EP191: The Anatomy of Your Enneagram Type: The Enneagram EIGHT—Using Your Vulnerability to Be the Strongest Leader in Your Life

Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula Podcast. And we are continuing this series that you guys are loving. And I understand why because it is more than just knowing your Enneagram type or the Enneagram type of those that you love and lead. It's really understanding how to use the framework most effectively to to do the things that you want and to have the messaging that's in your heart land where you want it. And if you have been floundering in this Enneagram land or you've heard about it, or this is intriguing you or you know, somebody you know has been saying, oh my gosh, do you know about the Enneagram? It is way more than a beautiful party game. It has single handedly been the most effective tool I have gained for my toolbox in over 22 years of my own personal development. It has helped me change my life personally and professionally. As a mom, as a business owner, as a friend, as a partner in life. It's helped me to navigate success and failures and make millions of dollars along the way. It is way more than a party game and if this is something you want to explore even deeper. More than just the cool information teachers on the gram out there, there's amazing information out there. But information doesn't equal transformation. The integration of and if that is something you want to learn more about, I am the master integrator using the Enneagram hands down. Happy to say it will go toe to toe with anybody on how to actually integrate this in your personal and professional life. Go to Tracy O' Malley.com and the work with me section. You can do a Kickstart session which is where we nail down your Enneagram type. I teach you the anatomy of your type. I give you some gold nuggets to walk away with or if you know you want to go deeper, just click that little Enneagram experience button there. And not only will we nail down your type, but you will have five full sessions where I will take you through integrating this in all areas of your life. It's powerful. You know, it's kind of like going to Home Depot. If you go to the Home Depot, which I love, and buy all the tools because they're cool and, you know, they do really cool shit. But if you don't know how to use them, or if there's nobody to guide you on how to use them, or you don't build the confidence in using those tools, what you have is a really expensive, beautiful garage with very expensive tools. I want you to be able to use the most powerful tool I've ever put in my belt, called the Enneagram. So today we're continuing the series with the Enneagram 8, which, if you've been following along, you know, that is what yours truly is. I can talk about the 8 all day. It was in understanding the enneagram 8 that allowed me to have compassion, which is funny because they're called the Active Controller, the Challenger. It doesn't sound like a lot of compassion comes from those descriptives, but it was in understanding why I was an Active Controller, why I was such a damn challenger all the time, that I actually was able to unlock compassion. The biggest fear of the enneagram8 is that they will be betrayed, violated, or put in a vulnerable situation. So compassion definitely in my past meant that that was, you know, if I was compassionate, that meant I was putting my walls down. If I put my walls down, bad shit can happen. Enneagram Eights have the motivational need to be strong and avoid showing vulnerability. They value having a sense of control and being direct and impactful. I like to say that Enneagram Eights don't necessarily need to be in control, but they will not, under any circumstances, be controlled by anything, anyone or any circumstance. And unfortunately, and I can speak very transparently and authentically to this, the very thing we want is connection and support. But because of this fear, if we don't know how to operate within the anatomy of our Eightness, we end up robbing ourselves and blocking the very thing that we want, which is love, support, and a place to be vulnerable and to gain some of that innocence back. You know, the Eights, especially Eight women, are the most misunderstood type on the Enneagram, for sure. And the subtypes of the Eight, you've heard me talk about this in previous episodes. The Eight is also the most mistyped on the Enneagram because so often people just focus on behaviors. And even when you're taking those online assessments, you answer based on your behaviors and not the motives behind it or the instinct behind it. And this is why, if I see this a lot, a lot of people are mistyped as eights and they really, really aren't. They can look very 8 like, but the motive behind it is not. And the subtypes have a lot to do with why people are mistyped, that instinctual response to life. And I'll kind of go into how that looks. So eights love challenges and will embody a need for justice which enables them to protect others. It also, like eights like to let everybody know how strong they are. And we compartmentalize and categorize everything, everything, everything and everyone as whether it's strong or weak. That's kind of our measuring stick where like The Achiever, the Enneagram 3Am I winning or not? Right? Or the Enneagram 1Am I good or am I bad? Right. There's not a lot of gray areas, especially with that 831 dynamic, which usually, especially women, I always see the 831 come up as the top. If you at all are in that category, see that happen a lot. But this is an 8. Showing the flex of how strong they are allows them to have autonomy, independence and control over their own life. Like I said, they don't need to control everyone, but they want to know that they are in control.

