EP171: How Connecting the Dots Will Allow You to Have Everything You Want Without It Being So Hard

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

So I was doing something challenging for me business wise, and I'm not afraid of much, let me tell you. But vulnerability and putting myself in a position where I have to rely on somebody else is like a big oh my God, I want to die kind of feeling. And I know that each of you listening right now because you are a leader. You are a business owner, you're an entrepreneur, you're a mom, you're a dad. All of this is around leadership. And I know, my 50 year old brain knows that. In order to make the impact that I want with all of you, as well as the impact I want to make in the legacy that I leave behind, relying on somebody else to help me do what I'm here to freaking do on the earth will require me to work with somebody else. And that feels very vulnerable for me. And I'm telling you this for a reason, because there is something going on with you. There's something holding you back from stepping into the person that, you know you're here to be. You know, you have a calling on your life. You have a way that you want to show up in your home differently than maybe was modeled for you. Even if you had a great upbringing, there are things that you are caring with you that are keeping you from the abundance that you desire financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. There is something holding you back from having the kind of romantic partnership that you want, or the relationship with your children, or, you know, your squad, you know, your friends. You've heard the quote. You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. And I know for a long, long time the people that I spent time with were one that were very familiar in what I grew up with. There were also ones that wouldn't challenge me to do things outside of my comfort zone. Because let's just be real, if you challenge Tracy o' Malley and you catch Me on a day I might bite you. I've been, I've been called the dragon before. Right, so back to the story. I was trying to do something I know, like logically, cognitively, things I want and need to do in order to make the impact. Yet I resist. I have patterns come up like procrastination or piling onto my calendar, busy stuff so I don't have to address it, so I can say when I have time I'll do this. When I have time, I'll do this. But nobody is in charge of filling my calendar but me. And when you are faced with something that's holding you back from whether it's the financial abundance, the business you want, the love, the relationships, whatever, if there is something holding you back, almost never does it have anything to do with what's happening right in front of you right here, right now. It always has something to do with a version of you before you left the house. And quite honestly, I like to say there's like three inner children in me. There's the four year old that got the first hit, that started to make sense of things like, oh, that stung. What does this mean? Right, that usually happens under 10. Then there's like this pre adolescent that starts building the belief system around what that meant. And then sometimes we have the rebellion in our teenage years a little bit. And that rebellion could be, you know, at war with ourself, right? It doesn't have to be like doing drugs and all that shit. Like we can be rebellious in the way that we even abuse ourselves, right? Or we hold ourselves back. And so one of the activities that I do with people and I want you to know that this isn check the box, get er done kind of thing. I want you to know I started doing this over 10 years ago for myself and it still continues because as you move into another level of your life, whether it's business or love or the squad you hang out with, the more that you put yourself into something that's really vulnerable, the more a layer will show up, right? So I want you to know that doing this activity, as long as you are raising your hand and say, I am committed to growing. Which if you're listening to me, this is you. But do your actions match that? Well, what I'm about to give you today, it's a thing that I use with a lot of my clients. I use it with myself, I use it with my children all the time. One of the things that we have to do is kind of look back to connect the dots, to make sense of how we got here. Not just how we got here, but why we got here 15 years ago. I'd be like, fuck this. This is stupid. I'm not going backwards, so why even look there? We're not doing it to linger there and stay stuck or to play a victim. If you know me at all, you know that's not how I roll. The only reason I was willing to do this is because I knew I needed to connect the dots in order to figure out how and why I got here. And why does this pattern keep showing up, right? You guys all have a similar pattern. You know, you can fill in the blank of what that looks like for you. And it's so damn frustrating because upstairs in your brain, you know that this is a pain in the ass. Why do I keep doing this? And then if you get angry, you beat yourself up, or you go down a shame spiral, or you just get so busy so you can disassociate and then you're filled with anxiety, right? It's usually one of those things when we don't want to deal with something that keeps coming up. But it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to keep sweeping it under the rug or disassociating or deflecting or projecting or any of the things that you do to kind of like pretend this isn't happening. There's a reason you're not where you're at in your business. There's a reason you don't have the