EP180: The Anatomy of Your Enneagram Type: The Enneagram THREE—Achieving Your Wildest Dreams with Your Heart

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are continuing our series on the anatomy of your Enneagram type. And I know I have a lot of three listeners out there or a lot of you that love or lead one. Yeah, we're going to talk today all about the three, the competitive achiever. And I know this is the type we all want to be like. And every three out there is going, of course you do. We're the best in the whole wide world. And you are at a lot of things. You guys definitely raise the bar on setting goals and hitting goals, and part of you that is like, yeah, you all want to be like me. Kind of feeds the beast a little bit. And so we're gonna try and not only help you not put so much damn pressure on yourself, but also give some insight on how to most effectively love and lead you. Because you do struggle a lot. A lot more than anybody would ever know. There is a torture that Enneagram threes kind of live in, and very rarely would you ever know it, see it, or hear about it. So threes often are mistyped as well. Threes and eights, I would say, are probably the most mistyped on the Enneagram because the behavior seems so obvious, right? Like, when you see somebody as a high achiever, those behaviors don't lie. Same thing with an 8. When somebody is kind of in that zone, we kind of answer based on behaviors. I was MistyPed as a 3 originally. So being MistyPed as a 3, this information won't serve you as beautiful as it can if you're mistyped. Mistyping is one of the hardest parts of the Enneagram, but there is a few ways to get it right. But 65 to 70% of you are mistyped based on these online assessments that you have taken. All of them, even the paid ones. It happens. It happens. So you have One of two choices. If you're going to take an online assessment, I recommend a paid one. Those are still inaccurate. However, you get a little bit more information in the assessment results and what I'll usually say is look at the top four. Break them down by motive, not behaviors. Usually the top score is a behavior that you have learned to cope more often than not. So take your time with it. Don't try to rush this information because having the wrong information serves to be pointless. Or the other option you can do is get in front of a professional Enneagram expert like yours truly. I currently am doing individual typing sessions. It is my favorite thing to do. It's like helping you solve a puzzle that all of a sudden unlocks like the secret door of all this juicy part of who you are. It also allows you to have so much more compassion for yourself and you stop pulling out the shame stick or the whipping stick on yourself. And when you do a typing se with me, it is probably the most seen, heard and understood and valued you'll ever feel. That can be exciting and also nervous. I'm a safe place to fall and it is my honor to do that with you. I will soon be doing group typing sessions so that you can nail down your type with an investment that is maybe more in your wheelhouse. And also doing a group setting will allow you to learn about some other types too. So stay tuned for that. All right, so all juicy things enneagram3, my competitive achievers out there. You fall into the heart triad, the feeling center of intelligence, which means that you make decisions and respond to life through your feelings. Which if you know a 3, you're probably thinking, no, they don't. But they do. And I will explain. Threes are driven by significance. They believe that their significance in this world is by what they do achieve or how they appear to the world. Right? So they actually do care. They really, really do care. They do have feelings about it. Again, you won't see a lot of it where they go. Their underlying emotion is shame. Again, you won't ever see it. How they deal with their shame is by completely disassociating from it. And that's why they'll move on to the next goal or move the finish line or. Or when I talk about their stress number, this will make a lot of sense. Enneagram threes are likely to value achievement and want to be the very best. They win at winning, quite honestly. As a result, efficiency, results, recognition and image are super important to them. 3 Strive for success in their chosen field. They tend to be highly flexible and willing to adapt, achieve their goals. When the pandemic hit and the world got shut down, watching threes completely pivot to still crush goals was so fascinating to watch. At their best, others will experience threes as hardworking, principled, receptive. They can offer the gift of hope and integrity to the world. And that's what most of us see in them. Right? And you know, I've said this before, like our superpowers can also be our wrecking ball or kryptonite in our life, right? So you know, they, they do offer this hope of like, holy crap, anything's possible. But in an unhealthy state, the enneagram 3's over expressed need for achievement might seem a little self important. This is where they can be a little self absorbed. This is where they can be a bulldozer. You know, they're so fixated on the end goal that they will sacrifice anything to get