89: Shooting it Straight with Doug Bopst

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And I have a treat for you. This guy, I got wind of him. I'm not even sure how I kind of found you or you found me or if it was kind of a mutual thing, but about two years ago, you know, those of you that have listened for any length of time know that I'm in recovery and have been for eight years now. And my friend Doug. How do you say your last name?

It's Bobst. It's all right, don't worry.

Bobst, how it's spelled. We ran across each other a couple years ago. We've kind of been following each other. We both have pretty powerful recovery stories. And what I love about what he does the most, I mean, he's a straight shoot, no bullshit. Enneagram 3. Tell it like it is, open book. And that's kind of how I roll, even though I'm an enneagram8. I appreciate that about him. And I can tell, you know, we see this discounted and manufactured authenticity online a lot of the times, but he is not that. He is the complete opposite of that. And he has used some of his hardest times, some of the biggest shit shows in his life, to not only rise up for his own self, but he is helping lead, empower.

And pave the way for so many other people. Doug Bobst is a east coast kid. Kid. How old are you?

29. No, I'm 32. I'm kidding. I'm 32.

Are you?

Yeah, we're 33 in a month.

Oh my gosh. Are you a Virgo or a Libra?

I'm a Libra. Come on.

Now, I can see that. I didn't think you were a Virgo. But he has an amazing podcast called the Adversity advantage, which is basically what we just talked about. If you guys follow me, which I know you are, and you like what I have to say, you definitely have to follow him. He's like the guy version, a much younger guy version. But, you know, he talks about, you know, using the very things. I say this all the time, and I know he feels the same way. The very thing that we felt growing up that disqualified us to do great things or to lead or empower or be a role model for somebody is actually the very thing that qualifies us. You know, the things that I hid forever about my life are the very things that you love me for. And I know he feels the same way about how he talks and speaks. He's a very dynamic speaker, and I love his grit. He is not afraid to ask anybody for an interview, and I'm a little jelly. That's. That's the difference between a three and an eight. They just fucking go for it. And I love it. I mean, he's talked to Gary V. He's got, you know, the creator of my favorite show, Billions Coming on his podcast. He's got. He's. I mean, Tom Bilyeu. Haven't you been on that one, too?

Yeah.

Like, he's a big deal, you guys, and I don't mean that as far as, like, accolades. He's a big deal because he's a great human being. And, Doug, I'm so excited to have you on and have a great chat and, you know, whatever's supposed to come out tonight or today is what was going to come out, so. Hi.

What's up? Thanks for having me. You know, it's cool. You know, I've been following you for a long time as well, and it's awesome to see your growth and, you know, seeing how you've really been able to kind of manufacture and manifest this Enneagram. Enneagram thing to, like, kind of fit your brand and kind of help others. It's. I honestly, like, when I first heard about the Enneagram, I don't even remember where I was, actually. I was at a Rachel Hollis conference. I mean, it was at a business conference, and she was talking about the Enneagram. It wasn't like a women's conference. I mean, I'm not that creepy, right? But anyway.

And so I remember doing research on it. I was like, wow, this is really fascinating. And I actually ended up buying an Enneagram book. One of them is one of the ones that she or Dave or whoever recommended. And so when I started to see that you were doing that. I was like, wow, this is cool. Because now it's growing. You're seeing a lot more people talk about the Enneagram. I actually took this test. I don't remember what it was called. It was a long test. It was like 200 questions, maybe. And it was like a paid version. I forget where I took it.

It's probably the enneagram institute.com, by the way.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

Hashtag Noad. But anyway. But yeah, so thanks for having me on.

Yeah. You know what? Like, you know, Doug's got 12 years of recovery under his belt, and I've got eight. By the grace of God, by the end of the month, I will have eight. And where I was actually introduced to the Enneagram was actually in rehab by my therapist.

Wow.

So I've been studying it and using it in all aspects of my life for the eight years. And like you said, it's become very popular, but I saw it being used very trendy, like, and fun, like. And it's actually a really powerful, effective tool when used properly. And the thing is, is there's so much information out there about it, and there are a lot of information teachers out there, but nobody can really show you how to integrate it in your family, in your business, in your health and your relationships. And I use it in all of those things. So I decided, you know what? Since that was my very first tool in recovery that I was given, you know, because I'm quite a bit older than you, I literally could be your mother.

Nuh. I don't believe that.

Oh, I could. I could.

I'm a trainer, so I'm allowed to ask you your age, but I won't. Go ahead.

I'm almost 50, so. Yeah. So, you know, my therapist had said to me, and I know you'll appreciate this because recovery is hard fucking work, you know, we have to unpack a lot of our shit and take ownership of a lot of it, even when bad things have happened to us. And I was very resistant to taking the Enneagram clearly as an 8. That's a big shocker, right? We're very stubborn and all the things. And my therapist in rehab, day two, said, listen, this might help you get out of the box that the world and yourself have put you in, and we're gonna have to unpack a lot of shit, and this might make it easier for you to make sense of it all. And I was like. And then she said, and quite honestly, honey, your best thinking has gotten you Here. So how about we just kind of roll with it? And I was like, all right, touche. So that is how I actually got introduced to the Enneagram and have used it ever since. I only started talking about it about four years ago when my kids were over 18, because I just, you know, it's kind of woo woo ish in a lot of ways. But now that people are talking about it, I was like, okay, like, let's actually show people how to use this fun tool that they think. And you and I both know, like, there's so many of people listen. So many of the people listening that need to do, you know, the work, but nobody knows what the fuck the work is, right? And what I found with the Enneagram and using it as a beautiful tool, it's not as scary.

