EP215: Why Boundaries Are a Loving Act and What It Is Costing You NOT to Have Them

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to the show. I am your host, Tracy o', Malley, your leadership expert. And today we are going to talk about something that's so serious, whether it's personally or professionally, this is probably the most important thing and skill you need to learn in your life. And you know, we are through one month out of the year already. January is over. And I know that if you're like me, you started the year off wanting to make some changes. You were gung ho, excited about a fresh new start, and I'm sure you've made some headway in that, right? And that's great. And we start to get tired and this is about when we start to kind of go back into old patterns and how we operate. And one of the things that I see all across the board, I don't care if you make millions of dollars or if you're struggling or if you're a stay at home mom, or if you're an entrepreneur, a network marketer, a mom, a dad, any of these things. This is probably the most important thing that I see people struggle with, at least with consistency in it or the effectiveness of it. And today we are talking about boundaries and the importance of boundaries and how to set and keep your personal boundaries and how to get yourself out when it doesn't feel like it's working. Right. And there are some of you that maybe are okay setting boundaries in your personal life, but in your professional life, you suck or vice versa. I tend to struggle with some boundaries in my personal life, specifically in romantic partnerships. This is kind of where I struggle. And sometimes even as a mom, you know, I think there's some, some elements based on what I grew up with, that, you know, because it was so hard sometimes for me that I will overcompensate and let some things go sometimes. But I want you to know, if we don't set boundaries, first of all we teach other people how to treat us. And that usually will lead to resentment, which leads to disease, which leads to exhaustion, which leads to playing small, which leads all sorts of shit that aren't serving you right. And it really is exhausting. The other thing, and probably something that a lot of you haven't thought of. Because usually when we don't execute or honor boundaries, we feel the effect of it, right? Personally. We take it personal, we get angry, we get sad, we call ourselves names. But there's this kind of really important part of setting and keeping boundaries that maybe you haven't thought of. And this is where boundaries actually become a loving act. They are one of the most loving acts that you can do. And as I have really strengthened my muscles in my boundaries, I slip once in a while. But for the most part, I am a pretty firm boundary layer, a boundary keeper and a boundary honorer. Right? I also honor other people's boundaries as well, even when it doesn't feel good. But boundaries are actually a loving act. And when we don't lay down boundaries, or even worse, execute the boundaries or keep our boundaries, we are actually enabling the very people that we love and lead to stay stuck, to continue behavior that doesn't serve them, to create conflict within personal and professional relationships. I know. You can just stop right here, rewind that for about 10 seconds and replay it. Because boundaries are a loving act for yourself and for other people. Okay, so what are boundaries? Right? Boundaries can be defined as like the limits we set with other people and ourselves, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behaviors towards yourself. Right? The ability to know your boundaries generally comes from a healthy sense of self worth, a self honoring, self awareness and valuing yourself in a way that is not contingent on other people or the feelings that they have towards you. So unlike self esteem, self worth and self honoring is finding intrinsic value in who you are so that you can be aware of your intellectual worth and boundaries. Because you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, and so are others to be aware of your emotional worth and boundaries. Your feelings are important in any given situation, and so are other people's, right? This is where like honoring other people's boundaries also come into play. Your physical worth and boundaries, you're entitled to your own personal space, however wide it may be, and so are others. Your social worth and boundaries around that, because you are entitled to your own friends and to pursuing your own social activities, and so are others. And your spiritual worth and boundaries, and you are entitled to your own spiritual belief as are others. Now, knowing our boundaries and setting them are two very different hurdles to overcome. Setting boundaries doesn't always come easily. It's often a skill that needs to be learned. And it's not like you can listen to this podcast, try it one time, and nail it. This is a muscle that you have to build for sure. You know, so much of human social learning comes from modeling behavior. So if you don't have adequate or haven't had adequate role models whose behavior that you can kind of translate through observation and later imitate, this is why so many people that grew up with any kind of dysfunction, even healthy dysfunction or workaholism, and now you have this really strong work ethic. Like, this is why this is probably one of the number one problem in any person's life that I work with personally and professionally. And this leaves you tired, frustrated, exhausted, burnt out, all the things, right? So why is this hard? Why is this hard? And this is where, like my work with the Enneagram with professionals, families, couples, individuals, is really, really helpful because based on your enneagram type, your boundaries and the ones that you really have a hard time keeping are very apparent. And I like to break this down into, like, the centers of intelligence. So, you know, the eights, the nines, and the ones fall into the body center of intelligence. They're instinct. They are driven by a motive to have autonomy, independence and control and truth. And so usually where an 8, 9, or 1 will have a hard time laying boundaries is around that. For the twos, threes, and fours, they're in the