support that you desire and deserve. There's a reason your bank account isn't full. And it has everything to do with something that went on early on and a belief that you built around that. So one of the activities that I do, I'm going to encourage you all to get a journal. I know you all are journal junkies. I'm leading this group right now. And we were asking what everybody's favorite Office Supply was, and several people said journals. Got like hundreds of them. And many you've probably started. This is a little different kind of journaling, okay? This is a whole different kind of journaling. I don't do the traditional sit down and affirmations and la, la, la, la la. I have two different journals. And this is something that. If this is something like you're listening and you're like, this is so freaking stupid, then this is exactly what you need, because that would have been me, and I needed this more than anybody. So journal number one, I want you to divide into three sections. You can Use like a sticky note. You can use like a little one of those claw clips, paper clip, whatever you want. Nothing fancy here. For all my perfectionist enneagram ones out there that like to do things perfectly. Like, screw that. This is, this is for you and that kid in you that always wanted to do things messy but you were afraid to. All right? There's no right or wrong way to do this. You just gotta do it. All right? So divide it into three, and on that first page of the first section I want you to write 0 to 5. The second part I want you to write 6 to 10. And the other one I want you to write 11 to 17. And many of you probably don't remember much of your childhood. And especially the thing that's keeping you up at night, whether it's your business, your marriage, your relationships, your friendships, your kids, whatever that is, I want you to really take the time. 15 to 20 minutes a day. Go outside by yourself, not listening to my podcast, not listening to anybody else's, not scrolling Instagram or coming up with content. I want you to go outside and picture yourself walking with a five year old version of yourself. And if he or she had full free range to say and express themselves, what would that part of you say? And I want you to ask that child what they learned or what they remember about money. How it was talked about, what beliefs that they heard, the fights that they heard around money or abundance or achievement or helping other people. You know, a lot of you are dealing with codependency and I believe this is the number one thing that's holding all of us back. It's the addiction not a lot of people talk about. It's not a clear cut way to kind of fix this because it has all these different dynamics. But asking that version of yourself when you go outside, like what thoughts, feelings, memories and emotions are coming up. For me, anything, whether it was a story that was told, whether it was your exact memory, and if you don't have a lot of memories, you are absolutely the person this is for. You have stuffed it down for decades. You weren't equipped or capable or supported enough to address it at the time. But if you are listening right here, right now, I want you to know when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And I want to help you with this. And so in the second portion, so that first section is any memories from zero to five. And you're going to continuously add to this till you're dead. So just be on board with it. I just added something to it. This weekend, like it still keeps going. And then in the second part, any thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions from 11 and start filling it. And you don't have to know what it means necessarily right now. And the adult brain in you is going to want to make a lot of sense of it based on your perspective and experience today. And that's where we all go wrong, right? You know, I had heard the story about the day I was born. I know I've told the story on the podcast and the adult part of me knows how hilarious it was. And it was my dad. And you know, the Irish, they, they exaggerate in stories. So I'm sure when I heard the story, it was exaggerated. And the 50 year old me completely understands that my dad was joking. He of course wanted me, he didn't want the doctor to keep me, but that's what he said. And when we look at it, look back and connect the dots from our experience today, we minimize that child. But when I drop into what would a four year old who heard that for the first time believe about that? I was mortified because that one thing dictated how I would show up. I believed I needed to be perfect, I needed to be accommodating, I needed to do what boys like to do in order to be worthy of acceptance, love, approval and attention. And this showed up in my business, this showed up in my marriage at the time, this showed up in relationships that followed my marriage. This showed up with how I operated with my kids. And until we can give that four year old the platform to say, what do you mean you didn't want me? Because I didn't say that to my dad when I heard it. But to kind of dialogue that with me allows me to change the belief so that I can move forward and not be so accommodating and use my voice and things like that. Unpacking the timeline to connect the dots with compassion and love. Because a lot of times when we catch ourselves doing these things that frustrate us, we immediately pull out the whipping stick on ourself, right? And so when I heard that story about the day I was born, I believed I had to be perfect to get love. If anybody knew my truth, no one would want to be near me. I'm not worth fighting for. Those are all things