EP232: The Top 10 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years!

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Hello and welcome to a special edition of the Leadership Formula podcast. You guys, it's a big week. Your girl is turning 50 in three days. Can you even believe that? Seriously, it blows my mind. I don't know about you, but don't you remember when your parents were 50 and it was like, Jesus, like, you're so old. I know some of you even listening right now may not even have parents that old, which is totally, totally cool. And I think that age is just a number. You know, I have maybe even talked about on previous episodes around my birthday, and there's a lot of trauma around my birthday. And if I haven't, I'll probably share that in another episode because I've really done a lot of work therapy. I've even done EMDR therapy around my birthday. So the fact that I'm even doing a special edition around my birthday is a big deal. Age is just a number. You know, where you've been and the things you've been through don't have to define you. You can use them to refine you. And that is what this beautiful, beautiful episode is all about. And I'm going to give you the top 10 things I have learned in 50 years. Because you know what? I do a lot of work with people and I know so many of you are incredible coaches and mentors out there, and that is amazing. And there is something about experience and wisdom that you can't take a certification for. You can't get an education for. It is only through the PhD degree called Life. And you know, it is one, one of the main reasons I think I'm so sought after as a coach and mentor because that this experience doesn't lie. And I thought I'd bring you the top 10 things that really, I've had to learn the hard way a lot of times. But also, this is like my COD of life and how I Operate. So I thought I'd share them with you. You guys, I just want to thank you for, gosh, well over 200 episodes, two and a half years of this podcast, and 10 years in the online space. As somebody who has built a business online, I seriously could not do what I do without you. And you all are the greatest gift of all to me. So I just want to thank you very much. This is, you know, a few days shy of turning 50. You know, I've got children that are in their mid-20s. You know, both of them are at ages where they were born. For me, like, seriously, it's crazy to think about all the experience and life that I have packed into an amazing 50 years. And I've said this to be true. I couldn't have said this at my 40th birthday, but at my 50th birthday, I can honestly tell you that if I was to be called home to the big pearly gates upstairs, I know that I have left no stone unturned and I have no regrets. And I think a lot of that is through what I'm about to share with you. So let's get into the top 10 things I have learned in 50 years. Number one, no is a complete sentence. Now, I'm an enneagram 8. I'm Aries, I'm Irish. And so, you know, this girl likes to fight and I like to kind of flex a little bit. And, you know, there were some areas in my life, and it started with my dad, that my people pleasing tendencies and my codependency kicked in, honestly, and through my romantic partnerships. But when we need, we all need them. Healthy, strong boundaries, they don't have to come with an argument or a fight, right? Or with suppressing yourself, right? When we say no and we feel the need to explain, it's usually because we're trying to soften a blow. We're trying to still find significance through that other person's validation. We're trying to have certainty that they're not going to lose their shit on us. One of the number one things that I have not only learned myself, but taught thousands of you is that no is a complete sentence. And especially for all my enneagram twos and nines out there who tend to really want to soften the blow, whether it's for the need of harmony or the need of significance through being loved by what we do for others. When you tell somebody no, you don't have to explain yourself, right? And if we start to explain your. Especially if you start to explain yourself to somebody like me, I'm going to automatically assume you're lying. An enneagram8 thing I think for sure. But when you say no, that's not going to work for me, that really is doing a soul honoring thing. When we start to explain ourselves or go into a whole rhetoric or start to, you know, get our nervous system up in a roar, your healing won't begin. You're just like kicking the can down the street. What else this teaches not just yourself and your nervous system, but other people is that you have boundaries. Now there are people in your life that will not like it and you'll have to fight the urge because they're going to move on to somebody's boundaries that they can blow through a lot of times. And you'll have to resist the need or the feeling that you need to feel valid. You don't want fomo or do you want to heal and have freedom and to feel honor and respect in your body? No is a complete sentence. My favorite phrase, nope, that's not going to work for me. And if they ask you why, you just say, because it's not going to work for me. You're welcome. This will change your freaking life. Especially my Enneagram twos in nights. Number two, not every battle is yours to fight. Okay, again, enneagram8 almost 100% Irish Aries. I love to fight. I was born to fight. I love to fight. I eat intensity for breakfast. And just because I can win a battle doesn't mean I should fight. Right? A lot more of my wins have come in the quiet discernment of walking away, of not saying a damn thing. Just because you can fight it or you want to prove yourself right doesn't mean you should for two reasons. Number one, you have to discern whether the person on the receiving end has an open mind, will take their own personal accountability into consideration and can see both sides of the equation. Okay, that's number one. If you just only lean into that, you will