EP169: 10 Signs That Might Help You Know When It’s Time to Turn the Page

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

So I know you're in the position right now of, you know, coming off of 2020. We're halfway through 2021, and a lot of things got exposed that we were able to kind of sweep under the rug. Right. And I know for myself, we fill our lives with a lot of distractions. It's pretty nice to be able to do that sometimes, but it's really keeping us from doing what we be doing. And so how do you know when to move on? Turn the page, let go. All of it kind of means the same thing. One of my favorite, favorite songs, for those of you that are under 40, you may not even have any idea who Bob Seger is. However, he's a legend. Look him up. I love Bob Seger, but one of my favorite songs by him is called Turn the Page. It's really awesome. Put it in your Spotify playlist. Now you can thank me for later. But how do you know when it's time to turn the page? And what turning the page means is to make a new start from a period of difficulties or to transition to something else. And a lot of how we show up in our businesses, our careers, has everything to do with what's going on personally. And, you know, I know that you want strategy sometimes and you want just give me the action items to make the moves I need to. And strategy is really, really important. And if you have been a listener for a while, if you haven't listened to it yet, a few weeks ago, maybe two weeks ago, I dropped an episode called Soul vs. Strategy. Both are equally as important, and usually you are trying to avoid one of them. Sometimes you dabble in both, but you feel like you can't get any traction. Both are equally important. And, you know, I do a lot of business strategy. I'm. I'm a very good strategist, and a lot of times I will help people Kind of dig what's really happening behind closed doors, right? You know, a lot of people, places and things, maybe they're part of the story's over. And so how do you know when it's time to turn the page? Well, I'm here today to give you maybe 10 signs that might help you make that decision. There are a lot of areas of your life that you can move on from in order to be the best version of yourself. Maybe it's, you know, moving, changing a job that is not safe, but rather a challenge, leaving a relationship that has become unhealthy or just it's what you know, so you stay or doing what it takes to be a role model for your child. You know, they do what we do, not what we say to do. Whatever the reason is, or perhaps maybe several of those all at once. There are signs that it's time and enough is enough. It's time to move on in life. It's time to say that part of the story is over. And I want you to know that, that like when people's part of your story is over, it doesn't mean something bad has to happen or there has to be some blow up. I was never somebody good at elegantly ending anything. Whether it was a job or a relationship or anything. I just felt like I had to blow it up. In order for things to be moved, there had to be an explosion. That's what I was modeled, that's what I knew. It does not have to be that way. Now that being said, if it involves another person on the receiving end of that, they may not receive it that way. And as I have grown through this process the last decade or so, you know, I have had moments where maybe this chapter is closing and the people in it story, part of my story is over. And it isn't always well received. But if you are really here to do what you say you are here to do, this will be required in order for abundance, love, new things to come into your life. You have to make room for it. It's kind of like your closet, right? I've got a huge ass closet. And even though it's big, in order for more of what I want to show up, I have to make room for it. And for you, that is going to be required as, as such. So I wanted to share with you maybe 10 signs to help you along the way. And that being said, it's one thing to have awareness, right? And then it's another thing to take action. But if we just jump from awareness to action. A lot of times we can leave a lot of wreckage, we can end up blowing our life up, we can self sabotage, we'll even procrastinate. But if we don't really acknowledge maybe why this part of the story's over, we're going to repeat the pattern. If you don't repair it, you repeat it. You've heard me say that before. If you are a listener for any length of time. So as I go through these, if you're kind of going, oh shit, yeah, yep, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. And you're not quite sure how to navigate that. I have opened up spots for my private one on one coaching. This is where not only do we deep dive into your enneagram type so that you can have a roadmap for your own personality, but we go next level with my own method that I have used on myself and thousands of other people over the last decade. If you know that is something that you're ready for, you've had enough, you're tired of, of all these kind of messy endings and with new beginnings that end up in the same pattern, then it's time. Whether it's for business, personal, all of the above, it is all intertwined and I can help you with both. So if that is something that interests you, you can go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section and fill out an application. Those are by application only. And I don't take everyone. So I need to know you're ready. And you're like, yeah, I'm ready to do some work. So Here are the 10 signs that it may be time to move on. Number one, your trust has been broken time and time again. Whether it's in work, family, relationship, when your trust is broken over and over, it's time to move on. And there are some situations in relationships where too much damage has been done and you know, it's hard for, you know, resentments to be buried. It's going to be almost impossible for trust to be rebuilt. And so in these cases it really is time to move on. And that can be very messy and hard, especially if you have years and years and years dedicated to this. A lot of times