83: The Enneagram, integrity, and coaching, with Courtney Baker (enneagram 5)

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And this is a very, very, very special episode for me. I met this beautiful woman, gosh, two years ago now. Wow. I knew of her about two and a half years ago. It was the summer of 2018. I got wind of who this chick was and I'm not even sure quite honestly how she ended up on my radar, but all of a sudden I a girl that resembled me about two decades ago and very strong and fierce and could write like nobody's business and had a lot of dark, but had come out of a lot of that, but I could still see there was something and I reached out to her. And you guys know that I don't throw around compliments very easily at all. However, I felt really called to tell this girl how special I thought she was. And she's probably like, who the fuck is this chick? Like, crazy stalker lady.

But we ended up connecting and we ended up finally, you know, we interacted via the DMS and all of that. And then it was in the fall of that same year we ended up connecting. I happened to be in California and she was living there at the time and. Or visiting. She was visiting at the time and we just happened to be in the same place and we ended up going to dinner and immediately we both knew why we were here. And of course she was 28 years old at the time, which if you've been following along for any length of time, you know, that was the age that I started to do my deep dive into the real work. Wasn't super consistent, clearly, but that was the age that I was and I was sitting across from this beautiful soul that reminded me why I do what I do. And she is an amazing, incredible business coach. She's one of Two that I actually refer to people too because she's that good. She's been in the industry of coaching when since she was 18. So like, like right when the Internet was starting is when she was doing this. And she's worked for some high level people behind the scenes work. She's an enneagram 5 so she likes to be behind the scenes. But only recently in the last two years has she really stood on the front line of her life doing this. But you know, she's been behind the scenes for people like, you know, Marie Forleo and Gabby, like pre who they are today. She was on the back end of those teams really doing a lot of the work. So she's very masterful as a coach. And I could see the darkness that was creeping in making her just a good coach when I could see so much greatness in her and I knew that's why I was called to her life. And Courtney Baker.

I get choked up just thinking about you because I knew that you were also here to teach me a lot too and to heal some parts of me that.

Needed it.

And also give a voice to that part of me that was so like wanting to change but didn't have a me when I was 28. And that's why it took another 12 years for me to hit rock bottom. And sitting in front of you, I knew that this was a way to give life to somebody who had it all. You do, you always did, but just somebody to guide you to that process. Without judgment, but nothing but love and compassion because I could see the greatness in you. And even though you were already pretty dam good at what you did, I knew that it didn't let you up. And so that's how Courtney and I met. And we ended up working together for gosh, the next year or so, deep diving into the real shit. So I want you all to meet my dear, dear friend, like family to not just be me to my kids as well. They love her like family as well and one of the best business coaches there are without question. And yeah, we're going to have a great conversation about what it takes to go from good coach to great coach and one that actually fucking loves what she does today. Hi.

Hi.

This is why I brought the tissues because I knew this would happen.

Are you sweating because you always get sweaty when we start talking?

Yeah. Can you feel my heart racing now? Thank you for that. I love you. And yeah, the part where you always say, I wish I had a me when I was 28 and I'm so lucky and grateful to say that I did have a you. I had you, and it changed everything. And so I'm excited. I'm excited to tell a story publicly and let people in on what it really looks like to work with you and see the result of how that's changed my life and the life of my own clients, too.

So I have this.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Thanks for allowing me to walk alongside you on your journey. Not just for you, but also for me. And I know that I disclosed that to you early on, that this was as much for me as it was for you. I feel really privileged that you let me do that with you, for me and for you.

So I get this a lot. When people meet me, they're either, like, super drawn to me or, like, holy shit, you scare me and run the other way. And I know when we finally met in person, we're sitting at that little vegan restaurant in California, right? It was like the first time we met. What was your first like? Because I like, you were drawn to me, obviously, but equally probably scared of me. Like, what was going through your mind as you're like, oh, fuck, like, I'm about to do the work.

Well, okay, so let me back it up. Before that night that we went out, because I had seen you on social media, on Facebook, and lovingly, I had seen you commenting and liking my stuff, and we'd had some interactions, but I was like, who is this person? Sure. Okay. I didn't really care, which was very reflective of who I was at that time, but. And then, you know, you would send me messages and, you know, I'd be nice back and. But I was just not interested in anyone, like, friends, connections, anything. So by the time that we finally met up in person, I was, like, kind of into it. I was like, I should go. And my soul knew. I was like, I need to meet up with her.

Well, I think I had sent some clients your way.

Even, like, yeah, you did.

Why the hell are you any me people? You don't even know what I do. But yeah.

And my attitude was like, well, cool. Thanks. You know, I was like, do you want an affiliate cut? Like, what do you want to do? Why are you doing this? And you're like, don't just think it's good. And I was like, weird. Okay. So by the time we finally matched paths and we could go out to dinner, I purely did it with my intention. What I could accept at that time was, okay, well, she sent me clients. I should go meet her. Maybe It's a good business networking thing. And that was it. I didn't know I went in blind, but looking back, my soul knew that something was supposed to happen. And I picked you up, we went to dinner and sat down at that tiny little table. And it was like the room cleared and it was a busy night. I think it was like Saturday night somewhere on the beach in California. It was packed. And I felt I had that moment where everything stopped, Time stopped. And I was like, oh, I don't know who this is, but my life's about to change completely. Which was the first time I had ever felt that or had a concept of when you meet someone your soul knows that's going to change your life into an entirely different way of being. Like, I. I knew it, but I didn't have a concept of what was happening. Does that make sense?

Oh, I've had that experience only four times in my life, so I do know it very, very well. And it is almost like I explain it like this and, you know, like the old, I'm dating myself, I don't even know if you were alive yet. But, like, the old TV shows and stuff where, like, the entire scene would freeze, all the people in the room would freeze. But, like, the two people that the story was about, like, the world stopped and, like, this big light comes down. Like, I've had that experience only four times in my life, and it's very real. And all four times that has happened have been very pivotal people that I was like. I had the same experience where, like, okay, I'm really drawn to whatever this is supposed to be, but I'm equally like, nothing's gonna be the same after this.