To introduce people to the unpacking process. For you and I, it's like taking an inventory and for stepping the crap out of ourselves or whatever we've had to do over the last eight and 12 years to maintain a level of recovery. So, yeah, that's how I got into it. And since it was the very thing that really started my whole recovery process, it only made sense that I bring it to the mainstream and show people how to not just learn it, but let's fucking use it for good.

Yeah, let's fucking roll with it, right? And I think at the end of the day.

You know, we're always growing, right? We're either growing or we're dying. And it's continuing to evolve and use the tools that were given along the way to. To improve ourselves, like, based on where we're at in our life. I think, you know, healing. It's funny, so many people, you hear the world. You hear the word healed, which I hate, right? Because.

It automatically assumes that you're just perfect. At least in my. I think it puts a context out that, you know, that you're perfect and that things aren't going to come up. And if they come up, you'll be able to get through it. And sometimes life throws you curveballs, right? And you're not sure, like, where'd this come from? And. And there's healing that comes from re evaluating yourself and looking at yourself in the mirror and be like, you know what? Like, I got some more work to do, or why did I do this? And there's. There's something in that that will. I believe in every. Every situation that. That is adversarial in our life is. Can be used for the greater good if we have enough Self awareness. If we have enough courage, if we have enough balls, I mean, I'll say, you know, for sure to do that, right? Because I think a lot of times what happens is our inner victim, Inner victim comes out and says, woe is me. I'm gonna blame everybody else for my problems, and it's everyone else's fault. Not to say that people don't do us wrong because they do. Right. I just think we make our problems much bigger than they are based on how we react and respond. So when we know there's purpose in our pain, right, then it changes the dynamic of things because then we know, like, wow, this is, like, good. This is going to come out. I'm going to get stronger. My audience is going to be able to learn something from it. I'm going to be able to be more humble. I'm going to be able to really show the world.

How strong I am. And there's so much power in that. First you.

Right, Yeah. I love that you said that. Because it is a courageous thing every day to kind of look in the mirror and, you know, analyze kind of what's going on. And I think for. I'm sure that you can attest to this. Like, whenever in my past that I was triggered, it was like this explosion. I was like, oh, hell no. I will not be controlled, or whatever that meant. And today, like, I invite in the trigger. And it just happened to me a few days ago, like, in the craziest way, like a trig being triggered is an opportunity for growth. And very often, if not always, what is actually triggering you has nothing to do with what's going on inside of you. And to be courageous enough to say, okay, that is a conduit for change right here that's going to help me grow right now and to not be so, like, attacking it. I love that you said that. So you said to me earlier, you have 12 years of recovery work under your belt, and like you said, we are not healed. It's a constant. Until I say this, too. Like, until, like, I'm six feet under. My last day is called, the work continues, and it's not a chore. It's like, it's exciting. Once you kind of know you have the tools in the toolbox to navigate things, it doesn't mean hard shit doesn't happen. Because you and I both, we talked kind of candidly earlier. The last year of our lives in recovery have been the hardest we probably faced. Yeah, mine too. Like, the absolute hardest thing. So take me back 12 years ago so you were 20 years old?

20. I was a baby.

That's crazy. It's like, thank God you figured it out that early. You know, I was 40 before I figured it out. Really. But what was going on that you're like, okay, shit's got to change. Because I know there's a lot of you listening right now, especially with the nature of the world. All the things that need to be changed are like, spotlight is on it right now because we don't have the distractions that we normally use. What was going on for you 12 years ago? That it's like, shit's got to change.

You know, Tracy, I think for me back then I was numbing a lot of pain, right? I was chasing, I wasn't even chasing the high, I was chasing the numbing feeling. You know, my parents got divorced when I was five and that was very tumultuous and it was rough and that, you know, one thing leads to the next and I'm like 10, 11 years old. I'm self medicating with food. I mean like pizza and cinnamon buns and sauce. I mean sauces for breakfast. Like stuff that like normal kids would eat. But I ate like a lot of it because I was like just numbing my pain and I was numbing my life. And I didn't really realize what I was doing in that moment. But looking back at certainly what I was doing and my genetics just wasn't very good. Like, I don't blame the genetics, but I look back and I was doing a lot of what my friends were doing and I wasn't good at sports. I couldn't, had no balance, couldn't run, couldn't jump. And I just felt out of place. I felt like, what's wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? And so I started early on developing this victim mindset, right? Which is never helpful in any situation, as I said before. And I got picked on in school a lot. I was told that I looked like I had down syndrome.

I was called fat. I mean, I was called different names and you know, it was hard to hear because then you start to believe it, right? If everybody, if everybody you're. I mean, when I say everybody, I mean, if people around you are calling you that and then like everything else that's unfolding in such a way, like the fact that you're not, you know, you're not having any luck with women or you're not making sports teams, you start to develop this, this feeling of unworthiness, right? So by the time I was 14. It was. It wasn't a big deal for me to start smoking weed. I was like, yeah, I'll do whatever I can to feel outside of myself. I'll do whatever I can to feel different. I'll do whatever I can to numb this pain. I took a hit off a marijuana pipe and that turned into smoking every day. And, you know, I describe that initial feeling as it felt like that the monkey came off my back. You know, it felt like the.

