EP172: Live Enneagram Typing Session—Tapping Into the Wisdom of the Enneagram 9 with Toni Marinucci

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Okay, you guys, this is going to be one of your favorites because you guys like when I bring people on and start digging into their Enneagram type. And today we are doing a live coaching session with my dear friend, Tony Marinucci. I love Italian last names. They're just so sexy.

Thank you.

We are in a mastermind together. And I think you were like the first person person I met this year. We were walking around aimlessly in a hot day in Scottsdale, and I could just feel her energy. It was very. Not like mine, but very. Just warm and loving. Even before she opened up her mouth, I could just feel that. And for me and doing this kind of work all day long, I'm always kind of first kind of picking up on energy and then kind of asking questions that really helped me zone in, like, who am I talking to by Enneagram type? And I don't do that to label people. Like, I know a lot of you listening, love the Enneagram. And then you drank the Kool Aid. You try to go around typing everyone and you know you're hearing me say this like, well, Trace, you're telling us not to do this, but what the hell are you doing when you're talking to people? It isn't to label anybody. It's so I can more effectively communicate. I am a person that hates small talk, and I know most of you listening are. And when we ask really curious, deeper questions and we know who we're talking to, the conversations are just so much juicier. The ability to connect and have some kind of intimacy is better. Credibility and trust is built faster. And quite honestly, like, we only get one shot at this life. We might as well have these kind of relationships and communication with everyone we come in contact with, not just people that we love or lead. So that's how I met this beautiful woman. And she reached out. She's like I want to know what enneagram type I am. And Toni Marinu is a registered dietitian and she actually teaches people how not to diet, which I love. I've been a yo yo dieter my whole life and we were just talking before we hit record about how much of our stuff with food has nothing to do with food. And for the Enneagram, for those of you that are curious, like, how does this present, because you've heard me talk about children and enneagram type, there's a lot of schools of thought on that. But I believe this about the Enneagram and why I love it is it's rooted in psychology and spirituality and childhood coping mechanisms. So it's got that nature, nurture and you know, what we believe about a situation growing up in order to be safe, certain significant. Right? And so how that gets expressed can absolutely evolve over time. But a lot of this and all of this has to do with kind of where we came from and you know, our soul's calling. And I think for a lot of us, we start off innocent, pure. I mean, there's nothing like watching a three year old running free just like zero fucks in the world, like, seriously, like, will you be my best friend to everyone? Like before, like the world kind of kicked them in the teeth a little bit. And I think then we get put in these environments or situations or in households that kind of alter how that gets expressed, right? Because we determine at that age between like 4 and 10 what we believe we need to be or do in order to be worthy of love, approval, acceptance and attention. And so how that kind of gets expressed can change. And that's why people ask, well, does your enneagram type change? Because, you know, at work I'm, you know, this, but at home I'm this and me too, sometimes before. But when we realize that this is all rooted together and we know our soul's map, our soul roadmap and bringing us back to that innocence of like the 3 year old, but with the wisdom of who we are today. That's when we are feeling fulfilled, where we know we're significant not because of what we do or how we appear or all those things, but because we are. And when you understand that you're motivated by one core thing, one core thing really unpacking. When we kind of go sideways on our journey, whether it's through sabotage and dieting or sabotage and money and abundance and love and relationships, when you have this roadmap back to your soul, it really allows you to, to Kind of move the needle a little bit faster, not have so much damage control to do. The shame spirals don't happen as much. The sabotage, the procrastination, all the things. And so, my friend Tony, why did you want to know your enneagram type? I know you heard me talking about.

It, but no, I am, first of all, very excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me. I feel blessed to be able to have this coaching session with you live. And I hope a lot of people get value out of it. I know I certainly will. I wanted to know because I also, I think I'm in a transitional phase right now in my career. And I have been. I don't. I don't know if it's self sabotage. I don't know what it is. I think I'm in the limbo phase. And I feel like having a clear understanding of who I am and knowing myself better is going to help give me direction during this time in my life where I actually am starting to create a schedule where I have choices. And it's like, where should I go? What should I do next? You know, as I progress in. In this field of entrepreneurship, which is such a journey.

So when you say you're about to transition in your career, what scares you about that?

So it's interesting because I feel like the thing I want most also scares me to death if I'm being truly honest. Like, I want a talk show. I want to motivate and inspire people. I want to be on big stages. I want to get my voice out there. I want to spread my message because I'm very passionate about helping people break up with diets and find balance in their eating habits and love their body at every stage of the journey. Like, I'm very passionate about these things. Yet then like, oh my God, that comes with all this work. Or what if I don't ever do it so maybe I won't even try or, you know, just like all the things I think we naturally fear. And I feel like also too, I've worked so hard and now I'm able to like chill, quote, unquote. And I toy with. I want to chill versus I want to work hard.

And so I think that's where I'm at right now, where I'm, you know, my dietitians, I'm no longer coaching clients. They're filling up their schedule, which is awesome. And I love. Actually, I had to let go of that part of my ego for a while. I like knowing more people are able to get help because I'm trusting others to do what I was able to do. And so now it's like, okay, I could go into speaking. I could get my talk show off the ground. I could. I don't know, I could. I'm about. I'm writing a book. I could. I'm excited about this book tour. Like, you know, like, there's lots that I can do, but sometimes I'll sabotage and I'll. I'll do something like out of left field.

