EP200: How the POWER of Vulnerability Can Help You Become the Ultimate Leader in Your Life

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose.

And make money doing something you love?

Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Well, hello, and if you have made it this far in my podcast, welcome to episode number 200. That is unbelievable to me. It's funny, I have been trying to prep for this call and trying to decide what would be the most profound episode for episode number 200. And every time I went to to make some notes or come up with a topic or really like, let the divine download into me, I got absolutely nothing. And when that happens to me, it means I'm just supposed to hit freaking record and let it rip. So I have no idea what's gonna come out of my mouth today. I have no idea if it's gonna be a shit episode or a really good one. I don't know any of it. But I've learned how to trust the my instincts and my intuition on this one. And I'm conflicted because, like, episode 200, it's supposed to be good, right? It's at the very end of 2021, which we thought 2020 was weird, and it was. But there was a. There was a really calming Peace about 2020. You know, for a lot of us, it was stressful. The pandemic, quarantine restrictions, all of that. And although I hated it in a lot of ways, it was almost like my soul could just chill the. It's like, well, okay, if I can't do this, then there's not these expectations of what I should be doing. And ironically, during 2020, I was probably in the best health of my life. I was the most calm. I was the most open to more vulnerability in my relationships. I was open to love. I spent more time with the very people that mattered most to me. I let go of some people in 2020, and there was just a calmness. Even though there was so much uncer in 2020, I felt calm. And then as the world started to open up in 2021 and we all were Putting our foot on the gas, trying to make up for lost time or whatever the story was for you. I don't know what it was for you, but all of a sudden I started going into my enneagram 8, not the healthiest zone, and shoulding all over myself and intensifying things, which is also my gift. It. It's my gift when it's coming from love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. And it's my wrecking ball in my life when it's coming from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, or my big fat ego sometimes. And although 2021 was a powerful year, it was absolutely the best and biggest growth I've had in this business of mine. My other business, definitely the tides shifted in that one. I gained new relationships in my life professionally that have proven to change the game. I have created some things that will come to fruition in 2022 that absolutely will take this business past the seven figure mark. And I'm excited about all of it. And I'm equally scared it's going to require more vulnerability for me. And I thought maybe I would touch on vulnerability for episode 200. Brene Brown. She is the queen of research on vulnerability. And when I was in rehab almost 10 years ago, my therapist handed me a book called the Gifts of Imperfection. And it was the first time I was introduced to Brene Brown quite honestly. And it was a holy shit, where has this been all my life kind of book. I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt understood. Couple that with being introduced to the Enneagram around the same time. I was introduced to the Enneagram by my therapist in rehab as well, who I also happen to still see to this day. But vulnerability, I think in general for most of us is really, really hard. It's where our heart gets put on the line. It's where we take the biggest risks to be hurt. It's where we take the biggest risks financially. It's where we take the biggest risks all over the place. And I'm not just talking about emotional vulnerability. When we put ourselves in a vulnerable situation, like we take a risk financially or an investment, or if we take a risk with our health by maybe putting something in body that we shouldn't or maybe isn't great for our body. Right? Again, I'm not judging anybody for that. I've had implants, I've had them removed. They almost killed me, you know, but that was me putting my body in a vulnerable situation too. And then the vulnerability of realizing, holy shit, I have to take These out because they're about to kill me. But vulnerability emotionally is something that, especially as an enneagram 8, that is the biggest fear. Of all the Enneagram types, the eight is the one that's most afraid of vulnerability. It's why they're called the protective challenger. Their biggest fear is being betrayed or violated or put in a vulnerable situation. So you can imagine somebody that teaches vulnerability and how to be vulnerable. I am the perfect person because I have to really intentionally lean into that every day. And 2021 was hands down my most vulnerable year. And there were many times I wanted to go down kicking and screaming and resist. Felt like I was being controlled by all this vulnerability because I knew I could taste. I can see what's ahead for me in all areas of my life, professionally and personally. I can see very clearly what is there for me. With great reward comes great responsibility. In order to have that, I have to lean into the vulnerability. It scares the shit out of me every day. However, you know, when we are scared of something, it's usually an indicator. Unless it's like a physical threat, usually when there's some fear, it's usually an indicator that this is where the next level of growth is going to happen. The things that are most uncomfortable for us, the things that really like make our stomach turn, you know, this is why surrounding yourself with the right people is important too. And that for me, you know, cleaning house a little bit more in 2021 has allowed me to lean into those relationships that really make me feel safe. And that's a huge thing for me to say. I was having a talk with my best friend. We were walking along the beach. I think this