there. And sometimes that's their body, their health and their relationships. And this stems from a sense of self worth that is built on what the three does rather than who the three is. Okay. The three values winners and they believe the world values winners. And so there's this underlying driving force you can imagine if your whole significance, you believe, is built on what you do, what you achieve, or how you appear to the world. I must succeed at all costs really happens. And avoiding failure, and this is, this type is the most prone to workaholism. No big surprise there, right? And they often don't feel connected to many people. A lot of threes I will see will change friend groups a lot or like, you know, there's their inner circle shifts, you know, they want to hang with the people that align with their goals. And there's nothing wrong with that, Right. Like you've heard it, you are who you surround yourself with. Right? But they will do it in the name of achievement and not necessarily intimate connection. Okay, so the gifts of the enneagram 3, these are great when they come from love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. Very ambitious Threes are ambitious and have the will and energy to strive to be the best at whatever they take on. And they believe in their ability to succeed. Like they have this posture and swagger and confidence when they're in a good place. Right? And they'll even mask this posture and confidence when they're in a dark place. And I'll get into that. Threes are super efficient, they're resourceful, they know how to do things in a way that is efficient and productive because they don't have time to screw around. Right. They're adaptable. Threes will also delegate very well. I'm a little envious of that one because they want to, you know, crush it. They need help to do that. And they're shameless sometimes. It's a word that I use for threes a lot. With so much love and and respect. Like they're shameless for the ask. I envy that as well. I am terrible at that. Another reason I knew I was within to three. They're very adaptable. Like I said about the pivoting with the pandemic, along with being willing to adapt to achieve their goals, Threes are able to adjust to different situations, people or environments skillfully. Threes are very driven. That's probably the thing we admire the most. Their high energy and enthusiasm for projects gets things done and pushes others to perform as well. It's one of those things. If you're in the presence of a three, it's kind of this unspoken thing. Either like you buckle up and keep up or you're going to eat my dust. That can be really, really good. And it can also be very destructive. Okay. Threes are very results oriented. Setting goals and applying themselves to achieve these are as natural to threes as breathing. They are focused on the end result all the time. So the blind spots for the threes, and this is important for those of you that love or lead A3 to understand that threes are very aware of presentation and image. And this can become self deceptive when they start believing their own PR right in over identifying with their public image and how they appear to the world. Threes may lose touch with who they really are and create confusion between the real self and their job or role in the world. And others may also tune into this, experiencing threes as insincere, opportunistic and uncaring. And I have to be really honest here. Threes are probably the ones that I used to so harshly judge. Because of this blind spot and because I'm an instinctual eight, I can see through the facade. I really, really can. And threes out there, you either love me or you run like hell from me because you know that I see you. The difference between now and then is I don't judge a 3 anymore. I look at them, I can see still very clearly what's happening sometimes. But it's met with love and compassion if you guys choose to lean in. But because so much of who you are is really driven by what people might think of you, especially people that you deem as successful or on your level. This can prove to be very scary for threes. And so I do experience this a lot. Either threes are really drawn to me because they see this pattern of like running in the hamster wheel or continuously moving the finish line or not taking time to celebrate or their body or their relationships have. Have been burnt out because of this drive. And they know, like, something's gotta give. When a 3 is in the presence of me, they know that I can help them and I can. They get mad at me from time to time because I will sometimes slow them down so that they can speed up in a way that feels so beautiful and elegant and actually has them achieving goals without as much damage control to do and without as much wreckage left behind. But this is a really, really powerful moment when a 3 is ready to make a change, humbling themselves enough to be seen in a light that's not perfect or. Or like the best. We're all human threes, I promise you. I love coaching threes today because I'm driven. I mean, I was mistyped as a 3 and I see why. Like, I'm a high achiever, like crush goals. But the motive between me as an 8 and a 3 are very, very, very, very, very, very different. And