EP173: 6 Issues Unique to High Achievers and How to Bust Through Them

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Well, well, well. Guess who is back. It has been a few weeks since you've gotten a new episode from me on the Leadership Formula podcast. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley. And you know, there's something to be said about taking good care of yourself. And I know that many of you listening are high achievers, regardless of your Enneagram type. You don't have to be a three to be a high achiever. And I know the people that are listening to me right now would fall into the category of a high achiever. And you know, I got Covid this last month and was not fun. I will just say that it sucked, quite honestly. And you know, I always try to find the gifts in everything, including something like that. And you know, this isn't my first rodeo with like, health stuff. About four years ago, you know, I was sidelined for almost an entire year with a health thing. So I gotta say, when this struck, I did have a little ptsd. It was not near what that was. I had a mild case, but it still was really, really hard. And, you know, if you've had it, you know what I'm talking about, the fatigue is just like, unreal. It's hard to believe you can sleep that much. The body aches, the headaches, you know, the whole thing. However, you know, I did, like, my initial gut reaction as a high achiever is like, I can suck it up. I can power through things. I mean, I'm the queen of the power through. At least I was. And you know, four and a half years ago when I was facing my own health kind of thing, where I didn't have a choice and I basically had to hand over my, my calendar to the functional doctors that were helping me get well, like, that was a full blown lesson in what surrender looks like. And even though that was scary and not fun, and you know, I'm an Entrepreneur and, you know, have employees and a business and children. I have children on top of it. And I'm a single parent. And, you know, all the moving parts that come in your life, you don't really realize it until you got to be sidelined. And so like I said, this wasn't my first rodeo. This last month I did like, I was like, I'm going to record podcasts anyway. There was no freaking way. Like, I was so tired and couldn't even think straight, really. The brain fog was a real deal and I had to surrender in this and the Enneagram 8 in me. The biggest fear of the Enneagram 8 is being controlled, betrayed, violated, or put in a vulnerable situation. And there is nothing more vulnerable than your health. Right? And because I had had this lesson prior, I kind of leaned into it instead of trying to white knuckle it or force doesn't mean it was fun. And today we're going to talk about six problems unique to high achievers and what to do about it. And it does include health for a lot of you. You know, we live in a world today, you know, with comparison on social media and Hustle and grind and all of that. And it's very easy to kind of get sucked into that. And especially myself as an enneagram8, I have to really be self aware and use all the tools that I talked to you guys about in order to not make things worse. And that meant saying it's going to be okay if I don't record a podcast for these people. You have almost 200 episodes that they can go back and listen to. The world's not going to end if you don't show up on social media. It involved checking my ego, trusting the process. And I think I had mentioned before in a few episodes prior that I had recognized that like my cortisol levels were off, my hair was kind of acting weird. You know, things like that. Like there were already kind of some warning lights going on. And although I was taking really beautiful action when Covid hit, yeah, I was down for the count. And there was no kind of like negotiating what that was going to look like. And so leaning into that and, and really looking at what the gift was in that. Again, not fun, not convenient, didn't enjoy it. However, I did recognize that that was a forced kind of rest for this enneagram8 and so I really leaned into wasn't fun. However, something happens when you surrender to a process, especially a process you try to power through. When I leaned in and like let it Be whatever it was and took very, very good care of myself. Like, you've heard me talk about high involvement, low attachment. Like, this is the secret sauce to what we're going to talk about today. Like, I have a high involvement to my process all the time. You know, when we talk about manifesting, you can't just, like, put it into the universe and then just kind of sit on it and wait. No, no, no, no, no. Anything that you call in, manifest, have in your life will include a very high involvement. Where shit gets sideways for a lot of you is you have this high attachment to what that looks like and what the outcome looks like and the timeline in which it happens. And that's when you get crazy in your head. That's when imposter syndrome and the six things I'm going to talk about happen. It's when your confidence goes to shit. It's when all the things you start saying to yourself, like, who the hell am I to be doing any of this, right? And so when I leaned into whatever that looked like for me the last few weeks, you want to know what happened? I got two major corporate accounts. This is all while I wasn't on social media or recording podcasts or like, basically even showering. I had more applications for people to work one on one with me. And you know what? This body and this soul got the rest it needed. And while I was kind of just surrendering to the process, I have a bunch of new beautiful podcast coming your way because I was kind of just kind of sitting in that season of silence. Again, not fun, not convenient, not enjoyable, but whatever you focus on is kind of what you're going to get out of it. And there was nothing I was really going to do to speed this up other than take really good care of myself, which I did kind of go rogue with my healthcare these days, and, you know, it proved to be effective, but I didn't try to rush it either. And I've been listening to my body, not just for health, but intuition, so many of you. And I'm going to do a whole separate episode on this. So many of you