97: Learning to Give Zero Fu*ks and excel in all areas of your life with Tiffany Carter (Enneagram 6)

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose, profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up. Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. And we are rounding out the shit show of 2020. And I, I say that with fun. I believe that so much great has come out of 2020 personally, even even though it was uncomfortable for a lot of us and it is uncomfortable still for so many people. And today you are in for a treat. You, you probably are looking at this year. And I've seen the memes out there. Like, I'm not counting this year on my age because I didn't actually get to live it right. And the reality is so many of you have been operating like that even before quarantine and Covid. You've been operating as though you know what? I get another year. Like, this one doesn't count. This one doesn't count. And how many more years are you going to piss away not living what you want to do right? You're afraid, but you want more. You want to do this, but you don't want the pain. Shit don't work that way. And how many more years are you going to look back and say I'm in the same place or even worse than I was last year? Well, I'm bringing you my bestie here because she's a zero fucks given. Tell it like it is the way that I like it girl. She's a top level, high level business coach, multimillionaire entrepreneur, one of the best podcasters in the world as well. Like, she is so entertaining but like tells it like it is and straight shoots it. That's why she is my best friend because I don't tolerate that. Like, like I need bottom line me. And this is the girl that does it. She's helped thousands of people not only create but build very successful sustainable businesses even through times like, now, she's helped people completely pivot their entire direction in their life through her strategy, through her wisdom, through her heart. And I knew that here we are, almost done with this year with, I think, 2020. If. If it's done nothing else for you, it has shifted the way that you look at things and. And perspective and what really is important to you. And I think now more than ever, you want to go into 2021 saying, you know what? I'm going to take 2020 and use it as something great, as a lesson, as a perspective shift. And there is nobody better than my. My dear friend, Ms. Tiffany Carter. Hi, babe.

Wow, I'm liking this introduction. I'm blushing, though, but thank you.

Did I speak like butter? Did I. Did my voice sound like.

You're. Honest to God, when I interviewed you for my shows, like, if only my voice sounded like yours, because I'm so tired of hearing myself, and I cringe. Yours is so, like, smooth and sultry. I'm like, dude, you give good phone.

Really do.

I can't stand my voice. But you know what? I've had a few people say that. They're like, you're so relaxing.

I'm like, well, yeah, now you give good phone. I can see why. You've made millions using the damn phone.

You know what? Hey, it works. It's so funny because your voice is so distinct. And I know that for. For a long, long time that was a big insecurity of yours, right? And what I love is that it's so distinct, like, because I know. And even my children, when I have your podcast on, they're like, oh, it's Tiffany. Like, yeah. And they know. They stop and listen because they know, like, good shit's going to come out of your mouth. So it's good that your voice is very different.

Thank you. Yeah. I mean, I also had people in my life, you know, as I'm sure a lot of your listeners. You know, when we're on, when we're unhealthy, or even when we're healthy. Right. There's toxic people all around us. And I had people who made fun of my voice a lot. Even as, you know, a TV former TV newscaster, I had people make fun of my voice or imitate it, kind of like thinking it was funny. But when you're insecure about something and someone imitates you, it's not funny Now. Now I don't care. Now, I think it is funny, but it's like, I was. I was. So. I think that's why it took me so long to start a podcast because of my voice. That was probably my biggest insecurity. My. And my hair. Those were the two. And because I'm not very good at math.

You're so funny.

Those are the three things I would say I was the most insecure about.

You know how to count money, though.

Exactly.

That's all that matters.

Amen, sister.

I mean, the only math that's really.

And I do know, like, PI, isn't it like 3.1415? Like, I remember that from school. Which, by the way, like, who cares? Do we ever use that for anything? No, no.

I know how to work a calculator and multiply dollars. That's good. So I know that a lot of people are listening right now, and they've had it. Like, they've been in quarantine and we were just talking before we hit record. Some mutual friends of ours, you know, when we are just go, go, go, go, go. I think when we are able and have the ability to do that, we can push aside a lot of the stuff that our insecurities, the things that we don't want to, like, face, all of that. But with 2020 happening and then quarantine, and especially you in California, like, you guys have next level quarantine compared to the rest of us over here. I think that as we're rounding out this year and going into Thanksgiving next week, people really want to make a change. And you are a master facilitator in change for people. But you've had to go first and do that. Like, you've. You've had to change a lot of parts of your life based on how you were brought up. And, you know, you were my very first interview back almost a year ago, which is crazy. We're almost.

Wow.

We're Almost at episode 100 now.

No way. Yeah. God, I remember that day really well, too.

Oh, my God. Remember? I was, like, freaking out, dying. It's crazy. So for you to, like, people see Tiffany Carter today and think, oh, she's got this shit together. She's dancing in her bathroom like, zero fucks. Like, zero fucks didn't come naturally for you. And as an enneagram 6, you actually give a lot of fucks about everything. So how do you get to that sweet spot of, like, zero fucks but actually give enough fucks to make shit happen?

What a great question and so true. I mean.

I was raised in a very abusive household. I was sexually abused and pimped out from the ages of 11 to 21 years old, so I had no zero self worth, but I knew how to, like, like, kind of fake it on the outside. Like, I knew people who are confident, stood up straight and they didn't speak really softly like this, you know, like, I knew things I needed to do in order to appear like I was okay. I cared so much about everything. I mean, I was bullied in school. I am hyper vigilant as a result of, you know, having PTSD and trauma. So you're right. Like, cared way too many fucks. And it's part of, like my enneagram type, right? Like we. We are scanning and preparing always for anything. And it took me 10 years to start, you know, this personal brand and coaching business Project me with Tiffany Carter 1, because I had a lot more work I had to do, and God knew that it would not have been an integrity. I was a hot mess. But there's probably four years of it. Like, I could have started probably about four years sooner, and I didn't because I went, I'm not, you know, skinny bobblehead Polly the Influencer. And it looked to me from my own assessment, you know, because this is what Sixes do, right? Totally from my own assessment that if you really wanted to be. That was weird. That was my lights just turned on and off when I said that. That was what?

So weird.

Whoa.

That was angels.

I was like, okay. Wow. That was crazy.