Why, why do you think you sabotage? What is it you're really afraid of? It's not necessarily, what if I do this? What if I, like underneath like that? What really are you afraid of?

So I think, you know, from a very young age, the way that I grew up, I was always compared. My sister struggled with her mental health a lot. And I always seem to have attracted people who were struggling mentally. Even my best friend, unfortunately, we lost her to suicide when I was 23. And I just feel like even the men I would attract in my life, like, just always struggled with their mental health. And for me, I almost felt like thriving or progressing was like making them feel less than and they already felt less than. I genuinely, like, have a hard time thriving when the people around me are struggling.

I knew it. I knew it. And I believe there's that component. And tell me this, because, you know, when we talk about the diet industry, it's a multi billion dollar industry and everybody's got an opinion and everybody's an expert. And you writing a book and being on a talk show talking about the diet industry, that's going to come with maybe some shade thrown at you or haters. How do you deal with conflict? Do you enjoy it?

No, I hate it. Yeah, I absolutely hate it. And I think for so long I always have taken, like, more of a neutral approach to everything because it's hard for me. I don't like making people feel bad. So even though all those diets out there are just straight up trash, if I was going to be honest, like, it's really hard for me to go at them and be like, this is the worst thing. I don't want make people feel bad. Whereas, like, there's plenty of accounts that, like, have no shame in, like saying that this really is garbage. Like, so I always struggle with being able to say, like, this is a waste of your time. And instead I take the approach of like, well, if you learn from it, it's not a waste of your time. So I, like, try to make it a little bit More neutral. And, yeah, that's, I think, probably where I struggle, because I don't really take a stance, per se. Always stay in the middle.

Ah, I love this. This.

This is.

This.

I love the.

Putting the puzzle pieces together. And when you understand why you do this, it's going to help you kind of when it. When it is scary, because anytime we're growing, it's going to be scary, and it's not going to feel like normal or in alignment necessarily in our nervous system. Right. But, you know, cognitively, like, yeah, but I want that, and I know why. But a lot of times that little girl that still lives inside of you is saying, yeah, but that's. We want everybody happy, want to keep the peace, because if we shine our light too bright, the people around us will feel bad or we're going to leave people behind, and that's scary. So it's just kind of easier to just say, yeah, I'm good. I'm good. At the age of 31. Right. That being said, where did you grow up? Obviously on the East Coast.

Long. Long Island, New York.

It's one of my favorite, favorite accents.

I was going to say, you could tell from my accent, oh, my God. If I say dog or coffee, I.

Know, you know, I'm a Chicago girl, and there are certain words like, oh, there it is.

You know?

But when I first moved here, people like, I was working in this restaurant, and they're like, what part of Chicago are you from? Like, how the fuck do you know? Are you a stalker? And they're like, no. It's kind of obvious, the way you talk. And I had no idea I even had an accent living in Chicago. So it's so funny. I love it. So you grew up in Long island, and you mentioned a sibling, a sister. Is she younger or older than you?

She's two years younger than me. Yeah.

Is she your only sibling?

My only sibling, yes.

So you're 31. So she's 29.

Yes.

Are mom and dad still around?

Yep.

Are they still married?

Y. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Happily.

Are they typical? Like.

Like, hate each other but stay marri. Yeah, just complain about each other all the time, but stay married.

Yeah, Totally get it. What was the first age you remember, if possible, like, kind of assessing the situation and understanding? Oh, my role here is probably to be the quiet one because you recognize your sister probably was having some challenges earlier.

Oh, yeah. I remember it vividly. We were in elementary school. My sister was in kindergarten, so I was in the second grade. I got called to the principal's office. And I was terrified, like, to I do something wrong, I'm like, Ms. Cody Two Shoes. Like, why am I getting called to the principal's office? I get called to the principal's office because my sister, who was 5 in kindergarten, ran away from school. And they asked me, like, where do you think she went? Where would she be going? They found her. She said, so we happen to live like our backyard was like my playground of the school. Like, we live like we are walking distance. She said she was going home, but she was walking in the other direction. So fortunately they found her and all that. But that's when I knew, because from then, I mean, the saga continued. Like, I was always called the principal's officer, always called to the guidance counselor, but it was never about me. It was always about her. You know, Then the dynamic just continued to get a little bit chaotic as she got older. She unfor. She's. I mean, me and our relationship now is, like, stronger than ever. She's like, literally my best friend, and I'm so proud of how far she's come. But she clearly struggled with, like, anxiety and depression, even at a little age of five. Like, they didn't know. You know, she got tested. She was never really good in school, so they got tested her for dyslexia. All the things it just seemed like everything was about, like, making her fit to societal norms. Honestly, now I can see it clearly. She was. She's a. She's an artist now. She does people's hair. And like, she just, like, was not meant for school. Like, you know, but my mom was a teacher, so, like, for her and my dad didn't have the opportunities that we did as kids to even go to school, because he is. Comes from a very complicated background. And so school was, like, the main focus. And it just. She just didn't fit to societal norms, and so she struggled. And I always just kind of felt like I needed to not make my. Like, that's when I struggled with my body image a lot. I struggled with my body and my relationship with food, but I just never felt like there was room to talk about it because she was really struggling and her. Her situations were. Were a little bit more, you know, you should never compare. But at that time, they really did feel like they. We had to put the fire out there before. Like, what is. I have no room to talk about my body? Like, I'll figure it out on my own, you know, like, that sort of thing.