see that quite often you have wasted a lot of energy. That isn't yours to waste. It is seriously selling yourself short. And then you can't fight the things that you really need to if you have completely depleted yourself. The number two reason why not every battle is yours to fight. And just because you can doesn't mean you should. Is a lot of times when you start fighting for things that aren't yours to fight, you enable other people to stay stuck. And if you are a person that wants to make an impact, whether it's in Your own children's lives, a spouse, a friend, a client. If you fight these battles for them, you are handcuffing and enabling the very people that you love and lead. It's hard to watch sometimes when you can see very clearly what they need to go into battle. But not every battle is yours to fight. All right, number three. Less is more. Less people, less things, not less places. I think that adventure and play in life is really important, but less people and less things, definitely. The older I get, the smaller the circle gets. You know, two years ago, it was about at 6. Now it's about at a 4, quite honestly. And it doesn't mean that anybody has done anything wrong, which I will take you to the next number four in a second. But anything that takes up space in our environment, in our soul, we're going to miss miracles that are right in front of us. And our time is limited. And when we feel like we are spread very thin, we will never do anything great. And that means your marriage, your partnership, your friendships, your. Your relationship with your children, your financial wall, your business, your clients. When we spread ourselves too thin, we will not hit the mark on anything. So less is more so that you can pour into the things that really matter most. And, you know, I've watched the two most important people in my life die at their bedside, and I guarantee all they wanted was more time. That's it. And there were a lot of things in their life that they probably would have not put so much importance on. To have less for it to mean more. Which takes me to number four. Season, Reason, Lifetime. It's a beautiful poem. If you haven't read it, just Google Season, Reason, Lifetime. It'll pop right up. And this kind of ties in with number three. It's knowing that, you know, the people, the things in our life sometimes are for a season, sometimes they're here for a reason. And there's very, very few things that are here for a lifetime in your life. And once you can really understand, and this is where discernment and self awareness and why I love the enneagram so much, is knowing that, you know, some of the relationships in your life, some have lasted maybe five minutes, some a year, sometimes I've had relationships 30 years that have run their course in a very long season. And although sometimes it feels personal, whether it's their doing or, you know, on my part, it feels personal when they're ending because you've invested so much time, effort, love, whatever you've invested into it for it to end. But I also Know that on the end of that season comes another one. And in new seasons bring new things and new awarenesses and new sensations to your life, right? It's still really hard. It's still really hard, you know, to know that sometimes things have run its course. And then sometimes people, places, things come in for a reason. You know, when you had a great love or a great experience with, you know, somebody or something, and then it's all of a sudden gone. Whether it's through death, divorce, an ending of a relationship, a rise and fall, whatever that is, it's always here to teach us something. Sometimes it's something really, really important to have gratitude and to change our perspective. And sometimes it has to rattle us so hard that we have to change some things, right? People don't change unless the pain is great enough. And sometimes a reason, somebody leaves or somebody dies or something bad happens. Sometimes it's the very thing that is the catalyst for your greatest victory. And if you are just following along. In my life, most of you only know me the last 10 years. If you had seen me before the age of 40, there were a lot of reasons that happened in my life, and I didn't always get the lesson, and they kept repeating until I did, right? My biggest pains have come to show me how I can grow the most. And, you know, a lot of that wisdom I have passed on to you. It doesn't mean it's fun while you're in it. It doesn't mean that it will be without pain or without some wreckage left behind. But there is always a lesson in the reason and then the lifetime. There are very, very, very, very few people in my life today, honestly, that are lifetime people. And the only two, quite honestly, were my children. They're the only ones that from beginning to end, will be lifetime people. The close inner circle that I have today, honestly, I met them all in the last five years, and if I hadn't made room for them and done the healing when I was going through the seasons and the reasons, I would have never found the miracles in my lifetime people. So check out that poem. It's fantastic. All right, Number five. Walls don't work. This is my reoccurring lesson. This is probably the one that I need at the front of the list all the time. Enneagram Eights don't like to be vulnerable, and walls don't work because they block out and keep you safe. Absolutely. The walls will absolutely keep out the pain, keep out the bad people, keep out the bad experiences, but they also block out the Beauty. They block out the love, the blessings, all the juicy parts of life that, you know, some of the hard vulnerabilities are here to teach us, to show us, to show us what we're made of. We can't do that behind walls. You know, I've talked about standing on the front line of your life, you know, in becoming bulletproof. It is one of the things I passionately, passionately do. And leaders go first and blaze your own trail. You can't do any of that behind walls, so