EP195: How to Be a Strong & Elegant Leader in Your Family While Dealing with Drama/Chaos

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello. And it is Thanksgiving week. Oh, my goodness. Can you believe that 2021 is just about done? It blows my mind, quite honestly. It feels like yesterday was my birthday, which was in the spring, and I'm like, holy crap, I'm going to be 50 in just a couple months here. It's nuts. And I know many of you are feeling the same way. I think this happens as we get older. It just goes so damn fast. That being said, this is, for many of you, your favorite time of year. It is also one of mine. This is my favorite week of the year. As you are listening to this right now, I am on the beach in San Diego for my favorite week of the year. And it hasn't always been that way. And this episode, I wanted to talk about dealing with family drama and chaos and becoming that strong, elegant leader in your family, whether it's in your personal home, in your immediate family, or your extended family. Now, being a leader isn't always the most rewarding job because it comes with hard decisions, hard conversations, and some discernment and decisiveness that isn't always well received. And when we're dealing with family, I mean, there's crap that's gone on for generations and generations that when you kind of plant your flag and say like, this is. This is not how it's going to continue for me, you get pushback, to say the least. To say the least. And it's not fun, but it's necessary. If what you say you want for your life is true and what you say you desire and deserve is true, then it comes with some hard decisions and hard conversations. And so today, you know, it's holiday week, and we're all in the feels. And this is also a time where you might be leaning into things that numb you out to deal with this, this. And, you know, I've been sober now for nine years. Nine and a half years. And, you know, I'm going to tell you a story about one Christmas in the O' Malley household. I was probably 19, 18 or 19, and my sister and I. I'm an enneagram 8. She's an enneagram 4. Okay? And at the time, we're both unhealthy versions of this. And, you know, that eight in me is a straight shooting, no bullshit, you know, tells it like it is. And the enneagram 4, when they're not at their best, they live in fantasy land. They don't always like to take accountability seriously. They have this woe is me thing that happens. You know, both unhealthy is not a great thing. And there was some alcohol involved. Not on my part for a change, back then. So this was probably 30 years ago. Holy crap. This was 30 years ago. And my sister started spurting off at the mouth. I don't even remember what she said, but we were sitting, like, in a family room, and all I remember is there was, like, this glass cocktail table between us. And all I remember is flying over the table, like, got air, grabbed her by the throat, and wanted to kill her. I really, really did. Happy Thanksgiving, y'. All. Right? Now, I'm not saying your family has gotten to that point. I'm also a little passionate Irish girl, so there's that. But this was a buildup of not dealing with things and sweeping things under the rug and not making waves and my own shit, right? Like, there was a lifetime of this. This is not how I handle things today. I'm still feisty, I'm still intense. I'm still an Irish girl, and I'm still an enneagram8, and I'm still in Aries, and. And I have some emotional intelligence under my belt and know how to handle hard things. This can also be a very triggering season for you. This is triggering for me, too. Even though I have super healthy boundaries and I've had the hard conversations and made the hard decisions, it also comes with grieving the loss because I had to put up those boundaries, and I don't have a relationship with 99% of my family at this point. Right. So there is part of this that there's, like, this sucks. This is sad. And I also have peace. Right? So I wanted to kind of take you through how to be a strong and elegant leader in your family while dealing with drama, chaos, and grief, because all of it's part of this. Like, anytime you love any, anyone, anything, we risk, you know, what the loss looks like. And Whether it's how things used to be, even if it wasn't good for you, I mean, there's still. There's still kind of this. This moment of, like, moving forward and not knowing what that looks like. And, you know, I've been working with this beautiful family. I work with many families, but this one's at the top of my mind right now because I've been doing their entire family Enneagram work, all one on one with them. And it's a family of six. It's a blended family. And there's four teenagers. So it's like mom and stepdad and two kids of his, two kids of hers, and they, you know, are living under one roof. And they're a great family. They're an amazing family. And you can imagine four teenagers is a lot. And, you know, they both have another parent that brings things to the table that absolutely impacts their household. And mom and dad decided to hire me and do a family workshop, and they wanted me to meet with all of the teenagers, which I have individually. And, you know, I'm. This is my. My gift. I can talk to kids very, very well from, you know, four years old all the way up until, you know, teenagers and beyond. And since my kids are, you know, in their 20s, I can relate and speak very openly to them. And they all. I could not believe it, all felt so insanely comfortable talking to me. They all knew that I was a safe place without judgment. And it was kind of like anything goes here. You can say whatever you feel like saying without a filter, without feeling bad or guilty about anything. And I was so refreshed by the transparency of the entire family. And the reason why is, like, the willingness. They all want to be better for each other in their dynamics. That being said, there's six of them. All six are different anyway, Enneagram types. So you can imagine that it's