Burden, the hurdle, whatever it was that had been on top of me during my early years was finally gone. And little did I know that it would turn into something terrible. And, you know, so I start smoking every day. I'm selling a little bit to support my habit. I'm getting kicked out of my mom's house for being a jackass and having a party while she was in the hospital when I was 16. So there's more trauma, right? Go live with my dad full time. Dad, I love you. If you're listening to this, my dad was. It was just. It was not a stable living situation, right? Living with him. And so I go, I change high schools and think that people, my parents thought, well, this will shape them up, right? But really I just found from people to do drugs with. And I was already like, pissed off and resentful because I was like, why am I being kicked out? And I start smoking more and then barely graduate high school because I'm skipping class so much and kicked out of my dad's house. After I graduated high school, being very shortly after bouncing around from couch to couch, started experimenting with cocaine. And what really did me in was oxy. And a 5 milligram percocet turned into 3, 400 milligrams going up my nose every single day. And just being in a place where I don't really live anymore, I wasn't like the type that was like, planning out, like, my death where I was gonna hang myself or anything. But I definitely had moments where I could crush up coke and oxy and be like, I wonder if I snort this, if I never wake up, would people miss me? Like, and it's because I was just. I felt so low right in that moment. In moments like that, like, we make decisions based out of fear and we make decisions based out of lack and scarcity. And I know we all hear those terms now and it's considered woo, woo. But.

Back then that's like, I mean, it's just a fact. Like, you know, people who are secure with themselves and confident where they're Going, don't put things up their nose to numb pain. People that are confident and secure with themselves don't manipulate other people to get what they want. People who are confident, secure with themselves don't treat people like shit. I mean, it's just facts, right? And I mean, as I've grown, I realized that. And so I was just the most insecure, unconfident person in that moment. And my biggest blessing came out of my. One of my greatest setbacks. And I was riding around with a few of my friends to go pick up some oxy on cinco de Mayo 2008. Had a half a pound of pot in my trunk and $2,000 in cash because I was selling weed to support all of my habits between going to strip clubs and oxy and coke. And I thought I was living large. And what ended up happening was I had a busted headlight that I'd been meaning to fix for months. And.

I end up getting pulled over because I flashed my high beams at a police officer. He pulls me over, one thing leads to the next, searches my car, finds the weed, finds cash, and I'm like in a place where I'm incredibly scared and miserable because I'm sitting in the back of this cop car. My heart's sick in the pit of my stomach. Every. I don't know if anyone's who's listening has ever been in that moment. I don't care if you're getting arrested or whatever it is that every like memory that you have of up leading until that moment comes together and you're like, oh, fuck, I cannot believe that I'm here. This is where I'm at. Is this reality? Am I having a dream? Please tell me it's a fricking dream. Mm. And all the shame that, that. The shame that built. It's built up in the process of doing all this stuff. Cuz you gotta remember like what I from what in my experience, like.

The real high comes from like the chase of like getting high and doing drugs. And when you, after you do it, there's like the shame, right? Because you're like, fuck. Like why'd I just do that right now I feel like shit. And. And then so this is all builds up and then when I find that big moment hit, all the shame just came pouring down over me. And I thought my life was over. Any dreams I inevitably had, had at that moment were gone. I didn't know what was going to happen next. I mean, I was extremely scared. Petrified. I would have drug dealer, five grand And I went to court a few months later, was charged with a felony drug charge, intent to distribute marijuana, and was convicted.

Found guilty with possession intended to distribute marijuana. Sentenced to five years in jail. But everything was suspended. But 90 days, five years probation, 200 hours community service, all kinds of fines and drug classes. But he's like, Doug, if you complete everything without messing up, I'll take the felony off your record. And I was just like, there's no way I'm gonna make it. I mean, at that time I was 20, 50 pounds overweight. Could have been a model for Pillsbury. Like was just in a really dark spot, right. And that, that's kind of where my transformation began because I reported the jail a few weeks later.

Detox, cold turkey off Oxy.

Oh, I've watched people come off that shit. Medically scary, right? And it's scary to watch. Like it's the worst kind of withdrawal I think I've ever seen.

Yeah. And so it was, it was like I felt like I was trying to crawl out of my own skin. I felt like I was just vomiting uncontrollably. I was, bowel movements were crazy. And my cellmate was like, you're going to start working out with me. I looked at him, I was like, are you freaking kidding me? At the time, I could have been a model for Pillsbury, like I said, and had never worked out a day in my life formally. And he was like, you're going to start working out with me? Sure enough, after him bothering me enough, I decided to give it a try. Got down to a push up. Couldn't do a push up, could barely do one for my knees. And with his motivation and encouragement, training me in there every day and like helping me to.

Realize the power of fitness, I was able to do a set of 10 pushups and run a mile by the time I left. And I had this developed confidence and self esteem that I was going to make it. I had this developed confidence and self esteem that I was going to change my life. I had this developed confidence and self esteem that I was going to be maybe one day be able to pay it forward all that I never had before. And you know, I remember the day I left, I was able to like a tennis set of 10 push ups to run a mile. And I cried and I thanked my cellmate. I was like, how am I ever going to repay you for this? And I still have the workout plan framed in my place. Never forget where I came from. And he said, just pay it forward and don't Screw up. So I got out, lost a bunch of weight, became a trainer.

To help other people use fitness to change their lives. And it's been amazing. It's been an amazing journey. I've been doing that for almost 10 years now, and I love it and managed to write a few books along the way. And the felony conviction came off my record. The felony actually just got expunged from my record last week. Yeah. And just been on a mission to share my story, speak to kids, coach people.