operate from your head. Some of you operate from your heart, your feelings, some of you operate from your thinking and prior experience and all of that. The problem when we do that is we bypass our intuition. And had I let my head take over, you bet your ass I would have tried to power through. And if I let my heart take over, I would have kind of fallen into codependency, like, oh my gosh, the people need Me and whatever else I was feeling or my worth is, everything about my worth is about helping all of you. And my big passion is serving in this leadership space, in this entrepreneurial space. Like, I'm passionate about it, but I am still Tracy, with or without that. And within Tracy is this beautiful intuition that you know why I'm passionate also about the Enneagram is it really allows you to get back to that soul calling, your intuition. And like I said, I'm going to do a whole nother episode about that. But you know, with the day and age that we live in right now, high achievement is like a badge of honor. And it's fun. I mean, it's an adrenaline rush, it's scary, it's exciting, it's all the things. But high achievement doesn't make people just like you immune to like depression, relationship problems, parenting issues, stress, or any of the other reasons why people seek out a coach like me. Right. I can help with all of the above, right? Money issues, business strategy. Like, just because you're a high achiever doesn't mean that that just automatically gets easy for you. But in addition to those common things, this is what often lead people to get professional help. And there are some issues that are a bit more unique to people who reach high levels of achievement. And today I wanted to talk about the six common reasons that highly successful high achievers like you seek out a master performance coach like yours truly. And that being said, I want you to know that I have opened up a few spots for my one on one coaching. Imagine three months having 24, 7 access to me. Whenever any of these things might come up for you as a high achiever, like imagine, phone a friend on speed dial, that is me. And I help you uncover not just these behaviors that come up for you, but really acknowledge and pull up at the root what is driving these things so you don't have to continue this cycle every time, like you get amped up or triggered or any of these things. But I kind of narrow down the six most common problems, pain in the ass things unique to high achievers just like you and what to do about it. So the first one since we just talked about it, is health and burnout. I think that especially women, we compartmentalize and we wear all these different hats. And my goal with those that I work with and anybody that I speak to, once I learned how to wear just one hat, but how I express it can change. But instead of the energy and output it takes to switch hats from mom to business owner to friend, to partner, to whatever else I have going on in my life. When I just wear the one hat, the Tracy o' Malley hat. But I can kind of change how I wear it. The burnout doesn't happen as much. And I am able to lean into my intuition because I'm not using so much energy flipping off hats left and right. And then the next thing you know, you have a health crisis on your hands, you have adrenal failure, you have autoimmune issues, you have a thyroid problem, you get Covid, whatever that looks like for you. If we are kind of in autopilot and adrenaline, we're missing what our intuition is trying to tell us. And our body is our first line of defense. It is our compass for all the things. Before our head knows what's happening. Before our heart feels even a trigger, our body is going, hey, lady. Hey, guy, we got a problem over here. And I'm so grateful. I wish I didn't have to learn that lesson the hard way. Back four and a half years ago when I had all the warning lights and I was just kind of powering through and hustling and grinding through all of it, I probably would have saved myself a couple months of having to really take good care of myself. Number two problem, unique especially to high achievers, is imposter syndrome, right? This persistent feeling of not being good enough can honestly be just as problematic as like a diagnosable condition. Quite honestly, this thing is like a chronic pain in the ass for so many of us. And despite proven competence and expertise, imposter syndrome causes you to feel like a complete fraud. Rather then feeling pride in your achievements, you might attribute your success to luck, temporary effort. I know sometimes I wonder, like, am I a freaking one hit wonder over here? Right? People with imposter syndrome often show up to me with a separate issue. Usually they'll talk about like anxiety or depression or I feel stuck. They usually don't want to acknowledge the underlying feelings of inadequacy, even to me at this point. Now, people kind of know I'm going to see right through it. And I will call it with so much love and compassion, because you know what? You spot it, you got it, I've had it. And so I'm able to really get to this quick. You don't have to kind of like sugarcoat it because I'm going right in for it so that you don't have to be stuck in this. Right? Really leaning into this will help you bring your thinking in line with the facts about your achievements. So that you can really step into your authentic self and feel really, really beautiful about it. Number three is like this underlying agenda, right? And I'm not saying that this is necessarily wrong. This sometimes has been one of the biggest drivers for success I've had. But if this is kind of what's the underlying agenda, the ability for this to be sustainable, whatever it is you're doing, it gets kind of crazy. You know, the hidden reason behind your drive. Successful people just like you are driven. You usually work harder, persevere longer, bounce back from adversity faster than others, for sure. And while some of us are natural go getters, drive sometimes stems from hurt and pain. Like you want to prove somebody wrong. Somebody said something shitty to you, Somebody said like, oh, I'll believe it when I see it, right? This one, I think for Enneagram, threes, twos, and I'm going to touch on all the Enneagram types, which one you're most prone to.

