EP245: When the Haters are Comin' in HOT... How To Navigate the Who, Why, And What to Do About It With Elegance

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. In today's episode, I wasn't sure if I was going to record this or even share it with you, quite honestly, because it's kind of something that's very raw and recent, and I usually share things once I can really offer you a solution. And even though it's raw and recent, you know, that's the beauty in doing a lot of this work on yourself, is you can move through this fast. And I did. And so even though it's just a few days fresh, I have beautifully and elegantly moved through it and know that it can help you. And while I'm still fired up about it, I figured it would be a great time to bring this little nugget of wisdom and integration to you, because I can tell you all the stuff in the world about this and that and this and that. But the reason you listen to me is because I actually tell you what the hell to do with some of this information. And I used my Enneagram tools. And this is the beauty in when you are triggered and fired up. You know what fired up looks like for you probably looks different than fired up for me. But I figured I would share this little painful nugget. It's very, very hard. And it's coming off the heels of Mother's Day and my birthday, a season, which is typically kind of hard for me for lots of reasons, and I'll explain. But the ability that I had to move through it is a true testament to this work and the unconditional commitment to, you know, I'm here for the process until my time on Earth is done. And that's the beauty of this work, is just knowing that, you know, there's new layers to it. Just because you get triggered by something or something bothers you or maybe even takes you a little off roading, doesn't mean, you didn't do the work well enough the first time. It's just a new layer has been exposed and it is being exposed because you are equipped and capable today and ready to move through it.

Here's the story. So, you know, it's really easy for us to say fuck the haters and screw them. And I'm moving forward. And that's not in alignment with me anymore. And it's really easy to say, it is easy to do, but then we have to grieve and we have to feel the feelings. And you know, I have spent the last really hardcore decade, but 22 years really chipping away at unlearning a lot of the generational stuff that I have learned. And you know, I want to preface this by saying, like, I love my family very, very much. I really, really do. And they're very beautiful people and there's a lot of dysfunction in it. It doesn't make anybody wrong or bad. However, I have chosen that I can't thrive in that kind of environment. So I'm having to unlearn old things, build new beliefs and behaviors to embody who I am and always have been, but was kind of clouded coping mechanisms and protection and all the things that I, you know, had. I'm also unlearning generations of harm, you know, and abandonment and neglect and remembering what love feels like and innocence feels like. And in that unlearning and rebuilding, we shine our light. And it makes people feel uncomfortable. And specifically the people that are part of maybe your family of origin or the people that were part of that process. And on Mother's Day, which is typically a very hard day for me for a few reasons, you know, I don't have a relationship with my mom currently, whether it's my birth mom, my stepmom. I have a beautiful relationship with my ex mother in law, however, which is crazy, and my ex stepmother in law, which is very ironic. I've been divorced for 15 years, yet I have a very, very beautiful relationship with both my ex mother in laws. But Mother's Day has always been very, very hard. Not because my mom is a bad person, because she's beautiful. She was just and has continued to be incapable of the emotional support and things that I need. Okay? And so I don't hear from my mom on Mother's Day, I don't hear from my mom on my birthday. It's been five years really since I've had a relationship with my mom. And it's hard because she's not malicious, but she's also it's not good for me. So anyway, on Mother's Day, you know, I'm you know, holding sadness and grief and also beautiful joy and excitement because I the greatest thing I've ever done is become a mom. And I'm an amazing mother for what my kids need today, right? Not based on my kind of measuring stick, but I know I'm a great mom because I am what my kids need from me collectively and separately, right? So I can hold joy and beauty and excitement and also grief and sadness and loss in the same day. And I do. Now the other reason Mother's Day was really really hard for me is cause I found out about my ex husband cheating on me on Mother's Day. So I've had to really let go of holding onto what that date meant, what Mother's Day meant. And you know, I am really embracing it. And on Mother's Day I decided to a social media post and it wasn't throwing shade at anybody, but it was speaking my truth that like I'm not the most well liked person. I have had a lot of people exit my life. However, when I was in my dysfunction and co signing on the dysfunction of the things that were taught told and modeled for me, there was plenty of people in my corner and there were tons of people cheering me on and there was a lot of fricking noise allowing me to stay in that dysfunction. Because when we are in the pit, people are more comfortable in the pit, right? They can look at their lives and like, well, at least I'm not that bad. And that was kind of my experience. I take full responsibility of myself being in the pit. However, you will notice the more that you're in the pit, the more that people