EP233: What is the one thing you know to be true, but you have spent a lifetime trying to prove that it is not...

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to the Leadership Formula podcast. I am your host, Tracy o', Malley. And you know, I resist recording solo episodes. I really believe that sometimes you're sick of my voice as much as I am. And then there are moments that I cannot wait to hit record. And it's usually when your girl here is going through it. I'm a little bit different than most. I think most people don't want to talk when they're going through it. I tend to want to do the opposite. And in the past, there have been times that I wanted to do that because it was a way to kind of bypass my pain. Right. Like being of service to others. There's this fine line, and I'm always taking my own inventory. I have to, you know, check myself all the time. You know, ego can come in and it can be sneaky and protective. Ego isn't always bad, Right. We tend to place ego in this naughty little corner, and most of the time, the way it's used is in a naughty way. Right. It's kind of like edging God out or edging the good out. But sometimes it is very protective. Right? That's why we have it. But in recording this episode, it's been weighing on my heart. I had written the notes for this episode probably a week ago, and I just wasn't there yet. I keep a running list of ideas, and I'm one of those that can't plan my shit. I'm very instinctual. It's one of my gifts. And also gets my ass up against the wall sometimes. But this episode, I think is going to be very valuable because I'm raw. I'm in the middle of some stuff that is really testing this. And I'm checking my own inventory every hour on the hour to make sure that my motives in my decision making and my action taking or lack of action taking is for all the right reason and not coming from a place of protection or ego or sabotage or any of the other things that we kind of block our blessings with. Right? We want something and then we do the very opposite to make that happen. Because of fear, because of evidence that we've had in the past. False evidence appearing real. That's the acronym for fear.

I'm in a mastermind. I've been in one for five years now. I'm one of those that kind of has to pay to put myself in a room. Not because I'm not capable, but because I am so introverted. I literally could lock myself in this beautiful sanctuary that I have built out here in Gilbert, Arizona. Sitting on an acre property, I have everything that my house could ever want, desire, need. Every room feels cozy. The energy is beautiful here. It was built on a beautiful foundation emotionally, spiritually and financially. And that can get kind of tricky for me because I literally could stay here forever. So five years ago, I put myself into rooms, and I paid a hefty price to do that because I would blow it off otherwise. I can justify my own shit and come up with every excuse, why not? And so I haven't always paid to put myself in rooms, but that one's a hefty price tag. And they challenge me every single year. But the last two years, specifically this group, has been life changing for me. The more vulnerable I'm willing to get, the more work I do on myself, the more that I use this beautiful discernment that I have that you know what, I have the right people around me. I just have to lean in. You know, I got here, you know, the very thing that I was desiring has shown up. And just because it shows up doesn't mean it automatically makes miracles happen. You have to put in your part. You have to keep your side of the street kind of in order and do your part. And I think that's the problem a lot of times in personal development or even when you hire a coach, like, I freaking am a miracle worker. I can do some great things with you, but you have to pull your weight too. And I'm no different. I'm no different. And so the last two years, I've really evolved as a human in my own vulnerability. I've always had the skillset and the work ethic and the like, get shit done part of me, that's not an issue for me. It's the vulnerability piece that I struggle with. And I can really enter rooms like that. Even the most powerful of rooms. I mean, most everybody in that room is making a million dollars or more so powerful people who know their shit. Young, older. I'm the oldest in the room, which is funny, but, you know, everybody has success under their belt. And I can very easily slip into the role of, you know, mom, Mama, T, the rock. You know, I'm the Enneagram expert that can see through people's souls. And I could really let that kind of be my role. And I have to be very mindful that it's okay for me to give, give, give, give. I do that a lot. I tend to be an over giver in everything I do. Most of the time from the goodness of my heart. But on occasion, checking my own inventory, there's an element of me that does it to prove how strong I am, right? Like I need reassurance not to anybody else, but within myself that I am the rock. Hello, enneagram8. It is who I am. And I will always kind of be motivated by being strong. That is my go to. But there's this element, especially when it comes to intimacy and connection, whether it's professionally or even personally, that there has