94: Radical Honesty and how the Enneagram can help you unpack it all with elegance

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and ethos, an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And one of the questions I get all the time when it comes to the Enneagram. And you know, as you, so many of you are diving deeper into this and I'm hearing you, I'm hearing you, you guys are obsessed with it and not any cutesy, fun party favor kind of way. But like you really want to use this tool effectively in your businesses, in your leadership, whether it's in your business or home. And you've heard me talk about how important it is if you're going to use this as a tool that you're typed properly. And when we are in the self discovery process, I understand how difficult it can be, especially if you are one of those that, you know, don't remember a lot or you've blocked it out or you know, insert why for you. And you know, I've been at this almost a decade and the self discovery process is not for the weak of heart for sure. It takes a level of radical honesty without too much emotional charge to it. Right. And the first time we start diving deep into this, and especially with the people that I work with, it is an emotional process for sure, because we're uncovering a lot of the stuff that may have hurt, may have caused pain to ourselves or others. There might be regret.

All the things, right? And so if you are wanting to really use this in your life, in your leadership, whether it's love, business, parenting, health, family, relationships, whatever that is for you. I love helping people really unpack this because so many of you have taken the tests that are online and it's confusing because you may take it three or four different times and you get a different answer every time. And there's lots of reasons why I will do other episodes on that. So what do you do if you feel like you are more than one type number on the Enneagram? And I get this a lot, and you have heard me tell the story about the first time that I was exploring the Enneagram in therapy, in rehab with my therapist almost a decade ago. And she definitely thought I could be one of three for sure. And if you were to look at all the behaviors, if you didn't know me to my core very well and you looked at all my behaviors, you probably would have me pegged as a different number than I actually am, a different type than I am. So what do you do? What do I do? And there are two ways you are radically honest with yourself. You take an assessment. And I'm going to emphasize that the assessments are just a first step. It is not the end all, be all. It is the first part in kind of unpacking what this looks like for you.

So why does it happen that, you know, sometimes we will take the tests or the assessments and they come out different or why are they 65 to 70% of the time inaccurate? And, you know, I for myself, if you had looked at me and before I would reveal anything to anybody, I would just look like this, you know, get it done kind of girl. Most people would assume I'm a three and achiever on the Enneagram because you put something in front of me, I'm going to get it. I'm going to tackle it. The Enneagram isn't so much about what we do, but it's about why we do it. And that's why I love the Enneagram as a tool so much. The other personality assessments out there are amazing for habits and behaviors. But I have found if we don't get to the root of why we do things, all of the changes that we make to change habits and patterns are just a temporary fix, a band aid. And the sustainability is almost next to zero.

So why does this happen? A lot of times when we're taking the assessments, we are answering based on our behaviors, right? Coping mechanisms, things that we have been trained to do. So I'll use myself as an example, and I'll use a few of my client examples as well. So for me on the outside, if you were to write down my behaviors, everything would look like a three, right? I am driven, I am competitive. I image conscious. I, you know, all the things, I get it done.

I can kind of look narcissistic sometimes. I'm just being honest. I'm not. But I can Appear that way I can appear like I don't get emotional, right? If you didn't know me very well and all those things can be true. I've had moments in my life where all of that's been true. Those are behaviors. The core motive for three, however, is they believe that they, their worth.

Their value is in what they do or how they appear. And that is not a motive for me at all. However, when I was looking at the Enneagram and I looked at the eight, they have some of the same, similar behaviors, but different. But the motive of why I am competitive, driven, knock the shit out of goals, can sometimes appear non emotional is because the motive of everything that I do is based on the eight, which is I don't want to have to rely on anybody. I don't want to be put in a vulnerable situation. Like the three needs recognition to know that they're doing well, that they're worthy. In fact, for me, I don't like recognition at all. I actually don't like it. It feels super vulnerable to me. So that's how we can appear different. We can kind of feel like we have different numbers. And the truth of the matter is, is at our healthiest state we should be able and would love to be able to embody bits and pieces of all nine types, which is great, right? Also sometimes the subtypes, the instinctual patterns that we.

Self preservation, there is social, there is one to one or what's called sexual.