Yeah, I remember driving home after we had dinner, which turned into like three, four hours, I don't even remember. And I had about an hour and a half drive back down to San Diego. I remember saying to a friend, I was like, I feel high. I'm high right now. Like, sober as could be. But I was like, I feel like I'm not even here. I floated home, barely remember driving. I just. And there was nothing really to think about other than the conversation. But just in that conversation, you saw all of me. Everything I said, you were like, yep. And you do this, and I bet you're this way, and I bet you're that way. And my eyes, like, I'm sure you just saw on the other side of the table, they were just bulging out of my face. For someone to see me that clearly and recognize all the things, well, I.

Gotta say, Your poker face was pretty good.

Nice.

As far as revealing that. But I could feel the energy. And I could also feel like. Like, this is cool to be seen after 28 years of really kind of masking that with all sorts of stuff. But also, like, okay, this is really scary, too. And I know. Like, I remember sitting across from you knowing, like, okay, my life's not. Not going to be the same after this, too. Like, I knew I was here for you, but I also knew that you were here for me and this was coming full circle. So we go home, I come back to Arizona. You go back to your places. And then it was around Thanksgiving, I think, so we met in October, and then I think it was like, Thanksgiving. We're like, okay. Like, I know you're great at what you do, and I can tell that you don't love it. Even when we were talking, like, I'm telling you guys, like, masterful coach. And. But, like, when she said she met me, it's like, yeah, I don't really care. And she didn't. So what was that about? Because I know. And this is so not in judgment of. You knew that I wasn't judging you or them. Anybody out there. But I think, especially in the world the way it is today, this kind of thing is getting exposed left and right because we need people and coaches that are in integrity and are doing it because they actually care.

When did you realize? I mean, you knew. You didn't give a shit in some ways. But what was that whole thing about? Because there are people that want to make a pivot in their business, whether it's as a coach or whatever, but they're afraid they'll disrupt their income. Because you were. When we met, you were coming off like you'd already made a hundred thousand dollars in, like, two months. Yeah. Like, you were cranking it, and your ego is like, fuck, yeah, I've arrived. But your soul is like, fuck, no, I hate this. And there are so many people that are afraid to do the work because they don't want to disrupt their ego and their income. So what would you say to those people? We stirred a lot of shit up.

I mean, the thing with me is I met my limit. Thank God my limit was fairly low in regards of, like, how much money could you make as a coach and being an entrepreneur? And, you know, we think millions upon millions, and only then someone would realize that they're miserable. Luckily for me, it was that first year of really coming back online. And, you know, that was true. I was making really Good money. But I. Once I made enough money that I wasn't struggling or I could really basically do anything I wanted. The drive to run a business kind of left me. The drive to coach clients kind of left me. And nothing felt fulfilling anymore. Everything felt flat. Even. Even meeting people felt flat. Everything kind of just felt flat. And I didn't understand. And I kept saying to myself, I was supposed to feel something. There's something more to that. Like, why isn't this more? I'm supposed to be excited. Like, you know, so and so. Or this person felt blah, blah, blah, and they just looked like, you know, sunshine blasting out of them. And I'm like, okay, cool. I made this money. I have this business. And so I had shame around that too. And I would tell a select few people, like, hey, I don't really like coaching. I'm good at it, and I can do it, and it's fine. And I'd rather do this than anything else, but I'm not sitting over here. I don't have that feeling that you guys are talking about.

So I knew something was wrong. And for me, I'm truly not money motivated. I am a little bit, but I'm not. And so as soon as I had enough to quote, unquote, survive or be comfy, that's where I was. Like, some. Something's wrong. And I had been searching for someone to, like, give me the answer, and I was talking about it behind the scenes, but I didn't. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought it was something I would. Thought I was broken until you saw it and you were like, oh, this is what's happening, isn't it?

Mm.

So go ahead.

I think what you said was. Is part of the problem not just in what you were kind of like, going down, like, something's wrong with me thing. But I think what you said about this person feels XYZ when they do this, and this person, like, it's like butterflies and fucking rainbows. And they love coaching and what's wrong with me? And, you know, I know there's a lot of moms and stuff out there that, like, you know, the Pinterest mom and, like, I want to throat punch my child. Like, what's wrong with me? Like, it's the same kind of thing. But I think when we hear about imposter syndrome and how this kind of creeps in, like, well, who the fuck am I to do this if I don't even love it? Or who the hell am I to do this if it's not sunshine and rainbows. And I think, like, exposing that for what it is and recognizing there's nothing wrong with you, but there's some stuff we got to work on is kind of where we got, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Because years ago, I used to market myself purely as a strategy in sales, and if you look at my stuff online, that is still the bulk, and I love coaching on that. But I. People come to me and say, I'm struggling with mindset. Can you help me with that? And I'd say, nope, move along. Like, straight up, take your money, go somewhere else. I'm not doing it. I don't do mindset coaching. One, because I had no tolerance for it. Deep down, I really had no experience in it. And three, it felt too slow for me, so I wasn't interested in doing it. But I also knew that I was lacking in something more, so I. Here's the thing. Imposter syndrome. A lot of people will think imposter syndrome means you feel not good enough or that you're a complete fraud, which, yes, true. That's some of that. I was pretty cocky and confident in my skills. I am a good business coach. I know what I'm doing. And they, you know, I did. I was good at what I did to a certain extent. But then I'd watch the other people in the industry doing what I do or doing their version of it, and they were happy and having fun, and they just glowed, and they were magnetic, and I had no idea. And I remember describing this of, like, I feel like they see a color in the rainbow that I've never experienced before, and I can't see it. I can't even conceptualize it. It's something I don't even understand because I know I'm a good coach, but I just don't get it. So how do I be like them? And so that's where I was like, yeah, okay, I can tell I'm different. I can tell I'm not as good as them, but I don't know what it was. And that's when you were like, okay, I'll teach you. And I had no clue what you meant by that.

