EP175: Why a Bulletproof Inner Circle Is So Important and How to Have One

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

So I know you've heard the phrase, you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. And although we say it, we throw it around. I've even seen some of you with cute little quote cards on the gram. But really, how serious do you take that? I would say, next to parenting.

One of the number one questions I get asked about is, how do I get a person like Tiffany in my life? Or how did she get a person like you as that tight inner circle? And for those of you that don't know, Tiffany Carter is my best friend. And she's like, we joke. We're sister wives, we're business besties. And honestly, our inner child, both of our inner children are besties, too. I know it sounds a little woo for some of you, but stay with me here because this is really, really important. I recognize a lot of you are high achievers. I actually did an episode on six Problems Unique to High Achievers came out last week, so you might want to check that out. But one of the things high achievers kind of lose along the way is connection. Right, Right. Because they're so fixated on the end goal. And most of my life, I have been a high achiever. And I know I so deeply craved connection really badly. I really, really did. Yet it was the thing that was the most vulnerable and scary for me, because when we let people connect to us on a deeper level, not just the superficial shit that I was doing and really believing that that was connection, but still felt very lonely when I realized that connection and intimacy meant vul vulnerability, that scared the crap out of me. And, you know, as an enneagram 8, their biggest fear is being betrayed, violated, or put in a vulnerable situation. And for all the other Enneagram types, you have a fear that is connected to a level of vulnerability. But with having the. The friendship that I have, the business bestie the life, Bestie the inner child. Bestie the sister wife, as you would like to call it. In order to have that, it required a level of vulnerability from both of us. And, you know, I'll take you back. About four years ago, Tiffany and I were sitting in the back of an Uber. We were both going to speak at an event. We had known each other and started to get to know each other for about six months. And she's an Enneagram. Six and Sixes love to talk shit out, and I'm a good listener, and I don't need to talk things out. And I can be a little evasive sometimes because of the vulnerability, fear. And in the back of the cab, she called me out and she said, you know, I'm trying really hard to be your friend, but you are making it damn near impossible because you're so private. And I honestly didn't even know what she meant. I was like, what do you mean? I've stood on stages in front of tens of thousands of people and told my story and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I really meant that. I really believed, you know, compared to where I'd been, that was really vulnerable for me. But what I understood, and I've been working on for a couple decades now, is the ability to be vulnerable in real time with another human being. And until that moment, I had never done it. I believed that if it was to be, it was up to me. You know, that's my wiring. Plus a lot of my upbringing and some of the things I've been through reinforce that belief even more. But I knew that I felt I was missing connection on a deeper level. That inner circle that I knew had my back. I had people in my life, great people. The problem was, is I never let anybody get too close. And quite honestly, they probably weren't the right people to get close to me. But when the student is ready, the teachers appear, and I believe that's probably why you are listening to me. I've had a lot of conversations this week with clients and people inquiring about working with me, and they're like, I don't know, why now? And I believe that the divine timing for things in our life, if we choose to look at it as such, can be the very thing that changes your life. And sitting in the back of the Uber, although what she said to me scared me, and although I didn't necessarily understand what she meant, I knew that it was the missing piece for me to have an inner circle, somebody that I could bounce things off of. I've never done that before and I know many of you listening are probably wired a little bit more like me and you know, that's why you are such a high achiever, right? It's fight or flight. It's like I'm never going to rely on anybody. It's, you know, all sorts of things. And maybe that's not you, but you crave so deeply, you know, somebody that totally sees you and accepts you fully. So what I have today is pretty spectacular. And my inner circle consists of six people. Now that being said, two of them are my 20 something year old children. Typically, I wouldn't say your children are part of your inner circle nor should they be necessarily because that can kind of create some dysfunction, codependency. That being said, my kids and I have worked really, really hard on this over the last 10 or so years. Do they hear all of my things? No. They know a lot of it though. They know a lot of it because I want to teach them how to navigate emotions and feelings and hard things. And like I, we have a healthy dynamic. There's no codependency going on within those dynamics between my kids and I, the other four people in my life, I mean, literally, I would take a bullet for them, they would take a bullet for me. And here's the most important part is they have all seen me in real time really vulnerable and scared. And again, I haven't really done that until the last four or so years. Now, out of those four people, three of them I've only known four years, yet they are my inner circle. And the problem for a lot of you is, is your inner circle, you have decided who they are based on time invested in those relationships. And that's where a lot of you are going sideways, right? You're like, well, maybe it's family, you know, and I get it, I'm, I mean, I'm Irish. We are built on loyalty, love and friendship. It's, I mean, they make rings for us that represent that. However, just because we're family, I can be loving and loyal from afar and it doesn't mean they're my inner circle in the day to day. It really doesn't. Because quite honestly, a lot of our dysfunctional behaviors and dysfunctional patterns came from our family of origin. It doesn't make them bad, it doesn't make it shitty. Maybe it was. But I want you to know that a lot of you are keeping your family of origin your inner circle and it's why you're still dysfunctional and you have A part in it. They have a part in it. But nothing changes when nothing changes. And