are like there now. When I really got serious about my personal growth and non negotiable unconditional commitment to be willing to surrender and lose anything that didn't align with that, people started exiting left and right. Some were a little slower than others. I would say that especially in the last four years as I've accelerated my emotional intelligence and been speaking more boldly about it, I went from being network marketing and being a social seller and all those things to a thought leader in this space. I'm a very strong thought leader in this space and the more bold and loud and in integrity I am in my work, the more that people I never thought would say or leave have done so. And some of the closest people in my life and if they're listening right now, just know that I get it and I love you. Chances are they've written me off and they'll never hear this. But in case they should down the road or at any moment, know that I understand. I understand that when somebody is standing so boldly and firmly in their light, if you're not ready to do that, it makes you really uncomfortable. Judge me, Project. I don't. It's okay. It's okay. It's still really painful. And I have to go through my grieving process because that doesn't feel good and especially when there isn't a conversation or an explanation. My ego, of course, wants that, but my soul already knew that soul contract was over and that part of the story is over, and it was time to turn the page. Now, that being said, I did this social media post on Mother's Day, and if you're curious what it looked like, you can go back and look, it's on Instagram and Facebook. But I basically said, as I have stepped into my light and honored and stood in integrity with who I say that I am, you know, people have left friends, peers and family, and it wasn't throwing shade at anybody. And I don't have any icky energy around it. However, it is painful and I was honest about that. And it's been beautiful for my kids to see what to do with those feelings because the fact of the matter is, yeah, fuck the haters, but I still have to grieve the loss. And if we just say fuck the haters and don't process the sadness that comes with that, the hurt, the anger, all the things that come with grieving, that's going to keep showing up and we can't move into acceptance or transformation. So although I don't love the sad parts of this, I'd much rather stay in anger because that makes me feel really powerful. As an enneagram 8, I had to feel the sadness about, you know, the loss of family. It's painful. Anyway, I do this social media post and, you know, and I, when I decide to post, I'm so random. I don't do it and I don't check the likes or things like that, like to determine if it was a good post. I knew why I wrote it and it was important and I kind of just signed off. Well, my kids went on Mother's Day later in the day with their significant other's family. So I had a little time to myself and a notification popped up from a family member who I never hear from. I forgot we were even friends on social media. And I was like, oh, wow, Maybe they have something nice to say. Maybe I, you know, who knows? And this family member completely verbally assaults me on my post, basically saying I am teaching my kids that family is not important. And how dare I say that? You know, they left me. I'm the one that left. And I. Shame on me for saying that. They left me. Now. I appreciate you all wanting to protect me right now and I don't want you going and saying anything on here. I appreciate the fact that you care about me. I'm a big girl and I can handle my shit. So I was fucking fired up though. The Enneagram ate in me, was like, oh, hell no. How dare you do this and try to make me look bad in front of people. My ego was like, oh, hell no. My ego was like, I'll show her. The eight in me wanted to. To annihilate her back because I felt betrayed and violated, which is the biggest fear, or becoming vulnerable, which is the biggest fear of an enneagram 8. And based on whatever your Enneagram type is, how this triggers you might be different, right? Like my twos, like my son was like, very, because he's my helper. How he responded to it, how my daughter responded to it. Very, very different reactions. And both understandable for their fears and their motives based on their enneagram type. But for the eight, you know, being betrayed or violated or put in a vulnerable situation, which for people to see somebody that is family say something like that about me is very vulnerable. It's like, oh my God, like she's this thought leader and helps people in communication. And here she has her own family, you know, basically calling her a piece of shit. And so the old me would have just been in reaction like that. Eight is a very assertive type. And we don't have. Typically it's not our strength to pause, but I have really conditioned this muscle over the last decade to know that, yes, I'm feeling a certain way about this. Let's have a sacred pause here to get to the root of why this bothered you, right? And So I took 24 hours, which is what I usually recommend, especially if something is very triggering for you before you even respond, text back. And I wasn't sure what I was going to do about it. So after almost 24 hours of a sacred soul searching pause, I understood why I was mad, right? I felt betrayed by my family. And in the post, even though I wasn't throwing shade at anybody and it wasn't attacking and it wasn't cryptic at all, obviously she Felt defensive of what I was saying, even though, like, I haven't had a conversation with this family member in 10 years, nor has she had a conversation with my children. In fact, my daughter's like, who the fuck is that anyway?

