98: The Problem with Personal Development and how the Enneagram can solve it

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Welcome to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

I'm a mom to millennials, an author, Enneagram expert and multi million dollar entrepreneur, and master performance and business coach. I've gone from rock bottom to building a bulletproof business and life. If you're looking for the unfiltered transparent truth and even an extra kick in the ass, you will discover that here. Each week I'll be bringing you success stories of high level entrepreneurs as we discover how they became bulletproof and created their empire. You'll learn the story behind the glory along with Enneagram inspired truths so you can ignite your own purpose profits and build your legacy. It's time for you to become bulletproof. Buckle up.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. This is Thanksgiving week, y'. All. Can you even believe it? I know that when we started 2020, no one could have predicted what we're sitting in right now. And I know that when all of the craziness of 2020 began, back in March is really when things took a turn, when we were given this gift of time and lockdown and quarantine. I know there are many of you that embarked even deeper on a personal development journey, whether it meant hiring a coach or taking some courses, or listening to more podcasts or reading more self help books. And you've heard me, if you've been following along for any length of time, say that information doesn't equal transformation. And there is something that I love so much about personal development. You know, the, the generation that I grew up in, my generation, you know, the Gen Xers, we were like the first group of people that were sort of, kind of exposed to personal development. Usually in our late 30s, early 40s, like late 40s like myself. But our parents really weren't exposed to too much of it. And if they were.

I remember my mom bringing home one book on codependency. I remember I was about 10 or 11 when I saw it. And I could notice as she was thumbing through it or applying some of it, I remember this very clearly, that she was taking the information in and she was starting to flex those muscles a little bit and learning about herself. However, the environment she was in, otherwise known as my father being married to my father, he was shutting her kind of personal development down real quick. And so her reign and personal development didn't last very long. And so my generation, my Gen X friends and families.

We are that first group that really don't have that modeled for us in our home in our childhood. And I am so grateful that I am the first generational, first generation personal developer in my family. But here's the problem with personal development that I see happening all the time. I know there's many of you out there who do listen to my podcast. Thank you very much, by the way. You do listen to a lot of podcasts. You've been to events, You've maybe even seen Tony Robbins or Brendon Burchard or Gary Vee, or you're following the great teachings of so many. You've read the books. There is not a book lacking on any subject at all. And you're doing all the things, however, and I know that you will agree with this, so many of you are struggling now more than ever. And it has nothing to do with the state of the world. The thing I love about personal development, it has changed the whole course of my life. Between recovery and other parts of personal development, seriously, my entire world is different. Before I found it, I was kind of like spinning in the hamster wheel. And I know that today, with not only the personal development information.

And this is the key, the integration of the things I've learned over the last 20 years. I've been at this about 20 years. I know that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it doesn't mean it's without pain. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't get knocked on my ass from time to time. However, I have a way out. Not just because I've, in air quotes, done personal development, but because I have showed up, taken it in, and then as painful and as messy as I got, I integrated it. But here are some problems that I see with personal development, and this is how the enneagram can actually help you, I think. So often with personal development, we usually show up because we know we want something different, right? Or we're in pain or shit's not going well. So we enter into personal development. We go to a seminar, listen to the things we start doing, like the affirmations and all shit like that, which, I mean, whatever. I have nothing else to say about that. Awareness is important. And you can't fix what you don't know. You can't change what you're not aware of, right? And so often we come into personal development because we are aware there's a problem, right? Same thing with, like, when I entered recovery, clearly shit was unmanageable, things were not going so well. But the problem is, is so often when we have that pain point, we want it, we want it now. We immediately want. Give me all the action items. Give me all the action items. Give me all the action items. And you know what personal development land has delivered that they will say, I mean, sales copy is at. I mean, sales copy. There are people that all day long they write good sales copy to make you into this awareness junkie, that you are aware of all these problems you have. And in three easy steps, I can have you making $1.5 million in five seconds, right? We see it all the time, this awareness to action. Awareness and action. And I. I mean, I'm one of those too. When I make my mind up, I like shit to happen really fast. I'm not knocking y'. All. I get it. However, for anything to be sustainable, for anything to really stick for you ever to really, really change your life, there's this middle piece in between the awareness and action that so many coaches, so many personal development gurus, so many, so many of you are avoiding and not addressing. And it's the acknowledge piece. It's the not what we do part. It's the why we do what we do part, right? And this is the missing piece in personal development. This acknowledging where this is all rooted from is this is where we connect the dots. This is where we start to put all the pieces of, you know, close to a 50 year puzzle for me together to make sense of it all. And when we do that, we are able to look back, not to stay and linger a long time in pain or regret or shame or guilt or the woe is me kind of crap. We have to look back so that we can put the pieces together, so we can acknowledge where the belief came that had us behaving and acting and doing what we do, but more importantly, why we have done it. Almost always there's this protective mechanism. There's a part of us that believed this was what we needed to do to be safe. And based on your enneagram type, there's a core motive in that. But so many coaches won't go to the acknowledgment part. Do you want to know why? Because it takes a long time. It can slow people down. It's emotional and we just want to rush through it. So here are some of the problems I see with personal development, and I will get to why the enneagram is probably my favorite, most powerful tool to help with that. One of the biggest problems I see is that it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you're improving as a person when you're not, you know, when you're tagging yourself on Instagram at all these rah rah events. And.