Healthy eights are experienced by others as strong, deeply caring and approachable, which absolutely, that would probably be some of the characteristics in which I am described today. Not so much when I wasn't my most healthy, that's for sure. That is also why enneagram eights are the most impactful leaders in the world. You know, there's this sense of strength and justice and they aren't afraid of challenges or confrontation. So when they're in a healthy spot and the come from is from the most genuine, heart led, secure, confident, loving place, that's why having an 8 in your corner is pretty damn powerful. Now, that being said, you know, we offer the gift of innocence to ourselves and the world around us when we align with the flow of reality. A lot of enneagram eights, it is their natural wiring. Plus, you know, this gets expressed even bigger when an enneagram 8 grows up in a circumstance where they had to be an adult, which if you've been listening to my story at all, you can see where that really played out. And it gets expressed even more big right and we so want that innocence back. And you know, at a few months away from 50 years old, I'm really craving getting back to the innocence. And it's why like leaning into my seven wing has become fun and, you know, all the things. All the things, right? So here's the other side of the eight, though. When they're not so healthy, other people will experience AIDS as domineering, aggressive and lustful. And by lustful I mean it's not a sexual thing. It means that we crave intensity a lot. And if things get too quiet, it makes us more alert that maybe there's a vulnerability we're not seeing. And so sometimes we'll pick fights, sometimes we'll stir the pot, sometimes we'll blow some shit up. So at least that way we have control over it. It makes us feel alive. And this stems from the eight strategy to express themselves as larger than life in a threatening world. And it also allows us to really let you know, don't fuck with us. Right? So the gifts of the Enneagram 8 include they're assertive, decisive, protective, independent and influential. And these become gifts when we are coming from a place of love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. Right? You can see where that assertiveness makes people feel like confident in their presence. You don't have to guess what they're thinking. That decisiveness allows people to know we're quick to respond and we're willing to make hard decisions. It's where the instincts come in and things can move forward under the toughness, that protectiveness, we are big hearted and take people under our wing and we will go to the ends of the earth for the people we care about. That independence. Super self sufficient. You don't have to micromanage an 8. In fact, if you try, you're going to feel the wrath. That influential, we can take charge and we can influence the bigger picture. Now, the other side of this, when they're not in a healthy place, when this is coming from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and especially ego. The enneagram 8 has a pretty robust ego, as my therapist has continuously told me. You can see where all this assertive decisiveness, protectiveness, independence and influence can really be a wrecking ball in their lives. All right, you've heard me say that having the right tool for the job makes things a hell of a lot easier, way more effective, a lot less frustrating and won't energetically bankrupt you. That being said, the energy of the Enneagram 8 is the most powerful on the Enneagram you feel an enneagram8 before you even see them. You're like, holy crap, what just showed up? I hear that. I've heard that my whole life. And back when I wasn't so healthy, I used to use that as a manipulative tool. I knew that I could control things even if people weren't aware of allowed me to control situations. Now, today, like, knowing that I say this a lot to Enneagram Eights, with great reward comes great responsibility. And knowing that energy is larger than life and has a lot of power, if you don't use that in integrity or have an awareness of other people aren't maybe wired like that, you aren't taking this gift seriously. You aren't being responsible with it. And so having the right tool for the job in all the Eightness will be really, really important. And this is where the superpowers, the superheroes of the Enneagram and the anatomy of your type come into play. And this is the wings, the unsung heroes of the Enneagram. And especially for an enneagram 8. Because if I'm being honest, my eightness is very rarely the tool I need to lead with. It's always there. I'm always motivated by my Eightness. I will always kind of show up in that energy. But there's a way that I can show up in it that doesn't scare people off or make me unapproachable or leave destruction in my path. And the wings are what have helped me do that. That being said, we also all have a growth number. And the growth number where is like the holy grail of our evolvement. In our core type is a different type from ours. And that, for an Enneagram 8, is the Enneagram 2. You know, remember when I said, like, we crave, like, compassion and empathy, but we're also equally afraid of that because that's where we can be put in a vulnerable