EP236: A Reason, Season, Or Lifetime Person - Knowing How to Really Let Go of Those No Longer Here for Your Journey

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And this episode is going to be really, really great. And I think it's what you need to hear. You know, they often say that you teach what you need to learn the most. And I am in a season of what I'm about to share with you right now. I'm coming off a beautif, beautiful weekend in Austin, Texas, where I just watched two of my very, very dear friends get married. A beautiful love story that's been built over 13 years. And just watching them be so intentional about their special day and having fun with it and only having the right people there, you know, they both come from big circles and it was a smaller wedding considering how many people these two know and how many people love them. But they had been very careful in only having in the room the exact people that, like, they want there. And I know like a lot of times, whether it's building a business or, you know, having a party or a wedding or just your day to day, you know, we don't want to upset people. We don't want to have anybody not like us. And I know there's some of you like me that are like, fuck that. I don't care. Like, I don't care what people think about me. And a lot of times when we come at it like that, it's usually because we're protecting our heart. And this weekend had me all in the feels. Like I said, I'm in this season right now where what I'm about to share with you is very real in my life. And I can't remember when I was first made aware of this poem. If you looked at the title of this episode, I talk about the reason, the season and a lifetime and letting go of those, that their part of the story is over. And it's very challenging. And sometimes we have a say in it, and sometimes we don't. And for a lot of my life, I've had a lot of say in it. And I'll touch on the enneagram a little bit here. You know, with the eight in me, my biggest fear is betrayal, violation, vulnerability. Right? And so when I can feel things in the past getting a little too close, I could sabotage it by being aggressive, domineering, stir the pot, whatever, right? And that would kind of end the relationship on my terms. Whether or not they thought that or not, it was a way to protect my heart. But, you know, the last decade or so, with this deeper work that I've done, when there's an end to a relationship, usually if I'm the person that's in charge of it or deciding this, I more willing to have a harder conversation instead of just like, creating chaos. Well, in my life, I have had people that have chosen to exit it for whatever their reason is. I don't know, most of them have not been willing to have a conversation with me for whatever reason. I know that I can be kind of intense, so I can get where that's coming from. And they may not even think it's worth it. And that's totally okay. You know, everybody's got their journey now. That being said, it is deeply painful because I'm still a human being, and so are you. The premise of this reason, season or lifetime poem, the first paragraph is, people come into your life for a reason. A season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. And as you go along in your journey, you know, you might think you have a lifetime person. And then all of a sudden, things change. And as I'm coming off of, you know, celebrating my 50th year, you know, I just turned 50 last week. There were people that I had in my life that I really thought were lifetime. You know, whether it was a spouse or a close friend or things like that. But when you realize that what you thought was a lifetime person became a reason or a seasoned person, how you deal with that and how you respond to that is pretty powerful. So I'll take you back 10 years. I was in a relationship with somebody, and it was volatile, and I had just gotten sober. And I don't think I've shared this story publicly, but it just came on my heart to share it with you because it's powerful. And it was somebody that I thought would be a lifetime person that I was, that clearly was a reason and a season person. And I was trying to force it into a lifetime person because I was scared because I had given my whole heart, you know, I was all in. This person had seen all parts of me, and the thought of that ending really scared the crap out of me. I was newly sober. I was in this relationship that was not healthy for me. He was a great person. We just weren't great for each other at this season in our lives, right? He was a little bit younger than me, too. And I just was coming off a rough time, quite honestly. And we were somewhere celebrating Mother's Day weekend. And like I said, I was about seven months sober. Something happened in the weekend, and, you know, my kids were there, his family. It was supposed to be a celebration. And I have a history with Mother's Day prior to this that, you know, is very triggering for me. So he even knew, like, hey, I know that Mother's Day for you in the past has been great. We're going to make sure it's amazing. And so I had this expectation, right, I let my guard down that, okay, great, I can actually let myself celebrate this. And so we go on through the weekend. Something happened that set him off. Mind you, he is somebody who drinks alcohol. And he'd even said to me when I went to rehab, like, I have a bigger problem with alcohol than you do. I'm like, well, that's your journey, right? So, needless to say, things got out of hand. He got intoxicated. I was sober, and he was very mad at me for something I still don't even know, but