Okay.

All right.

There's a lot of energy going on here right now, folks, so you better freaking listen to the end, all right? I don't even know what I was saying.

What was scanning everything.

Oh, yeah, scanning heads, right? So I was like, okay, I'm going to have to be much skinnier. I'm going to have to, like, you know, be bouncing around on the beach and having tons and tons of fancy pictures taken in me and where the long, flowy, flowery dresses and, you know, the bow. The boho hat, which I did buy dying. I mean, if you guys don't know me, go to my Instagram at Project Me with Tiffany and you determine if a boho hat really fits my personality or even the shape and size of my head.

Spoiler alert. It would not.

I bought the boho hat.

Not just a cheap one.

No, I got a Gucci boho hat because it had to be Gucci, because that was also what I saw online, right? You had to have all. You had to do all the things. And I was like, oh, my God, I can't. I can't be this person. That sounds exhausting that sounds like so much work. It sounds like my mother. Okay, we'll go there. Yeah, sounds like Mommy dearest. Which those of you who are old enough to remember that movie Mommy Dearest, like, I literally grew up like that, like to an uncanny way. So to me, all those people that you guys see, you know, with the comparison, itis online that they all looked like my mom to me. And I was like, I didn't want to have to be that. That seemed like so much work. So the zero fucks given thing didn't happen truly. I would say I wasn't even truly in that zone until about a year and about a year ago. Maybe a year ago, plus maybe a year and a half ago. It takes time. So I don't expect anyone who I coach or anyone who's listening all of a sudden, right, like a light hits you. And now I'm going to go on video and now I'm going to do this. Like, you don't have to dance to get in that zone. It came from me doing obviously a crap ton of work on myself, but it also came from me showing up. It came from me showing up online on video just as myself. And the more I did it, the more I got comfortable. And quite Frankly, I get DMs all the time. Like I showed you. I showed you examples of some of them when we were in Cabo. I mean, I get them all the time about how dare you mention God. And also swear that's vulgar, that's not Christlike, you know, I get all sorts of stuff like that. But that helped me. It helped me because it's like if my mission is my mission bigger than this, is my mission bigger than my ego, if I'm really following my divine path, my God driven path, then I, even though my ego might be bruised sometimes or it doesn't feel good when I don't get that many likes on a post or something like that, my mission's bigger than that. And that's truly how I was able to step in that zero fucks.

So I know that a lot of people follow you because they want to embody what zero fucks is. And I'm zero fucks too. But you'll never see me dancing or, or doing a reel or any of those things. So my zero fucks looks very different than your zero fucks. But I notice that people assume when they watch you that they have to do a dance in their bathroom or they have to pull out the ice roller and ice roll their face and that's Giving zero fucks. But that not. That's mimicking and that's. I don't even call it fake, but that might not be true to them.

So.

So how do you help people get to the zero fucks that feels authentic for them? Because if you were my coach and you were like, okay, Trace, to be zero fucks, you need to get in your bathrobe and have like a sports bra on. And like, no, that would be a big no for me. So, like, let's say you're working with somebody like me who back in the day, prior to, let's say, two years ago, I think that both of us got to zero fucks when we met each other in a. I really agree. Next level, zero fucks. So let's say you're dealing with somebody like me who's a little bit more.

Hard.

That was fun. That was fun.

Let's just call it that. And like you, you can see very clearly what's holding me back. How would you kind of guide me to get to that zone? I mean, you love when I get to zero fucks. Tracy, Mama T zone.

Like, you love it.

How would you got. Cause I don't always go there. And you know, when I'm not, you're sitting with somebody like me that you see so much in. And you know, like, girl, if this. If this. This girl just flipped her hat backwards and threw those glasses on and gave zero fucks and went to Mama T.

I fucking love that look. When you go there, I just know I can feel the energy. Even if you didn't have that look going, it's about. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of the greatness that's in us and help getting out of your own way, of what God, what the universe, your higher power has for you. We stand in the own way. So often second guessing, are we really supposed to be doing this? Am I being like, too bold, too big? Am I being obnoxious? There's so many things that stand in the way and just reminding you of what's already in there and mirroring that back to you and also reminding you of what greater purpose that serves and what happens if you don't show up. It is selfish to not show up in this. It is. It is selfish to not show up as a hundred percent who you are and zero fucks about it. Because the ripple effect of that is so powerful that you are robbing someone else who needs to see a woman who's exactly like you be at that point. It's also really vulnerable to show up at zero fucks, which I know you know as an eight, you guys don't like that. It's very vulnerable because now you're showing.

Up as you an eight can show up zero fucks. But it's a cover. Like, I used to show up, like, in that. Enter that masculine energy. And it appeared zero fucks, but it actually was a lot of fucks because I was keeping people behind a wall. So how do you discern that with people, like, able to recognize, like, oh, they're just modeling me versus that's really who they are.

It's ego. I can. I can see it in the ego. I use my intuition.

And I think a lot of you see it when you're scrolling online too. It's how you feel. I always say you can't fake energy and you can't out strategize a broken mindset. You can't out strateg energy. That's off, right? So you might not know necessarily why you're not clicking like, or why you unfollow someone or why you don't really want to watch their stuff or just doesn't make you feel right. It's because something's off. But on the flip side, what makes certain people so polarizing is when they're truly in that grounded zone. It's the grounded part that I feel is. Is the common denominator of the healthy zero fucks, where it's like, you know what? I'm showing up as me. I know that the real me is needed out there. And I don't care what you have to say about it. What you do is your business. What you think of me is none of my business. And I'm going to show up regardless, because I'm on a fucking mission here, people. And I really care about the greatest good more than anything.

I also find that when you feel the need to defend it, that means there's some element of truth to what they're saying and you're not fully in your authentic self. Because I know when I'm in the mama T zone where I really don't care what anybody thinks. Like, we experienced that in Cabo, you know, when you and I were together and somebody was saying some stuff about me and I didn't care. I didn't care. But all of a sudden, I started feeling something inside, and I was like, all of a sudden getting angry. And it came down to this. It's selfish for me not to show up. And for somebody like me who's had to show up all the time when I hear that, it's like, I almost want to withhold. Right? So I know that you've worked with a lot of people that have experienced trauma that I have grew up the way that I grew up with, and they've, like, you've even said this like, you always have to be the one. Like, you always have to be the one. So when I hear it's selfish for me to not to show up, I'm like, well, fuck, of course. But there's a different energy to, like, showing up as myself versus showing up because I'm taking one for the team.