this is why threes and eights are often mistyped as each other a lot. Okay. Another blind spot for the three is that you find it difficult to discuss negative issues and will often rush or dismiss such conversations like you don't have time for emotions. And ironically, your wings are very, very emotional. And because feelings and questions or things like that, you can inadvertently make people feel dismissed and like, you really don't give a shit unless they're part of your end goal. This will be particularly true if the criticism points towards mistakes and shortcomings, right? Especially if some feedback is coming your way like you're like, hell no. And you'll be like. And you'll get a little self righteous or you might flex a little bit, right? Three's strong goal orientation and drive might lead to others experiencing you as impatient, rushed and dismissive. Like I said about, you know, the other thing. Behaviors which will be intensified when the three is dealing with people that come across as incompetent and may make you look bad. Right? If you feel like somebody may be on to you, this is where you can start flexing like this. Another blind spot is that A3's confidence can be projected as certainty, right? Where certainty easily seems like a good thing. It can seem dismissive of alternative perspectives, thereby keeping people out of a conversation. And it may decrease your openness to input from A3's plans and goals. You know, if you're not feeling seen, heard or understood or valued, like, even if A3 knows what's up, the other eight types might be like, screw you, you're an asshole. I don't care. I am not jumping on that. And I, you know, we see a lot of threes in the entrepreneur space. And I, you know, I'm watching and I see it happen a lot. The other thing I want to tell the threes, and this is really important because you guys are such high achieving, goal setting, goal crushing people that if you don't slow down and really tap into the emotional part of you, you're going to leave a lot, a lot of money on the table. Right? Threes, this is super, super important. You will leave a lot of money on the table. You will not be able to benefit from the diverse support system that you can have to actually crush the goals. You will actually become more productive. This is why, like, getting them to slow down, to speed up is challenging for them. But once they lean into this, oh my goodness, like everything becomes easier and you make more money and you actually achieve more and you feel freaking fulfilled. But it's going to require you to slow down for a moment. I promise. Once you know what this looks like and you find the elegance in this, it gets a lot easier and you can move through it faster. But you can't bypass this because you will sacrifice things that really affect your bottom line, affect your soul roadmap, affect the things that you care about. Your family, your health, all of it. So if you're a three listening to this right now, I say this with so much compassion and love. I know how tortured you can be sometimes and how alone you can be. And I really do want to help you. Because three is you guys make us all freaking great and you make things happen. But you don't have to sacrifice all the things that you love to do it. Your worth isn't what you do. It isn't. And I love, I'll Never compliment A3 on what they do. And they can't stand it. Like threes can fish for compliments. Sometimes they want to hear how amazing they are. And although they are, I don't want to feed an unhealthy ego. Right? It doesn't mean I'm judging the ego. I get why it is that way. However, I want them to understand that they aren't Great because of what they do or achieve. It's because of who they are and their heart and their energy. And I will always compliment a 3 on their heart and their energy and their. Their vulnerability. Now, threes make things happen. And like I said, although you can crush goals, it isn't always the most effective thing, especially if you're dealing with humans, right? And most of the things we do in this world, whether we have families or we're in business, we're going to deal with other humans. And if we just leave it up to your three tools, you're going to miss the mark. And so what I tell threes a lot of the time is you've got, like, in your tool belt, right? They're only good if you pick them up. But having the right tools for the job are really, really important. And your three tools, although you make crap happen with it, it isn't always the best way to go about things. And I know you want to be effective. Not always, right Threes, you guys are right a lot. However, you're going to miss the mark. You're not going to have the intimacy and love and support that you really desire in your life or the fulfillment unless you lean into your wings. So on either side of the three is the two, which is the helper, and the four, which is the individualist. All three, the two, the three, and the four, are driven by significance and feelings. And because the three kind of shuts down the emotional part of it to crush a goal. And it's a way that they kind of spiritually bypass when they're not in a great place, they have a harder time leaning into the human emotion or having