Through my podcast, through everything I'm doing with, you know, getting on different shows as well, and just talking to people and connecting and it's. I mean, so, yeah, I mean, I just gave you a glimpse of everything, but, yeah, that's kind of sums up how I got to where I am today.

I think something that you said is so powerful. I think, you know that what I see very often is people use any kind of addiction, whether it's a substance, relational codependency, exercise, work. Like, it's. It's to do one of two things, usually to numb things out, to not feel something.

Or to bury shame, usually. Right. Or to find some kind of thing. And you were actually doing both. And you and I talked a little bit earlier, and, you know, we can take the substance or the addiction thing that's causing all the wreckage in our life away, but then we're still left with the feelings and the shame and the guilt and the holy crap, what have I done with my life moment. And I know there's a lot of people listening right now that have spent so much time trying to numb it out. And you and I had to develop skills and tools and work the muscle, not just get the tools. And this is the thing, like we said earlier, like, it's one thing to have the tools in the toolbox, but if you don't use them, they rust out. They're useless without use. So what was the first thing, other than the exercise, that you started to realize, okay, this. How often, first of all, did you realize that you numbed feelings out? And then what kind of things did you implement into your life other than exercise that helped you process feelings?

It's a great question. Isolation.

Yeah. That's my drug of choice, too.

Well, no, I don't. I mean, I'm not even saying this is a drug. I think.

We'Re so caught up in being around other people. We're so caught up in pleasing others. We're so caught up in the importance of being seen by other people that we forget to be seen by ourselves. And I think one of the biggest things I did is almost kind of by accident, But I moved in with my grandparents. When I got out of jail, they took me in, and they were like, you know, you can stay here. We'll pay for your food, we'll pay for, you know, you don't have to pay us rent, but you better be exercising, have a job, like, be respectful, come in, home by a certain time, blah, blah, blah. And what I realized was I didn't. As I started to develop more habits that were healthy, exercise changed the way I ate. I noticed I didn't have a lot in common with my friends that I was using with anymore. So I just became like, not there were bad people. I was just like. I just. There was nothing there, right? I was like, what am I going to do? Am I going to go out to the bar and just sit there and drink, like, water while people are hammered? Like, no. Am I going to just sit there while people smoke pot in a circle and then smoke cigarettes after? No. So I'd stay at home, and I would watch, like, Dancing with the Stars, and I would watch the Food Network, and I would, like, learn how to cook and do research on fitness and became comfortable with myself to the point where I didn't need anybody.

That is one of the number one. What you just said is so powerful, because I think this is why the ability for people to stay in recovery, the statistics are so low, is exactly what you said, is we realize that we have to kind of change our playmates, our environment and everything. And I think so often we're afraid to let go of people, places and things, and especially if they're people we've invested years or decades with or their blood, and we think we're obligated to that. But I think it's very brave and courageous. And I did the same thing. My dogs became my best friend. And, like, did you get, like, nine cats?

I'm not gonna judge you if you do.

No. I did rescue one, though. A black cat. I rescued a black cat because I was like, that's the most misunderstood kind of animal out there. And then I rescue pit bulls, which are misunderstood. And I felt misunderstood my whole life. But I think what you said is so powerful, is the ability to be alone with ourself. Not in isolation, but more solitude. Like, there's solitude and isolation, right?

And intentionality behind it. Like, being intentional with being alone. Like, it's funny, you know, I. You know, we both know Jordan Sanchez, right? And I remember she said something to me, that was, like, very.

Relevant in the sense that, you know, after I went through a recent breakup, was like, you need to intentionally be single. You need to intentionally set an intention to heal from your relationship, from all the stuff you went through, so that you can attract and call in somebody that's actually aligned with you and I. So. And the reason I say that and bring that up is because there's a difference, like you said, between isolation and solitude and being intentional about it. Being intentional with the fact that you're going to set aside time to work on yourself. Being intentional with the fact that you're okay spending time by yourself and knowing that it's not healthy either. Here's the flip side. To just sit in isolation by yourself. There's a fine line. Like, I think it's. We are meant to be in community. We are meant to be with other people. We are meant to talk to other people. So I think there's a fine line. And so hopefully. Hopefully, if somebody's listening to this, I didn't really confuse anybody. But I think we're so attached, and I found guilty for this, too. I mean, I'm not gonna. I mean, I'll go down this rabbit hole now, because this is something that you brought up that we can become so attached to, loyalty in people that aren't good for us that we end up sacrificing our own self, and then it ends up affecting the very thing that we are doing for the other, which is loyalty to ourselves. And.

For me, you know, when it comes. When it came to my old friends.

It was easy to, In a moment, to, like, cut them out and be like, okay, like, if I hang out with that crowd, I'm going back to jail. That's what's going to happen. And I remember I very. I mean, you and I talked about how this last year has been some of the hardest. Like, I. You know, looking back now, I was in a very similar situation where.

I thought I was on the verge of going not back to jail. My therapist had looked at me and said, like, is it going to take you going back to jail to kick this drug? Mm.

Where I was in a relationship that was incredibly unhealthy and just wasn't serving me at all. And I felt like a fraud. And I felt trapped. I felt. And I have. There's a lot of responsibility that. That I had in that. Right. There's a lot of responsibility in some sort of codependency, something with my childhood that I think, you know, it came up as far as, like, familiarity and that sort of dynamic. And.

I'm sharing this not because. Not to shame the relationship, but you think you have it all together in recovery. Sometimes when you get time right and then something comes, it's a curveball. And what tends to happen sometimes is it doesn't matter if you have 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, 15 years.