But when this is coming from hurt and pain, High achievement might temporarily mask your heartache, but the anguish kind of just lurks there underneath the surface. Whether it's in shame, sometimes it's anger, right? And sometimes it's anxiety. It's usually one of the three of those. You know, if you were told by a parent like, you know, you won't amount to anything, Some of those kind of people will make your sole purpose in life to prove your parents wrong. Or someone who maybe you experienced a painful divorce might decide that success is the best form of revenge. Guess what? That was mine, My driver. And although it was good, it wasn't about revenge. It was more about I didn't want to hold on to resentment. You know, I was so angry. Like originally I was about like the fu in me. But I realized how much the resentment was chipping away at me. And the drive for my biggest, fastest success 10 years ago was I didn't want to ever have to rely on child support again so that I could let go of the resentment, right? So that's a healthy drive. But when we are coming from a place of proving people wrong or revenge. That's why working with me can really help you discover how to heal your past wounds so that you can be more effective moving forward and be in alignment with what your true passion and desire is. Number four is like this doom and gloom fear. This is definitely something that plagues high achievers. And I'll go into the Enneagram types, which ones are more prone to this one sometimes. And you know what? I'm somebody who's blown up my life enough in the past that I'm always kind of not anymore. But I used to always kind of be on high alert as an enneagram 8, watching for betrayal or for like the rug to be pulled out, out from underneath me. And maybe that's you, right? This fear of losing everything. The more you gain, the more you have to lose. And that's just the reality, right? When I was kind of like that single mom that went to rehab, if I fell on my face, I didn't have as much to lose. But the woman that I have really worked hard to be today, like I have a lot more to lose than I did 10 years ago. And the fear of losing everything can cause you to become paralyzed by that, especially my enneagram 5, 6 and 7. Sometimes because they have this need for certainty and they're, they've got this underlying like anxiety. You worry that you're just one decision away from ruining everything you've worked so hard to gain. And oftentimes you'll struggle to allow yourselves to take a break because it's like if it's to be, it's up to me, especially my self preservation types. That's why working with a really solid performance coach like myself can help you recognize that your net worth isn't tied to, to your self worth. However, we see a lot like high self worth, high net worth, right. And that's why working on the self worth, you can't put the cart before the horse. A lot of people are like focused, like when I have this net worth, then my self worth will go up. It's the other way around. My bestie, Tiffany Carter says that all the time if you have a high self worth, your net worth automatically goes up. And this can help you recognize that even if and when you will fail, because you will, you're going to be more than okay. And actually when your self worth goes up, you will see the beautiful blessings in that. And also working with a coach like myself can give you healthy ways to cope with that anxiety, fear, shame, anger, and give you other strategies for calming that constant self doubt. Number five is the loneliness. It's lonely at the top. You know, in order to be at the top, you have to surround yourself with other people like you. Because environment is stronger than willpower. And if you are outpacing your friends, your spouse, maybe you're in a network marketing company and you're outgrowing, you know, your team. High achievement can ostracize a high achiever like yourself from family Members and friends and physical distance can also contribute to like that loneliness when you relocate for new opportunities. Additionally, high achievers are often placed in high level management positions where it might be inappropriate to befriend their subordinates, leaving you with fewer opportunities to socialize at work. I work with a lot of C suite executives and this is a hard thing. Like they want to advance, they want to have high levels of income and you know, they've worked this hard and they realize that like their friend circle, their inner circle can't really identify with them anymore. And I have experienced a few rounds of this over the last decade as I've really stepped into this. And I'm not going to say that it feels good when you outgrow people, but you have a choice to make and it doesn't mean anybody's wrong or bad. I mean, if you have people in your life saying things like, who the hell do you think you are? Oh, you're too good, you think you're too good for us. Their part of the story's over. And so a lot of times the high achievers, your inner circle gets really, really, really, really small. Learning how to be okay with that can be challenging. And that's why working with somebody like me can really help you identify and attract an inner circle that's bulletproof. When I think about, you know, the four main people in my life, I mean six, including my two kids, but I have four people in my life that are my inner circle, that hear the ins and outs and my soul and my fears and my vulnerabilities, there's only four. And it took a lot of work on my self worth and honoring my process to even in those lonely moments, be okay with it, right? When you work with a coach, you know, addressing the feelings of alienation and helping you identify and live according to your values, this will alleviate kind of the pain and the self sabotage that come along with it's lonely, so you'll kind of dumb it down or dim your light, right? Like a person who values friends and family can recognize that you've been placing too much emphasis on work. You know, there has to be harmony in here. I don't believe in balance because it's just one thing can set things off. But finding harmony and really understanding what's important to you, but recognizing that when we dim our light because it feels lonely, eventually we will end up with resentment and those relationships won't work anyway. Number six, finally, guilt. Guilt that stems from success. Quite often the first thing a high achiever says when entering coaching with me is.

