EP244: Special Episode - Why You Are Really Afraid To Be SEEN, and How To Have a Visibility Breakthrough with Special Guest Amber Lilyestrom

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships, to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how.

To get exactly what you want in.

Life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

So let's do this thing.

All right, you guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And I have a repeat guest because I love her so much, and we've been talking for, like, an hour just about all things in life, and she is one of my favorite human beings because she is who she is, and she's a straight shooter, and she delivers it in a way that is different than me, but we both have a.

Little bit of fire.

So she's a nine with an eight wing, Obviously, I'm an eight and I have a nine wing. So, like, we so get each other. We're motivated a little differently and all the things. But she is so wise and just real. And you know that I don't mess around with fake bullshit around here. I will always give it to you straight. And we both were feeling this rumble in the world right now, especially in this online entrepreneurial space about, like, growth and. And we see the Instagram stuff and we start to compare and. And then we start to make excuses for why we aren't growing. And we project our shit, or we shame our shit or we isolate our shit. Like, there's all these different things that come into play when it comes to why you aren't growing the way that you would like to. And I'm not innocent in this. We were talking and I was like, oh, that one's mine. That one's mine. And, you know, really being able to call yourself to the carpet with comp and love is what this conversation is going to be about today. So you guys are in for a treat. I have Amber Lillystrom here. She is one of my favorite people. She's a business coach, entrepreneur, bestselling author, speaker. Like, you name it, she's done it. But her soul is what makes her so beautiful. Those are just like, yay, I did that. But, like, what. What she brings to the table at a soul level for you, today is what makes her magical. And my friend Amber, thanks for being here.

Trace, I love you. Thank you so much. And I'm so excited to be here and to get to come back on the show and just, you know, we're going to just keep it really real here because I think that your listeners, I mean, they just. You guys, you have really important messaging to share. You have really important stories to get out into the world. Like, you. You've got a purpose. And you. You definitely would not be listening to this podcast if that were not the truth. And so we gotta have a little reckoning moment, I think, as a collective, around why we are holding back, why we're not showing up, why we're sitting there spending more time watching other people show up and then judging it and thinking all the things and not using that time to actually put forth our own messaging and mission and magic. I mean, that's what we're really here to crack open, I think today.

Trace, you know when you just said that I had this in my body moment because I transparently shared with you, and I've shared it on very recent podcasts about the month of April. Last month, I just celebrated my 50th birthday. And I've been really honest. It was the hardest month of my entire life. And what I noticed about myself, it's like, well, how I would play down, hide. You know, Apple tells me every Sunday how much time I waste on my phone and how much the percentage of time spent in nonsense went up during that month. What would you say? Because I know people that are listening right now. Yes. They're here for the straight shooting. They also respect maybe what I've done or the way that I operate. And I, too, am not immune to this. So for somebody like you, when you get into that cycle, because they call them cycles for a reason, right. They come, they go, we learn, we grow.

Yep.

Right. How do you typically move through that without it taking you out?

Yeah, I mean, fortunately, I think I move through them pretty quickly because I think it's my generator and I just have got my own number. And I know, at least at this point in time, like, wallowing in my inadequacies and staying in the place of, like, I have nothing to say and it's not helpful, has become sort of a flag for me that I need to support myself more. So I've created a synesthesia with that that when I can't create, when I can't write, when I can't get into my creative flow, that something is Off. And it's either physical, like, emotional, like, there's. There's something else that needs my attention. And I find that it's letting that be a signal rather than a condition or a state of being that I'm going to enter into and now start identifying with creates a very different response. And that has changed things for me over the last, you know, I would say, like, even just three months of really acknowledging that and going, oh, right, okay. And instead of then getting in this swirl of frustration and then making it mean something about my abilities and like. Or your character. Or my character. I also had this really interesting moment just happen last week, Instagram. It was like something crazy was going on my engagement. So I have over a hundred thousand followers, and usually my posts will have, I don't know, a thousand or more people engaging, liking, commenting or whatever. So, like, I know kind of what my typical numbers are on my posts, different types of posts. And my posts were getting trace 25 likes.

Wow.

Like, 68 likes. Like, 88 likes.

And she's not somebody that bought those hundred thousand. Those hundred thousand followers, by the way.