We respond to that curveball in a way that positions us.

In a dynamic to where you can either recover or relapse. And it became a huge moment of adversity for me and.

Shame because I was like, here I am in the public eye on, you know, connected and on some of the most major media outlets sharing my story. And then in that moment, also talking about the importance of surrounding yourself with people to bring the best out in you.

And I'm in a relationship I don't want to be. I didn't want to be in at all. I just felt. I felt trapped. I don't even. It's like I feel. And I felt loyal to the fact that I can't let this go, because if I do, that means I'm a bad person.

Right.

If I abandon this person, that means I'm bad. If I abandon them, it means I'm gonna be like my dad who left my mom when I was five. Right.

Exactly.

And so I just want people to know that when you're. Whenever you have any kind of success, there's always gonna be something in your life that comes and kicks you between the legs when you least expect it, and it's gonna test you. I got tested so much this last year, and I'm honestly, like, very thankful that I had other people in my corner that were extremely supportive of me unconditionally during this situation.

Because I needed it. And it was something that, you know, if you're listening when you're going through hard times, that's why community is everything in that you're able to depict between the difference between isolation and solitude. And that when you' going through traumatic experiences or you're going through something that's challenging, leaning in on the people. Is this making sense?

Yeah. And I love what you said about.

You know, community first and foremost, and who you surround yourself with and, you know, feeling like, really recognizing. And I love this because I work with a lot of men as well, that they're afraid to leave certain situations. Exactly. For why you said they don't want to be like XYZ from their childhood. And what I of really like. I love that more men are talking about this because it's so. Because you're. I mean, you're the future of, you know, if you choose to have children one day. Like, it's really, really important if you don't want the cycle to continue like yours almost did in that relationship that we really address kind of what that was about. And I love that you said that, that even though that relationship wasn't for you and. And she may not have been a bad person, but she wasn't great for you, period.

I mean, that's the thing. That's what I will say is like.

You know, I wish her, you know, no ill will. You know, there's still obviously will be.

She was a gift. She was a gift for you to do next level healing.

And that was what it was. I was just like, you know, looking back, it was like what I needed to be like, okay, like, this is what reminds you of what you don't want in a relationship. It reminds you that. And it also reminds you that. That men can go through abuse too.

Oh, for sure.

And I think that one of my goals has always been just even before this, a lot of this happened to speak more out about abuse and the effects of it. Right. Because. Especially when it comes to addiction. Because, you know, you get. There's a certain level of addiction that gets addicted to a cycle or a certain pattern because it's almost like you're waiting for something to get better. You're waiting for someone to be nice or whatever it is, and you try to, like, not ruffle feathers. And in a sense, you sacrifice yourself. And I think that. Am I right?

Yeah. And then what happens is you cannot, like, you think you're staying in it for the greatest good for that person or if there's kids involved and that. But what happens is the bitterness and resentment and the recognition. You know, you recognize internally that you are not honoring you or your process, especially when you have as much awareness as somebody like you do.

Yeah, I mean, I agree. And I think I will never do that again. That is the biggest lesson that I. One of the biggest lessons I learned is I will never get to the point in a relationship where I resent my partner. I will never get to the point anymore where I look at my partner with, like, disgust and being like. I mean, but I think for me.

I'm just a. I just always felt, for some reason, codependent because I felt like I was trying to save her. I felt like there was always something. There was always an issue. Right. So I felt like, well, I can't leave now. I Can't leave now. I can't leave now. And I felt trapped. And I'm not saying that, like, you know, I never had feelings for him. You know, of course. You know, but it was never a good sign that within the first, like, three weeks of my relationship that I'm in therapy trying to figure out, like.

Mm.

If I should stay in this relationship or not for my own mental health. Because I just saw different red flags and I saw different things, and it's. Or having to screenshot text messages to be like.

And it just. I chose to continue to stay, and I chose to continue to put the smile on my face. I chose to eat crow. And that's something that I think is something that has never been healed in me because there's something inside of me. My ego. Loved being chased. Mm.

And needed.

Yeah, it needed. I loved it. And it goes back to. This is gonna sound really fucked up. It goes back to selling drugs. Like, I look back at the fact that I think I was her drug. Like, I really threw thinking away. I was like. And I felt needed in a sense that when I was selling drugs, the biggest. I mean, I didn't make money because I was putting all my nose. The more. The more important thing to me was my phone was blowing up all the time. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Significance, right?

Can I get this? Can I get that? Can I get. Get this? Can I get that?

Mm.

And there's a lot of people right now, and they probably wouldn't be saying what I'm saying. And I honestly, the reason I'm sharing this and being open is there's a few things. Number one.

Significance doesn't come from external things. Right. Significance comes from within.

But that's what people are chasing, is getting significance on the outside.

Exactly. And I thought that I was being significant by trying to save somebody and help somebody. And even, like.

Even though inside I resented and knew. I knew that I wasn't going to marry this person. I knew that they. We weren't alive. I just knew it. And I mean, it was multiple times I even expressed it in our relationship, but I still stayed in it.

Codependency is hands down the toughest addiction to break. Because a lot of times our, like, we can play that. What, I'm helping them, but I'm helping them. And it's this web that really fucks shit up.

Yeah. You go through, like, a detox. It was like. Like when we finally broke up, like, I literally. And this is like.

You know, I talked about this on somebody else was Asking me about the situation, like.