Thank you for sharing my podcast. I appreciate it. But just because you listen to some podcasts or go to an event doesn't mean that you are doing the hashtag work, right? And I get that it's so easy to say, we've invested so much time and money into going to and reading these things and investing in coaches and courses and programs, but it doesn't work that way. Your life isn't going to improve unless you proactively take the actions to improving it and understand why you have done what you've done up to this point. So important. Your internal and external realities are codependent. So if one is improving is very likely you're deluding yourself and the other one isn't either. The other part that I see coming up a lot of times as a problem in personal development is you are on this search of the magical method, right? Then, like, I just need this one course, this one guru, this one. And you know, the greatest marketers out there are making you believe that their thing is the thing, right? So you're on this endless pursuit of the secret sauce, right? The very thing that will result in your effortless growth and abundance for the rest of your life. Like my, my good friend Tiffany calls it like the Bali and butterflies. Like, you'll work and take one course, hire one coach, and the next thing you know, you're living the good life, the laptop lifestyle on a beach in Bali with butterflies flying all around your head. And I hate to tell you, and I hate to break it to you, but the secret sauce magical method does not exist. Real growth, the sustainable kind, the one that you can wake up every day and feel really proud of, is painful. And that's why most people choose to avoid it. It's why most coaches don't want to touch on it. Because once we start poking the bear, things can go sideways. And unless you have a skilled, trained coach, and I don't mean trained with all the certifications, because that doesn't mean jack shit, quite honestly. I mean skilled in, they have navigated themselves through it. So the real growth isn't about finding some special technique that's going to change your life. Although I love using the Enneagram, it's not a technique, it's framework. It's a compass, right?

That's not going to change your life. All these special secret sauce techniques, it's about actually overcoming your fears and making the commitment to always face your own personal truth, no matter how painful it may be. And I'm going to break it to you. When you continue to grow yourself, new painful things pop up. However, the stronger your toolbox becomes and the stronger you get at integrating your toolbox, the the better you'll be able to navigate it and the farther forward that you will be able to propel yourself. It is something that's pretty damn powerful. Let me tell you another problem with personal development. Like I said, are the clueless coaches and teachers. These days. Anyone can make a blog, publish an ebook, start a podcast, make an online course. It doesn't require credentials. And I'm not going to. I've said this before, I don't think certifications and credentials necessarily make you a better coach. Right?

I mean, the good part about that is anybody can do it and you can help people, which is amazing.