walls don't work. Number six, family isn't just blood. This one is probably the hardest one for me, quite honestly. And if any of my family, my blood family is listening today, other than my kids, I understand. I do. The family of origin that we come from, I'm so grateful for it. I love being an o'. Malley. I love it. I love my feisty, Irish, passionate blood. And I love all the people in it, even the ones that have really, really hurt me. And just because they're family doesn't mean I have to take their shit, right? Or take their judgment or take their pain or their projections or anything. It doesn't mean I love them any less. But really honoring my own boundaries and the little girl that lived through a lot of it and not putting her in the line of fire anymore is an honoring move. And, you know, there are times that social media really can do a number on me when I see, you know, families that are getting together. And I was one of those families. Like, I used to really hang with a lot of my family, and I love them so much. I do. But where I've grown, sometimes they don't get it. And I understand that. But if I really was driven by what they thought of me or the things that they said about me or thought about me or whatever, I would have stayed stuck, and I wouldn't be here to make and repair and break generational things for my children. And I wouldn't be here the way that I can show up for each and every one of you. Now, some of you might be thinking, wow, that's pretty cold. And some of my family might even think that, too. But at the end of my day, if I am laying on a deathbed and each of my children are on either side of me, I want them to know that I never had a regret. I love my family. I love the o' Malley family. I love the other side of the family. I love family, you know, And I married into a beautiful family. I really, really did. So it isn't Always just about blood. I have people in my life that would take a bullet for me. And if I die, somebody who is not blood related to me handles everything. So don't discount that. And just because you are blood related doesn't mean you have to stay in a situation or a place or an environment that won't flourish and won't grow. All right, number seven, give out what you want back. So this one is also very challenging for me, even though I can give love and all of that, you know, especially in my friendships and, you know, my romantic partnership, you know, being vulnerable is very, very hard for me. It is even the people that I trust with my life. But if I want them to be vulnerable with me, guess what? There has to be this even energy and vulnerability exchange. So, you know, if you are in a relationship, whether it's a friendship, partnership, or even a relationship with your children or business partners, you know, you have to put out what you want to come back. And like, I'm going to keep saying this, leaders go first. And if you're saying and keeping score like I used to, and if you are one of those people that keeps a lot of freaking score, you're missing the mark. You're missing the mark. You have to do this without conditions. Now, this will also reveal maybe who shouldn't be in your life anymore, right? And then you're going to have to make a hard decision there. But with the people that you want in your life, you have to unconditionally be committed to giving what you want in return without a contingency plan. Like, if I'm going to be vulnerable with the man I love or my best friend, I can't be doing it just to get that in return. That's not an even energy exchange. That's a contingency plan. So put out in the world what you want in return. All right? Number eight. Wift W I F T. What's in it for them? This is the gift of the enneagram. What's in it for them? What's in it for them? And this is the art of communication. I know how to communicate in my Enneagram eight way. My feistiness. I know what's in it for me. And I want to, you know, have strength and power and all the things that an 8 just loves, right? But that wift what's in it for them in communication will always, always win, right? So whenever I'm talking to a client, a child of mine, a friend, my boyfriend, whatever, I'm always thinking, what's in it for them? What's in it for them? How can I communicate in a way that they understand what's on my heart and they can see what's in it for them? Because we're all human, and we always think, like, how is this going to hurt me? Is this. Is this scary? You know, what's in it for me is kind of how we think, because we're human beings, and that's how we were born into this world, right? But if you start communicating in a way with what's in it for them, you will realize that you have more intimacy, more connection, and even vulnerability and energy exchange. You will grow together instead of apart. Wift is the masterful piece, and it's the gift of the Enneagram, and that's why I'm so passionate about teaching it to so many of you. If you don't know your Enneagram type and you want to spend 90 minutes with me to break down, I'll teach you WFT. I'll teach you WFT in those. Those relationships in your life. You can go to traciomalley.com the work with me section. Just click on the Enneagram kickstart session. It'll change your freaking life. It's why I'm so passionate for the last 10 years in not just integrating and understanding the Enneagram in my life, for my children, my relationships, my businesses, but also I will go to the ends of the earth to teach it all to you, because it is that powerful. Number nine. More play equals more money. This is really, really hard for me. And there are some of you, all my Enneagram sevens. You guys are like, fuck, yeah, let's just do it. Like, okay, but, like, very intentional play. Intentional play. This one's hard for me. Even though I have a 7 wing, as an enneagram 8, I learned early on in life that if I played that was putting up a vulnerability that I would. I could get hurt, whatever that looked like. Okay. But the more that I just