EP240: What Each Enneagram Type is REALLY Thinking When You are Talking to Them

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where.

You will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success.

I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. I am your host, Tracy o'. Malley. Thank you for coming back. And today we are talking about communication. Because no matter how smart, how savvy, how many skills you have, the right marketing won't work, the right words won't work if we don't know how to effectively communicate. And today's gonna be fun because we're gonna talk about the Enneagram types that maybe are different from you, right? I think so often we are into self awareness and understanding ourself, which is absolutely crucial. Understanding yourself, how others might perceive you, your fears, your motives. Very, very, very important. It's the root of leading yourself and becoming the ultimate leader in your life. Next level awareness comes in, how others might operate. And this is a little bit further. And I know a lot of you want to rush to this part, right? I get so many of you that want to know about your spouses, your children, your business partners, your audience, your customers. All really, really important. But I will say this. The number one way to really be able to embody the other eight core Enneagram types is to really know yours in and out, be comfortable with it. The good, the bad, the ugly about maybe your core personality type. We can't rush the process. And you know, I've said this before, you can't give your. You can't give other people what you don't give yourself. And, you know, having compassion for yourself and all the quirkiness that makes you up will allow you to more freely give that to other people. Not just. Just go through the motions in giving maybe some manufactured compassion. Because that really isn't compassion. It's actually manipulation, right? It's kind of giving to get. It's doing something with a contingency plan. And so today I want to talk about what the other Enneagram types might be thinking when you're talking to them. And I was thinking about, you know, me prior to personal development and especially the last 12 to 15 years, you know, you know, I spoke one way, and my best friend tells me, and the people that are close to me tell me that my energy never lies. And so even though, you know, I was able to manufacture a certain presence, the energy never lied. And now it makes sense why certain people maybe weren't receptive to my style of communication, why some people were. And I want to be able to speak effectively to anyone that's in front of me, not just the ones that are like me, because that's not how we grow. We grow when we can, you know, learn from other people. And, you know, I have said this also that, you know, once you drink the Enneagram Kool Aid, you want to know everybody's Enneagram type. And I don't. I don't blame you for that, because once you understand this powerful tool, like, you do want to know it. You do want to know what other people are so that you can more effectively communicate, not just to, you know, get what you need, but because you actually give a shit. So bravo for your wanting to give a shit. Shit. One of the things that I talk about a lot, and I've said this before, that, you know, for five years I was hardcore using the Enneagram, yet I never uttered that word in a sentence to anyone. With my children, with my business partners, with my clients, with my customers, with my friends, I was automatically understanding who was in front of me without saying, did you take an Enneagram test? What Enneagram type are you? Because when we do that, we're kind of like bypassing this beautiful experience of getting to know people through curiosity, through genuine give a fucks, right? And the beauty in me. And the reason I am as skilled in helping you integrate the Enneagram in your life is because I do ask really great questions. And so I'll do another podcast episode on that. But one of the things that you might be able to understand who's in front of you, whether they say it or not, is how the other Enneagram types that are different from you perceive communication. 80% or more of communication is not the words we use, but the patterns of our speech, the nonverbal ways we communicate, our energy. Like I said, but communication is a two way street between the communicator and the listener. And communication always exists and is interpreted with a context. For example, the culture of an organization, region, country, the other person's History, the structure in an organization hierarchy, the history of individuals involved. Like I said, you never know what is below the surface. The Enneagrams communication application allows you to understand how communication styles develop from Enneagram types with both strengths, but also unintended distortions in both the sender and the receiver of communication. Even more, the Enneagram helps honor our communication strengths and minimize our communication distortions in order to be understood and to understand others more effectively, accurately and authentically. Because when you genuinely want to understand how to communicate better because of the what's in it for them factor. You know, I've talked about this before. The more that you can communicate always in a way that the listener, whether it's a child, a romantic partner, a friend, a business partner, a customer, as long as they understand that you're speaking in a way that's articulating what's in it for them, you're going to earn credibility and trust. Intimacy is formed. You don't have to use as many words. There's a lot less wreckage. You kind of have to pull through. You're able to get to the root of things so much faster. So I thought it'd be fun that if I told you, like, when you're communicating with each Enneagram type, this is kind of what they're thinking in their head. And, you know, for anybody that