You know, I knew for me in my heart that this relationship was over, like, last fall. For me, I just knew it. I just saw certain things that I was like, this is not gonna work for me. And you continue to stay in things hoping that it gets back to the way it was at the beginning, right? And it just. Unfortunately, it doesn't. Like, I think when somebody shows you their cards, those are your cards. And just, like, when I show somebody my cards, I mean, there's certain. And I'm also going to say, by the way, like, I know I'm probably. I mean, not the easiest person to date. I'm around women all the time. I have a pot, I'm growing. I'm obsessed with personal growth, personal development. I'm hungry for success and purpose. And unless you're on that same train, you don't. It's hard to date. So, I mean, I'll throw that out there, too. Plus, I'm stubborn as hell anyway. So.

I say that and I look back and the whole codependency thing was, you know, I thought I'd gotten through. At the end of the year, we broke up and I was done. She kind of, you know, reached back out and wanted to get back together, and I didn't. I knew I didn't want to, but I did anyway. Why? Because I was like. I just. I just felt like she needed me. And I felt needed. And I felt like that if I. Was I going to blow a chance with somebody that I thought, quote, unquote, manifested me, you know, where I was a soulmate and this and that, am I going to blow this chance? But what happens, at least in my experience, especially when you have hit a point and a level of resentment, there's no going back.

And when you go back, you. It's not fair to that other person. Like, I mean, I really feel. I feel guilty. I mean, a little guilty in a way. I have not as much anymore that I didn't just cut it off back then, even though I knew in my heart it was, for me, it was over. My brain was in it because I was addicted to the importance of being needed. And. And so I don't know if I'm making sense. Am I making any sense?

Yeah. It's interesting because, you know, even though I have struggled with, you name the addiction, and I've had it other than drugs, pretty much every other addiction there is, I've kind of dabbled in it. And the. The whole codependency thing for me has been the most eye opening, you know, and in not just dating and romantic relationships, but even in friendships and as a parent, you know, I have to run it through the filter, every decision and every time I open up my mouth, because this is so powerful, this need to be needed. And we glorify it. We glorify it. You know, at least we're not an addict, right? But we, the addicts can't be in addiction without a codependent period, end of story. And whether it's a drug or a relationship or narcissism or any of the things. And I have to constantly. And this is probably what you've learned through this beautiful experience and this gift of this horrible, toxic relationship, which it is a gift, is that, you know, the ability to run it through a filter and say, okay, is this me wanting to be needed and feel good about myself, or is this for fun or for free or for the greatest good for them? And you and I both know, like, our greatest shit show became the very thing that pivoted us into greatness in our life. And I have to check myself all the time. Like, I can't rob anyone of their process, even if I know how this is going to end. And especially as a parent, like, it's like watching a car crash sometimes. And in relationships with friends or romantic partners, it's like, oh, it's going to hurt. But sometimes it has to hurt for people to change. And.

Really understanding that allows me to stay out of codependency a lot. Yeah, it's painful because I know that. I know that way more than I could.

It's like a drug, right? I think, especially when, if you go through traumatic experiences as a kid, and that's kind of what, you know, it's, you know, that's kind of what happens. It's funny. Like, you know, one of the things that I've struggled with and I'm finally. And I've come around to it, you know, you. You resent people for the way they treat you, and you resent people for how they act. But it's like, well, what's the blessing in it, right? Where's the. Where's the fruit? Because there's fruit in every situation. And I remember I was interviewing. We both know Christine Hassler. I was interviewing her, right, on my show. And I was just. And she. We were talking about it. I was like, you know, I got you on here. I might. We might as well. She's like, talk to me, whatever you want. We were talking about this situation. I was like, I Felt like I went backwards on my healing journey. Like, I really felt that. That I was, like, I thought that I was so much further along in my journey, and I was emotionally mature, and I think I'm very emotionally mature.

You needed that experience to take your healing to the next level. Like, you actually needed that.

Yeah, I did. And so she said, no, you're not. You're not. You're not. No, you're not broken. This is. And then you're not.

It's just, you're not.

You have to realize that things like this happen for you and not to you. There's no other way to look at it, because if you look at it in the sense that it's happening to.

You, it's gonna continue in a different package, just different wrapping paper. And you're gonna show up again.

Yeah. And taking the time to rehab, like, really being intentional. And there's every part of me that, like, doesn't want to do that. Right. As far as, like. But I know that.

I don't want to be.

In another relationship with somebody and carry baggage. We all have baggage. I don't use it in a bad way, but unhealed, unworked, through baggage into something else.

Well, you and I both know, the fact is, is, you know, when we. Until we're done on Earth, there's going to be stuff that we can only work on through relationship. The goal is to have enough awareness about it like you are now, that it's like, okay, like, I recognize this coming up. Okay. I don't have to react the same way or lean into this need to be needed or whatever it is, you know, insert, you know, your kind of style of operating. And, you know, there's only muscles that you can work in a certain situation. So I'm confident that you're gonna just. This is. I know that, you know, like. And this is the other thing. I'm sure that you're kind of. Because it's still kind of raw for you. Like, we can cognitively, in our brains, know that it was for us, but it still fucking hurts. It still fucking hurts, and we still have to feel it.

Well, I think what hurts, you know, the most is, you know, you think you have it all together. You think this reminds me very similarly to.

God. This is like. It's. When I first started becoming a Christian back in 2015, I was like, you know, I think I was freaking ripped. I had, like, 5, 6% body fat. I was, like, running around my shirt off all the time, being like, look at me like, I have all these abs, and I'm looking good and thinking about trying out for the Bachelor and doing all this stuff, and.