Exactly. It's not showing up as you sacrificing yourself. It's actually showing up for yourself and for the greatest good. But not in sacrifice. Right? Like, so here's, here's an example, you know, and I know you shared it on my show, so I can share it. Like, you, you were. You were processing a bunch of stuff and you needed to pull back from showing up on social media to best serve to process stuff. So then you can come back and serve at your greatest. Right? But that's showing up. That's zero fucks. That's showing up for yourself, your family. And processing yourself not showing up could look like you coming and forcing yourself to come on, you know, come online and do it anyway. You're not serving anybody.

I love that you just said that because I think there are a lot of people, ourselves included, that we take the responsibility seriously of somebody that is in the online space building a brand. I've been at it for a long, long time. You're new to the personal brand thing in the last few years, and there is a responsibility and consistency. But this showing up fully zero fucks for yourself first is really, really important. And sometimes that means pulling back. So, you know, you've. You're part of my everyday life. And so you do see what that internal thing looks like. And this time it was a lot easier for me to do just because I have gotten into that zone of knowing that. So when you're dealing with a lot of people, I know so many come to you for the business strategy. Business strategy. Because you are honestly, you guys, like, this is the person I send people to. Because she not only has the brilliant business strategy, the actual building a business, not just online, she's not just like Polly the influencer who, like, made $500,000 in 2.2 seconds. Like, she built, like, she's built things, lost things, built them again. She's built stuff offline online. She can Have a conversation in a boardroom. She can have a conversation on Instagram. Like, she's the most well rounded business owner, business coach I've ever met in my life. So you can go to Project Me with Tiffany right now and just like DM her, get on her books. Like you want to work with her, but you're working with somebody like me and, and you're seeing them floundering.

I'm not floundering, by the way, but you see somebody like me with so much and you know they're showing up because they have to, but you know that they have to pull back. And I do this with people. I'm like, I'm going to slow you down to speed you up. It's very, very hard for people.

Oh, I freaking love this topic. I'm seeing this a lot this year. A lot of you are probably feeling it right now. We're coming towards the end of the year. You made yourself all sorts of promises at the beginning of quarantine. I'm going to write my book now. I'm going to start a podcast. I'm going to really focus on my business because, you know, we can't do all these, do all these other things. And now here we are in November and you've either not done shit or not done much. And you're sitting in shame. You have guilt around it, it causes anxiety, it doesn't feel good. And you're spinning. And I know, like there's God knows how many of you are going, are you spying on me? I mean, I know because I've, I've been there. I've, you know, I've done that. And when I, so many of you end up coming to me, I'm spinning. I'm done. I need to do something. I'm really, I'm really ready to go all in.

But then what happens is you want that strategy. You say you want to go all in, and I believe you. I totally. And I believe you, believe you. And then we get into it and then it's. And what it takes, okay, like, what it takes to have what Tracy and I have, I mean, you can have it too, without a doubt. I'm not the brightest, you know, brightest bulb in the room. I mean, you can have it too. But what it takes to do it, a lot of you really don't want to do it. Underneath it all, when I tell you, I'll always tell you what you need to do, what's a waste of time, what is the fastest, quickest, best way, and you still don't like the answer or you're resistant, you start sabotaging because you've bypassed that inner work.

You've bypassed it. You think that the money, getting the money, the success, the notoriety, the followers, the audience is going to fill it up. You're looking for something outside of yourself and you might not even be conscious of it. And I know because I spent most of my life this way so I can recognize it. And that's why I send anyone who's doing my two month private coaching program, they have to go see you. They have to. And I will say, we're stopping coaching. Or I will say when I do, like the applicant interview, I'll say, you're not ready. You need to do this first. And I'm not saying you're not capable, but you have to do something else first or you're going to just end up wasting a lot of time, money and energy. And it's shocking to people. I mean, I know a lot of times when people work with you and same with me, they'll go, oh, my God. I, you know, I, I've had people say, like, oh, my God, I've actually, like, I'm making less money right now.

Mm.

And it's like. And like, what do you care if you're making less now when by the end of the year you're gonna make more than you've ever made in your life?

Exactly, exactly. And you know, I kind of tell people, because I want to frame it like that and I've had to kind of throttle back. There's something like going 100% horsepower all the time. You're going to burn yourself out. Like, think about an engine like revving up those horsepowers all the time. You can't go the distance. But if you, like use torque instead of horsepower, which is kind of like, we're the masters of torque, where we're going to slow you down for a second. And it doesn't mean you're going to be like homeless on the street. We will definitely try to prevent that for you. Right. But I think that this emotional intelligence piece and people come to me for business strategy all the time. I mean, to do what I've done too, with as much of a shit show as I've been in my life, built a couple million dollar businesses in my life, and that didn't just happen. What part of emotional intelligence comes into business strategy for you?

Oh, it's everything I teach. I mean, I'm known for my emotional based sales techniques.

Every single purchase you make is an emotional purchase from a. From tires to jewelry to a coach to a fitness trainer, to which movie you go and see, to the hat to a wearing a hat. There's all an emotional based purpose. So if you have not done inner work to tap into your own emotions, there is no fucking way you're going to be able to deeply tap into your ideal client's emotions. And, and that, my friends, is where you make a shit ton of cash in your sleep. This is why people say all the time, oh my God, you're like a fly in the wall in my house. How do you know exactly what I'm thinking? Because I am able to tap so deeply into my own emotions, I can sit here and tap into the emotions of my ideal client. I know you guys like the back of my hand. I know what you think is funny. I know it pisses you off. I know what frustrates you. I know what excites you. I know what happens. That when you're in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror naked, that is where you really, really take off in business. But the catch is it's really uncomfortable to tap into that because who are we always serving, right? Unless you have like a product, right? Like jewelry, T shirts or whatever. But if you're in some kind of like coaching or network marketing or something, you're helping someone who's maybe one step or two steps behind you, right? Like that hasn't realized the thing yet. And so you're leading somebody and in order to tap into where they're at, you have to go back to when you were at your worst.

