EP242: The Humbling Parts of Being a Mama, and Leading Your Children (and Inner Child) with Grace, Humility, and Compassion

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships, to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to the Leadership Formula podcast. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, and today I'm going to bring a very special episode to all my mamas out there. And even if you're not a mom, I want you to listen. Because chances are you have one or have had one, you know, one, maybe you're married to one, maybe you know, whatever this looks like for you, I think this episode will benefit everyone. But I think as parents in particular, that means even dog mama, or even if you don't desire to have children of your own or you're struggling to have children of your own, whatever this looks like. I think this message is very important because at the end of the day, even if you choose or don't choose, if it is out of your control of whether earthside, you are a parent or a mama, you do have a very important child within you that definitely deserves your very best self. The most important child you'll ever raise is the one inside of you. So in essence, you all are mamas or papas. Well, parenting, parenting is something that is not easy. Whether it's your own inner child or those that are here on earth or have gone on and like, if you're like me and have empty nesting kind of situation going on, you know, one of my biggest fears my whole life, even before I became a mom, you know, I knew I wanted to become a mom. And you know, by the grace of God, I was able to. I know many of you maybe are struggling and this is a very hard week for you. Maybe you're also like me and struggle with this week not because of the mom that you are or want to be, but because of the mom you came from. And none of this is to bash my own mother. She's beautiful soul. However, I didn't have the example that I needed for me, right? She did the very best. She Could. And so I know this week can bring up all sorts of stuff. It isn't always about the flowers and the oh, my God, my mom is amazing kind of moment. And I know there were moments that my kids probably weren't thrilled I was their mother. Right? And so, first and foremost, I want you all, whether you're dealing with your own mom. You are the mom. You want to be the mom. I want you to give yourself some beautiful grace right now. Because this shit's hard. It is. Because my biggest fear my whole life was fucking up my kids, right? Because I knew that even though I had the tenacity, the will, the desire to be an amazing mom, a part of me knew that it didn't have the tools necessarily to be the very best version of the mom that I wanted to show my kids. And, you know, I thought I could outrun, outwit, outlast, to move away and just kind of take the information that I saw about what a good mom was or what I believed a good mom was, and then just put that plan into action. And I'm here to tell you that isn't always what happens. In fact, we most often do what we are taught, told, or modeled. And sometimes that can be really, really great, and sometimes it's. It's the opposite, and sometimes it's somewhere in between. But I think the beauty of what I have learned as a mom over the last quarter of a century, I have children that are 24 and 25, and I'd say probably the first third of their life. I wasn't the best. I did the best I could, and I know that my kids have acknowledged that. But I also know that I wasn't the very best for what they needed. We've since then really worked on making up for that lost time, and I do believe I have. And I do believe that if my time on earth was called tomorrow, that I would feel really, really good about the amazing mom that I am. And I know my kids would agree. And that's not because I just decided one day. It's because I committed to the real hard work 22 years ago. So my kids were 3 and 4 when personal development was introduced to me. I was 28. So that was 22 years ago. And it wasn't mainstream. It wasn't at your fingertips like it is today. It wasn't talk about. And in fact, if you explored personal development or therapy, it meant something was freaking wrong with you. And as an enneagram 8, that's the last thing I wanted to admit. To anyone. So I was kind of a closeted personal development person, which meant I was just taking in information, taking in information, not willing to raise my hand and say, guide me through some of these tools so that I could have the confidence and integration capabilities of taking this and moving forward. And so it was like, although I would understand certain things, it almost made it harder because then shame kind of came up and walloped me upside my head. And I know there's a lot of you out there as parents, as mamas, that you know better, but you're maybe not doing better. And that is harder. I mean, ignorance can be bliss sometimes, truly, because if we don't know, then we don't have to necessarily do. But I know in the world we live in today, personal development, self help coaches on every corner, therapy, more of a courageous thing instead of a shameful thing. That even with all those things, a lot of it's just information and not enough people out there telling you and showing you how to integrate it in your life. And that's why your girl right here is very, very different. I don't promise you the world, but I do promise you that if you really integrate or work alongside me to integrate this stuff, that massive change can happen in your life. Doesn't mean it's going to be easy or without pain or life shattering sometimes, because life happens whether we're equipped or not. But when you have the right tools and enough compassion for yourself in your tool belt, you can handle anything. So one of the number one things that I would say as a mama, I think one of the number one things I get asked about, aside from business and leadership, is about parenting. I get questioned a lot. I do a lot of work with families, couples, a lot, because parenting is a mirror. It really, really is. And how our kids show up in the world or how we think they should show up in the world has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves or what we believe makes us look like good parents or good people. And so much of it, before you start beating yourself up, I want you to know so much of it is subconscious. We don't even recognize sometimes that we're doing that right. So the number one thing that I did in becoming the mom that I am today, and I, you know what? I'll go to toe to toe with anybody. The best thing I've ever done and the best thing I'm greatest at is being my kid's mom today. And there are people that might be listening right now that don't fucking like Me very much. And that's okay. I