You know when you just said, like, I'm not that good, like, no. You and I both know with working with lots of coaches that those coaches that are, you know, shitting the rainbows and lit up. Not all of them. I mean, a lot of them love what they do. But there is a dark side to all of this. There is. Especially when we are taking people to the next level. We have to do a gut check. Or like, can I actually take them there? Or am I just taking their money and selling them a promise? Or. And this is, I know this for, with all of my being. This is why I'm so great at what I do. Because I do walk that talk. And you know, being almost 50 helps too, because I do have a lot of experience of life under my belt. And like, recognizing that, okay, this, there is something different about you and there is something different about me. And it's this dark side that we actually feel very comfortable in. And you had like, one of the things that I was drawn to is your storytelling about the dark parts. And it's no surprise to me that people were drawn to you and asking for mindset coaching when you're exposing the darkness because that's what people struggle with. But nobody really wants to fucking talk about it. They'd rather say, be my business coach, but like, let's not touch that.

Yep.

And you and I have had a lot of conversation about the dark side and knowing that we don't have to grow.

In the drama or in the chaos or blowing shit up. I mean, we, that should be our hashtag. Like we don't have to blow shit up to grow.

And it's fun, but I don't play that game well.

It's fun because we know it operates like a slingshot because the farther back we pull ourselves into the depths of hell, the further will throttle forward. And that's part of the problem with the self sabotage game. Or just like the darkness, like loving parts, like it's, it's really hard. So sometimes we hold on to the darkness. Not just for the ability to maybe not focus on some of the beautiful parts, but also there is a payoff in pulling that thing way back because we know, you know, how far forward we can go. I mean, look at you come out of, out of the darkness for almost a decade and then, you know, you have this six figure launch pretty much in the summer, easy. And it was a piece of cake and you didn't even care and you didn't even really love it. And it was easy. And that almost feeds into not doing some of this deeper work. But I think you had hit the point where it's like, okay, I'm good at what I do. And you are like, I've said this, like one of two business coaches I'll actually recommend. And you knew that if you didn't find some kind of joy in this, you know what that dark side could lead you to.

Yeah, well, my whole life being in the darkness, it really did. It's. It's very dramatic to say it in this way, but I did spend 28 years searching to feel anything light, anything good. And yes, I had a beautiful life. I had a good childhood. I had experiences, and I did so many things. There's so many things trying to feel light and good. And I thought the money and the business and the coaching was gonna be it because I had tried everything else. I lived in a van, I went to Buddhist retreat centers, I moved to California multiple times. I've done all the things. And so this was supposed to be it. And so priority for me was, I want to feel good, I want to feel light, I want to feel happy, I want to feel joy. I think I have felt those things, but I really hadn't to the fullest extent. And after that didn't happen, money was never enough for me. It wasn't that there was never enough money. Money would never be enough. So therefore, I was willing to look at it and say, okay, what? Well, what is this? Right? And so if we're constantly going through these latter rungs of life, like achievements of get the car, get the house, get the money, get the fame, get the clients, get the business, whatever it may be, Once you've kind of gotten through those things, you kind of look around, you're like, well, what now? What is it? And I felt like I kind of hyper sped that process up through my life of just constantly searching. And it really did become. I started looking around, I'm like, okay, well, what are these people saying? It's the personal growth work. It's the quote, unquote, the work. And I was like, yeah, I did the work, though.

Done.

Check mark. I went to therapy for 12 years. I had 11 therapists I went to, and I could say those things and my ego loved it and thought I was safe until I think you said something like, well, how's that working for you? And I hate when you say that with love, because then I'm like, well, it's not working.

Okay, fine, whatever. Fuck you, you.

But. But it was true. It's, you know, those 11 years of therapy and blah, blah, blah, inner child work that I said I did wasn't working. So clearly there was more to do. And that's where everything shifted for me. And that's where everything shifted in the business. So the more that I dove into this harder work, which and I feel is unique for every single person, depending on their own life of what they have to unravel because I started doing that work, I became a better coach. And when I became a better coach, I started caring more, and that's where I had more fulfillment.

Mm. So one of the things that you said, like, I went through nine therapists, and every single therapist that I had told me I should be a therapist. And it became a codependent relationship where they started, like, unloading on me a little bit. I was like, what the fuck? Like, I can manipulate the shit at therapists, so, like, who the hell is going to help me? Right? And, you know, I've had lots of money, and then I lost lots of money, and then I built up millions of dollars, and then it's like, the same thing as you. And I think that's what I kind of recognized in you is, like, you have the skills. I have the skills. I can make shit happen. No question about it. Like, back me up against the wall. I'll make shit happen. Like, and there has to be more to life than this. Like, where is. Who's going to teach me this fulfillment? And, you know, although I do have a very good therapist, there's something to be said when somebody's sitting across from you and says, I understand, because I've been there where a therapist. You don't know. You don't get that. And I'm not knocking therapy. I love it. But it's why I did not become a therapist, because I was pissed off that I was sitting across from somebody, and they could have all the tactical psychological bullshit and all the textbook stuff, but I want to know you fucking get what I'm talking about and that you can actually, like, walk the talk. You're about to take me on? Yeah. Would you say that that's why you were open to taking that journey with me?

Oh, 1,000%. I mean, you said the things that nobody would say, and I asked the questions that nobody asks and that nobody could answer, and even you truly couldn't answer, but you answered with what was true to you. And, I mean, there were the moments where I said, what's the point of life? Why are we here? What do you believe in? Why are we doing this? Well, is it really that shitty then? And I remember specifically one time I said, do you wake up happy? Which was such a hard question for me because I couldn't even conceptualize waking up happy. And it wasn't waking up so depressed. I just was waking up feeling like, okay, it's Tuesday. Like, whatever. Okay, what are we gonna do today?