Yeah, I. I mean, you and I have a lot more similarities Than I thought. I have a sister that's a little bit like that too. And even though I know we're not the same enneagram type, our role in the household was very similar. And I also got called down to the principal's office for something similar. My sister ran away from home and rode her big wheel into my classroom.

Wow.

Yeah. Or the classroom she thought I was going to be in. And so same thing, got called to the principal. I was freaking out because I am like like the, the goody two shoes too.

Right?

Like growing up and stuff like that. So question about that experience. And you know I, I can tell that's your disposition anyway. You are just easygoing, inclusive, non judgmental. Like I see why you have attracted these kind of people in your life because people do feel safe with you and I do believe that's your, your nature. However, watching that situation on unfold. As a second grader, what do you remember about your parents dynamic? Did they fight over what to do with your sister or how like same same here.

For a while it was. My mom was in denial and like blamed all of the people like that my sister was hanging out with. And then as my sister got older I was like did you realize like no matter who she's with, like there's an issue, like she's the one struggling, you know. But so all that to say that their dynamic, they could never really agree on how to handle her. So like they tried be a partnership but it was really complicated. Also my dad worked a lot and so then it was like when I felt that's where then my sister and my mom would fight and I would get in the middle and then there'd be times I can't handle it and I'd call my dad and tell him to come home from work. So it was just like I feel like my dad probably feels similar to me because even though he wasn't around, he would always have to kind of come to the rescue. But yeah, that's kind of how it was.

And you kind of interjected yourself as like the surrogate partner for your mom actually. Or trying to kind of.

I've had to. I was either like running away. Like I have memories of like my, my dog was a British bulldog. Rest in peace Satchmo. Like he was literally my best friend. I love that dog so much because like when things were getting really crazy, we would run and we would just hide in the basement together, you know. So it's like either I was hiding and trying to get away or I was like, you know, calling or being like there's meant the cops have been at my house many times. You know, it was like, you know, trying to explain the situation and it was when kind of chaotic.

What kind of situation would cause you to get involved?

Like violent. So like where if my sister would attack my mom, you know, so my mom was, she would never put her hands on anyone, but she would say all the things.

You know, you know, I love her. She's just complicated.

This is real complicated. I love you. I love New Yorkers so much.

Like, yeah, they're complicated.

You know, I'm Irish and so we've got that whole. Yeah, we're born to drink and fight. Like that's all we know.

We're Italian and Greek so we're just like in each other's business and loud.

Which part of you likes that? Because then you have a role in like keeping harmony. But then part of you that also, especially when we get older and that that doesn't serve us so much, you know, especially when it means moving forward in entrepreneurship and, and being a little polarizing, especially in the industry you're in that rocks that little girl and you is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're supposed to kind of like just keep harmony here. And when you're like, we're going bold, we're gonna be on talk show, she's going, what the.

No.

Right?

Yeah.

And yeah, that's where like that kind of shutting down, like, nah, I'm good. Comes in. When did you realize. Because I was five years old when I remember using food to deal. You know, I grew up in a very volatile home and I was five years old. And you know, I'm sure you talk to your clients about this too. Like the thing about food is we can use it for many different things. We can use it for comfort, for companionship, for. To feel. To not feel. When was the first age you remember that? Okay, there's a little dysfunction here around food.

I mean, it was really young because unfortunately, like it was pointed out to me at a very young age that I was overweight and I needed to watch what I ate. At the same time I remember genuinely loving food, like loving the flavor of it. And it brought me joy. And so I like, I was as young as like, you know, nine years old. I spent my summers at my grandparents house in Florida and I'd be like, I actually wrote about this in my book, like sitting at the table, like so excited for breakfast, like I was going to have my, my toast with like one with butter and I was gonna have one with cream cheese, that's gonna have one with cream cheese and jellyfish. So for me it was like a really, like I really genuinely enjoyed food. But then came like, you know, my, my grandmother, she would like puff her faces out, like puff her cheeks out, like kind of like, like you guys can't see my face. But like with like narrowing eyes, like maybe you shouldn't eat that much, you know. So then it started to become, well now even though I love food, I'm not allowed to show people. So that's where hiding food started for me. That's where I got had this unhealthy relationship with exercise because I was praised for exercising.

Right, exactly.

And it was like, oh, that's a good thing. Oh, look at her, she's moving. Good job. So now then that became obsessive and then the food restriction and then the hiding and the binging, it was just really crazy. But I would say it started, it all started to start at like 9 and then where it became more problematic, I would say probably more in my teens.

Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it? Like, you know, and I say this to people all the time and I thank you for being so transparent, candid. A lot of people might be afraid to say this stuff about their sister, the parents, the grandma. But like we all do the best we can and everything that they've ever done was what they thought to help us. Right?

Right.

I mean our parents generation, they had no problem telling a kid they were fat and they needed to watch it. I had the same thing similar, like I hid food. God, I still do it sometimes. I catch myself.

Yeah, well you have to remember, yeah, it's when you got to talk to the little girl. Right.

I'm like, I'm a grown ass 50 year old woman hiding food in the house that I pay the mortgage on. And like, seriously, what the fuck?

No, it's powerful. It's fairly powerful. It's really powerful. So much so that it will say, I have had a hard time talking about, it's been a while, but it's been a minute. And even like with my book coming out, I'm going to have to have some really hard conversations because even though it's like one sentence or like a couple paragraphs out of like the I don't know how many pages is going to be probably like close to 500, you know, lots of pages. And so like all that to say like I'll probably get a lot of backlash about Those like, couple sentences. And I wanted to take it out, but my editor and my book coach was like, this is your story. Do you know how many people can relate to their family members being part of their issues with their body? Like, you can't, you can't cut it out. So I'm owning it.