so. And I'm here to tell you, they're not always going to receive it as a loving move. But what are you here to do? Have connection, have intimacy, have abundance, have the life that you've always desired. It's going to require you to be vulnerable in other areas of your life. So out of my four people in my inner circle, not one is family. And you can judge it if you want, but I'm going to ask you, are you where you want to be? Are you where you want to be? And a lot of times like that, dysfunctional family dynamic really does come from a place of care, concern, fear of you getting hurt. Right? A lot of times our family will project their own fears as an opinion for your life. And they mean well, but they're not in a place that you are growing. And so you have to make some hard decisions. The cool thing about my inner circle, the six of them, including my two kids, is there is six different. They're all each a different Enneagram type. And none of them are an eight like me. So that's really great because they all bring something different to the table. And it's also really challenging because I had to really learn six different languages in order to communicate effectively with each of them. And when we lead or love people, it requires a. A willingness to look at things from their perspective, their experience, sometimes to understand the language, the motive and the fear in which they operate. Which is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool. And also, and this is the most important responsibility you have before we start understanding other people is you need to have your own level of emotional intelligence, your own level of self awareness, and really understanding how you and your energy and you as an Enneagram type really can be received by other people. So looking at my inner circle, how my two and seven kids, I have a two son and a seven daughter, how they receive my energy is very different from each other. And how I have to communicate with them in a way that they can receive what's on my heart is very differently. But this is what builds credibility, trust, intimacy and connection, right? Same thing with the other four people in my life, my three friends and my partner in life at this point, right. I have to really be mindful of my eight intensity, energy and how it affects the other four people, right? And it's powerful. It takes pausing a lot, which as an 8 I don't love to do. Some of you that go in Hot to situations and are reaction. You know, my sevens, eights and threes especially, we can kind of bulldoze through life and miss out on beautiful connection. So with my inner circle, my four people that aren't my kids.

It requires me to pause a lot and be vulnerable and in real time share what's on my heart. Like I said, I had never done that before. And it's still scary and it's still not a natural thing for me as an eight. When we're feeling stressed and vulnerable, we kind of take on the traits of the five, which is the investigator, that introverted part. They're the most introverted on the enneagram. And so I can definitely kind of do the Irish duck out on life. I can be a little evasive with my feelings, with my words, with my energy especially, and, and being mindful that I can be fully present in body right in front of somebody, but be energetically completely done and the lights are out and understanding that that is a very real thing. And it can feel very abandoning and rejecting to the people I care about, especially my inner circle. That has humbled me in ways that I couldn't imagine. It has allowed me to be a better friend and a better communicator. And when I feel myself going to articulate it in words so that, you know, these other four types, don't take it personal. It might feel personal, but not take it personal and vice versa, you know, I'm dealing with a six, a three, a two and a four. So I have a loyalist, an achiever, a helper and an individualist. And all four of them operate very, very differently with certain things and when they're under stress, I do understand it up in my head, in my brain, but I'm still a human being with feelings and all of that. And so when I am feeling extra vulnerable or some of their energy is kind of telling me something and my old tendency is just to say, fuck it, I'm out. I can't do that, not if I really want to have this connection, intimacy, and this inner circle that really supports me and allows me to step into my very best self. And I know you are craving that. I know you are craving that. I have had to put my heart on the line several times this week. And that is not easy for me. And from a healthy place, not a pouty or codependent place, but like, okay, I know this isn't personal, whatever it is you're doing or not doing, because there's some of that going on. I know it's not personal, but I want you to know it feels really personal. And my tendency is to completely duck out and shut down and be done with this. And I don't want to do that because it does the opposite of what I actually desire from this relationship. That's really scary to do because you set yourself up for rejection or for their kind of anger or their hurt. Right? But that is how you actually have intimacy in your life and a bulletproof inner circle. It is not easy. And it does take work. All relationships take work. And anytime there's a breakdown in communication. I've said this so many times this week with people. Anytime there's a breakdown in communication or a relationship, it always took two, you know, especially if it involves two people. And we always have a part in it, right? So I'll give you Tiffany for an example, because I know she talks freely about her stuff. So I know I'm not sharing anything that she hasn't shared or wouldn't share on her podcast. Go check it out at Project Me with Tiffany. It's amazing. Great business and money podcast, by the way. So she's the person I talk to every single day. Every single day. We use the Marco Polo app, so when our schedules aren't in tune with each other, we can always communicate with each other, even if it's not in real time. And it's this really great app. It's a video app. It's fantastic. And. And all the messages are recorded so you can even kind of go back and listen. And we've been using it every day for almost, gosh, four years. Three. Four years at this point. Pretty awesome, right? And they're like, we have morning meetings and I'm a morning person and she's not. So usually by the time she's getting up and getting ready for the gym, there's already a message in there from me. And as she's getting ready for the gy gym or driving to and from the gym is when I get one from her. And then usually we'll try and check in again throughout the day. That is not who I used to be. Not at all. No way.