No, no, no. And. And so I'm like, what the hell? Like, what is going on? And, you know, my engagement was so low, and so I was realizing, like, well, nobody's seeing my stuff, so something's happening on the Instagram side where my content is not being seen. Now, I could easily have gone down the path of, like, I'm a loser. Nobody wants to look at my stuff. Nobody likes my stuff, right? But I just went to this place of, like, something is going on with Instagram, which is not a surprising sentence to say in this time space reality, right? And I just said to myself, just keep creating. Who cares? Just keep creating. Like, the cork will come back to the surface eventually. It's not going to stay like this forever. It can't. Like, that's so weird. This doesn't make any sense. This is not logical. So just keep creating for the people that are seeing it and wait it out, you know? And there was a couple moments where I was just like, all right, is this thing on? Like, what's going on here? And then I think it was probably almost like two weeks or a week and a half later. One day I just opened up my phone, and then there was, like, all these, like. It was like everything flushed back in. And I have no idea why, but the point being, right, I could have felt discouraged. I could have thrown in the towel and said, like, screw this. This is, like, useless. What's the point in this, like, I'm getting shadow banned. Something's going on here. And I didn't. I just kept creating and I just kept riding through it. And it almost like my rebel got hooked in a good way. My challenger was like, well, screw you guys. I'm just going to create great content and so the people that do see it are going to have a good experience because I care more about creating that experience than I do how many likes or hearts or comments are on there.

I think that that is such a beautiful point because anytime I have had more effortless success without the grind and the hustle and the force is when I approach it like that. Like, the Field of Dreams movie is one of my favorite. Like, if you build it, they will come and not build it because you're manufacturing some stuff that isn't true to you and what your gift and your calling is here on Earth. It's when, like when I build from that, that divine intuition, that divine knowing and using all these other things about myself that, you know, can trip me up from time to time as a compass instead of a whipping stick. Yes, that's when the shit takes off.

It's true.

So that being said, in theory, it sounds really easy to say, like, I'm just going to create. I'm just going to create. What kind of emotional and mental gymnastics have you had to navigate in order to get to the point where, like, you use it as a compass? You're like, ah, this doesn't make sense, but like, it, I'm going to just create. There are some people that may use that as a spiritual bypass. You use it as a compass. What is the difference and how do you navigate that?

Well, I just think about, like the, the logistics of being here in human and living in a physical body and also wanting to have a business. And there's just certain things that you have to do on the regular in the physical form in order to continue to engage with fellow humans. Like, like, I can sit there and meditate and dream about the spiritual soul contracts that I have with future clients that I want to connect with. And like, that's a, that's an important part of the process. But I also have to like, actually put some skin in the game. I actually have to like, express the inspiration and the ideas that are coming through me in a physical form and then translate that so that another human can perceive it beyond just like a little bit of a, you know, their tuning fork getting, you know, hit. That's kind of how I see it. It's Like, y', all, we. We have to. We have to show up. Like, you can't. You can't score the goal if you're not on the field. And as business owners, we have to show up. We have to actually allow ourselves to be seen. And that is the scary part. And that's, like, where the conversation gets really good. Because we can make up all these stories all day long about, oh, the algorithm. And I don't feel inspired today. And I hate reels. And it's pissing me off that I have to do them and they get incentivized over my static posts the way that I used to do it. And la de da da da. I hear you. I hear you. I've put that T shirt on myself. But the reality is, it's like there's a bigger story that's underneath here that we've got to actually look at. Because if you think that you're going to hit the big time and you're going to get invited to those stages and you're going to reach the revenue goals and all those things, that does not happen without you allowing yourself to be seen and witnessed.

I use this analogy a lot because, you know, so much of this manifesting, which I believe it. Manifesting is a real fricking thing. But you can't just, like, wish your way and affirm and speak all that into existence. Like you said, it's one of those things, like, this is a muscle you have to build. And we don't build muscles by learning about the muscles. Right. And understanding how muscles work. We build the muscle by actually getting them and breaking it down.

It does. Like, you can. You can literally grow your bicep muscle by thinking about it. Cause thought is action. But you want to really amplify that shit. Get in the gym and think about it and enjoy the process and actually crunch the weight. And you're going to be getting to your results a heck of a lot faster than just sitting there, you know, just envisioning it in your brain like it's a. It's a package deal.

Yeah. And the resistance.

Yeah.

Is what makes it grow stronger, faster. That's right.

That's right.