But there are several drawbacks to that as well. So you can get advice on any problem one could possibly have, but it's actually really difficult to determine the validity of it. Right? I am the worst marketer in the world. My copy my Instagram posts quite honestly aren't very good at converting you today into like, oh my gosh, I have to do this. And it's something I have to continuously work on. But I've seen so many sleazy coaches and teachers out there that it pisses me off and I almost want to rebel and just tell you like, it is like I suck at it. However, my reputation, my referral market marketing is untouchable because I produce, I deliver, I can help even the hardest client break through. And because I've been there, it is why I am booked. I am busy. I am able to get what I want for my coaching, but there's so many out there that aren't. And it's really easy to tell if somebody's the real deal.

You know, if you start really pushing them and asking questions and really trusting your gut. Stay away from the bright shiny objects and all of that. But if you are really wanting to get to the nitty gritty, ask hard questions. One of the other things that I see that as a problem with.

Personal development development is this insecurity you think that you have to fix ABC in order to do these grandiose things right. You feel like there's always something wrong with you. You feel that.

You'Ve got to be perfect before you can actually go out and move your own personal needle. I think there needs to be more of an emphasis on self acceptance and comp. And grace for yourself. I am tested in this every, every single day. Let me tell you. I could beat myself up and go down the shame train very, very easily. I mean, I got a lot of history under my belt, but I know that all those things I used to beat myself up for are actually what makes me so damn great at what I do. Right? It's natural to seek improvement, honestly. But as long as you're making forward progress towards your goals, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to really appreciate and have compassion for yourself, for who you are today and how far you have come.

A lot of you think you're smarter than everyone else because you've done xyz, right? And I was one of those. I have to check myself every day. I have to take an inventory every day. I've spent a quarter of a million dollars on personal development in the last 10 years. And just because I have a big bottom line on the level of work I have done, it doesn't mean that I am any better than you. Let me tell you, the thing I will say is out of that quarter of a million dollar investment in development, I have really integrated 90% of it, right?

And I have really taken that intelligence and moved it into action. Because if you have all this intelligence, I mean, there are people way smarter than me, but they're afraid to take action. And the more action you take, the more confident you get in the skills of all this intelligence, right? But people don't care how smart you are. All they really care about is that you can actually provide them value and improve their lives, right? It's important.

One of the other things that I see that you know why there's something wrong with personal development is because it's not easy. You know, you can go to all the things. And I don't like to be a pessimistic asshole, but I hate that most personal development gurus insist on making everything sound so easy. It really fucking pisses me off, quite honestly. I am not one to ever tell you that any of this will be without pain. You know, the whole premise of this podcast has been becoming bulletproof. It doesn't mean that, like, this is easy and any of that. Becoming bulletproof means you're actually standing on the freaking battleground of your life and taking hits, right? If anybody is trying to promise you that this is going to be easy, run the other way, right? If you really want to live your dreams, then you do deserve the truth. And it's not going to be the Bali and butterflies and the sunshine and rainbows. You're going to fall down. You're going to get your ass kicked a lot. However, the stronger you get in taking all these beautiful tools and integrating them in life, the faster you will be able to get up. It is so, so important. The other thing I see a lot of times is your environment that you're living in.

Environment is stronger than willpower. So you're going to these things. And this is exactly what happened with my mom growing up. She had a very unsupportive spouse of her growing. He wanted her to grow, but as long as it fit into his box. And so a lot of you are doing this work to improve yourself. You're taking in the information and you're working to integrate it. And then you're met with resistance from your partner, your spouse, your friends. When I cleaned up my life a decade ago, I pretty much wiped out every single person in my life other than my kids. I had maybe one or two friends that were really supportive of my development. I heard things like, you're not fun anymore. Maybe you should go back and do xyz. Maybe you should get a real job. Don't, you know, don't think you're better than everybody else. And that was painful. So painful. And the problem is most of you are hearing that and then you just go back to what you know and you stay stuck. And then you have regret and resentment and, and shame and all the things. And if you really want to change your life, you might have to change your environment too. And I am so grateful. I did meant a lot of lonely nights and lonely days and feeling like I was on a deserted island sometimes. But you know, sometimes we have to clear out the riff raff to invite in the very thing that is for us and the right people too. A lot of this, and I know a lot of you are falling into this category of analysis paralysis. So much information. So much information, so much information. And you're not doing enough output and taking the action and moving forward. So it's basically like you're just piling on all this information. And when we are confused, we become paralyzed. And when we're paralyzed, we don't do anything. And then we have the shame and guilt that comes with maybe I've spent so much money on this stuff, I should be in a better place with all the work that I've done, right? It's not how it works. It's not how it works. Y' all you have to actually take the information and then integrate it. And even better when you can acknowledge why you have taken previous action. This is where you don't keep falling back into old patterns and habits. And I'll get to more on that in a second.