that a young child without the cognitive understanding of words, not always being literal, that child will take a belief and run with it. And then from 6 to 10 they will go out and seek evidence that that's true and then really solidify the belief and Then that rebellious teenager will do what they will with it. Sometimes it'll be so painful like I was, that I leaned into alcohol and food and I numbed it out and I was destructive because it was so painful. And that carried on through decades. And if we want something different, it's going to require something different of you. But the thing is, you only know what that little kid believed early on and what that child in you who's running your show. By the way, no matter how old you are, there's like a five year old inside of you running the show. So unless you build a relationship with that, you're going to continue to have bumps in the road. And some of those bumps will take you out. Like me. I don't recommend it, so I encourage you to do this now. You know, these things are just scratching the surface. So, you know, along that same line of, you know, the kid in me, I. Because it was so intense in my household, even though I hated it and I had ulcers and migraines as a little kid, I also equated intensity and conflict as love, even though I don't enjoy that in my relationships, my romantic relationships, every single one. When it got too quiet, guess who stirred the pot? Guess who picked a fight? Guess who blew up shit? Me. That's happened with friendships too. Like, if it's too quiet, then I can't see it coming. No, no, no. If it's not intense, then it's not love. Right? And that is a lot. That is a lot. And just this last weekend, I could feel that coming up for me and I wanted to blow some shit up because it was getting really uncomfortable and I had to kind of lean back into that little kid in me and saying, I know that this is what you felt was love back then. That wasn't true. That wasn't true. But unless that child in you has a place to voice this and be something seen, heard, understood with love, compassion and empathy, instead of judgment or criticism or shame, or you're better seen than heard, all those things. Unless that child in you has a platform to speak freely and have that compassion, love, empathy and nudging, the cycle will continue. And so this exercise of unpacking the timeline specifically, like, if it's around love, if it's around money, it's all of it. It's all in that kid that's inside of you. And I know there's some of you right now that are like rolling your eyes. You're like, this is freaking stupid. And I know this because that was me. And I also know that, you know, for 40 years, the cycle continued. I could put on a front. Nobody would know I was struggling on the surface, but inside I was dying. Inside, I was dying. And then I ended up drinking myself silly sometimes to numb it out. Sometimes I would, you know, shove so much food. Food down my throat and purge it back up just to not feel it or to release it. Like I said with relationships, I would blow them up. I would overachieve only to feel nothing. I would achieve just to say, see, try and hold me back. But it was miserable. And I know there's many of you listening right now that are feeling that too. The answer is in your timeline. We are not doing this to play a victim. We are not doing this to stay stuck. Promise you that. Some of you like to stay stuck. Some of you don't even want to look at it. Both of those things are holding you back. In order to understand how we got here and how you got here, you have to look back to connect the dots, right? And if you don't want to continue where you were going, you're going to have to learn a new way, a new direction, have a new roadmap. It's why I love the Enneagram so much and why understanding your Enneagram type can really help you and that inner child in you. This is probably the most powerful part of the Enneagram is understanding yourself. And it's all tied into that kid. Because the Enneagram is your nature, it's nurture, and it's childhood coping mechanisms all wrapped up in one. And how your Enneagram type gets expressed has a lot to do with all three of those things. And so in order to really tap into your timeline and that kid that's in you with compassion, love, empathy, and grace, you really have to know what makes you tick. Like, seriously, if this is something you want to explore, the timeline, the inner child, but maybe it hasn't been told to you like this before. Book a typing session with me. An Enneagram typing session with me. Even if you think you know what your type is, you want to be sure it's that freaking powerful. Knowing the enneagram and my 8 has allowed me more than I ever could have have compassion for little T. I would have probably continued to beat her up or judged her. But really understanding the eight in me, I could connect it back to her. And I'm like, of course she was afraid of that. And if you had a little five year old sitting in front of you looking up at you with those scared eyes saying I am terrified. And maybe even saying it, you would never say shut the upper, just go away. Maybe you would. I would hope not. I know I wouldn't. And when I realized that every time I shoved it down or numbed it out or took out the shame stick on myself or exploded or projected on somebody else, every single time, I didn't let that little kid in me use her voice, I was shoving her back down and telling her, it's not important, you're not important. And the cycle continued. So yeah, this is just scratching the surface, but this is a beautiful start. If you are finding yourself with procrastination and self sabotage