he was very, very mad at me. And I was trying to force the situation. I was. And he had fallen asleep and I woke him up trying to get him to, you know, come to the bedroom. And I should have just left a sleeping bear lie right now I own my part in it. He has owned his part in it. Neither of us were good in this situation and none of it warranted what was about to happen next. So, long story short, it got a little physical and I ended up getting taken away in an ambulance. It was a shit show. It really, really was. And needless to say, that relationship ended immediately after this weekend. It wasn't an intentional kind of thing that happened. Doesn't matter. Because the point of the story is this is I was trying to hold on to a lifetime person that wasn't meant to be a lifetime person. And when we realize that people are in our life for a reason, season or lifetime, we have to make decisions and decide how we are going to navigate things. So that Me trying to force this person to be a lifetime person created a lot of wreckage. You know, my kids were there and saw their mom being taken away in an ambulance and there was fear that maybe I had even started drinking again. I mean, it was crazy. It was freaking crazy. And, you know, I am talking about my role in it, and I knew what I was doing. That codependency panic that, oh, my gosh, like, I've let this person see all of me. Oh, my gosh, no way. I can't. I can't lose this. I can't lose this. And trying to force it wasn't the right thing to do. How I handle things today, you know, I. Like I said, I'm in this period of my life where it's a mass exodus, mass people that I literally thought were people that I would have. With me, going the distance. They've seen me through lots and lots of things, and I have seen them through lots and lots of things, have decided that my part in their story is over for whatever reason. And instead of trying to grasp on in that codependency panic or feel significant, like, I need to know, you know, my ego wants to know because, you know, fuck them is where my ego is right? I want to know so I can just be right. But at the end of the day, I have chosen to let them go without understanding, and I'm reconciling that. It's really painful, you know, because it's happening at a fast pace. With a few people that I didn't expect this from, I could really go down a shame spiral, like, well, I'm the common denominator, so what's going on here? Right? And I am the common denominator. And the common denominator about me is I am growing at a very rapid pace. And I am an unfiltered, straight shooting, no bullshit kind of person. And when people are around me, they know that they will 1000% be seen for who they are in any given moment. And for a lot of people, that's very uncomfortable. I have a standard in which I operate. I tell the truth. I have uncomfortable conversations. I'm not willing to say the hard things. And I understand that not everybody is on that same trajectory of growth or path or they want that in their life. I'm not even saying that, but maybe they just. It's too much. It's a lot. And I've accepted that I am a lot. And that comes with a lot of beautiful things. And for some people, they don't want that. And I totally understand. I can totally understand, and so can you. But then we have to deal with the emotions and the feelings around it, right? Fact is, is that hurts. I've invested decades with some friendships and relationships, and for them to end this way is disheartening. It really, really is. And without explanation. And I'm not going to lie, Little T, that inner child in me is like, well, what's wrong with us? Like, why does this keep happening to us? Are we just not worth it to people? And then that's where the real work begins. And using the framework of the Enneagram, you know, when you know your deepest fear, you can really, you know, hone in on where that is. So for me, betrayal, violation, vulnerability, feeling weak, you know, I can go into that. Fuck this, I don't care. I don't care. I can go into that. But that's just kind of armor. And armor is good, but, like, not that kind of armor that keeps us from grieving, because there's a grieving process in this. So, you know, depending on your Enneagram type, you know, how you navigate these things can be very unique to you. So I wanted to read the poem to you in full because it's beautiful. It is beautiful. And although the words might touch your heart, taking yourself through the process is a whole nother ball game that, you know, is a muscle that you have to build. You know, it's interesting. My kids have watched this, and, you know, the people that have decided to exit, they were close to my children, too. And, you know, they feel hurt by it, too. And just talking through that, this the reason. Season or lifetime, the words are great. The process is a whole nother ball game. And I know that I am showing my own children beautiful things by letting them watch me navigate this. All right? So I wanted to read the poem to you because it's amazing. The poem is called Reason, Season or Lifetime. If you Google it, it'll pop right up. You can print it out. You can keep it close to you. It's beautiful. So people come into your life for a reason. A season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason that you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing, on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled. Their work is done. The prayer you send up has been answered, and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a season because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real, but only for a season. