EP179: The Anatomy of Your Enneagram Type: The Enneagram TWO—Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Leadership Formula. And today we are continuing the series on the anatomy of your Enneagram type. And today we are starting with the Enneagram 2, otherwise known as the considerate helper. I am raising a 2, so I know this very, very well. It is also my growth number and we'll get into what that means. But when we just focus on our core Enneagram type, which a lot of you, that's all you've been exposed to, you just kind of assume that's all you need to know. And that's a great start. Honestly, me knowing the ins and outs of my type really allowed me to look at things a lot differently, open up my mind, have more compassion for myself, and in turn was able to give that freely to other people. But it was in using the rest of the framework attached to my core type where really the magic happens. And if you're listening to this episode or my podcast at all, I know you've raised your hand and said, I am here for growth. I'm here for all of it. Give it to me. So there's framework for each core type and over the next few weeks we're going to be going through each Enneagram type. And today is all about the two and all the framework connected to the two so that you can lean in and become the ultimate leader in your life. So Enneagram Twos have a motivational need to be liked and appreciated. Twos value relationships and as a result, kindness, generosity and sacrifice, self sacrifice are important to them. Twos are always striving to make the world a more loving place, primarily by offering support and attention to those they care about. The Enneagram 2 on the Enneagram, they are the most relationship focused. They're natural connectors, all of it. That being said, I know a lot of you have taken some online tests before before we dive a little deeper, you've taken some of these online assessments and it's a great beginning. However, 65 to 70% of the time those results are inaccurate. So you have one of two choices. Either you take your time with it and usually what I tell people is take the top four scores, really look at the motives behind each one, not the behaviors, because the behaviors are usually a coping mechanism and not necessarily the true essence of our core type. Okay? So you can do that and take your time with it because having the right information to use this framework is key. Okay. The other option you have is to book a typing session with me. Pretty soon I'm going to start doing group typing sessions so we can learn about each other as you really hone in on your core type. You can go to traciomalley.com the work with me section for the Enneagram kickstart session. You can do the one off and just get your type and move on and I'll give you tons of great tools or there's a package where you get your type and then we dive in for five more sessions to really learn how to integrate this in your life. So I wanted to say that before we got any further, the mistyping is a big deal and so I really encourage you to take your time with this or get in front of an expert like yours truly. Okay, so back to the twos striving to make the world a more loving place. They do this by offering support and attention to those they care about. At your best, you twos are unconditionally supportive of able to practice self care with some boundaries and offer the gift of humility to yourself and to the world around you when you're not as healthy. Right? Twos can seem flattering and manipulative as they give to get. They're motivated by a deep belief that they don't deserve to be loved for who they are, but in how they serve other people. So they can be very self sacrificing. Sometimes this is their superpower, but also can be their kryptonite. Right? You've heard me say before, if you've listened to this podcast, the same things that are the gifts of each Enneagram type can actually be your kryptonite. The difference is the come from, right? It becomes our superpower when we're coming from love, compassion, empathy, service, grace. Okay, it turns into the kryptonite and the wrecking ball in our life when it comes from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, doubt, ego, you get the drift, right? So you can see where this unconditionally supportive is really great when it's coming from a healthy place. But it can be the thing that leads them to their deepest resentment. And we'll get into what that looks like. I believe that twos really have. They're most prone to falling into codependency. All types can be wrapped up in codependency, but because so much of their worth, they believe, is tied in what they do for others, you can see where this can kind of get sideways for them. Some of the other gifts of the enneagram 2 are they're warm. It makes it easy for others to connect with twos. And they are generally super likable. You're also giving. They're caring and have the capacity to anticipate the needs of others. They generously give of themselves to others. They're super people centered. So a lot of you, because you're in the coaching industry or you are in network marketing, you guys are the most people centered on the enneagram and the twos focus on building relationships, and this will impact positively on your capacity to step into roles where client and people relationships matter. You're very sacrificing sometimes to support and be there for others. Twos will put their own needs and feelings on the back burner. They're very good to be around because they're complementary. Supportive twos can make people feel very, very special, giving them a confidence boost. This can get sideways, like I said, right? Because your blind spots, if you're a two or you love or lead a two, are that you may not be aware. And you know, having a son that's a two, you may not be aware of the subconscious or hidden intention behind your generosity, caring and supportive things that you do. Being helpful may mask a deeper motivation and how you kind of know this as a two. One of the things that I have had my son and other twos that I've worked with do is before you agree to things because you guys have a hard time saying no sometimes is ask yourself if you are too. If nobody ever thanked me, acknowledged this, appreciated it, or reciprocated it, would you still do it? And I know you all just gasped, right? Because if the answer is no, then you. You are giving