was last month, it was in October and we were taking an eight mile walk. And you know, she is an enneagram6 and she has no problem leaning in and asking for help. It's. I admire those of you that can raise your hand and say, hey, I need help. And it really hit me when we were having this conversation. Like I do lean into her and she is always my first call. And I even lean in in real time, which is a miracle. Like I, in the past, I used to think vulnerability was like sharing my story or posting something vulnerable on social media or even standing. And I've done this. I've stood on stage in front of 20,000 people and shared some of the most intimate, vulnerable moments of my life. I've brought rooms to tears. I used to believe, and innocently, I really did believe that that was being vulnerable. And for me, from Where I had come from, that was vulnerable for me. But what I have learned and what I want to share with all of you is vulnerability is leaning in and exposing your heart in real time when you haven't quite figured out how you're going to get through it or how you're going to have a strategy to move through whatever it is, whether it's a business thing, a personal thing, a love thing, a parenting thing. It didn't hit me that being vulnerable required me when I didn't have it all figured out, to lean in. Because if you can imagine as an enneagram 8, the fear of being betrayed or violated means we have to surrender a little bit and trust that whoever we do lean into can hold that space for us. And I know many of you don't like that phrase, holding space, but it's a big deal when it comes to this. And you know, truth be told, the very people that were in that position to do that for me most of my life failed miserably. Miserably. The very people that were supposed to protect me. And I figured this out probably at about 5 years old that if it was to be, it was up to me. And so you can imagine going 40 more years of never leaning into anyone in real time and masking myself up and numbing myself out and covering it up with alcohol or food or power or sex or success, you name it, Anything that I could to build a wall around my vulnerable heart is what I did. And 2021 was the crumbling of those walls. Now it doesn't mean you all know about it or you all hear about it. Being vulnerable doesn't mean the world needs to know about it. But sharing with another human needs being and finding somebody. You know, I want to scream this from the rooftops to all my fellow power through it people or my people out there that really struggle to ask for help. I want you to know you are keeping yourself in a perpetual prison when you do that. And it's a choice. I could say, well, if it's to be, it's up to me. And if it's going to happen, I have to do it or it's not going to happen without me. That's a choice. And, and yes, I could continue to do that, but then a few things would happen. I couldn't take my business past maybe the $500,000 mark. I've gotten by pretty well with being a one person show for the most part with the help of my beautiful assistant. But as far as like the ins and outs of My business, it's me calling every single shot and not really collaborating any kind of ideas with anybody. So for me to do what I know I'm here to do and make the impact and touch more of you, it's going require me to be vulnerable. And that's scary for me. You know, it puts a target on my back, people. Not that I give a shit what anybody thinks, because I really don't. I believe completely in what I'm doing in the world. And I know that more of you need what I am here to do for my expertise and my wisdom and my experience in the world. But it will require me having to rely on somebody to help me do the things I'm not great at. Like all the integrating stuff and all the logistical shit. I mean, I'm a visionary with that 7 wing is strong in me. The visionary spirit and the fearlessness of my eightness, like that. Fuck yes. Let's go. And my nine wing, that is like the Yoda, who knows, like, very wise. I know what I need to do now. The vulnerable part is going to be saying, hey, I need somebody to help me execute this. And because I've been let down so much in my life from a very, very early age, the thought of that scares me. And I'm committing to that in 2022. Scary. Scariest thing I've ever done. And you know, I know many of you hire people and I admire you for your willingness to do this. And this is why I love the Enneagram, is I learn from you. I will never be motivated like you. I will never be able to just tap that motivation that you do. And that's okay. You know, my motivation is very, very strong. But leaning into other Enneagram types and learning and watching you will allow me to execute on some of that. And then there's personally personal vulnerability. It's an interesting year also in 2021, because my kids are turning 24 and 25 here any minute, and they are in very serious relationships. And both of them are getting their ducks in order to leave my nest. And it has been a collective choice that they have lived with me all this time because we truly A, do enjoy each other's company fully, B, they are great roommates and tremendous help. You know, I have a pretty substantial house and it's a lot for one woman to take care of, and I can. But it is really nice to have a few teammates around here. And plus, you know, I think quite honestly, they don't want to leave the dogs. It isn't Maybe so much about me, but the dogs. And it's a very beautiful, energetic home. Like you walk into this home and it's a beautiful energy, which is our first home where it didn't come with any kind of baggage or history in it that wasn't anything but this beautiful space we've been at. And you know, I'm seeing my children be completely in love with beautiful partners that are healthy and loving and could quite honestly end up being, you know, my daughter and son in law. And realizing that I'm living in this beautiful home that I love, that I have pictured my grandchildren coming to one day and creating new traditions here with my offspring and