to be this even energy exchange. And the last few years, I've committed to not just being a giver and a solid foundation and a rock for not just the children that I have been raising for 25 years, but the people that I have in my life. The real intimacy happens when you allow yourself to receive from others. And I struggle with to this day, I really have a hard time with it. And I'm constantly a work in progress. And so the title of this episode, if you read it, is what's the one thing you know to be true? Like, you know it in your whole soul to be true. You've seen evidence, you've watched others do it, but you've spent a whole life trying to prove it's not that you think you're some kind of unique person. I remember when I went into rehab, you know, I thought I was the only one that had the problems that I did. I was the only one that drank the way I did. I was the only one that grew up with the shit show that I did. And then you realize when you open up vulnerably that we are all very much alike in more ways than you believe. And when we reveal our truth and reveal vulnerably and having the discernment to know when and where and with whom are the safe people to do this with. When we are willing to reveal the very things that we're afraid of, that is when the healing begins. And in the Mastermind two weeks ago, I was listening to one of the speakers. It is Ali Webb. All my ladies know who Ali Webb is. She is the founder, creator of Drybar and she has a few more businesses under her belt. But she is now engaged. She went through a divorce. She's engaged to this amazing person who I would guess is probably an enneagram 8. It was like the male version of me and the healed male version of me, the softer part. And some of the things he was talking about, like, okay, he's speaking my language. I like this. And he was the one that brought up this question, what's the one thing you know to be true, but you've spent a whole life trying to prove it's not? And it had me thinking about the Enneagram types because it usually falls into, you know, whatever the biggest fear is based on your Enneagram type. That's where it lies. And you know, that question. Then we broke off into groups and we're kind of breaking it down. And for me, it will always be avoiding showing vulnerability. Because the biggest fear for an enneagram 8 is being betrayed, violated, or being put in a situation where they are vulnerable. It's why I do not rely on anyone. It's a gift because I am very independent and self sufficient. But it's also my downfall because you can guess why. So, you know, as we were going around the groups and people were revealing things and because I know everybody's Enneagram type very, very well, at least most of them, you know, there were some newer people there that I hadn't gotten to know yet. People would ask me, what do you think it is for me? Because like I said, these are multimillion dollar earners. They are people that, you know, walk their talk in all they do. They're an amazing amount of human beings. But we all have something. You guys have listened to my previous episodes where I say, the work is not done till you're dead. You know, there's going to be a new layer, especially when you're putting yourself in big scary rooms with people that, you know, you're not the smartest person in the room. And I highly recommend that that's how you grow and get uncomfortable. But we all have stuff. And, you know, some of the things that have allowed you to have success, myself included, are the very things that will put a halt to it as well. And so as we were going around and some of the people that I've been friends with and partners with for Many, many years now. You know, they came to me and were asking me, what do you think it is for me? And because I kind of know their Enneagram type, I could kind of pinpoint into where their fear is. And then we can dissect that a little bit more. And also, you know, knowing their subtypes, which if you don't know what the subtypes are on the Enneagram, I highly encourage you to go back and listen. I just finished a series on the subtypes of the Enneagram because that will show another layer of where your fears lie. It's one thing to know I'm an enneagram8 and that I afraid of showing vulnerability and being betrayed and violated. I'm also a one on one eight, which means I crave intensity of experience. And it's also the very thing that I'm afraid of. Right. Possession is my key in that subtype of the 8. And so I was able to pinpoint, you know, the very thing I desire and crave the most is the very thing I'm also the most afraid of, which is connection, intimacy, and intense emotional experiences. And so I saw very clearly. I know what it is. And I've known this. I'm very emotional today because I'm going through some stuff in my personal life. My birthday, you know, by the time this airs, my birthday will have passed. But my birthday has always been a very hard time for me. Not because of aging, not because of. I mean, I have severe trauma around my birthday. Like, so much so that I'm in therapy and doing EMDR around my birth. Like, it's not just I'm uncomfortable kind of thing. It is a visceral cellular response that I have. And, you know, that's in a few days when I'm recording