situation. Well, the Enneagram 2, which is the growth number of the eight, is the most compassion, compassionate, empathetic relationship, strong connection, strong type on the Enneagram. So you can see if an 8 is left to their own 8 ways, that shit ain't happening. There is no way, no matter how much work I do, no matter how hard I try, if it's just left up to the Eightness in me, I will never, ever, ever get to the healthy two, right? Because I'm always like, alert, alert, alert. Somebody's going to betray you. You will be violated. And this is where our number comes in, too. And I'll explain that in a second. So in order for me to get to that growth healthy two, I'm going to need the help of my seven wing and the nine wing. So our wings are on either side of our core type, right? And I. I use this as an example a lot. And regardless of what you think, politically, this will make a lot of sense to you. So Mother Teresa, the original Mama t, is an Enneagram 8. Most people believe she's an Enneagram 2, but she really is an 8. That is just landing in her growth number of the two a lot. How do I know this? Mama T, the original, is the most fierce justice seeker. She is motivated by that whole picture, right? But she just happens to reside in that healthy two a lot. Trust me, she cares deeply. She cares deeply, but she will never, ever, ever step away from a challenge. She will call it out. She's not afraid. She's not afraid of confrontation. Her worth is not tied in what she does for other people. She does it for the need for justice, autonomy, independence, and service, right? In that way, Donald Trump, DT is also an enneagram 8. He does not reside in his 2 very much. Regardless what we think politically, we're just talking about the framework of the Enneagram, y'. All, he pretty lives in his 824 7, right? And regardless of what you think, he probably would have been reelected had he been able to tap into these other parts of himself so that the message that he was portraying could be heard. But because of his eightness and his aggressiveness and his robust ego, people couldn't hear the true message in his heart and maybe the vulnerable parts of him, right? Like, that's a perfect example of somebody that is protecting at all costs this vulnerable part. And I was just like him, right? I seriously, I was just like him. And he is an asshole. No question about it. But you never have to guess what he's thinking. And I pretty much was the biggest asshole I knew, and you never had to guess what I was thinking. And so in order for me to get to that Mother Teresa, healthy, beautiful, loving two, I need the help of my seven and nine and wing. So when my eight wants to take over, I have to slow my roll a bit and lean into that healthy seven. Okay, what's the bigger vision here? Because the seven is the enthusiast, the visionary, right? The enthusiastic visionary. Like, what's the bigger picture? A seven is a very much a forward thinker where that eight is all in instinct, although that's powerful and beautiful. We don't always think things through. And that's why we can kind of be like a bowl in a china shop. So really kind of pausing enough and slowing the roll to lean into. What's the bigger vision here? How can we find some lightness in this? The seven with their, you know, optimism instead of they. They never look at things like betrayal, right? Eights do. But leaning into the beautiful gifts of the seven, like optimism, the benefit of the doubt for people will allow us to slow our role and tame our bite a little bit. Now, that being said, an eight just left to their eightness will still, like, be aggressive. And so this is when the nine wing can also be helpful. It's like we've slowed our roll enough to, like, see the bigger vision. We. We can be a little optimistic, but left to the eighth way, it's going to take over and just protect at all costs. And this is where the nine most people see me in the healthy nine. My delivery of my messaging, my presence in a room feels very nine, like it is the peacemaker. And there's a big difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking. Jesus, I believe, was an enneagram9, right? And again, I can care deeply, but I will also challenge directly. The difference is when I use my nine wing, the way that it gets expressed doesn't feel as threatening, intense to some people because most of the people I deal with are more feelers and more thinkers. They aren't wired like me. And so if I just try to communicate in the way that works for me, I'm leaving a lot of people out. I'm making people feel bad. It's one of those things. So I have to use my wings all the time. Otherwise this girl blows some shit up. And I'm not perfect and neither are you. But understanding kind of the framework of this will allow me to really lean into that healthy two where I am all about love, compassion, and connection. And it is what I crave in my life. And when I'm there, nothing feels better. So although, like, I still can put walls up at a moment's notice and I can do it subconsciously without even trying, knowing this FR work allows me to pull out of that a lot faster and for people to not only know my heart, but to feel it and see it and hear it. Now, that being said, when an 8 is pushed to the brink and they