Right?

And it Wasn't sad or melancholy. It was just. It kind of felt flat. And so when you said. And I didn't believe you at first, you said, I wake up happy every day. I find joy every single day in my life, and I'm so grateful for it. And I remember looking at you and I'm like, really? Every day? You're like, every single day. I do. And that was one of the pivotal moments that I was like, okay, well, if she's got that, like, imagine feeling joy every single day for me for 28 years, kind of like tapping into joy every now and then and playing. And then it would go back to, like, okay, life. That was. I couldn't conceptualize it because I didn't know what that was like, but I knew I had something to look forward to as long as I kept doing the work and I hung in there. Which, my God, two years. Two years of that year and a half of that felt really long. It's not in the grand scheme of things, but there came a time where I started waking up every single day with joy and feeling grateful for my life. And I'm like, holy shit, I did it. And this is consistent.

Yeah. And the thing that I think a lot of people, including you, including me, pre the work, like, I couldn't comprehend that you could have joy and be experiencing grief and pain in the same day. Like, it was an either or and very extreme one way or the other. So if. If I'm already in pain, might as well just keep this day going like this, right? Or if I'm joy, let's keep staying high as a kite on whatever is bringing us joy today, whether it's codependent relationships or, you know, booze or whatever, you know, insert your drug of choice or thing of choice to kind of keep the high or keep the low. And I think, like, recognizing. I think I even gave you homework once of watching the movie inside out. It's a Disney movie. Did I make you. I think I made you watch that. Like, you have to feel all the things. And I think that so often, especially with the land of social media today, we see the highlight reels, we see only the good parts. And. And I think, like, experiencing in the span of a day, I can always be grateful and wake up with so much joy, and my heart can be breaking in the same day. And it has been. And you've been having a front row seat to a lot of this the last two years, working with me in real time. And I think that as coaches, as parents, as friends, as partners to each other in life, I think it's really important that we honor the entire emotional process and don't judge it. And I think that's kind of what you learned along the way. And I even learned more by doing it with you in real time. Like, I was doing it, but not like this. I mean, I was looking at my mirror. I mean, my own kids said, oh, my God, that was you.

Like, I know.

And they, you know, they get to see what you are today, too. And you and me back then weren't bad or broken or. There was nothing wrong with us. Life kind of just kicked the shit out of us a little bit, and then we chose to express it a certain way to stay safe. So when you're, like, diving into this, and it was gnarly there for a while.

Because we were breaking all sorts of patterns and stuff, and I had to be hard on you, and I think a lot of coaches are afraid to do that.

And you were mad at me A lot.

A lot. Very mad. But this is very grateful that I was so mad. Oh, my God.

Yeah. You felt things.

Yeah, well, that was the thing. I had to tolerate emotions, really, for the first time in my life because I, you know, through 28 years, childhood, whatever, had learned that any. Any emotion was really too much to there. So therefore, I had no experience moving outside of this tiny little container of emotion that I allowed myself to feel. So the second I dipped my toe out, it felt like I was drowning in emotion. Whether it was happy or sad or whatever, fear, it felt like so much. So anytime that you, you know, would trigger me, poke me, love me, say anything, I felt it to the extreme. So I had to learn through that process of, like, oh, okay, I can handle that. It took a while, though, of repeating the same thing over and over again and then realizing, oh, I'm still standing. I'm not drowning. I'm okay. I can do this.

So, yes, that was the anger in that. That point. And I actually see, I want to say, I think, but I really, truly know that so many people in a leadership role or trying to be a coach online come into it, and I was this person thinking that I had emotional tolerance or emotional intelligence even, or I had done the work or I knew the thing and whatever, and it wasn't out of cockiness. It just I thought I knew, like, right, you know, how to drive a car, but realizing, like, there's a monster truck that you haven't driven yet that exists. You have no concept of that. So I was learning to drive the monster truck. And so, so many coaches, leaders, my own clients, come into the space thinking, you know, they got it on lockdown. But entrepreneurship and leadership really pushes you to a whole new level of integrity, that your own life starts to get pulled up by the roots, as you say, and you have to start dealing with it. And if you don't have that emotional intelligence or that emotional tolerance, that's where shit hits the fan and people bail. And that's where we see leadership. In my opinion. People step up to the plate of, can you sit in that? Can you be in that? And can you say, still lead from that place while doing the work?

Yeah, and I think we see this a lot with, like, I'm taking a social detox. And we all know, you and I both know what that means. Usually it's like, they can't lead from that space. And I'm not judging it and knocking it because lord knows a decade ago I would have been a total fucking shit show in this space. Like, I would have been that person. And, and I'm grateful that I don't have to do that today and that, you know, there are coaches like you and I out there that we don't judge people for it, but we're also like, okay, but how's that working for you? Like, with love.

Oh, totally. Yeah. So my coaching nowadays when I, you know, you say I said I used to do the strategy in the sales, which I still lead with that and I still teach that, that's 10% of it. Now the rest of this 90% is doing this work and getting them to show up. And there's a, there's a difference. So when you were guiding me through this process, I think I had like something crazy. I had like 20 clients or something that I was coaching. And I mean, like we said, it got really rough at certain points. And I would be in bed, curtains closed, lights off, like hair matted pajamas for three days straight. And then I would have a coaching call on Zoom. And I was like, how am I going to do this? How am I going to do this? And I just did. And I would say to you, how am I going to do this? And you're like, no, you just do it. Like, I can't cancel. What am I going to do? But I was doing the work. So that's where I was like, okay, I wasn't out of integrity and I didn't come on faking it and be like, I had the best day ever. I was like, yeah, no, I got pajama pants on and my hair's pulled back with ball cap because it's matted because, you know, I'm struggling over here. But, like, let's build a business and do this work. So I was half. I was doing the work at the same time, and yet I could still show up. And it took everything out of me to coach that client for the day. And then I would run back to bed and be like, okay, I did it and do it again tomorrow. So it is possible. It doesn't mean, like, you have to stop your life, you know, stop parenting, stop doing your job, stop building a business in order to do this personal growth work. It's a lot, but it is possible to one, clean up your life, make the changes, but still show up through the. The process of it.