or you know you're holding yourself back, getting clear about the story you tell yourself is important because then it becomes the lens in which you start to see everything in your life. And you will attract people, places and things that fit with that story. And I'm sure if you were taking an inventory of who and what is in your life right now might be the same package, just different wrapping paper, even if it's everything you didn't want. So I want you to really start taking those three sections and inviting her in or him in. I know many of you men are listening. I have my kids do this too. When you can invite him or her in. This is where freedom lies. The other journal. And I will end with this, the other journal. Because I, like I said, I don't do the whole like, what am I going to say in my journal today? The other journal are letters back and forth to Little T. It's me writing to her, like telling her I see you, like whatever I feel like telling her. And at first this is going to feel like I got nothing. Right? She doesn't trust you yet. He or she does not trust that you're safe yet because you've been shoving him or her down for so long. Right? But my first entry into one of my journals, like I have the two different journals going, the timeline and the letters to her, that part of me. And she gets to write me back. So it's basically like, remember in school, my over 40 crowd when we would pass notes in school? I want you to envision this other journal as passing notes back and forth to that inner child and telling her what you see in her or him today. And if she had free rein to say it, what would she say or he say back to you? Building that relationship. It's the most important child you'll ever raise, whether you're a parent here on Earth or choose not to be a parent. You will have one child to raise and it's the one inside of you and it is the one that is dictating how you show up in relationships and how you show up in your business and how you show up as a parent. And if any of those three things aren't where you want them to be and if you're struggling in one of those areas, this kind of exercise till you die, these two things I will do till I die will be imperative for your growth and for you breaking any patterns and habits in your life that are holding you back. Because you we all know what we should or we should or shouldn't be doing. Yet they continue because that, that little kid in us, they're scared of something. And until you create that environment for a beautiful relationship with healthy dialogue that's loving and compassionate, you will continue to struggle. And it gets really frickin frustrating the older you get. Take it from me, Even at almost 50 years old, little T and me boy, when she gets scared, she's a feisty one. And over the weekend she was ready to rock my world a little bit. And because I leaned into her with love and with gentleness and kindness and compassion and patience guided her through that, I really eliminated a huge thing that I would have blown up and I would have regretted it and that would create a whole different cycle. I am curious what is holding you back and I really want to hear from you if this is something you're going to take on and really build this beautiful relationship. If you had told me 15 years ago, I'd be sitting here talking about Little T and the inner child around making millions of dollars. Yeah, that inner child has everything to do with you. Not making millions of dollars, I'm going to tell you right now, has everything to do with her. It has everything to do with leadership. And once you bring him or her into your show here and into your life like this, there is nothing that life can throw at you that you can't handle with grace and healing. And when you can do that, you are able to lead the way so beautifully and elegantly for those you're trying to serve, whether it's in your home or in your business. I would love, love, love even from you naysayers out there, even those of you that are rolling your eyes. I want to hear from you that you think this is stupid. If you do, I know that this is hitting some of you. I know if I was listening to this right now 15 years ago, I'd Be like, oof, yeah, I don't want to do that. I know there's a lot of you that you said you're raising your hand, saying, I'm committed to growth. I am. I am all in. I'm here for it. And then I bring up something like this and you're like, yeah, but not that. And if that's you, this is who this is for. Like I said, understanding your Enneagram type will really allow you to tap into that inner kid in you that is running your show. And I would be honored to take you through a typing session to have the right information. Not only for the information, but also for showing you how to integrate this in this work not just with her, but in your leadership, in your businesses, in your homes, everywhere. It's so powerful and it will allow you to stay connected to this part of you that maybe is a little frustrating. From time to time you can go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section to book a typing session. I love doing this. It's like putting the human puzzle together. And I can tell you this, in those 90 minutes, you will never feel so seen, heard and understood in your entire life. It will be some of the most rewarding time you have ever spent. It's worth it. The time, the investment, the fear. It's all worth it. You can also hit me up at tracyomalli on the gram and you know, my goal here with you every day on this podcast is help you become the ultimate leader you were always meant to be. I'll see you next time.

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