EP237: The Underground World of Each Enneagram Type that You May Never See

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships, to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love?

Well, you've landed in the right place.

Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula. And today, this episode is one that you're going to want to share with somebody that you love, or this is maybe not an episode all about you, right? I think so often we listen to things that apply to us. And although that's really, really important, I'm all about, you know, self awareness, obviously, emotional intelligence. It's where, you know, I really became aware of who I was with using the framework of the Enneagram. But today's episode is going to give you insight to the people that maybe you don't quite understand all the time, or there's something that triggers you about somebody else. But this is more for you to listen with, with the ears of those that you love and lead. Because the Enneagram is a great framework, and I've taught thousands and thousands and thousands of people from stages, from podcasts, from, you know, trainings, and all sorts of things about yourself. Right? You know, before you can lead anybody else, you gotta know how to lead yourself. And it's really, really important. But so much of our life is about interpersonal relationships, and communication is everything. Communication is everything. It builds credibility, it's creates trust. It can break down even the most beautiful things. We've seen beautiful ideas and foundation crumble if communication isn't, you know, where it needs to be. So today we're going to talk about, you know, the things that you don't necessarily the parts of yourself or those that you love that you don't share with the world, right? The things that you don't want anybody to know about you. And this will go into the fears and the biggest vulnerability of each Enneagram type. And I am in a season. I've gotten off a few calls today. I've been in tears a couple times today over the very things that most people in my circle or in my world wouldn't expect from me. And these are what we're going to. I'm going to share it with all of you today about each Enneagram type. And that will be, you know, as you're listening, you're going to hear yourself and you're going to. When I get to your Enneagram type, you're like, yep, yep. I don't let anybody know that. I don't really, you know, the people on Instagram don't see that or, you know, there's probably not more than three or four people that would ever see that from you. And this will give you a deeper insight into those you love and lead. I know for me, communicating these parts of me to the people that I love the most, it doesn't mean it makes it necessarily easier to deal with me. However, this is where you can find a very quick, fast pass to compassion, empathy and unconditional love. Where you don't feel your guard is up all the time or you know, there's not a breakdown in communication. And you know, I am somebody that always teaches what I need to learn as well. And I've learned over the last decade plus that I am not in the minority, that the things that I do bring to the table for you are things that majority of you need. And although it's one thing to understand all this, it's another to integrate it. And like I said, I'm in a moment in my life where I know all this stuff and I'm integrating it and it's still freaking hard. So I want you to know that and I also want you to know that when things get a little more challenging, especially when it's not so self inflicted, it means you're on the verge of a breakthrough and you just gotta stay on the mat, you gotta stay in the game. You gotta lean into your own self compassion and self honoring so that you can move forward and create deeper relationships, stronger intimacy in your life and have the support and, and the very things that you desire and you deserve. So I'm going to go through each Enneagram type and you know, you've seen the stereotypes, you've seen the memes, you've even been watching my reels, thank you very much. My funny reels that you know, poke fun and have fun with the stereotypical parts of the Enneagram. But as you know, this is a very, very powerful growth tool next to my faith is the number one tool I use. And so I wanted to share with you, these are the things that you don't see in the reels or the memes or even in some of the other information Enneagram teachers out there. This is like when you want to understand somebody at their deepest level, then you have to be willing to understand this and meet them with compassion. So we're going to dive in with the Enneagram One. You know, they're called the reformer and you know, they are motivated by a need to be good and right. And that being said, when they feel like that's not happening, something internal happens. Now, externally we see them maybe become more critical. Outwardly a little judgmental, right? That's the things we see on the outside. But the parts of the Enneagram One that you don't see is actually they become very, very, very self critical. They feel like they're the only one in this whole game. A lot of times they feel a sense of over responsibility, like they're the only grown.