More effective. And so when it comes to being seen, like, I face resistance all day long. I don't want to fucking show up. I don't want to be online. I really want to magically have all of you show up and say, you know what? Trace? Like. Like, ideally, like, that is dreamy. Because it's really vulnerable to show up.

Yeah.

And I'm an A. I don't want that.

It is your last thing you want.

Yeah, I guess the last thing I want. And so hearing, like, yes. I got to build the muscle. Yes. In order to, like, make the goal. I got to take the shot. What would you recommend to somebody is their first thing? You know, I use the tool of the Enneagram, obviously, help identify, like, what my biggest fear is. It's always the vulnerability piece, every single damn time. Nothing else. So what do you use when you put the T shirt on and, you know, have your little temper tantrum? Right. Like, I do, too. What do you do to pull out of that with compassion? Because we can shame ourselves into action, but then we're just kicking the can down the street.

Yeah. I mean, I sink into. Well, like, what I would do as a nine. Right. And it's like, people need. Somebody else needs to hear this. Right. Like, this is a shared experience as a human. Like, I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way before. And. And so if it's coming through me, I really feel like the spirituality in that. Like, if this message is coming through me and I can't seem to make it go away, then there's a reason why it's coming to me, and it's a gift. And so. Okay. You know, it would feel a lot better because I really do get a lot of satisfaction in creating content. I enjoy it. Like, it's. It's a fun exercise for me. I love. I love being in my art. And so. And there's. I feel a deep sense of satisfaction after I do it, because then I get to watch. Even if it's, like, one person or two people, they got something from that. That one comment that somebody just says, I really needed this today. And then also knowing that not everybody's going to comment or you won't know who shared it, but you can see that 6 people shared it or 20 people shared it. And it's like, oh, wow, that touched somebody. And so that's just so deeply satisfying to me. It's kind of like, mission accomplished. And so that's how I kind of push my way through it. And sometimes I can really, like, collapse into myself and be like, it's so egoic, Amber. You think you're, like, gonna help everybody with what you think, and blah, blah, blah. And so then when I do that to myself. Cause that is a lane that will happen. Then the card I pull is right. But also, this business is really important to you, and you helping people, like, also, let's baseline. It. My little six comes in is like. But it's supporting our family. And so, like, all those parts of me come in and it's like, it's a good thing to stretch yourself here. There's nothing bad that's gonna happen if you challenge yourself to do the. I mean, it's not like my content is super controversial or anything either. So I'm sharing just inspirational stuff, having people think differently, new dimensions. So, yeah, that's kind of how the tambourine plays in my head when I'm kind of moving through that process. I will say, though, Trace, there are times where I'm tired, right? And I'm energetically, like, just not in a place to create. And so I give myself permission in that moment to tend to what needs to be tended to. Because if I chase my own tail and I'm like, I need to post. I need to post. It's like, it's gonna be terrible. It's gonna be reactive. It's not gonna have the magic in it. It's like I'm posting for the wrong reason. And again, going back to what I said earlier, that's a signal of a deeper ache. And in some cases, that deeper ache isn't going to be, like, solved in 10 minutes, 30 minutes, or even like two days or a week. It's like, oh, shit. Like, I need to go sit in the therapy chair or I need to go rest because I'm exhausted, right? And my brain isn't functioning properly because I'm just so overtired right now. So those are some of the things that I've had to reckon with too, where I'm like, oh, especially now in the season of life with a newborn and healing from our family. Just like Covid. And just my body's in a healing state, and so my brain is more tired, more readily than I'm used to. And so I've just had to be compassionate and just slow my roll. And so that's why I like to post in the morning if I can, because that's when my. And I'm not a person who can batch and all that stuff. I wish I could. It's just not really my strength. I'm more of a like, oh, it's coming in hot, and. And I'm ready to do this thing. And so that's kind of at least in the season, that's the way that I'm. That I'm sharing.

Yeah, it's interesting. Like, I'm not a batch person either. Like, but now I at Least, like, think ahead. It's like, well, Mother's Day is coming, so.

Yeah, yeah.

But, like, even my reel that I'm going to put up today, I'm not finished with it. Like, I already know, like, it's going to happen this week because it's, like, coming. But at least, like, think ahead like that, you know, one of the things that you said about, like, it keeps coming up. And I know in the past when it kept coming up for me, I would just, like, power through or, like, I wouldn't take the time to sit in it. And, you know, last month, like, I was saying, like, I was being met with so much pain, adversity challenges, new levels of vulnerability, professionally and personally, and that ability to, like, pause and like, what is this here to teach me? I've heard the phrase, like, it's not happening to you, it's happening for you. And I know, like, when you're in the middle of shit, like, want to punch somebody in the face that says that, even though it is true, it's like, what can I learn in this moment right now? What is this here to teach me? Right. Doesn't mean it's going to be without hard, though.