this. So when that came around, that question came around to me. I know. I know very much what it is I believe, what I know to be true is that I can't have the intimacy, connection, and success. I. If I have walls up, the walls don't just keep out the painful things and the vulnerability and the betrayal. They also keep out the gifts and the blessings and the miracles that happen. You can't have one without the other. And I've known this my whole life. I see it. I see evidence of it all the time. I know this in my whole being. We are not meant to do this life alone. Yet I have spent 50 years proving, trying to prove that I don't need fucking anyone. I don't need another soul in My life. In fact, the words came out of my mouth this week. Other than my two children, everything else and everyone in my life is disposable. And that's true. But there can be an energy around that that will block blessings in my life. And so I wanted to kind of touch on this for each of you. You know the Enneagram One, the biggest fear is not being good or right. You know, they don't want to make mistakes. They're called the perfectionist for a reason. Sometimes at enneagram1, they know that mistakes is where, you know, the magic happens. And some of the biggest mistakes create the biggest beautiful blessings. Like, I know every Enneagram One knows this in their brain, and yet their biggest fear is that that's not true. They feel like, oh, my gosh, if they're not great, then they're terrible, or if they're not right, then they're wrong. And so for my Enneagram Ones, I really want you to kind of, like, sit with that and look for evidence that it's true. Cause I'm seeking it, too. For my Enneagram Twos, you know your biggest fear is not being appreciated or loved. And so you know. You know that taking care of yourself and. And, okay, on occasion, filling your cup up first is so important for you to be your very best for other people and to serve and help at the highest level. You have to be filled up. It'd be like running a car without gas in it. You can't. It can't do what it does best without with a dry engine and a dry tank. Right? I know my Enneagram Twos know this. I know you know this. Yet you will seek out people and things that you can put yourself behind to prove that that isn't true. My Enneagram Threes, you know your biggest fear is not being the best or being admired or. Yeah, you. You want results. You want recognition. And even though I know you know this in your heart, my threes know that, like, their worth is not tied in what they do and what they achieve. I know you know this because you've read the books, you're listening to this podcast. You know that to be true. Yet you have spent a lifetime. You have spent a lifetime trying to prove that it's not my Enneagram Fours. You know your biggest fear is not being authentic or unique. You don't want to be basic, right? And you know that all you have to do is be you, whatever that looks like today. But sometimes that enneagram4 will try to reinvent themselves. Or they'll seek out new experiences because they think maybe something's missing in them. You believe maybe something is missing in you. You know there's not. But you've. You've set out your life to prove that, like, something is missing in me. And so then you can be a little dramatic and blow up your life or whatever that looks like. Right? My Enneagram Fives, Their biggest fear is not being equipped or capable. And you know that, like, instinct and intuition is important. And sometimes, you know there's joy in the journey. Like, I know you know this. My Fives. You know this up in your brain. You might even be saying these mantras and meditating around it. Yet what do you find yourself doing? Gathering more information. Building stronger cases. I just need to know more. I just need to know more. I just need to know more. And then what do you end up with? So stuck and nothing happens. My enneagram6 is your biggest fear is not being supported or prepared. And so you know. Same thing with the Fives. Like, sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. Like, you can't know every step of the way. You know, faith is taking steps forward without seeing the path in front of you sometimes. And I know I'm very close with lots of Sixes. I know you know this, and I know you meditate around this one, too. And yet what do you do? You start troubleshooting. You become obsessive about needing more information. Needing more information, asking questions. You test people. I'm in the middle of this situation right now. I'm being tested. My loyalty is being tested. And what happens is you will end up blowing up those relationships. You'll blow up your life. You will stay paralyzed. You will be alone. Right? And sometimes just leaning in and not knowing all the information is what you need to do to have the truth in your life. Which is like, life is about the experiences, the hard and the scary and the beautiful. It's the whole package. For the Enneagram Sevens, your biggest fear is being put in a box and having some painful situations or being trapped. Right? And feeling like options aren't open to you. You know that in order for your dreams to happen, you have to have some structure. But because Enneagram feel like structure equals