And I maintain that. So if you are putting so much energy in defending yourself, you may want to check your motive, because if you have to defend it, maybe there is something to defend. And I knew that between God in me, I was good. And I really don't care. I really don't care who judges my motives, because I know what is true. I really do. And I check myself daily, and there are moments that I'm about to do something that I know is ego and not in integrity, and I stop it before I actually do it. So, you know, just a little asterisk there. I do run it through the filter before I do anything or say anything, but I remember I was about a year sober, and, you know, my business was starting to take off, and I was building a very large community very, very quickly from scratch. It was me and my cat and my kids at first. And my community was building very, very quickly because people were drawn to this way that I was living, not just through my health journey, but through my emotional journey. Because as much as I was working with a product line that I loved, I equally was piggybacking it with my recovery and living my truth and. And speaking that into existence for other people. Because I know, like, if we don't get to the root of why we do things, it's just a matter of time before we go back to what we know, even if we don't want it. And that's why people were having the success they were, and they were excited about life and exciting about building a network marketing business. And I remember my sponsor telling me at the time, and mind you, she had close to 30 years of experience, so, like, clearly she knows how to stay sober. But I also recognized she wasn't the happiest person in the world and she was kind of judgy. And I remember her saying to me that what I was doing wasn't. Didn't count as my 12th step of service, because the 12th step in AA was, you know, we carry the message onto others and be of service. And I denied completely. Like I had. I had been a sponsor, sponsor for other people. And I knew my reach in service and recovery went well beyond the rooms of aa. And I fought her on it. And that was when I decided that I was going to pull away from that community. I still believe it's a beautiful, beautiful way to recover. I suggest it very often because I think it is very structured and helpful for some people. But at the rate that I was excelling emotionally, I knew that that room was too small for where I was headed. And I don't mean that from a place of cockiness or ego or that I didn't give it a fair shot, because I did and I loved it and I 100% needed it in the beginning. But, you know, as I've evolved, I do real. And I used to judge people that said they were sober but weren't in that kind of community. And I said, you're just dry. I was one of those. And it was ignorant and I didn't know better, and it was what I was told right in those rooms sometimes. And so, you know, through my own kind of humble.

Experience there, I started to look at ways to recover. And I helped many people through recovery. Not through that.

But always, always, always taking that inventory and really uncovering the wreckage that we have. Right?

Because I do believe that that's the most important part to not just not using a substance, not just having a compensatory strategy that's outside of us, but when we can understand, have an awareness that it's first of all there, that's the first step, right? First rule in any kind of recovery, whether it's emotional sobriety, which is the real Win or a substance or a behavior, whatever, you have to be aware of it. And I think most of us today, with what's available to us on the Internet and in the world and social media, we have an awareness that is unmatched than from decades before. But the real problem and the breakdown that happens is a lot of times they'll go from awareness to different action awareness to different action. And although that might work for a short amount of time, very, very, very rarely, almost never is it sustainable because we are kind of just slapping a band aid on it. The pain is great enough that we need something to change, whether it's through food, whether it's through alcohol or drugs or codependency or toxic behaviors or toxic relationships, food, you name it. Internet use, porn, sex, all of it, right? If we have the awareness that it's a problem, we've caused some pain to ourselves or others, or, you know, we've had some losses, and all of a sudden we just go into corrective action. We're missing the point. And that isn't recovery, in my opinion. Now, how we get to that middle, middle part of acknowledgment, acknowledgement, it's like the wilderness, right? Recovery is the holy grail. Like being in recovery. I always, I do believe that we're always in a constant state of recovery. And you know, that that rock bottom pit moment is that awareness. Like, oh, shit. Clearly my best thinking has gotten me here. But in the wilderness of acknowledgement and really unpacking it and you know, connecting the dots, that's where the true recovery happens. And it's one thing to collect a chip and say I haven't drank or used alcohol or a drug or whatever for X amount of days. You know, at the eight year mark there, that's a lot of consecutive days. I think it's close to 3,000 or right around there, if I'm not mistaken. That's great. That's all fine and good, but that isn't what's exciting. It's the wilderness in which all the good stuff happens. That's the willingness to acknowledge my part in a lot of these things. Did bad things happen? Yes. Were things modeled for me that I shouldn't have been exposed to? Yes. Was. Was my home life very, very toxic growing up? Yes. Was I not protected? Absolutely. I was not. Was I abandoned and neglected? Yes. Was I abused? Yes. Did I have fun at times? Yes. All the things and all those little puzzle pieces have to be looked at in order to make sense of the puzzle that is your Life when shit has hit the fan and even if you are holding it together and you're a high functioning whatever you want to call yourself.