heart center of intelligence. Feelings are very, very, very important. So for the 8s, 9s, and 1s, that social boundaries, physical boundaries, that's really important to eights, nines and ones, the feeling boundaries, the emotional boundaries, those are really important to the twos, threes and fours. Now, they won't always show this, but it's really, really important because significance is the driver for twos, threes and fours. So having boundaries, you know, twos will have a hard time keeping boundaries because they're driven by a need to be loved and liked. So they have a really hard time with boundaries. Sometimes threes have a hard time laying boundaries down on, you know, working and achieving. And they won't always have boundaries around certain relationships if it helps them advance or move forward or appear a certain way. And fours have a hard time with boundaries, period, because they want to have a free for all to find their unique self and find that significance within. And the five, six and sevens fall into the Thinking center of intelligence. And they are driven by a need for certainty, security, things like that. So sometimes they'll have a hard time with certain boundaries that will disrupt that for them. Right? And that's why the work with the Enneagram, at least understanding the center of intelligence somebody falls into can really help. So when I'm dealing with a 2, 3 or 4, I know that they're going to have, you know, sometimes a harder time with emotional boundaries. Threes will have a hard time with boundaries around work. Fives will have a hard time, a hard time with boundaries around, you know, physical space. You know, you can see where understanding your Enneagram can really help you narrow down why it's hard. Some types I don't have, like, like I said, sometimes I don't have a hard time laying down boundaries. But what I needed to learn was the delivery of my boundaries. Because sometimes, like, there are some of you that have no problem saying this is a non negotiable, fuck you, this is the way it is, too bad. And you don't really care so much how other people receive it. And although at the end of the day, your boundaries aren't contingent on how somebody else feels about it, to be effective, the delivery of it is crucial, right? Because if I'm just operating in all my eightness, I can be harsh and I can be so intense that yes, I will lay down a boundary and yes, I will go to the ends of the earth to honor it, but it isn't always conducive in relationship, trust, credibility. So not only learning how to set them and honor them, but also how to deliver them. Because you want the best shot at their receiving and understanding your boundaries very clearly, right? And if we're kind of wishy washy around the boundaries or we're not clear, or we're not taking the other person into consideration and how they may receive information. And this is why knowing what center of intelligence they fall in will be really, really important. You want the best shot at them, hearing you, understanding you, receiving it, and then honoring them. And so delivery will be really, really important. But for those of you that have a harder time setting them, I know that a lot of you have a hard time laying the boundary because you don't want them mad at you, you don't want to be abandoned. You're worried that your business will suffer. I know. I was talking to a good friend of mine last week and she was changing up the way her membership for her business. She's got a membership program and she was Explaining that she was changing the model of it to add more value, to be more robust. But with that came a price increase. And she knew that she would lose some people for sure. She absolutely did. And she's a three on the Enneagram, by the way. She knew that she would lose some people, but it would be for the greatest good and it would attract a higher level clientele. She knew that. But in laying that boundary, she also got a lot of shit said to her about her telling her she was a piece of shit, she was a fraud. And I'm not saying that anybody is immune to not feeling that, because that never feels good. Even if you're an eight who doesn't really give two shits, a lot of the time, we're still human beings, and that never feels good. I don't care how strong you are. We're all human. But in the end, she knew that what she was producing, why she was changing, it was all for the right reasons, came from good intent, was honoring her personal boundaries because she was working way harder than she should have to in this model. Right? She was honoring her own personal boundaries as well as the boundaries in her business. And she was like, God, this sucked. It felt painful. You know, you don't ever really want to let anybody down or somebody will project like, I can't do this without this membership or this program or your coaching, but you're too expensive, or xyz. And yeah, it took her membership almost down to zero for a short period of time. And that didn't feel good. And it had her questioning her boundaries, right? But it didn't take very long as she stood firm in those and knew, like, she wished those people well, even the ones that were being really salty to her and spicy and knew that you have to sometimes let people, places and things go in order to invite in what is coming for you. And back 10 years ago, but when I was learning about the Enneagram, and you know, I told you I was introduced to the Enneagram in rehab with my therapist a decade ago, and I had to clean house of a lot of things. And there were a lot of boundaries I had to lay down around people, places and things in my life. And I pretty much took my social network down to zero. And that was not fun. And there were a lot of people that said a lot of shit about me. My best friend at the time even told me that I was a piece of shit mother and that, you know, I was a hell of a lot more fun when I was being an Asshole, basically. And that didn't feel good. And I know many of you have had some shit thrown your way and it will have you kind of going back to what you know, because at least there you have certainty, but that's what's keeping you stuck. So although that didn't feel good 10 years ago, I knew I needed to hold firm to that boundary if I was going to a maintain