You know, like, my mentor was saying to me yesterday, like, what is the fatigue? What is the exhaustion here to teach you? And my original response, my whole body's just like, ah, I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to answer that. So I have to have that thought first.

Yeah.

And then I was able to sink deeper into it and be mature and let the lesson come through. And it was like, oh, that I don't. I don't have to effort so hard. I had this moment today. I was standing in the kitchen and I had created a reel, and we were getting ready to go to the playground, my kids and Ben was, like, going to do stuff. And I was just sitting there in the kitchen. I was like, I don't have, like, anything urgent that I have to do right now. Like, there's nothing. Nobody's hair's on fire. I don't have to, like, this is so weird because I used to try to fill that gap if there wasn't, like, something, if I would. And I was like, oh, I just, wow. My business is literally set up like that where I don't have to rush around and I don't really have to work that many hours. And it's. It's just like, whoa, this. It's crazy that this is now the reality that I'm living Because the old groove was like, stay busy, stay busy, stay in motion, do the things. And even social media was taunting me like that. And I was at this place of peace this morning and just standing there going, huh, this is an interesting feeling. So I just let myself feel that, you know, and that's really what I think the tiredness, the fatigue has really shown me. It's like you don't have to stay engaged and busy 24 7. That's not necessary anymore.

I fight that too because it's where I feel so powerful and strong and like I actually have control and safe. Yeah. And it actually doesn't. The ROI on that effort never pays off. But when I take a step back, it's, it never fails. Every time I go on a little like mini, not even like strategic hiatus, but I'm just not feeling it. And if I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to come up here and bullshit you, period. And it's not that I have anything to hide but. But I just got nothing. It never fails. Like business takes off, you know, Apple.

You get like amazing invitations, right? You'll get like opportunities will just land.

And it's like like four speaking gigs, two corporate clients, a one on one, like all this stuff and I was nowhere to be found. But I have earned that right. Because we want to talk about it. You and I have been doing this for 10 years. We didn't just show up and decide to start a business yesterday. Right. You and I have been at this game for a decade. And I'm not saying that we aren't still consistent and we show up. But we have gotten to the point that when we are in that resistance and we are having that internal and sometimes external temper tantrum, we also understand that with compassion and empathy of our younger self and the next version of ourself and the version we are today requires us to be seen not just by ourselves, but out in the world. Right. Where do you see that? Because I know a lot of people listening right now are maybe newer business owners or they don't have the traction they want. What is the thing that you see most happening as far as that issue? Because no matter how great your product is, your service, what your mission, your calling, your nonprofit, whatever it is, if people don't know about it, people don't know about it.