I think what you just said is probably the most important thing that you all need to hear. Because I think in the polished, pretty world that people make this out to look like, it's like, oh, I went to this retreat, I did the course, I saw Tony Robbins, and now I'm like this master professional that nothing bad happens to me, and I just handle everything with so much glass, you know, grace and class and I'm unrattled and, you know, my whole fucking podcast called Becoming Bulletproof, but that doesn't mean shit, doesn't hurt, and that life doesn't come and fire at you like an arsenal at you. And I think, like, you can be in this work and working where so many people think it's either or, like, either I'm going to deep dive and then go on a sabbatical, or actually you become more in integrity and a better fucking coach when you are in your work and leading people. And it's why I've been able, especially the last 10 years, to have the success and fulfillment that I do. And I mean, let's just be real, Courtney. Like, you were working alongside of me during the hardest things in my life. Like, so hard. Like, the hardest four months of my life happened last year. And I was showing up for you not because I owed it to you, but because that's how good coaches operate. And we are no good if we just polish over that life fucking happens and kicks the shit out of you. No matter how much of the work you've done, life still happens. And it's how you show up in that. As a coach, as a human, as a parent, as a lover, as a partner, as anything. Like, that's where the rubber meets the road. And I think not only just telling you that that's what is an integrity. But actually modeling that for you, it was some of the greatest things I've ever done. And I'm so grateful that I had you as a client at the time because it was like, I am going to, like, I'm going to heal myself through this, but I'm also going to show you that this is, this is really how it's done. And I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful that I was working with you during that time.

Me too. Yeah, I remember that there were days and weeks and even months that I was mirroring what you were going through. Totally different. But it was like, I mean, I remember I would check in with you at one point, you put me on daily check ins, which was some form of torture and vulnerability. I'd be like, this is what I felt today. And you get on there and say, this is. I felt the same way. This is what I did. And that's what built my trust too, in leadership of saying, if she feels this way too, like, literally went through the exact same thing today and still showed up and showed up for me. And I would have that thought and I would sit there and watch you, but then at the same time my brain would be going, she can do this right now. And if I'm feeling like, you know, I can't tolerate this, I can't do this anymore, but she's doing it, then I can too. And that's you. Even the playing field for me, you know, just being different lifestyle, like you were a parent, like different ages, all of that, but you still. I saw myself to an extent and equal because you opened that door for me. And now I get to do that with my clients too. So when they're thinking, this is impossible and I can't do this and who the f am I to do it? And this is so hard. I'm like, yes, me too. Guess what my day looked like. And they're like, oh shit. Well, you're still showing up. I'm like, I am. Sucks or it's great, but this is what it looks like. And if I'm here, you're just the same as I am. So it's almost like teaching that tolerance to the whole world thinking that they can't tolerate something, this experience or this journey of leadership or growing a business or whatever it may be and showing them that they can.

Therefore, then they do it and pass it along to the next person, you.

Know, And I, and I said this to you a lot during all the last few Years, you know, and you know, I'm so grateful that my kids have gotten to know you and you've gotten to see, like, this isn't just me in action on a coaching call. Like, this is how I show up in every area of my life. And you know, as a coach, as a parent, as a friend, as a partner, like, it's hard to watch people you care about or coach step into the fire. And I think so often, and part of the problem in the coaching industry is we are trying to rob people of their own process. And there were many times with you it's like, oh God, I know this.

Is gonna hurt her.

Like, I know this is gonna hurt her, but this is how she will remember and this is how she will pay it forward. And I think that that's what makes a great coach and parent and person, quite honestly, it's knowing that it's going to hurt. And I'm here to catch you when it, when it gets unbearable some days. But I won't let you fall completely. Yeah. So there's nothing that brings me more joy. Like, you are always good at what you did, like always. But to see not only you got, you are able to show people the way strategically and building them a business and like nobody else, like, you're fucking incredible. But I also know what's happening behind the scenes for that to not only happen, but for them to love it. And even more important to me that you love it. So when did you really find that? Was it in doing the work at the same time as showing up? Like, I was like, I know that's when I gained more confidence and love for what I did was when I was doing it in real time and not just getting through the other side and saying, you know, this is how you do it. And when did you notice your clients really shift?

Oh, I mean, immediately, I think it was like two weeks in and my world to working with you and my world came crashing down. And not only that, then when that happened, then it was like a giant, you know, unveiling of. Well, this happened because that happened and this is why this is happening. And then even though the circumstances like, you know, childhood wound mommy, daddy things or school things or we know, things that matter. And to me didn't really have much of an emotional charge around them at that time. I was feeling them all because I had never really truly felt it all I thought I did, turns out I didn't. So it was immediate because I also had this full coaching business anyway with like 20 something clients that still needed me to show up for them. And this is where I think it's so cool. Most of the time, I could be my own client's ideal client. So when they come to me saying, this is my niche, this is what I want to coach on, I'm like, yeah, been through that. Been through that one. Yeah, I got that experience, too, because they have as well. And so I'm able to share that experience with them in real time. And when I started unveiling that process and untangling things in my life, my clients were coming to me with the same issues, but I could actually be able to work them through that journey, even though it was just a week before that I had finally tackled the big issue, and it was that fast of a turnaround that I was coaching on these things. Not out of a place of not knowing what I was doing, but I am. Like, I lived. And I would tell them, I just did this last week. I just did this last week. I am in it right now, and if I can do it, you can do it. Do it with me. I will hold the space for you to do it. This is what is happening for me. And so that is how the journey is started nowadays, you know, life truly is, like, happy and joy every day, and I really don't struggle very often, but still, I have the business struggles, and, you know, I'm human, so I have interpersonal, you know, like, friendships and dating and all those things come up for me, too. So I can still relate because I did that heavy, heavy work. And I'm sure, you know, I'll have more to come at some point. But now when my clients are going through it, I can say, oh, yeah, I did that, too, and I know where they're headed, and I can see their journey, and they don't always act like I did. But it was like, you said you had some really hard things to say to me, but I'm so grateful for it because it was things that nobody had the guts to tell me before and, you know, things that we don't want to hear, like, your fucking ego is too big, or, you know.

