EP217: Love and the Enneagram—Navigating Your Romantic Partnership Using This Powerful Tool

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and.

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are in the month of love. And whether or not you like the holiday or the commercialization of all this shit doesn't matter. You know, February just brings up a lot of feelings around love. We're coming off the holidays, you know, January. January is like the highest month for divorce filings, which is not surprising seeing as how much time is spent together through the holiday season. A lot is very much exposed. But then we roll into February, which is the month of love. And I am just going to be really honest with you. If you've followed me for any length of time, know my story. I was married for 14 years and then I was divorced. And then I didn't date for a little bit. And then I started dating and then I got into a serious relationship, all while kind of going into the corporate America, the recession hitting. My coping mechanism's not great. And then I got sober. And after I got sober, the relationship I was in was doomed to fail and it run its course and all the things right. And then I spent seven years completely single, not one date in seven years. And it was about.

Maybe close to two years ago that I put the intention out into the world like I think I'm ready. And sure enough, be careful what you wish for. And the person for me that I am in a relationship with currently came rolling into my life and kind of hit me out of nowhere. And today I wanted to talk about navigating your love partnership with the Enneagram, because I'm going to take you through all three of those relationships. Those are the key three relationships in my life, ironically. One was in my 20s, one was in my 30s, and one is catching me on the tail end of my 40s. And how maybe understanding my partner's Enneagram type earlier might have helped things. Probably not. I didn't have the other coping mechanisms that are healthy today. But I want to share with you the importance of not only understanding yourself, but also how your partner processes, receives, understands love. And, you know, I was introduced to the love languages probably, probably around the time I was getting divorced, right? Like, I think that's when that book became popular. So this is like 14, 15 years ago that I remember at least the love languages coming out, you know, because there are so many different ways we can show our partners love. You know, you can go on the cute little picnic dates like, or quality time, physical touch, tight hugs, writing letters. But, you know, sometimes people don't always feel love as strongly as we think we're showing it. And that's because we see and receive love in different ways. You know, the love languages, which are specific ways that people want to give and receive love. That is really basic and really important, if you at least understand that. Really important. My love language 100% is quality time with, especially in love relationships, that is, number one. Number two is physical touch. I absolutely do not like words of affirmation or gifts. Like, I get very suspicious as an enneagram 8 makes a lot of sense. So, you know, when I am giving love, I have to understand who my partner is. Now, love languages is great, really important. But if you want to understand next level, kind of loving your partner best and also communicating the way you need to be loved best for you to feel confident and strong within that partnership. The enneagram is like the holy grail in that it really, really is. The enneagram kind of combines, you know, your soul calling, the divine nature, you know, and then nurture. And it's this perfect storm of who you are today and how you express the way that you love, the way that you lead all of the things. And I was thinking earlier today, and I'm really emotional, and I might get emotional because my current relationship is complicated in all the beautiful ways. And I'm so thankful not only for the enneagram, but the work I've done on myself over the last 22, especially 12 years, because this would have gone a completely different direction. And how I expressed what I needed wouldn't have gone as well as it has. But it had me thinking about the other two key romantic partnerships in my life. Because when I met my husband, I was 20 years old, and he was as well, where we were only six months apart. He is an enneagram7, a social enneagram7. So he pretty much is very avoidant. And I liked that as an Enneagram 8 because I could call the shots, right? As a young Enneagram 8, that wasn't maybe the healthiest. That allowed me to have some control and power over things. And he was like, sure, anything goes. And it worked really well for a little while. Honestly, it was like yin and yang. I can do what I wanted. He could have fun. He was a great daddy. You know, when the kids were little, it worked out great. And then responsibility hit and my resentment started to come into play. It's like, okay, enneagram7, I need you to reel it in and be a responsible grownup. And because I hadn't operated that way for a good 10 years, it was not going to happen. Not only that, the way that I expressed those needs was very emasculating, very aggressive, domineering like an unhealthy enneagram 8 would. And, you know, lo and behold, he ended up, you know, we were disconnected. You know, I own my partner. I was very emasculating and controlling, and he was disconnected, and we were disconnected. And he ended up, you know, doing some things outside the marriage that put the nail in the coffin. We had already dug the grave. This put the nail in the coffin. And I'm not like, condoning what he did or anything or making light of it, but it always takes two to have a breakdown in relationship. And looking back, had I understood his Enneagram sevenness and was a healthier version of my. Of myself, we probably would have never ended up together. But the way that. That we communicated might have gone a little bit differently. So then after my divorce, I end up in a relationship a couple years later. I think it was about four years after the split. I ended up in a relationship with a Virgo enneagram6. And he was about, you know, a