EP182: Anatomy of Your Enneagram Type: The Enneagram FOUR—Using Intuitive, Romantic Emotional Capacity to Shine Your Gifts onto the World

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Well, hello. And we are continuing this series, the anatomy of your Enneagram type. And I am appreciating all the feedback and the aha's not just from those of you that are listening to your type, because We've only covered 1, 2 and 3 so far, but how much you're learning about the people that you love and lead through this series. And today, we round out the heart center of intelligence, the feeling center of intelligence, with the enneagram 4, sometimes called the individualist, the romantic, or the intense creative. And I have a lot of experience with the four. And I grew up with one. I grew up with a pretty unhealthy one. And I'm in a relationship with an Enneagram 4. And I would say next to the Enneagram 8, they are the most misunderstood of all. You know, I work with a lot of high level business coaches and mastermind facilitators and we do a lot of Enneagram stuff on the front end of it. And whenever there's a four in the group, usually the coach, the facilitator, they don't necessarily know how to deal with them. And part of the four really likes that because they're always kind of finding their way and you know, they struggle with certain things, like they're always thinking something's missing. So this reinvention of themselves kind of happens. But if you're leading one or loving one, this can be challenging, especially if you don't know what the heck is going on. So the Enneagram Fours have the motivational need to express their uniqueness and be authentic. They are driven by significance, like the three and the two in this center of intelligence, however, their significance comes from within. Where the twos find it externally, the threes find it in what they do or achieve. The fours look for it internally. So fours value individualism and as a result, feelings, self expression, and purpose is really, really important to the Enneagram 4. They are quite romantic at heart. They really, really are. And appreciate beauty and creating meaning for themselves and for others. They definitely have a style, and it's ever changing. Sometimes they are the most intuitive on the Enneagram. They feel things really, really fully. A lot of times they'll internalize it and make it about themselves. They can be self absorbed when they're not super healthy. And this is probably where they get the label as dramatic, too much selfish from time to time. But they really, really aren't. They care so deeply. At their best, Enneagram fours are experienced as sensitive, yet content. They offer the gift of equanimity and authenticity to themselves and the world. They are the greatest storytellers. They are musicians. They are songwriters and manuscript writers. They are comedians. They seriously make us feel at a capacity that most of us are afraid of. And I gotta say, you know, being in a relationship with a four. And I'm gonna go into the subtypes of the four, too, because this is. The fours are often mistyped because of this reinvention of themselves all the time. A lot of times when somebody's typed by me a four, they're like, really? And I kind of explain where that goes. I think why they're the least typed on the typical Enneagram is because in all the online assessments, it doesn't take a lot of this into consideration. And because the four can be so dynamic in their feelings, you know, any given day, the online assessment can change. And that's why I tell you guys all the time, all those online assessments, it's a great starting point, but they are an accurate 65 to 70% of the time. And women are more mistyped than men, I think, because we can compartmentalize a little bit better. But the four has an emotional capacity that is their superpower. They don't get rattled by intense things. That's probably why fours and eights, when they understand each other, are really great. And when they don't, pretty explosive. But they're why people feel safe talking to them about the deep things. Because they don't get rattled by it. In fact, that speaks their language, so to speak. It's like when I crave intensity. The fours crave dynamics of emotions. They. That is their thing, right? When a 4 is less healthy, they feel misunderstood. Their underlying emotion is envy. They always feel like something's missing in me. The grass is greener. Somebody has something that I don't. Others can experience them as melancholy and temperamental. If you struggle with depression, I don't want you to assume you're a four. But fours have a tendency to go down the darker hole. Their response to life is to withdraw. Even though they can be dramatic and expressive, when it gets really, really dark, they withdraw. This pattern of that stems from the Four's acute awareness of their own wounds and flaws as well as everybody else's. So the gifts of the Enneagram 4, when they are coming from love, compassion, empathy, service, and GR is their level of self awareness, purpose, driven, inspired, very sensitive, courageous. They're aware of their own emotions and others, and they seek to understand. It's why they're great storytellers and things like that. It's why they can hold space for other people, and it's why they can connect deeper than most types on the Enneagram. It's probably why, even though they drive me absolutely crazy in the most beautiful way, it's also why I really do understand fours, probably better than most. Because they're constantly looking for their authentic self and meaning and purpose in everything they do contribute to the world and to their communities and to their families in a beautiful way. Like I said, their creative and imaginative capacity enables them to give unique expression to what matters. Fours can recognize what's missing and will dive into the heart of all matters. And so when you are in the presence of a four, especially when they're in a good spot, you feel very loved by them. They love very, very deeply. And fours don't shy away from suffering. So all those things I just said as their gifts can also be their kryptonite. When they're in a place of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, or robust ego. All those self awareness, all these things could be the thing that holds them back, because that's when they can go into the dark hole, right? So fours