Which I was very high functioning, believe it or not. I held down a job. I didn't miss work. I could put food on the table, I could pay the bills. Yeah, I was a shit show sometimes, but I got shit done. And I wasn't chemically dependent on it every day. So that was part of the problem, right? But I got to the point where, you know, I knew the action to take. I knew I could stop drinking. I'd done it several times throughout my life. For periods of time, I knew there was a problem, but when the pain stopped, I dismissed it. Right? But that disconnect in the center is that acknowledgement. And that's where the real work begins. It's where it's hard. It's where shame for stuff that has happened or we've done that is there, that becomes so painful that it's like, fuck it, I need to go back to not feeling this. But when you stay in the wilderness and look at it through the eyes of love and compassion, and this is honestly why I got into the enneagram when I was in rehab. My therapist exposed me to it on day one. And it really made being in the wilderness and acknowledging where all this came from, my part, the things that were done to me, around me.

Made it not so hard to look at. And I think that when we are willing to take a look at all the parts and our responsibility. Because although bad things happened to me when I was an innocent little kid.

When I became into adulthood, I have the choice to learn a different way, right? And I tried a couple times, but I wasn't really buying into that. I needed to change all that much. And it was one of those moments where I am going to stay in this wilderness until. Until. And quite honestly, I visit the wilderness quite often because there's always acknowledging why we do the way, why we do things the way we do. And I'm so grateful for the wilderness. It's lonely sometimes it's quiet and sometimes it's very loud. But it's when we can make sense of things. It's really where we can take ownership. And the good thing about taking ownership is nobody can take it from us. Even if owning what we have to own is hard, at least we can be in control of that and how we choose to move forward, whether it's through a 12 step program or another modality, or working one on one with somebody who has what you want. I definitely encourage you that if you have a problem with any kind of addiction, whether it's in behaviors or substances or whatever, that you find somebody that will help you. I don't believe anybody should do this or can do this all alone. We were built for community as human beings. We were built for intimacy and connection. And this is one of the most intimate, connecting, vulnerable things you'll ever do. And vulnerability is the superpower of all great things, quite honestly. But.

Be brave. Be brave and be willing to stay in the wilderness. Although it still scares me sometimes to go there. Because once I go there, I'm going to have to own up to something or really uncover why I do the things I do or react the way I react or shut down the way I shut down or isolate the way I do. Because I mean, I'm human, I still can go there. But it's in the wilderness that we find the answers. But you have to be willing to look. We have to be aware. We have to acknowledge where this was rooted from. And then we have to take different action. Now the biggest, most important piece to all of this when we go into the wilderness is to look through the. Look at it through the eyes of compassion and love. Not judgment, not guilt, not shame, not resentment. Because judgment, guilt, shame and resentment will rob you of joy. Period. End of story. It will rob you of transformation. It will rob you of emotional sobriety. It will rob you of loving relationships and breaking generational patterns and breaking cycles for your own children.

Only through compassion, love, openness, honesty, vulnerability, and knowing that, yes, we may have done some things that were pretty shitty and horrible, I have things that. Not proud of. Nope. But I, because I look at it through the eyes of compassion, love, acceptance.

And vulnerability, I recognize a girl at that time that was just doing what she could to survive. And if you had a little girl sitting in front of you, which if you've heard me talk before, I talk about the four year old in me. I keep a picture of her close by that. Whenever I want to go into the shame pit and the crazy train and the cycle of destruction, I'm reminded that that little girl was resilient as fuck to get through this. And I am not going to bail on her. Not in the wilderness, not on my watch. And you know, it's in that wilderness is where I'm able to transform my life over and over and fucking over again. Not just by not picking up a drink or being active in dysfunctional eating or anger or codependency. Those are Great things, like, they're great. But the real win is the connections that I make with my own children, the cycles that I've broken with them, the loving friendships that I have today, the love I have in my life, me today. Does it mean my family, my extended family figured it out and got their shit together around me or was rallying me? No. No. Quite honestly, the opposite has happened. I've been abandoned by a lot of my family. I know they mean well. I know that they love me. But I am not going to subject me or that little girl that still lives inside me to that kind of thing again. And there's a grieving process, but I can walk through grief in that wilderness today because I have the tools of recovery.