decade or so younger than me, give or take a little bit there. And he was wonderful. He was a lot like my dad. And so a lot of my codependence really kicked into gear with that, you know, also coming off a recession and having to work in the corporate arena and being a mom to, you know, preteens and teenagers, it was. And it was passionate as hell. I mean, it was great as far as, like, certain things went. But knowing he's an enneagram 6 today, you know, when an enneagram 8 feels under a lot of stress, and that was probably the most stressful time of my life. And him being a little bit younger and maybe not as lived out in experience as I had, it really allowed me to escape, in a way. My seven Wing, in an unhealthy way, came out to play with him a lot. But when an enneagram 8 is under extreme stress, we take on what looks very similar to an enneagram5. Now, although I was still very aggressive and intense and domineering, the qualities of the enneagram5 that I started to display were very sneaky, evasive. I'm very evasive when I'm under stress because I'm trying to protect that vulnerability. And him being an enneagram 6, you can imagine the loyal skeptic Virgo in him. And that's when things would get explosive. And then, you know, throw in a pile of poor drinking decisions and drinking coping mechanisms and dysfunctional crap and codependency. There was a lot of fire there and not always good. And that relationship came to an explosive end at the very beginning of my understanding of this Enneagram. Would we have ever made it? No. No way. But I believe that everybody comes into our lives for a season, a reason, and a lifetime. And so for the next seven years, I really dug into who I was. And that's where a bulk of my education, integration, understanding, studying all my personal development, over a quarter of a million dollars in education and coaching and mentors and therapy, and, you name it, came into play. And for seven years, I really got to understand who I was and why I was the way I was in my dysfunction, you know, in owning my part in both those relationships and how I vowed to show up differently in partnership with men. But here's the thing. You can understand things all day long. We all understand what we need to do in the gym and with our food, but we really don't flex that muscle until we're in the gym actually working it. And it was about two years ago that I randomly met the man that I love today and kind of blindsided me. You know, I can kind of really scope out situations and figure things out. And I remember meeting him and my soul kind of knew it.

And I know a lot of you have asked about this relationship, and I haven't shared very much about it. And like I said, we're in it right now. And it's complicated for lots of beautiful reasons and lots of very challenging reasons. And it's very raw right now for both him and I in all the beautiful ways. And I remember when I met him, my soul kind of knew, like, holy shit, here we go. Here we go. It's time to put your money where your mouth is and execute everything that you've learned about yourself and you know, it started off very, very slow, thank goodness. And he was coming out of a long term marriage and him coming to terms with that and all sorts of children and things like that. And it started off very slow, which is what I needed and he obviously needed too. And we started kind of just getting to know each other. It wasn't romantic at all, at least verbally. We both kind of felt it, I think. Well, we did because we've talked about it, but we didn't ever speak about it for a couple months. We just kind of chit chatted and he'd asked me questions because he was following my social media and he was asking about the Enneagram. And it was really cool because I was like, well here, let me send you an assessment. And just like I tell all of you, they're inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. And his was too. But I remember getting his assessment back and I got it first, which was good. And I was thrilled because the top score was 2. The next one was 7 and the next one was 4. And if you know me, my family, I'm raising a two and a seven. I'm like, great, I know these two types. But as I got to talk to him more and you know, I didn't tell him anything. I was just kind of getting to know him more. And eventually he asked me what I think he is. And lo and behold, he's not a 2 or 7. But he actually is an Enneagram 4. A self preservation Enneagram 4, which looks very different than the typical Enneagram 4. He is also a Leo. So we're both fire signs and we are the two most intense types on the Enneagram. The Enneagram 4 is the most emotional, intuitive and I am the most intense energetically. And so you can imagine that that is very much a lot of fire. And I gotta say, all good. All really good fucking fire, I gotta say. But that's only because I have done so much work. But, but that being said, me understanding the ways of the four and kind of communicating with him, the ways of the eight have been very challenging. It has not been easy. No matter how real this is and how much I believe it's got huge possibilities. We both bring a lot of history to the table. We both are around the same age. So we've got five decades under our belts and a lot of histories and relationships and parent stuff and death and divorce and you know, a lot of moving parts. Even in the best of circumstances and even the best of matches. Because a lot of you ask me, like, what Enneagram types are most compatible together. And I will say this to be true, that any healthier growing Enneagram type will work well with the other, and your ability to communicate will go up the healthier you get. So lucky for me, being well versed in the Enneagram, I can communicate a lot better than I did a decade ago. It's like night and day, you know, and take out the fact that I don't drink anymore and I'm sober. Not just I don't drink. I have emotional sobriety that I don't act out the way that I used to or react the way that I used to. And there have been many times over the last two years, because this honestly is the most vulnerable I've ever been in a relationship, the most real I've ever been. The closest I've let anybody other than my bff, Tiffany and my children