feel like vulnerabilities are being exposed, instead of always being so aggressive and domineering, we go to a place in our stress number that I like to call the five Cave an Enneagram eight under extreme stress and extreme vulnerability. And for me, specifically, matters of the heart, I will energetically, completely disconnect. And I could be standing right in front of you. Eights can be standing right in front of you and energetically, completely cut you off. And you won't even know what hit you. It will feel like something just came into a room and wiped it out. It will feel like a gap the size of the Grand Canyon between you and them, and you won't even understand what's happening. This is a way that an enneagram 8 can put up walls. So. Right. And this is also where, you know, the five is called the investigator. They're the most introverted on the Enneagram. This is a sneaky, sneaky place for an enneagram 8 and for those that love and lead them. And I've had to be very, very aware of how this can make other people feel, the people that I love. You know, my best friend is a six, and if I energetically disconnect, that makes her feel very unsafe. I am also raising an Enneagram, too, who can feel things. And if I don't explain my 5 cave and why that's happening, both of them have expressed that that can feel very neglecting and abandoning. And because I care, I see where that could happen. Right. And I'm in a relationship with an enneagram 4 who is the most intuitive on the Enneagram. So he can definitely feel when I'm going to the five cave. And one of two things happens here. Either we're just shut down and we're numbed out, horizontal, watching Netflix, or we are building a case, a very, very strong one. And knowing that an 8 building a case could be very dangerous for them and other people is something that I've had to be very, very aware of. I can build any kind of case in my head against you to protect myself. I can build a story so strong in my head that will make sure that no matter how hard you try, there will be a wall so high up that you could never get around. It's why we do feel so aggressive and intense sometimes. Right. And I also build a case against myself sometimes, especially when I'm about to do something really scary in business, which I am more to come on that, you know, it's not just my personal life, which is a huge deal for me when I feel vulnerable. I've really worked hard on that, especially with my inner circle. But even professionally, when I'm about to do something very vulnerable, for me and put myself out there. I will start to build a case on myself about why, who the fuck am I to be doing any of this. And I will look for evidence that proves, like, see what happens when you do that? See what happens when you do that? And so if you have an eight in your life that you love or lead that suddenly gets very, very, very quiet, Tread lightly, be gentle. Know that they are in that cave. And depending on the level of health in them, having a little compassion and gentleness, even saying something like, listen, I know you've got this. Whatever's going on for you, I know you've got this. But I want you to know that I'm here for whatever you should ever need. No pressure, but I know you've got it. Because an 8 needs to know that you know how strong we are. Right? I know you don't need my help, and I know that there's nothing you can't handle, But I just wanted you to know you're loved and supported. If you should ever want some backup or a sidekick or just, you know, a partner in crime, it will go a long way. Will they ever take you up on it? Maybe, maybe not. All right. You know, some of the blind spots 4 and 8 that they need to be aware of is understanding that their energy may be stronger than they realize. So not just when they show up in it, but when they pull back. And understanding that like, that void can feel really harsh to people because we make decisions so quickly and decisively. You know, having a six in life who needs certainty, I could have really disrupted her sense of safety if I just power through. So slowing down to kind of explain my decisiveness will be really important with those that I love and lead. Even though eights might be working hard to keep their vulnerability from others, they may show it more than they realize, especially in moments of reflection or when anticipating future challenges. I am sitting in in the middle of that right now, and it feels so uncomfortable. And I'm here for it. A lot of times, enneagram eights can really low key be judging people. When we see people that are unable to assert themselves or take control, sometimes we'll judge and sometimes we'll just take over and take charge of situations. That's why an 8 can be kind of hard to lead. Like I said, they don't need to be in control of everything. But if they feel like the person in charge is. Doesn't have shit handled, that's where we take over. Because a, we've assessed that someone is weak and this may lead to us being put in a vulnerable situation. But this also can feel very disregarding to what others are saying or offering. Being a woman doing this, it can be very emasculating to men. Not, not a good thing. Eights don't react well to dishonesty at all or being blamed by others. Eights don't