has spent any time with me for any length of time, I have said things because I've. Instead of just like letting my face do the communicating, I'll just say sometimes, like, I don't need the whole labor, just give me the baby, or bottom line me. Like, that is such an eight thing to kind of say. But I wanted to share with you what all nine Enneagram types are thinking when you're speaking to them. Now, if you don't know what they are, what Enneagram type they are, that's okay. But I want you to kind of have this awareness ahead of time. So because you'll be able to read some body language and you might be able to pick up on things and it isn't personal, Sometimes it can feel personal. I know that my energy can feel very judgy. Sometimes it's not the case, but I understand and take responsibility that I have to manage that and be more cognizant of how others might receive me. And you are too. And if you don't know your Enneagram type, I would be honored to do a Enneagram typing session with you. They're 90 minutes long. It is very Very powerful. Not only will you have the right Enneagram information, you will know how to utilize the framework of your Enneagram type. Because there are four different Enneagram types connected to you that are like tools in your tool belt that if you don't know how and when to use, you're kind of missing the boat. So often many of you just focus on your Enneagram type and whether you know your Enneagram type or not. This is a beautiful opportunity for you because if you know you're an Enneagram type, we can definitely make sure we know that. And then you'll get a lot more time to really go into the integration of it and how to use the other four types connected to you in a beautiful, effective, amazing way with those you love, those you lead, and most importantly, yourself. So you can go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section to find out information on the Enneagram Kickstart session. I am working on something very, very special to be able to reach more of you that maybe don't have the time to invest or the resources to invest, but something that will help you really nail this information down. Coming soon. I keep telling you because that's my way of being accountable. Now back to what the other Enneagram types might be thinking when you're talking to them. So if you are talking to an Enneagram one, you know their strengths in communication or their cordial pulse, light, honest, thoughtful, poised, well formulated opinions and ideas. But when they're listening to you, they're automatically kind of, they're black and white thinkers, you know, so they're automatically thinking that's not right. They are easily irritated. They use words like should and ought. Even if they're not verbalizing this, this is kind of what they're thinking in their head. So you know, they're the sheriffs in town. The Enneagram one, also known as the reformer. They are motivated by what's good. And right now, the Enneagram 2, the considerate helper. You know, they are the natural relationship people, connectors on the Enneagram. Their strengths are that they listen carefully, they offer assistance, they ask questions, they're highly relational, very, very compassionate, where their downfall kind of comes into play. And what they're thinking when you're communicating with them, they're automatically going into some agreeable kind of thinking because they want to be liked and appreciated. That's what they're motiv by. You know, everything they do in being that considerate helper is to be Liked and appreciated. So, you know, what happens when they're challenged is they can be overly indirect or too direct. They can feel like they yes themselves to death. So they can be resentful. But a lot of this, that initial this is so good. It's so good. Especially when they're feeling a connection with you. They can go to stuff down their needs. So, you know, when you're in a conversation with an Enneagram too, they're gonna be so lik. They're going to be pretty agreeable and they're naturally going to want to help you. And how you can help them grow and kind of step into more development is, you know, helping them have some boundaries. Absolutely. So Enneagram Threes, you know, they're the competitive achievers. They're like, see the goals, hit the goals. They're motivated by the need to be the best at everything. So it's funny when I watch people talk to an enneagram3 because I can feel their impatience, right? But threes are very confident, clear, concrete, efficient, solution oriented, enjoyable and straightforward in how they communicate. And so if you're communicating with an enneagram3 and you're not doing that, they're thinking like, they better make this fast. They better make this fast. Because they are impatient with lengthy conversations sometimes or emotional exchanges because it slows them down. It really does slow them down. They get angry when they're frustrated. They don't always fully disclose either. So they want you to make it fast. Right. Now, if you're an Enneagram theory, I want you to slow down a little bit because you are missing that more intimate connection. But I thought it would be fun for you guys to know when you're talking to an Enneagram theory, they're like, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And a lot of times their body language will be distracted. Right. They'll be looking past you. I see this all the time. Or looking to see who else might be in the room that you know, can help them or stroke their ego or whatever. And I'm not knocking Enneagram threes. You guys are the get it done people. But, you know, having the ability to slow down. But if you're talking to an enneagram 3, be direct, be quick, get her done. Now, the Enneagram Fours, the creative individualist, the romantic. They are very deep, intense, empathetic. They hold emotional space very well. They're non superficial. And they're very, very curious. Very curious. So they, like, you