And most people don't want to go there. They're spending their life trying to avoid that. I couldn't have done this before.

Oh God, no. Oh God no. Like a decade ago. This looks very, very different for both of us. So I know that when we say tap into the emotions, people are listening right now and they're like, I'm emotional. But I don't know what the difference is between tapping into emotions versus being an emotional person. And for some of us like me, other than anger, any kind of emotion. I was like, well, that's, that's not very professional and that's kind of weak, especially in the corporate world. And you've worked a lot in the corporate world and you market in the corporate world, yet it's really important, even with what you do outside of your personal brand, that you can tap into the emotions of the ideal client. So for somebody who's listening, saying, I'm an emotional Mess. But I don't want anybody to see that. Is that what tapping into your emotions is? Or what's the difference? And how do you discern that?

You know, it's, it's discernment. You don't need to show people how much of a mess you are and disclose everything going and, you know, going on in your, in your life and show up, you know, as one of those people on Instagram crying. Right. But you have to share of yourself. Like, if you're going through a tough time, there is some sliding scale of that that you can share. I share it with my corporate clients. When someone asks me how I'm doing, my answer before was always, I'm okay, life's fine. That's really how I always used to answer. I don't answer that way now. Now do I sit there and give like, you know, the Dead Sea Scroll? No, because no one really cares.

We'll put our Marco Polos up on us. Right?

Exactly. Like, do I go and sit in a national sales meeting of a multi billion dollar pharmaceutical company and be like, you know, really struggling with my inner child right now? No. But I go, you know what? 2020 has been rough on all of us. And like, I'm definitely going through some stuff and I'm, and I'm happy to be here around people and I'm happy to be able to focus on business. It's a nice break. Do you see the difference? It's like I'm still being real. What that does, even on the corporate side is, is the other people, it gives them permission to then open up and you develop an instant intimacy connection where someone doesn't forget you, you know, where it's like, where it's like, tell me about it. Like my, you know, and I know people a lot of times will tell me a lot of stuff. Like my marriage is, you know, on the rocks right now. My kids are going nuts. Yeah, it's a lot. Not like we sit there and like have a full therapy session. But there's a bond that occurs between two humans and people want to work with people they know, like, and trust. This is why I have clients for. I've had my other company that's in health supplements, pharmaceuticals, healthcare professionals doing digital marketing and traditional marketing for the last 12 years. I have clients for eight years, 10 years. This is truly why I have such long term clients. That's one of the reasons. Right? So when I say tap, tap in, it's that empathy side of you. And I know you guys listening there has to Be a high majority of you that are empaths and intuitives or you wouldn't be attracted to Tracy. You'd be actually terrified of her.

So you guys need to tap into that empath side, that deep, compassionate side, and imagine how that ideal client, that woman, that man who's struggling and frustrated with X, Y and Z, how are they feeling at their absolute worst? How are they feeling? And guess what? It's not far off from how you feel at your absolute worst. Which is why it can be so difficult for people to do that quote, unquote, tapping in. Because who wants to feel those icky feelings, right? But you don't have to stay in them, right?

You can feel them and not have them rule you. And I know that you probably get this too. And I, I get this all the time. Like, oh my goodness. Like any. Because we do it in the business space too. It's not just like, you know, we're like these woo, woo, you know, taking on the emotional journey. Coaches, we're like, no, we're very strategic business coaches as well. Well, and that being said, we're also highly emotional, emotionally intelligent business people as well. And I get this a lot. I'm 100% sure you do too. That's great for you. And I wish I could do that, but oh my gosh, like, people will think I'm weak or blah, blah, blah. And I know I say I'm like, so are you saying that you think I'm weak? Like, oh my gosh, no. I'm like, so why is it different for you? So how do you guide people to be more tapped in when it's not their norm or they're not conditioned to do it? Like, you and I definitely were like the fine feelings inside, not expressed person before. And I know for a fact selling was a lot harder when we were just fine.

So I'm laughing because my first 18 months of business, I only had two clients.

Exactly, exactly. So for somebody that really sees that and admires that in both of us, because they do. Otherwise they would give two fucks about us. And there's a reason why you're following both of us and listening to us. Even if we scare you a little bit, how would you help the person that is terrified of this, just like you were, you know, nine, 10 years ago, to really allow themselves to, to have that vulnerability without being perceived as like, over the deep end. Because I think people are afraid to show that. I know I was like, I was afraid to show emotions. Cause if I couldn't Get a rain on. Like, if I couldn't rein it back in, holy shit. What, What. What could happen? And I think a lot of people listening right now are kind of afraid of that.

Yeah, I mean, I was really afraid. I mean, it took me.

10 years before I started my personal brand project me with Tiffany Carter. And I was very well equipped to have. Start a. Started a podcast. I could have started it in Integrity four years ago, but I was afraid of losing my corporate clients.

Because it's a personal brand, meaning it was going to. They were going to get to know me a lot more things they didn't know. Even things like, I like to drink, my favorite color. I know how, like, silly and crazy I am in real life.

And.

And I, like, thought that was unprofessional. I thought they would think that I'm like, kind of like a floozy, like, kind of, you know, I didn't want them to see me outside of my, like, pantsuit. God forbid. Can you.

I can't even picture you in a pantsuit.

I have. I mean, it's interest. The pantsuits. Interesting. There's lots of them in the, in the closet. I call it like my costume or leg prisons, one of the two.