You know, I know, especially with the world the way it is, the. The heat that is on 2020, through a pandemic, through racial fighting, through political craziness, through left versus right and anger and all of it. My phone has been blowing up. And although in business that's a good thing and I appreciate every day. I'm grateful to be able to do what I do for work through my network marketing business and through my coaching business and speaking business. I'm grateful for that. But my phone is ringing because people are imploding because these coping mechanisms are getting the best of them and their families and the things that are important to them. And you don't have to do this alone. I know I couldn't. And I know having a guide take you through the wilderness is how you have a better shot at really recovering and staying in recovery. Recovery is something I used to judge. People had a problem that they couldn't handle. And I was the girl that could handle anything. And I still can handle anything. But not from a place of fear today. It's from a place of courage and vulnerability and strength and a willingness to do what it takes every day and to own it. And if you are one of those people that are struggling, obviously it's not something I talk about very much, but I do one on one coaching with people and can take you through that process. It's not easy. It is an investment. But, you know, I know that it's got to hurt a little bit in order for us to really take things seriously.

You know, I'm all about the emotional sobriety. The substance, the behavior is just a symptom of a deeper problem.

Of what we find in the wilderness. I don't know, you have to be willing to go there, stay there, to really look at it. And I can't do that for you. But I will tell you this, that I have. I reside there a lot, and I'm always grateful for it, even when it scares me. I'm in a part of the wilderness right now. I haven't visited before, and it's hard and it's scary, and I'm staying in it. And I am willing to do whatever it takes to continue to recover in all areas of my life, not just with the substances and the behaviors, but in my health, in my parenting, in my friendships, in my partnerships, in my life, my love, my business. Because when I am in integrity in every area of my life, I can stand strong in the business that I run today and know that what you see is what you get. You can see me anywhere in the world, any location, and I'm going to be exactly the same person. And that is recovery at its best. So I know that.

You may not think that there's a problem, and I get that. And it may not be. Not everybody who drinks has a problem. I will ask you, like, why do you. You know, there's not much good that comes out of it. It can be a lot of fun in there. I do miss some of that sometimes, because it is fun until it isn't. But, you know, when you. When I look at when I drank and it was not a problem, it was because of the mindset and the reason I went into it. But there were times I went into it to not feel or to feel, and that's usually when all hell would break loose. But if you are one of those that feel like you can't do this alone, maybe you've tried other ways, maybe you've tried it on your own.

Maybe it does need to hurt a little bit and you need somebody to really hold you accountable, somebody that can see through every ounce of bullshit known to man between recovery tools, between. I mean, the reason I can see through bullshit is because I have to see through my own every day. And seeing through our own bullshit every day is harder than anything else in the world. And because I've mastered it with myself, it's why I can look at so many of you guys and you're like, oh, shit, she sees me. And yes, I do. I see all the beautiful parts of you that you're hiding under, the shame that you are hiding under, things that don't serve you, that you are trying to stuff down that so badly want to get out. And I am here to help if you feel like you need to get things under control right now. I do highly Recommend. You know, a good starting point is to get into a recovery meeting. They have them all over the world at all times of day. If you're a woman, get to a woman's meeting, lean in, Start somewhere. Those are free, right? Those are free. Start somewhere. Admit that, like, what you're doing isn't working, and then be unconditionally committed to every day. Every day. Taking a look at why you do the way, why you do what you do, not just what you do and not. What can I do to change it?

My two favorite parts of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, one are the promises, which are on 83, page 83 and 84. And it was one of the promises that I read. I was a few days into rehab, and this is so important. This really propelled me into what I do today, eight years later. One of the promises read, no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. And I remember looking at that, crying and thinking, how would that be possible for a girl like me? How will anything that I do benefit anybody? How will any of this benefit anybody? But I believed it. And it's because of that believing that that's why I am the person I am today, you know, and my story over and over, and all the different ways I've shared it and the many times I've shared it and different parts of it and all the parts of the wilderness.