their offspring someday and realizing, wow, I've lived a lot of life already and I may not have a lot left. And how life is being lived moving forward looks really, really different. And instead of trying to white knuckle and control what that looks like, really just being an encouragement to my kids to trust their inner knowing, to demand what they deserve and desire to have healthy communication in their relationships, to not rush it if they're not ready, just because pretty much all of their friends and peer groups are getting married and having babies. You know, they're both very aware of what is for them in real time and what isn't in real time. And as kids of divorce when they were 9 and 10, they don't want that, and I don't think any of us do. But they want to make sure that they are the healthiest version of themselves before they enter in a lifelong commitment. But I see both of them probably in the next year living on their own, and I'm excited for them. And for me also, personally, in my friendships, I have cleaned house a little bit. All of the people I have had in my life over the last almost 50 years have really been a beautiful part of my journey. And some of those endings were abrupt and harsh on my doing. And in their doing, some of them were quiet and kind of like an Irish duck out. And all of it went as it was supposed to. And even though I prefer to have a very, very small circle, it got a lot smaller this year. And it meant that the relationships I do have intensified, which I love. Intensity. I'm an enneagram8. It's what I eat for lunch. I crave intensity. And when I'm healthy, this is a beautiful thing. And it makes people feel loved, protected, seen, heard, understood. And when it's not healthy, it makes people feel like they're in the middle of chaos. And so really eliminating a Lot of more intimate relationships in my life has required me to step into intimacy even more in the ones that are still part of my life. And that means more vulnerability. My friendships, the ones that I am in contact with pretty much, you know, daily, if not every other day or a few, those have accelerated in a way that feels very vulnerable. I find myself reaching out in real time and. And not just being like the rock. It's a role I do like, but also allowing myself to be supported. Very uncomfortable for me, but I can't imagine my life without it today. And, you know, also, I've allowed myself to romantically love again. And that by far is and continues to be the scariest part of my life. And I've worked really, really hard over the last decade. You know, I've shared before, you know, when I went into recovery almost a decade ago, I was in an unhealthy relationship, and he was a good person, but it was just not. Not a good situation probably for either one of us. And it ended shortly after I got sober. And then I made the decision to not date for about seven years. And, you know, part of me knew I needed to unpack a lot of shit and connect the dots. And what went wrong? What was my part in, you know, the relationships I had had in, you know, the 40 years that I had had at that point. And there was a very big common theme, and it was very easy for me to identify what my part was. And, you know, I even made amends to a few of these people along the way. Most of the amends I made were in a living amends. But then, you know, you. You take a look at who you've chosen in real time at probably my healthiest, the healthiest version of myself, and also finding my own patterns within that and finding myself slip very quickly into a pattern that I grew up with, along the lines that I did with my dad, and believing that in order to be worthy of love from a man that I loved would require me to be accessible and available all the time. And I found myself starting to play small, dimming my light, kind of being on call. And although I could point fingers in certain areas, that takes two. I have to take full accountability in my part in that. And it came to a head, and eventually I had to say, like, this is what will work for me and this is what won't. And, you know, I'm probably one of the strongest women I know, and I don't mean that in a cocky way. I really, really am. But that was the hardest Thing I've ever done in a relationship before was actually say, this isn't okay with me, and I can't do this like this anymore, no matter how much I love you. Because that put myself, my vulnerability, on the line. To either be told, well, I can't give you that, or I'm not willing to do that, or you're not worth it, or you insert whatever story you might tell yourself. It was and still remains one of the scariest things I've ever done. And I wish I could tell you in real time that I knew how that story was going to end, because I don't. It's a hairy situation whenever you're in a relationship and they bring their stuff to the table and your stuff comes to the table, and, you know, both people have to be willing to work on it. And I'm grateful that I am with somebody that is willing to want more and to change. Whether or not it can happen, I don't know yet. And so I'm sitting in this limbo of vulnerability in regards to my heart that is very, very scary for me because part of me just wants to say, fuck it and go and do what I know best. And that's what I did with my dad. And although that made me feel loved by my father, it was also a false thing, and it was a very codependent pattern. And so, you know, being vulnerable requires you to break old patterns, too, even ones you've known almost five decades. And that being said, you know, in this 200th episode, I'm four months away from turning the calendar on another decade of my life. And I remember being a kid and thinking 50 was, like, ancient and like, they've got one foot in the grave. And as I embark on my 50th year on Earth, I don't know if I've ever been more proud of myself. I'm more uncertain than I've ever felt. I feel more scared than I've ever been. I feel very exposed and raw, more than I ever have in my life. But I also have never been more proud of myself. I am honoring