I see this a lot that has become a problem in the personal development world is so much that's being sold to you or more marketed to you is focusing on the bottom line. And trust me, I'm an enneagram8, I am a bottom line me kind of person. I like to be straight shot. I like no bullshit. I don't like the fluff. But there is something to be said about a soul line, a soul data, right? And you know, if we're just focused on driving business and driving business, which I am a business entrepreneur, I help teams and organizations and businesses do that. But the reason why we are having the success we are in doing that is because we are focusing on emotional intelligence as well. Why we do what we do, why we want to make this much money, why we do make a lot of money, why we hold ourselves back in money. It is great to have a strategist that can help you make more money. But if you don't understand why you got to where you are to begin with, it is just a matter of time before you sabotage it. Blow your life up. Boom, boom, boom, right? Emotional intelligence is everything.

And the final thing I'll say about.

Personal development, the problem I see is that it has become all work and no play. And I am one of these as well.

Growing up, play meant you were weak. Play meant you would end up vulnerable. Play meant that you could be taken advantage of. And so, you know, if you weren't working, you were lazy. That was the conditioning that I had. And what I have found is the more that I play, and I don't mean just fucking off and not being responsible, I have a strong, strong, strong work ethic. Strong work ethic is required, no doubt about it. But if you don't take the time to play.

You will not be able to have more creativity flow in. When I am playing and having fun and laughing and connecting with people just for play, that is when some of my greatest growth happens. And unfortunately, with the personal development land, and I love Gary Vee, don't get me wrong, but I think that it's important to incorporate play into everything. And when we do, we are able to go back to that innocence, that childlike spirit, which is what the enneagram helps you do, right? And how the enneagram is the best personal development tool in the world is it addresses the why we do what we do in all of the things I just said.

The why, the emotional intelligence. It doesn't mean we're singing Kumbaya, having cry fest with each other. In fact, the more I implement the Enneagram into my life, the less all over the place with emotions that I feel. I feel things very, very deeply. I feel things, I feel the wide range of feelings. But I don't have to have the emotions of it take me out. And that is what the Enneagram can do for you. I know there are many of you right now. You have done all the things. You have drained the bank account, you have gone to your partners and your 401ks and thinking that there's something missing that you just haven't had yet. And even the Enneagram can be a problem if you don't know how to integrate it. And so I love helping you not just give you the information. And I've said this before, there's so many great information people out there giving you all the things about the Enneagram. And I like, I will give you the information, but very, very rarely will I give you information without teaching you and showing you what that looks like in real time, in business, in your relationships, in your friendships, in your health, in your parenting, all of it. Because information without integration doesn't mean jack. You just have more, more things piled up that can make me maybe confuse you. So what I love about the Enneagram, you know, based on the type that you are, and I will highly, highly, highly suggest that you book a session with me to get properly typed 65 to 70% of the time, any of those assessments, even the paid ones, are inaccurate. And not because there's one test that's better than other. However, I don't think one of those three.

Free five minute tests are even remotely close to being accurate at all. But getting typed properly, if you want to use the Enneagram as the greatest personal development tool in your toolbox, having being properly typed is going to be the most important first step. And so how better than to have an expert that does this day in and day out help you get to the root of it. And then once you have your proper type, then you can actually use it as a compass, as a roadmap. And when you.