No. But I knew something was missing. And really investing in this. Do I need to talk to somebody every day? No, I absolutely don't. She does. And when we care about people and. And I know why she needs to, it's not because she's needy, it's not because she's insecure. It's not because of any of those things. But as an enneagram 6, they need certainty. And they are thinkers, they operate in their headspace. And if she is left to keep all that in her head, she will explode or spin out or be a little destructive. And she's actually taught me more about that. Like, I am not somebody who ever has to verbalize it. To a fault, to a fault. And so often, although I don't spin out in my headspace, I can spin out in other ways. My health can break down all the things. And so leaning into communicating every single day has really allowed me to not only make her and let her know how supported, loved, et cetera, she is, but she also has allowed me a space to not practice vulnerability, but be vulnerable. Especially with somebody that I know would never judge me. Have I pissed her off before? Absolutely. Have I accidentally, non, intentionally hurt her? Absolutely. We're human beings, you know, and that's the thing about vulnerability and intimacy is into me, you see, and whenever we do that, that can be really scary for some of us, especially, like me, it is really, really scary. But when I think about where my life would be without this inner circle that I work really hard at nurturing, and so do they. You have to have willing participants. You can't be pulling all the weight of a relationship, whether it's a friendship, a partnership, a romantic partnership, whatever. If you feel like you're carrying the heavy, chances are you're going to end up with resentment unless you speak your heart. Like I said, I've had to do that a couple times this week. It is not fun. But when you know you have the right people in your life, it's what's required. And yeah, they can still, you know, unintentionally hurt you, sometimes intentionally, depending on what's going on. But with great reward comes great risk. And I'm telling you right now, when it comes to building a couple businesses, when it comes to navigating, turning 50, my God, that's so scary to me, like in the most beautiful way. When it comes to being an empty nester and watching your adult children go out and live their lives and take the lessons you've taught them along the way, there's a lot of moving parts to life. And having the right people in your corner is powerful. Now, do I recommend one person being the whole thing? No, but let's start with one, right? Really kind of navigating this with Tiffany allowed me to really expand the capacity in which I could be a good friend, a good lover, a good partner, you know, all the things a good parent, quite honestly. So I started with One. But when we put the responsibility of all the things on one person, it can get a little hairy because that person is going to be experiencing life. They may be in a day where they can't hold the space that they normally would. And. And depending on where you're at, you can take that really personal. You know, there have been times over the last few months, Tiff and I have both been experiencing things that are really, really hard. Whether it was, you know, one of us getting sick or one of us navigating something else. And, you know, are we still our go tos for each other? Yeah. But we do have other people in our life to bounce things off of. And, you know, it is. It. It is a lot to put everything on one person. And for those of you that are married or in, you know, serious committed relationships, I'm not saying they shouldn't be, you know, your person, but expecting them to be everything, all the time, 24, 7 is a lot, and same vice versa for you. Right? It's good to have some diversity. The good thing about Tiff is like, we're business equals. We are emotional equals. We're both from Chicago. We both have several years of recovery under our belt. We're both ACAs, which is adult children of alcoholics. Like, we have a whole slew of things that make it possible for her and I to be, you know, that solid thing for each other. And still we each have other people in our life there as well, and it's really, really important. Now, if you're kind of new to this and you're kind of more of a lone wolf like I am, this might be challenging for you, you know, but it is lonely. And there's nothing wrong with being alone. Like, I still. I'm okay being alone, but that loneliness. When we feel lonely, we will seek out things in dysfunctional places. And so really, when you are more introverted or more reserved with the vulnerability and it's scarier for you, this is going to be challenging. That being said, I want you to know it's the best thing I've ever done in my life. It has made all parts of my life better. It has shown me what I'm capable of when it comes to vulnerability and humility and intimacy, which in turn is like a magnet to abundance for my life, whether it's money, clientele, friendships, health. Like, it is just a magnet to everything that's beautiful in the world. When we can operate from that humble place, that place of true joy and the ability to be present in your journey Today. And so I want you to first start with yourself. This is why the Enneagram is so, so, so powerful. And if you are kind of new to the Enneagram or you're