What ends up happening. I think what happened then was I had this crazy spiritual awakening that needed to happen because I quickly learned that there were still things I needed to work through. I still had a lot of resentment towards my parents. I had resentment towards the old Doug. I had resentment towards all these things that I hadn't let go of. And I. And I thought that exercising, I thought changing my friends and all that stuff was gonna do it for me. And it did for a long time. It carries you to a certain point. And I heard, and I'm a fan of Rachel Hollis. Like, I support what she does. And I remember hearing her say something like this at a conference. She said, what got you here isn't gonna get you there. Right? It was something like that. And I think. I don't know if that was her quote or she was quoting somebody else I wrote. I mean, I think I know. Just know that she said at a conference. And. And that hit. Hit me. It hits me, right? Hits me every time. What got you here isn't going to get you there. And that in that moment, back in 2015, I needed something else. That's where spirituality came into me. And I'm not. I don't jam it down anybody's throat. I'm like, would do you, like, work? Do what works for you? And then, like, you know, if it works, cool. If not, maybe look at something else. And so that same moment happened this year for me where I was like. I mean, it was. Really made me, like, last year into this year where I'm like, gosh, I thought I had it all together. Like, I'm on the Today show, and I'm in. You know, I'm with Tom Bilyeu, and I'm on these podcasts, I've written books, and I'm this and I'm that. I got at my own place, and I'm in a relationship, but how the fuck did I reinvent my childhood in my. How did that happen?

Mm.

And the same moment of clarity was like, I need to do some more work. And I literally, like, again, I hired a therapist, like, a month into my relationship. I ended up, like, seeking out different specialists for, like, EMDR and trauma because I was like, okay. Like, clearly, yep. Something inside of my subconscious is not healed. That I attracted something that, you know, was the situation. And again, I'm not saying that my partner is a bad person. I just know that dynamic of that type of relationship.

Was something that incredibly reminded me of a very, very dark time in my life, my childhood. And I knew that it just wasn't gonna work for me.

So what would you say to the men that are listening right now that, like, you're so.

Well, then, so and so, like, and here's the other. There's the last thing I'll say about it. And then I actually reached out to Stefanos. Like, he reached out to me about some Helping him with stuff. I was like, dude, I need your help to, like, I need to get out of this relationship. Like, I feel, like, stuck. And this is back, like, earlier in 2020. And then I do not explain to my situation. I was just like, dude, like, I need help, man. Like, I. Like there's something subconsciously it's keeping me stuck. It was almost like doing heroin. Like, it's almost like doing something you know isn't good for you, but you're doing it anyway, you know, it's not good for you. You know, you should stop doing it, but you just keep doing it.

Yep.

So, I mean, anyway, I'll go ahead.

And I think that, like, a lot of women are free. Like, they feel like they can talk about this. You know, somebody like me who's a little bit. Who has, like, a little more masculine energy, definitely wouldn't have until, like, I had my own shit show. But I think that there's a lot of men starting to realize that whether they're seeing this stuff play out through their own children, and they're like, holy shit, I don't want to repeat this. I don't want to repeat this, but I don't know how to repair it. What would you say to a guy that's listening right now that knows he needs to.

Unlearn some old stuff to, like, say, okay, I need help. What is the first thing that you would have that you would, like, advise somebody to do that needs some kind of, like, let's. Let's unpack some of this baggage that we've got that we've kept under lock and key but is showing up in people places and things.

Well, I mean, I think there's a lot that can be done. It's gonna take a lot of time. I think one of the first things can do is be self aware of where you're at right now. Like, what is it that's triggering you? What is it that's reminding you? I mean, the word trigger, by the way, gets so overused these days. I think, like, so many people use it as an excuse to act out and behave a certain way where really triggering just means that there's something that's happening that's presenting itself in a much more magnified way because of something that happened prior in your life. Right? So look at what the situation is and then say like just journaling out, like, what does this remind me of? Was that situation good or bad? If it's bad, you might not. You might want to like address that and work on that and also know that your shit is your shit. Like, you got to like, nobody else is responsible for your work but you. So doing the work, making sure you're looking yourself in the mirror and saying, am I happy with where I'm at right now? Like, and then asking some serious questions. If the answer is yes, like, really look into, like, okay, like if I'm from happy, like, what then? What can I. What's good about my life? Where are some areas that I could improve? I wanted to. Maybe I'm just gonna chill out right now, but it seems like if some of these guys that are listening are just not happy, like, why? What are you not happy with? And then what's your role in that? Because I think so many times we pass the buck off to somebody else and saying, oh, sorry, I just hit my table.

We passed the buck on to somebody else and saying, you know what? I'm not happy because of them, I'm not happy because of that, or I'm not happy because of this. When really what it boils down to, you're not happy with yourself. There's something inside of you that is not happy.