The Enneagram One really can be very black and white in their thinking. And they feel like their way is the right way and they don't delegate very well. So that creates more resentment and frustration. Believe it or not, you won't see this a lot of times outwardly on an Enneagram One, but they do from time to time struggle with feelings of depression. And although like the Enneagram One, I've said this can be very critical, their inner critic has a megaphone that screams at them about a thousand times more than they would ever outwardly project onto anyone else. And it can become so overwhelming that they beat themselves up over and over and over. Even though looking at an Enneagram One, you would very rarely know this. I have had an Enneagram One in my life that was very close to me and boy, was she critical. However, I know that internally it was way worse. Does not mean it's still easy to deal with somebody that is critical. But this is where you can kind of meet them with some compassion. And instead of there be this power struggle, you can say things that maybe will hit them in the heart. Doesn't mean they're going to be receptive. But you know, this is something really important to know if you love or lead an Enneagram One. Now, the Enneagram Twos, they're known as the Helper. And they do wear their heart on their sleeve a lot, right? They're motivated by this desire to feel appreciated and liked and loved. And so their biggest fear is not being any of those things. And so they can be over givers. They can slip into codependency A little bit more. They will yes themselves to death and then have resentment about it later. And so something that happens for an Enneagram too, especially when they over yes themselves and they give, give, give, give, give. And I'm not letting them off the hook subconsciously and sometimes consciously, they will give to get, right? They'll be super helpful over giving all those things and even from the goodness of their heart. But underlying a lot of that sometimes is this. I'm going to do that in order to feel loved and appreciated. So there's a contingency plan here. Now, that being said, some of the things you may not see or recognize that A2 struggles with or that they keep hidden, even with them wearing their heart on the sleeve, is that they actually do struggle with a feeling of loneliness. And I'm raising a two. And quite often when you give, give, give, and especially if you're giving from this place where you're subconsciously trying to get and it's not reciprocated, it can feel very, very lonely. Sometimes twos feel like they don't. Like others don't want them around, right? Like they can become a little needy or they feel bad about themselves. Twos feel that they need to go over and above in helping others so that they'll want them. You know, so boundaries are sometimes a big struggle for them. Oftentimes, an Enneagram too feels unappreciated and rejected. Even if we say thank you, they're almost sometimes, especially when they're not at their healthiest, insatiable for this, need to have this validation that, you know, all the things that they do are appreciated. And you know, for an Enneagram too, a lot of times I'll give them this advice. If nobody ever thanked you, appreciated, acknowledged, or reciprocated, would you still do it? I know all my Enneagram twos went right. Shame is probably the Enneagram 2's biggest, biggest emotion. And when they are criticized in any way or they have not responded in a good way, they immediately go to shame. Immediately. And sometimes they'll be explosive with it, sometimes they'll bury it, and then the cycle continues. Another thing that you probably don't see out of an enneagram too. And they don't really want you to know, but it's important that you do is they. They sometimes have this desperate need to feel validated by around them, right? They are the master connectors and the master relationship people on the Enneagram. But there's this fine line of it being their superpower and becoming their Kryptonite. So knowing these things about them, you can help to not feed into these things by just letting them do all the things for you. You know, telling a two no, they can't do that and explaining why is super important sometimes. All right, so the enneagram 3, a lot of times they get the bad rap of, you know, being called fake or they can be a chameleon. They can figure out what a situation needs for them to be the best at it. Right? And so some of these Enneagram types, you definitely would not know this, especially because of what they portray out in the world. And the enneagram 3 is known as the competitive achiever. We all want to be like a 3 because they just get shit done and they make things look effortless. They see the goal, they hit the goal. And because they want to be seen as the best at all times, they want to win at everything. They want to know that they can achieve anything. So a lot of the struggles that they carry, they will never show to the world. And they are very misunderstood sometimes. But here's some insight into the enneagram 3. They struggle to see themselves worthy of love. They really, really do. They struggle to see that, that they are worthy of love. Because they believe that their worthiness comes from what they do, what they achieve, or how they appear in the world. And so, you know, if they're not on their game, they don't feel like unless they are doing, they are worthy of that. Enneagram Threes are also afraid that if others do not think they're great at something or attractive enough that they will be rejected or abandoned. Right? It's why their need to crush goals is important, you know, because they're