not always easy to understand what motivates people and what their biggest fear is and have compassion for it when it isn't what motivates you or what your fear is. Right? And so you can imagine having a family of six blended all with different Enneagram types. The challenge that you can see there. And they're teenagers. I mean, seriously, it's a perfect storm of chaos if you really let it go and sweep it under the rug. And so working mainly with mom and dad, obviously, because leadership always starts at the top. And I imagine if you're listening to this right now, you're a partner or a head of your household, right? And a Lot of times we'll. We'll point and say, something's wrong with my kid. And I easily could have said, you know, that as a teenager, as I'm flying over the table, like, fix me, like, I'm the problem. But, like, leadership starts at the top. And this does happen in your family. And really understanding it doesn't mean that we let people off the hook or that we give them a free pass. Right? I have many relationships in my life. Nobody in my close inner circle is an enneagram 8. So they operate very, very differently than me. None of the people in my inner circle is in the center of intelligence that I am. You know, there's three centers of intelligence in the Enneagram. There's the body, the heart, and the head. My entire inner circle falls in the other two centers of intelligence. So they're not even motivated similarly like I am. And that takes a lot of compassion, patience, understanding, and humility in order to, you know, be the best version of me for them and to. And for them to receive me. Not easy, especially when I get fired up or when they get fired up. And I know you're thinking right now, like, great, Trace, I can't have you sitting at my Thanksgiving table or whatever story you're telling yourself. You can hire me, by the way. I do families of all sizes. You don't necessarily have to do the one on ones with everyone, but I do highly recommend it. It's beautiful, because then I do have some intel. I don't spill secrets, but I can. I know kind of what to say to make it land so that you can be more effective. You don't need to have your entire family's Enneagram types figured out in order to make this work or in order to have compassion in the Enneagra. Enneagram is just a tool. It's not the end all, be all. It is the most powerful tool I use in getting to compassion and humility really quickly, though. But knowing that the close inner circle in my life, the people that I love very, very much, knowing what motivates them and what their biggest fear is, allows me to intentionally not trigger them where before. I mean, if you go back to that Christmas story, I intentionally would try to get a rise out of my sister. I really, really would. It was my flex move, for sure. I used to get off on triggering people irresponsibly to let them know I was the most powerful one in the room. Now I don't have a problem triggering people because I know it's coming From a beautiful, loving place. Right. And when you're with family, you might feel tempted to poke the bear so that you can feel better about yourself, which is absolutely what I was doing. But back then. And then there's another way to really bring you together. Right. But here's the catch. You have to really understand. And this was the hardest part for me, because as an enneagram8, I have no problem with conflict. In fact, it energizes me. I crave intensity. The vice of the Enneagram 8 is like that intensity. Like we need lust. It's lust. And not necessarily for sex, but more that intensity. We need it. And so sometimes I can pick fights if I want to, and I will put on the boxing gloves if I have to. But this is where the healthy part of me has come in. I know that a lot of the time, I know where I'm coming from is for the greatest good. And I know I could actually help my family member. I absolutely can. And I've been faced with a few of these instances over the last, you know, 10, 15 years. But you have to be able to discern if the person on the receiving end is open to feedback, even if it's loving or not, what they want to hear. Are they willing to own their part or see a bigger picture in this? Do they have the ability to be completely honest with themselves? And I would say, and I love my family very, very much, but about 95% of them, absolutely, it's a hell, no. And so how I keep myself from energetically bankrupting myself and starting a fight that will have no resolution and nothing good will come out of it. It takes a lot for this girl to walk away from a fight. Let me tell you. I love it. I love to fight. But I also know what it takes out of me when the people on the other end aren't honest, open, and willing. That's how we build relationship. So you might be thinking, that's a great trace. But what if this is my spouse or one of my kids? Yeah. This is when it gets really, really challenging. And the other part I want to say to you is, you know, I just lead by example. And because the people closest to me, closest to me, aren't wired like me, it doesn't mean that they're always going to understand it. But I always operate in integrity in my families and in my close relationships, that because I started living a certain way in integrity, you can't compartmentalize this. And it's one thing, like living in integrity means that I'M going to show up as I am regardless, without a contingency plan. It's not like you can say, well, I'll do this. If they do that, that's not operating in integrity. I'm going to carry myself with my head held high in the most humble space I can be. I will honor myself and ask for what I need. And if I feel scared, I will speak it. And if something bothers me, I will speak it with love. When I am, I know I'm not being reactionary. And you know what happens is the people closest to you, one of two things will happen. Either they're going to get curious about what's happened in a good way, or they're going to be mad like 95% of my family and said, who the