Yeah, right. And I think it goes obviously so much deeper because obviously your product or your service can't get in front of people without you. And what sells the most quickly and the easiest tale as old as time is, you, your magnetism, your frequency, your energetic, the way you make people feel, the way you compel people by being exactly who you are. And so all of you are maybe saying, well, I know that, but that's where the challenge lies. Because for a lot of us, we were raised as kids to be seen and not heard. We were told, like, speak only when you're spoken to. We were following rules. We were not making waves, because if we were, we would get yelled at, we would get slapped, we would get put in detention, right? So we really learned this paradigm of obedience and shrinking away and being smaller and being quiet. And so I coach women ages 20 to 70 who are still working through that paradigm. And I see it every single day. This wanting to put this business out into the world and then taking months to actually put something on social media to get the website live to make an offer or actually sell something or invite people in. It's like, I mean, I've had some clients where it's been years that they keep talking about what they're going to do, and they don't do it, they never do it. And so there's reasons that live inside of it. And one of the big ones is what I just said about this, right? But what we have to do is we have to grab the rope and. And we have to be willing to walk back and look in our stories at where that originated from. We have to go back. We have to understand why. And so some of those are, you know, some of the big ones are that piece of. The obedience piece, like being permissive, model, not wanting to stand out and being punished, if you will. Another one is the physical appearance one. And this is a huge, huge, huge one. And I think it's really tricky to this. This sort of drama out there that I see constantly of, like, I'm going to go filter free, and then, oh, I'm going to. I'm just like, you know what? Do whatever the fuck you want. Use a filter. If you want to use a filter, don't. If you don't want to, stop insinuating that it's a bad thing. If you do let people live, okay? If they're showing up with their face on camera, whether it has a filter on it or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that they're actually having the courage to show up and show themselves. And right now, I laugh. I'm like, I love it. I love the filter that I use. Yeah. You know, and then somebody's like, oh, my gosh, you look so fresh these days. I was like, yeah, it's because I use a filter. And also, like, I don't in other moments too. And it literally doesn't matter. Do what you want. So this physical appearance piece, though, I don't have to tell you this, right? It's like if there's a hornet's nest, there's. If you were told that your nose is too big, if you were told, if you were identified as a kid. Like, I was told that my whole childhood growing up that I was. I was big, right? Like, I'm big boned and all of this. And I've always felt I had an eating disorder for 15 years. I've always felt like the biggest girl in the room. And I know I'm super dysmorphic about it, and I just have gotten to the place in my work. I've did years and years and years of therapy around it. It's just like, this is the body that I have. And if you have a problem with it, that's your problem. It's not mine. And so I just live in the body that I have. I have good days, I have other days where I maybe am like being weird about clothes or something, but it just doesn't get in the way. And this is why I'm saying, like, can we just let it be easy for ourselves? Can you just have fun with it and try to, like, what makes it easier for you? That's what I'm interested in. Because there's so many psycho psychological things, psychosomatic challenges that come up here that it's like, girlfriend, what makes it easier for you? Let's choose that pathway.

I love that you brought this up because, like, the insinuation of there's something wrong if you throw a filter on it or anything like that. I don't give a shit what you look like. I don't care. I want to know, does your message have a filter? Because that's the real issue.

That's the real issue.

Yeah, that's the real issue. That is it. And if you are filtering your message, that's a bigger problem than if you filter your freaking face.

And I just say this like, let's have some compassion. We all have insecurities. Some of us have skin challenges. Some of us were told the certain things about the way that we look when we were kids, and we're still trying to work through that. And when I'm standing here holding this thing, talking to myself, I'm right. Like, I'm saying this kind of globally, like, it's triggering. If you're trying to work through this and then you. I mean, how many of us have had the times where we try to do stories or do something and we're like, oh, God. And we just delete it?

Yeah.

And we're like, forget it. I'm not doing that. Every one of us has had that moment. So to me, I just go, you don't know what somebody is dealing with, so stop with the judgment if they have a filter on or whatever. Like, if you're doing that, please take a moment to look inward and ask yourself why you're judging somebody else for that. Because that's actually the real tell here, and that's a real opportunity for growth. That's a real inroad. Judgment is like this beautiful amplifier. Anything that I judge, I'm like, ooh, let's go look at that. Because there's some opportunity and information for you here and something for you to release. And so I really, I'm just. I'm very passionate about this one topic because I seen the pain that so many of the women that I love and I get to support don't ever show themselves. It's like, why am I scrolling through your Instagram feed and there's not one picture of you yet? You're trying to. To sell people into coaching with you. How are they gonna trust you if they can't see your face?

I Talk about the 3Js all the time that are robbing you of everything that you deserve and desire. And it's judgment, jealousy, and justification. Like the thing about the face, right? I've heard this. I've used this excuse. Well, I show my face, but it's usually like, not this polished up photo shoot. It's like a selfie or something silly. But the justification that some people might be like, that's not shareable content. Nobody's going to share a picture of me, so why would I share my face? That's a justification. That's bullshit and you know it. Right? So when. When we do find ourselves in judgment, whether it's, you know, I'm one of those that will way more harshly judge myself than anyone else. Oh, yeah, right.

Me too. Me too. How.

How do you navigate that when you catch yourself?

Well, yeah, I just go into it. I just go, wait, like, hit the pause. Let's look at this. Let's walk around here for a minute. And what I will find often is if I create something or I'm doing something and then I feel a judgment come up, I reverse engineer the Motivation.

Yeah.