driven by a need for significance. Right? You wouldn't think so all the time, especially when it comes to their relationships, but it's. It's very, very true. Enneagram Threes can fear becoming irrelevant and kind of being a one hit wonder or a flavor of the month. That's why they don't take a lot of time to celebrate a win, because they're moving on to the next thing to stay relevant in the world or in your eyes. They really don't love to need support or show vulnerability because they don't want to appear needy. They want to appear the best. At what? Like they always have it together again. That's their strength. They can be resourceful and resilient. And it's also their Kryptonite. Threes also struggle very much so probably as much as any other Enneagram type with insecurity and emotional vulnerability. Insecurity they don't want you to know that they can't crush. This emotional vulnerability will show a sign of weakness and also it slows them down. That's the other thing about, like the emotional intelligence, the emotional vulnerability for a 3 is if they have to stop to feel things or to show things, and there's somebody on the receiving end that can slow down their beeline to the goal line. And so a lot of times they feel it, but they'll stuff it because they don't have time for this shit, right? They want to, but they're afraid of the consequence of doing that. Although they're very out loud and proud in the world, most of threes, they really do struggle sometimes feeling like nobody really knows who they are. Now that's a struggle for them. And also the thing that they self inflict on themselves, right, because they're always putting on a new face or showing the world whatever they believe the world needs from them in order to see them as the best. You can see where that can cause some stuff for them. The other thing that an enneagram3 doesn't really show you. And very like out of any other Enneagram type, this is the Enneagram type that you won't see it unless you really, really know them. And if you see it, they might get a little snappy with you or shut down on you. Threes do struggle also with shame and feelings of inadequacy. And I know that's. That's hard to believe, but they do. And this is where, like, knowing these things about the enneagram3 has allowed them. Has allowed me to have more compassion for them. Because I gotta be honest, Threes were the one type that I probably harshly judged more than any other type. So this is why this is important for you to understand this about them. Now, the Enneagram Fours, they wear their heart on the sleeve too. They're very outward with their emotions. So you might think that this stuff that I'm about to share with you that they don't show you, you might think that, oh, they Fours really show us everything because they're all about the feels and they're all about the emotions. And they tend to be oversharers because they are comfortable with these things. But there are some things about the enneagram 4 that you may not know or see ever, is that they doubt themselves often. You know, they have this need for significance and finding their authentic self. So they always kind of think something's missing in them. And so this doubt, this self doubt, it's why they always look very dramatic and like they're reinventing themselves and. And things like that. It's coming from this place of doubt. Enneagram Fours are also very sensitive to other people's reactions towards them. They are probably the Enneagram type that struggles most with comparisonitis to themselves. They constantly compare themselves to a version of them that they have made up in their head, right? They can see the gifts and talents in other people, but they have this constant thing of believing there's something missing in them that the rest of us have. So they don't see the gifts and talents within themselves a lot of time. It's why they're always changing things up. They also have a hard time seeing the value they bring to the world. They're the most creative and intuitive and expressive on the Enneagram. And they do struggle with social anxiety, right? Sometimes they'll be extra, extra socially and other times, like the self preservation force will become more introverted than the typical stereotypes that you see, you know, of the enneagram 4. But they really, really are constantly seeking the most authentic version of themselves. And when they don't find it, this is kind of where they go internally. Now, the Enneagram Fives, you know, they're the most introverted on the Enneagram. They're the private investigators. They're this quiet specialist. So this stuff you probably absolutely wouldn't know. They aren't quick to put everything out into the world, but they do struggle internally. And they're the things that they don't share with you unless you really, really are close with them. Because their gift is to be able to disconnect emotionally. That's also their downfall. So some of the things that you probably don't know about the enneagram 5 is that they fear their needs are too intense for others to handle. This is where Fives and Eights are a lot alike too. Because the Fives are so thought out and analytical and thought forward, thinking that if they shared their needs that it might be too much for others. Fives are also afraid that if they seek connection, that they're going to be rejected. Oftentimes this has come from because of their ability to disconnect emotionally, they're sometimes misunderstood, sometimes is cold and harsh. So they're. That is more. They're so straightforward that sometimes leaning into that warm connection, their fear is being rejected in that Fives also don't like to