Right? But the fact is, is I was. I still needed to grieve a little bit more. That I have to let go of a lot of my family, a big, big chunk of them, again, doesn't make them bad. They're just on a different path than me. I did have something to say and I said, I'm going to keep it brief and here's what I have to say. I'm like, for you to say those things and make assumptions without having a conversation with me. Now, listen, I know who she's been chatting with. It's clear where that information came from, right? And that feeling and that defensiveness, she was protecting her sister, my mother, or my sister, her niece. And I get it, but she's only heard one side of the story. And my phone number has not changed in 15 years. And that's what I said. I'm like, I am absolutely open always to an honest and open conversation with those that are capable without being abusive. And the fact that my phone number hasn't changed in 15 years, you can do with that information, which you choose or don't. But at the end of the day, I stand beside the truth that I know and the truth that I live day in and day out. And what I do know to be true is that I will not receive shame. Shame keeps us stuck. Shame will always keep us stuck. It is a cycle that serves no good. And I know that anybody that truly, truly cares about me and my children would never wish shame on us sending you nothing but love and healing energy your way. And I meant it. And I meant it and I released it really hard. Really hard. And, you know, part of me wanted to delete the post or delete the comment and just pretend it didn't happen. And there have been moments that I have done that with certain things in the past. It's like that just breeds negative energy. But I believed this was important to keep there. I did. And also understanding that her making that kind of judgment on me didn't make me look bad. And in this forum where it's freedom of speech and. And I'm a very public person and my. All my social media handles are public so that anybody can stumble across them. They don't have to be friends with me to stalk me. I am very aware that the people that dislike Me strongly are following along. I get it. And I'm okay with that. I've done it with other people and that opens me up to stuff like this. And I, as a thought leader and as somebody that teaches this in the most integrous way, because I do walk my talk, I recognize that I'm going to make some waves and people that are or have been part of my life will not like it. And that's okay. That's okay. Now there's still work that I need to do around this. It's not just like fuck the haters. And I get it, like zero fucks given. I'm in that zone right now and it's beautiful. And there's a difference between zero fucks zone and shoving things under the rug and just pretending like it doesn't hurt. And then there's a different level of zero fuck zone that you have taken yourself through the process of grieving, feeling, processing, accepting, transforming and moving forward. And the fact that I was able to do that within a 24 hour period was something that was very triggering. And you know, little Tracy that still lives inside of me, my inner child, when I read that comment, she was very upset. She's like, but, but wait, I am the good girl. I, I'm doing the right thing and I am getting annihilated for it. Like, like that part of her felt very triggered and that protective part of me wanted to protect her. And so in that sacred 24 hour pause, me and little T had some beautiful conversations about, you know, we don't have to conform to be accepted and approved and valid. We're going to stand in our truth. But I had to really tame her in a way that honored her right. And that's why that sacred pause is so, so important. But the fact that I could move through that in 24 hours and seriously I have, I can tell because my whole nervous system is calm and regulated and I'm not fired up about it. It sucks, didn't feel good and it's sad. But I don't have any emotional energy around it anymore. And that's not easy to do. It takes time, it takes a commitment, it takes conditioning, it takes building that muscle. And that is the kind of thing that I teach you in my one on one private coaching. And I have signed on a few incredible people to work closely with me. I have one more spot left. And if you know that you are stepping into this divine version of yourself, you are, you know, your calling is calling you, you know it is. And you have these Clappers in the background and haters, that family that is telling you what you should and shouldn't be, that shame on you. If you have that in your life and you know that that's holding you back and that keeps you second guessing how you show up in the world, then the work with me is what is required. It really is. And it's not easy. And I don't promise that your life is going to be without pain because as you elevate to that next level of your life, there is going to be some deeper stuff that comes up and the work is required. And just because I was angered and, and hurt by that doesn't mean I haven't done my work. It was just another level what my one on one private coaching looks like. I want you to imagine this and I've been doing a lot of this lately and it's, and I've, you know, I have these people in my life too. There's like this phone a friend option with me. It's, it's more than just our sessions, you know, that's, that's why I've chosen for the container. And I laugh every time I say that word. But what this looks like with me, you know, it's one thing to have sessions and I really thought about like therapy. I've done many years of therapy and I've worked with other coaches and although it's been great, you know, it's like I'm not going to hand somebody a chainsaw and send them out on their own and say, okay, remember what I told you in our session and how to use the chainsaw. Now go out there in the world and good luck with that and be careful not to hurt