And you know, one of the things like in this is a big reason why a lot of the online enneagram assessments are wrong. And even though I had Tony take one 65 to 70% of the time, they're inaccurate because, you know, you've got a 31 year old brain and wisdom and experiences. And when we kind of look back on how things went, our adult brain tries to justify and make sense of it. But when we think about the little child that actually experienced it and built a belief off of that, it's very, very important to honor that part. So I'm glad that it's still in the book. That being said also is as adults we, you know, when we look at children, especially children like you and I, who were probably older souls than most because of the dynamics in our family and our disposition anyway, as adults, we have to really be mindful of what we say because children take it literally because they don't have the cognitive development to be able to understand that this is actually a joke or this is. They're doing this because they love me. So I love that you're keeping that in there. What would you say is the thing you struggle with the most? It's like the thing that, like.

In regards to what specifically?

Whether, you know, I usually kind of compartmentalize the, like there's these three or four compartments. There's our business life, our health, our relationships and our friendships. And if you're a parent, then that one gets thrown in.

Yeah, I think losing sight. I don't. It's hard to say.

It's hard to say that when you're moving forward in your business and it's time like you've got a deadline and, you know, you're like putting it off.

Yeah, I mean, I, I think I, I might. I almost wonder. God, it's like so hard to say because for so long I've tried to prove myself to so many people for, for so many things. And so I almost feel like I have. But so it's like, I want to say I struggle with motivating myself, but then if you, if anybody knew me would be like, you're, you're lying. Like, are you freaking kidding me? Like, you are the most motivated person I possibly know, but I feel like unless there's something at stake, like, even with like the book coming out, like, I was getting in my own way many times. Like, I need a lot of accountability. Like, I hired a writing coach. Like, I've always hired business coaches. Like, I almost need somebody to be watching or knowing for in order for me to like, kind of get out of my own way.

Yeah, you're a champion for others very easily.

Right. Like, it's hard for me to motivate myself unless. But if someone, like, if I know for now that I have a team of dietitians under me, like, Right. I'll be really honest. Like, you know, there's seasons, right. The more recent season that we like, had a big uptick in clients. And then last month we're really. I mean, I guess everyone's on vacation. Like, and now I'm like in panic mode. But now, but like, I think. But now it's starting to pick up again. And if I was on my own, I would probably be okay about that because it's like I'm. It's like myself. I mean, maybe, maybe not, but. Yeah, but the fact that like, other people, like, I don't know.

Well, this is a beautiful like. And when you guys hear her enneagram type. I have a lot of this type listeners that you. It is your natural temperament, disposition to just let it go and be okay with it. But you have, you know yourself well enough. Enough at your age is amazing to make sure you have built in accountability because if it was left to you, you'd be like, eh, yeah.

Actually, now that you say. Now that you say it, I almost feel like I'm too complacent. Like, if I were to struggle with anything, I'm like, too. Oh, yeah, it's okay. Like, I've allowed people to, like, do many things, act certain ways. Just like almost trusting too much. You know, that sort of a situation.

When you're feeling your most confident, what kind of things are showing up in your life and how are you acting out, would you say?

I think I'm happy, energetic.

Motivated, passionate, Good vibes.

Of course, of course.

Smiling, laughing.

Your. Your energy is just so lovely.

Thank you.

Like, it makes me happy just being in it. So. Thank you. When you've had relationships go south in your life, right. Whether it was dating, friendships, whatever, what do you you think happens and what's your part in it? Because anytime there's a breakdown in communication, it always takes two.

Yeah. My part is I. Things build and I don't say anything or I don't. I almost, like, don't recognize it's that bad, you know? And then, like, things really, for there to be a breakup, like, especially with a relationship, like, it's always had to be chaotic or dramatic for it to be an end. And then once I'm done, I'm done. But there's a lot of things that I probably should have communicated better. And I think that, like, I'm more now I'm not afraid. Like, in my current relationship, it's a much healthier and happier one. But I think that probably is because, like, I speak up when things are, you know, if they're upsetting me or we communicate better. Whereas in the pet my past relationships, I just, like, let them do whatever. I never really spoke about it. I almost, like, tolerated being treated less than just like. Like, I don't know, because, like, it was okay for them to treat me bad, but it wasn't okay for me to treat them bad.

How would you describe your anger? Is it more explosive or is it slow building and passive aggressive along the way? And then it's like, boom.

I would say it takes a lot to get me angry. So if you do get me angry.

So I'm trying to think, like, if I get angry, it's has to be something that it's hard to say. Like, I definitely get angry, but it takes a lot to get me there. And so if I get there, then I'm like, I'm gonna say whatever I have to say. Like, you can't calm me down and you're done. And I'm done. Like, there's no turning. There's no changing my mind. Like, I'm on a mission to, you know, because that's probably partly my fault because I allow. I don't really handle things. Things in the moment, and I allow them to build. And then I, you know, once I'm done, I'm done.

Yeah. If you were to leave the world tomorrow, what would you want those of us that love you and are led by you to remember you for? What would that impact you would want on our hearts?

Oh, my God. That's a big question.

I know. It makes everyone cry. Yeah. Huh?