don't care. That's okay. I understand. I'm not always very likable. However, I am a phenomenal mother today. And the reason is, is not because I'm a good tactical mom, even though I'm great at that. I am a very good tactical mom. And that's what I used to believe was what a good mom was, right? But I'm a good emotional mom too. I'm a beautiful blend of the both. And how I got there was first and foremost really understanding myself enter the Enneagram truly. And not just knowing my type and sharing a meme or even making fun reels before I tried to figure out what my kids were or what their dad was, who I was divorced from, or wanting the secret sauce and how to, you know, understand my kids. I first needed to understand myself and how they may be receiving me. Because I knew first and foremost they were not wired like me. They're very different from me. And I didn't want to make them mini me's. I wanted them to be able to empower my kids to be the very best version of themselves. But before I could actually do that, I needed to understand how they may be receiving me. How not just my kids but other people might receive me. And that is a very humbling experience. That is not an easy thing to do. Now, the old me, the not the old me, but the maybe not as developed me would have been like, well, fuck that. Deal with me. That's just who I am. How many of you have said that's just who I am. That's how I was raised. So I got to deal with that, right? I was one of those people that would use that example. Like it's just how I was. I'm Irish. Like, deal with it. That is very irresponsible. That is very close minded. And honestly, if it wasn't my kids, I probably would have still believed that because it's very safe that way I don't have to be vulnerable. But I knew that I wanted something different for my kids. I really, really did. And the only way I could give them something different was to express myself differently. So really understanding myself as an enneagram8 and how my children might receive me, not even knowing what they were on the Enneagram or anything yet. And really getting to know myself and not with a shame stick. I know so many of you guys pull out a shame stick on yourself. You're like, God, you know, especially if your kids are going through shit, right? We could blame school systems, people of the world, society.

But quite often it's a reflection of kind of where we are. And even if we say all the right things, our energy never lies. So even when I was very good tactically and my kids never went without, and I even could come up with some power statements because that's just who I was, my energy never freaking lied. And when my energy was intense, it didn't feel safe to my kids, even when I believed it was intense for a good reason. So, number one is knowing yourself, how you're received, how other people might have a perspective of you, it doesn't make any of you right or wrong. We want to be effective right when. When you can finally humble yourself enough to say, you know what? I don't need to be right as a parent, as a mom. I just want to be more effective. And I want to empower my children to be the very best them they are supposed to be. Say that again. I want to be more effective in communicating to my children in a way that they can, and I can help empower them to be the very best that they were designed to be. And when I kind of put that away, and I always did, I always knew that I didn't want them to be like me. But I only know my language, right? So it meant I needed to learn other languages. And so that was. The next part is kind of discerning what my children were. And I say this a lot, and I'm going to remind you again, you know, there's a lot of schools of thought on the enneagram in children. I am one of them that absolutely believes in the power of it. Not in having them take an assessment and giving them a label or even telling them what they are. For five years, I had discerned what my children were. They were 14 and 15 when I was exploring this. And for five years, I never mentioned the word enneagram to my kids. But I figured out very quickly because I'm curious and I ask really beautiful questions to get to what motivates them and what their biggest fears were, to kind of narrow it down very, very quickly. And I nailed it. And I started speaking to them as though they were. And everything changed. And not only the way that we communicated with each other, but the way that they leaned into me and my wisdom, even though it's very different from them, the trust that they had in me, not just because I was their mom, but because I truly saw them, heard them, understood and valued them, them for who they were. Right that will change everything. That creates intimacy into me, you see. And my kids, absolutely, as teenagers started to feel that. And mind you, this started happening at a time where I had lost a lot of probably credibility. Things were not great in our life at the moment, but just my understanding of who they were and understanding who I was and how they might receive me changed the whole dynamic in our home overnight. Now it wasn't a one and done. Check the box. And we're off to the race. Knowing the Enneagram, it's using the tools day in and day out, builds consistency, credibility, trust, confidence in how we interact. Now one of the things I wanted to touch on is, you know, maybe you've got children that trigger you, right? Both my kids triggered me in very, very different ways at times. And when you understand yourself, you can understand why they do so instead of like having this tug of war match or the battle of the wills with your own child, especially whether they're toddlers or teenagers, both are very strong willed, right? One you do kind of have more control over, but still equally as triggering and challenging. I will tell you, I would much rather go to bat with a 13 year old than a 3 year old. Facts. But understanding why certain children trigger you. And I know there's some mamas and papas out there right now that may be hesitant to even say my kid triggers me because oh my God, what does that say about me as a mom? I wished for this child. I wanted to be mom more than anything, but I want to throat punch my own kids sometimes. There were moments that, I mean, I was like, I can't even believe, like this is my life, right? But when I understood, you know, with the Enneagram, knowing myself well enough, knowing that when we're triggered, it's because somebody has nicked our biggest fear, our biggest vulnerability, we can recognize that it isn't our kid that is actually triggering us. They're here to teach us something. And we can either kind of project or we can blame or we can stay in this tug of war of right versus wrong or, you know, whatever you want. Again, that's not