people stay just because of the time invested. And I get it. You know, I was married for 14 years. It was really hard. I had kids, you know, from him, and you know, family. And it was amazing in some ways and terrible in others. And it's not easy, but it is also the very best thing I've ever done. Not just for me not just for my businesses, but especially for my children as well. So that's number one. Number two, the situation makes you feel shitty about yourself. It can be a relationship that is emotionally abusive or emotionally distant, a boss that maybe doesn't see your value or throws, you know, jabs at you. If you are in a situation that constantly makes you feel worse about yourself, first of all, I need you to check yourself because this may be you playing a codependent part in it. You know, sometimes we have to look at things and, and if you have a lot of situations like this that have come up in your life where you feel badly about yourself in many different situations, you're the common denominator. So yes, it might be time to leave that situation and go somewhere where you're appreciated. But if you don't do the work internally again, it's going to chase you down the street. If you don't repair it, it's going to be repeated. Number three, the situation has lowered your self esteem. If you take a good hard look at the situation and realize that over time the relationships with this person, place or thing has taken away your self confidence, you should realize that it's time to change the situation. Whether it be somewhere or be with someone who builds you up instead breaks you down again, all of these things, you have to take a look in the mirror and be radically freaking honest with yourself. I was recently in a situation where my confidence was kind of being chipped away at. And although another person was involved, I have to own my part. Anytime there's a breakdown in communication, I promise you, it always takes two. You always have a part in it. And so for my situation that I was dealing with, I needed to lay some boundaries that I didn't want to do because there was risk involved. There was risk that, you know, I would have to end something that was important to me and I didn't want to have to do that. However, staying in the same spot, nothing changes. If nothing changes, y'. All. Staying in the same spot was lowering my confidence. And yes, I could have just bailed and moved on to something else. But this is gonna be the theme. If you don't repair it, you will repeat it. So really, again, look in the mirror. Radical honesty. That's part of my methodology. We do a whole big thing on how to own our part without being a doormat and without letting other people necessarily off the hook. I know that for a lot of you, owning your part means you feel like that other person won't be held accountable. Well, that's between them and the divine. But owning your part will give you freedom like nothing else. Okay, number four. When you think back, you are unable to think of the last time you were genuinely happy. Something's got to give, right? No relationship or job should make you feel depressed and unhappy. And if you are so unhappy that you cannot even remember the last time you were happy, something's got to give. And we all deserve to be happy. Whether it's, you know, in a relationship, in a career, outside anything. There's always something to find beautiful in any situation, even the hardest. And if somebody had told me that 10 years ago, I would have been like, G, F, Y. Otherwise known as go fuck yourself. Right? It's hard to hear that when you feel miserable again. You're not a tree. You can move and I can hear things. And I've made these excuses before. Yeah, but. Yeah, but, you know, financially. Yeah, but I've invested all this time. Yeah, but I have kids. Yeah, but you know what? As a parent, the best gift you can give your children is being the best version of yourself, the happiest version of yourself. Leading the way with what is acceptable, responsible, beautiful in relationships and integrity and character. And, you know, Even though, gosh, 14 years ago, when I had to walk away from my marriage and my career and financial security and emotional, you know, certainty, it was really freaking scary. And my kids were part of that. They were like 9 and 10 at the time. It was really freaking hard. But it was hands down the very best thing I did for them. And it was how I. I was able to end up in this kind of work. Had I just stayed in a situation that was miserable because it was safe and certain. I'm not here helping you today. All right, number five, the relationship is not equal. Energy exchange. I don't like saying 50 50, because that could be perceived a lot of different ways. But when you realize that you are the only one that is always bending and sacrificing for the relationship, that's not an even energy exchange. Or that your partner is never the one to give at all. And this might be you. You might be this person. I know I was. I was this person at one point. I've been both of these kinds of people in relationships. If it is always their way and there's never a compromise that makes each of you happy, it might be time to really have a hard conversation, lay down some boundaries and make some plans. You know, a lot of times when we don't allow better things for us in a relationship again, whenever There's a breakdown. It always takes two. You always have a part in it. It might be time to do some of this work on yourself, maybe while you're still in the relationship, maybe cleaning house and starting over and working on yourself. I gotta say, when I left my last relationship, that was, gosh, eight and a half years ago, and then I remained single for a very long time. Not because I had a bad taste in my mouth, I absolutely did want to be in a relationship. But I also knew again, the theme. If you don't repair it, you repeat it. If I rushed into it because it felt so uncomfortable and at times really freaking lonely, it would be just a matter of time before the same patterns, at least that were my part, would show up, right? I have. I'm