kind of surrender, you know, just the grind, the work, the powering through, honestly, that doesn't equal more money or more happiness. It just puts more walls up around you, and you miss miracles right in front of you. The more that I. And the more that you are able to tap into that childlike innocence, the more creativity, the more abundance, the more connection, the more attraction of the right people, places, and things in your life will happen, which will equal more money. All right? And finally, finally, and this is honestly, if you've been listening to me or you're just coming across me. I will say this. The work is not done until you're dead. We're in this personal development space. It's what I do day in and day out. And I know there's like this addiction to more information, but it's the integration where the real magic happens. And, you know, just because you've hired me, maybe, or you've hired another coach or took a course or, you know, got a certificate, education, or you have master's degrees upon master's degree, maybe you're even a doctor. I work with several doctors and psychiatrists and all the things. The work, in quotes, is not done until you're dead. Until you take your final breath here on Earth, there will be more to uncover. And it doesn't mean you didn't do the work properly the first time. It's just more is to be revealed. It's one of the things that I learned in recovery and, and it's probably, you know, help me surrender to the process every day and to understand that just because we find a breakthrough and we have growth, it doesn't mean that we're not going to come across roadblocks. And it doesn't mean that we didn't do the work properly the first time or we didn't do it right. It just means honestly that you weren't ready for this next level of growth. There was a layer hiding underneath there that you couldn't uncover until you pulled off the other wreckage on top of it and cleared the way. Right? There will be layers upon layers upon layers. I'm confident until I take my last breath on Earth that will reveal more, will be revealed on next levels of growth, new levels of love, new passions that I explore. We are not done until we're dead. And that is honestly, watching people take their last breath on earth reminds me of that. And, you know, being humble enough to know I don't have it all figured out, I really, really don't. But I'm here for it. I'm here for it even when it's uncomfortable, even when I'm so frickin tired of like, are you kidding me? Like, there's another layer to this shit. Yes, there is. And if you are one of those that is committed to saying, hey, I want to grow myself, I'm here for it, or if you're a personal development podcast junkie, you are all about it, then you have to make that unconditional commitment to understanding that the layers are deep until you die. And I am not saying it's Fun. I'm not saying it's not exhausting, but I can tell you this. There are miracles waiting around every turn and under every layer. It will allow you to love in ways that you never thought possible. It will allow you to be loved in ways you never thought possible. It will open up new doors and opportunities that before you might have shut the doors on. So stay committed to the work until you're dead. Hard to believe 50 years have gone by. I'm here for as long as God will keep me here on earth to learn and pay forward the lessons that I have learned along the way, through my experiences, through my own education, through the integration of the Enneagram. I'm passionate about, you know, helping so many of you find your way, light the path so that you can get quicker and experience more beautiful gifts and lessons in your life. If you are being drawn maybe to this podcast, to me in general, know that it is my life's work to work a journey alongside of you. I love it. It is. I'm fired up every day to do this work with you, and alongside of you, I do one on one coaching that is very intense. It's like this, all of this on steroids. And if these 10 things really screamed out to you and you like the Master's program in that, I encourage you right now to fill out an application to do one on one coaching with me. I only take a few people at a time and I am finishing up with a few clients, so I have a few spots open. You know, you know that you're. You're done. You're done doing shit the way that you've always done, expecting something different. That's not how it works. That's insanity. Let me be the last coach you hire. Quite honestly, I will give you the tools in the toolbox to make all 10 of these things your code, your mission, and your ability to pay this forward, whether it's in your own legacy, in your family, or into every person that you love and lead along the way in this journey called life. I'm so grateful for the 50 years I have never been more proud in my life of a birthday, even though I'm still doing the work around the. The pain that came with my birth and my birthday. You know, I can hold in the same space, you know, grief and sorrow and joy and gratitude. They're both, I'm holding space for both of them this week. There's a lot. There's a lot there around that. But I'm here for all of it and I want to show each and every one of you that you can do the same. You guys, thank you for following along. For loving me as I figure my my shit out too. You are the greatest mirrors and the greatest teachers in my life and for that I am forever grateful. Share this episode with somebody that maybe you think needs to hear this or your community. Anybody that you think would benefit from this beautiful message or this beautiful show. It would mean everything to me. And if you really get a lot out of it, leaving a review or some stars will allow more people to be aware of what we're doing over here. On the Leadership Formula, I will always help you try to become the ultimate leader in your life. And until next time, you guys, thanks for following along.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.