can get into a great conversation with an Enneagram for about anything. They're not rattled by it. It's why I love Enneagram Fours, because they're not, you know, rattled by my intensity. But what they're thinking when you're speaking, they're very intuitive. They can pick up on things that other Enneagram types don't. And they're thinking, is this authentic? Is this true? Are they telling me the truth? They don't like bullshit, right? So where they are challenged, though, is they're overly intense, sometimes moody. They tend to sometimes redirect a conversation to themselves so it can leave the other person not feeling like they're being heard. But just know if you're talking to an enneagram 4, no, you're going to get some juicy conversation. But they're always kind of scanning, is this authentic? Are they being truthful? All right. The Enneagram Fives, the quiet specialists, the investigators, you know, they're motivated by this desire to have information, to be equipped, be capable. And a lot of times they're the most introverted on the Enneagram, by the way. So if you're in a conversation with them, like, take that seriously, because they don't engage in small talk. They really are bored by it. Fives are very respectful. They're very stimulating, interesting, non intrusive. They're subtly amused. They're very observant. So if you don't speak like that, they're kind of thinking, I'd rather talk to myself. Or they might be like me and do like the Irish duck out and kind of exit scene. So being mindful, if you're speaking with an enneagram5, that this is kind of what they're thinking. So be short, sweet, non emotional. They don't love a ton of emotion. They can do it, but that's not their favorite thing to do. Because Fives, where they're challenged in communication is they're reluctant to share personal information or feelings. You know, they have controlled speech and body language, which can feel unsafe to some of the more feeling types. And they can be overly brief, where it's like, geez, do they even give a shit? They absolutely do. And they pay attention a lot more than you think. But if you're speaking to an enneagram 5, you know, be quick to the point, no fluff, real stuff, especially if it's a topic that they love to talk about. Now, the Enneagram 6, the loyalist, the loyal skeptic, you know, because they're very loyal, but they're also very skeptical. They are motivated by a Need for certainty that they're equipped, prepared, supported and safe, right? And where the six is, are very, very beautiful in communication. They're very complex, they're very inviting. They are the best collaborators on the Enneagram. They're serious, they ask tons of questions. So that can make the receiver feel like, gosh, they actually give a shit about me. They're witty, they're ironic, you know, but they're always strategizing. They're always kind of thinking of worst case scenario as well. Not just for themselves, but also for you. So when you're talking to them, sometimes they can kind of cut off hearing you because they're automatically going into like, have you thought about what if this? Or what if this? Especially if you're sharing big dreams and ideas, they can kind of come across like, they don't. Like they're dream killers sometimes, but it's just the beauty in that they are master strategists and thinking about worst case scenarios to keep the rest of us out of trouble. Because where they are challenged in communication is they can be overly reactive in their responses. Their excessive skeptical questioning of others can make people feel controlled. This was a big thing. And getting to know my best friend, her questioning made me feel controlled at first. And once I really understood I was dealing with a six, I was like, oh, she, she needs all the information to feel safe, right? Enneagram Sixes can become agitated or angry easily, especially if you are withholding information. So just know if you're talking or speaking with an enneagram 6, they're probably going to come back with questions and just be ready for it. It is coming from a place where they need certain, you know, especially if they're your coach or a friend or somebody who cares about you, they're looking out for your best interest. Now. Enneagram Sevens, the enthusiastic visionary motivated by a need to have all options available to them. They want the adventure, adventure parts of life. They want to know that anything is absolutely possible. They're very energetic to be in conversation with. You know, they're very light hearted, they're very fast paced, they're lively, engaging, they tell the best stories, they're super upbeat, they're very talkative and just kind of like the six where they're thinking about, you know, have you thought about this? The Sevens automatically, because they're that visionary spirit and anything's possible in their eyes. They can almost seem like they're not paying attention because they're thinking, here's another great idea and here's another great Idea. And here's another great idea. And I have some really close friends in my life that, you know, I talk business and stuff with, and they do have great ideas, and it's fun. And it's also hard because where they're challenged is, you know, sometimes they can tell long, long stories. They can be hard to follow in a sequence because they can appear all over the place. They are and can become easily distracted. They talk very fast. So for some of the other types that are more reserved, when you're around an enneagram 7, it can feel like a lot. But knowing that they bring a lot to the table will allow this, you know, to really have this great connection. But if you're talking to an enneagram7, just assume that in their head they're thinking about all these beautiful ideas for you. And it comes from a beautiful place. And they love the adventure. And watching other people take an adventure, even if it might be challenging for you, that's what they bring to the table