are very connected to feelings, both their own and the emotional undercurrents in their environment. And they're generally very aware of other people's feelings, sometimes more so than others are themselves. I hear this a lot from the four in my life. He's like, I feel you. I'm like, I know you do, you know, and that's good. And also drives me crazy, right? Because when I want to hide, like that's not easy to do. With a 4, the Enneagram 4 tends to dwell and hold onto their emotions intensely. And this is when others might find them moody, deep, intense. And fours believe in exploring the full spectrum from joy to deep sadness. And they may shift between These emotions, as their world and experiences change, they resonate powerfully with emotions like loss, sadness, longing, and that can lead to cycles of melancholy. And they take life very seriously. And they can benefit from accessing the light heartedness of their development line into their growth number, which is the seven. And I'll get into that. So here's the deal with fours, right? They enjoy diving deep into their life and love and they can share profound experiences with others. And if you are dealing with a thinking type, a five, six or seven, sometimes they're like, okay, that's a bit much, right? Because they're all in their feelings, the thinking triad and the thinking center of intelligence is like, okay, like can you give me the baby? I don't need the whole labor, right? I actually just misspoke about the seven. The seven is not the growth number of the four. Little, little side note I'll go into. Actually the reason that I brought up the seven is because more often than not the seven is mistyped and they're actually a four. They're both avoidant in some ways. The sevens really do avoid pain. And when a 4 isn't in a good spot, they can look like they're avoiding pain because they'll, they'll kind of be in the, the other feelings of the thing, the blind spots for an enneagram. Four Fours want to have meaningful and deep relationships, but will often act in a way that reflect their need to be different, special and separate. And sometimes this leads both pulling people close and pushing them away. It's like this push, pull, codependent dance, especially if the 4 is feeling rejected or disappointed. And this might lead people to withdraw from them. And this is something I've had to be fully aware of in being in a relationship with four, because you know, an eight is always fearing betrayal or violation. And so when they withdraw, it feels like it's recreating abandonment all over again. Which ironically is one of the biggest fears of the four is abandonment. Fours may also focus on what is missing. Like because they think something's missing, they kind of miss the miracles right in front of them. And sometimes they'll reject what they do have. And then this perpetuates that feeling of loss and emotional sensitivity. Fours also may not be aware to the extent in which they self reference in conversations, even though the four definitely desires to draw people close. But by doing this self reference thing, other others may experience them as self absorbed. And you can kind of tell when they're not in a great place. This happens more frequently. And this is where compassion for them can kick in. This is where their blinders go on. And this beautiful space holder of feelings and emotions all of a sudden is all about me, right? The Enneagram 4 is likely to be triggered if people don't fully complete a conversation or don't give them the time they're requesting. The four often feels the need to continue with conversations even when others are no longer interested in believing that share their preference for discussing emotions and feelings and seeking emotional closures. Fours can kind of dwell on this a lot. And like I said, especially with the thinking center of intelligence, this could lead others to experiencing. The four is overly dramatic and intense and kind of like, all right, I'm out. So the beautiful part about being a four is this beautiful creativity. And although that's wonderful and the word, you make the world beautiful and expressive, we know that creatives, comedians, artists, they aren't the best executors all the time, right? And if they get into their feels, this can hold them back and slow the process down, and then it perpetuates that shame cycle. Right? I read the book, Jessica Simpson's book, I can't remember the name of it. And she spoke about being in a relationship with John Mayer, who I believe is absolutely an enneagram for, and how he would keep this cycle of the push pull, the breakup. The and in the breakup is when some of his when the dramatics were happening. That's when his best music came. And so sometimes a 4 will do this dramatic sabotage and create wreckage in their life in order to inspire creativity. Although it does get some things to happen, it really leaves a trail in their path, and that's not good. And they lose credibility and trust, all of it. So what I'll usually telephor is, all right, get in your feelings. This is where your inspired stuff happens, Whether it's, you know, and I don't necessarily mean creativity like artistry or music or comedy. This could be in business as well, and storytelling and copywriting and all of that. But getting in the feelings too much can kind of get them in the rabbit hole. And so having a five wing as a four, you have a three and a five wing. If you're a four, like, yes, you have the feelings, you have the inspired kind of things, but then you need some facts and some like that investigator, thinking, energy. It's like, okay, what do I need to do in order to bring this gift, this creativity to life? Right? What resources do I need? What information do I need? The five has the greatest capacity on all the enneagram to detach emotionally, which ironically, when you've got a five wing and the four, which is the most emotional, like, that's when this can be a really powerful. And I've told you guys before, the wings are the unsung heroes of your enneagram type. It's why this anatomy and framework is so important. It's why, you know, if you're just learning about your type, you're missing the entire boat. Because left to your own types, ways you will never lean into the growth pattern. You need the supporting cast. And so when the four kind of gets into this creative place, then in order to execute, it needs some