No matter how far down the scale I had gone, and I'd gotten pretty low, my experience is benefiting others, and the ripple effect is in the millions at this point. So I want you to know that I know you might feel pretty low right now.

But there is. There is a divine plan for you, if you choose to not only be aware, but step into the wilderness and be unconditionally committed to looking at it. And the last thing that I want to say is this, that, you know, we've heard of the cliches of recovery, you know, like, one day at a time. And, like, all of that's really great and whatever, you know, it's not the only way. But one of the things that stuck with me is that we are not cured. We're never there. Right. I think that once we decide to do the work, personal development or recovery, whatever you want to call it, personal development is just recovery in a lot of ways, just FYI, in my opinion. But we are not cured. We are never arriving. What we have is a daily reprieve that is contingent on the maintenance of our Spiritual condition is a spiritual condition that will take us down. And it's not just getting there, it's the maintenance. It's just like with anything, if you don't maintain it, it's going to fall apart. And being unconditionally committed to this daily reprieve that we get will have you living in gratitude, will have you not miss the miracles that are in front of you, will allow you to not be stuck so much in the past, nor be anxious about the future. But you will be able to really be grateful and proud and courageous in the everyday moments. And if you are a parent.

I can't say this enough how important this is, because I know so many of you, even if you're very high functioning and you don't even have a problem with a substance. But we carry things from parts of our childhood that aren't always great and those will get repeated if we don't repair it. And the greatest repairing we can do is through some kind of recovery through the wilderness. And you know, by the grace of God, I am here, eight years sober, never thought this hundred percent Irish girl could do that, ever. Nor that I would be fun or thriving or social. And I'm all those things I am grateful for every, every single day. Even the hard ones, even the painful events. And you know, especially over the last few years, year and a half, it has been the hardest 18 months of my life. Without question. And thankfully, because of the tools of my recovery system and my recovery program and my.

My willingness to stay in the wilderness and really explore all of it, I have not stayed a victim in it. I've had to grieve, I've had to feel hard things and I've been able to grow through it. And that is a miracle. And because I can show up in my life, even in the pain, even in tragedy, even in loss and horrible things that have happened in the last 18 months, because I'm able to use my tools and show up, I'm able to make an impact on others. And the ripple effect and the compound effect of that will go on for generations that I will never see. And honestly, if my time gets called tomorrow and my time on earth is done, I could not be more proud of the person I am today. I'm not. I could not be more proud of the mother I am today, of the friend I am today.

Of the partner I am today. And that is not something I've ever been able to say about myself. I look in the mirror today and I like what I see. Not just physically But. But you know what? I'm a damn good human being. And that is because I am willing every single day to do the work, that daily reprieve and that spiritual maintenance. I am always on it. And until my time is done, that will be part of my process. And if you need to lean into that kind of process, reach out. If it's not with me, I can maybe direct you in a way that will serve you. But you have to be willing. You have to be willing to say, like, what I'm doing isn't working anymore and I'm willing to let go of whatever I need to to have the life that I want and to change things. I had to let go and grieve a lot of people, places and things, and their part of my story was over. And they were all part of the story and important parts. Even the ones who really, really hurt me and even the ones I really, really hurt, right? They were all part of the process to get me to who I am today. So, you know, I'm grateful for it all. I'm grateful for the journey. And I know that one day, especially if you're in a hard place, that you can be grateful for it all too. So if you need some assistance in that area, please reach out@traceyomalley.com in the work with me section. Go to the one on one coaching application or if you have questions, maybe for some free resources or books, I would recommend you can hit me up on Instagram. Tracyomalley if you are in crisis, get to a meeting. That's seriously a beautiful way to just start and be around people because isolation will take you out. And at least in a meeting of people who are committed to a process of getting to a place of that daily reprieve.

In community and in the center of the pack, at least will keep some of the crazy out of your head. And I was so grateful for that. And I just want you all to know I'm thinking about you. These are hard times we're living in and I can't imagine how this would look 10 years ago for me without the work I've done on myself and with other people. So know that this, this does get better.

The right people show up and the right people walk out. So until next time, you all, I'm thinking about you. And here's to becoming bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me. So I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram at traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.