being trapped, a lot of your dreams don't happen. And then you get frustrated, and then you're flaky or people don't take you seriously, or you fill in the blanks to whatever feels true for you. My Enneagram Sevens. But you've tried to prove your whole life that I don't need structure. I'm just gonna wing it. Now that is your gift. Your gift is the ability to dream big and pivot. However, to make it happen, to bring it to fruition, you will need structure. My enneagram eights, like I said, we fear being vulner and being betrayed or violated. So we will put those walls up. We know that the walls will rob us of the connection, intimacy and actual support from people that can do that for us. Right. Unfortunately, we can't have that if the walls are up. Right? Yeah, it'll block out the hard things and the betrayal, but it'll also block out the blessings as well. I've kind of already said that with the eight. And finally the nines. You know, your biggest fears is not having harmony. And you know that sometimes hard conversations have to happen. Like, you know that conflict is important. Nines know that conflict is important because that is where growth happens. That is where some great collaboration happens. Yet you have spent your entire life avoiding conflict and trying to get by and trying to, if you're an entrepreneur, make it and crush it. Or to be in a relationship, like an actual beautiful relationship where it doesn't feel one sided. You can't have that without a little disharmony from time to time. But you've, you've spent your life proving, trying to prove that to be not true. Right? So that question really has been weighing on me and sitting with me the last two and a half, three weeks now, and especially this last week, you know, as my birthday lead up and you know, weird shit's happening in my personal life and in, you know, the astrology kind of world, you know, the Pluto. My daughter and I were talking about it yesterday. I can't even remember the Pluto something, but it's like the death of things from the past and a rebirth. And I'm feeling it. And the fact that it's happening at a time when my 50th birthday is falling into place. I mean, I'm having like a mass exodus in my life. Like, it's crazy. And it's a mind fuck actually, because it's like, well, I'm the common denominator here. I'm the common denominator here. And in the past I would have been like, fuck this, fuck everybody. And I mean, there is an element of like sometimes people's part of the story is over. I do believe in the reason. Season, lifetime. I do believe in all of that. But I also have to take an honest look at myself sometimes because I am the common denominator. And what does that mean? What does that mean? Well, the fact of the matter is the people that have chosen to leave in my life have not been brave enough to have a conversation with me about it. And so I could either, you know, make this into a thing, I could let my ego take over and confront them, or I just really chalk it up to. I know that I am open to receive. I am. My walls are down. It's why this hurts so much. Like, I do feel the pain of it. Even though I know the time had come for some of these people to, for whatever reason, exit scene I knew it. I already knew it energetically and probably had already disconnected energetically. And I'm still a human and it still hurts, right? It's one of those things that I've taught my kids this, like, in order to have the abundance come to you, whether it's love, money, anything that you desire that's abundant, right? You have to make sure there's room for it, because if it shows up and, you know, the inn is full, so to speak, it's going to move on to somebody else. And even though I didn't plan what's happening in my life right now, very, very painful. I know the last time that God cleared my way was 10 years ago, almost to the day. Ten years ago, God cleared the path, and it was painful. And I also knew that, like, big things were coming for me. But then there's this season of waiting, and I know many of you are holding onto a contingency plan. It's like, I'm willing to let people go as long as I know the timing of what's supposed to show up, and I know exactly what or who or how much is going to show up. And I have control over it. And I hate to break it to you, but that's not how this shit works. And so although I have let my walls come down and I have let people in and people that are hurting me, it sucks. I'm not enjoying the process, but I'm here for it. And I'm here for whatever part of the house needs to get cleaned out, because I know what's coming is beautiful, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. But it doesn't mean that this old thing of what I know to be true is that, like, walls keep the beautiful things out. But I have spent a lifetime trying to prove that the walls actually are what's required for me to do this, and I know that that's not true. And Even in this season of such pain right now, like it is. So it's like my scabs are ripped open and, and all sorts of stuff. Like I know this to be true and my tendency would be to put walls up or get aggressive and I'm doing neither. I'm having hard conversations that aren't going the way that I want them to and it hurts. It hurts. But I'm also leaning