I.

Remember when I made you. I remember when I made you go to the CPA and, like, be adult. Like, I'm like, you're a fucking business coach and you don't have your finances at least, like, in order. Like, you were so mad at me.

Oh, my God, I'm sweating just thinking about that.

Yeah.

You guys listening to this? Tracy, like, does it with so much love. And of course, you can choose how far into the work that you want to go with it. But she would say to me, you're out of integrity as a coach. Who do you think you are? And, I mean, coaching was my identity. Like, that was everything to me. You're not taking that from me. So the moment you tell me I'm not, I can't coach. And I took your word, I was like, you were my teacher for that time. And I was like, okay, I'll do everything that you say to change my life. And if you told me I wasn't in integrity, that was, like, the big. That brought up so much shame. So, yes, I marched my butt into the accountants and took care of my finances, and I took care of me not eating good food and took care of just everything. I cleaned up every little area. And that's the thing in leadership and in business is that we think it's just business. And then if we follow the plan and do what they say, then it's gonna work. But it can't, because other things come bubbling up. You can't be in this leadership role in personal development and helping people be better when you have messes in your own life. And I've heard many people say, well, you don't have to have everything cleaned up because you're human.

Yes and no. Do you have intentions of cleaning it up, or are you going to let it sit there and fester? Because if you let it sit there and fester, it's going to come up and you're going to sabotage and ruin the whole thing. And so over that year, year and a half, it was like, okay, well, first you. You fixed your coaching, and then you fixed your finances, and then you fixed your health, and then you fixed, you know, and then going through all these little sections of life, of my own personal life and cleaning that up. And I was like, oh, I'm really in integrity now. I'm in integrity. And therefore, I didn't feel like I was lacking as a coach in any area. There's always more to learn. But I had no imposter syndrome. I had no. What do they have that I don't? That. That was gone. Because I knew when I had done all of the work, there wasn't anything I didn't conceptualize at that point. And two, I cleaned up everything. There's nothing. Like, if I got publicly, you know, like, whatever, when people like, you know, defame celebrities and turn their life inside out, if that happened to me, there's nothing. It's all clean. Two years ago, it was a little dirty. It was a little messy, for sure. So, you know, the journey is going to continue for me and I'll have more to learn always. But as of right now, as it stands, I can coach anybody and I can have transformations and I can have those hard conversations because I've lived it.

I think what you just said is so important. Like. Like, you don't have to get defensive if, you know all your ducks are in a row and if you know you're in integrity, like I've said. And through some of the stuff this last year where my character has been called into question, I'm like, bring it on, motherfuckers. Like, I'm in 100% integrity. I dare you to go try and find something, at least in the last eight years, try and find one fucking thing where I'm not in integrity. And that, like you said, keeps me. I don't get into imposter syndrome, because I know. And when you are, like you said, it's a constant process. And I always tell people, like, there's no checklist, even though you wanted one, that, like, you've done the work. Like, just sign up and know that until you are either in the ground or cremated or wherever your soul goes, like, out of this earthly world, like, it's an everyday thing. And especially the more you want to do in the world through fulfillment and contribution and success and financially and whatever that looks like for you, like, new levels will expose new unearthing of devils that you are going to need to address. And. And nobody's immune to it. And I think, like, obviously with the state of the world right now, we're seeing that nobody's immune to it. But when you are operating out of integrity and the intention of constantly honing that in, right? Constant. Like, I'm always, like, refining my integrity and what that looks like for the Tracy today versus the Tracy, you know, a decade ago. I mean, there's a big difference in integrity because when we know better, we got to do better. And every day, especially on this personal growth journey, whether you are a coach or being coached or you're a parent or whatever, like, you always have to be willing to take yourself next level. And if you're a parent, like, you're in charge of humans, like, to show them the next level. And I take that role so seriously. And showing up in integrity with my clients is a reflection of how I am with them as well. And I think we owe it to anybody we lead, whether it's in your home or your business. To show up and always be willing to go first, which God knows you do every day. And I want to talk about the Enneagram for a quick second, because this is something we're both super passionate about, and we have been since we met and we geeked out. We're both Aries. Originally, she thought she was an eight. She was mistyped. She was one of those that was mistyped originally. And she didn't like it when I said, you're not an eight. Like, she's like, I want to be a fucking eight. Because I'm like, you're actually a five. And she's like, oh, no.

And, like, offended. Yeah, she didn't like it.

But when. When I. When I started to kind of explain why she was the five. And this is why it's so great to have somebody kind of guide you through this process as well.

And.

And know that when you work with Courtney, she's pretty skilled in this department, too. Like, she knows her shit because she's a five. And, you know, she pretty much stays up all night geeking out on it, which is what. What Five superpower is. They are the information hoarding, energy hoarding. Like, they know all the things. Like, give them a subject. Like, I told her when she was a five. I'm like, now don't stay up all night and research everything about the Five. And of course, she did everything.

Every podcast ever created about fives. I knew it all by 4am I knew it all.