But when you, when you show, it's. It's not ripping off a band aid. That doesn't work right. It's not like, oh my God, I'm gonna go on a spiritual retreat. And then all of a sudden it doesn't work like that. It just. It doesn't work like that. It is just really slowly. I always use the word experimenting. Let's just experiment for the next week or the next three days. Just sharing something about yourself that. And it doesn't need to be something deep like just share something about yourself. Maybe show up on video where you don't have as much makeup on, or you show up without having your hair totally done. Maybe it's sharing a story about some kind of small mistake that you made, and it doesn't need to be a big one. Maybe it's that you show an area of your house that's messy. So it's just really slowly doing it depending on the person. And what is so interesting about social media? And as a gift, what happens is with every single person I do this experiment, they're like, oh, my God. Even if your audience has, you know, 300 people, you'll have people reach out and be like, I have that closet too. Or we stuff everything in. Like, I recently am showing my growing pile on my desk and I'M not like, normally a pile on my desk kind of girl, but that's just, you know, 20, 20 people. And so there's just, there's two piles. And I just, I showed the pile and I was like, you know what? I need to show the pile. I need people to know, like, as pretty as my office is, like, you don't have to be perfectly together to be really successful. Like, in fact, I'm one of the least together people when it comes to stuff like that. But that's being vulnerable. That's giving someone a little insight, right? I would have been afraid to show that before because my corporate clients, they're not, they don't want to work with somebody who's messy and doesn't have like filing cabinets and all those sorts of things. So when you show something simple like that, you end up getting messages from people going, oh, I got tons of messages, more than me sharing amazing tips on how to bring your, you know, engagement back up on Instagram or anything else. And it was like, wow. And here I had this belief that like, everyone who's a seven figure entrepreneur is the most organized person on the planet. And I go, those are, that's a false belief. Those are lies. And then what it teaches you is, oh, wow, it is safe. And it is beneficial for me to show a little more of myself. And then you lean in a little more and a little more and a little more over time. That's really how I teach it. Depending on where someone's at, not all of a sudden I'm going to show myself crying on, you know, social media or something like that. You don't need to do that to go deep with people.

So I know that both of you and I, this is something that is non negotiable for us in all areas of our life. Not just when we're coaching, but in all areas of our life, we. I said the other day, you can't compartmentalize integrity. You just can't. And you're either in it or you're out. And I know for you and I, like, we kind of run it through the am I an integrity? Filter for ourselves. And then there's this thing, it's not in alignment with who I am. There's a big difference. I know how you feel about this. Clearly, like, there's a difference between being in alignment and being in integrity. And a lot of people are like, that's just not in alignment with who I am. And they're completely out of integrity when they say that. So what is the difference in being in integrity and what's in alignment for you and what is the bullshit about this alignment thing that people are using?

Oh, my God, this is amazing. I love. I love when people tell me that.

I know. I'm like, oh, go fuck yourself.

Like, oh, I didn't, you know, I didn't follow through with my homework because Mercury's in retrograde. And I'm like, are you high? You're saying this to me. Like, you don't hire me for me to. Knowing I would ever allow you to slip or not be held accountable. Like, I just start laughing at that stuff. And integrity to me is your words and actions match. It's as simple as that. And ask yourself that. I ask myself that too.

Same.

My words and actions match. You know, what I coach you guys and what's happening behind the scenes in my life? Am I. Am I walking my, you know, walking my walk, talking my talk. So that's integrity. As far as in alignment, I feel that's more so in emotion. I feel that's more so. What. What feels. What feels good to me? What feels fun? What excites me? It's more about. That's more in your body, right? Really, really like learning and feeling. Does something feel good below my neck? So I'll get. I like giving examples because I think a lot of people learn really well through those. I recently just did a rather large investment in a startup company, and I knew immediately it was a yes. Not just in my head, though. That's not enough. It was a yes in my body. There was no stomach ache. There was no, you know, feeling in my body. My throat didn't constrict. It's like, no, this is, you know, this is happening now. Before I wired that money, there was just some weirdness, you know, communication that went down that I didn't like. And it was in my body right now. That didn't mean I all of a sudden was going, oh, I'm not investing now.

Abort mission.

Right? Abort mission. It was okay. I need to get verification on something in order for me to feel good. Because I only want to invest in a company that I'm all in on. And I want to feel amazing giving this kind of money to somebody, right? So I was able to make sure it was in alignment by listening to my body, but by also taking action. By taking action and double checking and verifying, talking it out with, you know, someone I'm close to that I trust. Like, obviously, I talked it out with you. She's like, Nodding, she's like, you left me like a five, five hour full dissertation on it. But that's what we sixes do.

That's what. And I know that about you and, and, and I have the speed it up button so I can hear everything but also allow you to process. And I love that. Like that is a level of self awareness and being in integrity and like I think being an integrity and this whole thing about alignment is like you gotta mesh the two together. Because if you're, like you said, if you're just running off emotions all the time, emotions and emotional intelligence is very important. But this in integrity and action is the piece that really solidifies all of it together.

I mean, if I followed how I was feeling every day, you guys, I'd be on my she would never get out life, I would never get out of bed and I'd be on my 600 pound life. I'm not joking you. I mean hard facts, like I would luxuriate all day long. I would not, I would not show up on an episode like nothing. I mean, I'm being dead serious. And so that's, I think a lot of times people use the word alignment and it's like, I'm not in alignment because I don't feel like it. That is not the same thing. You are never going to feel like doing everything in your business or what it takes for you to reach your goals, you know, physical, inner work, financial, you're just not, in fact, you're also not going to like doing a lot of things that are required in business. I would say a big hunk of it. That doesn't mean that it's not the right business for you. That doesn't mean it's not your calling. That doesn't mean you're, you know, you're not supposed to. It's just fucking life. I mean, I live in an area where there's a lot of actors, musicians, where a lot of us can look at people like that and go, they've got, oh my God, what a great career. They complain all the time. There's a lot that goes into doing that. They can't leave their house without, you know, at any time without at least looking somewhat normal, right? They have to sit on sets for 12 hours waiting to say one line and you know, killing tons of time. They have to be, you know, they can't go off the rails with their diet because it's in their contract. There is so much that even in that kind of a profession, right, that they have to do in order to get what they want and have the platform and the influence they want. I mean, really, there is no way you building a multimillion network marketing business that you wanted to show up every single day doing that.

Oh my God, no. God no.

And why did you?