hell do you think you are? Oh, do you think you're better than us? You're self righteous, all the things. But here was the thing, here's the deal is I operate that way regardless of what anybody says. And I'm not doing it to get anybody to change. I have made this decision. This is how I'm going to show up in my home and in my relationships and out in the world. And those that are here for it will say, hey, you're pretty awesome. And they'll come to me like a magnet. And those that maybe aren't at that space. And I have zero judgment around that because Lord knows, 15 years ago, if somebody like me today walked in front of me, I would have been so repelled by somebody like me because I wasn't ready to be honest with myself. I was looking to pick fights. I wasn't being accountable for my own bullshit. Right. And so as you're dealing with your family this holiday season, you know, if you do know your Enneagram type, that's a huge, huge help. The system and the framework of the Enneagram has saved my ass. When I want to kind of pop off, I do. I love to pop off and just like go after it. I've said this a million times now. And the framework of the Enneagram really allows me to stay in integrity. And so if you don't know your Enneagram type or you think you 65 to 70% of you are mistyped, by the way, all those online assessments, it's a great starting point, but they, you know, I love artificial intelligence and you know, the interwebs and stuff, but they can't take certain things into account that I can. And this week for Black Friday, the thank the Week of Thankfulness I am doing a special that it must be purchased this week. It can be scheduled out a little bit, but it has to be purchased this week. Any of my coaching services, whether it's an Enneagram typing session, which is where you get 90 minutes with me, we determine your accurate type. I give you the anatomy of your Enneagram type because there's four other types connected to you and using them is where you really grow and tools to integrate this into your life. Or you can do an Enneagram experience which is that typing 90 minute session plus 5 other hours filled with all the things enneagram and how to actually use that in your life in real time. Also, my one on one coaching this will apply for, but that's by application only. Again, that has to be set this week or any of my team and family workshops. So if, if you want to do some one on one coaching with me, the like the in depth like next level, you're like raising your hand saying you know what, I don't want to go into another year feeling like I'm taking four steps forward and 10 back. Then apply for the one on one coaching you get me for three full months, every single day a direct like phone, a friend card 247 with me. Or if you have a desire to do a family workshop package or a team and organization, I do lots of that as well. Because leadership is leadership no matter if it's people we love or we are business partners with. Right. So this beautiful special will apply to all of that too. For those you'll have to reach out to me. But if you go online for either the Enneagram typing session or the Enneagram experience, you can just go right to my website, Tracey O' Malley.com the work with me section. And you can put in the discount code THANKFUL10 and you will get 10% off those services. Again, if you want to do the in depth one on one next level, like let's go kind of thing, you'll have to apply. And if you do that this week and we decide to move forward with that, then this beautiful gift of 10% off those services will apply. Or the coaching workshops for families or organizations. All right. So I encourage you not to hold back on doing this. I wouldn't wait until the beginning of the year because whatever you do now will show up in, you know, January, February, March. It absolutely will. And the people that took advantage of this special last week had probably the most epic year. Incredible. Like one girl, she was probably at 250k a year, well over a million dollars this year. Well, well into it. Not only that, her family life is thriving. Right? So I encourage you guys that if you've ever thought about working with me, and I know it might be kind of scary, because you do know I see all the things, but I know you're also tired of all the fluffy bullshit that's out there. I know you're tired of raising your hand saying, I need help and I need this, and you got sold something that didn't help you. Or maybe, you know, you didn't show up fully. I mean, it does take two, right? I am all in with you when you work with me, I am all in with you. And I care so deeply about your family, about the legacy that you leave, about harmony within your career life, work life, family life, relational life, friendship, health. I believe that it all can work synergistically together. But you have to know how to elegantly find harmony in all of that. And that's where I come into play. So as you maybe are dealing with family in the next few weeks, like I said, I'm sitting here on the beach with my family, and 12 years ago or 10 years ago, this didn't look like it looks today. I mean, you're probably watching me on Instagram right now, and the relationship that I have with my kids is no bullshit. There is absolutely, absolutely nothing I don't show you that isn't real life. We don't really fight anymore. We have disagreements, but they don't get out of hand. What you see, I promise you, with me and my children today is absolutely what it really is. And it's been that way for 10 years. But before, I really kind of was honest, open, and willing with myself. I mean, I was telling the story to a client the other day. My beautiful, sweet enneagram2son I had up against the wall by his neck 10 years ago. You see a pattern with me. I was the common denominator in some of these things. And when I stepped into integrity for myself, for no other reason but this is how I'm choosing to be. The people that I lead and love either follow suit or they didn't. And my kids, God, they're 