facts, it needs some resources, it needs, you know, some emotion, emotional detachment to really kind of get the bearings and the footing and lay the foundation. So once you have the facts, that doesn't necessarily mean that the four will take action. And so the beauty of being a four is on the other side of you is the competitive achiever. And, you know, I've said, like, usually people will lean into one wing or the other. The goal is to be able to toggle between the two and most effectively, because if you're a four and just go to the three wing, although you'll get shit done sometimes because the three just powers through and doesn't think of everything. If the 4 is just kind of going from inspiration, creativity, to boom, action without kind of having some strategy from that five wing that can perpetuate shame and feelings of failure if. If shit goes sideways, which, you know, when we don't kind of have some strategy and some. Some things in can happen. So the goal is to be able to use both wings beautifully and toggle between and know when to use each of the wing superpowers. So the four can kind of check in with the five. What do I need? What are the resources? What are the facts? And then if we need to like, lfg, let's frigging go, then we can lean into that three wing. It's like, okay, what's the finish line? What's the end goal? All right, let's roll. And that's the beautiful part about being a four. When you lean into your wings. Now, the thing with being a four is a lot of times they just want to be so uni that they won't lean in to the wings. And what happens then is they will start seeking significance outside themselves because it can get too much. When their dramatics don't work and their self absorption doesn't work anymore, they go to the Unhealthy too. So then they start over giving. And so then they start seeking significance outside themselves through other people. And this is where they start recreating abandonment, right? Their codependency kicks and their need to feel validated and significant lands on other people's shoulders. And then when they aren't acknowledged or appreciated or it's not reciprocated or, you know, somebody isn't in this with them, that's when the resentment kicks in. And the dramatics of the four actually can be very explosive. That's so funny. The guy that I'm dating, I've told him, God, if we met 10 years ago, we'd probably be in jail, you know, because it'd be very passionate and hot, but it would also like be very, very explosive. So being mindful of when that four gets out of their own kind of beautiful self and starts kind of having this unhealthy codependency in being or serving other people, that's kind of your warning lights for the four to say, okay, okay, where do I feel like I'm all over the place? Why do I not feel like I can figure out who the hell I am today? What do I need right now? It's really important to use your stress number not as a shame stick, but as your warning light system. Like, okay, I feel like maybe I'm going to be abandoned here, right? Because the Four's biggest fear is abandonment. And so what I'll usually tell Four is in order to grow, their growth number is the, the healthy one, the reformer, the improver. And it's so funny because this Four's need to be authentic in their unique self to all of a sudden like go to that high standards, more rigid, structured black and white thinking of the enneagram one. Left to the Four's own ways, they'll never do it and they resist it and they'll be a little rebellious with it. Whenever I work with fours, they have a rebellion to rules and structure and systems. And.

Even having two or three little things that are non negotiable, like what they put in their body as far as food movement, to move that energy through their body will be really, really important when they can kind of have some non negotiables in their life like that, and that will push them towards that healthy one that actually builds their confidence and their ability to bring their creativity to life. And so when I explain that to them, I tell them, I promise you, like having a few very unique structures in your life will actually allow you to bring all your gifts of emotional capacity, your creative gifts to life. And kind of once they know that, it doesn't mean that they will lose their uniqueness or their authenticity. When they lean into that strong, healthy, high standard, high integrity, structured one. That's actually when their gifts come to life. It's a beautiful thing. So you can see, you know, using the wings will be key to, you know, wrangle that 4ness in in order to move into that healthy one. So the four is like, no, no, no, no, I want to be unique. The five's like, no, this is what we need to do today, right? Boom, boom, boom. And then the 3 Wing can say, no, we're going to do it this way. The end goal is some structure. And even though the four will always resist it, it's right, right there waiting for them. So I wanted to talk about the subtypes again. Next to trauma, I believe this is the number one reason why most of you are mistyped. It's our instinctual drive, our instinctual responses for our human experience. And all three reside in us as necessary body based forces. And these are separate from our and these are what's behind our strategies. Often unconscious, yet super powerfully directing our fundamental way of being. And while these instincts are always there, one of the three becomes dominant, is more easily accessed and therefore more easily used than the others. And this can change the expression of your core type completely. So we have self preservation, we have the one on one and we have the social four. And I like to explain it as like the self preservation. When life happens, their instinctual response is oh my gosh, what's going to happen to me? Right? They focus on physical safety, well being, material security, comfort. The one on one. When life happens, the immediate response is we have this drive to protect ourselves into the environment, form alliances and what's going to happen to our inner circle, right? And then the social is like, okay, what's going to happen to all the people? Okay, so one of the types or one of the subtypes within each enneagram type is called a counter type. It's, it's kind of like one of these, these things do not look like the other. And I would say the self preservation for is that. And this is usually