to get right. The other thing that happens a lot of time is you'll make time for yourself and then somebody will call, somebody will ask for you, and you'll put anything that was important to you on the back burner. And although that's very Sweet and kind of you. And you are helpful, right? What happens is over time you will come last on the list and your health will suffer and resentment will build again. I'm going to tell you what that looks like in a second. Twos. This is another blind spot for you. You may pay attention to people and then disengage quite quickly once you lose interest in them. Sometimes I see twos when they are giving. If they feel like they're not going to get their hit of appreciation or like the atta girls or atta boys, sometimes they'll just move on to the next person that they can help. A their ego really is driven by this. Their their worth, they believe is tied up in this and they want to go where they can be most helpful. Okay. Twos also have their attention. It may become confused when you are trying to be helpful to more than one person with different needs. I have again with my son. He wears a lot of different hats and does a lot of different things. And when he is trying to be all the things for all the people all at the same time, the plates start spinning and he can't keep it straight and boom, they come crashing down. And that's when the overwhelm happens. And where sometimes A2 can either disengage or explode, right? Another blind spot for Twos is that their focus on others might cause you not to be consistently tuned into your own needs and desires. And even though you're very in tune to other people, you're very, very in tune. You're energetically intuitive when it comes to what other people might need. You almost read minds in that way you can intuitively know what somebody else may need. However, there's something inside of you that believes that if you have your own needs, that that's a bad thing. And it's really the opposite. When I talk about your growth number, I'll explain what that means. Now, left to your own two's ways, like, yes, you're a great, kind, compassionate person, but you can also see where when your motivational need to be loved and appreciated, that if you just lean into your two, you're going to be burnt out, you're going to be resentful and you're going to be mad. And it's not. You're never going to be able to step into who you really, really want to be. So you've heard me say about the wings before is they're like tools in your tool belt, right? And just because we have the tools in the tool belt doesn't mean we know how to use them. How we learn to use them is by picking them up and practicing with them. And so as a two, the tools in your tool belt, on one side you have the one wing, which is the reformer, and on the other side is the three, which is the achiever. Now, as a two, you are in the heart or feeling center of intelligence, right? So you make decisions based on the motive of significance, right? Your significance comes from this desire that you will be loved and appreciated. You make decisions and respond to things based on emotions and feelings. And your underlying emotion that's kind of at the surface, right? There is shame, right? So if you feel like you have dropped the ball or you can't help everybody, you will go to shame. And how you will stay out of this cycle of the two, that you know, having the right tool for the job is important. And I'm here to tell you twos, sometimes your two ness isn't the right tool for the job. And that's where the wings can come into play. So what I usually tell people if you're a two, is kind of use your wings as a board of directors. And so as a two, when you're going to make a decision, I will usually guide you to looking into your one wing. First, the reformer, they fall into the instinctual triad. So they make decisions based on their gut. And the one is a very black and white thinking type, right? Everything is either good or bad, right or wrong, right? And sometimes the two falls into a lot of gray area and that's what gets you into trouble. So having the sheriff in town, which is what I call the reformer to be black and white, facts, integrity, standards. And when you ask yourself like, am I doing this to be liked or appreciated or am I doing this because it would be fun or for free? Right. What do I. What I mean by fun or for free is if nobody appreciated it, reciprocated it, acknowledged it, period, would you still have the same feeling about it? And the one, the sheriff can really help you discern if that's true. But it's going to require you to be honest with yourself. But here's the thing. The one, they'll straight shoot you, but you got to know how to check in with the enneagram one. Now here's the thing. The two can kind of say, I'm in the feels, I really want to do this. You check with the one, the one is saying, hell no, this isn't okay. We are definitely attached to the outcome here. All of my worth is tied up in this and the one will just kind of lay down the law. But then the two doesn't necessarily know what to do with that, right? And so on the other side of the two, also driven by significance, is the three. They're kind of like the assertive executor, and they don't, although they're driven by significance as well. They can emotionally detach a little bit to the outcome, right? They like an outcome, they like an end goal, but they aren't emotionally attached to the process. You see what I'm saying? And so really as a two leaning into your wings, this will allow you a few things to grow. To have healthy boundaries, to have you say no and mean no, to have more time for yourself so that you can find out what the heck you're here to do. Because you're here to do mighty, mighty things as well. And at first, when you start exercising and using these tools, it's going to get really uncomfortable for you. A few things are going to happen when you start saying no to things because you've conditioned people in your life to just assume you're going to say yes to everything. You might get some pushback. And if you aren't skilled in using these wing tools, you're going to go back to the tool you know, which is your tunis, which will have you saying yes when sometimes you mean no, right? These are when you're not as strong in your boundaries, okay? So you might get some pushback. The other thing that happens is a lot of