So it's like, wait, but why did you think you needed to do that in the first place? And then what I will usually discover is it was like, oh, I thought. I thought if I did that, it would make me look more credible or something. Like, it would. I saw somebody else do that, and I'm like, oh, then you weren't even being in your lane of authenticity, so you just don't have to do that. And so then I can, like, let myself off the hook. I'm pretty quick to let myself off the hook in this season of Life in ways that I absolutely, 1 million percent was not in the past. But I just have learned. You know, I said this to Ani when we were getting ready today. We were. She was in the bathroom with me, and she loves sometimes to just, like, put makeup on and do that with me. So she's putting her little gold eyeshadow on.

So cute.

And I said. I go, you know what's weird, honey? A lot of people, like, even me, spent a lot of time saying mean things about how they look. And I go, isn't that weird? And she goes, yeah, that's so weird. I'm like, why would we be mean to ourselves when we know that that's only gonna hurt us? And she was like, I know. That's so not helpful. And I was like. And also, like, God gave us these bodies that are unique and only ours, and, like, we get to do with them whatever we want. Like, why would we compare that to somebody else's? Like, that doesn't even make sense. Right? And she was like, it makes no sense. And I was like, do you ever feel critical or, like, judgmental of your. Of you, like, how you look or your body? And she's like, no. Like, cool. That's cool.

I love. I love that, you know, like, you and I grew up in an era, and most of the people listening where, like, we didn't have the, you know, environment to, like, you said, we're better seen than heard. Right?

Like, right.

We didn't have or woke enough parents or, you know, they didn't have generations before them that talked about any of that. Because if, you know.

And think about how judgmental they were. Right?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh. I think about the way that bodies were talked about by my family.

Oh, my gosh. From the time I was, like, four, I'm still.

If I am in a place where there is somebody who has a larger body and I'm in the presence of one of my parents, I am I feel anxious because I'm afraid of what they're gonna say. And so I will. I've. I've really had to be super direct with both of them in the context of. I said, we don't talk about people's bodies in any sort of disparaging or negative way ever in this family. That's just not what we do. And it's. That's a fundamental shift from how I grew up. And so that was like, oof. You know, that's. It's. That was uncomfortable, but. And I obviously understand why I felt those thoughts about myself, because I was literally programmed to believe that I wouldn't belong. Like, I wasn't welcome here if I was. I would be talked about like that if something was wrong with my body, you know, beyond what the ramifications were of how I grew up.

And I love that you brought this up, because the physical thing is a real thing. It's a big thing, why they're not showing up. And reverse engineering is one of my favorite things to do, and it's why I love the Enneagram so much. And, you know, once, you know, like, you. You know, like, oh, of course. Here, let's. We can reverse engineer at a rapid pace when we know what our core motive and core fear is. And looking back in the story, I know, like, there've been, like, quote cards, and I, you know, I faced resistance when I want people to kind of look back in their timeline, they're like, well, it's already happened. I can't change it. Why would I go back there? It's like, well, we're not going there to, like, sit in the pain, right? We're going back there to connect some dots and to make sense, reveal, and to change maybe a belief that at the time felt very real. But we know now that that's holding us back. How do you encourage people to look back in their story and reverse engineer their way out of the things that keep them from showing up?

I mean, we just do it, right? Like, it's not an easy walk at all, and it's a necessary one. And so we just compassionately navigate that walk to the best of our ability. And, you know, I just. As a coach, I have this ability and a gift to be able to just really hold there with people and look at it, but not from a place of incrimination, but from a place of celebration. And I really, really live that way. In fact, I think it's very annoying to my clients sometimes because they will have revealed something that feels really bad. And I'm literally, like, pumped. I'm excited. I'm celebrating them. I'm like, girlfriend, this is a eureka moment. Because now you get to be free. And that's what we're after. Now you get to be at peace with yourself. Now you get to have that joy. Now you get to actually have a conversation about loving yourself. This is the promised land. This is the good stuff. And I know that I have to be my own example of that. So therefore, I am complete charlatan if I'm sitting here doing that work with you and then I'm not willing to do that with myself. So it just holds me in integrity. My work holds me accountable to doing that inner discovery stuff. And to have those deep conversations and to be with my mentor and say things that are judgmental or say something and not even realize that I'm being judgmental. And then she'll be like, oh, well, that there's a judgment there. And I'm like, oh, yeah, there totally is. Thank you for spotlighting that for me. So I can really look at that. That's an opportunity.

One of the things that I really definitely remember, like, and I'm good about speaking up. And it's not necessarily vulnerability. Like, if we're just dumping all of our shit, that's not vulnerability. Right. There's a big difference in, like, spewing and dumping and venting versus, like, I'm scared. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I know that I will always stay as stuck as the secrets and bullshit I tell myself. Right?