It was stretching me. It was consistency. It is. You know, people are trust that I can take them somewhere so I have to show them what that looks like. The day in and day out parts of that. Not just the hey, I'm on a stage speaking in front of 20,000 people, collecting this big check kind of thing. It's like the gritty, the I don't feel like it shit, this is really uncomfortable for me shit, because when we show all parts of it, people and they look at me like, well, that hot mess can do it, so can I. But if I was just showing the glory and not the story behind it, then nobody believes that that's possible for them.

There's always a story. I know you're scrolling, especially extra right now because during this season when it's colder weather, people scroll more. We just came off of, you know, crazy election time, right? It's like you're scrolling. And then also coupled with, you know, at this point in the year, you blew off a lot of things you wanted to do for yourself. You didn't follow through, it didn't happen. You're mad at yourself for it. You feel guilty. Now you're starting to tell yourself the lie. Well, 2021 is my year because 2020 was, you know, a shit show of a year and I'm just going to write off the year and now you're scrolling and you're in comparisonitis and you're seeing so and so in the industry. Has written her second book now. Now she has a course and it made six figures and six weeks. And I get it because I fall into that too. I have to be very careful about scrolling because it can make you always feel like you're not doing enough. But some of you, to be honest, aren't doing enough. But you want all the results of doing all the things without doing enough. Like, oh, I've been posting for three months and really showing up. And you know, my network marketing business isn't growing or I don't have any coaching clients or no one's liking my stuff or my following hasn't grown or whatever industry you're in, I don't have more new patients and it's like, okay. My response is always like, okay, that's normal. Like that's not strange. To me. What do you. You think it's going to just take, like, a month or two? And especially when you have an agenda tied to it and an expectation, you are screwed. Because the universe, God, whatever you believe in is going to go, oh, honey, you think that it's on your time, right? You think that it's on your timeframe. Well, clearly you've not surrendered. You're not trusting divine timing. So I'm going to make this real painful for you.

Oh, my gosh. Like that. That is the filter I run shit through. And I've even had. We've had this conversation. I have it with my children. I'm like, okay, so if this is really you, like, in your guts, in your soul believing this, what happens if you get no response or if you aren't appreciated? Or if so and so doesn't say thank you for that? Do you still have the same passion and love in your heart for what you're about to do?

Is it for fun and for free?

Bingo.

Or do you have an agenda? I'd ask myself that before. Before any investment I make. Mm. If. Let's say an investments. Everything's a. There's no guarantee in anything. There's no guarantee. There's no guarantee in anything. But there's a guarantee in not doing the damn thing. I can tell you that.

Well, I mean.

Full transparency. Some of our conversations, I'm like, this is what I really want to say right now. And I know that that's to maybe get a response, a certain response, or to get engagement in some way. And there is an attachment to an outcome, whether it's in business or personal life. Like, it's like, oh, okay, okay. Let's hit the pause button for a second. And what you said so clearly, like, some of you aren't doing enough. Now, my Enneagram Threes out there, we know you're doing plenty. And actually, you're the ones that actually maybe do need to throttle back. But some of you. More ones. Or you're kind of like, it's got to be perfect or whatever you. Whatever story you're telling yourself or. I'm not like Susie and Polly the influencer, you know, you do need to take action, right? You do need to take action. And I think more than anything, we're talking to an enneagram 6 here. Who. When. When a 6 is blindsided by something they didn't see coming, it feels like a death, right? And for somebody like me, not that big a deal. So even though 2020 did not discriminate against anybody. Nobody saw this shit coming. It has affected everybody all across the board. It doesn't matter how old you are, how much money you make, how skinny your ass is. This did not discriminate. And all of us, you are seeing in real form how people are coping and how uncomfortable this is. And Tiff, I know that for you, a blindside, this is the ultimate blindside. And a lot of the things that help you, that have helped you over the last six plus years to really be in integrity in all areas of your life, a lot of the things that you use to navigate that stuff have been taken away from you without your permission and without warning. And I know, like watching you navigate that, it's really hard. It's really, really hard. And I know in the past you would have used that as an excuse to go off the rails. In fact, you've used it to, to dig deeper with yourself, to grow. Like what I've seen you do in the last seven months growth wise. Like nobody else can really see the power of it. I know they will a year from now. What you have done in the last seven months in this adversity of all your healthy things taken from you the way that they originally were. So there are people that are using 2020, like you said, as an excuse to say, well, fuck it, 2021 will be different. There's no guarantee 2021 will be different.

And that's a lot of pressure on yourself for 2021, which is not a good setup.

Exactly. So I want you to, if you're open to it, vulnerably sharing what that has felt for you. And some of, even if some of the things that you used on a daily basis to get through the harder times that you had to readjust, pivot. I know that's a big word for 2020 and how somebody else who usually would say, you know, like the, oh, I just fucked up my diet, I'm going to go off the rails until Monday. It's kind of the same mentality with 2020. It's pretty much that same thing for some people. How would you help people navigate that through your own experience? Because I've watched this firsthand and I have in a different way. But for you it was a big deal.

Oh, big deal. It wasn't so much that it was the pandemic. I have certain things that I have created that make me feel safe, that are positive and healthy to manage my emotional sobriety. So I'm in recovery for being an exercise addict, addicted to people, places and things so one of the many things that I do, core things, is I go to actual in person recovery meetings. That's really important to me. The second is going and visiting my safe houses that I help build and mentor women and teens who've been sex trafficked. That feels right. Really good. It fills me up. Being of service and then going to the gym. I've never gone this long since, since I started going to the gym at Bally's Total Fitness. You remember that Chicago, Bally's Total Fitness with the stand up tanning booths?

Totally.

I would stand there butt naked and be like, hey.

That was really healthy of me. But I've never not gone to the gym this long since I was 14 years old. So. And I, yes, I am in recovery for exercise addiction, but I mean, even going to the gym in a healthy way, like yoga, my boxing trainer, just the gym, friends, getting out of the house, it can sound, these things can sound like not that big of a deal. These were our core essential things to me. Being alive. I mean, six years ago I went to kill myself. These, those, those three things I just shared. The recovery meeting, being of, you know, service like nonprofit service and the gym. That's how pivotal to those, those help keep me alive.

And all three were taking.