Subtypes which are our instinctual patterns and how we react to situations. And those can alter how your type looks. But everything about this goes to the motive of everything you do. And when I was unpacking this because you know, I've had a lot of trauma in my life, a lot. And when I think back and, and know if you're going to discover like do the self discovery process on your own, just give yourself a lot of grace and know that it might take a while. And like I said, the amount of radical honesty that you have to have is scary sometimes. And that's why working with a guide can be super helpful. They can be objective. You know, I've been doing this a long, long time and I can ask a lot of questions that get you to the answer a lot faster. You know, I personally have three coaches and a therapist, so I need lots of guides in my life. So there's, there's something to be said especially if you want to use this as a tool to have a guide take you through it. But as far back as I Can remember as you know, I remember the age of three, like two or three. I remember my first memory, but it was the age of four that I remember very distinctly. And this didn't just like this has been a process the last decade of really like understanding my childhood and remembering things. I didn't remember a lot about my childhood, but I remember very distinctively as a four year old hearing certain things that made me discern that everything fit into two categories. Weak or strong, weak or strong. And then my judgments came on people, places and things. Was this weak or is this strong? And that is the core motive of an 8. They don't want to ever be perceived as weak. That's why they hide their vulnerabilities. That's why an 8 does not want to have to ever rely on anybody for anything, whether it's material, emotional, spiritual. It's hard for them sometimes. But at the age of four, I very distinctly remember, like it was solidified. Was I always born with that kind of nature? Yes, I believe so. And then life kind of happens and it gets solidified. Now, why we can feel like different types also is, you know, there's the wings. And if you aren't familiar with the wings, I will do more extensive podcasts on this that can add a little extra sparkle and complexity to how your personality and how your type gets expressed. You know, as a child, if you had looked at me in my home, I looked very nine, like, very peacemaker, like I was quiet as a mouse, but put me out on the playground and the eight came out. Later in life, put a drink in me and my seven wing came out. You can see how we can embody different types. Although I can take on my wing nine, my motive is never that of the nine. I can take on the expressive enthusiast personality of a 7, but I am not motivated. Like a 7 is. My subtype is self preservation. So that brings a whole other element to who I am. And then we have the growth and stress points which we can mimic other things. So let's say somebody like me who's an eight under stress, I can take on the qualities of an average to unhealthy 5. And you know, there are tight, like if you're torn between two types, and I see this happen all the time, especially with three sevens and eights, because they're energetic, future driven ones, Twos and sixes, they're, you know, very.

Emotional, but they need some certainty. They need clarity, 4, 5 and 9. Kind of more analytical but heart centered as well, you know, so a lot of those can fall in the same category. So when, when I was at the beginning of this, looking at 3 and 8, 3 and 8, I can look like a 3. But when I look at the motive behind every single thing I've ever done, everything I do, every decision I make, every conversation I have, every vulnerability I show is rooted in the motive of the eight. So you can appear and take on the qualities of the other ones, especially with growth and stressors wings subtypes. But if you look at the motive of why you do everything you do, that will help you land in on your type. And that's hard to look at sometimes. When I look back at parts of my life and I realize sometimes I blocked out a lot of really great things by being in that motive of I don't want to appear vulnerable, I had to do a lot of things the hard way because I wouldn't ask for help or be willing to let anybody see me in a vulnerable state.

I can look at that now with compassion because I think back to that little 4 year old who was discerning that things are either strong or weak. There was no gray area or yeah, there was no gray area. As I've evolved and gotten healthier, I obviously see gray areas and I've actually recognized that the vulnerability is the strength of the eight. So what do we do? What do we do about this? Right? You either have a guide or you give yourself a lot of grace that this might take a while. But when you're looking at two types, let's say you like, you think you're a one or a two, I'll use my son as an example. So I know, no question about it, he's a two. He has a very strong one wing. And most people, most of his peers, most people that know my son would say, oh my gosh, he's so one, he's so one. And no doubt about it, that boy has the strongest one wing I've ever seen. And for a while there was a time, I think it was about two years ago, he was fighting me, he was, mom, I don't know if you know what you're talking about. I think that I'm a one. And I'm like, you absolutely have every trait of a one, everything. And I would, I put him in a situation, There was a situation where he was having me do a typing session with one of his friends and he was kind of sitting in on it and I was asking some of the hard questions that I asked and he was getting emotional and he was like oh, my gosh, I can't listen. And I was like. And I stopped in the middle of the session with his friend, and I looked at him, I said, and that right there is why you're a two. Like the heart, the. The needing to take care of people. Like with, with. With his giving, helping spirit. I said, your motive is always rooted in that, but your expression can always look like a one. It does. I mean, the kid is like black or white, OCD a little bit in some healthy ways, right? So again, like, with him, it's looking at the motive. The motive of a two wins every time. His behaviors might look like that. And when he played sports, he had a strong three wing. I mean, he was the most competitive kid on every athletic thing he ever did. He won everything. He was the captain of everything, right? But at the core motive of everything he did, it was rooted in the two. Another one of my clients who actually is a good friend of mine, she mistyped as an 8. She appears. Most people would listen to her and think she's an eight. She's very aggressive. I mean, she talks about having zero fucks and all of that, which is a very eight energy. But as I got to know her and, and talk to her, she had those qualities. She definitely had the energetic behaviors of an 8. She has a temper. She is.