see. He has seen the most real parts of me. And that is scary as hell, because the Enneagram 8 is our biggest fear is being betrayed or violated. And you can imagine a romantic partnership, especially one that I've had to work through a lot of prior codependency around stuff with my dad, that we don't really get to flex and work on this muscle till you're in relationship. So it's in real time that I am really navigating that. But like I said, any healthier growing Enneagram type will work well with any other Enneagram type. Now, you both got to put in your work, right? And I get many of you, a lot of men, a lot of women, you know, some of you, it's a little unbalanced in the amount of growth and work that you've done. It doesn't mean that the other partner can't. They both got to be willing. That's number one, you know, saying, well, I've never been good at that or I've never done it that way. That might be true, but that's not going to work. And I gotta say, that's been one of the things that's been really, really hard. You know, obviously, not only do I teach this work and work it with thousands and thousands of other people over the last decade, but I've done my own. So being in a relationship with somebody that this is kind of new for, you know, there's gotta be some grace given, right? And there's a fine line between giving grace and codependency and enabling. And I've had to be radically Honest with myself, and also be mindful of my own, you know, unhealthier practices that can sneak in from time to time. Because here's the thing. We're all freaking human. And letting people see the most vulnerable parts of us. Whether you're married, in a relationship, just learning to date, just getting into the dating field, coming back from a divorce, whatever, you know, whatever that looks like for you, you're a single parent. There's all these moving parts. You're human. And whenever your biggest fear is kind of being scratched a little bit, it will bring out the parts in you that maybe are to protect yourself. And those aren't always really great and effective things in a relationship. Right. So back to where I'm at in my relationship. He's an Enneagram 4. Like I said, the Enneagram 4. When they're under stress, they can be a little extra emotional. They also withdraw. So this is the biggest conflict between a 4 and an 8. The intensity is matched. He's never freaked out by my level of intensity. Hallelujah. He is never freaked out by it. He isn't as freaked out by.

My five cave that I go into from time to time when I retreat. I mean, he feels it intuitively, maybe doesn't like it, but doesn't like white knuckle me or force me to be over the top in it. But that being said, a 4 can withdraw, and an 8 is a more assertive type. Right? So when an 8 is starting to feel like, okay, it's time to make things happen, when an eight makes their mind up, and when an eight is like, okay, I'm going to be vulnerable, we can be a little aggressive and assertive. And when you're dealing with a four, that needs to kind of pull back and process, it's where this whole thing can happen, this whole dynamic where when an 8 can feel the withdrawal happening, it's like betrayal and violation is coming. And so then I go shut down. And then the biggest fear of a four is abandonment. And so when I go to my five cave, it can create this distance. But thankfully, because I understand what's happening, I know it's not personal. And yet it does feel personal. And that is the thing with the Enneagram is when you understand your partner and yourself, when things feel really personal, that's usually when we start to attack. When we emasculate or try to control, you know, men. I'm talking to you guys too, like, or you withdraw or just shut down, and then it creates more problems. It has Been life changing. It doesn't mean it's easy. Just because you understand each other's enneagram type and even know how to integrate it, it doesn't mean it's always easy. Because life does happen. Stuff comes up and it's how you navigate that that really allows you to have healthy communication. And it was not too long ago that I had to have a real heart to heart with my guy. You know, there were certain things that were making me feel not validated in a way. Not that I need the external validation, but where I needed to feel like it was an even vulnerability exchange. And I crave partnership in a certain way. And it was really, really hard to ask for what I needed and not just take over. Because as an enneagram8, I can make shit happen anytime I want. But that can also be emasculating and controlling. And letting people figure crap out on their own is really, really important. But at the same time, I risk feeling that abandonment and betrayal and it's really, really, really hard. And when you're dealing with a partner that, you know, processes and deals with things different, even though I know it's not personal and it still feels personal, how you navigate that and protect not just your heart, but honor your partner as a human being. Because I do love him and I do care deeply for him. And I want to make sure that however I communicate is with respect. Even when I'm hurting and even when I'm frustrated and even when I'm mad and. And even when I feel like I don't know if I can do this anymore. To always speak with respect and kindness and grace. I'm really grateful for that. And I don't know if I could have done that without the enneagram and also sobriety. Because even if I wasn't actively drinking, even if I had that to lean in to, I would be a hot mess. But I wanted to share a little bit into my life and how this works. I still don't know what's going to end up with our relationship. You know, it's one day at a time. I do believe it can go the distance. I really, really do. He's amazing. He makes me feel things that I've never allowed myself to feel many, many times. My heart feels very nurtured and safe with him. The four, after all, is the romantic, which feels really freaking great a lot of times. Very passionate. We both love a lot of the same things. He's an amazing dad. And it's still really hard. You know, we can check Each other's boxes. I check every box for him. He checks most of them for mine. And, you know, even that being said, you still have