sobriety for the long distance to learn the tools that I am bringing you today. And it's helped me build several multimillion dollar businesses to have the relationship I have with my children today, a decade later, that is bulletproof to have the right friendships and partnerships in my life. None of that would have happened without holding firm to my boundaries. And I delivered them even back then, fresh in this pretty well. However, how these people, places and things chose to receive my boundaries, it was not my responsibility. How they received it, they did not like it, they were not happy about it, they had a lot to say about it. There was a lot of gossiping about my boundaries and I had to really work through that. I knew that for me to go to the next level in my life, personally and professionally, they were required. And here's the thing, when we lay down a boundary, and even though we know it's a loving act, not everybody, no matter how nice you put it, no matter how firm you are, no matter how beautiful the execution and delivery of it is, the reception of it is not your responsibility. And it should not dictate how you move forward. It's really, really challenging because usually when people don't want to honor your boundaries, they are the very ones that need them, right? I had an experience recently in my life where I had to say that this is not acceptable to be in relationship with me. And it was hard because my old codependent ways, really, I fall into that a lot. I can fall into being overly accessible and accommodating. And I can do this even professionally because, you know, as an enneagram8, I like to prove how fucking strong and powerful I am. And so just because I can be and do all the things doesn't mean I freaking should. Because I've been burnt out, I've been tired, my health has suffered a little bit, right? So I had to really lay down boundaries not only for my own own self, but I could also see how me not having boundaries enabled this other person to not step forward in areas of their life they needed to. And I even had the conversation and said, listen, I love you, I care about you. And I will walk away if I have to, because I will not enable you on my watch for one more day. It goes against everything that I teach, everything that I model in my life. It's how I parent. It's how I do everything. So that's why this is so hard. It's why it's so hard to lay down boundaries, is because the very ones that need you to have them are the ones that break them. But what having a lack of boundaries is costing you is everything. I was having a heart to heart with my son today because he has a really hard time with it. He's an Enneagram too. My daughter has a hard time with boundaries too, because she's an enneagram7 and wants. She says yes to everything because she wants the adventure. And then, you know, she's tired and burnt out. Right. My son, as an Enneagram too, has a harder time with boundaries because his desire is to be loved, appreciated, liked. And he hasn't been doing it as effectively as he has in the past. And he is filled with resentment. He has let some of the relationships that are important to him move to the side because he's been coddling another area of his life. And having a lack of boundaries is costing him his health. It's costing you your health. It's costing you quality friendships in your life. It's costing you thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. It's costing you your true authenticity. It's costing you your inner child that is dying to come out and be who he or she was always designed to be. This is the most important thing you need to learn how to do. And this muscle takes time to build. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I mean, is it easier? Yes. Does it ever feel good when people don't want to honor the boundaries? Or if they conveniently forget that you laid one or all the things? No. Because we're all human beings. And it's hard. It's hard. But let me tell you, it is so worth it. So what do you do? Well, there's a few things. And this is why I am so, so encouraging you, if you haven't done so already, to book a typing session with me. Not only will we know your true Enneagram type for sure, I will give you lots of skills and tools around how to move forward, laying down boundaries and why. Maybe you've struggled in it personally and professionally. Game changing. 90 minutes for sure. If you do know your Enneagram type, really get to the motive. You know the motive of everything that you do is the driver behind why you do or don't do what you need to do. So, like, back to the Enneagram too. Like, their motivational need to be liked, loved and appreciated. You can see why boundaries would be hard for them for an Enneagram one, their basic core desire is to be right and good. And you can see where, why, and how laying down a boundary might go against that, you know, and vice versa through that. So really diving into not just the cool, fun memes around Enneagram and the stereotypes, but knowing you know what motivates you, what your biggest fear is, and also your growth number. Because if you look at all the Enneagram types, and specifically yours, there's a line that goes to your integration number. This is like the holy grail of who you are, right? It's when you can not only live the highest version of your core type, but you're also utilizing both of your wings effectively in a way that pushes you into your growth number. Okay, so for me to be in my growth number, which is the enneagram2, I have to have a lot of boundaries and I have to have compassion and empathy and be a little softer sometimes in my delivery of my boundaries and understand that just because I'm laying a boundary doesn't mean it's always going to be well received. And instead of fighting people, which is what I used to do, to have compassion and be like, yes, I understand this, this isn't fun, but this is what's necessary for not only me to move forward, but also you. Right? And this has taken me really, really intentional work on myself over the last decade. You know, the more you build the muscle, the easier it gets to flex it. And it's really, really important. The other thing that I do with people, my private one on one coaching, which I have applications open right