Yeah.

And so, you know, a lot of times the word compassion is thrown around. And what I see with a lot of people, whether it's you're giving compassion for somebody else or, you know, what you think is compassion for yourself is actually enabling and co signing on not just your own bullshit, but other people's. So what is the difference between having compassion for ourselves versus making excuses of why we're not doing something?

The line is so fine.

It is.

So I'm so glad you talked about that. So I think for me, the tether, like the anchor point is, why am I telling myself this story right now? Right? Like, is it really coming from a place of true compassion or is it coming from a place of justification? Yeah. And from a place of trying to excuse myself from something that feels really hard that I just don't wanna face. And yet, as I say that, as those words leave my lips, I can have compassion for myself that I wanna do that. So it's like compassion is always available. And so that is like really my softest place to land. Like I'm so grateful that I have access to that. And I think it's also gonna require a level of honesty that is really uncomfortable. You know, it's, it's like you are, you are going to be uncomfortable here and you can be compassionate when you're bumbling around in that place of discomfort.

You know, I, when I go to Compassion because I can go into justification or judgment and it can, like you said, that line is very, very fine. Like am I, am I buying my own bullshit here or am I shaming my way out of this or any of the things and how I always know that I'm in Compassion is like if there was a four year old sitting right next to me, how would I feel? Speak, embody what I am saying to myself, to her. And I've told you before, I have this picture of myself as a four year old here because that's where it all started for me as a four year old. The belief system, the motives, the fears that was all in that little face. And when I think about that's where it all started, like for me to pull out a whipping stick on myself, I'm doing it to her, right? And so I encourage all of you guys to find a picture of yourself if you can, of when you are about that age and keep it. I kept it as the lock screen on my phone for about three years to remind me because I'm not always sitting at my office when the shame hits or you know, any of that comes up.

You have one too.

There's me, there's Ani. So I have her there too because she holds me accountable to myself just by being who she is. Yeah, yeah.

Isn't it great? Like you and I both have daughters that are sevens and free spirit and just like they're world changers for sure to be our greatest teachers. And I love that. So I know that you like this is what you do all day. You walk your talk as much or more than anybody that I know, which is why I freaking love you so much. And it's rare, you guys, there's a lot of manipulative marketing and bullshit out there and easy buttons and Amber and I are both here to tell you if you're buying that you're just going to sell yourself short every fucking time.

And if you're perceiving it, you're not wrong.

Correct?

Yeah, you're not wrong. So just like trust yourself, you know, trust yourself. If it's coming up for you. If it smells funky, then it probably is.

Yeah. Yeah. And I know if you're listening to me, you already are kind of, like, seeing that, because, you know, I won't. I won't ever do that. Like, I don't.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Here's the thing, though. It's okay to. It's okay to wish that it would work. I.

God damn it, I wish it would. Oh.

I mean, there's so many diet things.

I've bought believing, like, oh, this is the one.

This is it. It's okay to want it to be it, and then to realize that it's not, and then, like, six months later to fall for it again. And that's like. That's where the compassion comes in. Because you're like, oh, shoot, I did that again. Okay. There's still something there for me to look at. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know, so I just. We are with you in all of that.

We are with you, and we also want you to find the gift in the compound effect, because one of the things like that. We've had longevity for the last 10 years and what we do. And you and I have both evolved differently in our businesses over the last 10 years, and the things we do and our beliefs have changed over the 10 years, and there's nothing wrong with, like, yeah, I used to believe that, and it was true then, and it's not now. And the compound effect of showing up whatever we were at the time has paid off. And I never want anybody listening to just be so focused on the more. The vanity, the. The following. Like, what you said, knowing you made a difference in one person for me. Knowing that I may never see the thousands or millions of people that that little moment created change in this person to have an impact. And I believe that if I make that kind of difference in somebody's life, that I will be beautifully, abundantly blessed. Maybe not always monetarily, sometimes with energy. Whatever it is. I know that there's a divine gift for each and every one of us, and I know you feel that, too. It's hard when your bank account's running dry or, you know, the scale is creeping up or your health is taking a hit or your relationships are making a mass exodus, which we didn't even touch on that part.

Yeah.