24 and 25 now, almost. John Maxwell says it best. The strongest leaders know the way, go the way, and show the way. And I know, without question, I do that every day in my home. And I've lost a lot of people along the way. And if you're feeling like, you know that you have some hard decisions to make around Your family, whether it's your immediate or extended, just because your blood doesn't mean you need to take shit anymore. It's not going to be a popular opinion. And you might be saying, well, trace, you don't know my story. Well, you know what? I have lived it. I probably have. I've lived through a very passionate, loyal family. I've lived through divorce and co parenting. I've lived through death. I've lived through addiction. I do know your family. I am your family. I understand it. And I'm not saying it's easy or without pain or loss, but if you're watching me and my family and how I'm operating in the world today and you're like, God, that looks amazing, and I want that, or I want a version of that feeling, then it's going to require you to make some hard decisions. And I want you to know I'm with you every step of the way. I am one of the books that my very first, I had two books given to me 22 years ago when I first started, when I knew that I couldn't outrun what I had been taught, told and modeled in my family. And again, I love my family. Very passionate, a lot of fun, and very, very, very fucking dysfunctional, I will say that. And it was 22 years ago, when my own daughter was 4, that I realized that even though I moved 2,000 miles away and, you know, set up my own family with the two dogs, the two kids, the mortgage, the whole thing, right, I could not outrun the things that I was taught, told and modeled. I didn't know a different way. And even if I was shown the tools, like my old conditioning and old belief system was really taking over. And I remember somebody had given me the book called Codependent no More by Melody Beatty. It's probably the number one book I give to people because even if you don't struggle with a substance or you know, any of the things that you use to deal, whether it's Netflix, social media, codependency is the hardest, hardest thing to navigate, manage, break. And I still have to check myself daily with that one. And when I first saw the COVID of that book, I'm like, I'm not codependent. I'm the most independent person. And if that's your reaction, that means you don't know what codependency is. But especially around family dynamics or partnerships or friendships or even parenting, it is the most powerful book I've ever read in my life. I'm re listening to it again. On audible. It's a great audible book as well. But I highly recommend if you have family dynamics that turn your gut or give you anxiety or make you angry or cause you to completely become a shell of yourself, please pick up that book or reach out to me. I want to make sure that you are equipped and ready so that 2022, whatever you see as a vision for your family, even if it's you and your your dog, you lead your dog as well. Whatever this looks like for you, whatever this looks like for you, I want you to step into the ultimate leader that you are in your life. And the compound effect and the ripple effect of you standing in your integrity and your self honoring practices will make those around you better. Now those that don't want to be better will absolutely be threatened by that. And I want to equip you and arm you and prepare you and support support you for all of it. You guys, I am so thankful for each and every one of you. For the last two years and almost 200 episodes you have checked in, tuned in, shared, reviewed, loved, commented on what I've been bringing to you. It is probably my favorite part of my business is doing this podcast and sharing what has worked for me. This is the beautiful part about being 50 years old is I have a lot of wisdom and experience that you can't teach or you can't learn unless you've lived it. And so I love being able to bring that wisdom to you in real time as I go. Again, if you want to experience working with me this week, I am so thankful for all of you and I wanted to give you a special gift this week only. Any of my coaching services, a 10% page beautiful discount on any of them. So for the Enneagram typing session or the Enneagram experience, you can go right to my website right now and do that. Use the coupon code or discount code THANKFUL10 and that will be applied immediately. If you want to do deep diving one on one coaching with me or do a family workshop or a team organization workshop, reach out to me and we will hop on a very quick call to see if that's a good fit for you. I want you to enjoy yourself. I want you to be grateful for the hard parts of your journey because that is what has made me even more thankful today that all the rough patches and even flying over the table and punching my sister in the face and and all and holding even my son up by his neck. Not my shining moment, you guys. And if you want to judge me, judge me but it is in that moment I knew I was in trouble and it humbled me enough to get the help so I could be honest, open and willing to be the person that you see and love today. And I am very proud of who I am today. And I'm proud of even that moment because it was the catalyst for change for me and my kids that moment. So I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I'm thankful for you. If you loved this episode, I would love to know. If you hated this episode, I would love to know. If you think there's somebody in your life or your team or just maybe there's somebody out there that you don't know very well that follows you for your wisdom and you think they need to hear it, please share this with somebody else.

My goal is always to help you become the ultimate leader in your life so that you can do what you're here to do. Have a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Thanksgiving week. And until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.