the one that is mistyped as a seven. Almost, almost always I see the self preservation for mistyped as seven because they're not the outwardly stereotypical dramatic, maybe super expressive, maybe super dynamic with their appearance. They're very put together actually the self preservation four. While some fours are more Dramatic and emotional. This counter type, the Self Preservation 4, has learned to live with pain, suffering very stoically. And they internalize these negative emotions and wants to be recognized for being tough and not complaining. It's where they can kind of become the martyr. Even though they are quite sensitive, they may be disconnected from their feelings from time to time and prefer not to share their pain with others. They are super empathetic and look out for and try to support others who suffer. I have a client, I've done a an interview with her before. She was mistyped as a 7. Probably the biggest gap on every Enneagram test I've ever seen. Where, I mean, you would think because there was such a gap, her seven was top and then it was like nine points down was her next type. And the four wasn't until like the third spot on her assessment. The guy that I'm dating, he mistyped as a seven as well. And they're both self preservation fours. It goes to the motive, right? So the 1 on 1 4, this 4 subtype, is intense and vocal about their needs and feelings and are often described as more shameless than shameful. They often mistype as a three or an eight. They tend to be demanding and competitive. They escape suffering by being the best in what they do. You can see why, you know, usually this is a four with a three wing. That's like a strong three wing. They demand that others appreciate their needs. And this might lead to a cycle of rejection, frustration, anger. The one on one four's ability to express these feelings of demand and anger may mask how sad or confused they really feel. A lot of times this one on one four, this is when they're in their unhealthy two, that stress number of two, which can mimic what an unhealthy eight looks like. So you can see why this anatomy and understanding it is so important. Important and understanding the framework, not just your core type, is so key to unlocking the gifts and the power of the Enneagram. And the last subtype for the four is the social one. And this emotionally sensitive four is deeply connected to their suffering. They find comfort in suffering and express it to others, often attracting support and admiration from others. They are not competitive, but have a deep desire to be understood for who they really are. They often doubt themselves and focus on what they see as inferiority. And they make comparisons to others and blame themselves, triggering very strong feelings of envy and shame. This one probably meets all the criteria. Of all the memes that you see out there, I hate the memes. Of the fours. I would say that all the information from all the great teachers of information out there really don't get any into the depths of the four enough. And I think that really feeds into why they're so misunderstood. I have so much compassion for the fours, even though I was raised with one. My sister is a four, and it's a lot. It is a lot. But the ability to really see what's happening for them is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. And I know that being in a relationship with one really allows me to lean into my emotions rather than put up the walls that I tend to put up as an eight. It's really, really awesome. If you are leading or loving a four, this is probably one of the most important episodes you can listen to. It's very hard when they are in a dark place to pull them out. And especially if you say things like they're dramatic or you withdraw from them because it's just too much energy. It keeps the cycle going. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, not even a little bit. It can be challenging. But I promise you, if you kind of stay in this with them and allow them to communicate and let them know that you're not going anywhere, their beauty, their gifts for your life will shine. And I know, like, knowing this information, I absolutely would have completely tapped out of this relationship a long time ago because it is intense emotionally for me, and that feels very vulnerable. But I also. Being in a relationship and working with so many fours allows my emotional capacity to grow, which allows me to be a better mother, a better business leader, a better coach, a better everything. Because the world, honestly, most people do things based on their emotions. And when you have a four that is empowered by that instead of kind of in the dark hole of it, there's nobody, nobody better. So I would love to hear from all my fours out there. They're the least typed on the enneagram. Most are in their own little bubble and probably aren't even listening. But, you know, I've really helped many unlock the four in them. When they get typed as a four, there's almost like this. Ugh. But once you really lean into it and embrace the beauty and the gifts of who you are, and that goes for all the types, but especially the fours. Seriously, you are a gift to all of us. And if you love or lead one, I would love to hear about that too. Please share this episode with a 4 or somebody that you know is dealing with a 4 and doesn't know exactly what to do. Again, this is just information. If you need integration help, which is my sweet spot, honestly, there's nobody out there like me showing you how to integrate this in your life. There's great information out there, but information does not equal transformation and this is hands down the most powerful, effective personal development growth tool that I have ever used in my 22 years of personal development and knowing how to integrate it for yourself, for your home life, for your career life. That is when you can use the beauty of this gift. So please share this episode with somebody you lead, somebody you love. And if you really are getting value from this podcast, it would mean the world to me if you kind of went over to itunes and left a review. That's how more people will get exposed to my style of integrating the Enneagram to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. Until next time, stay tuned. Next week we will bring you the anatomy of the Enneagram 5.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.