I just would want everyone to be happy. Like, I would want people to know that. But really, like, life is. Life is short. And just. Just be like, that's literally all I would want. I would want people to know because I think people look at me, I am happy. Like, I'm a happy person. And I think I want people to know that, like they can. They can be that and they can do that.

Yeah. So you and I talked before you had taken some online assessments and you'd. I don't even know if you'd taken assessments. You just read some stuff and I.

Yeah, I just read. Yeah, I read the Road back to you. That's.

And what did you think you were on the Enneagram?

I thought I was a nine.

My love, you are a nine.

Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it's just evident on how much work and growth you've done on yourself. You're very self aware. Very. Now what? I'm going to give you some juicy stuff to deal with that.

Yeah.

It's one thing to have the awareness and it's one thing to take action, right? You see it all the time in diets, right? It's like there's a pain point. I feel like a fat ass. I don't feel well. My health's tanking. Give me the quick fix, right? We live in a society same thing with like personal development. It's like, go to this event, make a million dollars tomorrow. It doesn't work that way. Right. There's this middle part. So many of us want to go from awareness to action, but there's this middle part, the messy middle where all the miracles happen in acknowledging and connecting the dots. Like, ah, that's why I do that. Ah, that's why I do that. And not to pull up the whipping stick on ourself, but. But to bring in that second grader and saying, my love, you had a lot of weight on your shoulders and you had a lot of that you never deserved. And so let's be kind. Let's be kind to each other. Because she's kind of trying to sabotage you because she feels scared and you're kind of beating her up because she's slowing your ass down, right?

That's.

That's the dynamic that we all have when that happens. But really understanding the beautiful nine in you, which is called the peacemaker, big shocker. The adaptive peacemaker, like, you guys can be a chameleon, which in all these kind of components of your life, you. You can see where, you know, you just want everyone happy, regardless of what anybody listening believes in. I believe that the divine, whether it's for you, God or the universe or whatever, I believe that God was an enneagram 9 because the beauty of the 9 is that you sit at the top of the Enneagram diagram and it's that way on purpose because you have the ability to really understand the other eight types better than anyone. And even when you said, I think, think, last time we chatted, you said you'd read the book, and you're like, well, I'm kind of like all of them. That's typical 9 answer as well.

The thing about you being a 9 is that's in the action center. So there's three centers, and we use all of them. 9 is very action oriented. But typically nines, like you said, can kind of like play back or any of these things. But we have these things also called centers of expression. You're obviously an action taker. You get her done, right? Like, and even though your action might be a little quieter than somebody like me, who's an eight, and it's explosive, the action that you take is very steady, inclusive. It's amazing. But you really activate in the center of expression, of the feeling, right? We have the action, the feeling, and the thinking. And you're heavily a feeler. And that is why you're able to say, I want to bring my story to the surface. That little girl and you is like, this is going to rock the boat. But that feeler part of you that really is here, to have all that experience means something, right? That comes out in your center of expression. Now, a 9, an enneagram 9 when they're in a growing pattern, which I would say when I first met you, I could feel the energy of your nineness. But the way you present is very three. Like. Right.

I was gonna say. I was confused if that was gonna be a nine or three. That's so funny, right?

Well, they're connected in a way, because a nine, when they're growing and the things you're uncomfortable about are like, set a goal, hit a goal. Set a goal, hit a goal. That achiever is where the 9 goes in growth. So you present very well in your growth number, which is great. It's a good thing, right? But you have the wisdom and the seeing the bigger picture of things of your nine heart. Because the three, when they're kind of like in their zone, they have blinders on and they don't care what they blow over in their path, where that nine in you is like, we can set a goal and hit a goal, but we're not motivated. Like the three. Does that make sense?

Yeah, definitely.

Now a nine, when they're under stress, they will do the nine thing, which is to kind of turn into Eeyore, like, meh.

Whatever.

Kind of like, be a little lazy, spirited. You're not a lazy person at all. But like lazy.

No, but I do notice that like I definitely. That's what I was saying. Like I might self sabotage by just like.

Yeah. Nines are notorious for procrastination.

Yeah.

And being stubborn. Like the way like the, the eights and the nines. We don't want to be controlled. We won't be controlled. How I don't, you know, as an eight, how I won't be controlled is through domineering, aggressive, explosive intensity. A 9 also won't be controlled. But you guys do it more passive aggressive way with stubbornness, with procrastination, with like being fully aware of what this person's saying. But you'll do it on your timeline. That's how a nine doesn't get controlled. And when you guys get kind of lazy and spirited and even that doesn't cut it, you guys move into another number. And that number is the six, which is the number the skeptic loyalist. That's where anxiety comes up for you. Where worst case scenario. Worst case scenario. Like kind of what you're saying about like the book, the talk show. La la la la la la la. It's like this running loop of like, but what if this, but what if this, but what if this, but what if this. That's like you under extreme stress. And knowing the six, like I'll encourage you to look up what a six under stress looks like. Because instead of just being frustrated as hell with yourself when that's happening.