And she also said I was right. Right.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what has the Enneagram, like, what has. Especially once you were properly typed, which I will. I will, like, pat myself on the back for that one. Because had you been operating just based on the eight information, like, there's some areas of your life that might have turned sideways. So what has the Enneagram helped you in this whole process? And. And has it helped you take the. Like. What I say about the Enneagram is it helps take the emotional charge out of some of this unpacking that we do with the work and we did. We used. We referenced it a lot in our time working together. But what would you say for those? Because I know a lot of people that listen to me, they're like, oh, they're all about the Enneagram for me.

So, I mean, the behaviors of, like, oh, you're being such a five. You're being an eight. This is why. This is what this looks like. That's real. That's true. That's fine for me. It's like, that signal, the way that I teach this to my own clients now and what you taught me as well is it's. I call it the sabotage cycle. And so the sabotage cycle is that cycle of like, oh, we're up, we're feeling amazing. It's almost like manic. This is the best day ever. And then we kind of have that calm down where it's okay, things are good. It's not like living day to day life. And if that's not, if we're not careful with that or have enough self awareness, that's where we start to dip down. For whatever reason, if we're bored, if we're triggered, if anything, anything could really trigger that. This is the sabotage cycle. So that's where whatever your trigger is, you're going to go down to the bottom of the cycle, right? So if almost. This is a big circle. We went from the top, we're kind of in the middle. Now we're at the bottom. And then you and I both. And I find a lot of people are the same way. We love rising from the ashes. Like, I love fighting. The Aries fighter thingy is like, oh, let me show you. And also there's a lot of energy behind that too. Like once you've sat in your crap for a while and stewed in it and then you get embarrassed and then you're ashamed of it and then you decide, okay, it's a new day, I'm going to do this. And you get all reignited to come back up again. You go up the that circle, you come up the cycle and that's where it's amazing. And that's where, you know, we see people have a lot of success because they can fight. They have a reason to because it got really bad and they don't want to feel that way anymore. And then they keep going up and up and up and up and then they're at the top again. And then they replay that cycle over and over again. And this can be in a day, it can be in a week, month, year. If you start to see that, pair that with everything that you've taught about the enneagram being that if you have your baseline number that you are so is the five. And I didn't realize it before I met you. I was typed as a 7 for years and years, which makes sense because the 5 in stress or, you know, in yeah. And stress goes to seven. So I was Miss Party Girl, which is all my wild Party day stories, which are so fun. But that's the manic Side. So that was the sabotage and the struggle and the avoidance and all of that. And what that looks like is it's manic. It's crazy. And also call it manic. It's something to watch when it happens. It's entertaining, but it's not okay. This is where I quit jobs. This is where I would, like, you know, fly, you know, get on a plane the next day with no plan. This is where I would start a new project. I'd dye my hair hot pink or blue or whatever, anything crazy, just to, like, release the pressure, so to speak, for five. And then that would get frustrating. I'd blow my life up too much, and then it would come back up, up my cycle. And then I would go to 8. So the 5 in health goes to the 8, which is I'm empowered and I'm strong and I'm driven and fuck you all and watch me do this, the challenger, which is where I see a lot of myself in you.

So it was a healthy thing for me to do it. It's just the way that I got to being the eight wasn't okay. And so me at my best is very bold and will take action and stand proud and be seen and, you know, use my voice. But then if I'm too uncomfortable with that and I start to slip, I'll go back down into that regular 5 and unhealthy 7. So for me, the difference isn't really like, oh, this is the behaviors, and this is fun. This is what this looks like. It's actually that warning signal for me. So when I start scanning airbnbs in Colorado and looking at a cabin to live in by myself or, like, plane tickets or anything to, quote unquote, get away, it's like, ooh, Danger Ranger, what are you doing? And I have to check myself. Like, are you doing this because you're trying to run away, because you're trying to escape because you don't want to feel something, or are you doing this because it's fun? Because for me, going to a set in is. That's tricky, because I want to have fun. But also, are you doing this because you're in stress right now?

Well, that's something that's so important. And I say this a lot because. Because whether you were typed as an 8 or a 7, we can feed into that behavior. Like, well, that's just what an eight with a seven wing would do. But really, when you're a five, that's actually, like, you're hyper stressed. And so knowing that, knowing your Type properly is why it's so important. Because if we're using the Enneagram as a beautiful tool and a compass, Right. It's like you said, it's like warning, warning. Or like you're experiencing joy and this is a good thing. Like, don't sabotage this, like, equally. I see people. People will sabotage the good stuff. But knowing, like, this is how when you're growing, it looks and it's actually a good thing. Yeah. Because for me, when an 8 is in a growth pattern, we take on the healthy too. But I was conditioned growing up that feelings, emotions, compassion, and empathy is actually a weakness. And so no wonder, whenever I feel that thing naturally, because that's who I am, I'd be like, oh, fuck, no, that's not healthy. So I love that you just shared that.

I can't remember what else I was going to say about it, but I think that, you know, taking that emotional charge and having this framework and like, let's lean into your gifts. Like, you don't have to be Susie on Instagram who's booty popping or whatever she's doing in the clouds. Like, let's. And I was just talking to a client today about this. Like, let's look at all your strengths as this number. Like, this is you in a growth pattern. Let's like, because this is where ease and flow and alignment and fulfillment come is when you're leaning into the superpowers of who you are now. They will take on all different expressions as yours have.

Oh, I remember what I was gonna say. I remember early on when you wanted to buy a Jeep.

Oh, the Jeep.

Remember that? Like, this is exactly like. I was like, okay, she's in manic mode as a five going into that unhealthy seven. And like, she wanted to buy a Jeep and she. She was making enough money to buy the Jeep and all the things. And I was like, okay, like, if it's really about the Jeep, let's. Let's put like this thing on it. And she was so mad at me.