now, I have two spots currently open. I only take a certain amount of people at a time because I do go deep with you. Very, very deep with you. Not only do we nail down your Enneagram type, we have sessions and my own personal methodology that I have taken hundreds of people through on a private basis and having access to me every day to really flex the muscle. Like, imagine having a personal trainer with you 24, 7, but an emotional personal trainer, right? A boundary, spiritual, emotional personal trainer with you 24 7. And that's what private coaching looks like with me. If you are somebody that really struggles with boundaries and it is costing you money, time, your health, energy, relationships, your marriage, the way that you show up with your kids and you're tired of messing around with it and no matter what you do, it's not working. Please, like, this is serious business and I will absolutely help you lay down boundaries in your life that have you step into the ultimate leader in your life. And I do that through the private coaching, specifically in like the master's level program, basically. So if you are tired of playing small, if you are tired of being the kindergarten crap of personal development that's out there and you really want to go the next level, personally and professionally, I highly encourage my private one on one coaching. So back to the beginning about boundaries being a loving act. I know that when I lay down my boundary, it does make me feel empowered and there are times it feels lonely. But I've also seen the other side with my children, with my friendships, with the people that are in my close inner circle, how much it helps them become better too. And that builds their confidence and their growth. And it actually, even though it may not be received well at first, and it might be hurtful in their eyes at first, it actually builds more credibility and trust that when shit hits the fan, omalley's got their back, right? So to start setting boundaries, try knowing these four things and practicing these four things. Knowing your limits. Clearly define what your boundaries are with strangers, colleagues, friends, family, intimate partners, you know, examine your past experiences where you felt maybe angry, discomfort, resentment with somebody, it may have been because your limits have been crossed. So really being mindful of where this comes from for you, okay? Be assertive. And again, being mindful of your delivery of this. Some of you need to be more assertive, some of you need to be softer in your assertiveness. But creating and stating boundaries is great, but it's the following through that counts and that makes all the difference. And the only way to truly alert others that your boundaries have been crossed is to be direct. Being assertive, especially if you are unaccustomed to doing so, can be really scary. So start small with something manageable and build up your assertive skill to larger tasks. Okay? Like if a server gets your order wrong at a restaurant, like ask her for what you actually ordered or you know, unwanted romantic people like in your DMs. Explain that you're not interested, right? Like starting with small things. Okay, Number three, practice makes perfect, right? Like I said, this is a muscle that takes time to build. And when you first start acting assertively, it is a departure from your habitual state. And you may be afraid that others will perceive you as mean or rude. But affirming your boundaries means that you value yourself and you're honoring yourself and your needs and your feelings more than the thoughts and opinions of others. And I'm telling you right now, if you are a parent, it is your responsibility to model this behavior for your children. Because if you have a hard time with boundaries, guess what's in your legacy? Children that don't know how to honor their boundaries as well. Being assertive doesn't mean that you're unkind. It only means that you're being fair and honest with them and yourself. And lastly, if all else fails, delete and ignore. Right? Voice your boundaries first, then follow with action. And as long as you have tied up loose ends and given the people in your life, family members, friends, ex partners or whoever, it may be closure from any promises you may have made, you no longer owe them any kind of explanation. You don't have to take over responsibility or over explain yourself one more day. Remind yourself of your own worth and that no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or take yourself to find space away from you. And they can't take anything that you don't kind of give them permission to. This is really hard to undo and it's necessary. And like I said, if this is something you have struggled with your whole life, I can't encourage you enough to get the help that you need with this. As a parent, as a business owner, as a husband or wife, as a partner in somebody's life, this is crucial and it will make any kind of intimate bonds you have stronger, better. And the teamwork that goes along with relationships, friendships, parenting, business partnerships, business relationships. This is where all the beautiful things and all the kinds of relationships you really desire for your life, you can't have them without healthy, strong, beautiful boundaries. And I would love to help you with that. If this is hitting home and you just are thinking like, oh shit, she's talking right to me. I want you to screenshot this episode right now. Share it, tag a friend, let me know, like where this hits you. Which boundary, which area? Do you have a hard time honoring boundaries? And honestly, I would be honored to take you through the journey so that you can have a boundary driven life, so that you can actually do all the things and have all the things that you desire and deserve to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. You can find me on Instagram at traceeomalley or if you know you're ready for the master's program and you're tired of this. Let me help you. It's my life's work and you can find that@traine O' Malley.com the work with me section. You guys, let's go into February kicking ass, taking names and laying down and honoring the boundaries. I'll see you next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your your life.