in a way, like having a seven, you know, daughter, seven friends. I have it as a wing. Having really beautiful sevens in my life allow me to be more visionary than, you know, the challenger that I am. And so that brings us to the Enneagram 8. The controller, the active controller, the challenger. You know, Eights are very candid, direct, authoritative, straightforward, action oriented. Like they're the straight shooters on the Enneagram. And when you're talking to an enneagram8, you better be keeping it real. Even if it's going to be hard, even if it's going to change. Challenge them. They love when people go toe to toe. Now, here's the catch on that. We like it, but we will also push back. And it can be very intense sometimes. It can feel threatening at times, and it can be scary to be. To be honest with you. But if you can keep it real with an enneagram 8, the gifts that they can bring to your life are magical. But where they're challenged, it's very, very true, is that Eights are commanding and demanding. We have a command that and a standard in which we operate that. I've had this happen up until recently that because of that standard in which I operate, some people know that they can't hang in that. And so they'll kind of exit scene left, or they'll just, you know, decide that they don't want to talk to me, or they'll avoid. They'll avoid me. And that's fine. Like, it hurts sometimes, but I recognize that maybe they're just not ready. Eights are also very challenging. They can be difficult, dismissive. You know, I used to say things like suck it up, don't worry about it. And that is very disrespectful to most of the other types. But that's kind of how we operate. Eights can also become deeply angry quickly. So if you're going to challenge them, which we love, if you're going to be real, which we love, just know that there is a catch. So you know, Eights, my fellow Eights, being mindful that you know with great reward comes great responsibility in the power in which you operate does have a responsibility that you know, know that you want the very thing. But you have to be careful what you wish for and be mindful that not everybody operates like an 8. But if you're talking to an 8, no bullshit. Bottom line them. All right? And that brings us finally to the Enneagram 9, the adaptive peacemaker. The, the one that is motivated by harmony in themselves and in the world. And where they're beautiful communicators is, is that they're relaxing, they're very open, affirming, supportive. They establish rapport very, very easily. They make people feel non judged and included in everything. So a lot of times when you're talking to them, they're kind of just taking all the information in. They're like huh huh. Noted. Noted. Because they're really kind of weighing out how to maintain harmony and not disrupt it. Now, the healthier Nines aren't afraid to challenge directly because they know they care deeply, but because they are challenged in the ways that they have low expression of feeling, intensity, they're not always forthcoming with their own opinions or perspectives that, you know, if you're trying to engage with a 9 because of their need for harmony and their desire and motive to have harmony. A lot of times like, like I know in the past I've been frustrated with Nines. Like you want to shake them. You're like, I want your opinion. So know that they're thinking, uh huh huh huh huh huh. Like, and they're trying to maintain the harmony and really helping them with their own opinions and their own thoughts. And even if they disrupt the harmony a little bit, it will be really, really beautiful because out of all the Enneagram types, they have the ability to embody and adapt to all of us way better than any other Enneagram type. So I thought this would be a fun way for you to know when you're talking to the other Enneagram types, whether it's your life partner, your friends, your children, your business associates, just people you meet on the street. Little clues you can look for to understand. Maybe you know what Enneagram type I'm talking to now. That being said, this isn't the end all be all. Everything is about the motives and the core fears behind each Enneagram type. And like I said, if you really want to dive deeper into your own Enneagram type or, you know, finally make sure that you are typed properly. Because 65 to 70% of you are mistyped on the Enneagram, you're welcome to take this journey of discovery on your own. There's nothing wrong with that. Just be patient and kind to yourself as you do that. But if you are somebody that is like, I want this information. I want to use this tool. I want to know how to use this beautiful tool in my life. I know it is way more than this cute trendy personality thing. Then go to traceyomalley.com book a typing session with me, otherwise known as an Enneagram Kickstart session. I promise you it will be probably the most powerful 90 minutes of your life and I can give you the tools and show you how to integrate this so you can use it in all areas of your life. You know, I had somebody say that that, you know, spending time with me helped them move faster than 10 years of therapy sometimes. Now, I'm not making any claims, I'm just telling you what the people have said. And I love therapy. I do. I love therapy. I see my own therapist, but I understand that sometimes it moves slow and if you want to move faster in some parts of your life, then just do it. You can also find me on Instagram @tracy o'. Malley. If you have any questions, you can always hit me up in the DMs. I'm happy to share any information with you and guide you in a way that might help you integrate this a little faster in your life. I am always here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life so that you can do and be all that you were called to do and be in this lifetime. You guys, I'm so grateful for you and I will see you next time.

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