Guys, she wouldn't let me get the Jeep. I mean, I. I listened to it, right? I could have always just marched my butt down to a dealership and gotten the Jeep. But she was like, nope, don't get the Jeep. Like, why not? I don't like my car. I have enough money. Like, I wanted this forever, so I'm like, vision board. And then just like, bring this out of nowhere. And she was like, yeah, no. So you set a big goal for me. It was a financial goal. But you set a big goal for me of, like, you need to do X, Y and Z. And it was just enough of a stretch that it wasn't going to be like, next week. And I was ready that day to go down and get my Jeep, which.

Is very, you know, unhealthy. 7 and a 5.

Let me go in atm, let me bring out the cash. I'll go right now. Like, I want it. I want, want to drive it tonight. And you kibosh that real quick. But I listened. I did listen. As much as I, God, didn't like you at certain times. Like, I did listen to everything that you said. And I was like, okay, fine, I'll prove it. I'll prove it. And then I made a business plan to, like, make the. Make the numbers and do the thing. And I presented it all proud and, like, had the spreadsheet. Yeah, I made it all out and didn't do that for two years, you guys. I didn't hit those goals. I think it was about two years. It might have been like a year, year and a half. But I mean, for me, being ready and having the money sitting in the bank account ready to go and not being able to touch it and having to drive around, you know, it was a good little car, but, like, it wasn't anything that I was like, look at me in this car.

I sat in that for a year and a half and didn't get the Jeep because I made a deal that I would reach the goal.

As long as it took.

And those of you listening right now, it wasn't about, like, me setting a financial goal. I put that there because it was painful and it was hard to hit. But the reason behind it was, is because I know when a 5 is in a stress pattern, they will be impulsive and be manic, and they would only feed that if I don't give a shit how much money you have. Like, I'm not going to feed this beast that will enable your stressful behavior because that's not going to help you in the long run. Yes, Jeeps are awesome. I love them. And the fact that you got one a couple months ago and it's beautiful. And it was for, like, in the most healthiest of places you've ever been. And it's. It's like, I know that it feels so much better. And you can walk out and look at it every day and be like, fuck, yeah. And not just because it's cute.

No, not because it's cute. I mean, it is very cute. It is cute.

It is very cute.

It is very cheap because I know what it took. Like, you're the only person who truly knows. And I actually had clients from two, three years ago who messaged me when I posted the Jeep on Instagram and I was like, I got it. They said, is this the Jeep that you talked about not being able to get? And I said, yes, this is the Jeep. Years later, I waited. I don't think I've ever had so much patience in my life. I don't know that I call it patience, but dedication to the work, that's what I would call it. I made a deal.

That is it. And it's like not only a dedication and resilience to the work, because it was hard. It's always hard. Like, there's so much behind the scenes that nobody sees in the work that we do every day on ourselves. And those that are really, really good and love what they do and wake up with joy to do what they do. Like, there's so much that Instagram stories don't show you or a blog or any of this shit.

But to see that for you and know that it is for all the right reasons and.

It'S. It's really just a beautiful, beautiful thing to see that and, and not like just the resilience, but the unconditional commitment every day to like, is this the best version of me? What do I need to refine? How can I be better? How can I serve the greatest good? And the Jeep is just the frickin bonus of it all.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. I actually. I don't know that I told you this. I could have gotten a Jeep months before and I was like, oh, okay, I don't need it now. It's fine. So I waited that long just because I was like, whatever. Once I, you know, actually met the goal in my head, I was like, okay, it's over. But it is. It's that I just want to be better all the time and not out of an ego. It's just like, well, if there's any purpose of life, in my opinion, it is to do the best that we can while we're here. And in my version of that, that's help other people. The only way I can help other people is by helping myself to do that work. And it's. It's never ending. And so, yes, this work is. Can be hard and it's a lot of ego death over and over again, but it's also the pursuit of just being better. And with that feeling, more if you want to feel more. You want to feel more alive. It's. It's this. This is what it is. That's the secret.

It is the secret. And I've said. I said this to you, and you didn't like it at the time. I've said this on podcasts. I've said it to other clients that, like, you are out of integrity and leadership if you can't even lead yourself. And. And that is just the truth. And Courtney, like, you, hands down, and. And I know you'll like hearing this, but, like, greatest client I've ever had in my entire life, the most coachable person, the greatest coach you can hire is one that is the most coachable and that walks her talk. And there is nobody that I've ever worked with that was as coachable as you. And I mean that, like, with so much love, respect, admiration, because Lord knows I would have. I would have been an asshole, like, if I were you, like, I would have been. I would have bailed on me a long time ago. So the fact that you hung in there not just for yourself, but you knew what was waiting for you on the other side, and that was the fulfillment and the joy that you do deserve to wake up with every day. So, you guys, you want a lot of Court Baker in your life, Whether it's just like, following her. She drops so much value every day. Sometimes it's just about plants and vegan food, but. And sometimes it's like sales and leadership and woo woo shit. And, like, her evolution, like, it's. It's really awesome to watch somebody in real time evolve into whatever they're supposed to be on this lifetime. So thank you for letting me have a front row seat, not just to like you and. But everything that you get to touch today. It's beautiful. I love you.

I love you. Thank you.

All right, you guys, I know that there are a lot of people listening, that they're like, I needed to hear this. This, you know, come to Jesus. Talk about being in integrity as a coach or as a leader in your home or as a partner. And we want to know how you took this all in. You probably cursing me along the way were like, fuck her. I would have told her to fuck off a long time ago. But that's what it truly takes to be an integrity in all aspects of your life and to stand on the front line of it. So if you love this episode, please share this. You can. Hey, where can people find you.

On Instagram or my website? Those are the two main spots. So Instagram is Courtbaker C O U R T and my website's the exact same thing.

Courtbaker.com yeah, go follow her. You want her in your life. She's a hell of a coach, a hell of a human, hell of a friend. And I love you.

I love you. Thank you.

Bye.

Thank you for tuning in into the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean.

A lot to me if you shared.

It and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram traceyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become Bulletproof.