There are people with a lot bigger problems who need you more than I do. Or they start comparing like they're frustrated. You know, they'll go into, like, the shame. They'll pull out the shame stick on themselves. Right? I know you're doing that, too. While there's a common notion that high achievers feel entitled, many of you also feel guilty. And you may question whether you deserve a new car, a new house, those vacations, a flexible schedule, whatever that is. You might feel guilty about that and you might, like, not celebrate your wins. Working with a powerful coach can help you shift your core beliefs so that you can stop feeling like you're not worthy of that or that in order to keep the people in your life, you have to dim your light or dumb it down. This also might involve helping you realize and recognize how your success affords you an opportunity to have a bigger impact in the world. Not just in the world, but in your home. When you are honoring who you are, when you. Which means, like, not dimming your light. No matter who you lose along the way or whoever's part in your story is over the impact you make to the generation that you're raising or the generation moving forward that you're here to make an impact on, you're here for much bigger things. And so what do you do about all this? Right. First and foremost, self awareness. And I'm going to get into the enneagram a little bit on this just very briefly, but the key is not doing this alone. First of all, having an inner circle that supports you without conditions. And I'm going to be really true with a lot of you. When people are working with me, we shine a spotlight on the people they have surrounded themselves with and the hard conversations that might need to happen and the boundaries that need to be laid down and the codependency that needs to be addressed and all the things that come up and, you know, knowing that you're not alone in this and that I've got your back. It's really powerful when you have to start making harder decisions and having hard conversations and maybe tweaking how you express yourself. I'm not ever going to change who you are, but sometimes how we express ourself needs to change so that you can step into your soul's calling in your homes and in your businesses. Right. But self awareness is the key. Really, really is. And I had somebody say to me today, I'm mad at you. Like, I'm so grateful for you going first and speaking Truth and so beautiful and honest with love and compassion. But I'm also really mad at you because when we know better, we got to do better. And now, because you've brought it into my awareness, I need to do something about it. But before you take action, you have to acknowledge really what's at the root of this. And I thought I'd go through out of these six things for each Enneagram types, the ones you're most prone to. So my Enneagram type ones, the reform or the improvers, really can fall into that underlying agenda, usually perfectionism. They have to be careful of burnout. Enneagram Twos, the guilt and that underlying agenda usually are the more unique problems to you. Threes, the achievers, the competitive achievers, really have to watch out for all of them. But they're the type most prone to burnout of their health and their relationships. The Enneagram Fours will have to really be mindful of the doom and gloom thinking, right, that fear of losing everything. And also imposter syndrome. So do Fives. Fives will have to look at imposter syndrome and burnout, a perceived burnout, because, you know, the Fives are kind of like energy and wisdom hoarders. And so they might burn out in a different way. My Enneagram Sixes, the loyal skeptic who also doom and gloom thinkers, I mean, they're the worst case scenario thinkers. And sometimes that need to kind of have certainty will lead them to burnout. Especially my more counterphobic Sixes Enneagram Sevens, the enthusiasts, they need to watch out for burnout for sure, and an underlying agenda. They will often run from feelings of pain. And that's that underlying agenda, kind of to avoid things. Eights absolutely have to be careful of burnout out and an underlying agenda. And the Enneagram Nines are peacemakers. They wrestle with the guilt, the loneliness, and an underlying agenda. And also imposter syndrome. I think Nines kind of wrap all this up in a bow. But if this is something that you're struggling with and you're a high achiever, there's a way to be a high achiever without burning all your boats and all your bridges. And sometimes it takes somebody really with love and compassion holding space for you and really helping you see your blind spots, not with a shame stick, not in a way that will rob you of what you're here to do. You don't have to lose everything, and I honestly don't want that for you. I don't want you to bottom out, to learn this and that's why I am so honored to help so many of you on your journey. Like I said, I have opened up applications for my one on one coaching. I have a few spots open. You can go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section and fill out an application there. Or I have done something kind of unique because I get a lot of requests for this. I am doing 90 minute power strategy sessions with people. We can talk about anything you want in the 90 minutes. This is separate from like enneagram typing sessions and if that is something that you kind of want to just get a taste of what the work with me might look like, you can do a 90 minute power session with me and we will tackle whatever it is that's on your heart. And I want you to know I work really really fast. We can do a lot in 90 minutes. You can follow me at Tr O' Malley on Instagram, hit me up in the DMs and I can send you a link for that.

It doesn't have to be as hard as we're making it, I promise. And you can still be a high achiever and not lose your health, your mind, the people, the places, the things that matter to you and you can still make the impact that you want in this world. And I would be honored to take you on that journey. And until next time, we'll be talking to you soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.