times the person that is so used to you saying yes and you say no, they might not get mad, but they're going to move on to somebody else. And that FOMO can really rock your ego a little bit. Or you might have an aha moment and say, wow, I thought this person was my friend, but it's looking like they were only my friend as long as I would do what they wanted me to do. Right? The other thing A2 needs to be aware of when they start saying no and they have more time to themselves is you're going to realize sometimes you are out helping all over the place to keep from dealing with your own stuff. It happens a lot. It's way easier to be in everybody else's business, even when it's in this helper kind of phase, than it is dealing with a how much time maybe you have spent in your life not doing what you want to do. 2 Realizing that maybe you don't even know what you want to do because you've been so busy helping other People and you might realize that you've buried some stuff that you need to handle. And it was way easier to be a little self righteous in your helper ways. And I mean this with so much love and compassion because a lot of you have come by this innocently. For many of you, this is totally, totally subconscious, right? But you're here listening. And when you know better, you got to do better, right? You can't be the martyr around this, and I don't want you to maybe, because I know the tendency to kind of go to shame for you twos is really high. When you catch yourself doing this, I want you to meet it with compassion. Shame serves no good in this whole thing we call life. It absolutely just keeps us stuck in a cycle. It keeps us in a prison, so to speak. So if you catch, you're going to notice because you're going to start asking yourself certain questions if you really want to grow and you're going to realize where and how often maybe you have subconsciously done things to get your worth filled up. And the tendency for you to kind of like beat yourself up for that will be high. And I want you to know if you really want to have boundaries and, and not feel so resentful, then it's going to require you to have compassion for yourself. You didn't know much different somewhere along the way. I mean, you're wired this way, but then somewhere along the way, your environment, where you were raised, where you went to school, there's tons of different dynamics that could come into play to reinforce the unhealthy part of this too. But it's going to be really, really important that you meet this with compassion. Now, the growth number for the two. So we all move to a number when we're growing, right? Again, if you just leave it up to the two in you, it's never gonna happen, not even a little bit. Because the two in a growth pattern ironically goes to the enneagram four, which is called the individualist. And I know every two is like, no, no, no, no. My whole identity is about helping other people. I get that. That will always be where your heart lies. But to be the ultimate leader in your life for yourself, for those you love, and for you lead, it's going to require you to embody this healthy four, which is the individualist. They're still driven by significance as well, but their significance is found in becoming the most authentic and true, unique version of themselves. And so you can see when you start to say no to things and you have more time than you've ever had before because you've kind of been vetted. What you'll say yes to all this time that you're going to free up will allow you to move to this Enneagram. For individualists, you're going to resist it because it's going to feel really uncomfortable because you think you're you. You actually, a part of you believes that your worth is in what you do for others. And so using that one wing to say, no, no, no, no, no, we're not going to say yes to that. And the three saying, you know what the goal is? The goal is to find things what we like to do things without involving other people. One of the things my son did with this free time, he freed up and it was really, really uncomfortable for him. And it, it was not an easy process. But like I've told you, using these wings to kind of push him into that healthy four, he realizes how much better he can serve people and actually help people. When he's not coming from this, this space of believing, like his worth is tied into this. When he says yes to things, it's because he actually really, really wants to do it. And he has more confidence when he does it. And because he's only saying yes by leaning into this healthy four to things that he really desires to do. When something comes along that is so important to him, he isn't double booked. He doesn't have to say no. He doesn't have to feel guilty that he doesn't say no. He can do things a little more spontaneous that he likes to do, but that doesn't come without you really leaning into growth. This is probably one of the hardest things on all the Enneagram types, the two going to the four. It is probably one of the most challenging moves, but required because when you are giving from a place of real love and compassion and service, there will be no resentment ever. And it's a beautiful thing. So what happens when the two is over giving and spinning too many plates and has overbooked themselves and feels like they don't get time for themselves, but actually like they're afraid of time for themselves and that resentment starts to pile up and you will bury it under like, I'm just being a good person or they couldn't do this without me or if I don't do it, who will? Right? What happens is that resentment starts to pile up and sometimes it takes one thing to happen and it's usually somebody that you actually love and supports you. They usually get the wrath of your over committing and over giving without filling yourself up. And all of a sudden my twos out there look like an unhealthy version of yours truly, the eight. So the two is that compassionate helper, considerate helper. All of a sudden you start looking like the active challenger and you start getting really nasty and defensive and you say things that are cutting. And although in the moment you may not realize what you're doing, when you come out of that, because that's not your nature, right? You go to shame all over again. And it keeps the cycle going. And so for those of you that love it too, this is really, really important. This is something