All three were taken. No morning. Right. And as a six, being blindsided. Oh, being blindsided is. Yeah, like you said, someone might as well die. I mean, you want to see me spin? And then, you know how like at first in the whole quarantine thing they go, oh, you know, it's going to be this date and everything will open. I could handle that, right? I could handle it. It was almost a relief, like, oh, I get a little vacation or, you know, it was almost a relief, you know, and I think a lot of us felt that way. You know, you're seeing people, you know, eating all sorts of things and binge watching shows and stuff. It was like, felt like a little vacation. And I'm Carol Baskin. Carol Baskin, Exactly. We all were watching that. And then when I saw it, kept going on and on. I'm in Los Angeles. I mean, the gym is still not open. I mean, maybe I pray to God by the time this is aired, it's open. Please God. But who knows? It's out of my control and I had to learn a new way for a lot of things. It was not easy, but there's a choice there, right? I could have sat in it and gone, this sucks. I'm just not going to move my body. I'm not going to be of service. I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to do this. I could have really done it, or I could have gone, how can I do this? How can I support and serve myself the best in a different way? It's a choice.

We talk about that a lot like it's a choice. And I've had conversations, me and you, we've talked about this. I'm not naturally wired a certain way. Great. How's that working for you? And we always have a choice to learn a different way. Because if you were just so rigid in this is the only way that I can feel good and safe, you might be dead.

Oh, I would be dead.

If I was to believe that this was the only way that I stayed sober, I would be out. I honestly probably did.

Oh, I. Now that I'm. I'm really remembering it, I went. That's right. And funny how we so quickly forget. I went real dark. You guys there for a while. I think that's important to share. I mean, I'm talking dark like suicide ideation to where I was actually scared to be alone. I did not trust myself. That's right. Isn't that funny how I would kind of block that out? I went that dark. So, I mean.

It'S serious. But I also had a choice. Do I lean into that darkness or do I lean out and take in alignment actions that go along with leaning out, or do I lean into the darkness and, you know, eat, you know, God knows what, you know, another pizza or just, you know, be. Hide out, stay in bed, cancel appointments. That'd be leaning into that. Right. It was a choice for me to do contrary action, to lean out, but it was like a choice. Hour by hour.

It. You know what you saying that when I think about, like, the timing for me too, like, I've been sober eight years now and there has not been ever. You know, obviously I like, oh, Sunday Funday would be great with margaritas by the pool. But that's more like romanticizing it. Like, I never even care that much. But I had a moment. First time in all eight years of sobriety that I woke up. And I remember telling you about this. It was in June. I woke up and I wanted to drink. And it was to not feel like I've been feeling my ass off here. And this is just hard. And thank God, like, this is the important part is really to be in alignment. You kind of have to have feedback from somebody that really trusts and has your best interests at heart and won't keep you in the pit. But I remember, like, that scared me. It lasted only five seconds. And I was like, that was really scary. And what are the tools I can use right here, right now to not just sweep that under the rug or pretend that that feeling isn't happening because it's very, very real? Tiffany going to that dark side was very, very real. Me, for five seconds, really wanting to drink my face off felt very, very real. And I know if you're listening right now, over the last seven months or the last decade or two or three or four, you've had moments like this where this is real life is going to happen. I don't care what your situation is. 2020 has proven that doesn't matter who you are, what are you going to do, what tools are you going to put in place? Whether it is in your business? I mean, lots of businesses have had to pivot hardcore in this year. Lots of families are falling apart in this crisis. Some are being enriched. Who are you going to be listening to? Who are you going to be taking guidance from? And what tools are you going to put in your toolbox to make different choices? That if a blind side happens, you can navigate it doesn't mean it's going to be without pain or without hardship.

And.

And I'm so grateful that you are one of my people and that you're different enough from me to offer a different perspective and vice versa. I know that we do that for each other, but I know there's people out there that are afraid, even in their own intimate, personal lives, to lean into people because they've surrounded themselves with people that maybe aren't the best for them, aren't the most quality resources for growing yourself, and they feel really alone in that, like, much like we did a decade ago. So they want people like us in their life, right? And they're seeking out friendships like this. But this took a lot of work for this friendship to even happen. Like, a decade ago, we would have probably not liked each other.

Oh, God, no.

I would have. I wouldn't have not liked you. I would have been afraid because I would be able to tell you could see me and I didn't want anyone seeing me.

And that being said, we've had to do a lot of work with coaches, therapists, to get to the point that I could actively receive you, too. I mean, this. When I met you, my soul went, oh, shit. Oh, shit. There's only been four times in my life that's happened, and one of them was with you. Like Holy shit. This is, this is a person that will see me. And although that's kind of scares me, this is exactly what I've called in and I'm ready for you. And it's the only way this worked. And it still took some, some kind of navigating that. But I know people need you. And I, and I don't mean that from an ego stance, but we've walked this journey and they need help. And you and I have both said it was way easier to pay somebody to practice with, intimacy with. It was way easier to practice intimacy with a therapist and a coach than it was to actually put my heart on the line for a friendship like this or to call in some love into my life. Way easier to do that. So people want to practice with us. How do they, what do you think they need from both of us? Because we've talked about doing this, We've been told all the time, because we feed each other. Like somebody has done a lot of work emotionally and they're ready to take it next level and they could actually handle your strategy and the zero fucks part. And then you've had people that are all about the strategy, but you're like, okay, I can give you all the strategy in the world, but you got to kind of unpack some stuff. So what, what is the best route for people to go? And what, what do you think we should do with these people?