compassion or empathy for others, especially if they perceive those people as slowing down, you know, the goal. So if you're a three, what I usually recommend you doing is kind of checking in with the two wing first. Okay? Kind of like, okay, okay, three, we have this end goal, but there's a lot of people involved, people we love and people we lead and people we actually care about and want to bring the best out of. So when we lean into the two wing as a three, it's like, okay, how can I serve them in a way that builds their confidence so they don't slow down the process or give them something to. How can I communicate the end goal without making people feel like if they don't keep up, then they're pieces of shit? Right? Because that won't work for a team down the road and really leaning into the. What's in it for Them aspect of it. Because the three can get caught up in the what's in it for me and my end goal thing, the two wing will allow you, okay, what's in it for them in a healthy way, not in a over giving way, but because you need to tap into, you know, humans and emotions, it's going to be really, really important. Now, once the two wing has kind of helped you like assess, like, how can I, how can I start communicating things a little bit more effectively so that people feel included that I can lead anybody, not just people that are wired like me, right? And the three in you can really execute that. However, I want you to take another step before you just lean into your two wing. You have a four wing as well. This is where a lot of your creativity lies. This is where you get into the feels a little bit. But in this four, this individualist, this romantic part of you, when you lean into the four wing, asking yourself now, is this what I really, really want to do? Kind of running it through the filter of the four, like, if nobody cheered me on, nobody recognized my achievement, if I couldn't measure this in some way for success or vanity metrics or whatever that looks like, if I didn't get recognized for what I do, is it still really important to me? And your forewing can help with that process. Your forewing will help in creativity and storytelling. But the real key to using your four wing is asking that part of you. If nobody cheered for you and nobody acknowledged you and nobody recognized you and this wasn't measured and you didn't win doing this, would you still do it and would it still fire you up? And that's where the beauty of the four wing can really serve. A three. Now your growth number as a three, you guys move and this is a hard stretch for you. A three moves into the healthy version of the six, which is the skeptic loyalist, right? They are the master troubleshooters. The Sixes, like have spreadsheets for everything they have thought of. Worst case scenario, they can have a few different plans if anything should go sideways. And you would think a three would enjoy that. But in order to entertain all of that, you have to slow it down. Where a 3 would rather just power through and plow through and worry about if things don't go right at the end, not care as much. This does a lot of damage again to maybe their bank account, their ego, their health, their relationships. So really learning how to slow the roll a little bit and slowing down to speed up by leaning into this growth Six will really, really help things, because what happens to a three when they go in hot to a situation and eights have this hard time, too, is, you know, sometimes all hell breaks loose. And the energetic output that is required to clean up the mess or do damage control or to save face or whatever it is, the energetic output that that takes actually takes a lot longer. And so using that 2 and 4 wing to say, okay, we got people involved and that four, like, yeah, I do want to do this, even if nobody cheered me on or it wasn't recognized. And so when you use that 2 and 4 wing, the 3 has a. A more elegant way of leaning into the healthy six. And when they lean into the healthy six, they can see how maybe doing a little tactical troubleshooting will actually allow them to win better, win stronger. It'll be more sustainable. It will keep the people around them that are supporting them feeling safe and not, like, scared out of their mind, because the three can go in so fast and so hot, and the other eight types might be rattled by that. Also, for a three to lean into this six, it will allow you to build credibility and trust that you have the best interest of the entire team or family or marriage or whatever that is, that you have the best interest of everybody at heart, not just your heart. Really, really important. But again, it's going to be really challenging if you're just left to your three ways to get to the six. So using the wings, your power tools, the unsung heroes will be really, really important. Now, the three, when they're under extreme stress, when all this achieving and, like, crushing life isn't doing it for them and they feel like they're going to be exposed, this is usually when the three will go into their unhealthy nine. The peacemaker. And the thing that I tell most people that Love or Lead A3 is very, very rarely will you ever publicly see them in their unhealthy number, the unhealthy