into other people that see the beauty in me and see that and there is an even energy and vulnerability exchange and it's rising me up and it's brought my kids and I closer because they're seeing me navigate hard things. I'm not hiding this from them. This is where discernment and knowing with whom and where you can share this appropriately for your own sake. And you know, there are just some people in your life that aren't equipped or capable of dealing with this or supporting you. And that's the hard part about this. As you elevate your life, there are going to be less and less people that can actually hold that kind of space for you and have this even energy and vulnerability exchange. That's why it's really important you put yourself with the right coaches and in the right rooms. And that being said, I have made way in my schedule for the spring season. I have some openings for one on one coaching and this is by application only. This is not for those that just want to sing Kumbaya and manifest shit and just say, I want to manifest this and believe that that's how it happens. If you are ready to get in the trenches and do this work in real time. And I share my life with you too. Like, you know, in real time what I'm going through. Like my clients currently are hearing about this. They're hearing my real life story so that they can see how I'm navigating this. Because here's the thing. I don't care how much personal development work you do. Like I said, life's going to continue to happen. Especially if you want to keep elevating and leveling up and growing and making more money and having greater love and greater solid friendships. They will test every part of your being. And having the tools in the toolbox from somebody who doesn't just teach them, but walks them, who uses them on the daily. And this is the beauty of being 50 is there's a lot of life experience that I have that nobody else does. This is the gift. Not only am I doing the work, but I have the age and experience to be able to guide you through it. I've raised children. I've run businesses. I've worked in corporate America. I've divorced. I've gotten in relationships again. I've lost parents. I've lost loved ones. I've dealt with death. There's nothing I have not dealt with in my own personal life that I haven't walked through and come out the other side stronger and better. And if that is something you need in your life, please do not hesitate one more day. The investment to work with me is a lot less than you might think. It's not cheap. Your girl ain't cheap. I have invested a lot in my growth, time and resources, but it is not what you may think. And if you have been trying all these other things and it's just not helping, don't waste another day. This time of year is always where I get an influx of people and I can only take so many because the work I do is intense and deep. With you. You get me on speed dial every single day. Every single day. Not just on voxer, but video chat. We get video chat for anything that's going on in your life. And if that is something you need, go to Tracy o' Malley dot com. Fill out the one on one application at the Work with Me section on the website. The website is soon to be overhauled. I can't wait. And fill out an application. We'll hop on a very quick call to make sure that you are ready for what you say you are. And I will be your partner through this journey. I am grateful for the work I am blessed to do because you help me a lot more than you may think in working with you. And I would be honored to take you through that journey so that you can stop trying to prove the thing that you know to be true and sabotaging your own growth and your own beautiful gifts that you have to give to the world and in your families. I'm so grateful that you guys tune in every week, a couple times a week, to hear my experiences so that they may be able to bless you. I believe in paying it forward. I believe all the things that we've all been through are meant to serve some kind of good, not just for our own lives, but for every person that we love, that we lead, and that we are blessed to touch, whether it's through the airwaves or in in person in real life. I'm here for it. And I'm honored to be on this journey with you. And if you love or get value from this podcast. It would mean the world to me if you left a review or some stars or whatever you feel called to do. That's how I will be able to get in front of more of you, get more exposure so that we can bring more into this kind of community. I will continue to bring more Enneagram beautiful wisdom your way and the integration of it. I've got so many great juicy things to share with you in the upcoming weeks. You can find me on Instagram. I've been doing fun reels, having fun with the Enneagram. You know I love the tool, but I also love comedy and humor and I think it's great to poke a little fun at ourselves from time to time. You can find me on Instagram. Tracyomalley as always, I am here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. I'm here with you on that journey myself. I'm grateful for each and every one of you. Wishing you love and light.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy o'malley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.