to navigate the really hard parts. You can't just sweep stuff under the rug because all the boxes are checked. And I think a lot of you are in relationships. And I'm not judging it because I've done it. I'm navigating that as we speak. That, you know, just because on paper or in the boxes, it all looks great. It doesn't mean it's always going to work if you both aren't on the same page with how and how effectively you communicate. And I wanted to share that with you because the enneagram is a powerful tool in navigating romantic partnerships, whether it's same sex, male, female, whatever. It's really, really important. And I wanted to, on this day let you know that I have started taking couples. I'm doing couple enneagram sessions. They are minutes long. You both will be typed properly, and I will bring you both together with me on a zoom, and I will give you a beautiful couples report and give you really effective tools in order to better speak, communicate, embody love for each other. Because there's nothing worse than really having the good intention and the right intention, you know. And with my guy, his intention is never to hurt me. I never for a moment do I ever feel like even when I get hurt is intentional. And it never is. He's the most beautiful freaking man ever to me. He treats me so beautifully as far as that goes, right? But there is something so frustrating when you know that your intention and heart is in the right place, but the way that it's being interpreted or received isn't landing the way that you intend. And when it happens, frustration can lie and defensiveness can happen. And really coming into couples session with me and me breaking down each of your enneagram types and giving you both tools of what this looks like when your partner doesn't feel seen, heard, and understood and how to navigate that life freaking changing, I'm telling you. And I've had many, many people, sometimes the husband, sometimes the wife, Because I work with a lot of individuals of, you know, both sexes. And once you kind of understand your own enneagram type, the first thing you really want to understand is your partner. And I will say this, that I don't want you to spring this on your husband or wife or partner or romantic love. I really, really don't. If they're not on board for it, because if they feel like it's being forced or we're going to psychoanalyze them. It will not work and you kind of miss the boat. You know, what I'll usually say is embody who you are at your best and they'll quite honestly get really, really curious. Now, if you know your partner for a fact would be down for something like this, I highly encourage you to book that enneagram session. You will have to reach out to me. You can email me at info tracie o'malley.com you can put in the subject line couples Enneagram. Or you can just hit me up on my DMs, on Instagram, @tracy underscore O' Malley or on Facebook. You can slide into my DMs. I'll have to give you a link because I haven't updated the website yet because my website sucks still. I'm still working on that. And I will give you a couples discount. I will give you $50 off that special in the month of February. So between now, when you are hearing this episode and the end of February, you will get $50 off what a typical couples session would be. It's 90 minutes. Me, you and your lover, breaking down each of you by enneagram type. And really bringing the two of you together so that you can feel more connection, more pass. Telling you when you're. When your partner feels seen, heard, understood, valued, respected, loved. Let me tell you, the bedroom gets a hell of a lot better too. And the way that you parent together and the way that you explore life together, everything for the better, everything changes for the better. So again, reach out to me. I would be honored to, you know, dive in. I've done a few couples interviews and I'll be highlighting those in this month that I've done. I will be bringing more couple interviews to you based on enneagram type. And who knows, depending on where my relationship goes, maybe one day I will bring him on. We've joked about it before. He's like, hell no. But he's a pretty charismatic guy. We'll see where this goes. It's in God's hands at this point. You know, you can only do what you can do. You can only really respond in your own way. And, you know, I know that God's got a plan for this relationship and we're both growing in it in beautiful and hard ways. And, you know, the old me would have really tried to force it and try to avoid this fear of vulnerability at all costs. I've never been more vulnerable in my life. In a relationship. And it's the scariest thing I've ever done, but also the most filled up I've ever been in a romantic partnership. And that's really, really scary for me to say because if it doesn't work, it's like, oh my gosh, what does that mean? Am I just meant to be alone? And I truly know that whatever God's plan is for me and my relationship and you and yours, the best shot we have at the healthiest kind of love is to first lead ourselves and honor ourselves and then bring that into the people that we love. And especially that person that you're choosing to walk alongside life with. Whether it's the marriage or just conscious coupling or parenthood or whatever that looks like for you and your dynamic same sex, opposite sex discriminate. Love is love in my book and I believe that we are all here to learn about ourselves through the relationships we have with other people and I would love to take you on that journey. So if you want your Couples Enneagram session, hit me up again. It will be $50 off through the month of February. Hit me up on Instagram tracyomalley or email me directly at inforacyomalley.com in the subject line Put Couples Enneagram and we will guide you from there. Oh my goodness. I would love to know what you know and feel about love and the Enneagram screenshot this Give me all the deets or if you have ideas for this month and what you would like to hear more about in regards to partnerships and love and Enneagram, I will be happy to share more with you. And until next time, here's to helping you become the ultimate leader in your life and in love.

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