nine, this is usually done in private. And unless you live with them, you might never, ever be aware that this is happening. I see this a lot with, like, social breaks, social media breaks. Sometimes it is what they need. But sometimes, usually they have burnt themselves out that that unhealthy nine, where all of a sudden, instead of, like, the Energizer Bunny, they go from that to Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, and they're like a sloth and they're horizontal or they're under the covers with them pulled over their head or their belly up with ho Hos. But you won't see it because so much is about how they appear, what they do, what they achieve. That when they're in this unhealthy nine, almost never will anybody outside of their home or very, very close inner circle see it. And so it might be hard to support them when they're like. But if they all of a sudden are a little more mia, that's a good indicator that they're there. But you're going to have to be very, very delicate with how you approach them because if they think that, you know, you don't think they're amazing, they can get a little passive aggressive. And that's also in that unhealthier 9. They can be passive aggressive or stubborn. And so it's really important that you're delicate with it. You just tell them you love them. And even then, especially if they're in the, in that dark hole of their three, in that unhealthy nine, it might be hard to pull them out. Okay, last but not least, the subtypes, the instinctual reactions to life. And these are next to trauma, the number one reason why many of you are mistyped. This can change the appearance and the expression of your enneagram type. And this is where I usually see, and this is the part that no online assessments that are accessible to you. But the one I use is none of these things are taken into consideration in the online assessments. So the self preservation, there's self preservation, one on one and social subtypes. So the self preservation, when life happens you automatically think, oh my gosh, what's going to happen to me? The one on one is like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen? What's the deal with my close people? And the social is like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen to the collective? Right? And usually we toggle between two of them pretty easily. And one is kind of a blind spot for us, right? The goal is to be able to get to the healthiest version of ourself, to be able to use all three so we're more well rounded and conserve everyone and be our very best. The self preservation three is the counter type, which means this one doesn't look like a typical three. Okay? And this is probably the subtype that gets mistyped a lot. They dislike advertising their strengths and accomplishments overtly, which you know, if you know about the three, they like recognition. This self preservation three avoids being seen as image oriented. In spite of this, it still is important to them to be recognized for their hard work and excellence. The Self Preservation 3 is reliable, efficient and productive and aspires to do the right thing. Their pursuit of security and self sufficiency, though through hard work, might lead to workaholism. They're kind of the lone wolf three, all right. The one on one subtype of the three is charismatic and enthusiastic. This three focuses on their competitiveness, on supporting others. Seeing success in relational terms, they tend to believe if those around me achieve success, then I am successful. I see a lot of these in business, especially in the service part of business. This can lead them to mistype as a 2. Sometimes they tend to compete for the attention and affection of those closest to them and may suppress their own feelings to make themselves more attractive to others. And finally, the Social three. The Social three desires influence above all and tends to skillfully read and adjust to the social norms and requirements of teams and organizations. These are probably the ones that get the bad rap of being fake or more chameleon like right? They're highly competitive and they enjoy being in the spotlight and confidently market their ideas and accomplishments. They look good and being successful is very, very important to them and they may cut corners or cover up failure so long as the finished product makes them and their team look good. If you love or lead a three or you know a three that might need to hear this message, please share it with them. If you love or lead a three, this I hope opens your eyes that there is a tortured dark side to them. Not to judge them, but to maybe have a little more compassion for them. Right? And if you are a three, just know that I see you and I'm here to help you. I love working one on one with threes privately because I can go the distance with you. But if you're not sure where you land on all this, go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section. You can see all the options of diving a little deeper together so that you can become the ultimate leader in your life. And if you love this episode, please share it. You can tag me on Instagram tracyomalley and until next time.

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