yourself or anybody else or the environment. Some of these personal development tools that you have been informed of through programs and coaches or events, I'm not saying it's not great information, but in order for you to not only have the confidence to use the tools that I give you, but to know when and how to use them most effectively in your life is going to take a little guidance in real time. Not just a video recording of our session, but in real time. The phone a friend option, the Marco Polo app, which I use with my private one on one clients, they have access to me every single day over the course of three months. So that not only can they like say, hey, this is what's happening. How do I use X, Y, Z tool? Or what does this mean? Or how can I maybe communicate this in a way that is received better than it has in the past or why does this trigger me so much and how can I move through it like you just did in less than 24 hours and blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what? Having that phone a friend option not only will allow you to not slip into an old pattern that's comfortable, but also not good for you, but also be able to move forward with confidence. And then once the time with me is done, you will have the confidence to know how and when to use all these powerful tools in real time in your life, in every single kind of thing that you could ever face. You know, whether I'm dealing with family drama, death, financial scarcity, mindset, codependency, romantic love triggers, friendship triggers, women triggers, men triggers, parenting triggers, health triggers, the tools that I use and teach in my private coaching, you can tackle any of that. Like I said, it doesn't mean it's without pain or that it's always convenient, but you will have the confidence and ability to elegantly get to acceptance and transformation just like I did in 24 hours. And I thought that this message was something that you might need today. I know there's a lot of coaches out there and a lot of really good ones, but most of them are shit. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. There's a lot of shit in the personal development world out there. And I want you to know that I am somebody that will walk in the trenches with you and be there with you and for you and share my own journey in the trenches right alongside of you. And that is what a true integrity filled coach will do with and for you. I have one spot left on my one on one roster at this current season. If this is something that you have been called to, if you are listening to this at a time in your life that it's like, oh, shit, there she is. I'm a firm believer that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And if that is you, go to my website right now, Tracyomalley.com, the work with me section, it's by application only. Just because you got the funds and can make the investment doesn't mean you're ready for me. I've turned many, many people away because I know, like you're not ready. This is like master level. And if you are ready to take your life to a master elevated level, then yeah, I'm probably the girl from you. And it will be hard and it will be scary. And I got you. And I got you. Just like I told little T when she was really upset and wanted to just make nice and just be what everybody thought she needed to be, she spent a lot of her life doing that. And I told her, not on my watch. And we're going to handle this right, and we're going to handle this in a way that honors both you and me. And I want to help you do the same thing in your life so that you can do what you were always called to do, so that you can make the impact, whether it's in your home or in your business and in the world or all the above. I do it everywhere in my home and in the world. And I want you to be supported and equipped and feel confident in the tools so that when the shitstorms come, because they will. Anytime that you are making a difference in the world, there will be objection. There will be people that say, shame on you, how dare you. And I want to be there by your side to help you navigate that so that you can make the difference in this world and in your families that you want to do. Go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section. This is your sign that it's time. And I would be honored. I take this work I do very, very seriously, with tremendous amount of responsibility and respect. I honor the process and you. And you know, you help me keep my tools sharp because I have to always kind of be sharing what's going on in my life in order to really be a next level coach and. And my goal is to help you do that too. If you loved this episode, please let me know. You can just send me a dm or if you know that there's somebody in your life that needs to hear this message, give it a share on Instagram, Tag me, let me know what you thought. If you hated it, you can share that too. And say, this chick sucks. Shame on her. Whatever you want to say. I'm here for healthy communication, even if it's negative. I'm here for all of it. I'm here for the entire journey. And if you really find value in what I bring you here on the podcast waves, it would mean the world to me if you dropped in a review, however many stars you see fit or comment or any of that so that I can continue. I'm landing on some pretty big stages and podcasts right now, and it's all because of you and your support and your review. So if this is something that you want the world to see and hear more of, so take a few seconds and do that for me. Because if you want that in your life, then you have to kind of put out in the world what you would want to. So I'm a firm believer in that. All right, you guys, that was real talk and real time, and that's what I'm here for. I'm here to help you and myself become the ultimate leader in our life, your life, and my life. And until next time, you guys, I love you.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.