who I am and what I'm here to do. And because of this leaning into vulnerability, the way that I have relentlessly in 2021, no wonder it is the most uncomfortable I've ever been. But it actually. I know, and I see it very clearly what 2022 will bring as a result. And the ripple effect of my willingness to be vulnerable, to not only ask for what I need, but do what I need to do personally, professionally, in my health and as a mama and in my friendships. And I'm excited for what 2022 will bring, and I'm excited for what the next 200 episodes will bring to this PODC podcast. You know, it started out, the podcast name, when I first started was called Becoming Bulletproof. And. And I really do believe, like, being vulnerable allows us to become bulletproof. And although, you know, when we're bulletproof, doesn't mean we don't take the hits, right? I've used this analogy before. If you think about law enforcement or, you know, military, the people that are on the front lines legitimately taking hits fearlessly, even when they're willing, wearing a bulletproof jacket or armor, you know, sometimes when they take a hit, it knocks them on their ass. And just because you're bulletproof, and I think I'm more bulletproof than I've ever been in my life, I'm taking hits left and right, and they are knocking me hard on my ass. But because I have allowed myself to stand on the front line of my life, openly, raw, exposed, even though the hits knock me down, because I'm standing there willing, I am able to get back up and I dust myself off. I learn a little bit more each time I get knocked on my ass. And that's the strongest way, honestly, is to become the ultimate leader in your life, is to stand on the front line of your life and not play small and not resist vulnerability and to realize we were never meant to do this life alone. And the enneagram8me resist that every single moment of every single day. I am much more comfortable going solo. I am much more comfortable as the lone wolf. However, I can't grow in that environment, and neither can you. I am one of those that purchases a lot of books. I am sitting across from my bookshelf, and there's hundreds and hundreds of books. And I've cleaned them out before. And usually when I buy them, I don't read them right away, but they sit on my shelf. And when I feel called to one is usually when I'll pick it up. And ironically, this week, I've had probably the most vulnerable week of the entire year. And it was like the fork in the road, the come to Jesus moment of, like, this is where the rubber meets the road, Trace. Either you're gonna choose an old pattern or you're gonna break the cycle right here, right now. Roll the dice and hope that it turns out the way that you would like it to. And if not knowing and trusting and having faith, that it will go exactly as it's designed for you. And ironically, Brene Brown released her newest book this week and I had pre ordered it back in September. But it's a beautiful, beautiful book. If you get the hardcover version, it's like a coffee table book. But it's the first time probably in years that the day that the book came I cracked it open and started reading the Anatomy of the Heart. That's what it's called. And I started reading it right away and it was exactly what I needed. So I highly, highly recommend it. And as you move into 2022, I want you to look at everything that's gone on with gratitude. I want you to look at everything that's gone on, especially the most vulnerable and painful moments of the last year in the last 200 episodes, and know that there is something to learn from it. There's something to take with you moving forward. There might be something you need to remove from your life, but be thankful for each and every bit of it because I am. And it's when we kind of find the thankfulness and the gift in everything that happens in our life that it can be used for something bigger and it makes room for what is coming for you. You deserve the abundance that's waiting for you, but it's going to require you to make some room for it. And sometimes that requires a level of vulnerability that will scare you the shit out of you. And I just personally wanted to thank you for the last 200 episodes and for those of you that have been following me the last decade as I have been in business online, in this online weird space that we live in, in the interwebs. I could not do what I do. I could not make the impact I have made without your love support, your trust in me to walk alongside of you in this journey. And as I move into 2022, I would be honored to work with you and help you navigate the rough waters and vulnerability. How this looks in 2022 will look very different. I don't know how much longer I can do as much one on one work as I do. So if that is something you are feeling called to do or have wanted to do, reach out. Like I said, it would mean the world to me to walk alongside you. It's been beautiful to watch people that have worked with me over the last years really spread their wings and fly and step into the ultimate leader in their life. I would love if you have enjoyed Found Value from my podcast, if you shared it with somebody else, if you feel like somebody needs to hear this message. Please do pass it along if you really, really love it. It would mean the world to me if you left a review on itunes or Spotify or any of the other things so that I know what you need and want more of. Again, I'm so grateful for you and I appreciate you and the way that you pour into me and remind me that everything that I've been through is mattering for something absolutely beautiful. And on those harder days when I really just don't wanna, it is your love and support that makes me lean in even more to my vulnerability. So I look forward to hearing more from you in the podcast episodes that follow. I'll be bringing you more typing sessions and live coaching and all sorts of really great things. And until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceeamalley. You you can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.