Right. And I think that, you know, we've talked about shame and guilt. Those use, those words have been used throughout this and you know, shame and guilt, zero good to do in your growing. And it's under, like, it's important to understand that like you have to connect the dots and look back at it. But when we can look through it rather than the lens of shame and guilt, but love and compassion for ourselves, because there's a little young man living inside of you that did experience that, that wasn't seen, heard or understood. And it's up to us to really bring that little part of us to the surface so we can have love and compassion. Because I guarantee if a little six year old Doug was sitting in front of you, verbally say all the shit to him that you say about yourself ever. And when we can look at ourselves through the lens of love and compassion, that when we know better, we do better. And even this last year for you, like the fact that maybe you didn't see all that coming, but now you do. And when you know better, you can do better moving forward. And it doesn't mean we take out the whipping stick and beat ourselves up for that. You know, I have a plenty of decades of stuff that, you know that now I'm seeing play out with my own children. And I could very easily feel guilt about that, but that's not going to make things better. Love and compassion and truth and honesty and accountability will. So I love that you said that. So your Adversity Advantage podcast definitely talks about all sorts of shit like this, right? Yeah, I love that. Also, I know that you do mindset and coaching like that, and I love that you and I both like, talk about it, because I think so much we see coaches or even therapists, like, you assume that that coach has it all together. They've arrived. But I think what is so attractive about your coaching and mine is, like, listen, like, it's a constant evolution process. Curve balls will be thrown into our life. No matter how fucking great of a coach I am, the curveballs come fast and hot and hit me in the chin sometimes. Right. And I love the fact that that's why you are a credible coach, is because you're constantly working on it. And I love that. So how can people find you? Your podcast, you on Instagram, your coaching, how can they find you?

Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that. I think being real and raw is what builds authentic connection. I think Brene Brown says something along the lines of vulnerability is the bridge to connection, something like that. And it's why I believe, like, community and recovery is so powerful. Because you raise your hand, you're like, you know what? Like, I have a problem. And they're like, oh, well, me too. Oh, I've had that problem, and I can help you. So I try to be. I just try to share, like, real time. Like, I don't have it all together at all. But I've learned a lot of crap along the way that has positioned me to be able to.

Help other people who may be further behind on their journey or maybe other people that have gone through similar situations are going through to help.

To help them grow. And so I do that through the Adversity Advantage podcast, where I interview people from all walks of life on how they've really taken some hard stuff and turn it into something amazing. And I also bring on health experts from different walks of life on neuroscience and genetics and fitness and nutrition, just to show different Modalities and tools to get through. And I've also been able to do a lot of coaching, like, mindset coaching. And I say mindset coaching, it's not like, just, okay, like, think positively. It's like, no, like, really, like, digging deep into people being like, okay, like, what are your habits you're doing right now? Who are you surrounding yourself with? What's your, like, work life balance? Look, like, you know, what are your goals? What's your purpose? What meaning do you have? What meaning do you have in these situations? And then, like, walking them through that in a way that is conducive to helping them heal. And I think it's really important for people to understand that no matter what they're going through right now, that there's. There's meaning in it.

Mm.

And it's up to you whether you're gonna see it or not. I mean, if you want to look at it as woe is me, that's what you're gonna see is woe is me like, a mo this and that.

Mm.

But if you look at it and, like, wow, like, I can't believe that happened to me, but I'm a freaking crush it and bounce back better than ever. Like, I'm like, I firmly believe that there's going to be. Out of my last year is going to be a. Another book that pops out because I feel like I heal through writing. My next relationship is going to be, you know, with amazing. Just because it's like, I look at, like, everything else that's happened. Setbacks become blessings. Right. And.

And so I also love to speak and really to talk through God. I mean, the message I believe God gives me to kids in high school so they don't go down the same rabbit hole of addiction that I went down. And it's just. I try to do it just out of love and out of authenticity and kindness. And I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes. I still say stuff. I'm like, man, I wish I shouldn't have done that or said that or. But the thing is, I have enough awareness around it to take responsibility for when I know I need help or know I need to. To own up to something I did that was wrong.

I love it. I love it. And, you know, I think that you can attest this for those of you listening that are maybe buried in shame or guilt or, like, who the fuck am I to do XYZ in the world, right? But Doug and I are both, like, the things that we tried to hide for the longest Time and. And keep under wraps are the very thing that we're loved for today and respected for today. So I want you guys to know that, like, those very things that you are burying are. You know, one of my friends, Natalie, I don't know if you know who she is, she said our greatest wound is, like, backed up to our greatest gift. And they pretty much are. Like, my greatest gift has become being an addict. Like, because it's through recovery that I can actually use the things that God put in me all along. But I had to figure that out through the process of addiction and recovery. And I think you're the same way. So for those of you listening right now that feel like, who the fuck am I? Yeah, who the fuck are you? Like, let's. Let's bring it to the surface. And Doug can definitely help you with that. Obviously, I'm here too, and we would love to help you through that process. So, Doug, where can they find you, like, if they want to follow along other than the podcast?

So, ladies, my phone number is joking.

I love it.

I'm kidding. No ugbopes on Instagram. And if they go to dougbopes.com they can check out my information on speaking. They can check out, you know, how they can hire me to do presentations, what I do, some of the media stuff, more about my story, my journey. And like, I guess, you know, my intention for sharing today is it's like I try to share, like, real time adversity and stuff I'm going through and how I'm getting through it. Because.

I think so many people look at somebody like myself or Tracy or whoever else they maybe look up to or follow, and they're like, oh, man. Like, must be nice not to have trouble or have their shit together. And we all struggle. It's just a matter of how we struggle. That counts, right? Like, how are we embracing the struggle? Are we embracing the struggle in a way that is conducive to the way we want to be in our highest self? Are we embracing it in a way that we would, you know, not be proud of? So I think it all comes back to our choices.

I love it. Doug, thanks for being here today. I think that for sure, this landed at least where one person needed to. And for me, you and I both know the ripple effect of one person changing their life. So thanks for being on today. I appreciate you so much.

Thanks for having me.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today. It would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.