Look at your type through the lens with compassion and love and acceptance, then you're able to take that information, integrate it, acknowledge it, acknowledge where all this came from to begin with. Without the shame and without the guilt and move the needle freaking forward.

How great does that sound? How great would that sound? I love personal development events. I love going. I love connecting with people. But I never enter into any of anything that I listen to or read or attend thinking this thing is going to change everything. Right? I just don't. Because I know that there's very little acknowledging where all this stemmed from for you. And until you really are willing to acknowledge where all this kind of went sideways for you, you're going to feel like you're always chasing your tail. You are.

And the acknowledgment piece is the hardest part. It is because it requires you to look in the mirror and be completely, radically honest with where you are today, where you've been, where things may have hurt, but you can't connect the dots without looking at all of them. So go to traceyomalley.com if you want to find out your proper Enneagram type. Of course, I don't just give you your Enneagram type. I give you lots of golden nuggets to help you start integrating it. I also do an Enneagram experience. If you are a business owner or a team leader or a manager in a corporation or anybody that is leading anybody, and you want me to come in and help the team and help integrate the Enneagram into your team so that you have the emotional intelligence to take all your information and and then just jump on that rocket ship that you're wanting to go on. Then hit me up@traine O' Malley.com Go to the work with me section and I will be happy to take you on that journey. It is my favorite thing to do. If I could just sit on Zoom or in person with people all day long, showing them how to integrate the Enneagram into their lives and their businesses, I would. I love it. I never get sick of it because I see how fast we're able to move the needle and I see how using that tool, people that may have been closed off and unwilling all of a sudden become willing to look at some things that maybe they weren't able to before. And I can help you do that with a gentle touch, but a straight shooting kind of way. And what I've seen people do in a very short amount of time, integrating the Enneagram into their personal development life is unmatched. Most people will come and say, hey, I need to drive my bottom line in my business. And we do, Trust me, we drive the line hard up and it's amazing. But even more amazing is how the relationships in their lives, whether it's their romantic partner, their families, their children, their business associates, their friendships, everything improves.

And when that is like when that motivation and that momentum is going, it is hard to stop a moving freight train. And I would love to help you do the same. So much to be thankful for with 2020. And if you are one of those that is looking back with eyes of maybe this was terrible or regret, maybe you said you were going to do so many things with this time that we were gifted in 2020 and you haven't done it and you're feeling like an asshole or a slug or whatever you insert, whatever you are saying about yourself, reach out, reach out and let's turn this bus around today. It doesn't have to be as hard. You know what? I believe that every single part of our journey has mattered and it happened in the way it needed to for us to really decide that, you know what? I want something different.

So it's going to require something different. I hope that you know you are tired of doing personal development and getting nothing out of it. Let's start moving the needle for you so you can work smarter and not harder. So that you can stand on the front line of your life, take the hits, get knocked on your ass from time to time, get back up and become stronger, faster, smarter, happier, more fulfilled with the right relationships in your life and have a lot more time to play. Wouldn't that be great?

If you are loving this podcast and loving this episode, I would love to hear it. Coming in 2021, I will be doing live Enneagram coaching. Whether it's typing sessions or integration the enneagram into people's lives, you will be hearing that. If that is something that excites you, I would love to hear that. If you are loving this episode, please screenshot it, share it with somebody that needed to hear it. Maybe one of those people that you go to all those personal development things with and say, you know what, let's do this instead. Let's try something different and let's move the needle once and for all. Until next time, here's to becoming Bulletproof.

Thank you for tuning in to the Becoming Bulletproof podcast. If you learned a thing or two from our show today, it would mean a lot to me if you shared it and tagged me so I can hear exactly what landed on your heart. This will help me to bring you even more episodes with the topics and guests you want. Please, please head over to itunes and leave an honest and loving five star review. If this made an impact on you, you can find me on Instagram tracyomalley and I have tons of free resources for you@traceyomalley.com as always, if you are wanting to ignite your purpose, profits and build your legacy, it's time to stand on the front line of your life.

And do the work. Let's become bulletproof Race.