going to be effective as far as harmony in your house or intimacy within that parent child relationship. Understanding that when our kids trigger us, it's because they nicked one of our biggest fears. So for me, my, one of my biggest fear is being weak, betrayed or violated. And there were moments that my son, when he was little or especially would challenge me in ways that like he would challenge me publicly, making me look like a weak parent. And Every part of me wanted to beat the crap out of him. Quite honestly, I never would. But like, that is where I wanted to go. And when I can't move into anger, which is what I prefer to do, it made me feel like a weak parent. And for a long time, him and I had this tug of war of wills when my daughter would trigger me, it was very different. You know, my daughter, she's a seven, my son is a two. Her being a seven, she's got this like, anything's possible, free spirited, doesn't like, necessarily think about other people all the time. And although I would use that anger to try and box her in, it was more because I was feeling vulnerable, that if I allowed myself to be more free spirited like her, I would be betrayed or violated. And so when you can understand yourself, this is why understanding, understanding yourself is the most important thing. Because anytime that we are triggered or get angry or get sad, it's because that biggest fear is being nicked a little bit. Okay? The other thing is understanding me as a mom, my motive for everything I do, I want to appear strong and not weak. Like, I want to show power and strength in the world. And although that kind of motive works for other eights, my children are not eights. So when I would try to have my son power through and not feel hard feelings, I was stunting his growth. Or when I was telling my daughter she needed to be strong and more focused instead of free spirited, I was trying to box her in too. And so understanding that how I'm motivated is very different than my children. Right? My motive is my motive, and there's nothing wrong with that. But understanding that my kids might have different motives allowed me to. Instead of being like this authoritarian parent, I was a better listener. And I just asked more questions of my children. Even as youngsters. I've worked with many families with kids under six. And you can ask beautiful questions of younger children and you will get the freaking truth. Now, what you want to make of that truth is totally up to you. But the more that we listen to the innocence of children, the less we have to unpack later, right? Because inside all of us is that beautiful inner child that was innocent before life kicked us in the teeth. So I think asking bigger, more beautiful questions of our younger kids will allow us to not only be better parents for them, but allow us how to be better teachers for our own inner children and unpack and uncover that innocence that's inside of you. Because when that innocence is allowed to be free, we are not operating from fear or lack or any of the things that keep us in coping mechanisms or other things that stunt our own personal growth, but also really drive a wedge in between that relationship between our kids and ourselves. You don't have to be like your kids. Your kids don't have to be like you. It is something that is so magical that happens when you understand that they're going to be different from you. And that's okay. I was watching over the weekend on Apple tv, there's this four part docu series called they Call Me Magic. And it's based on Magic Johnson, who in the 80s was like the NBA basketball players. He's amazing and just his story's magical. That's why, I mean, his smile was magic. Everything about his spirit was magic. Right. And going through the whole journey and, and his process of, you know, from the 70s, he's 61 now and just hearing that. And the last part of the docu series, part four was post basketball. If you don't know who he is, he was at the height of his game when he was diagnosed in 1991, HIV positive. And he had to walk away from the game at 32 years old. Right. He's in the prime and what he was going to do with that and, and do with his life moving forward and, and all of that and becoming a father and all of that. Anyway, one of his children, he has a son from a previous relationship and then his son with his current wife Cookie, and then they have an adopted daughter after their biological son, while their biological son. I don't know if he's transgender or not. I'm not positive on that. But he dresses female. He's beautiful. He's a beautiful, beautiful soul. But even as Magic was his par, the struggle of trying to have his child be what he thought he should be and just the evolution of not just magic, but his wife really embodying what EJ his son. How he would be able to not only express himself fully, but also feel the love, support, understanding, acceptance of his parents. Highly recommend it. But that is like the evolution of a parent is when we realize that we don't have to make our kids into what we want them to be, but knowing how to guide, lead, empower and build credibility and trust with who we were divinely given in this earth. And like I said, even if you're not a parent or you're struggling to become a parent or you choose to never become a parent, when you can find this beauty for the inner child in you, that's why this Episode is for everyone. When you can do that for that inner child, that innocent child inside of you before life kind of came and told you what you needed to be, this is where the magic happens, true magic. And you are able to step out into the world the way that you were divinely created. And I know for me, allowing myself to be that for my own children over a decade ago has allowed me to set little T free and let her be the beautiful, innocent, spunky, feisty, sassy little girl that she always was. But got that shelved. So, you know, if you are a mama here on Earth or any of those other things, just know that the more that you lean into this for yourself and your other kids, you're gonna let this other part of you become free. It's so beautiful. And when we can use the tool of the Enneagram to help us understand, have compassion and empathy and integrate growth into our own lives, we are able to freely give that to others, and especially the most important people that we're raising or that we have responsibility for. You could be an aunt, a friend, any of those things. You know, I've had great mentors in my life that weren't my mother, but were very strong women. And so even if you don't wear the title of mom, you are a beautiful woman here to do amazing things in this world. And I thought this episode would be very important for those that are hard on themselves or feel like they're fucking up.