It almost serves like a warning light. Right. Like, okay, this is extreme because my stress number looks very different than my aggressiveness. And it's scary because it's a very dark side to who we are. And very few people will see you going into that. Very few people will see me going into where I go when it's extreme. Right. Your nine stuff comes out. My eight stuff comes out for the world to see. But. But the other dark side, the other number is kind of the kept on the DL because it's really, it's really opposite of who we present ourselves as. So you knowing that there's something that we have on the Enneagram called wings. Right? And the wings really, you know, a lot of people think they only have one wing. Well, we usually use one more than the other. Some people use none of their wings. And the more well rounded we get, the ability to use both is actually a skill set. It's just like anything, if you have the right tools for the job, it makes shit a lot easier. Right. And so knowing how to use each of your wings which are on either side of your number. So as a nine, you have access to an eight and access to a one. The eights, the nines and ones are all motivated by truth and justice. The eight is truth and justice for the innocent. Nines are truth and justice for the collective. Like you wanting everybody to be happy is very 9ish. And ones are truth and justice for like. Like right and wrong, black and white. They're the sheriffs on the Enneagram, for sure.

Yeah.

So with being a nine, you have the ability to tap into both of these very effectively. Sometimes not so healthy, right? So when your nine tools aren't the right tool for the job, right, You've got the Yoda wisdom. You've got. You can see the bigger picture. You can see, like, how to make everyone happy, right? But that doesn't always get shit done, right? And that kind of can keep you stuck. But you're always going to be motivated by the nine. You're always going to be instinctively, like, ready to go. Like a nine. And it can be frustrating because, like, come on, right? And instead of just beating the nine in you up, it's like, hey, eight, I need some big action right here, right now. Let's be decisive. That eight in you, that eight wing is your decisiveness. The instincts. The like, oh, we're going and we're going now. And zero fucks we will take. Bring it on, haters. Bring it on. Yeah, you got the challenger wing. You're capable of this, Trust me. And you're New Yorker. Italian. I mean, When's your birthday?

June 9th.

And you're a Gemini. You got two sides. So let's just use all these beautiful gifts of yours for good. You're never going to be motivated like me, though. You won't. But you can tap into the good parts of the eight. Tap into the not so great parts of the eight, right? You don't want to be a dick like me sometimes, right? On the other side of you is the one which is the sheriff. They're the integrity police. They're the high standards. That's like, nope. Like, this is wrong. And we will take a stand for it. That nine and you is going to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're the goody two shoes. We don't rock the boat. And that one and you is like, no, this is not okay. And we are going to speak this. And the 8th's like, yeah, we're gonna take care of some shit here. And the nine is you was like, okay, I'm scared out of my mind. But they're like your bodyguards and they're your extra sparkle.

I love that.

So use them. Yeah. You will never be motivated like a 1 or an 8, but use the gifts. They're right there in your tool belt. Right. But so often, like your 9 tool is like a screwdriver. We. We don't need to look up on Google or YouTube how to use a screwdriver. We all know how to use it. You know how to be a nine.

Yeah.

But if we're going to pull out a tool like a chainsaw or like a sanding thing, like, we might have to YouTube some shit. So that's your eight and your one. They're just other tools. You don't know instinctively how to use them, but you can really use them. And I encourage you to because even though you're a nine through and through, you have access to four other Enneagram types. You have your wings, the eight and the one. You have your growth number, which is the three. And you can even use the positive parts of your stress number, the Troubleshooter 6. So just learning about the 9 and you is great as the compass. But really utilizing these other four types that you're very deeply connected to really will allow you to lead anyone, will allow you to handle conflict, which I know a 9 doesn't typically love. But the reason the 9 is so beautiful is you can be very diplomatic. You have the ability to tell people like you're full of shit in a way that they can receive it. They take it much better from you.

Than they would for me. Yeah.

Just because I'm so, like, intense sometimes. That is your gift. Your gift is really inclusivity. And the thing I want you to remember is, as a nine, you can care deeply. And you do. Obviously it oozes out of you. You care so much about people, but you can challenge directly and know that like the Yoda 9 and use this is for the greatest good. Just because they don't like it doesn't mean it's not for the greatest good. Because there's a fine line between enabling and empowering for a 9. But really using that wisdom and using the wings like, no, this is wrong. From the 1 and 8. Let's go. Time. We're going to speak our mind, right? But using those three really will allow you to be the leader in your businesses. And you already are. I mean, you lead healers. Dietitians are healers. You're a healer's healer and a healer's leader. And that's at your age. That's incredible. I have no doubt that that has everything to do with the challenges growing up. Your empathetic heart really allowed you to feel people in a way that most don't. So some of the blind spots, we all have got blind spots. And I tell people this all the time because especially people that are like personal development and growth junkies where it's like just, I want to be perfect, I want to get this, I want to check the box. I'm personally developed and you have come so far in very short amount of time, in 30 years. God, if I had an ounce of what you had at 31, I was a hot mess. But you're always going to have a blind spot no matter how great you are. And it's always like I always have to run things through the filter. Am I throwing a wall up? Because I feel like I'm going to be betrayed or violated and I can justify my own crap, but it's always rooted in that. And it robs me of intimacy, connection, the ability to lead the way that I want. And no matter how great we are, it's just like a car. Whether you have a $30,000 Prius or a $300,000 Bentley, driving both cars, you have a blind spot. You got to check. Otherwise you can wreck yourself. Right. And so each enneagram type, if we don't check our blind spots, we can kind of cause some destruction in our lives. And for the nine, most nines have zero idea. Until I start asking questions how passive aggressive they can be. Like I said, you don't like being controlled by others, so you can do so by maybe not being assertive. You can be unmove. I don't have any desires or opinions, so I don't get hurt. So I'm not going to be controlled.

Yeah, literally, I usually never have an opinion.

Exactly. And so what that does, it makes, it can. It's not the intention, but it can make people feel rejected or abandoned by you and not supported.