I mean, really, I want to see if how this lands with you guys. But what we've been toying with is so you get the best of both, right? You get the, you get the strategy, but you also get supported in the emotional component and navigating that and what, and what comes up. Because I always say you can't out strategize a broken mindset and you can't fake energy. Believe me, I've tried. That's why I only one of the reasons why I only had two clients in my first 18 months of business. It just, it doesn't work. So if you're at that part in your. Any kind of a business where, or even in just your life and it's, it's not working, it's not sticking, you're once again at the end of another year and didn't do the damn thing, you're going to end up in the same spot next year. And I'm not trying to be negative. I'm being real. And it happened to me too. I had to hire people. It's funny how powerful money is, right when we hire top People you have money on the line that gets you to show up. It's accountability, right? So you're showing up, but you're also able to practice doing the very things that are required to be wildly successful in a safe environment and being sandwiched between two people who have done it. And you have like someone who's going to give you that strategy side and someone who's going to have you unpack the emotional side. So we've been thinking of doing like a four week program where you get us both and I want to like, we want to see who's. Who would be interested in that. We've not opened up anything yet. But you've got a DM us. You know, I'm at Project Me with Tiffany, you know, Tracy's at Tracey Underscore o' Malley, DM us and let us know if it'd be something you're interested in. And it's not going to be cheap. So don't think this shit's going to be cheap. We ain't cheap people. And you don't deserve cheap. And cheap doesn't move the needle. It just doesn't. I already know all you guys have bought the $17 courses you've bought, you've done the free trainings, you've gone to Google University. That. I'm not saying that stuff isn't good. It only goes so far. Believe me, I can be cheap as fuck. And I did all I totally. And to my own right, to my own demise because I. It took me five years to get a business coach. Cause I was. I thought I had to figure it out myself. I thought it was weak if I didn't. I was YouTubing Googling. And one of the things I always share that I wish I'd done sooner is hire that high level guidance sooner. Oh my God. Just the stress alone, the stress and how I'd feel supported and nurtured that would have gone so far. So DM us, let us know if that sounds like something you'd be like a hell yes for. Or you can take a screenshot of this episode, share it in your Instagram stories and tag us both. That'll also let us know if you're like, we want the TNT combo.

We're dynamite, baby.

Tnt.

And here's the thing, like, honestly, unless I'm made uncomfortable, I'm really not going to do it. And I'm telling you, humbling myself enough to say I need to go to rehab, that was really uncomfortable. And it was very, very expensive. And so I remember Walking in like, there's no fucking way I'm going to blow this. There's no way I'm going to blow this. And to this day, I mean to take myself and to be able to take you and Tiffany and I, to be able to take you next level, we are constantly investing in ourselves. I have three coaches and a therapist currently three. Michael Jordan, the greatest of all time basketball. Like some high, high level coaches, even when he is at his very best. So you playing small right now, thinking you can Google university your way through this and kind of dabble with some meditations and affirmations that isn't going to move the needle. It is a start. I'm not minimizing any, any even small action moving in the right direction. I don't want to minimize, I don't. Because it's powerful. Even one small step, one thing outside of your wheelhouse that feels really uncomfortable for you. I'm cheering you on for that. But we're talking to those of you who said, I know I'm here for something. I know there's a bigger calling on my life. I know I've been playing small and I'm tired of this shit. Then it's time to get uncomfortable and let's blow some shit up with some TNT. And I know that the power of Ms. Tiffany Carter in my life over. Gosh, it's been two years now. It's crazy. It feels like a lifetime. I can't even imagine life without you. But the power of somebody, of this quality, of this in integrity, of this.

Wise and just heart led to bring out so much good in me. It has allowed me to be that much better for all of you. And I know that she's warming your heart too. And you want the zero fucks and all of that and to be just fully yourself every day. So I know if you're loving this episode, you're going to share it. You're going to give a five star review of this, this beautiful episode. She is my best friend and like I don't talk to, I don't really like to talk to people.

Like, I just don't, I just don't. But her I talk to every single day. And I am so grateful for that because you help make me a better person. And I know that there are many of you listening right now that need, you know, not just need, it's in your DNA to do more in this world. And her and I both haven't been through what we've been through for nothing. You know, as little Girls, as we were experiencing the things that were really, really painful, hard, horrible. Quite honestly, I think some part of us knew it was going to matter for something, and we would love nothing more than to help that matter with you.

Yeah, I always knew, and I think everyone always knows. But it's kind of scary because when you really know and you really claim it, that means you have to take action.

But you do know when you know better, you got to do better. And I think you and I have both said this, that it was way easier to be unaware. It was way easier to not, like, give zero fucks, but in a totally unaware way. We give zero fucks today, but it's definitely intentional in a beautiful way. But I know, like, we didn't grow up with personal development necessarily. Quite the opposite, actually, is a dictatorship is how we kind of grew up. And I know that with this personal development land. The problem with it is it kind of cracks into the awareness, but nobody really, like. And then people will take you to the action. But this middle piece, for it all to solidify, like, it's one thing to know there's a problem and take action, but if you want it to be sustainable and to feel really good and in alignment and in integrity, and there's this middle piece, which is where our sweet spot is. And I know that that's what's missing for so many of you, because nobody really wants to teach that because it's hard work.

Yeah. And it takes a lot of energy, too, to hold that kind of space and guide. And if I hadn't done and you hadn't done and continue to do every day our own deep work, we wouldn't be able to do it because it is a lot.

It is a lot. And, God, I'm so grateful for the journey, though. Like, seriously, it's amazing. We're recording this on a Saturday, and usually by Thursday we're both like, I am so sick of my voice. But I find it funny that we've spent, like, three hours now chatting it up and just bringing all the stuff that means so much to us to bring to you guys. We see it in you. We see the greatness in you, and we see you holding back your gifts. I think something that you said earlier about it being selfish not to show up, it really, really is. You weren't here for nothing. You didn't go through what you went through for nothing. So let's link up. Me and you. Tag Tiffany Project. Me with Tiffany, me, Tracy, Underscore, o'. Malley. Screenshot. This let us know that you are ready, ready to not be selfish with your gifts anymore. And that you know that everything you've been through is to matter for something great. And in the meantime, like, I know that 2020 threw us all for a loop. And it doesn't have to be negative, even if it's hard. Hard doesn't always mean negative. You know, I think the diamond is a perfect example of, you know, the pressure that's put on a diamond for it to be so beautiful takes a lot of pressure and a lot of grinding and all the things that to make the most beautiful diamonds what they are. And you are a diamond out there. So let us help refine that into what it's supposed to be. My friend. Tiffany, I love you.

I love you. Bye guys. Thanks for listening.

Thank you for tuning into the Becoming Bullet Proof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources resources for you@traceeomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life and do the work. Let's become bulletproof.