But knowing that you're exactly where you need to be today, but what are you going to do to move forward? And I know that you're creating always. You're like, I'm so inspired by your creativity and what magic you bring to the world. What is the thing right now that on this subject of being seen and knowing we gotta be seen, but we're also holding ourselves back and inhibiting our growth. What can they get into with you right now that will help with that?

Yeah, so I'm hosting a, for lack of a better way to frame it, a four day challenge on May 16 that week, so through Monday through Thursday. And it's called Scene, your visibility breakthrough. And it's so good. Yeah, it's. We're gonna, we're gonna go into these topics. We're gonna talk about the physical appearance piece. We're gonna talk about the being afraid of what others think piece. We're gonna talk about the imposter feeling unqualified piece. We're gonna talk about the fear of success. Right. Like all these blockers and dynamics that come up that stop us from showing up. And, you know, I think that's one of the deepest aches that I see with the women that I have the gift of getting to serve. And men too. Right. It's just that there's this deep seated fear around being witnessed about being seen, about being vulnerable, about being betrayed or abandoned or having what you say used against you. It's like there's so many deep roots. And so we're going to, we're going to go look at those roots and help you figure out what yours is so that you can start to take the action that you know you want to take and get you plugged into your purpose in a way that is really, really meaningful and hopefully easier. I just want to help this be an easier process for you. I get that it's challenging and I hope that this conversation today already started to facilitate that transformation and open things for you. But we're going to go, we're going to go in deep on this over those four days. And you can go to amberlystroem.com/s e e N to sign up and get on the list for it and connect and go through these trainings yourself and hopefully make some shifts. And here's the thing. Tracy and I will tell you this, we will say this with our hearts wide open. The world needs what you have to say. The world needs to see you. The world needs to connect with you. The world needs it. Like I just. And here's the thing, I'm not bullshitting you, you know it, you feel it, right? You're like tired of hearing people say that. And that's a sign that you gotta get in the arena. It's like that moment when you go, I'm so sick of my own bullshit right now. I am so tired of just, like, holding back. All of my clients say this, and I say, yeah, it's time. It's time. And it's also okay that it's been challenging, but now we're gonna equip you with a new way of thinking and some courage and some magic and some firepower, and we're gonna get you getting yourself out there because it's.

Oh, my gosh, I love that. You know, I love flowers and flower gardens. And, you know, what you just said kind of made me think of this. You know, we love the beauty of the. The fruit, the flowers, but there's some pruning that has to happen and weeds that come and try to rob the beauty of the garden. Right. And for some of us, we want the easy thing. We would just want to, like, spray the weed, be gone on it, and creates a bigger problem, and we're just kind of kicking the can down the street. The only way to really not have that beautiful garden of beauty and your mission and your calling and your being seen to not be infected is to pull it up by the root.

Yeah.

There's no easy way around it. And I. You guys know, I don't bring a lot of people on and promote their stuff because quite honestly, there's a lot of yahoos out there. But there is nobody next to me that I highly recommend pulling your stuff up by the roots than Amber, and she over delivers every damn time. So get into this challenge. Go to amber lillystrom.com scene.

You got it.

Oh, my gosh. I will be there. I will be there. It starts next week. You guys get in. Sign up for it. It's free, right?

Yeah, it's free.

Yep. Unreal, you guys. Unreal. Amber, I love you. I love you too, so much. I love your friendship, your wisdom, your heart, your nineness, your Virgo ness.

All. All your things. Your. All the things that you are are such a gift in my life. Thank you.

I appreciate you so much, and thank you for the opportunity to have this conversation. There's just. These are always the best conversations of all being.

I need. I need the reminder as well. Like, it doesn't just go away. We don't do the work once and then, like, check the box. It Right. Like, new levels require new levels of growth, and conversations with you always spark that in me. So thank you. You guys go follow Amber on Instagram at Amber Lillystrom. She's got the blue check mark. If it doesn't have the check mark, it's not her. Go to her website, Amber Lillystrom.com, listen to her podcast. Listen to all things Amber. She will speak so much life, love, wisdom and grace into your hearts and into your soul and into your business, my friend. I love you.

Love you too. Thank you, sister.

All right, you guys, we'll see you next time. If you love this episode, please take a screenshot. Let us know what you loved or even if you hated it, I want to know that too. I doubt that that's true, but it means the world to us to know that we made an impact in your heart and your soul today. Until next time, you guys. Here's to becoming the ultimate leader in your life.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.

Life.