have to need anyone because their need for autonomy and independence, being capable and equipped, there's this fine line. It's like, we're not meant to do this life alone, but here we are. You know, they don't want to lose their independence. Fives fear looking foolish or incompetent, and that's why they hoard a lot of their information, energy, resources. It's why they become so introverted sometimes. But fives really do desire finding someone who is safe and comforting. And when a 5 trusts you and leans in emotionally, and I am very close with fives, Fives and eights really just get each other. And I have some fives that are very close to me in their life, and they have often said, like, they feel safe with me. So that's something that when you are loving or leading a 5, understanding that this is under the surface for them. The number one thing for a five is if they feel their autonomy is at risk, they will bail. They will bail the relationship. If they've realized that they have become too reliant on any people, places, or things, they can bolt. And that's where they kind of lean into that unhealthy seven. That is their stress number. All right, we're finishing out here. Pretty soon we've got the enneagram 6. The loyal skeptic. Like the two, they are very vocal and, you know, you see more of this for most sixes, there are the most. There are some phobic sixes that are more introverted, but sixes, they. They need a lot of interaction and they need a lot of information. So some of this stuff you may know, but there's a next level that's underneath the surface that you may not. In order for an enneagram 6 to have inner peace, they need things to be in order. So their more controlling ways or their need for information is kind of what's driving this. Predictable patterns make them feel safe. That's why me as an 8 when I wasn't the healthiest, can be very triggering for a six back in the day, maybe even now. But they need the plan. That's why they have, you know, plans for every situation. Enneagram6's internal thoughts cause them to second thought, guess themselves a lot. You would think somebody that is so ultra prepared, responsible, collaborative. But a lot of times, because they have multiple. Multiple tabs open at all times, you know, it can get a little cluttered up in there, and then they start to second guess things. Enneagram sixes have a hard time making decisions sometimes because of that extra chatter in their head. Because that enneagram6 is driven by a need for certainty to feel safe, prepared, supported. They do need that inner peace, but instead they often get so busy as a way of distracting the noise. And that's where you find that Enneagram 6 into their unhealthy stress. Number of the 3. Fear often keeps an Enneagram 6 from living up to their potential because they can become paralyzed by it. Something that is important to know about the Six is even though they're very, very loyal, they're deathly afraid of trusting the wrong person. The thing is, is once a Six trusts you, their guard is completely gone. And they don't always see some things behind the surface and then they've been burned and then it creates that cycle all over again. A lot of times an enneagram 6 won't attempt new things if they're not sure that they will succeed. Not because of significance like a 3, but because of their need for certainty that they are going to have a way out of it, or that they're equipped, prepared, all of the things the loyal skeptic. They are probably the ones that have the constant chatter in their head. The Five, Six and Sevens always do. But the Sixes are next level with the chatter in their head. Now, the Enneagram Sevens, you know, the enthusiastic visionary, they are the life of the party. We all see them as optimistic and fun and, you know, their need for certainty comes into having. All options are available to them, but something that a lot of times in a Seven, you won't see, because when they start to feel this, they bounce or they kind of try to avoid pain. That's like they don't want to feel hard things or pain or feel stuck. And so a lot of these things that I'm going to share with you that you don't see and that the 7 doesn't share with you are to avoid. But sometimes it just gets too much, right? The Seven actually struggles with feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. You'll sometimes see the anger come out when they are under a lot of stress and they're leaning into that unhealthy one, which is their stress number. It's where they become a little rigid and critical. But it's usually when they feel that overwhelm coming in. 7 Seek adventure to escape overwhelming feelings. Yes, they do love fun and anything's possible, and it's their way to escape feelings. That's also why typically Enneagram Sevens have the biggest tendency to lean into an addiction because they want to escape those overwhelming feelings. Sevens struggle with self doubt. They are fearful of being abandoned or rejected if they show true emotions. So like if a 7 is having a bad day, especially if they've surrounded themselves with people that expect that from them all the time, they don't always feel like they can show that Sevens fear. They will always feel like this insatiable emptiness. Right? That's why they. They're gluttonous. Not just, you know, not in food necessarily, but in, in experiences and things and adventure. And when you feel like you're never going to fill a hole, it's why that gluttony can come out in a seven. Sevens avoid hard feelings, unpleasant feelings, by being upbeat and happy. That's why they're the life of the party. Sometimes. Usually it's. Usually it can be a genuine thing. But often, like