People that they're raising or people that they may raise. I know some of you might even be holding off, even attempting to have kids, because you're like, God, I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't want to mess up my kids. Whatever your path and journey entails, whatever that looks like, know that you are here for something beautiful. And you have that little child inside of you that needs the mama inside of you. I promise. So, that being said, I love doing this work with people and introducing yourself to that inner child in a way that maybe you haven't before. I know some of you have said, I've done my inner child work. Well, there's a next level. And I go there with you in the most unweird, beautiful way. And I would be honored to do that, even if it's just in doing an Enneagram kickstart session. That's kind of where we introduce you to that part of you, what you do with it. You can take a few different options. You can kind of take that information and go on this beautiful discovery journey of the child in you and then take that into your own homes and whatnot. Or you can be guided through a process with me. And either way, I am here with you for you, championing not just you, but the inner child in you so that you can show up as the mama in this world that you were designed to be. Whatever that mama role looks like, whether it's from afar with somebody in your own home, any of those things, just know that I understand the beautiful reward and responsibility that comes with that. And I would be honored to go on that journey with you if that is something that you are being called to. Maybe you're listening to this episode and this week is hard for you. Like it is me. Even though I love being a mom to my children, it is very contrasting in my relationship with not just my own mom, but my stepmom as well. I've got a lot of stuff on the other end of this and we can hold both in the same place. We can hold the joy and the pain in the same hands at the same time. And neither is right and neither is wrong. They just are. And all I know is that as we raise our hand and say, I want to grow and I want to explore this beautiful journey and what I am designed to do and what I desire to be in this world, that we have to keep raising our hand and say I'm willing to do. Not just learn the work, but do the work. And if you know you're being led to doing that with me, please go to tracyomalley.com you can either do Enneagram Kickstart session, you can do an Enneagram experience, which is the Kickstart session and five additional kind of sessions, or you want the Holy Grail and want me on speed dial 247 for over three months, then go there and fill out an application. That's by application only. I don't take everyone. And spots are limited because that one takes a lot of my time and energy and beautiful resources and skills. And I love it. It's my favorite thing to do. But if you feel like you're being called right now, maybe you are in crisis in your own homes, or maybe you're in crisis in your own heart and in your own head, in your own soul. And you know that now's the time. Now's the time, mamas. Please go do that. It is my honor and privilege to walk this journey with you. Being a mom, not just to Casey and Joey, but Little T are the greatest things I've ever done. And I know that when my time on earth is done like that, my willingness to raise my hand and being committed to that process is something I'm the most proud of more than anything that anybody will ever see on the outside that I know I did right, I didn't always do it right. I will continue to mess up, but my intent and my commitment, unconditional commitment to the work and the integration of the work is what makes it magical. And so I just want to send a message of love, light, compassion, support. Whatever you're feeling this week. For some of you this is a huge celebration and I understand for some of you this is heart wrenching week. Whatever that means to you. Just know that I am here with you for you, loving you and knowing that you can hold both at the same time.

Thinking about each and every one of you. Thank you for trusting me with your journey and taking the time to not just listen and share, but to send me messages of how this has made an impact on you. You are why I show up to do this podcast day in and day out for over two and a half years now. It is one of my favorite things that I do in this lifetime is you allowing me to be in your ears and in your life every day. As always, I am here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life so that you can do all you desire and everything that you deserve to come come beautifully into your soul. Have a beautiful, beautiful weekend you guys and thinking about each and every one of you and I love you.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.