Yeah, I mean that's definitely true within my relationships. Like, and I'm definitely getting better at that. Especially, especially with my current boyfriend right now. I'm like, I just, I never want him to feel that way. So I always, I do have to start to speak up and take a bigger stance with things.

So that way he can and know that even though people might not like what you have to say on the front end of this, you are actually helping them, which is your heart anyway. Like the short term pain of the conflict will Create a lot more long term effectiveness in any relationship with those you lead and love. You want to avoid. This is another blind spot. Nines want to avoid being controversial and have a difficulty saying no. And what that this sets you up to be maybe disregarded. This may be a way that you get overlooked sometimes. This will also energetically bankrupt you and then you have resentment and so then you'll go the other extreme and just check out. Yeah. Which that can happen a lot. The other blind spot that a 9 has is you have a need to make sure everyone is heard so you can present multiple viewpoints in long drawn out kind of explanations.

Oh yeah. I'm like, yeah, definitely. I'm laughing. So one of the team.

One of two things can happen when you do that is you lose people. Yeah, right. People kind of check out. Or if it's somebody like me, if somebody has to use a lot of words to talk to me, I think they're being shady and they're hiding something. That's, that's my nature. And so I trust. And credibility can be long. You think about the used car salesman that really uses a lot of words and double talks like, yeah, yeah, nine's got to be careful because you're kind of feeling the energy and reading the room. So you keep talking to make sure everyone. You've got everybody happy.

Yeah.

It doesn't work. And energetically you're tired after that. Right. Yeah. The last, most important nine blind spot there is is, you know, being so accommodating of others, you kind of fail to make your own needs, desires and feel known. And a lot of times nines think they actually express themselves. But due to your indirect approach, you might think in your head like that you've expressed it. But others miss what you actually need from them. And these needs may only be articulated like I said in your head. So really using your words, not letting it build up because you've run it through your psyche so much, you can convince yourself that you have been clear. And most nines when they get like that aren't.

Yeah. I usually will say things like, it would be nice if you could do this. Not like, will you take out the garbage. You know, for example, you know, like, like, you know, I'll be like, it'd be nice if you could. And then when they say no or they can, I'll be like, oh, it's okay, I'll do it.

Yeah. It's very sidestepping when you get your. It's, it's like. But then that builds up over Time and the resentment gets so strong that you're legs.

I'm learning, yeah, I'm definitely learning that because I definitely don't want to constantly be on like this verge of burnout. And yeah, it's rather just be more direct.

It's hard. I mean, and you're somebody that works with hormones and diets and how not to diet. You probably more than most people understand the effect of stress and cortisol on our bodies. And a nine plays that cortisol rollercoaster ride with like stuffing it, stuffing it, stuffing and then boom, you know, like. So that's something to be. And same here. My God, I have to always be really in check with my cortisol system. The last thing I wanted to share with you because one of the main reasons that most people are mistyped on any of the online assessments, that's why it's so great to do it like this through dialogue, is the instincts and how we instinctually react to life. There's three different instincts and we use all three. We can kind of stack them. They can kind of toggle between a few of them based on the circumstances. I know I toggle between two, but one is always our blind. Right, but you are a self preservation 9. So the self preservation is like when something happens, you instinctively first check in with yourself. A self preservation is like, okay, am I safe? Do I have what I need here? The one on one is like the us. The like check your very close people first. I think you toggle between these two probably. And then the social is like the collective. Like everybody, you know, like somebody like Martin Luther King or Mother Teresa. They're like the social subtypes, like they're eights as well, but they will kind of like for the greatest good of all people. I'm not that right. I'm all about like my people, my inner circle, the people I work with. I'm not going to be standing on a stage like doing that. Not that I don't believe in it, but that's just not. That's my blind spot. Probably yours too because you kind of had to keep tabs on everything at home so closely that you didn't have the extra energy to be out with all of the people. It was like your inner or you protective, like you going down with the dog. That's very much a self preservation move too. So the primary concern for the self preservation instinct is survival, physical safety, security, well being and comfort. And so your behavior is shaped to focus on that and avoiding danger and conflict. Maintaining a basic Sense of structure and having enough resources is really, really important to you. Which when we were talking about like your cover for your book and having all these options, like, okay, there you are. Beyond basic concerns, the self preservation instinct in you can place an emphasis on other areas of security in of whatever that means for a person of a 9, which is like keeping the peace. Yeah, right. So that's what you are, my love. What do you think about that? What do you think about that?

Thank you so much for doing that for me. You know, I'm like, I wasn't sure I was going to be surprised if I wasn't a nine, just because I was also born on the ninth. Like, does that have anything to do with it?

No, but I love it.

I just feel like I'm over. I don't know. But anyways, it's makes sense and it's interesting to know. Like, I almost wonder, did I play that role as a kid? Because I was. I always. I think I asked this question when you were my podcast, like, did I take down that role because I had to instinctively to like, survive or. That's the role I took because that's just like, who I am and what I'm motivated by. So it's just interesting.

It is absolutely your natural disposition. And it got more magnified because of the situation.

Right.

That's how this happens. Like, I've always been an 8, but in my home, it would kind of look a little different, but because that happened in my home out in the real world. Holy moly. Like, you saw all eight coming at you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was always there. Like the, the really, like, discerning. I was very discerning as a child. I didn't always express it like an 8 would in the home because it was. It was crazy. But out in the world, I absolutely did. And you know, full circle for that beautiful little second grader in you, you know, really, when you get like, oh, this is going to rock the boat, that's really. When you use that 8 and 1.