once you really get to know a 7, you'll understand where a lot of that is to be a distraction, not just from themselves, but from you, that they are struggling inside. Now, the Enneagram Eights, you know, that's what I am. We don't love vulnerability. Our biggest fear is betrayal and violation. And so they're the most guarded. They have the biggest walls up. They're more aggressive with their need to protect themselves, but they have this need for independence and autonomy and justice and truth. But that being said, something that you may not know and definitely and enneagram8 won't willingly show you is that they actually have a very tender heart. And we do have a fear of being vulnerable. Enneagram Eights, you know, we can be seen as controlling or domineering, but a lot of times an enneagram8 will take control of situations because they don't like to be seen as incompetent or unnecessary. The Enneagram Eights don't trust people easily. So we're on guard pretty much 24 7. And that includes even the people very, very close to us. If we, if an Enneagram a sniff can even sniff that betrayal is possible. It's when they play this push pull game because they do want connection, they do want intimacy. But the minute there's an opportunity where there's a vulnerability in this, that's when that wall goes up. And that can feel very rejecting to other people. But they long, Enneagram Eights long to know that somebody actually can have their back and that somebody actually is looking out for them because we are the rock and seen as so strong and powerful. And part of that is we want you to think that most people don't think we need anybody looking out for us. And I can tell you firsthand it couldn't be more. I would absolutely love to know that I could put my guard down and trust that somebody has my back. And I've yet to really fully surrender to that. Just being completely transparent. Eights feel they must portray a strong, confident demeanor at all times. This is how they protect their vulnerability. And, you know, I know that my energy doesn't lie. And a lot of time our body language is very loud with this, but we don't respect those that are lazy or incompetent. It's where we can be a little judgy or take over. Now, the Enneagram 9, the Adaptive Peacemaker. You probably won't see this a lot because they just shut down. Where some of the other types are more explosive, this is the parts of the Nine that you probably don't know or see. You know, they're all seeking harmony and peace within and within their environment. But an enneagram9 struggles with feelings of anger, and sometimes they rage under the surface. Now, this can sometimes come out in passive aggressive behavior, but more often than not, this will become stonewalling, maybe even a little gaslighting. They don't always enjoy going with the flow, but that desire for harmony sometimes overweighs that. And then they can have resentment. Enneagram Nines desire to have autonomy and independence. And when they feel like they're being controlled, although like not like an 8, they will get a little stubborn, but they won't ever say it out loud. Right? Enneagram Nines would love to not be bothered by life or people. They really can close off the world. And this is. This is when they turn into Eeyore a little bit. Nines will attempt to keep the peace so their inner world stays calm. But then there's this rumble down under where they then can feel controlled by it. And this is where that cycle of, you know, that anger or the passive aggressiveness can come out. Even though the Nines don't share them, often, they do have very strong thoughts and opinions. So if you love or lead a 9 really trying to pull it out of them, they will resist it. Trust me on this. They will resist it over and over and over and over again. But it's really important because they do have strong thoughts and opinions and feelings. And they really wish that people would think of their needs sometimes. But because they're not vocal with what they need or their thoughts or opinions, that's where that cycle kind of continues. So these are like the little insight into the stuff that you don't see in the world of each of the Enneagram types that you love or lead. And I know like if I touched on your number, you're like, ah, yeah, that's totally right. Right. But maybe you need help with the people that you love or the people that you're raising or the people that you work with and I would love to take you through that journey. We do Enneagram Kickstart sessions over here@traceyomalley.com, the work with me section. You can spend 90 minutes with me where we break down your Enneagram type and we have plenty of time to touch on the people in your life and where maybe there is some disconnect happening and where you you would love to make improvements in your communication and how not only you show up for yourself, but for those that you love and lead. 90 powerful minutes with me. You can go to Tracyomalley.com do not wait. Work with me section the Enneagram Quickstart session. I would love to hear what you got out of this episode. You can find me over on Instagram. Traceyomalley My goal is always to help you become the ultimate leader in your life and sharing Enneagram wisdom to help you look a little deeper within and within those that you love and those that you lead. You guys, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for being with me on this journey and for, you know, giving me feedback on these episodes and on the things I'm doing out in the world so that I can serve you better. It is an honor and privilege as always. I will see you next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.