not quite sure, or the information you have, you've taken the online tests and it's just not. You don't know how to use it, or you're not sure if you've been typed properly. That is the biggest issue with the enneagram is 65 to 70% of you are walking around mistyped. And if you're using the framework and the, the roadmap of your soul with Enneagram, it isn't going to make sense. If it's inaccurate and I do typing sessions, I would be honored. It will be the greatest like hour and a half of your life. You will never feel so seen, heard and understood. Not only that, you will have the right framework and the right tools moving forward so that you can invite in this stuff or really identify where you're holding yourself back in attracting, you know, the five people that really influence how you show up into the world. Right? Really important, really, really important for you. So you can book a typing session with me, you can go to my website, tracyomalley.com go to the work with me section and it's the Kickstarter session. That is where we determine your Enneagram type. Not only that, we dive into what your wings to support you, your growth number, your stress numbers and all the good stuff with that. Now if you know that or you know that, like, that's great, but I really want to dive deeper in this and I want an inner circle like you have in your life. I really, really do. Well, and it's going to require a little bit more of you. It really, really is. It's. Yeah, it's great to understand the Enneagram, but that's just information, right? Unless we know how to integrate it in all areas of our life, it can get frustrating, right, because you know, you're sitting on like the holy grail of personal development tools with the Enneagram, but really navigating it in all areas of your life and, and how that applies in real life situations. That is the space I hold for my one on one clients. And imagine three months every single day having access to not just me and the information, but in real time, learning how to integrate all these amazing tools in your life. And really to be able to have somebody on speed dial that can identify your blind spots with love, with compassion, with zero judgment and the experience, wisdom and Capacity to hold that kind of space for you and with love, push you forward so that you don't have to keep repeating the same cycles. You don't have to keep with the same issues that trip you up. The sabotage, the unworthiness, the shame, the guilt, the procrastination, the insert your thing that is reserved for my one on one clients and it is my favorite thing. You get seriously access to me every single day via that Marco Polo app. Yeah, you get to look in my face every day and I get to look in yours every single day for three months as you navigate what it's like to use all these beautiful tools that will help you have that bulletproof inner circle. The fulfillment, the joy, the intimacy, the connection, the ability to be vulnerable in real time so that you can attract like a magnet everything that you desire in your life. That is also on my website@tracyomalley.com the work with me section, that is by application only. I am very selective about who I work with and not everybody's ready for that. But. But if that is you and you're raising your hand and you know you're ready, then go ahead and fill out that application and we will chat about that. We were never meant to do any of this life alone. None of us were. And although I really tried to convince myself that, you know, I could do this world alone, that I didn't friggin need anybody, that you know, I'm just a lone wolf. And although I did prove to be pretty successful and I could get shit done, and I know there's a lot of you that are wired a little bit more like that, that's not how we're meant to do this. And the ability to really bounce things off somebody else that I trust, it's priceless. And it has been the game changer of my life and I want that for you too. And it's going to require a different level of you to have the right people in your life and it's going to require you to maybe clean house a little bit. And I know that can be scary because it's not always well received. But. But are you tired of having the same thing over and over? Are you tired of knowing that you are made for more but you're not doing it? Are you tired of waking up every day knowing you have a role to make a big impact in your home life, in your business life, in your friendship life, whatever part of your life? You know you're here to make an impact, but you know you're playing small then now is the time to do something about it. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. And I would be honored and so grateful to be your teacher. I learned so much from each of my clients and I know that I really help make a difference in how they move forward, going after everything that they know they deserve and desire. And I wish that for you too. But in the meantime, I am here helping you become the ultimate leader in your life. If you loved this episode, I would love to hear how you're going to take this into information and build your inner circle, or how you are going to choose to be a little extra vulnerable in an area of your life. But until next time, you guys, we'll talk to you later.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceeomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.