Yeah.

Really?

I think that's what I have to tap into more, I think. I know I'm a nine. Very well, you are. But it's the other parts that I need to tap into.

Like, because let's just be real, for me as an 8, very rarely is my 8 tool the right person for the job in leadership because it can be very intense. Even as a mom, my eight tools are great, but they're very rarely the tools for the job. So I get to use the nine I get to use. That's why I knew you were a nine. Two. I heavily use my nine wing, but I also have that seven wing, too, that I actually use a lot more. So I'm going to recommend that you really look at the healthy 3, the unhealthy 6, and the 8 and the 9. Because you know how to be a 9. Yeah, you know how to be a 9. So look at the other components that you can really lean into to make you able to really communicate with almost anyone, to lead anyone, not just people like you. And, you know, when you are able to communicate and effectively lead anyone, the impact that I know you're here to make in the world is beyond probably what you even can wrap your head around right now. I know people are intrigued by what you do, like teaching people how not to diet. I know you've got a book coming out. Let's talk about that real quick.

Sure. So my book is called Once Upon a Diet.

And.

And it's about. Yeah, I love it so much. It's about the parallels between dieting, dating, and romantic relationships. So if you have an idea of kind of my story, you guys got to learn a lot about me today. I grew up overweight, insecure, and my weight was tied to my worth. So in addition to kind of being getting faces made to me at the table, I got teased at school for my weight. I never got asked to prom or dates or any of that stuff. And it was told to me early on, like, if I never lose the weight, I'm never going to get a boyfriend. So my weight was tied to my worth and if I was worthy of love at a very young age. So that led me to, you know, with the first boyfriend that ever gave me attention ended up my boy being. And the guy. First guy that ever gave me attention ended up being my boyfriend. And basically, I kept getting into relationships for the wrong reasons. Just to be in one, just to feel worthy, just to feel loved, and then settled for unrealistic expectations. And the reason why I made the book and talked about those parallels is because I would watch, you know, clients before they would start working with me or even with my current dietitians right now. They would jump from all these diets, Diets, like, from diet to diet, hoping each one would be the one, right? And so I make the analogy like they treated it like Cinderella's stepsisters, right? Trying to jam their feet into every shoe when clearly it wasn't going to fit. And really, they needed to be more like Goldilocks, because At the end of the day, we need to date, we need to diet, we need to figure out what works best for us to ultimately not feel like we have to feel trapped to a diet or trapped in a relationship. We really need to just explore what it is that we need for us so that we can create, like our own fairy tales. What I mean by that is like, it's not going to always be amazing. You're not going to have, you know, the honeymoon phase is not forever. At the same time, you do not have to settle. You know, you can, you do have to put the work in and you can create your own little fairy tale. And that's kind of the whole concept of the book. And I did a TED Talk on it as well. And it's just like, there's just so many layers. So when I did the TED Talk, I was like, there's so much more here.

So that's why I wrote the book, because it's like a combination of, like client stories, my story, kind of why we have these thoughts. Why is it that we always feel like we need to, you know, lose weight to be happy? Or why is it that we need to be in a relationship to be happy? Like, you can have both of those things, but if you're not happy with who you are, you don't enjoy the process, then all that stuff is pretty fleeting.

I love it. And nine is a perfect person to make people feel like they're not a piece of crap in all of this because I know so many of us beat ourselves up, overweight and all of that. So I love that. Toni also has a really great Instagram page. Like, she's always the tips With Toni. It started as a blog, blog, and now it's full blown, you know, agency business where she, like, helps other dietitians and all this. But she's so magnetic, so full of love and light and wisdom. Where can they find you on. On the Instagram?

Thank you. It's at Tips Underscore with Underscore Tony. And that's Tony with an I.

And in her link in her bio, you can take the quiz on what Disney princess you eat. Like, I'm gonna go do this.

That. Yeah, it's so. It's really fun. I'm curious.

I'm probably.

It's not an option. Oh, okay. You could be Jasmine, Snow White, Cinderella or Ariel.

Which one do you think I'm like, I don't know.

I don't, I don't know. Heidi. I mean, you probably because of your history, when you Were like the emotional eater. That's actually a Jasmine. So Jasmine, Jasmine is the one who, when she's not in her power because you think of Jasmine, you think of independent, strong, clearly knows what she knows. But what I say is like when you're not know when you're settling and you're being told you know what to do and you're not living your passion, we tend to eat it more emotionally. Right. So that's a Jasmine. But now it sounds like you've healed your relationship with food. So I don't know, it'd be interesting.

Well, when they take the quiz, should they answer how they've been most of their life or how they are now.

How they are now? Because basically it's going to help them to give them tips on like what they need to know. They could go by their tendencies or what that's most often, you know.

I love it. I think you're right. I'm probably Jasmine if she's the most savage, most independent one.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh my gosh, Toni, thank you so much for allowing me to do this and being so transparent and vulnerable and open so that others can learn from your beautiful wisdom.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. It's been absolute pleasure.

Oh, thank you. You guys, if you love this, please screenshot this. Share it. Tag me. Tag Tony. Where can they find you on Instagram.

Again at Tips underscore Tony with an eye.

That was my grandma.

Tips with Tony.

I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. And as always, we are here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. We'll see you guys next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.

And.