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. Now you know these beautiful words. We get it. We get it in theory, we get it at a cognitive level. But when the reality of they were a reason and not a lifetime navigating, that can be very painful. And a lot of times you'll see either the unhealthy part of your enneagram type come out. Like in the past when I felt this, I'd get very domineering or aggressive, or you go to your stress number, the number that is a little bit different than your core enneagram type. And I have been in that a little bit, and not necessarily for a bad thing, because you can use your stress number on the enneagram for something really, really beautiful, too. So, you know, because I'm an eight, I go to five under stress, and that is the investigator. And that's usually where, you know, I go to the five cave is what the people in my life call it. And sometimes it gets really dark there, right? And I can build a case against other people, the people that decided to walk out or, you know, act out or whatever it was, right? And in the past, when I've used my five as, you know, building a case against them, you know, that's where then I come out in the unhealthy eight, right? I've been building this case, blah, blah, blah. Now I can use my stress number for something beautiful, and I'm in that five cave, but I'm really assessing. I'm building a case of why they were a reason or a season and not for the bad reasons. Like, yeah, they did. They served A beautiful part in my life. And for the last 10 years, I've had countless people exit stage left. And yes, every single one was painful. And it felt not good. It felt very rejecting. And it's when we feel rejected or insignificant or uncertain or like that codependent panic that I talked about that will lean into our stress number or the unhealthy side of our enneagram type. And so I just kind of want to quickly, if you're an Enneagram one, just to recap, your stress number is enneagram four, so you can look that up. I want you to, if you're an Enneagram one, look up your stress number and the behaviors of that. So it's kind of like a compass. It's not an excuse to be there. It's not like, this is the way I am. But I want you to use this framework as a compass, right? So if you're an Enneagram one, when your critical, perfectionistic ways don't work anymore, you kind of lean into that Enneagram 4. For the twos, you go to an Enneagram 8, right? So you can become a little bit more explosive. Things like that. The Enneagram 3s kind of shut down and look like an unhealthy 9. And again, you can use your stress number for something really beautiful too, right? So the one instead of the black and white thinking can go to the more emotional aspect. The twos, instead of being explosive, they can use the decisiveness of the eight for the threes. Instead of shutting down and becoming sloth like. Like a 9, they can actually become more wise and see the bigger picture of why things have gone down. For the Enneagram 4, their stress number is an Enneagram 2, where they become more codependent strategies and things like that. And instead they can get outside of themselves and look at the bigger picture relationally, right? With that Enneagram 2. For the Enneagram 5, their stress number is the Enneagram 7. You know, when their need for information can take over, they can become like, I need more information. I need more information. Instead of using that 7 in that way, a 5 can use the 7 is more of a visionary aspect in the positivity part, Right? Again, just because you have a stress number doesn't mean you have to only use it for an unhealthy thing. You can use all the framework of your enneagram type for something really beautiful. You have all these tools right there. Learn how and when to use them. For the Enneagram 6, when their troubleshooting doesn't work, they get into hyperactive take action mode. And they can look like an unhealthy three where it's like, I'm just going to win. Do more, hit the finish line. Goals, goals, goals, goals, goals. And although that's really, that can be really, really good, the come from is not necessarily the healthiest for an enneagram6. So really, you know, troubleshooting and being very strategic and intentional about okay, one thing at a time and let's hit the goal. One thing at a time and hit the goal. Not at this manic kind of pace. For the Enneagram Sevens, their stress number is an Enneagram one. Uh, so when they are typically like free spirited, optimistic and things aren't going or they're feeling anxious or fear that they're going to be trapped, they become very rigid and critical and a little argumentative. But they can use that enneagram1 in a higher standard way, higher integrity way. For the Enneagram eights like I talked about, our stress number is the five. I already kind of talked about that, so I won't go over that again. And then for the Enneagram nines, their stress number is the enneagram 6, where they're more easygoing and yeah, whatever, it's okay. They actually need because they can become so sloth like that. They have no opinions, no thoughts where they actually need and can use the healthy part of that six and be more strategic and intentional and troubleshooting and more thought out rather than in that stress. But I'm using these tools in the framework of the Enneagram. You know, you have four different Enneagram types connected to you and you can use them all for beautiful things and sometimes for not so beautiful things. Knowing how and when to do that will allow you when these season, reason and lifetime things come up for you. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt because we're human beings, we have feelings, we have history. But using the framework of the Enneagram is really helping me through this hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard season. You know, I'll be celebrating by the grace of God ten years of sobriety this month. And you know, it was, you know, in rehab that or this year. And it was in rehab and with my therapist that I was introduced to the Enneagram. And I'm so grateful that I've learned how to use this muscle because in my 10 years of sobriety, I gotta say this last six months specifically have been some of the Hardest because of realizing that the lifetime people were only here for a reason or a season. And so it's one thing to understand your. Your core type, but really integrating the full framework of your type and knowing how and when and where and how to integrate that in your life, in integrity and at the highest of standards in a way that feels authentic to you, that is where the magic happens. And I have just finished up a few of my private clients, so I have some openings for this season. I only have like two spots because I only take a few people at a time. Not only do I take you through and get you typed properly, but I will, in full 247 access for a full three months, help you use every aspect of this in every area of your life, whether it's in your romantic partnerships, your parenting, your businesses, your health, your friendships, all of it. You know this framework can be used. And seriously, next to my faith, this is my greatest tool of all time. And helping people like you navigate these hard things and making the hard decisions and understanding that sometimes people's part in your story is over and how you move through that and forward and invite in what is for you next, whether it's another season or a lifetime person, you have to make room for that. And so my private one on one coaching is powerful, powerful, powerful, powerful. Imagine having somebody on speed dial that you can be like, hey, I'm about to have this hard conversation. How do I navigate this? And you know, I'll help you understand and integrate your framework of your Enneagram type. Plus, I have very deep master level coaching techniques and methods and skills that enhance the knowledge of the Enneagram. And I help you through all those things in your life all at the same time. Because life is like that. We can compartmentalize for a little bit, but if we don't find harmony and a flow in all of it, you might have one area that's thriving, but you feel like an imposter in another area of your life. And my goal in helping you become that ultimate leader in your life is to find harmony at the same time in all areas, even when it feels a little rocky or unstable in another area. You don't have to be taken out by one thing in your life. And I am evidence that that is possible. And so it'd be my honor to take you on that journey if that is something that you're interested in. You can go to traceyomalley.com currently at the work with Me section. It is by application only. I only take a few people and Only the people that are truly, truly, truly ready that are raising their hand and saying, I am ready for that kind of work and I'm here for it. Now, if you really want to just nail down your enneagram type and hear your framework and have me give you a few tools, you can do an Enneagram Kickstart session. I'm still currently doing Those again@traceeomalley.com the work with me section. We will find out your correct enneagram type and I will give you the framework, you know, your wings, your growth, your stress number, all of it, and kind of what that means for you. And then you can take that information and run with it. But if you really want that information and then want a personal guide to help you navigate and integrate it in all areas of your life, I highly recommend filling out an application today. I don't mess around and I am a straight shooting and like seriously, this is the Master's program and I know for those of you that have done a lot of other coaching or masterminds or therapy even, this is next level work. And I know a lot of you want a next level life and next level work will be required for that. I'm constantly, every single day doing it and so I'd be honored to take you through that journey too. It is powerful. You guys, I am so grateful. Thank you for joining me week after week and allowing me to share part of my life and lessons with you. I believe that everything that happens in our life can be used for something beautiful. And it's in what I have learned along the way in my 50 years that you've all told me that me paying it forward is helping you. So I will continue to do so. If there's something that you would love to hear on this podcast, please don't hesitate to reach out on Instagram. Tracyomalley, you can always hit me up there. You can email me@info traceyomalley.com any of those things. And if you are finding value from what we are bringing here at the Leadership Formula podcast, it would mean the world to me to go over to the Apple Podcasts app or whatever and fill out a review. That's how we will be able to touch more people with not just the Enneagram integration, but all the other things that we take along on the journey for growth, for love, for abundance, for all of it. You deserve all of it. I know you desire it. Let me help you bring that into your life. You guys, I appreciate you. I thank you. And until next time, I love you.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you.

Into the next level of your life.

Sam.