a common denominator in every breakdown of a relationship I've ever been in, whether it's friendships, business partnerships or romantic relationships. And all I can control is me and how I operate in this world. And so I needed some refinement. And for seven years I did just that. Right. So I encourage you, if you know that you need to do some work, you need to exit a relationship when you do. So, please, for the love of everything beautiful, do not rush into another relationship. Work on yourself, especially if you're a parent. All right, number six, you do not feel like you can openly express your opinion. This might be a you problem, it might be a them problem, it might be a collective problem, right? Whether it is at work or in your relationship, if you feel silenced and that you are in a situation where your opinion either does not matter or is not allowed to be expressed, you need to move forward. Now, that being said, if you are in this situation, this isn't necessarily about this relationship. I hate to break it to you, it isn't about the boss, it isn't about the business partner, it isn't about the friend, it isn't about the romantic partner. This is conditioning that you learned early on in a way to feel safe, significant, certain, or that's what you were told you needed to be. And just leaving a situation won't fix this because you will repeat this pattern. I've seen this over and over and over again. If this is you, and I want you to really look at yourself in other areas of your life, chances are there's more than one area of your life where you feel this and this is a self worth thing. And that's not something that will be just changed when you leave this relationship and go to another. Whether it's a Career, a relationship, a friendship, whatever. If this one is ringing true for you, you need to work with me. I'm just going to tell you right now, I will help you so much with this. I will help you get to the root of why this is. So that this doesn't continue to be repeated. Number seven. Promises are never followed through on. No matter how many times your boss, your business partner, or your partner or your friend makes you a promise to change or that your role might change. And it never does. They never follow through or keep their word. There needs to come a point where enough is enough and you admit to yourself that nothing is going to change unless you make a change. Walking away without a conversation may or may not be possible. One of the rules of thumb that I kind of operate with. And you know, if you know the enneagram as an enneagram8, I love to fight. Intensity is like the holy grail for an enneagram 8. However, you know that that was me at my. Maybe not healthiest. At my healthiest, I really used discernment to know whether or not the person on the receiving end is open minded, willing to see their part at all, is open for an honest conversation. And if they're not, or if there is no willingness at all in their heart, then I will not exude any energy on that. And I know that sounds weak or cold or callous or like not holding somebody accountable. You can't hold somebody accountable that's not willing to be accountable. I hate to break it to you, but it's just true looking at actions. Actions mean a lot more than words to me. But you have to also know that maybe you have allowed them to have broken promises with you. Right? This is your part, number eight. People want you to change into someone that you are not. Oh my gosh. I just remembered my last relationship. All of a sudden I was in a career. I was in the car industry, and he couldn't stand it. He was also in the car industry and he wanted me out. And I know why. And it's pretty brutal. It's beautiful and brutal all at the same time. And so I left it and started a new one after I got out of rehab. And within a month he was saying, you've changed. Oh, my God. Are you freaking kidding me? Yeah. It's a good thing, right? When it's my choice, if you are asked to go against your values and beliefs, or if the person has no consideration for how much it matters to you, then they don't respect you. I want you to Be with someone or yourself or I want you to be in a situation where you allowed to proudly be whoever the hell you are and aren't asked to change what you believe to make them happy again. You have to own your part. You've allowed this. People can't treat you in a way that you don't tolerate. Nobody can make you feel anything you don't allow. This is your part in it, right? And if you have a hard time following through with that, you need me and I can help you through that so that this doesn't repeat in your life. Number nine, when words never match actions. This is probably my biggest rule in my life with people, places and things. If you don't walk your talk, you lose all trust with me. That is a trust breaker. I used to see this a lot when I was coping. When I have a coping problem, whether it was alcohol, food, anger, you name it, I never walked my talk. That was modeled for me. That was modeled for me growing up. Do as I say, not as I do. I mean, those words were said to me all the time when I was a kid. And although I hated it, being on the receiving end of it, guess what I learned? I learned to repeat that for my own kids. And I lost credibility and trust with my kids. And when I turned my life around and learned how I got to the root of this for myself. And now I walk my talk in every freaking thing I do. And I demand this in the relationships that I choose to have in my life, whether it's my friendships, my romantic partner, my business partnerships, and my children. Right? You need to understand that people can only stick it out so long when their words match. They have to match. If you are in a situation where it's all talk and no action or something's not adding up, there needs to come a point where you move onto a situation where you have this. This is where the rubber meets the road conversation. The thing is, is if you lay down the boundary, you must follow through with the consequence of what you're saying. If there's no follow through, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It