conform to rules and they hate any attempt attempts at being controlled. So yeah, just a little warning. Now this is where the subtypes come into play, right? The instincts. And this next to trauma. The subtypes are the number one reason why many of you are mistyped, especially the eights. You know, the instinctual drives are essential for the human experience. We use all of them. They're separate from personality and are behind like your life strategies, often like unconscious, subconscious, yet super powerfully directing your fundamental way of being. And while they're always there, one of these three becomes dominant and is more easily accessed and therefore more easily used than the others. Usually one of the three subtypes or instincts is a blind spot. So we have self preservation, one on one and social. That self preservation, that instinct focuses, focuses on physical safety, well being, material security and comfort. The one on one instinct focuses on the intensity of experiences and one on one relationships. That's where this girl falls into. And then the social focuses energy on working towards shared purpose for the greater good. Now how this comes to play for the Enneagram 8 is very unique. The Self Preservation 8 is strong, direct and productive and appears powerful and effective. The Self Preservation 8 is confident in even the most challenging situations. They are survivors. They are pillars of strength for many as they take the role of guardian or father or mother figure when their needs are not satisfied. That self preservation 8 becomes frustrated and intolerant and tend to take a direct, no nonsense approach to get what they want without guilt or apology. This is when, when their judgment flag starts waving. They call people stupid. They get very aggressive because their safety is being, you know, that self preservation. They, they're worried about their safety and security. Okay, the one on one, which is what I am, this subtype is the most rebellious eight on the Enneagram. And especially one on one eight women even more rebellious and misunderstood. This one on one eight provocatively breaks rules, stands out as a rebel. They want to be iconic or a trailblazer. The one on one eight's impulsiveness and desire for intensity may seem like a four, an Enneagram four. So you can imagine me being in a relationship with an enneagram 4. This can prove to be very passionate and interesting to say the least. But this is rooted in an unapologetic drive to create change, willing to provoke and disrupt others to accumulate power and influence. And when I was in a male dominated industry, holy this was on fire. That one on one eight has a desire to serve a worthy cause but prefer to do so from a central or leadership position. That is me to the T. So the Social eight, this is probably more like Mother Teresa or dt. They probably fall into this instinctual subtype, right? And this is the one that kind of looks 8ish, but not so much. The social 8 counter type uses their power and influence in the service of others, making them appear 2ish. You know what, Donald Trump is probably at more of a self preservation or a one on one eight. This is Mother Teresa, the social one. So that's why she can look very two in her drive to support others rather than asserting her own needs. The Social 8 is sensitive to injustice and unfair social norms. They are loyal and protective and shield their people from harm, unjust authority or abuse of power. Even though they prefer not to be too vulnerable. They invite and appreciate tough feedback from close allies. So you can see you can have two eights right next to each other and they can look very very different. A lot of it has to do with the level of health they are at, but the subtypes is really where all this is at and it is why so many of you of you are being mistyped on any of the online assessments on the Enneagram. That being said, the number one way to really nail down your type is to spend 90 minutes with me. Book a session. You will never feel so seen, heard, understood, loved, supported, cared about probably in your life. Usually people will say like wow, I feel like you've known me my whole life, even when I was a little kid and you can go to traceyomally.com the work with with Me section to book a Kickstart session. If you know you want to deep dive into all of this, just do the Enneagram experience because then you get that Kickstart session for free. It is powerful stuff you guys. And understanding the anatomy of your type and those that you love and lead will allow you to not only be the ultimate leader in your life, but also in the life of those that you care about and and everywhere and every place and every person you touch along the way in this journey called life. Stay tuned for next week. I have some more live typing sessions for you where you get to hear people live and in person really understand their anatomy of their Enneagram type. Many of them have been mistyped along the way and you will also hear the final in our series of the Anatomy of the Enneagram type, that being the Enneagram 9. And until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomali. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomali.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.