I had to learn with my son specifically because when he would do that, oh my gosh, then it was off to the races, right? Because I was like, oh no, no, no, no, we're not, we're not doing that. We're not doing that at all. And I like to fight as an eight, right? And so it became this really explosive kind of thing that really served no one right. And then a lot of hurt feelings. And so if you love a two, if you start to see them get defensive or very reactionary, it will feel personal, but it's not. And to kind of say, where can I help you? Have you over yesed yourself? And a lot of times that can snap them out of that. And if you are a two, when you use this as warning lights in the framework of this to like indicate that, oh my gosh, I've been over giving, where can I clear my plate? Or where can I ask for what I need? Twos, you have to use your words. You must. We can't read minds like you do. The other eight types can't read minds like you do. And it is not selfish for you to have needs. Now we're going to talk about the subtypes real quick because this is one of the other reasons why a lot of you are mistyped. Because this is our instinctual response to life. And whichever one you're dominant in can really alter the expression of your type. And within each of the nine Enneagram types there's a counter type which is like one of these things does not look like the other, right? And this is why a lot of times people can be mistyped. I see it all the time. So there's self preservation, which is like when life happens, you immediately go into oh my gosh, what's going to happen to me? Right? Then there's the one on one, oh my gosh, what's going to Happen with my close inner circle, right? And then the social is like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen to all the people? Right? And usually two of them, you toggle through, toggle between pretty, pretty freely. Some of you are heavy dominant in one. The goal is to get as healthy as you can and really use the framework of the Enneagram so you can be powerful in all three. Because life is going to happen. Yes, you have to worry about, you know, your safety and your self preservation. You do have an inner circle and a close community and family. And yes, because we're great human beings here to serve in some way, you know, worrying about humankind is also important. So real quick, the self preservation counter type 2 often mistypes with seven or sixes. They are the cutesy, often childlike subtype in that they are slightly shy but charming and inspire protective instincts in others. And The Self Preservation 2 wants to be taken care of but resists being dependent on others. So they are kind of protective in taking on long term commitments and responsibilities. And they feel hurt or withdraw when they feel fear, rejection from others. The one on one subtype of the Enneagram 2 focuses their talents, seductive abilities and energy on attracting and building strong intimate relationships. And in close relationships, they are often able to feel trust and assert their needs more clearly. Right? They're strong willed, flexible and passionate, even a little bit wild at heart, which may cause mistyping with the enneagram 4. I see this a lot. They're super devoted in close relationships and they find it difficult to accept limits or take no for an answer. And finally, the social subtype amongst the Enneagram Twos. This two uses their seductive powers in a more intellectual way to attract and engage groups, communities and bigger systems out there. They stand out from the crowd, often taking a central or leadership role. They enjoy being in the know. They build their influence on their competence and connections and giving more than they get. Maybe a strategy to distract them from uncomfortable feelings. This type, this subtype is less childlike than the other tutus. Their ambition and influence can mistype this type as a three or an eight, which is like, wow, this happens a lot too, especially in the entrepreneurial world. I see this happening a lot. My twos. Oh my gosh, do I love you. You teach me how to have compassion and empathy in ways that I lacked. And I really want you to learn and feel free and feel good and confident in laying down boundaries and using the framework of the Enneagram type. Not just your Tunis, but your wings and your growth Number your stress, number your subtype to really step into what you're here to do. You can serve many, many, many people from the most beautiful place when you honor your own process too. We need you to use your words. We want to help you, but we can't read your mind. So please speak up.

If you don't know what type you are, let me help you again. You can take the online assessments. It's a great beginning point. It's a beautiful beginning point. But then you got to be patient and realize that it may take a little while to get to where you're at with it. The beauty in doing a typing session with me is not only will you get your type, I will take you through all this framework and how that applies in your life and how to use the tools to handle some harder things or some challenging things you want to do. Or step into what you have been called to do, what you know you are here for. If you want to quit playing small, you can go to traceyomalley.com to work with me section and do that. It'll be one of the most powerful hour pluses of your life. You will probably never feel more seen, heard and understood in your lifetime and have some real tangible things to take with you moving forward. Especially when this growth can feel scary. Oh my goodness. I love when I see a 2 really step into the ultimate leader that they are because the way that you can help people really gets elevated to a next level that you cannot even imagine. If you love or lead an enneagram too, please share this with them. I hope that you found some aha moments for yourself as you love and lead them and have learned a few things on how you can more effectively bring out the very best in them. If you love this episode, please share it. You can tag me on Instagram tracyomalley and until then, here's to begin becoming the ultimate leader in your life.

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This show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracym. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy omalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.