is. Especially when you're dealing with really good people or people that maybe have a substance problem, right? And they say all the right things, but then they go back to it. I see this a lot. I was that person in some ways, right? Promised my kids I wouldn't act like an asshole again. Guess who was a big asshole again? Me. Right? But if you're in this situation and this continues to Happen in a relationship, business partnership, friendship. This is called codependency. When you enable it, codependency is the hardest thing to break. Hardest thing. And most of us have a form of it. If you haven't read the book Codependent no More by Melody Beatty, it was the second book I ever read 22 years ago around personal development, and it hit me right in the freaking teeth. And I still am re listening to it right now because I coach a lot of people around codependency. Codependency, by the way, is the number one thing holding you back in your business. I'm just going to say it right now. It is. And this is something that is very complex. This is not something you can get from shelf help. This takes a dedicated guide to take you through because this is a very easy thing to slip out of. All right, again, go to traceyomalley.com work with me section, fill out the app when words don't match actions and you enable that, you're as big of a problem in this as the other person. All right, and finally, number 10, when the other person maybe is too needy, I've been that person. I've loathed that person. We all have history and we all have reasons that we are the way we are. But there is a point where it can cross the line. When someone is so needy that they don't trust you or that they alienate you from your friends and family and that they need you to feel their every need. Maybe this is you. Maybe you're in a relationship with this person. Business. I see a lot of this in business, too. Oh, my gosh. I see so much of this in business. It becomes a situation that is not healthy for you. A lot of you like to be the person that's needed. This is also called codependency. I see this in business. I see this in relationships. I see this in parenting. I see this in romantic partnerships. You cannot be everything to everyone. You can't. A lot of you want to be so you don't have to deal with your own crap. That's your part in it, right? Get some time, some space and perspective, really, to own your part in this. Just because you own your part, by the way, doesn't mean the other person involved is going to change. And you can't make those changes for that agenda. You have to own your part and make your changes for you, not for anyone else. If it's supposed to happen or if their part of their journey is to make the changes required to stay within the chapter of your story, then they will do that. It can't be. If I do this, they will do that. That's just not how it works. We can't force square pegs into round holes. And sometimes people's part in our story is over. And it's really hard when they're great people. It really, really is. I've had friendships over the last few years that it's run its course. They're great people. I'm a great person. Do they have frustrations with me? Sure. I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm human. But I also know what I'm here to do in this world. And in order to really make that happen or have the relationships I desire in my life, to be the mom that I want to be, to be the business owner and incredible coach that I am to thousands of people, I have to make hard decisions that are uncomfortable, that leave uncertainty, that ruffle the feathers along the way. But I'm going to ask you, are you where you want to be today? Are there things in your life, are there people in your life that you know need to go, but you don't know how to bust through, that? You don't know how to elegantly do that? Well, that's where I come in. I can really help you do that. It's not easy and to try and go this alone or just by listening to podcasts, I mean, it's a fresh start to kind of bring into awareness of things that you're going to need to maybe look at in the future. If you're not ready to do that. I totally get it. It took me a while to get there, but if you are in crisis and you are not sure, or you're seeing your children repeat some of your stuff, that was the huge, like, oh, hell no moment for me. I saw my kids start to repeat what I wasn't repairing, and I was going to be damned if another generation was going to carry on that way. And it's one thing to talk your talk, but you have to walk your walk for those that you love and for those that you lead. If this is hitting you where you need it to, it'd be a huge gift to somebody to share this episode with them. Screenshot this Share it Tell me what you think about it. Tell me where it hit you between the eyeballs. And like I said, if you are ready, you are done playing this game. Go to tracyomalley.com, go to the work with me section, fill out the application and like I said I don't take everyone. It is definitely an emotional investment. It is a financial investment, but it is the best investment you'll ever make. At the very least, you can do an enneagram typing session to have more awareness about why you do the things you do. Not just what you do, but why you do it. Because there's a common theme and I can help you with that too. In the meantime, I want you to be gentle with yourself. You know, when we have these aha moments of like what we have allowed to repeat, I want you to give yourself grace because you don't know what you don't know. And I'm a firm believer that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And if you are listening right now and you feel like you need some help, you have just met your very best teacher that has your back. That I promise. And my goal here is to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. I wish you so much love and light and until next time.

I'm so.

Happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find it additional resources on my website@tracy.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.