Definitely can walk in a room and take over it. You hear her. She's loud in energy and voice. But when I got to know her and I asked her questions, all of that was rooted in her need for certainty. Everything that she does, everything that she communicates, everything that every decision she makes is based on certainty. So one of the things that I tell people is, you know, one of the easier parts in doing this is looking at the triads, right? And if you know anything about the enneagram, you know that three types fall into one of three categories. There's either the body or the gut triad. So they kind of process things instinctually in their gut. Then there's three that fall into the heart or feeling triad, where they make decisions and discern things based on emotions and feelings. And then there's three types that fall into the head triad, where they run things through the. The brain filter and the thinking filter before they make decisions or process anything. And so that's usually where, like, if you have, you know, numbers. So for me, having an eight or a three in my top two, you know, in the gut triad or the body triad, their underlying emotion is anger. And just because you're angry doesn't mean that that's necessarily you. Because sixes can appear angry. 1, Fours can appear angry, like they can all appear angry. But the core motive of the three in the body or instinctual triad is justice, right? A3 is not about justice. The twos, the threes and the fours which fall in the heart triad, the feeling triad, their underlying emotion is shame. And even though you may not see it always in those three types, you know, outwardly they're core motive in everything that they do has something to do with significance. So that's a three, right? I am not at all about significance. I am more about justice. Right. The other three that fall in the head triad, the 5, 6 and 7, their underlying emotion is fear or anxiety. Again, you may not see it outwardly all the time, but the core motive for Everything for a 5, 6 and 7 is certainty. Certainty. And so that can help you kind of narrow it down, especially if you're not sure about your type, kind of breaking it down into that, and that might help you. This also helps me when I'm talking to people. I can kind of gauge pretty quickly by the questions that I ask whether I'm leading, loving parenting and figuring out kind of who I'm talking to. Like I said, it's not our job to start typing people. I mean, this is what I do for a living. But I don't want you to fall into the trap of, you know, taking the responsibility of typing people because it's not your job at all. But if we want to know how to maybe more effectively communicate, taking the triads into account when you're talking to somebody and asking questions to understand if their motive is rooted in significance, certainty or justice. And then you can alter how you.

Deliver information, knowing that if I'm talking to a 5, 6 or 7, that their need for certainty is very, very strong. I will dialogue and my points across that feed that. Not to manipulate, but to make them feel like I am a safe place to fall, that they can have trust in me. Because communication is everything, whether it's in leadership and business, parenting, love, friendship, any of it. Having trust in each other is the foundation of any kind of relationship. And if you can speak to their core motives, that will definitely help. And because I'm doing it in integrity, it's why people do trust me. Now, if you're talking to an 8, 9 or 1 knowing that they are about justice and having that, you know, the eights definitely are very justice seeking. The nines want peace. They're all about peace. And the ones are about good and bad right or wrong. And knowing that, like speaking to that motive, they don't give a shit about significance. They really, really don't. The eights, nines and ones don't need to be on the stage speaking to all the crowds. They really, really don't. Now, if they have to speak about right or wrong or this is the way it is for the greatest good, you know, you'll see them step up. But knowing that, like, if you are trying to motivate an 8, 9 or 1 by a shiny object, they won't give a shit. And they will feel like, you know what? You don't really know me. Right? And so if you're talking then to the heart triad, the twos, threes and fours, knowing that they are rooted in significance. Now, a 2 feels significant by being of service. A 3 feels significant by crushing goals and winning. And fours feel significant by stepping into their authentic self and finding themselves and their uniqueness. So they all are differently motivated by significance, but at the core of who they are, its significance. So words of affirmation are really, really powerful for the heart triad. Very, very powerful. They don't care so much about acts of service, but those affirmation words are really, really important. And so, like, if you're talking to people knowing that, or if you're trying to figure out what you're different, like what type you really, really are, those are some things that can really help you narrow it down. Now, you've heard me say there's so many complexities to the Enneagram. There is so much. And I would love to help you put all the puzzle pieces together. It is literally my favorite thing to do all damn day. I love puzzles. I love human puzzles. I love psychology puzzles. And this is the beautiful part about the Enneagram is you can look back on your life and even the hard parts. Like I can look back on the really hard parts about my life today with so much love and compassion and even some of the shitty decisions that I've made along the way. Because as I put all these pieces of my personal puzzle together, I realized that they all mattered. And every single piece of it had to happen for me to step into my greatness and who I am today. And if that is you and that is what you are craving for your life, please don't hesitate to reach out through the end of the year. I know for sure I will be doing coaching one on one with people. It is one of my favorite things to do. So you can go to Tracey o' Malley dot com. Go to the Work with Me section and you can see the options of working with me there. Whether it's just a typing session or taking yourself through the Enneagram experience, or diving super deep into your puzzle pieces with me, I can do that too. I love it, love it, love it. And if you are loving what I am teaching you and sharing with you on the Enneagram, I would love if you shared this podcast. And if you really love it, please leave five star Review. I love the words I don't need the stars so much as your words. I want to know what you need, what you're desiring from this education and integration that I'm bringing you all day long here on this podcast. If you love this, share it, tag me on Instagram. I would love to hear what you're thinking and what you're learning. And until next time, here's to Becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in today. The Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalli and I have tons of of free resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work.

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